tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81971504169946998082024-03-21T08:02:16.049-07:00This Divine Human ExperienceKen Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.comBlogger235125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-78676438786396140722022-11-25T21:56:00.000-07:002022-11-25T21:56:04.139-07:00A Time For Sadness<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To varying degrees, I have experienced what is known as Seasonal Affective Disorder my entire life. There are those of us whose moods can be negatively affected by the decreasing amount of daylight during the late autumn and winter months. I've described it recently as "when the sun goes down, my mood goes with it." The effects of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) are much the same as depression. My symptoms have shown up as wanting to hibernate (sleep all the time until this god-awful season is over), lack of interest in anything, and cravings for carbohydrates and caffeine. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On the Summer Solstice of each year (June 21st in the Northern Hemisphere) the Earth's tilt is at its most extreme, and those of us in the Northern Hemisphere will experience the most amount of available sunlight. In Cedarburg, WI, where I used to live, June 21st has about 15 hours and 24 minutes of daylight, and in Prescott, AZ, my current city, we experience 14 hours and 28 minutes of daylight. Compare that to the Winter Solstice, (December 21st in the Northern Hemisphere), when the Earth's wobble is at its other extreme - Cedarburg will experience a paltry 8 hours and 58 minutes of daylight, while Prescott will have 9 hours and 15 minutes of daylight. (In the Southern Hemisphere, they experience the opposite. Right now it's Spring down under, and they are approaching Summer). So between June 21st and December 21st, I'll have lost 5.25 hours of daylight! It sucks, and it's patently unfair. It's like watching your cookie jar go down, but you know you're not eating all those cookies! I'm getting robbed!<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">So tack SAD on top of Major Depressive Disorder, which I experienced for many years, and this time of year can be a very miserable time of year. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Because I have not experienced much major depression this year, the SAD was very noticeable when it began, which was about a month ago. A couple of other factors in noticing the onset of SAD are that I no longer take prescription medication to treat depression, so my moods aren't squelched, and I've been learning to feel my emotions again. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">In both addiction recovery and mental health recovery, negative mood states can be very disconcerting, as they can be a signal that one is back on the road to relapse. I never learned, in sobriety or otherwise, how to experience my emotions in a healthy way. And those of us who have experienced long term depression know the feeling of "I've always felt this way and I'm always going to feel this way" when we're in a depressed state. Hope can be lost, and relapse can easily happen, because we just want to change the way we feel. I by now have acquired and practiced a lot of healthy ways to deal with the way I feel, but trust me that my brain still remembers the most efficient and effective way to change my mood (and forgets the horrible consequences). So, at least in early recovery, it takes a lot of effort and support to avoid the quick, unhealthy fixes while practicing the stuff that actually heals in the long run.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">And there are simple practices that help alleviate the symptoms of depression. For me, it starts with doing those things that I don't feel like doing - getting up in the morning, no matter how much I feel like staying in bed, exercising, avoiding 'quick-fix' substances like sugar, carbs, and caffeine, getting outside and facing the day, going to work and being more pleasant than I'm feeling, practicing gratitude, and continuing to connect with others when I'd really rather not.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">But the absolutely best thing I have ever done to not only alleviate the symptoms of negative mood states but perhaps start to actually heal them is <u>consistently practice meditation</u>. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Of all the good things we can do for ourselves, meditation can be perhaps the most difficult to practice because the effects of meditation are so subtle. One doesn't sit quietly for 20 minutes and develop a whole new attitude toward life. However, a consistent meditation practice has taught me how to not identify so closely with what I am feeling and thinking as well as allowed me to learn how to sit with my discomfort without having to react to it.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">There are two very simple concepts here and if you understand and experience them deeply, you can stop reading.</span></span></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I am not my thoughts and feelings, and</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Everything, even thoughts and moods, are impermanent, and if I truly embrace and accept what I'm thinking and feeling, instead of fighting it, I can let it go.</span></span></li></ul><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I work with a couple of men who experience bipolar disorder. I suggest a lot of things, but the one 'commandment' I give is DO NOT say, "I am bipolar." Very few people, if any, are mentally ill 24/7. Nobody is anything 24/7, except perhaps our gender and our skin color, but we've seen that even that can change. Upon examination, I've found that I show up each day in many different ways. I don't say 'I am an alcoholic' because I haven't shown up under the influence of alcohol anywhere or anytime for over a year (and yes, I do recall every day that drinking alcohol is not a very good thing for me). On those occasions when I feel depressed, I do not say 'I am depressed.' A better way of stating my condition would be 'I feel depressed.' An even better way is to say, 'there is depression,' or 'there is sadness' or 'there is (whatever is going on at the moment)' because whatever I'm experiencing is going to change, if I allow it to change. Disorders are a very real thing - until they're not. Conditions are a very real thing - until they change.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I noticed an attitudinal shift this year when I began experiencing symptoms of SAD. My previous experience upon experiencing a symptom of depression (and a lot of other stuff) has been to become disappointed with myself for the way I am feeling. I would identify with what I was feeling so closely that I would think that I am less-than or defective because of the way I was feeling. Ask anybody in early recovery what they feel the first time they get a craving for their substance of choice, and they'll tell you guilt and shame. "How can I feel this way after all the damage my drug has done to me and others?" Well, how can you <i>not</i> feel that way after you've trained your brain to equate using drugs with survival? Cravings are natural, and they don't mean a person in recovery is bad. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">In my case (and many others, I'm sure), depression fed depression. "Why am I depressed when I hate being depressed? There must be something intrinsically wrong with me (I'm defective)." This year, I was able to notice a symptom ("I really do not want to get out of bed at all"), acknowledge it as a symptom, accept that I was feeling it, and do what I needed to do (get out of bed and start my day) anyway. It is harder to do when I'm having symptoms, but not impossible. I relate it to experiencing allergies now. I'm allergic to some stuff where I live, and the occasional sneezing and congestion are a bit irritating, and something I'd rather not experience, but they don't keep me from living my life, and the symptoms aren't permanent and constant; they're occasional. The SAD symptoms I experience aren't constant; they occur at different times of the day, and don't affect my whole day. Moreover, I no longer have the thinking that the way I'm feeling is permanent, because I know it's not. Unpleasant and uncomfortable, yes, but there's a lot about this human existence that's uncomfortable.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">And then there's the sadness! I've mentioned in previous posts that I've really worked on developing genuine connections with others over the past year, and a big part of connecting with others is learning to feel again, and one of the things I feel is sadness, often because things change. Recently 3 of my friends have moved or are moving away. There is sadness about that - it's a loss. And sadness is one of the symptoms of SAD. Today I acknowledge my sadness, and I give myself time and space to experience it, and then to let it go. I regularly take long walks, and this is an excellent time to embrace the sadness and to let it go. I can cry on these walks, and crying is extremely beneficial. Crying is cleansing, and I know that when I cry, I'm not only dealing with the current situation, I'm also dealing with every other thing that I've experienced that I should have cried about but didn't. I have a very good friend who will shortly be moving literally halfway across the world, and that's very, very sad for me because I may never ever see them again. But I wouldn't be sad if I didn't love this person and their qualities - their courage, and zest for living, and good energy, and adventuresome spirit, and confidence. So yes, I'll miss them, but more importantly, I have had the joyful experience of being their friend, and I wouldn't miss that for the world. As I've mentioned before, one constant that I seem to experience is that the best people walk into my life, and that's something I hope never changes. If I didn't allow myself to embrace and experience the feeling of sadness when someone moves on, I would probably avoid allowing shining stars and angels into my life, and I do not want to do that. Y'all give me such hope and joy and inspiration.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Anyway, my point is that it's been my experience that my feelings won't kill me, unless I hang onto them and/or try to medicate them away - then they could.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Feelings are simply feelings, and they're transient. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I used to try to avoid or escape the discomfort of this human experience, and in doing so, I caused more suffering in me and others. I am learning on a daily basis that I do have the strength, courage, faith, resilience, wisdom, compassion, and love to not only engage wholly with life but to do it in a way that creates more peace and joy and healing and less suffering, for me and others. The peace of mind and happiness I experience from living heavily outweighs any discomfort I might experience.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">May you be filled with lovingkindness, may you be safe and free from suffering, and may you be well.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ken </span></span> <br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-91711480435728816972022-11-01T17:56:00.001-07:002022-11-01T17:56:41.857-07:00Adventure Road<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I took advantage of an opportunity to be of service to a stranger today. A person who was traveling to Chino Valley got 'stuck' in our store parking lot overnight because they were driving with an invalid driver's license, and the Prescott police instructed them to park and not drive anymore. They were hauling a trailer full of goats to auction today, and came into our store this morning to see if someone could drive their truck for them. I had started work at 5 this morning and had completed my tasks around 7, about the time this person was asking for some kind of assistance. They were talking to the manager at work who has given me so much assistance and support over the past two years, and the manager (my friend) asked me if I would be willing to drive this person and their cargo to Chino Valley to the livestock auction. As I had no commitments for the rest of the day, I said I would.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am so grateful I agreed to help this person out. It was an adventure for me - safely take this stranger and their trailer full of goats to Chino Valley and find my way back to Prescott. I've driven to Chino Valley and back before, but never in a truck with a trailer, and I've never been out to the auction. It's been about 34 years since I've towed a trailer, and the traffic between Prescott and Chino Valley is never good in the daytime. The trip is only about 15 miles, but there are a million stoplights and several traffic circles to navigate along the way. And today we came upon a bad accident, which led us to take a detour. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The person whom I was assisting was pleasant and grateful. They seemed elderly and frail, and I wondered about their ability to complete their journey even with a valid driver's license. </span></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My companion told me the past month has been hard for them, and this trip to the auction was important for them. </span></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It seems that determination is a characteristic of many people around these parts, and it goes a long way. They had not been out to this auction, so we relied upon my GPS to guide us. The last two miles were on an unpaved, washboard road, and the going there was very rough and slow!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We found the auction place. Today was the first time I was at a livestock auction, so I had no idea what the procedures were. This auction place is operated by people of Mexican descent, and that made me feel very comfortable, as I've usually found Mexicans to be very courteous and more than helpful. We were instructed to back the truck/trailer up to the corral gate in order to tag and unload the goats. I asked my companion to back the trailer up, as I was sure they could do a better job than I; however, they seemed to be having a lot of difficulty maneuvering, so I asked one of the auction folk to take over. One did, and got things lined up well. They tagged the goats while my companion filled out the paperwork. I stood around and watched, which I usually do quite well. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We left the goats and the trailer at the auction site, and I drove us back to Chino Valley proper - to our sister store. My companion was going to take care of some business and try to find a driver to take them home to Kingman after the auction. I set out to find a way back to Prescott. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There is a regional bus service in Yavapai County, and currently it is free. I was planning to take the bus back to Prescott, but I missed the first opportunity. I called a few cab companies, and one got back to me and was able to pick me up. While waiting for the cab, I met a person who needed to get to Prescott for a mental health appointment at the outfit I worked briefly at last year. This person had no money, and I offered to share the cab with them (which made the large cab fare seem more palatable to me). This person was about my age, and, like me, had suffered much over their lifetime from poor mental health. They were currently in an unhoused condition, and facing the prospect of moving into a group home, which wasn't very attractive to them. I understood. They were very grateful to be able to make it to their appointment on time and hopefully get the assistance they need.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am very grateful for all that transpired today. I am grateful that I got to be of service to two strangers today. I am grateful that I am fit to be of service - sober, reasonably sane, and legal to drive. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to throw caution to the wind today - I took the opportunity to get outside my 'safe' zone in a skillful way. My safe zone is comfortable, but it's <i>not</i> a place where growth and fulfillment occur, and eventually, my safe zone becomes untenable, and I feel myself desiring to break out of it in unskillful ways.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And lately I've been desiring some hard evidence that we really do live in a loving, supportive Universe, and today I got it. I am grateful. </span></span> <br /></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ken<br /></span></span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-64607462302139614252022-10-10T17:29:00.001-07:002022-10-10T17:29:05.442-07:00One Year<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxLrMmpU2-8zlQwt1H9rqCCD5AMLXvPQaEyh-5FO3xUzFgzRMegpJIGN1XzjKW9OFnqInymjqG5RxEaZaosdaGf2EZNbPQtjfyDIG5lCs86JZlPF0-8f8Yy3_1DOSo9Bucp5O9R9PyzczmIHCqfiQ8vyuFswovcXSJy6kZFP88_RwAaMfhsIfIcWlSQ/s1350/FB_IMG_1665414489032.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1350" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxLrMmpU2-8zlQwt1H9rqCCD5AMLXvPQaEyh-5FO3xUzFgzRMegpJIGN1XzjKW9OFnqInymjqG5RxEaZaosdaGf2EZNbPQtjfyDIG5lCs86JZlPF0-8f8Yy3_1DOSo9Bucp5O9R9PyzczmIHCqfiQ8vyuFswovcXSJy6kZFP88_RwAaMfhsIfIcWlSQ/w256-h320/FB_IMG_1665414489032.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Today marks one year without using alcohol. I don't do well at celebrating sobriety anniversaries; I've had many one-year sobriety anniversaries, and, at this point in life, abstaining from alcohol is not the most challenging accomplishment for me today. To be honest, I celebrate my time away from alcohol for these reasons: it's the only quantifiable thing about my recovery, others in recovery seem to enjoy it, and it gives hope to newcomers in recovery. </span></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After some contemplation this morning, I was able to wrap my head around the concept of noting a milestone in recovery, just like I noted the milestone of my 60th birthday a few months ago - something that probably would not have happened if I had not been in recovery. I use milestones when I bicycle. Some of the trails I use have mile markers, and when I meet them it's always nice to know that I have the strength and energy, skill, and good fortune to have made it another mile. I might stop and rest for a moment at a mile marker, drink some water, eat a banana, perhaps even take a picture. But I don't stay there too long - I'm back on the path pretty quickly, continuing my journey. And while the accomplishment of the last mile feels good, especially if it's been uphill, it's no guarantor that I'll be able to complete the next mile. It's one pedal at a time, and we'll see what happens.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For me, the real accomplishment of the past year is that I abstained from giving up. I didn't give up on life, on recovery - I didn't give up on myself. Oh, I had plenty of excuses - I'm too old, I'm too mentally ill, I'm too damaged, I'm too tired, I've suffered too many disappointments. But I gave it another shot, and if there's any nobility in that, then I'm noble. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am grateful that I don't have a much of a desire to drink or use again. Cravings for the substance are something that many people who are in their first attempt at recovery find troublesome. What I do share with those who are truly attempting recovery and new at it are feelings of guilt, shame, doom, and major lack of confidence in my ability to sustain recovery over the long haul.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So the major accomplishment of the past year is that I have said "yes!" to life and to the daily challenges of overcoming the self-destructive thinking that has plagued me and caused me and others so much suffering. And I finally surrendered to the fact that I cannot do this alone - that I must let others into my life, and not just at a surface level. I must be willing to let people I trust see me at my darkest and dirtiest - when I feel the worst about myself. It's a challenge to establish and foster connections with others in recovery, but it hasn't been as bad and scary as I thought it would be, and I am the better for it.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I think one of the major surprises from the past year, and one by which I am truly humbled, is that I am able to offer real hope and support to others desiring recovery. This discovery has been one of the things that has sustained me through the inevitable low points. My feelings of self-worth and self-esteem (which are essential to my recovery) are only gradually improving; yet there is a preponderance of evidence that says my experience, strength, & hope - in other words, my recovery and my life - are valuable to others. There is evidence that I am looked up to and respected in some parts of the recovery community, as well as in other places. So when it feels to me as if my life has no value, that I have no purpose on Earth aside from creating carbon dioxide, I am able to look at the evidence, and show up for life anyway until the feeling passes. I don't have to be perfect to be valued, maybe even loved, by other human beings. This is truly a new concept to me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I would be remiss if I failed to mention how important mindfulness meditation is to my recovery. It's essential. The practice has given me a degree of separation between me and my thinking, which I've never really had before. This means that I no longer have to identify with what my head is telling me. I recognize that there is probably a different reality than is what is going on in my mind. In this way, I am able to take action to let go of thinking and feeling and moods which no longer serve my best interest. As I mentioned, this is a <i>practice</i>, so I'm not <i>perfect</i> at it, but I'm a far cry from where I used to be. I no longer feel compelled to create my own suffering.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Lastly, I must mention all of the angels I have in my life, both in person and on social media (which I have learned to use wisely and skillfully). All of you who are trying to live your best life, and share that with me, either actively or passively, are angels. I cannot doubt the goodness of the Universe which I see manifest every day in the people who cross my path, and I am most grateful. Thank you for being you!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So my heart is filled with gratitude today for the life I have today.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Thank you, and namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ken<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><br /><p> </p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-66470019825601494022022-10-03T21:15:00.008-07:002022-10-03T21:59:08.799-07:00Dark Gratitude<p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Netflix, in its infinite, Netflixian wisdom, decided to produce a series about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer from Milwaukee. This has come to my attention only because some of my housemates have decided that this is fine viewing material. Every time it comes on, I wisely leave. This is the 30th anniversary of Dahmer's trial, and, unfortunately, I and thousands of other Milwaukeeans were treated to front row seats to that spectacle through the efforts of WISN radio. I do not remember how long the trial lasted - two weeks, I think - but I do remember listening to it on the radio every day at work. I was not drinking at the time, but I remember smoking 2 packs of cigarettes each day (more affordable back then, and we could smoke at work) and feeling absolutely miserable at the end of each day. Go figure! </span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Fortunately, this post is not about that. This post is about the way I've been feeling and the way I've been dealing with my feelings on the eve of my latest 1 year sobriety anniversary. As you might have already surmised from reading between the lines, I'm not in a 'happy' spot. I am, however, in a good spot; well, at least a better spot than I was a year ago, and certainly in a wiser and more skillful spot.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">It was somewhat surprising to me that the reappearance of Jeffrey Dahmer affected me as it has - it's brought up very unpleasant memories and feelings, and it's triggering effect and my revulsion to the Netflix series makes me wonder if I somehow traumatized myself 30 years ago by letting myself be privy to all of that crap on a daily basis for a few weeks. You see, I'm not the sharpest tool in my pappy's shed, but I do recognize today that over the years I allowed myself to get into and stay in situations that were not at all beneficial to my well-being.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">This is one of the things that I'm grateful for, and I call it Dark Gratitude because it comes from a place of suffering. It's not the kind of gratitude I hear from my geriatric customers, who, when I ask how they are today, say, "I'm just grateful I woke up today!" or some such stuff that I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's not the kind of gratitude that ignores the true suffering that exists; Dark Gratitude is the kind of gratitude we get from experiencing deep suffering and coming through the other side. Those of us who have been there know why we're grateful today, and I'm grateful to be grateful today. It's a gift, but it's not one to be shared with your ordinary average citizen; it's to be shared with others who have 'been there'.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">We had a really severe thunderstorm here today, with high winds, and lots of rain and hail. It was a bit scary, and I was grateful to be in a safe environment throughout. Part of my gratitude comes from having survived the extremes of nature when I did not have shelter. From that gratitude comes compassion for those who are currently feeling not so safe in their current environments, and there are many. I am grateful today that I can even think of others who may not be safe; there have been times when my focus was so narrow that all I could see or feel was my own discomfort.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Dark Gratitude, for me, is being able to see my current difficulties (which are all still internal), and not feeling overwhelmed any more. As I continue on my healing journey, I become more aware that my bright and healthy future is made from the stuff that I am letting go of today. It's still hard to let go of that which no longer serves me, such as expectations and clinging attachments, but the task is made easier by knowing that I am growing into a better version of myself by doing so. I'm also grateful that today I have a realistic vision of a better version of myself. That person did not exist until very recently.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Dark Gratitude is the sadness and fear I feel when someone close to me is struggling with their health. A person came into my life some years ago as a client of mine, and that person was struggling with all of the issues that come from being unable to quit drinking. That person has been in recovery since I've met them, and they are as fine an example of recovery as you'd ever want to see. But, like all of us at one time or another, this person is struggling with some health issues, and I feel sad. My Dark Gratitude is that I can actually feel for another person's struggles, and that I have this person in my life that I can feel for and care about. Dark Gratitude is bittersweet. And today I have a lot of gratitude for the really, really remarkable people who grace my consciousness and my life. I am so blessed. The dark, or maybe humble, part of this gratitude is knowing that every one of them is a gift that I do not deserve.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I can go on and on, and I'm grateful for that as well! One of the things about scratching the surface of gratitude is that I keep finding more and more to be grateful about. And as I write this, I think that perhaps what I call Dark Gratitude could also be called Realistic Gratitude, or Deep Gratitude, or even Radical Gratitude. But I'm going to leave the title as it is, because it reminds me that even when I feel dark, as I kind of do now, (but lighter than when I started), that I still have a lot for which to be grateful.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I am truly grateful for your reading this far. Please know that you are an important part of my life, and that my wish for you is that you experience safety and wellness and freedom from suffering.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ken </span><br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-44010555659160418722022-09-25T14:20:00.003-07:002022-09-25T14:20:41.093-07:00Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson Two: A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed<p> <span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A year ago at this time I was in relapse. The basic reason I was in relapse was that I was not talking about situations at my new job that were triggering my belief that I am a fake and a failure. When I was in the hospital in Oro Valley last October, I came to the realization that my response to the situation I was in was way out of line with what was actually happening - I was delusional and my behavior was irrational. A good dose of healthy realization is painful but can also be incredibly beneficial to healing. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have been realizing lately that at my current job my habit of withholding my concerns has not served me very well at all. My pretending that everything is fine with me regarding work caused me physical pain and illness as well as emotional stress and anguish. Since I had my hernia surgery, moved to the front end of the store (checking) and made the decision to not return to dairy, my physical pain and anxiety surrounding work have virtually disappeared. It was really hard for me to ask for time off for surgery, and then to ask to not return to dairy. The response to my requests from my superiors has been nothing but positive and supportive, which is exactly the opposite of what my beliefs told me would happen. My beliefs told me that the response would be, literally, "If you can't do your f#*king job then just gtfo you useless piece of shit. You've got nothing coming." That kind of thinking can cause a bit of anxiety.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Fortunately, over the past year I have been working on supporting the new belief that I am a valuable employee (and person) and that I have a lot to contribute to any organization with which I am affiliated - and it's not just wishful thinking - I have evidence to back this belief up. Unfortunately, exchanging old ideas that no longer serve me with new ones that work better is not as easy as just unplugging a module from my brain and replacing it with a new improved version. There is a period of time in which both beliefs seem to be operative at the same time, and this naturally causes mental and emotional stress and discomfort. However, being mindful about this process makes the stress and discomfort bearable; it's like going to the dentist - we know that it'll be an uncomfortable, if not downright painful, experience, but we also know that it's necessary and that we'll be better off in the long run.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Yesterday I came to work and discovered that I had been scheduled to work 2 days this week for a total of 13.75 hours, which is way below what I'm usually scheduled and totally inadequate to sustain my standard of living. I looked at that and the very first thought that crossed my mind was, "They're trying to get rid of me." This idea actually has some basis in fact, as retail and other service industries will use this tactic to get rid of an employee without having to actually fire them - just decrease their schedule so they can't possibly live on what they're making. Fortunately I'm healthy enough nowadays to know that there are other plausible explanations. I didn't immediately go into "I'm screwed" mode, and I considered what to do about this situation throughout my shift last night, and then some more this morning.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Because of my recent health issues (which are now resolved), I don't have any savings. Seeing the schedule triggered somewhat of a panic response in me, and I had to use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills as well as my spiritual practice to quell the panic. I was able to recognize that although my sense of security was threatened, my safety is not threatened. This is important - our subconscious' sole purpose in life is to keep us alive (which, by the way, is something at which it will ultimately fail). The subconscious thinks "Danger! Danger! Your source of survival (the job) has just disappeared! Panic!" I had to reassure my subconscious that I was in no immediate danger of going hungry or becoming homeless - in other words, my safe environment is still intact. My sense of security, on the other hand, was definitely dinged. But that's ok - security is not really a quantifiable state. A sense of security is really a false sort of thing that we carry around to make us feel better in a life filled with impermanence. But I'm safe - that's a fact.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Next, I had to twist my thinking around to see this as an opportunity. I have been wanting more time for spiritual and social development, as well as vocational development. I want to do something to earn a living that is more in line with my gifts and talents, and that takes time and energy. My decreased work schedule opened up both time and energy for me to consider and pursue my next vocation.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So the important thing here is that I was able to take myself out of crisis mode. However, there's more to be done to move out of a state of confusion about what's going on - I needed to talk to some people to become more aware of what's really happening, and in which direction I might head. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I went to the store this morning to talk with the grocery manager, who is second in command at my store. He's not the one who wrote the schedule, which is good because I can come to him without having an attitude of "why did you do this to me?" I also had time to set the intention of how I'm going to show up in this conversation: I want to let him know what is going on and what my concerns are in a direct, matter of fact way. I needed to show up as calm and rational. So I let him know what was going on, and that one of the days for which I had been scheduled was my only 'unavailable' day, and that the schedule was not going to work for me. I told him that I was not going to show up for the shift scheduled on my unavailable day (which happens to be tomorrow). He told me he would see what he could do about the situation, and I went on my way.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I had no faith that anything would be done - my concern leaving the office was about how I would productively use all the free time I was looking forward to this week.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A couple hours later I received a call from the store giving me my new schedule for the week - I had 3 shifts added to the days I am available. I was not expecting this! And I still have enough of my own time to move forward in developing a new work situation for myself that allows me more control over what I'm doing and when I'm doing it, as well as how much I make while doing it. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So here's the upshot - a major issue had presented itself to me, and I did what was indicated in a wise and skillful way. I took actions that, while challenging for me, prevented a crisis and alleviated my concern. I talked to people who could help me about what was going on so that I could move forward without causing undue suffering in mine or anyone else's life (although I don't know where they were able to come up with hours for me to work - not my problem).</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This might seem like basic adulting to a lot of y'all, but for me it represents a major accomplishment in learning how to navigate life without falling back into self-destructive patterns. My actions today give me hope and confidence that I can and will continue to learn to navigate this life successfully. And a big part of what make this so enjoyable for me is that I will be able to share this success with others who may struggle when seeming obstacles appear in their lives. There is, I am finding, much joy in embracing challenges in life rather than finding ways to avoid and escape.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I appreciate being able to share my journey with you, and I hope I inspire you to share your journey with others - that's what it's all about.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ken<br /></span></span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-73690457778977036942022-09-19T23:57:00.000-07:002022-09-19T23:57:11.870-07:00Being Supportive<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Or "What to do when someone you care for is acting the fool."</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, over the past 11 months, I have been endeavoring to cultivate real connections with others. I had believed previously that I really did not need to let people get close to me, or to allow myself to get close to others, in order to get well and live a healthy life. Keeping a reasonable distance from others is the plan for a wounded self that wants to protect me from further hurt. Keeping the shields up seems like a good way to stay safe; perhaps it is, but it isn't a very good way to live fully. One of the weird aspects of being human (and trust me, there are many weird aspects) is that in order to live fully, we must risk. We must risk hurt, disappointment, failure, suffering. That sounds strange, but I know from experience that not taking risks, avoiding what my protecting mind tells me is unsafe, creates hurt, disappointment, failure, and suffering. And when I take no risks, there's no upside. When I do take risks - when I allow myself to become vulnerable with other human beings, I then allow for the possibility to experience love - both giving and receiving. A human being might be able to survive without love, but I have come to believe that a human being cannot truly thrive without the capacity to love and to be loved.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">So the decision to allow myself to become vulnerable and to make true connections with others was not an easy decision for me. It wasn't a matter of simply switching lanes and doing things differently, like adopting a different style of dress or learning a new language. It's more like dropping the armor and going into the battle naked and unarmed. I knew it was going to get messy, but I also knew that I had to do it or else die a lonely, miserable failure of a human being. I had to give living (loving) one more shot.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">I have a friend that I care about and love. My friend has been making some very unwise choices lately that endanger not only their happiness, but their life. It hurts to see this. It hurts to see someone I deeply care about make very short-sighted decisions apparently to avoid the pain that comes with growing up. It hurts to see this person turn from every truly supportive person in their life. It hurts to know that I can't do anything about their situation that would be wise and skillful, other than to remain ready to pick up the pieces, if, hopefully, there are any pieces left to pick up.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">I really wanted to rage. I wanted to have the opportunity to say, or scream, "Wtf do you think you're doing? What is wrong with you?" I am grateful that today I possess the wisdom to know that approaching someone in this manner will only push the person deeper into their self-destructive delusions. I know that this person is only doing what they think they need to do in order to protect themselves. I know that this person does not think they are hurting anybody else. How do I know this? Because I've been there.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Throughout my active addiction and mental illness, I made many, many unwise choices that I <i>thought</i> did not harm anybody else but myself. Delusion is a symptom that comes with addiction and mental illness. I realized, after I started caring about people, that although my unwise choices and actions might not have physically hurt those who cared about me, they nonetheless hurt my family and loved ones. I had turned off my capacity for caring, love, empathy, and compassion. Those aspects of myself only got in the way of me getting what I thought I desperately needed. When I flipped those switches back on, I found out that it hurts to love someone who is hurting themselves.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">And I can't maintain any kind of anger against my friend. They are not doing this to hurt me, even though it hurts to not have their healthy friendship. They are quite unaware of all of the consequences of their choices.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">So there is sadness, and the desire to fix something that I can't fix. But what can I do?</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">I can be supportive. How? By practicing understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, metta, and unconditional love. Understanding that this person is being driven by forces, both inner and outer, that they are unable to recognize or handle. Right now, they truly are a victim. Understanding that whatever this person is doing, they are not doing it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and understanding that I own my own feelings about the situation. Compassion and empathy come from taking an honest appraisal of my own experience and situation. I have been where this person is and made many, many more unwise choices, through my own delusions, than this person has yet had a chance to make. Compassion also comes from a deep knowing that I could be exactly where they're at in a very short time. I am not immune from relapse. Forgiveness comes from compassion and understanding, but also from the sure knowledge that I can be of no real help to them, myself, or anybody else while holding a grudge. Grudges keep my hands too full to do anything useful. Forgiveness is simply giving love to a situation, and love is the only thing that truly heals. Metta, or prayer, is practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to that person. It doesn't necessarily change their outcome, but it keeps my mind in a hopeful and faithful position toward this person. And unconditional love is simply knowing who that person really is beneath all the self-destructive behavior - knowing that underneath everything is a precious soul going through an extremely difficult life experience. And unconditional love says I'll be there in person to support this person back to health, if given the opportunity.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Please note that being supportive does not mean doing anything that would compromise my integrity or my own mental or physical well-being. I used to try to rescue (fix) people from time to time. I now know the folly in that endeavor, and that support and rescue are not the same thing.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">One might ask, "Ken, does this experience make you want to reconsider your decision to really connect with others, especially those who live with addiction and or mental health issues?" and the answer, surprisingly, is "No." I am still dedicated to developing real connections with others. What I have experienced so far since my decision has been more real peace, belonging, happiness and joy than I have ever experienced previously. I am becoming more and more convinced that the only worthwhile endeavor in life is to know my connection with life through learning how I can be of maximum loving service to others.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">I want to end with this: I am still selfish af, only today I practice putting my recovery first rather than me first. It's now 11:45 pm, and if I hadn't sat down to write and process all this through writing, I would have been laying in bed thinking about it, and the thoughts would not have been productive. Over the past few years, I have been able to let go of a ton of suffering that I had been carrying for a really long time, and today I have no desire to pick it up again or create new suffering in my life (or anyone else's!). So there ya have it.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Namasté,</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Ken </span> <br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-47791014284248009922022-08-17T19:44:00.003-07:002022-08-17T19:52:08.617-07:00Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson One: Isolated Incidents<p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Since I'm off work for the next 10 days (at least), I plan on using part of the time off to daily write in my blog. I am fortunate to be in a position at my job to learn wonderful lessons about how my mind works (and doesn't, sometimes) as well as strategies to flow through each day more effectively and with more peace and happiness. So I'm going to share some important things I've learned/am learning along the way at work.</span></span></p><p><u><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Isolated Incidents</b></span></span></u><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Through practicing the 2nd and 4th foundations of Wise Mindfulness, I have begun to become skillful in noticing situations in which my mind, my thinking, can cause me suffering. The 2nd foundation of Wise Mindfulness is paying attention to feeling tones, or "noticing the emotional tone - pleasure or displeasure - that comes with every sensation, <u>even when the sensation is a thought</u> [emphasis added]." (Recovery Dharma, p. 45) The 4th foundation of Wise Mindfulness is mindfulness of mental objects: "we begin to simply notice when a thought arises, <i>being aware of it without judgment or evaluation </i>[emphasis added]<i>, </i>and allowing it to pass away without holding onto it and <u>without creating a story out of it</u> [emphasis added]." (RD p. 46) Having a consistent meditation practice gives me the insight and power to actually notice when single thoughts arise and be able to let them go. How well I do it depends upon my intention and my mood.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, at work, a lot of stuff happens. It's bound to happen - we sell thousands of products to hundreds of customers every day. For months and months I thought there was a chance that I could get ahead of the game, at least in my own little arena. I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed or at least anxious and frustrated. And when something would happen, like a spill to clean up, or something ordered didn't show up, or yesterday's work still needs to be done today - when something happened, it often fed the sick-but-not-yet-dead belief that it happened because I'm a bad person, and this would color, in a negative way, my thoughts and feelings toward myself and toward my job. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I recently began treating, in my mindful mind, a lot of the stuff that would happen as isolated incidents. If there was a spill to clean up, I began focusing on thoughts about cleaning up the spill, and let go of the thoughts that were blaming, the thoughts about inconsiderate people, the thoughts about poor packaging design - all the <i>stories</i> I'd tell myself about <i>why</i> this event happened. The thoughts and feelings surrounding my stories in my head are negative and cause unhappiness. The thoughts and feelings surrounding simply doing what is mine to do (clean up a mess in my department) are neutral to positive thoughts and feelings. It's a really simple concept that took me years and years to get. I can use it anywhere - when I walk in the bathroom at home, and discover someone else used all the toilet paper and did not replace it, I can get irritated about irresponsible inconsiderate people with whom I'm living, which only serves to make me unhappy, or I can do what I need to do to take care of my own business, and leave feeling neutral or even happy. That's really letting s#&! go!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now the fact of the matter is that these really aren't isolated incidents. Everything that happens has something behind it - the spill on the floor, the absent roll of toilet paper - but it's still just an incident. Very often, there is little to nothing I can do about the causes of any incident that occurs in my life. It's not necessarily random stuff happening, but it's not necessarily my stuff either. It's just stuff. What <i>is </i>important is my response to the stuff. And I am learning to apply what I know so that stuff that happens to me and around me doesn't give me cause to feel not good enough, less than, or deserving of shit. I am learning to remove the substance, the story-telling, the so-called evidence, that fuels beliefs that no longer serve me. I am learning to no longer feed these beliefs with a storyline that validates their existence.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I had really come to hate my job, which in turn fueled abdominal issues. Through doing this practice, I recognize that there are parts of my job that I like, and parts that I really don't like at all. There are parts of my job that I really have no desire to deal with anymore - I am beginning to believe I can use my gifts, talents, and time in another pursuit that will put me in a position to be a more effective human being. Which is a much better way of saying, "F^#$ this place, I'm outta here!" The truth is that in any endeavor, I'll find aspects that I like and aspects that I don't like. In my present job, I am valued, and I am of service, and I am good at a number of tasks that are mine to do; however, after practicing this exercise enough, I recognize that these isolated incidents are not something I want to experience as much of (or at all) in my work life, so I'm currently keeping my eye open for opportunities to utilize my gifts and experience in a more skillful and effective way.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Thank you for reading. The next lesson will be My Best Is Good Enough!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ken</span></span> <br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-15164058947433021112022-08-11T10:18:00.013-07:002022-08-11T22:42:37.534-07:00Infinite Possibility<p></p><p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">One of the foundations of my recovery from alcoholism/addiction
and major depression is the belief that things can get better, and it must be a
sustainable belief – a belief that can stand against the winds of chaos and
disorder that come and go throughout life. Whether I’ve been in recovery or out
of recovery, alcoholism and depression have been the dominant factors running my
life. In early recovery, I needed the hope that ‘things’ could get better, and
they did – but the hope I received in early recovery was not sustainable when I
began to again experience the natural ups and downs of life. Simply being
alcohol/drug free and relatively depression free at times did not suddenly give
me the qualities of resilience, persistence, and wisdom; in other words, brief
respites from my illness did not give me the ability to handle that which I
never knew how to adequately handle before. I needed more – a lot more. I hope
to share through the next few paragraphs how glimmers of hope in my life
evolved into some faith, then belief, and then into a deep knowing – a deep
knowing that not only is recovery very possible, but also that life is good, I have
a place in this life, and that the Universe supports not only my journey in
recovery, but my journey to my highest good. Might be a bit much for just a few
paragraphs, but we’ll give it a try and see what happens.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">My life has been all about alcoholism and mental illness. I
have started and stopped recovery more times than I can probably remember. But there
have been positive constants throughout as well, and the two major ones are
hope and good people. There have always been angels who have shown up to guide
me back to a place of hopefulness, where I could get back on the path toward
wellness. Sometimes my angels wore badges and sidearms; often they wore
stethoscopes and scrubs; but most just wore plain clothes and caring hearts. In
early recovery, we look to people and things outside ourselves to help or <i>make</i>
ourselves get better. That’s a good start, but today I believe that eventually
I must find my recovery from within, if I am going to reside permanently in
recovery. The thing that held me back for so many years was the fear of looking
within. I <i>knew</i> that I could not bear to take a good honest look at the
ugliness and darkness that was within me. I<i> knew</i> that examining my
insides would overwhelm me and kill me. Hope is a nice thing, a great thing
sometimes, but it was never big enough or strong enough to break through that
wall. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">My hope had to turn into faith – some sort of faith that
somebody or something could help me. I developed a faith in institutions, such
as the mental health industry and mutual aid recovery organizations. I also developed
a spiritual faith, and my mainline for that was through New Thought
Christianity organizations – specifically <a href="https://www.unity.org/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Unity</a>
and <a href="https://csl.org/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Religious Science/Science of Mind</a>. My
involvement with these organizations, and my independent spiritual studies,
were helpful in offering me a different, better, more positive outlook on
myself, life, and the Universe. However, despite all my involvement over the years
with spiritual people and spiritual organizations, I was not able to develop a faith
that worked for me in the long run. As I mentioned in my post <a href="https://fullyhuman-fullydivine.blogspot.com/2022/07/life-doesnt-get-any-better.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Life Doesn't Get Any Better</a>, I had (still have!) tons of helpful knowledge and
experience that never traversed the 18” distance from my head to my heart. My
faith was head-faith – intellectually, I know that we live in a Universe that
supports Life. It’s that simple, really. We would not be here if the Universe didn’t
support Life. But when that head faith tried to turn into heart faith, it
always ran into the wall of existing belief, and could not get over it or
through it.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">That existing belief was built, as all our existing beliefs are,
in childhood through various learning experiences. My existing belief (and
please forgive me for beating a thankfully dead horse) was that I was bad, I
was defective, I was unlovable, and I wasn’t capable of being even close to good
enough and I really didn’t deserve to live. Yes, the conscious part of my brain
knew, knows, that that’s all complete bullshit. But the part of me (us) that
matters, the part that governs up to 95% of my life choices, my subconscious,
did not know that. (This is one of the reasons I’m an over-thinker – my conscious
brain has had to race to keep up with my subconscious, and many times it just
gave up). </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">So how was I able to begin breaking down that wall of existing
belief, and begin the process of turning my intellectual knowing into a deep
knowing that could actually serve me in life? </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">At the time, I wasn’t really aware of the process, but in
retrospect, I see that I did begin to really understand that I’m at the end of
the road. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to die soon, anyway,
so what’s the point of protecting that dark ugliness within anymore? And I had
the opportunity about two years ago in therapy to experience <a href="https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy</a>. EMDR is for those
of us whose mental health has been adversely affected by traumatic experiences.
Now the important part of this for me is I had and still have absolutely no idea
how this stuff works – it’s a <i>mystery</i> to me. Every other therapy I’ve experienced
I’ve been able to cognitively grasp – at one point or another, it made sense to
me. I can’t cognitively explain why EMDR should work – <u>but it did</u>. It
began to break through that subconscious, granite wall that was there, and I
found myself beginning to be able to actually apply the other tools I had
learned over the years to let myself heal. And because it’s still an absolute
mystery to me, it began to clear the path from my head down to my heart. I have
begun to replace the beliefs with which I started this lifetime with healthy
beliefs. This, in turn, has instilled new hope and a stronger faith within me that
no longer has to battle daily just to stay alive. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">And because I am now beginning to clearly see and know that those
initial beliefs – that dark, scary ugliness – is not the truth about me, I have
less fear, more courage, and more reason to connect with others in a very real
way – I am able to let others in and share the ugliness I see within when I
need to. My last relapse gave me the courage to start developing real, honest
connections with others. Let me tell you, there is a huge difference in me
sharing my most vulnerable parts with loved ones whom I love, care about, and
respect than there is with someone whom I pay to listen to me. I risk losing
people I truly love and care about when I share those things within that make
me want to lose myself. So far, nobody has kicked me to the curb for sharing
that I am a less-than-perfect human being. In fact, it seems to me that every
step I take toward being real actually draws others closer to me. Who knew?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">To be clear, the damage I created in my life, in me, is not
totally healed or repaired. Every day I must practice – I must use the tools I’ve
learned and accepted in my heart in order to continue to heal. But the good
news is that nowadays life is tons easier and more enjoyable than it was when I
was struggling to stay ahead of a subconscious that just did not work anymore.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">So that’s where Infinite Possibility comes from – if I am
possible, and I certainly seem to be, then absolutely anything is possible,
including you! When I listen to people telling me their challenges, my human
mind wants to find ways to fix them, and often comes up short. Practical suggestions
are great, and I openly share all I’ve learned in that regard; but when I
listen with my heart and respond with love, support and encouragement, I help
open the door for others to find where the answers truly are – inside.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Namasté,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Georgia",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Ken <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></p> <br><p></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-72544478383325171242022-08-01T15:15:00.007-07:002022-08-11T11:54:06.115-07:00Recovery and Prescribed Medications<p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I had my consult today with the surgeon who will be repairing my hernia. I broke the first rule for those in substance use recovery in dealing with medical professionals (prescribers): I did not inform the doctor that I am in recovery from substance use disorder. I did let the nurse who later scheduled the surgery know that I didn't want any narcotic (opiate) prescriptions, but only after she mentioned that a prescription would be sent to my pharmacy to be picked up after surgery. It's not that I wasn't cognizant that this could be an issue; my thinking was that "I can take care of this myself; I don't need to let anyone know" (which breaks the 2nd rule of recovery - we don't do it alone). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">There is a protocol to be followed by those in recovery who have to deal with legitimately taking addictive medication:</span></span></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Inform your PCP that you are in recovery and do not want to be prescribed mood-altering or addictive medication unless absolutely necessary;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Inform any other medical prescriber who may be caring for you;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">If your prescriber insists that you have to take medication which is potentially harmful to you, discuss your options with:</span></span></li><ul><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your prescriber</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your sponsor, mentor, or recovery coach</span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your significant other or loved ones<br></span></span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Others in recovery who have gone through similar experiences </span></span></li></ul><li><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">If, after this, you decide that the medication is necessary for your overall well-being and healing, find someone who cares about your well-being to dispense your medication for you. Accountability is key.</span></span></li></ul><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">By writing here, I am beginning the process of reversing my errors. I will follow the steps listed above. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">However, let me share my thoughts, feelings, and experience with this:</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">For my healthy recovery, I need to not only avoid addictive and mood-altering substances - I also need to avoid the behaviors associated with substance use, such as being sneaky and dishonest. Not wanting to tell anyone that I have been (or will be) prescribed dangerous-for-me drugs is sneaky, and some part of me gets some form of gratification from that. Not disclosing the whole truth to my medical care providers is dishonest, and I don't get gratification from that, but dishonesty can still be a go-to for me when I get afraid. It's important for me to be honest with myself about the whole picture.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have never been physically addicted to opoids; I have, however, misused them, even while supposedly in recovery from alcoholism. It has been my experience that if I misuse any potentially mood-altering medication, I will eventually go back to my drug of choice (alcohol). This has been the experience of many others, as well.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">One might ask, "Ken, why can't you just take the medication as prescribed, instead of misusing it?" And the answer is, to be honest, that I am not that far advanced to do so. The idea of getting a little taste of something that I used to get high from is not pleasing to me - it's like taking one drink, for which I have no desire. I've never had a desire for one, and only one, drink, oxycodone, brownie, or several other things. When I see a prescription that says, "Take 1 every 4 hours as needed" I see, "Take 4 every hour, and you need it." I would rather live with physical pain which I know to be temporary (and able to be alleviated with other methods) than the inner anguish of craving. When I was recently going through my intensely painful gastrointestinal issues, I was buying all sorts of over-the-counter stomach remedies, and rarely did I follow the usage instructions. (I also found that by over-medicating myself, without a physician's advice, that I was potentially creating more problems for myself than I was solving. I guess I still have stuff to work on!) So I really do not want to hand my prescription over to someone else and have them dole out the correct dosage for me - it would create more discomfort for me than it <i>might </i>alleviate. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">But this is why we discuss it with others, preferably those who have experience - there are some instances where treating the pain of whatever is going on is necessary for the healing process. In my particular case, I don't think I'll need to take anything more than NSAIDS (Ibuprofen, naproxen, meloxicam, etc) and acetominophen (Tylenol). I learned this from a dentist, who has encountered many patients who need to stay away from opiods - that alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol is effective. My surgery is going to be minimally invasive, I have a high physical pain tolerance, and I have the tool of meditation. I believe I can live with the physical pain and discomfort, but I will discuss it with others.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">But why not trust solely upon what the doctor is saying? If you're in recovery from substance use disorder, you know the answer. If not, the answer is that most physicians are given about a day's education on substance use disorder and are unaware of the dangers to certain populations of certain medications. In general, pharmacists know more about pharmacology than physicians do, and are good resources to talk to about alternatives and possible drug interactions. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Next question: "Why don't you simply resolve to avoid that which gives you trouble (wtf is wrong with you)?" Because by choice, genetics, or fate, I have a disorder which has hijacked the parts of my brain dealing with survival and choice. This is irreversible; I will never be able to drink like a gentleman (nor do I have any desire to do so). Additionally, I have created strong neural pathways (habits) in my brain which can't be eradicated overnight. The human brain creates these neural pathways for our survival - neural pathways are so that we don't have to consciously decide whether or not we're in danger each time we encounter a tiger in the woods. Neural pathways are why I still occasionally reach for my keys to unlock the door to my house even though we have a push-button lock, and I've lived here for 6 months. Neural pathways are great, except when we want or need to change something in our lives.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So yes, I am dead certain that alcohol and other mood-altering drugs are not good for my survival; but my subconscious, which isn't nearly as smart as I am, is not really aware of this. In fact, it still thinks they're probably ok. Yes, it's an aberration; yes, it's like lying down with the tiger even after it's eaten one of my hands and feet. So the freeway to hell still exists in my brain even though I haven't used substances for a while. It takes time, experience, and conscious decision making to let that freeway disappear. I have to experience triggers to use, and consciously tell myself a different story each time. This is why there is so much relapse in addiction, and why it is such a dangerous disorder - knowledge of our condition is not enough. We need to actually expect triggers and consciously re-do our thinking when we encounter them. Today was a trigger. I'm implementing manual override.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">That which isn't understandable to people who have not experienced it can be understandable to those who have experienced it <i>and</i> approach it without shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It's called learning to live in the solution, rather than the problem. What can I consciously do today to ensure my survival, because I recognize that my subconscious (automatic thinking) probably won't do it for me. With practice, the process becomes an accepted way of living rather than an onerous burden.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I appreciate you reading this and being part of my recovery!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ken<br></span></span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-72603986524708987712022-07-21T23:37:00.002-07:002022-07-21T23:37:52.566-07:00Life Doesn't Get Any Better<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Some years ago, I heard a speaker, who had some time in recovery, state that his life hadn't gotten any better since he quit drinking and began practicing a program of recovery - but that his response to life had improved dramatically. This rang very true to me - I heard it as the Truth, and stored it somewhere up in my cranium (which, to be honest, isn't always the best place to store important stuff). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I understand the concept, and it's very simple - life is how I perceive it. But, as many have discovered, knowing a Truth and living the Truth are two different things. I've heard it described in <a href="https://www.unity.org/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Unity</a> as the longest journey I'll ever take - the 18" between my head and my heart.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">For so long I tried to escape life while still living, and when I couldn't escape it, I did what I could to try to soften its blows. Years turned into decades of searching for a way to be ok with life and a way to be ok with myself. Nothing I discovered was sustainable. My efforts were met with disappointment, failure, shame, and immense suffering.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I was at a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. All of our meetings include a brief meditation. Tonight's meditation was Make Your Life Sacred by <a href="https://www.sarahblondin.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Sarah Blondin</a>. She gives great meditations, and it is evident that she has experienced her own suffering, and made the journey from her head to her heart. Tonight's meditation spoke of this concept that I heard many years ago - that life really does treat me how I treat it. And I realized that I am much closer (if not there) to responding to life (and myself) in a way that creates happiness and peace - not only for me, but for those whose lives I touch. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Recovery Dharma is an addiction (substance and process) recovery program based on Buddhism's Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. One of the basic tenets of Recovery Dharma is that my suffering is created simply by my misunderstanding of reality and my unskillful reactions to it. Meditation and mindfulness practice is essential to this recovery journey. <a href="https://mindworks.org/mindfulness-meditation/meditation-brain/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Consistent meditation practice</a> actually changes the way the brain works - stress and anxiety are reduced, and happiness, empathy, and compassion are increased. Mindfulness allows me to take a step back from my thinking and observe how it causes my suffering. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">That's all well and good, but that's still all in the head. What about this journey to the heart? Good question!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Last week I celebrated my <a href="https://fullyhuman-fullydivine.blogspot.com/2022/07/60.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">60th</a> birthday, and for me it was (still is) the hugest milestone of my life since being born. I had an extraordinary experience a couple of days later - I don't remember exactly what I was doing - puttering around the house - but I got this strong feeling/thought (it came out of nowhere, as thoughts do) that suicide was no longer an option for me. On my pull-down menu of 'Reactions to Life,' self-annihilation had disappeared. It was, and is, a deep conviction that I am completely ready to face the rest of this life experience without the desire to take myself out. Now, to a lot of you reading this, you'll say, "Well, duh!" That's because it hasn't been an option for you. For me, and many others, it has been. It is exactly the same feeling, the same conviction, of those recovering alcoholics who have told me that drinking is no longer an option for them. What was once an option that seemed to be an out if life got too tough is simply no longer there, and that is nothing short of a miracle. (This doesn't mean that I no longer have to work a recovery program, because suicide and substance use are merely symptoms of the real problem, which is suffering - needless suffering from this experience called life). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Sarah Blondin spoke tonight about the mystery of life - that there are things that we will never understand on a cognitive level, but that we can accept on a heart level. Sam Harris, my meditation mentor, calls it consciousness - the awareness that life exists, and that I am a part of, an object of consciousness. Living this way, one begins to see that life is neither good nor bad, it just is. Well, doesn't that mean you just don't give a shit anymore? Good question! One might think so, but it isn't so. It actually means that I am able to care about life - yours and mine - without wholly identifying with what I my mind thinks is going on. It allows me to use compassion and empathy to sit with another person's suffering and support them without it creating suffering in me. It allows me to feel the pain of life and get to the other side without being crushed. In the end, it allows me to know, both in my head and in my heart, that I can make it - I can survive - whatever I experience. In the end, it allows me to do one thing I have never been able to do before in this lifetime (and which so many of you seem to do with ease), and that is to realize, to know deep down, that Life Is Precious. In other words, Life Is Sacred.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">You see, solely in my head, life makes no sense. As some have said, life's a bitch and then you die. My stance used to be, "Let's skip the bitch part and get to the dying part." Now I stand in an ever-growing awareness that life, consciousness, is a precious gift. It is a gift that I can endeavor to give to others on this journey, through connection and sharing. Knowing that life is sacred allows me to look upon the suffering of others not with revulsion, but with compassion and empathy, because I am becoming more aware each day that your life is my life, and my life is yours. I am now much more able to practice lovingkindness toward others rather than contempt, disdain, or even hatred. I am becoming more skillful at treating myself with love and understanding rather than self-deprecation and self-hatred.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">There isn't a goal on this journey, other than enlightenment, but if we make enlightenment the goal, we won't reach it and we certainly won't enjoy the journey (yes, one of the mysteries and paradoxes of life). The journey is the goal - to become aware of each moment in this journey, so that we may experience life to the fullest.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">You know what I really want to do? Right now anyway - I want to speak to people who suffer and feel downtrodden and shit on by life and let them know that there is hope. Real hope. Not hope in some far off, dreamy way, like winning the lottery some day (although that hope exists, too), but hope right here, right now, in this moment, in this present experience, no matter how things may appear. That's what I want to do. I want to let people know that the pain that is inevitable in living this existence does not have to turn into suffering, and that it can have value. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am so incredibly grateful to be here now, more so than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am grateful for all of the teachers and teachings that have led me to the way I am experiencing life in this moment, and I am truly grateful to be alive.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be well, and may you be free from suffering.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Ken </span></span><br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-90346071370900744192022-07-13T13:35:00.004-07:002022-07-13T13:36:59.368-07:0060!<p> <span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Today is my 60th birthday, the beginning of my 61st trip around the Sun! It truly is a happy day for me, and I've rarely been able to say that. Over the past few weeks I've been pondering what it's like for me to be turning 60, and I can honestly say it's a miracle, and I'm glad and grateful to be here today.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Two years ago, after experiencing yet another bottom and return to hope, I made a commitment to myself to do my best to stay alive for the next two years. My cycles in and out of sanity/recovery are, on average, about two years, so I thought that 2 years was a reasonable time to make a commitment. I almost blew staying alive 10 months ago, and I've since realized that these 'cycles' are actually getting shorter, so I've really got to keep on my toes. In fact, if the past 9 months are any indicator, it looks like I'd better commit daily to doing whatever I can to stay alive.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">But it's become, fortunately, so much more than staying alive, or merely surviving. If this is your first time reading my blog, my daily 'struggle', as it were, is doing whatever I can to stay out of life-threatening depression and remaining abstinent from alcohol and other addictive, mood-altering substances. In fact, this incarnation of my blog began 7 years ago with this post <a href="https://fullyhuman-fullydivine.blogspot.com/2015/07/return-to-recovery.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Return to Recovery</a>. If you read it, you'll see that my aim is the same: "</span></span><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I still have hope that I can learn to enjoy this lifetime, and to live a life that has purpose and meaning. That seems like a tall order, but, taken in little chunks, and done with guidance, it's probably do-able. We'll see.</i>" In some respects, nothing has changed; in others, everything has.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">"It's been a long life." This statement was my mantra for a long time. In fact, it seems to me I've packed a few lifetimes into this life, and today, I look at that as a positive - it means that I'm never truly stuck. I've learned that life is constantly changing, and, more importantly, changes more quickly, with less suffering, when I am able to accept 'what is' without clinging.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">This past July 10th, I reached a recovery milestone of 9 months without the use of alcohol. If you are close to me, you know that I don't put much stock for myself in time of abstinence - to me, it's sort of like celebrating the fact that I've eaten something every day for the past 9 months, or breathed for the past 9 months. It is vitally important that I do these things - stay sober, eat, and breathe - but it's seems just as important that I aspire each day to live this day to it's fullest. I don't think I was given this life to merely stay out of jail and be a source of carbon dioxide. I hope not, anyway. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">The much more significant recovery milestone that I've reached is today. The miracle is that I woke up this morning, giving me yet another opportunity to fully embrace life. I've spent so much of my life doing just the opposite. I've spent most of my life trying to avoid life, or, more accurately, trying to avoid the pain and discomfort that (I now know) comes automatically with life. In doing so, I've caused myself and others pain, discomfort, and suffering. I was hoping to create some happiness, peace, and joy in my life; what I actually often created was sorrow and discord.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So much has occurred over the last few years, and especially the past 9 months, to convince me that life is not only worth living, that it can be a joyful experience. This is the miracle of my 60th birthday - that today, I am actually enjoying life and looking forward to what comes next! I would have thought that 60 was pretty much the end of life, that it's all downhill from here. Not so for my 60 - I feel vibrantly alive today, and I am filled with joy. These are feelings I was skeptical about feeling, and words I never thought I'd write.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have deep gratitude for all the experiences and people that have brought me to this day. If you are reading this, you are one of the people that has brought me joy and given me purpose. I hope that your days are filled with much hope, joy, health, and peace. Thank you.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ken</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVbjeThymIrk6ev-UhpG7c9XpXAcqMkaMttEHhbouUXrRHzbosQrtGVvCSkpWiYYZ5JtqVz4xSeqpF9S16jcygvLZ_e8UP_nQ4hmgoZkipRUFO1PXN8W5ydZvAlI-XSI-i8ht_4GsJg4DrA61Vrj9I2s7B166bnw4VBWQlt1ZNzrJQibWsLldykRhCkw/s2467/IMG_20220713_112017.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2467" data-original-width="1730" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVbjeThymIrk6ev-UhpG7c9XpXAcqMkaMttEHhbouUXrRHzbosQrtGVvCSkpWiYYZ5JtqVz4xSeqpF9S16jcygvLZ_e8UP_nQ4hmgoZkipRUFO1PXN8W5ydZvAlI-XSI-i8ht_4GsJg4DrA61Vrj9I2s7B166bnw4VBWQlt1ZNzrJQibWsLldykRhCkw/s320/IMG_20220713_112017.jpg" width="224" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /></span><p></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-10519472329970611852022-07-01T00:50:00.001-07:002022-07-01T00:52:09.825-07:00Releasing Self-Righteousness<p> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">If a person in recovery is fortunate, lives long enough, and searches diligently and deeply for 'causes and conditions', answers begin to come. Answers to the questions, "What is it going to take for me to begin to really enjoy life? What's it going to take for me to stop sabotaging myself, even in recovery? What's it going to take for me to stop hating myself, much less like, or even love, myself?" One such answer came to me this evening. It is probably not THE answer, but it's a big one. I ran across a quote in my Facebook feed from Roland Bal, who treats PTSD and C-PTSD, and whom I follow. It is this: "Self-righteousness is an outcome of uncontained and unresolved anger. Think opposites; when you are made to feel small, you want to feel significant." </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Reading that statement opened a door for me. You see, I engage in a whole lot of self-righteous, judgmental thinking. Now, I very rarely expose myself by actually saying what I think when I'm in that mode - I also have huge people-pleasing tendencies, and I don't think that people-pleasing and self-righteousness mix well together. Additionally, I loathe self-righteous people (which is a bit ironic). But I also still loathe myself a lot of the time, especially lately, when this type of thinking in which I'm engaging bothers me. It bothers me, but I'm not very skillful yet at stopping it or letting it go. I do recognize that I've nothing to be self-righteous about. I am a very far cry from being a pure and perfect human being. But the fact remains, on occasion...well, on many occasions...I think I'm smarter than and better than most folks. And this happens a lot at work, and it happens off and on at home (my current home, living with 10 young men). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">In the Recovery Dharma program, compassion is big. Practicing compassion is emphasized - both compassion with others, and compassion with ourselves. Additionally, as a trained and certified (but not currently working as) Peer Support Specialist, I am supposed to practice compassion and empathy and be non-judgmental. And the weird thing, maybe, is that I do practice compassion, and I am empathetic and non-judgmental. When I sit down with another person and have a real conversation about recovery or life or whatever, I set my intention to be that compassionate person, and I am. And I don't judge those whom I've gotten to know through this process. So, if I have the capacity and the skill for compassion and empathy, why does my mind flip at times to self-righteousness and judgmental-ism? </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The answer is in the above quote: "...when [I am] made to feel small, [I] want to feel significant."</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is obviously an issue of self-esteem and self-worth, and I know I'm not alone. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, co-founder Bill Wilson writes in his own story, "...Twenty-two, and a veteran of foreign wars, I went home at last. I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. I took a night law course, and obtained employment as investigator for a surety company. The drive for success was on. <i>I'd prove to the world I was important </i>[emphasis added]." (Alcoholics Anonymous, AA World Services, 4th ed, pp. 1-2) Now I had read Bill's Story numerous times over the years, and I missed the line, "I'd prove to the world I was important." When it finally hit me, it occurred to me that a person with normal self-worth and normal self-esteem doesn't need to prove to anybody that they're important. And Bill felt this way at the beginning of his alcoholic journey, before his mind had been warped and he'd been beaten down by the disease.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I'd heard often in meetings that alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes, and it certainly seems to agree with Bill's statement. In the last few years of various treatment modalities, I've learned that alcoholics and addicts take on some of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This isn't to say that all alcoholics have this disorder, but that a number of the traits that those with the disorder have are developed during the course of a person's addiction, such as, "I know better than you (or anybody)" and "I can do whatever I want." </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The AA way is to classify this egomania combined with feelings of inferiority as a character defect or shortcoming, and ask God to remove it. That actually never worked for me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I assert that Bill Wilson's desire to prove he was important developed long before he ever took his first drink of alcohol. Roland Bal's statement suggests that when I am made to feel small, I want to feel significant - the opposite of small. When I am unheard, I desire to be heard. When I am made to feel stupid, or useless, or less-than (not good enough), I desire to <i>feel </i>smart, useful, or better than good enough. I'm not an egomaniac. I think egomaniacs have ambition, something I've never seemed to have a lot of. Or maybe will, or drive. I do remember wanting to show the 'peers' (I use that term really loosely here) with whom I attended high school that I was something, and often got on the path to do just that. But I could never stay on the path. I always, always, always failed. Every single time. Some people become great successes, yet still feel inferior at their core - for no good reason. I had reason. I <i>was</i> inferior.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So, over the years, I retained my better-than-thou attitude because having it made me <i>feel</i> superior, or significant. But, just like the alcohol, and the substances, and the behaviors that made me feel good, my attitude could never sustain how I really felt, what I really <i>believed </i>about myself - that I was less-than, and defective, and really undeserving of anything good. For the longest time, I wasn't even lovable; if somebody did love me, they were either crazy, or I had fooled them into loving me. That love was never sustainable.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">But I digress. The fact is that I had developed a habit of thinking, an attitude, in which the world and most of its inhabitants were really quite shitty, and unsuitable for me. So even when I got something nice, like a shiny new car, or a shiny new job, or a shiny new girlfriend, eventually my overall attitude would color the the new thing or person, and it wasn't good enough any more. And I'd leave. Or drink. Or attempt suicide. Or all of the above, it did not matter, I would fuck. it. up.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I had a new job once and a friend asked me how I liked it, and I said, "It's great! I really like everybody there!" And they replied, "Don't worry, that'll pass." Yep.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This evening, after I read that quote, memories came up of a lot of the times growing up that others, usually authority figures, made me feel small. Or, to put it more accurately, I erroneously believed the demeaning words and actions of some people. But, when a five or six-year-old child is told by their 1st grade teacher to stand in a corner and stay there, and "don't turn around because nobody wants to see your face," that child, who is supposed to respect his teachers and believe what they say, might have a tendency to believe that teacher. To this day I have no idea or recollection of what I did wrong. But I knew I was bad. And what happened with me was I began to look at almost everybody as better and/or bigger than me. I <i>was </i>small.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So what happens at work, or at home (living with 10 young men), that triggers this 'small' feeling, to which I respond with thoughts of judgment? I can truthfully say that it's all internal, not external. Nobody has talked down to me, or done anything purposely to make me feel small for a very long time. It's the fear of being judged 'not good enough' that I carry with me. It's the fear of people that I don't know well and that are 'different' from me that I carry. There's the opportunity to be judged at work, because I'm not perfect at my job. There's the opportunity to be judged at home, because even though we're peers in addiction, I'm different because I'm old (and probably old-fashioned). I've got some nice things going now, but I need to be wary because things always change for the worse. That idea right there is the underlying belief, and the key to becoming a professional self-saboteur.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I like signs of progress, and I experienced some progress the other day. A person at work who handles pricing and making price tags (we must have a million) called me up to their office. I had set up some displays the day previous, and did not make any signage for prices or product description. They let me know in no uncertain terms that that can't happen, and that if I need assistance in making the signage, they'd help. Now, the person telling me this did this in a manner that was pretty stern, and very understandable to me. The progress I made was I accepted that I had screwed up, this person was letting me know, very firmly, how to avoid screwing up again. I did not take this personally, like "I'm a bad person." (In fact, come to think of it, if my thinking had gone that way, the better and more accurate version would have been, "I'm a bad worker). I left that encounter examining what I was thinking and feeling, and it was all ok. I screwed up, they let me know. It happens. I like when things like this happen - I <i>can</i> respond in a rational way. I know I can do it!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">What can I do about this habitual, downward spiral thinking of mine that causes me suffering? I've already started with the first thing: objective self-examination/reflection. The next is to share this with someone, such as my mentor. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Then I would probably visit my inner child, the 5 year-old me, or the 11 year-old me, or the 19 year-old me, in meditation and say something like this: "I am sorry you are hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt. When adults speak to you in a demeaning way, a way that makes you feel small, it is not you. It is not your fault - adults have no business talking down to a child, and those that do have their own issues inside that they haven't dealt with. They really know no better, and it is not your fault. You are a worthy person simply because You Are. When your peers make fun of you, and make you feel 'not good enough', know that this, too, is done out of their own ignorance, and their own issues. <u>People who feel good about who they are don't put others down.</u> Please know that you are loved, that you are a valuable and worthwhile person. Please know that your life is valuable. Please know that for every person you meet that puts you down, you will meet 100 others who will lift you up. You are not a burden to anybody, and you are so much more than 'enough'." Something like that. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Then there is journaling. Actual journaling, not just this blog. And forgiveness - me first. I will forgive myself for believing the lies with which I grew up for so so long into my adulthood. I will forgive myself for the harm I caused myself and others through acting on my erroneous beliefs. And I will forgive those that I believe hurt me. I will begin practicing understanding and compassion when I think of these people. I will send <i>metta</i> to every one of them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And I will consciously practice gratitude for every person in my life. I will practice seeing the best in them. In doing so, I will eliminate the cognitive dissonance I experience and the self-loathing I feel from desiring to be a kind, loving, compassionate person while thinking like a self-righteous twit. I will open myself to even greater connection with others and begin to recognize the worth of us all.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So that's the plan. In my last post, I wrote about recognizing and developing personal power. A person who feels small and insignificant does not feel much personal power, if any. The better a person feels about themself, the more personal power they have to direct their lives in a way that is beneficial not only to the person but to those whose lives they touch. That is my desire - to live in such a way that benefits humankind and eases the suffering of others.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">And we'll see where that goes.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Ken</span></span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-67255081796787426582022-06-09T21:58:00.001-07:002022-06-09T21:58:33.280-07:00Personal Power<p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have been practicing more exercise and improved eating habits over the past 2 months. I have lost 20 lbs, and am at a weight that I haven't seen in a healthy way in 25 years or more. Did I just wake up one day and decide I needed to lose 20 lbs? No! I've been wanting to lose weight and trying different strategies the whole time. I am not comfortable being overweight. I was so overweight at one time that I couldn't tie my shoes without getting short of breath. I didn't like the way I looked when I was overweight. Other people couldn't necessarily tell, but I could every time I took a shower.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So imagine taking a shower (almost) every day and looking at myself and saying to myself, "I've got to lose weight. Why can't I lose weight? Today, I won't eat any sugar." And then, sure enough, when I'd arrive at work, it'd be somebody's birthday, and they'd brought in a couple dozen donuts. And there went my resolve. What do you suppose happens to a person's self-esteem, self-worth, and self-trust if they, day after day, resolve to do something good for themselves, and then fail to do it? If I had a friend who promised to do something with me every day, and who continually failed to make good on his promise, I wouldn't have that friend anymore. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So what happened a couple of months ago? I had gotten a new Primary Care Provider after my previous one passed away (that's a little ominous). I had gone to see her because I've been experiencing some problems in the abdominal area since about December of last year, and that's a long time for me to experience these problems. So she got me signed up for tests and such, and looked at my last labwork, and asked, "How long have you been pre-diabetic?" And I told her about 15 years at least. And she gave me a list of things to give up in order to get my symptoms under control.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now my new care provider is thorough, intelligent, and a good listener. But I've had a few good medical providers in my life - none of them ever convinced me to do anything. And neither did this one.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think it's a combination of things that got me committed to my weight loss. The persistent abdominal stuff was concerning to me, because of the very real possibility of certain diseases that I'd rather not have. For instance, my pancreas (which produces insulin) is probably my weakest organ. I've had episodes of hypoglycemia throughout my life, and I know that pouring alcohol on top of a pancreas is not the healthiest thing to do. Also, I'm nearing the completion of my 59th trip around the sun, and I know that as I age, my body does not seem to repair itself as efficiently as it used to. So part of my personal power comes from a growing practicality.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">But if practicality were all it took for me to make good life choices, my history would look a lot different! So there's more to it. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Let's take a look at what I've done to get down to a comfortable weight: The very most important thing that I did was to give up my latest comfort snack. I used to, on a daily basis, eat a large peanut butter and Nutella burrito. I can't describe how good that was. It was wonderful. But it's also loaded with sugar and fats. (By the way, alcohol is a sugar, too - I'm sure that glucose affects me in a similar way that alcohol affects me). I'm pretty sure one of the abdominal attacks I experienced was a gall bladder attack, which can come from eating too much fatty food. Ok, so give up the sugar - that's like an instant 5 pounds right there. But I also committed to becoming more consistent with my exercise. How many times have I been out of breath while bicycling up a hill and cursing my fat ass? But really what I committed to was giving up the comfort that came with the unhealthy way I was eating. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">As you might know, I've been practicing meditation consistently for a little over a year now. There's that word 'consistently' again! The only thing I used to do consistently was give up. When I first started, I know I did it every day for 90 days, and it was possibly 12o days. Either way, that was a miracle - it was the first time in my life that I had done something good, something healthy for myself on a regular basis that nobody else saw or cared about. And I continue that practice today (not always daily, but still regularly and consistently). Well, part of meditation is learning to sit with discomfort, because discomfort doesn't cause problems in my life. What causes suffering for me is my <i>aversion</i> to discomfort. I have learned, over the past year, that <i>anything</i> I feel is temporary - if I accept it for what it is and let it go. This has been very helpful to me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So I began to look at this whole weight thing as an opportunity to practice sitting with discomfort, because I knew if I let go of my comfort foods (and there are quite a few more than those yummy burritos), I'd be experiencing discomfort. And the really cool thing is that I don't have to dive back into my past to figure out what 'causes' me to overeat, or eat for comfort rather than energy and nutrition. If I'm willing to sit with the discomfort of giving up a comforting habit (but one that ultimately causes suffering), then whatever I need to learn about its origins will come to me. As it turns out, food is just one of the things I've used to deal with anxiety and insecurity. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The real miracle of this thing, and why this is so important, is that I've been able to move toward healthy eating and away from comfort eating over the past two months while working my job, which arouses my insecurities and anxieties. And I work in a grocery store. I work in the dairy department which, in this instance, is surrounded by the bakery, the liquor department, the ice cream freezers, and the pharmacy. I work right in the most addictive part of the store. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So, somewhere along the line, my personal <i>real</i> well-being began to take precedence over my immediate feelings. But this whole using substances and behaviors (outside things) to change the way I felt inside is something I've known about since I was a teenager, and a part of me also knew it wasn't the way to go. Deep down, for probably my whole life, or at least since I was an adolescent, I've wanted to learn how to change and live from the inside out rather than the other way around. It's just that I was so afraid of the way I felt - I identified so closely with my feelings - that I was, for the most part, unwilling to let go and see what would happen if I stopped medicating the way I felt. I was afraid that my emotions and feelings would crush me. Alcohol was about the only thing I was willing to give up - until now.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Obviously I've been pondering this thing for a couple of months. How is this so relatively easy? And it's not that I made one decision and stuck with it. Believe me, I make many decisions to choose health and facing my anxiety and insecurities every day, and I'm successful about 90% of the time. Part of it is that I've started to care for myself - I mean, I'm really getting to know and like myself. And as such, I feel less compelled to do things that I know are potentially harmful to me. Part of it is that I am really learning to see things - life - with a clearer perspective. Life is constantly changing - nothing is permanent (except maybe change). So if nothing is permanent, I don't have to cling, to anything. In fact, since nothing is permanent, my clinging or attachment to past events (and everything is a past event) will cause suffering. So I learn to let go, and if someone was an asshole to me yesterday, well, today's a different day and maybe they're different, too. Or maybe I'm more compassionate and forgiving today - who knows? </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The very biggest thing that I've gotten from this experience is that I like myself better today than I did 2 months ago (but at least I liked myself enough to go to the doctor!). The reason I like myself better is that I'm not lying to myself as much - I'm not looking in the mirror and making promises I know I'm not going to keep. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Success breeds success, so my next venture is to give up nicotine, which I've used for most of 46 years. I've already started. I feel good about this - I been doing this for a couple of days, and I notice I get little cravings - a little more than thoughts, but not like huge, I'm going to die if I don't get some chew (smokeless tobacco) cravings. A little thought, a little craving, is relatively easy to let go of. I get little thoughts about everything all day long, and the difference now is that I don't hang onto them as long (for the most part) and allow them to turn into trains of thought. It's a lot easier to let go of a thought than it is a whole train. Today I don't worry about little cravings because I know they're little more than thoughts, and thoughts contain only as much energy (or power) as I give them. What I don't feed goes away.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I'm developing personal power. Personal power is using volition and agency to better myself, to create a better existence for myself (and, by extension, those around me). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is a very new thing for me. I've felt personally weak my entire life. Up to this point, I have failed to accomplish so very much more than I have accomplished. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Developing, or nurturing and cultivating, my personal power looks like this:</span></span></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Accepting and embracing it when I notice it, rather than pushing it away simply because it's something new and entirely different;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Setting and enforcing boundaries - with myself and with others;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Recognizing core beliefs, attitudes, fears (safety nets), and habits which no longer serve me and becoming willing to let them go;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Letting go of attachments, especially to people who are not healthy for me;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Learning to listen for and heeding the still, small voice within, rather than the noise of society at large;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Choosing how I show up in the world based upon my own standards and ethics, rather than trying to live up to the imagined expectations of others;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Cultivating habits that are physically empowering, such as abstaining from addictive substances and behaviors, maintaining or improving my physical strength, and eating in a healthy way;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Develop self-discipline with things nobody sees - when I get up and when I sleep, meditation, prayer, exercise;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Practicing each day living from the inside out, meaning living from the fact that I am safe, and I already have everything I need within to enjoy this day and make it the best day ever;</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Practice gratitude - for my recovery, for health, for my friends, for prosperity, for a place to live, for my 5 senses, for nature, etc.</span></span></li></ul><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"> There's probably more, which we'll discover along the way. This stuff is important for me, and it's important for anybody in recovery - not only from mental health and substance use disorders, but physical diseases, too. Things happen in life that can help to make us feel weak, helpless, powerless. The Truth is that we aren't.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This morning I once again experienced severe abdominal cramping at work. I had taken stuff for it - an anti-anxiety med, Pepto-Bismol, and was practicing breathing and re-framing my thoughts. The pain seemingly wouldn't leave (I felt helpless) and the thought came to mind that a drink of alcohol would relieve the pain. This was a serious thought, alcohol is readily available to me, and I knew for a fact that it would relieve the pain and cramping - at first. The truth is that alcohol and my stomach (nor any other organ in my body) do not get along, and any pain alleviated would be replaced later by a much greater pain. So I let that idea go, and allowed the other remedies to take effect, which they eventually did. I relate this to illustrate that sometimes stuff happens that is so painful - illness, grief, etc., - that we feel powerless over it and would do anything to alleviate our suffering. The Truth is that we are more powerful than we know, and we do not have to succumb to our weakness to alleviate discomfort, pain, and suffering. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I think that's all for now. I hope you received something from reading this; I received something from writing it! Also, I am going to begin to write again with more frequency. I've got a boatload of topics, and many started-but-never-finished posts. I don't want to be that way anymore - that doesn't make me feel good about myself. Thank you for reading.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Ken</span></span><br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-51045379622332645612022-05-10T11:52:00.008-07:002022-05-10T11:58:02.309-07:00Save a Life: Listen<p> <span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Tomorrow evening, I will be attending a viewing of the documentary "My Ascension." It chronicles the inspiring journey of Emma Benoit, a young woman from Louisiana, who survived a suicide attempt and her subsequent recovery (<a href="https://www.myascension.us/">My Ascension</a>). I am going primarily because I like inspiring mental health stories of hope (after all, I am one!), but also because I desire to become more involved in mental health recovery support. Previously, I had seen Kevin Hines' story (<a href="https://www.kevinhinesstory.com/">Kevin Hines</a>); he is one of the few people who have survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">For the purposes of this post, the terms mental illness, mental health, and recovery include both mental health disorders as well as substance use disorders, because the trip toward relapse is the same - a degradation of our mental health to the point that we act out in unwise and often dangerous ways.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Talking about suicide is uncomfortable. Having a real conversation about mental illness is uncomfortable. Talking with someone about what is going on in their mind is uncomfortable. In the 1960's, there was so much stigma surrounding drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental health that it was rarely discussed - it was swept under the carpet. In the 1970's, the topics were treated with Valium and trips to the hospital for 'exhaustion'. Mental illness and mental health were not discussed, for the most part. It was a taboo topic - everybody's mental health was their own business. Mental health topics did not appear in schools.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">For years and years and years, I sat with my dark thoughts about suicide and self-loathing without discussing them with anyone because I thought I was alone in thinking and feeling the way I did. Even when I was involved in alcoholism recovery programs, I felt alone; the people I listened to talked about how bad they felt while in the depths of their drinking, and how great they felt now being sober. I did not understand, because alcohol allowed me to escape the way I felt when I wasn't drinking. Today I know I wasn't alone; I only thought and felt I was. I can look back on my membership in a 12-step recovery program and recall several people who took their own lives while sober - some even after decades of sobriety. And we'd go to the funerals and say, "Ain't that a shame." I remember one comment at a funeral from another 12-step program member: "Well, at least he died sober." (wtf?)</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I began sharing my story with others on a public basis several years ago because I realized it helped <u>me</u>. I share in this blog, I've shared in front of church groups, law enforcement groups, mental health professionals groups, and with patients on behavioral health units. I come across to people who don't know me as an average, everyday human being, fairly normal. (Nowadays, I come across to people who <u>do</u> know me as that way as well. Well, maybe not 'normal,' but well within acceptable limits.) So a secondary reason for sharing my story with others developed: I want to 'normalize' mental illness and mental health. I want others who suffer to be encouraged to seek help. I want others who live with mental health disorders to be treated the same by law enforcement and medical professionals as people who live with heart disorders, diabetes, lung disorders, kidney disorders, arthritis, blood infections - in other words, I'd like people to be able to speak without shame about what is going on with them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes I play 'what if' and I imagine what life would be like in different scenarios. Here's one: What if in school, even starting in kindergarten or elementary school, students were taught that if they feel like or think about harming themselves or another individual, that there's something going on that they need to talk with someone about? Again, in other words, what if we treated some of the signs of mental illness like we treat the signs of physical illness - "Bobby, you're bleeding all over the place; go to the school nurse." Would things begin to turn out differently if children were encouraged to talk about their 'bad' thoughts and feelings?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Listening to people share difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences is difficult. We often want to avoid our own pain; why should we want to engage in someone else's? </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">It's part of the human experience, that's why. 7 or so months ago, I made the commitment to develop real connections with other people. I didn't do it because I thought it'd be fun or because I'm a good human being; I made this commitment because it was (hopefully) the last thing I hadn't done to try to stay in recovery. I did it because I became convinced that I needed to do so to not only stay alive (survive), but to enjoy living (thrive). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I'm a listener. I've known that for a long time. I've had people over the years feel safe talking to me about stuff they've never talked about with anyone. I didn't really like my role as a listener because it made me feel uncomfortable. Now that I have an active commitment to connect with others, I know why I didn't want to be a listener - because truly listening to another human being share their fear, their shame, their regret, their grief triggers in me my fear, shame, regret and grief. But the flip side is this: in allowing this compassionate practice (listening and sharing), I allow healing to take place within me and another. Many of us have heard, "We're only as sick as our secrets." Truth! Real hell, real suffering, is living alone with our own painful thoughts and feelings. In listening to others, and in sharing my own suffering, I allow light to shine upon that suffering, and it begins to disappear.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I live in Oxford House, which is a sober living house. I knew when I agreed to do that that I was making a big move in my life, because a good part of me didn't want to do it. I've lived with a bunch of men on a number of different throughout my life, and I prefer living alone. Living alone may be more comfortable, but it is not healthy for me. In Recovery Dharma, we learn to sit with discomfort, whether it be mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical. Sitting with my discomfort, rather than trying to avoid, escape, or change it, allows me to see it for what it is: an object of consciousness that will disappear if I let it. So I took living in Oxford House as an opportunity to learn to live with my discomfort of living with and relating to men. And it is working. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am the oldest resident of this house - by 30-40 years. And what I first noticed after moving in was everything that was wrong with everybody else. The second thing that I noticed was that everything that was wrong with everyone else was also wrong with me. Hmph! The third thing I began noticing was that, for the most part, everyone is fairly comfortable living with their imperfect human selves. And I began to get comfortable living with these imperfect human beings, and now I'm beginning to get comfortable living with my imperfect human self. One of the things we endeavor to do here is to support each other by wisely and compassionately talking about behaviors and things we see that might interfere with our primary goal, which is staying clean and sober. Being assertive is challenging! But in the world of addiction, ignoring another persons relapse warning signs can enable their death. So by learning to speak up in a loving way, we're saving lives.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I've also been learning since I made the connection commitment to share with someone I trust my own thoughts and feelings that are causing my suffering. I've found it helpful to develop trusting relationships with more than one person, in case the single sole solitary person in whom I trust is out at sea and can't be contacted when I need them. As I mentioned before, I've spent the majority of this life keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, and struggling with them on my own. I don't have to do that anymore (I never did); I've had several occasions in the past few months where I gathered up the courage to share with someone I trust what is going on inside, and I can faithfully say that doing this has saved my life.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">The upshot of all of this is that I don't have to be afraid of another human being's thoughts and feelings. I can listen to them about their real experience of life, and when I do, I'm doing them a service as well as enriching my life. I know on the surface I only want 'good' things in my life, but when I avoid the 'bad' things, my life is shallow and empty. There is more to life than perfection and success. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is important for the person reading this to know that effective listening is non-judgmental, and it allows another person to share their thoughts and feelings without having the listener try to 'fix' them. An effective listener, if responding, can guide a person to find their own solutions to whatever is going on. Sometimes a solution isn't needed; sometimes a person just needs to be heard. Being heard compassionately is a huge factor in good mental health. It can wipe away that terrible feeling of being alone in the universe. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I appreciate your reading this post, and I hope I've left you with some hope and things to think about, and maybe even some inspiration.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"> Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ken </span></span><br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-84563138443408600602022-05-05T16:55:00.001-07:002022-05-05T16:55:10.027-07:00The Price of Outrage<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Last week, I had an appointment with my primary care provider. During the appointment, we discussed several things that are going on with me physically, and she wrote up orders for tests. Two of the tests were a blood test and a UA, so I set up an appointment with a lab near my work to submit my samples. I had been needing to go to my provider for a while, as I've been experiencing stomach 'attacks' over the past 4 months. What was on my mind was (is) what might be going on, and there are several possibilities swirling through my head. This in itself was (is) causing me some anxiety/fear, although it wasn't really at the conscious level. It was my intellect doing all of the processing, and fear and anxiety were running subroutines in the background. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So I make my appointment at the lab. Since the blood test required a 12 hour fast, I would have preferred an early morning appointment, but the best I could get was 11:30am, which gave me ample time to get the testing done, get something to eat, and show up at work. As I arrived for the test, I had those two things going against me - some underlying fear, and it having been about 16 hours since I last ate something.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I signed in to the testing center, and provided a urine sample. The receptionist took my insurance card, and informed me that their lab does not take my insurance. This is where the outrage began, and my thinking was, "This is stupid!" You see, even though a month or so ago I gave away all of my pet peeves, I guess I forgot one - insurance, and our country's (lack of) health care system. Let the inner rant begin! The initial reason the outrage started is because I get my insurance ultimately through the state, and there are two different companies who administer the state insurance. My company was the wrong one for this lab. Stupid! It's still the same money! And I vented my frustration at the receptionist, which was totally unskillful. I also apologized to her right away - I know what it's like when a customer gets mad at me for something completely beyond my control. The receptionist gave me another lab to go to, along with my urine sample. Fortunately, the lab was close by, and if I got in quickly, I could still make it to work. (One of the things I have to do is plan appointments and such well, as I go almost everywhere on my bike - it's not like I can hop in my imaginary car and be somewhere in 5 minutes). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I get to the new lab - which I've actually been to before, I just can't remember when - and check in. They say they can take me in a few minutes. I looked in my backpack for my urine sample, and discovered my backpack was open and there was no urine sample inside. This gave me an opportunity for some comic relief, which helped quell the rant; however, the rant was still simmering. I'll mention here that the state of Arizona has done an exceptionally good job at taking care of my health needs, and I am cognizant of this. I'll also mention that this whole thing was a very, very minor inconvenience that did not affect me negatively at all - my mind, my perception negatively affected me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Fortunately, all's well that ends well (almost), and I was able to reload, give my samples, and be off to work. I went to work and parked in my customary spot, walked in, and began my shift. I made a funny FB post about the experience that gave people an opportunity to laugh.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">After my shift, I went out to my bicycle, and found that I had left it unlocked (probably because my mind was still ranting). I also discovered my first urine sample in one of my panniers (saddle bag). I must have put it in there after the first lab, and not even remembered I'd done it.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So the price of my outrage was embarrassment, I ruined my serenity, and I could have freely given my bike to any dishonest person who happened to walk by during my 8 hour shift.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Being in recovery, I cannot afford such outrage and inner ranting. It doesn't matter one bit whether I am wrong or I am right about the object of my anger; the point is that my frustration and anger can snowball, and, through some weird quirk in my mind, I will turn it all around and direct it toward myself. I will use it as a tool against myself. In that moment, there was nothing I could do about my insurance or about the state of healthcare in this country. In that moment, it was not my battle to fight. And this knowledge swirled in my head right along with my 'righteous' anger, but the anger was winning - for awhile. Fortunately, creating a humorous FB post about the episode and talking about it with some folks at work helped me let go of the anger and return to a more serene state of mind. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I want to mention here that being sensitive to outrage, anger, and conflict does not mean I can never be a voice for change without putting my recovery in peril; it's quite the opposite, actually. Because I must not dabble in outrage at anything, right or wrong, I must learn how to express my views in a calm, effective, persuasive manner. If I want to be part of a reform movement, I'm much better off being the person who approaches things with rationality and compassion. <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am grateful for this episode, because it reminds me of how quickly my mind can take a minor incident (and sometimes even an incorrect assumption) and run with it to hell. It reminds me that I have to be vigilant with my thinking, and that no matter what is going on around me, my focus must be on acceptance with life the way it is in this moment. Having a consistent mindfulness meditation practice has helped me immensely in bringing my mind back to center, and I am grateful for the growing ability to get back to sanity whenever I go off the rails.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Namasté,</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Ken</span></span> <br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-74928195805623662492022-02-23T11:39:00.001-07:002022-02-23T11:39:16.403-07:00A Part of Me (Sarah Blondin)<p><i><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was presented with this meditation experience last year some time, and was profoundly moved by it, so much so that I wanted to share it on my blog. I listened again this morning, and again was profoundly moved. This meditation is by </span></span></i><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sarah Blondin</span></span><i><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">, and is titled, "</span></span></i><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Healing Through Letting Go." Sarah's <i>meditations, insights, and courses can be found on the app called </i>Insight Timer<i>, and can be accessed without charge (the meditations, anyway). </i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">The following is a transcription of Sarah Blondin's "<b><i>Eyes Wide Open</i></b>":</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me wants to keep my eyes closed, and pull the covers over my head - block out the light trying to be turned on in my room.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me wants to stay right where I am, and wants not anyone, or anything, to jostle me, ask me questions, push me forward.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me wants to hide in my anger and fear, in my stale beliefs, with my pointing fingers, my victimhood, my righteousness, and wants to defend why life is not easy.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me wants to tell the world I have been hurt too many times to move ahead.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me wants to justify how my pain has left me frozen, petrified, and unable to let go.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me is so afraid to look at what is hurting me, that it would rather escape, than face it.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me is so afraid to open my eyes because the very nature of waking up is to be aware, to be accountable, to be responsible for the healing of my life, and knows I will need to take on the task of loving myself until full.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me is so afraid to look and to see because it knows the fingers I have been pointing will be pointing back at me, the angry eyes I have been looking out at the world with are my eyes, my responsibility.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me knows that when caught in anger and pain, I will have to ask myself, "Is this really worth my misery? Is the price I am paying worth my One Precious Life?"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me is afraid to see because it knows that in seeing, I will be asked to let go, and that in letting go I will be asked to be reborn, and that in being reborn, I will have to uncover Who I Truly Am.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me knows that once I begin to see, I will never be able to unsee again; that in waking, I will begin the sometimes scary process of perpetually moving forward, the process of stretching and growing, and then stretching and growing again.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">But another Part of Me knows in every ounce and inch of its being that I am serving no one, not one single life by staying asleep.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A Part of Me is beckoning me to move up and out from all of the places of ungrowth, the dark rooms of stagnant air.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of me is being propelled up and out into this Great Wilderness and asking to discover the power hidden in the creases of My skin, resting on the tips of My eyelashes, traveling in the veins that surge through Me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of Me is not afraid to look Who longs to see, Who longs to live in My Freedom, Who is calling me into the wide expanse of My Being.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A Part of Me knows of My Source, knows of My Magnitude, knows of My Duty, My Call, to stop choosing to stay asleep; to follow my pain until I realize there is nothing more for me to do with it but lay it down.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A part of Me knows this, and calls to me in all of my discontent, and gently shows me signs of Life on the other side; shows me the Gift of rising up and out from the bed I have made on the ground.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Close your eyes now (<i>meditation</i>)</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Arrive in your body; notice your arms, your legs, your ankles, your feet. Breathe deeply, and feel it between your shoulder blades. Arrive here with Yourself. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Can you hear the small voice inside of you, that has been telling you there is more to this Life than what you have been choosing?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Can you hear the small voice inside of you, that has been gently guiding you to your Heart all along?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Can you hear the small voice inside that is telling you, "When you are ready, you are welcome to join Me in the Truth of Your Great Beauty?"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is here, if you listen closely. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Behind the dense hurt and bondage lives another Part of You, standing tall, feet strongly planted in the earth, palms turned to face the sky, earth rejoicing around Its Feet, Heart loud, clear, resolute; Eyes wide open.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">There, inside of you, a wondrous Part of You is calling you to step into the land of Your great, unbounding Potential, Freedom, and Abundance. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Any change or Forgiveness you have experienced in your life was not because someone else made you let go; it was because You chose to. The Power is Yours. The Choice is Yours.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Do not worry yourself too much with how to Live from this Self; do not worry yourself too much with how to release your pain; do not worry yourself with the practical side of this, for there is an Intelligence Living within You that has guided you to this very moment, hearing these very words.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is helping us open our eyes, and is guiding us here always - to this Heart, to our Wholeness. Guidance comes in many forms and faces. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">So do not worry yourself too much with how You will ultimately arrive at Your Freedom, for it is the work of magic and miracle. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">All you must worry yourself with is listening intently for the part of You that is not interested in staying in suffering any longer. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">All you must worry yourself with, Dear One, is listening intently for the part of You that already knows what you must do to arrive at the door of Your Awakening. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">You are longing to be more Alive, You are longing to be fully present to Your One Precious Life. You are not afraid. You are ready, Dear One, to be accountable, to be wholly responsible for Your Life. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life Itself is Pure of Being, empty of suffering. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life Itself is Free from anger and fear. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Life is here for Us to live in wonder of, and to open Our Eyes to Our Ability to let go of all that hurts in order to find our Liberation; to drop the notion that we are owed anything from this Life, and realize that instead, We owe It to Ourselves.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">A Part of You Knows this as Truth; a Part of You can hear a deep and resounding Yes! to the pulling of the covers off from over your head, because it knows Your Life - Your One Precious Life - is so worth it!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. It is my deepest wish that We All wake up to Who We Really Are, by whichever paths get us there.</i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Namasté, </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ken <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i> </i></span></span> <br /></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-29235109836628899982022-01-26T18:24:00.001-07:002022-01-26T18:24:37.033-07:00The Secrecy Is Killing Me!<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I have had difficulty completing any post lately. I have started several, but I haven't been able to finish them. I think what I'm stuck on is an idea that came to me some months ago, and that is the idea of full disclosure. If you are reading about my experience traveling this life journey, then perhaps you might oughta know where I'm coming from. You know I get all of my good ideas from Source, but maybe you want to know what channels Source uses. Maybe not. But here we go:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">If you've been following awhile, you might recall that when I got sober in 2013, I realized that I would need to become authentic in order to stay in recovery. I realized that I would have to let people get to know the real me. I also realized that it would be a great undertaking, as <i>I</i> didn't even know the real me. When you get right down to it, I still don't. This blog was started as part of that 'authentication' process - I knew (and still know) that part of becoming authentic is becoming open. I wanted, and still want, to become an open book. I want to walk through life unafraid, with my head held high. Posting in this blog has done a great deal of good to that end.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">But what I've noticed in myself is that I've become concerned with what you might think about what I write, and this concern has caused me to filter my writing in order to not piss you off or make you not like me. And that is exactly the way I used to live, and it is unacceptable, and it is harmful to me. I used to base my actions, my words, and my opinions upon what I thought the person who was receiving my actions and words would approve of. In other words, I guessed at what you wanted to see/hear from me. That's not real. That's not authentic. That practice obliterates self-esteem and degrades any sense of self-worth that I might have. There is a phrase I heard some years ago - I don't know who wrote it or said it first, but it rings true to me: "<i>I'd rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I am not.</i>"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So when I write, I would like to not be concerned with what others may think or how they react, so long as what I have to write is not harmful to anyone (including me!), true, and possibly of use to someone. I do not want to hide who I am today - that practice is a major contributor to depression, something from which I am trying to recover. In this post, I am going to share a little bit of background so I know you know where I'm coming from, and it is my intention that I hold to higher principles than whether or not I think you still like me. If you do, you do, if you don't, you don't!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The first thing is that I no longer consider myself a member of a 12-step (_______ Anonymous) organization. I attended a 12-step meeting yesterday, and it was the first 12-step meeting that I've attended in over a year. 12-step organizations usually guide themselves by using the 12 Traditions. Tradition 11 suggests that I do not disclose my membership in ________ Anonymous at the public level, and this blog is at the public level, and so far I haven't, at least not in any one organization. But you do the math. And please note my disclaimer on the homepage of my blog - that what is written in this blog does not necessarily represent the views of any organization to which I currently belong to or used to belong to. I still practice the 12 steps, and I still fellowship with recovering people. It's just that I found something that is a better fit for me in...</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Recovery Dharma. And Recovery Dharma doesn't seem to care if I divulge my membership. Recovery Dharma is based on the 4 Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path of Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist, but I don't have to be to be in Recovery Dharma. What does Recovery Dharma give me that _________ Anonymous did not? At meetings, we are free to talk about those things that cause us to suffer. Alcohol is one of those things, but I have not suffered from the effects of alcohol in a little over 3 months. But I have a lot of other stuff going on - over-eating at times, often a desire to escape (aversion), and other 'process addictions' that cause me suffering. It became difficult in _______ Anonymous to be open about these things as well as my mental health in a way that was helpful to me. I hold no grudge against anyone who is living a healthy life through a 12-step program or fellowship - my attitude is find what works and stick with it until it <i>doesn't</i> work. I know that some of my readers are long-time members of anonymous organizations, and I want to be truthful with you. And the reason that I went to that 12-step meeting yesterday was because the sober living house in which I'm currently living has a rule about 5 recovery meetings a week for the first 30 days of living here, and I am unable to go to 5 Recovery Dharma meetings per week. The meeting was good - it was on humility and the 7th step, and I met a new friend. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Whew. I feel better already.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Next: I have studied and I follow the teaching of the person called Jesus the Christ, but I am not a Christian. I'm not an anything. But I'm not a Christian because the term has become meaningless, especially in the past few years. Additionally, there are so many sects of Christianity, that if you're a good Christian in one sect, another sect is going to send you straight to hell. If I do go to church, it is in the New Thought (or Original Christianity) vein. I still use the Holy Bible for inspiration, especially the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament), such as the Psalms and Proverbs and some of the writings about the prophets. Does not being a Christian make me an atheist? No. Maybe. I don't believe one man is God, but I do believe God is in all humans (and everything else). God is Source, Love, that unseen, unknown force that keeps the Universe going, despite humans' best efforts to destroy it, or at least this little patch of it. I aspire to believe that you and I are connected, which is why nowadays I endeavor to do no harm.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I am apolitical. Many years ago, I stopped watching the news - it was the same old script with different names each night. Letting go of that activity improved my mental health immensely. A few years ago, I stopped paying any attention to politics, and, you know what? My life got better again! Now I don't have to let the opinions of others bother me, because I'm not on either side. Unlike Wisconsin, in the State of Arizona I am not allowed to vote unless I petition to get my rights restored (that whole 'convicted felon' thing). It doesn't seem worth the bother. My <i>opinion</i> is that the left wing and the right wing belong to the same bird, and it's not an eagle, it's a vulture. I don't need unnecessary drama in my life, and politics is unnecessary to my purpose, which is to serve others and ease suffering.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">That's the 4 big things that I wanted you to know about me in this moment. I still have this thing where I feel wrong or ashamed for doing/believing in what I do and what I believe in, <i>even though it doesn't harm anyone and isn't illegal.</i> Crazy, huh? And what that 'thing' is is that I think I need anyone's approval to do anything, and it would be a terrible thing to not get your approval. I'm working on that. Not getting your approval, but for standing up for what I believe and who I am in front of anybody and everybody. I think that is very liberating.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So there you have it. I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me - I no longer bear the responsibility of your reactions to me and what I write. I hope, if you are getting something from the things I share, that you continue to read what I write about my journey. If you don't, that's fine, too. You do you, and I'll do me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-68830641580878890112022-01-08T14:00:00.001-07:002022-01-09T11:20:10.505-07:00Grieving<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">***Trigger Warning: This post is about my responses to people dying. If death is a trigger for you, please skip this post; however, if it's just an uncomfortable topic for you, read on: </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Today I learned that the caretaker of the place where a lot of recovery meetings are held completed suicide. This past Monday, I learned that a friend and co-worker, who was in recovery, overdosed on opiates and passed away. About a month ago, another co-worker passed away due to Covid. Each of these deaths affects me differently. It is important for me, and I think for us, to accept that death is a part of life, and, like every part of life, it is good to have a healthy, non-harmful response.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I don't judge people for dying, nor for their cause of death. You see, there could be some judgment around the deaths of the 3 individuals mentioned above. My co-worker who died from Covid was maybe my age or better. I remember the conversation we had in which he shared that he thought the whole pandemic thing was a hoax. At that time he was not vaccinated, and I don't know if he ever did get vaccinated. That isn't my business - I'm not pro-sticking myself with vaccines either, but I have gotten flu and virus shots when given enough incentive. My co-worker who died from an opiate overdose - this was very sad to me, as he was a young guy and I considered him my friend. One could, and a lot of people do, judge his death as him getting what he deserved for using illicit drugs in the first place. Maybe. But I knew this person was trying to stay clean and sober. I also know that he was somebody's son, somebody's sibling, and somebody's boyfriend, and somebody's friend, somebody's employee. I knew that he was a good worker and a nice guy. I did not know him when he was in the depths of his addiction. The third person, who I believe completed suicide either Thursday or yesterday, was the caretaker of a building that housed recovery meetings. I knew him, but not very well. I knew he lived with a mental health disorder, but I did not know his diagnosis. Some people judge those who live with mental health disorders as weak-minded. I was judgmental toward people with mental health disorders for a long time until I fully accepted that I am living with a mental health disorder myself, which goes to show that just because one judges someone else on their mental health does not mean the one judging is mentally healthy. Just sayin...</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I went to my first funeral, that of my paternal grandfather, when I was 2 years old. I knew at a very early age that people and animals die. I think it's healthy to acknowledge this aspect of life, so that one isn't too incredibly overwhelmed when somebody they know passes. However, I began thinking about my own death around 8 years old, and that's not normal nor healthy. I remember one of my siblings telling me in the backseat of our family car, when I was lying in such a way that my nose was buried in the crack between the seats, that I could get carbon monoxide poisoning from that. I thought that sounded like a good idea. (This was back when cars were huge, and we probably had room for three more kids in the back seat). I think of death every day, probably, but not as much as I do when I'm symptomatic. I ride my bike every day, and I understand that just doing this increases the chances that I'll die today; however, I take precautions - I ride safely, wear a safety vest, and am well-lighted (not <i>well lit</i>, which wouldn't be good). </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So yes, death does enter my mind often, probably more than it does the average person, whoever that is. Each of the 3 aforementioned deaths reminded me how fortunate I am - that I haven't gotten Covid (yet), and that I am sober and fairly sane today. I do not believe that God or the Universe has our appointment with the grim reaper already set, although that might be a possibility. I choose not to think that way because if I did, I would begin living in a very self-destructive and dangerous way. I've noticed that as I get older, I respect my health and my life much more (when I'm sane and sober). Also, I live in a field where people are more likely to die unexpectedly (mental health and addiction). I've experienced much more death than the average person (whoever that is) has experienced. I cannot count on my fingers and toes the number of people who have died from disorders that I share. On most days, that makes me grateful to be alive; on some days, I want to give up. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The problem with death is that everybody reacts so differently to it. When we die, we affect the lives of our survivors. The recovery center caretaker's death is affecting hundreds of people, as is the death of my co-worker living with addiction. Some will use these deaths as an excuse to give up. Others will use these deaths as a reminder about how fortunate we are to still be living. Some will feel guilty - did I do enough for this person? Did I do anything wrong? When I came back from my relapse, I learned that a friend of mine had relapsed while I was 'out there.' Fortunately, they survived. I immediately thought, "I would kill myself if they had died," because I wasn't available to them to help prevent their relapse. This is, of course, a cognitive distortion; I am not responsible for anyone's behavior but my own; I did not pull the trigger. But the guilt feeling was there. I think that's learned, but I sure couldn't prove it.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">We don't know what happens when we die. We have our beliefs, which primarily serve to help us feel better about death, but our beliefs surrounding death are not provable. So I don't control what happens after I leave this earthly plane. However, I do have control over what I do while I'm here, and I'm learning to gain more control over my thoughts and actions. On a daily basis, I endeavor to do no harm, to others or myself. This means that when I pass from something that is not alcoholism or depression, those close to me will not feel as bad as if I had. In other words, addiction and mental illness affect not only the person living with them, but the people surrounding that person as well. There is something about self-destruction that really hurts those around us doing the destroying. In the midst of my disease, I did not know this. Today I do - that's one of the reasons I do what I need to do in order to stay sober and sane, even when I don't particularly feel like doing it. In fact, I've been increasing my connection with others in order to back up my mental health (which I will write about in an upcoming post).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I thought perhaps I lacked compassion or empathy, because I don't get as disturbed as some do when somebody dies. This isn't true; it's just that I was unsure of how to deal with the survivor's feelings. I've gotten some opportunities for experience in this area, and now I can be of support to a survivor. When grief hits us, we feel a multitude of feelings, and this is difficult to deal with, especially the guilt and anger. So when I listen to someone experience grief, I really listen, and I listen without judgment. Everybody experiences grief differently, according to their culture, their age, their experience with death, and their beliefs. There is no wrong way to experience grief. Grief is a natural process, and everybody will experience it. Everybody has experienced or will experience loss in this lifetime. We're not immune to it, even if we're best friends with God. Loss can really rock our foundation. So again, when I encounter someone who is grieving, I allow them to express what they are feeling and thinking - no holds barred! And my support consists of letting the survivor know they don't have to feel guilty, they're not bad or abnormal, and that a time will come where it doesn't hurt so much. I work with the survivor, not the party who has passed. As far as I know, the deceased might now be experiencing the time of their life (or death), but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that the bereaved doesn't suffer alone, and I will do what I can to accommodate that. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">In my upcoming piece on connecting with others, I'll write a little about the messiness that can occur when I deepen my connection with another soul. I recently set the intention to improve my conscious and emotional connection with others, and the shit really started hitting the fan. I realized that by insulating myself from true connection, I was trying to insulate myself from the pain and suffering that can happen from living in this physical plane; however, by doing so, I was also insulating myself from experiencing the joy that can happen from living in this physical plane. It will be a good piece of writing. At any rate, thank you for reading this, and allowing me to express some of my thoughts and feelings surrounding death and grief. I do hope for you that if you are experiencing grief you are able to share your experience with someone else. Each of us deserve some comfort and peace of mind, and sharing our lives with the right person or people can help facilitate this.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-18426484800269724092021-12-26T12:39:00.002-07:002021-12-26T12:39:15.235-07:00Nothing's Wrong<p> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">It has been awhile since I've posted. It's not that I don't have anything to 'write home' about - I have an abundance to write about - it's that I've been putting other things ahead of sitting down and writing. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Since my last post, I've been staying sober and (mostly) sane, working, and going to recovery meetings and outpatient treatment. My focus right now is developing self-compassion, as well as developing connections with others in recovery, something that I've shied away from. I think the two go hand-in-hand - the better I treat myself, the less fear and mistrust I harbor, and the more I want to try healthy things. It's healthy for a human to have a few people with whom they're close. And, as I'm finding out, it's essential in recovery from addiction and mental illness. I have found that I must have someone with whom I can share the craziness in my head. Low level craziness I can tolerate and work with, but when the shit hits the fan, I get too overwhelmed to clean up the mess myself.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So the whole self-compassion thing is that I could learn to treat myself with kindness, empathy, and respect - just like I treat others. But I don't. I've been told for a really long time that I need to not be so hard on myself, and, believe it or not, I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. But I still treat myself harshly. I haven't yet fully absorbed the concept that I can make mistakes and still be worthy and lovable. There are a lot of times when doing my best is still not good enough, and the very odd thing is that I have nobody outside of myself telling me that - it's all inner criticism. So that's some of the insanity I need to share with others whom I respect and trust. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I had an interesting experience this past weekend - our treatment program in which I'm currently enrolled began using a peer support specialist. That's what I am. Or was. Still am, I guess. Earlier this year I had wondered if I would ever let a peer support work with me, and I figured I wouldn't. Unfortunately, much of the time I think I'm smarter than everybody else in recovery and have more on the ball. So there's irony in the fact that I can get down on myself yet still think I'm better than others. I don't behave this way, fortunately, but I still think it, and it bothers me. Anyway, I was able to sit down with this peer support, and we talked openly for an hour. I was very open to his support. So I am able to accept support and friendship from someone. I think the arrogance and judgment of others I sometimes possess is a defense mechanism to keep people away. Cognitively, I do know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, and that I do make mistakes. But there are parts of me that don't want to accept my humanity. It's odd that when I think of stuff, it sounds right, but when I share what I'm really thinking with another, or write it down, I can see the errors in my logic.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I have a recovery mentor whom I've had since this summer. We've never met in person, but we've talked over the phone quite a bit as well as texted. He was suggested to me by another person who lives where my mentor lives, and the first time I talked with him I felt a real connection. I feel that connection each time I talk with him. It's been a really long time since I've experienced a connection like this, so I know it's special. As we talk, I get to know more about him, and he gets to know more about me. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I've practiced my recovery for the past several years under the theory that if I can just keep feeling good enough about myself, I won't feel the desire to change the way I feel with chemicals. So far, this theory has not held up, as is evidenced by the number of relapses I've experienced in recent years. What I'm trying to express is that I was hoping to avoid tanking mentally/emotionally like I do before I relapse, because when I get that low, it's been impossible for me to ask for help. I thought that I could avoid tanking, but know I don't think I can, no matter what I do. So that is why I'm developing connections and better self-compassion - so that when I tank mentally/emotionally, I can and hopefully will ask for help before I take self-destructive actions.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The title of this piece is Nothing's Wrong for a couple of reasons: first, since I hadn't posted in a while, I wanted to let my readers know I'm ok; and second, I wanted to talk about some of the emotional stress I'm experiencing lately from the perspective of "it's ok, so long as I don't give up." The piece took a bit of a different direction, but I'll keep the title. I appreciate your reading this far, and my intention is to keep sharing my experiences on the path.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-35872167920516102522021-10-22T00:48:00.010-07:002021-10-22T01:00:06.860-07:00Anatomy of a Relapse<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i>Trigger warning - suicide and death</i></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers during this time - I appreciate it, and it really does help. As far as this relapse goes, it wasn't nearly as major as some I've experienced, and I'm very grateful. I did, of course, create a big mess, but I'm not homeless (yet) and I'm still alive. I was suicidal (that's what starts every one) and began drinking. I was in the ICU twice - the second time for an overdose of my anti-depressant medication. Our local hospital doesn't like me much, I think - after the 2nd ICU, they sent me via ambulance to Oro Valley Hospital Behavioral Health Unit, which is near Tuscon. It's a 5 hour ride in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher, no stops. It's a very undignified way to travel, but, believe it or not, it's not the worst ride I ever had! I think my local hospital was hoping I'd stay down there. Nope! I'm back home, ready to continue recovery and do what I can to make amends and continue serving others.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i><b>I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to stay in recovery despite them. </b></i></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This relapse began right around the time I started my job as a peer support specialist in mid-July. What really happened was this - I began to focus most of my attention on my new job rather than my Higher Power and my practice. My mindfulness practice, which I had been doing consistently for several months, went to hell. I felt like I couldn't practice. I stopped focusing on recovery, and focused on trying to make things right (whatever right is) with my job.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So if you've been following my posts, you are aware of the troubles I've had with the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety and obtaining my 'fingerprint card' approval, which was necessary for me to keep my job. I couldn't do it. I gave up. I up and left my job. Abandoned it (and my clients). (I can still attempt to appeal my rejection, but right now I'm not up to it. Perhaps another time.)</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">But that's not all! In a misguided attempt to look good, I was falsifying my timecard. At work, we're supposed to spend 60% of our time (24 of 40 hours) in direct support of clients. I wasn't doing that - I always had overtime, used for entering progress notes. So what I was doing was adjusting my timecard to get the 'production' up to 60% while shaving the hours I worked each day. In other words, I was giving up pay to make it appear that I was doing 60% production in 40 hours a week. This behavior is a throwback - I've done it before in other situations in order to make it look like I was doing better than I really was. I would like to note here that I did not commit medicaid fraud - all my clients were billed for exactly the amount of time I spent with them. I just shaved my off hours.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This might not seem like that big of a deal - it didn't seem like it at the time. But it's dishonest. Honesty is part of the foundation of recovery, and dishonesty just tears it down. Also, my behavior was unfair to my fellow employees, as it subverted the process. The process is there for a reason - follow the process so that if there are problems, we can examine it and see what needs adjusting. My behavior was very unethical, and I knew it. Falsifying records, any records, is unethical. It gives a false image of what's really going on. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Again, if you've been reading my posts, you know that I was very pleased with how I conducted myself at work at the grocery store. I was honest and ethical. I never falsified anything, and I didn't steal, and I didn't 'adjust' hours. I worked with integrity, and I was proud of my behavior. Still am, for that instance. I did not realize that going back to old behavior was like stabbing my own self in the back. I didn't get caught by anybody - I didn't need to. I was punishing my own self. And the really insane thing is that I did not need to make myself look better - I was still in a probationary period, and not expected to hit the 60% production rate yet. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">In another situation, I was working with a client who was driving me crazy. I spent a lot of time with this client, and it was very difficult for me because I knew I was often not working in the scope of practice of a peer support specialist. I talked a bit about it with my supervisor, but I never really opened up about how my work with this client was bothering me. The problem, in my opinion, was that this client had what is called learned helplessness, and the staff who worked with this client (not just me) were enabling it. I never talked about that - I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to seem 'uppity' (I hope that's not a bad word. If it is, let me know, and I'll find another). I went along with it. Another ethical violation.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So the upshot of all of this is that I don't yet have the guts to practice my profession well. That's really sad, and I hated myself for it. I became very suicidal.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><span>My experience at Oro Valley Behavioral Health Unit was incredibly helpful and enlightening. Besides the fact of the undignified ambulance ride and being 5 hours away from home (you have to go through Phoenix to get there and Phoenix is Arizona's Chicago. Yuck), I got hope again. After a few days of contemplating how I was going to kill myself, I decided that all the help I was getting at Oro Valley was a sign that I needed to get back into recovery. So I re-committed myself to the practice. I began pondering my relapse, and, as my sanity returned, I saw how my behavior, my reaction to the things going on, was way out of proportion to the situation. I was focusing entirely on the mess at work, and forgetting that I need to look at the big picture. And the big picture is simply this - it's not the work itself that's important - I need to discover the areas in which this job can help me become more skillful in finding ways to develop my own coping skills and good habits and ways to help others. I stopped doing that and went back to old behavior, and I stabbed my soul. The problem, if you could call it that, with spiritual development is that the karma from going back to old behavior is way worse than when I was using only maladaptive coping mechanisms to get by in life. </span></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i>"For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of [Source and a better way] they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them." </i></span><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i>(2 Peter 2:20, 21 NKJV) </i><span>The language seems a little harsh to me, but, in my experience, it's the Truth! My challenge is that I know at least two ways of doing anything, and I'm not very skillful yet at making the best choice. So I'm still here because I still have a lot of room to grow. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">There were a lot of blessings and God moments at Oro Valley. I spoke with one of the chaplains one day, and as I listened, I realized he was from my area in Wisconsin. I asked him, and he said he grew up on the South Side of Milwaukee. Most everybody in Arizona are from somewhere else, and there are many from the north, so I often meet people from Wisconsin. Those are always God moments for me, for some reason.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I also met a couple of wonderful people who were patients too, and made some new friends. We really connected, and it's not often that I connect so well with someone and make a new friend. I am so, so grateful for this. It's like Source planted these people in my life to make me a richer person, or Source planted me in these folks' lives. I feel very blessed. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I am going to go back to my job at the grocery store for a while. I am grateful that it is available to me. Another miracle that will enrich me if I treat the experience skillfully, and I know I can.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Out of my window at Oro Valley I was able to view the Catalina Mountains. I love mountains. They represent strength, security, and stability for me. They go through their changes (fires and such), but they're still always there. This morning I got to view the sunrise over the mountains. It was really cool. It started looking just like a flashlight or head light, and it grew to it's full size and kept moving. It's an incredible experience for me to be able to see the sun move (actually the Earth rotating). For some reason, it puts things in perspective for me.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I was also able to re-start my mindfulness practice, which is a huge part of my recovery foundation. At Oro Valley, I became open and receptive again, and I was able to shift my focus back to my purpose - to become of maximum service to my Creator and the people with whom I come in contact. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I got home tonight and went to my recovery meeting. My Sangha welcomed me back, of course, with open arms. I have a group of people who love me and support me on my spiritual path. One beautiful person at the meeting had also relapsed - overdosed on opiates. I felt very guilty for not being available, as I was busy in my own relapse and unable to be of service to anybody. I felt like if I came back and found they had died, I would have killed myself, for not being available. I know that's not right thinking, but I also know that not being available to support others directly opposes my purpose and my practice, and can hurt me and others. I have to be there, in whatever way I can. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So I'm back home, and I may have to find a new place to live. I'm ok with that right now. I have a lot of amends to make - mostly to my roommate and my co-workers at my peer specialist job. And myself. My psychiatrist at Oro Valley is from Sri Lanka, so we connected well, too - he knows what I'm talking about. He told me that I have to learn the practice of self-compassion, that it needs to become a part of my recovery foundation. So I am learning that. 12 step programs often use the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi in the 11th step. It's a prayer for gaining compassion for others, and I re-wrote it to make it a prayer for gaining self compassion. I may have to write a whole post on the 11th step, St Francis, and his prayer. It really is quite powerful.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Hey, did I mention that I did not commit any crimes during this relapse? That's a big thing for which to be grateful. I am concerned, though - I came close to dying during this relapse, and I really want to avoid having to come so close to death in order to learn something. There are safer paths to enlightenment. My path really boggles my mind sometimes - I run with people who could be dead tomorrow. That seems harsh, but it's the truth. Knowing that does keep me on my toes. I really, really, really, want to ease the suffering of others. Mine too. When I hurt myself, others hurt too. Seems like kind of a dangerous life to me.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So there ya have it. I don't spend a lot of time in guilt, because guilt is useless unless it prevents one from doing something hurtful. I just jump in and continue with my recovery, knowing that there's a lesson in everything, even cleaning up my messes. It all has purpose. I do really want to learn how to avoid the whole death thing - I know there must be a way to learn and grow without backsliding. I have faith that I'll be able to do that, because I have a strong desire today to stay alive. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I love you all and wish for you the best of everything.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-6994840423146401902021-09-28T05:25:00.003-07:002021-09-28T05:25:31.684-07:00Rants and Blessings<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I just finished watching Aviator directed by Martin Scorcese (my God, how many films does that guy have in him?) starring Leonardo DiCaprio about Howard Hughes. Now this is the 2nd move I've watched about Howard Hughes, who, to put it briefly, was an iconic figure in the last century - he had it all - entrepreneur, aviator, film producer, bon vivant (a nice way of saying playboy), billionaire, and he suffered from several severe mental illnesses. But this post isn't about him. It's just an awesome movie about an awesome, but flawed man (like me!).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This post is, of course, about me! And boy, am I hacked! As very often is the case, it takes me a minute to figure out when I am upset or disturbed.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I recently went through a crisis. Without going through the whole crisis, because it really isn't important, I'm going to talk about what has really, really gotten my goat. And I will preface things by saying that I really don't get too mad too often, and, much more than the next fellow, I think, I can generally take life pretty much on life's terms. But this morning I discovered what was really grinding my gears.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I am pissed off in a most royal way that somebody, a State agency, thinks that they have the right or whatever, to try to recall stuff that I did over 30 years ago that I have worked diligently to put behind me. (By the way, unlike 2 or 3 people I know, in general, whatever the gov't (gubment, for those of you south of the M-D line) has exactly 0 to do with my breathing). So this is a little extraordinary for me. In fact, it's making me cry right now. And, more to the fact, I'm not going to buy into it. There is no way that I can do the task I am asked to do correctly - to recall 5 felonies from 1989 to 1998 (2 states), and several misdemeanors that I really can't recall right now, plus probably 3 dui's. (Which is interesting, because my 1st dui was in Lincoln Parish, LA, and when I got my last dui in Waukesha, WI, they called up Lincoln Parish, and Lincoln Parish no longer had a record of it (this was back in 1982, and I remember it vividly, but if I remember it better than than the governing body, I'd have to say WTF?) Lincoln Parish even had no recollection of my existence (I lived there two years), which causes my alcoholic mind to ponder the question, "Maybe it's time for a vacay in Lincoln Parish?" Nah</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I haven't even finished the book I'm supposed to be writing - WTF, should I write a fucking narrative on shit that most people have forgotten, only to have that narrative, and it's veracity, judged by people in a state in which I have never, never, ever, committed a crime?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">In 2002, I determined to live my life forward, not backward. And this doesn't mean that I don't forget what I've done, or why I did it - it simply means that I live my life today in today.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">2 things that aren't my MO today - 1) to commit new offenses and 2) to do shit that doesn't make a difference in my life or anyone else's. I really, really, am too old for that kind of shit. (Actually been too old for that shit for about 30 years now).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">And if you are reading this, you know by my language that I'm not a Pearly Saint, but if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I am an upstanding citizen trying to do the right thing and doing kind of ok nowadays. So fuck you Arizona Department of Public Safety, and fuck the horse you rode in on.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">By the way, I love living in Arizona - it means I don't have to be a Packer fan, and I can live my life the way I darn well please. I think a person lives this way in Texas and several other states. See, my only political way of being is very old - <i>Live Free or Die</i>. Lot's of folks here live just that way. Even if they still follow the Green Bay Packers!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Now, I could see doing the footwork of Appealing my Arizona Fingerprint Card - if I were applying for the Arizona State Bar (or California or Nevada, perhaps), but I'm not! I'm applying for a job that is a little more important than Burger King. The problem is, now that I've been denied my fingerprint card application, I have to put down that I've been denied in any other state in which I want to apply, including Wisconsin, in which I've already been approved (3 times. With (almost) the same fucking record for which I'm already being denied).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">All for shit that I've ostensibly <i><u>avoided</u> </i>doing for over 20 years. And, by the way, avoided doing it for the past 2 months while I have had access to every.single.fucking.vehicle that my employer owned.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">By the way, I have a sibling that has had DOD clearance (probably Top Secret) since 1984. That's big shit! But he worked on Big Shit, and you can bet that it wasn't minimum wage! Whole different game, and I'm going to bet that when one starts with responsibility, they have a tendency to keep it. Like now when I feel I have a sense of responsibility, I want to keep it. For instance, I have an AZ drivers licence (not even in the same class as a DOD clearance), but today I have no desire to do anything to give it up (no matter what fuctard state agency issued it).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ok, all done with the rant, and on with the blessings:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I can still work at Safeway, and it's not just that I can have my job back, <i>they want me back</i>. And my friend Joyce (who has had a lot of experience with addicts) came to my rescue when I had my crisis. And she lives in Chino Valley now, not Prescott! That she came and helped me out brings tears to my eyes right now! She is truly a Godly woman, and I am more blessed than any rant I can manufacture to have her and others in my life today! And I've done nothing to deserve it other than to show up.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">My other friends in recovery continue to support me no matter what my vocation. It doesn't matter to them.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I might live through this.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I think I might have another vocation besides the one I was thinking of.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>I can still sit knee-to-knee with a person who is desiring recovery from substance use disorder or mental health disorder and share my experience, strength, and hope to support them in their recovery.</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><b>When</b> I practice it, I recognize that God's blessings <u>always</u> flow (not always in the direction or way I'd like),</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">There is always a fucking lesson to be learned.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I am a Free Spirit, and in the end, my citizenship is with Spirit (Gal 5:18).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I always have something to write about. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So there ya have it (that's a Youper saying).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Basically, I always have blessings to share, and there's not a fuctard state agency in the world (or at least these United States) that's going to keep me from sharing what I've been given. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-531384532713014542021-08-19T23:11:00.004-07:002021-08-19T23:13:52.739-07:00Living by Faith - Another Example<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i>This post was begun July 13th, 2021. I will finish and publish it when the deal is done.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><i>NB: The deal isn't done yet, but I wanted to write and publish what happened today, 8/19/21. Read on...</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">For my current job, I went through a background check. My job is in human services, and I work with a vulnerable population, so my employer and the Arizona Department of Public Safety want to ensure that nobody who has a history of preying on vulnerable people in their care or similar crimes and activities gets hired in positions of trust. Wisconsin has a similar background check, and I passed it - 3 times (twice for jobs and once for a volunteer position at a hospital). My HR person called me last week and said everything was fine except one item that was flagged, and that I might not pass Arizona's fingerprint check.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The Arizona Dept. of Public Safety has all people in positions like mine submit their fingerprints for a background check. This is the main reason I got that mess in Las Vegas cleaned up - so an open warrant wouldn't show up when Arizona did their fingerprint check.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">My HR person told me the crime that was flagged was my very first felony from back in 1992 - a bad check charge. I had written a couple checks that I got from my credit card companies at the time to get damage to my car repaired - damage from a single car accident that happened while I was drinking (I lost control and went in a ditch on a snowy evening). The credit card companies did not honor the checks, so the business that did the repairs turned me in for writing bad checks. They totaled about $1500, if I remember correctly. <i>If I had paid the $1500 within 90 days of my first court appearance, it would not be a felony - it would turn into a misdemeanor. </i>I emphasize that part because, looking back, that was a really dumb thing I did - not taking responsibility for my actions. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and I am looking at it from my perspective today - today it wouldn't be that big of a deal; however, if you've read other posts in this blog, you'll know that learning to be a responsible adult is something that I didn't take up until much later in life.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So my HR rep preemptively sent me an appeal form in case my fingerprint card was denied, and told me I'd have 60 days to appeal and get approved - if I couldn't, or didn't, then my employment would be terminated. The appeal is basically digging up everything I've ever done criminally, explaining what happened, what the punishment was, why I did it, what's different now, plus getting two letters of reference. I was going to take my HR rep's suggestion and get started on my appeal right away, and then I said (only to myself), "No. I'm going to do this a different way and wait until I need to file an appeal to do so." There is a process I can begin implementing right now that will insure a right outcome (whatever that is) while allowing me to keep my sanity, and that process is faith.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Very often, a person newly in recovery (like I am - I'm always newly in recovery!) will encounter a glitch or an obstacle, and it will throw them for a loop. It might only be a molehill, but to that person it can seem like a mountain. I've still got that person inside of me, but he's mostly dormant nowadays. It's the person that automatically says, "Screw this, I'm out!" and gives up. Usually when this unwanted person within begins to stir, I whack him over the head with the mallet of reason, and he goes back to sleep until next time.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This is going to take more than reason, but reason is where I'm starting. First off, my supervisor, who hired me, really wants me to work for my company. Second, my HR rep has given no indication that the company itself doesn't want me - they do want me, but they have to follow the rules. Third, I remind myself that having to go through the appeal process, at this point, is only a possibility (meaning it's not wise to act on something that hasn't happened yet). Those are my reasons for not blowing a gasket and giving up before the game has even begun. So the word here is wait and see.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The next part of the process involves a little reason and a little faith. It's about understanding, from years of experience, how my mind is used to working, and endeavoring to steer it in a different direction. I have the tools to do this! What it is is setting aside doubt and arguments and drama and looking at this whole thing objectively. The first question my mind came up with was, "Why did this relatively minor (to me) felony get flagged, and the other four did not?" Answer: "It doesn't matter." Knowing the answer won't change anything. "I want to see the background check that my HR rep is looking at." There's no need to do so, and, more importantly, trying to dig up all the facts surrounding this thing at this point <i>only adds drama (fuel) to the fire. </i>This is where I begin to use some faith. Faith says to me, "Trust in the Lord (my Creator) with all my heart; acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He <u>will</u> direct my path. (Prov. 3:5-6). That's what we're asked to do in any spiritual recovery program - turn it over, let it go, fuggeddabowdit. In other words, <u>don't</u> <u>worry</u> - God's got this. And this is an important part to protect my mental health and avoid relapse - to understand that my hashing it out, either in my head or with others, will not change a thing and will only damage my serenity. I have not spoken of this with anyone besides my HR rep because repeating the story and getting everyone's opinion only adds negative energy to the situation. It doesn't matter that all of my felonies occurred ages ago; it doesn't matter that another state approved me (3 times!) to work in human services; none of the "unfair!" arguments my little mind can generate have any effect on what may be, and can only serve to increase my doubt and fear, which is detrimental to forward progress in my recovery, which is <u>the only thing that matters</u>. Yep, that's right - it doesn't matter if I keep the job or not; it doesn't matter if Arizona kicks me out; the absolute only thing that matters today is that I take actions that will keep me in recovery.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Fortunately, I don't have to do this perfectly - I didn't do something that I could have done, which was talk to a spiritual advisor (practitioner or chaplain) at my church about it. Even though I'm a member, and even though I've been going there in person now for a month or two, I don't feel comfortable enough yet bringing it up with someone, even though they'll treat it in a way that is positive and good for my recovery. Yes, I still have trust issues, and yes, I know I'll get another opportunity to work on them. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The method we use at our Spiritual Center is called affirmative prayer, and these are the elements: </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Recognition (God is all there is)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Unification (I am one with God)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Realization (speaking my desired good)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Thanksgiving (gratitude)</span></li><li><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Release (let go and let God)</span></li></ul><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So my prayer is this: I acknowledge One Presence, One Power, in my life and in the Universe, and I call that Power God, Love, Source, Life. I know in Truth that I can never be separate from this power; that I live, breathe, move, and have my being in God, and I trust in God in me. I am always loved, supported, and led to my Highest Good by the Divine within, and anything else is an illusion. I know that today, right here and right now, I am in exactly the right spot to take the next step on the path to my Highest Good. I know that I am firm in my employment as a Peer Support Specialist, and I know that the Arizona Department of Public Safety will approve the work that I am doing. I am grateful that I am employed in a way to assist others in stepping firmly on the path of recovery, and I am grateful that the State of Arizona allows me to continue practicing my profession unimpeded. I speak my word into the Universe knowing that as it is said, it is already done, and I give thanks. And so it is.</span><br /></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Faith is not (at least for me) a one-shot deal like a vaccine - "Here, take a shot of faith, and fear and doubt will never touch you again." This has not been my experience. But what I do know is if I come from a hopeless state of mind and body, and begin to cultivate, on a daily basis, the beliefs that my life is worth living and that the Universe loves and supports me, that my faith will grow. And it has, and it does. Doubt comes up, and I can nip it in the bud knowing that whatever I'm doubting is already taken care of. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I think I'll leave it at that for now, and come back when the situation is resolved. The reason I don't post this now is I don't want anyone else's possible negative energy delaying my good - having a debate or creating a story around this issue is unnecessary, and I work at releasing and not accumulating unnecessary stuff in my life.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">August 19th, 2021</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Well, I got news today via email at the end of the day that the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety denied my fingerprint card, meaning that if I do not successfully appeal the decision within 60 days I will be terminated and will not be able to practice my profession in Arizona. I read the email and I felt deflated. I cried. I felt very, very sad. Sad that I might not be able to do something that I am exceptional at, and something that I love doing. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful I could feel what I was feeling. I felt sad, but I was also a little afraid. But I also felt determination. Most importantly, I do not feel like giving up! I will file my appeal, and even if it is not successful, I will not give up! Giving up is throwing away every gift and miracle I've received and experienced over the past year. Giving up is stopping the wonderful process of healing that is going on right now. Giving up is going back to the misery that I used to live, breathe, and have my being in. Today, I live, breathe, and have my being in God, Source, and I will not allow that to change. I have experienced peace and joy about life and a consciousness that I previously had only hoped existed. No matter what, I will not go back!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So what about faith? Did I not receive what I prayed for? God might be a lawyer, because I re-read my prayer. I didn't specify when or how the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) would approve me to work in human services. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">But here's the thing - for the last four and-a-half hours, before I re-read that prayer, I did not lose faith. I was saddened, yes, but I went about my business. I took a client to a recovery meeting, as I had scheduled. I assisted a little in running the meeting, and when I shared, I shared today's experience. I shared my sadness, but I also shared my gratitude that I could feel what I was feeling. I shared my gratitude that I have no desire to quit, to get off my path and go back to the misery and suffering in which I used to live. I shared my gratitude that I have support and people with whom I share every bit of my recovery. There is so much to be grateful for in this situation! I am grateful for an expanding consciousness that knows there is so much more out there (or in me, too) than just what I see in front of me. I see an arduous task that I really don't want to do (writing a history, explaining myself, and explaining my rehabilitation. I think my actions today and over the past year speak for themselves, but perhaps not). </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I have not been denied by God. The Universe does not say no, it says Yes. However, being relatively new at getting in and staying in alignment with my Higher Power, there may have been some conflicting thoughts and desires within me. In fact, I know there are. Sometimes I still doubt where I am at and what I can do. Sometimes I still doubt my effectiveness. Not for long, and not much, but it's there sometimes.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">But I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong. If I can't see it, the best thing to do is move forward with the knowledge and skills that I have. Today I know the difference between skillful action and unskillful action. Skillful action is simply doing the next right thing, the next indicated step, without harming myself or others. That's it. So I do my homework, file the appeal, and leave it in the hands of Source (and the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety, bless their hearts!).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I almost forgot - I mentioned above about not doing the appeal homework until I had to. This, to me, is an element of faith. I've already said my prayer, and I don't need to think about this until I need to think about it. I've thought about it very little over the past month. <b>I did not worry!</b> (About that, anyway). When the thought of this situation crossed my mind, I let it keep on going. And it's a good thing I did. This past month, the majority of my attention has been on learning my new job. It has been an intense experience, and I've experienced a lot of anxiety over some elements of my new job. If I had added worry about the fingerprint card approval, I might have overwhelmed myself. I got close to being overwhelmed with what I was already doing a couple of times. So my focus was on doing my job, not keeping my job. That's a lot of what faith is - leaving a situation or issue in the hands of the Universe, and doing what is immediately in front of me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">But what about the outcome? What about it? It's not over yet. And even if my appeal is denied, I will still know the Universe has my back. Source supports me and guides me. I'm going to quote Proverbs 3:5-6 again, because I used it earlier this week in a worrisome situation, and it worked: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding (because it's limited). Acknowledge Him in all your ways (God is with me now and always, loving and supporting me) and He will guide your path. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I think it was Jack Canfield, one of the creators of Chicken Soup for the Soul, who said one can drive across the country at night and get to their destination even though they can only see 200 feet in front of them. We really only see a very small part of what's really out there. I do not currently have access to all the knowledge and wisdom of the Universe. All I really know is that if I stay on this path, it's going to be alright. No, that's wrong - <u>it is already alright. Just as it is.</u> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Another thing I thought about. I mentioned above how intense this past month has been for me. If I were not to keep this job, I still have the experience of working there - of being of service to my clients. It's like going on vacation somewhere - I don't stay on vacation forever, but just because I have to leave, it doesn't mean that I can't keep the experience. I may not be where I was anymore, but I still have that experience.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The wonderful thing about meditation, which I've been practicing consistently for the past 3 months, is that it gives me a great sense of calm about what is. What is doesn't bother me any more because it simply is what is. What is is going to change. Nothing is permanent. I can experience what is without wanting to run from it or change it because I know that somewhere down the road, what is is going to be what was. This is the nature of consciousness. I don't have to worry about what is or what was, because I really don't (and can't) control it. It is just there to experience it. If I try to hang onto what is as it becomes what was, I will turn into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26). When I deal with life exactly as it is in this moment, I experience peace, serenity, equanimity. If I try to deal with life as it 'used to be' or 'should be', I experience unrest and discontent. Suffering. If I'm so focused on how it used to be, I'm not in this very moment and not experiencing life as it truly is. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">If you do not understand the above paragraphs, if it sounds like gibberish to you, that is perfectly ok. You may yet experience what it's like to truly live in this moment. It really is heaven. And meditation allows me to experience that - each day I get little bits of it, and it strengthens my faith. No matter what life looks like now, it really is ok. This too, shall pass, and it doesn't matter what it is - it's going to pass. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Well, I really covered a lot in this post. The point is, for me, anyway, that faith is really about getting to know that everything really is alright, no matter what. It's about knowing that on this path there probably will be uncertainty, doubt, fear, discomfort, maybe even some pain and suffering; but there is also joy and growth, healing, love, peace, serenity, and fulfillment. It seems that everything is equally available to me, and I can live in whatever state of consciousness that I choose. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">No matter where I've been or what I've done, I endeavor to show up today as a positive influence on the people with whom I come into contact. I endeavor to be of service in the best way I can, and I excel at what I do. I really think that speaks for itself. And it really doesn't matter if the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) approves or disapproves; I'll keep doing what I'm doing wherever I'm led to do it.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Never, never, never give up. ~<i> Winston Churchill</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p><br /><p></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-75410573762465128862021-07-17T20:41:00.005-07:002021-07-17T20:58:22.369-07:00It's An Inside Job<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Today I celebrated 1 full year of abstention from alcohol and other mood-altering substances. I am very grateful that I no longer have the compulsion to escape my experience through drugs and alcohol. A lot of really neat things have happened this year, as often happens to addicts and alcoholics when we put down the substance and begin working a program of recovery. I've chronicled these events over the past year in this blog, but the biggest thing that has happened this year is that I have been relieved of </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">the habit of sabotaging my recovery, </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">the symptoms of major depressive disorder, and have experienced more emotional healing than ever before. This past year has been the best year of my life so far.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">As you might know, this isn't my first rodeo. I've been trying to recover, with various levels of effort, for 38 years. I've experienced many periods of sobriety, ranging from several months to a little more than 3 years. About 7 years ago, I began addressing my mental health disorder, major depressive disorder, in earnest. I've experienced this mood disorder for most of my life, and it was around before I started drinking. For a lot of reasons, I was in denial that I have a mood disorder, and this denial greatly diminished my chances of recovery - from anything. When I began to accept it and really <i>start </i>addressing it, I was able to attain 3 years of sobriety. Then the journey to relapse began again, and I began drinking again, with all the attendant problems of relationship damage, job loss, homelessness, and legal issues. I sought treatment yet again, and found out that I also have to learn to deal <i>effectively</i> with trauma. (Everybody who experiences trauma deals with it, one way or another - it's just that what I could come up with on my own did not work very well). So for the 6 months or so before my last relapse, I began to work on that as well. I didn't realize that I had begun making progress until after the last relapse, when I was able to stop suicidal ideation and the desire to die. I began to have enough ambition toward healing that I was able to begin to <i>consistently </i>apply to my life the tools I've been learning over the past 4 decades.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So here's the deal: I have a problem with sobriety 'birthdays'. I know that it's important to note milestones in recovery, but I think - well, I know, in my case - that the quantity (time) of sobriety does not necessarily have very much to do at all with the quality of sobriety. Yes, if I've been sober a year, I must be doing something right, but the same is true if I've been sober a day. Just putting the plug in the jug, as they used to say, does not reverse the psychological and emotional damage my addiction and my mental illness have done to me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">By the way, I didn't stay sober a year. I stayed sober each day that I woke up and desired another day of healing and recovery. So far, that's been the past 365 days.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">There is a lot of outer evidence that my addiction is arrested: first of all, I haven't been (arrested)! But I've also managed to maintain good steady employment, I'm homeful again (as opposed to homeless), I have a valid driver's license again, and I haven't been broke in at least 9 months. Like time in sobriety, however, these things don't necessarily attest to what is going inside of me, and that's where I <i>really </i>live. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I heard something a number of years ago that was a revelation to me - that when everybody in my life (family, employer, probation officer, counselor, doctor, banker, friends) said I had a problem with my drinking, they didn't know that drinking was not my problem - drinking was my <i>solution</i>. I won't begin to accept sobriety until I accept that my solution no longer works, and surrender to the fact that because of the damage my disease has done to me, I'm unable to come up with a better solution. I must have help on the <i>journey </i>of recovery.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">And therein lies the problem of addiction recovery - eventually, hopefully more sooner than later, I have to take responsibility for my own recovery. Because I've stopped drinking, and because I've got people in my life encouraging me and supporting me in my recovery, my life gets better - alcoholics and addicts get their job back, their woman back, their truck back, their probation officer tells them they're doing great and puts them on the lowest level of supervision, their mama's stopped worrying, and on and on and on. They get congratulated on a year's sobriety. That's awesome! But if the alcoholic/addict in recovery is not aware, and has not assumed responsibility for their own recovery, relapse will happen. It's not the stuff on the outside that made us use; it's the stuff on the inside. And nobody but the person in recovery knows what's going on on their insides. A human being's subconscious, addict or not, drives 90% of the human's behavior, until they become aware or conscious. This is perfectly fine, unless there's stuff in the subconscious that is counterproductive to living a decent life and, again, because of the wounds we've inflicted upon ourselves through our addiction, there is inner stuff that needs to be healed in order to stay out of active addiction. And nobody, not even your closest girlfriend, can tell you what's going on in your subconscious. That's something each individual has to find out for themselves, through whatever means are available.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">This is why I mentioned earlier that the biggest miracle in my life has not been that I've been able to abstain for a year, but that I have stopped experiencing the symptoms of major depressive disorder. My recovery from depression fuels my sobriety, because when I don't hate myself, when I don't think I'm a piece of shit, when I don't want to die - in other words, when I like myself enough - I have no desire to drink, and I know how to stay away from drinking. I do understand that, as an alcoholic in recovery, I will need to work a program of recovery for the rest of my life in order to stay sober. I've been around long enough to see what happens to people who stop working their program, no matter how much 'time' they have in. But, by the same token, if I want to stay in recovery from alcoholism, I also need to learn what I need to do to stay in recovery from depression, and that's what I've been doing this past year. And, for me, recovery from depression involves a whole lot more than "taking my medication." That's what makes my psychiatrist happy when I talk to her every 3 months, but it's not what necessarily makes me happy.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">In conclusion, dear friends, it's nice to enjoy the outer rewards of recovery, and to be recognized as being in recovery. Recovery wouldn't look too attractive if there weren't some hope that someone or Something could pull us out of the gutter. I know how to put the pieces back together and how to get approval from others, but this year I've been learning something I never learned before in this lifetime - how to approve of and respect myself, and how to like myself and love myself and love life. That's something nobody else can give me, no matter what I do or how hard I try. It can only come from inside.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-47292368516343355472021-07-13T20:32:00.002-07:002021-07-13T20:32:56.301-07:00Happy New Year!<p> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">My new year is on my birthday, which is today! Today I begin my 60th journey around the sun, and I am incredibly grateful to be on this journey. I think this is my best birthday ever (except I forgot to go to Denny's for a free meal. I was going to go, but I got busy doing other stuff, already ate, and I'm trying to lose weight anyway). </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Looking back on this past year, it doesn't look like it's been hard at all - it looks like success after success after success - but I know that there have been a lot of difficult moments. Shortly before my last relapse, which was a couple of days after my birthday last year, I was doing EMDR with my counselor. EMDR is a way of reframing traumatic memories, and I believe, despite the relapse, that it got me up to a certain level with which I could work. And on my birthday last year, I had a session with a practitioner (chaplain) of my church, and basically prayed that I know deep down that I'm a child of God. I've spoken much of my (and our) oneness with Spirit and the Universe, but I've never felt it inside. This past year I began to feel it. I began to realize my Oneness, that I have a place in this Universe, that I am loved, I am valuable and worthy, and I belong. These are the greatest gifts I've received this year, and out of these gifts springs gratitude and a joy for living that makes everything else possible.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Do you know how a dog sniffs the ground? Sometimes they're so into it that it's like they're obsessed! Or watch a dog riding down the road with the window down, joyfully getting blasted in the face with all the smells that are out there. That's how I feel about beginning to become conscious this year. As you probably know, I've been done with life many times in the past. It held no magic for me, no mystery, and was often just a daily dose of "let's see how I can make it through this day." And sometimes I didn't. I'm grateful for those who were there to help when I couldn't make it, and I'm grateful to have made it to this place where life seems wonderful and something I want to keep exploring. Life and consciousness are so much more than I ever thought they could be. It feels like I've touched the Infinite, and I want to keep going. It really is a miracle!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">So my desires for this next year are to continue letting go of that which no longer serves me, to continue to increase my engagement with life, and to expand my effectiveness as I continue to learn how I can best serve others. I've received so much in this lifetime, it's time to give back! </span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Thank you for being a part of my life, and I wish you all the joy that you can accept!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p><p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8197150416994699808.post-5545174593912919622021-06-29T20:09:00.002-07:002021-06-29T20:12:59.655-07:00Transitions Part III - Exorcising Doubts<p style="text-align: left;"> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Yep, the title is correct - I can either exercise or exorcise my doubts. That's pretty much the gist of the whole post, so if you're busy with something else, move on. If not, read on:</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Doubt can be a useful thought and or feeling in certain situations, such as when reading that e-mail from a Nigerian prince, when purchasing a used car, or when wondering if you can actually make it thru the intersection in time. So doubt isn't always a bad thing. On the other hand, doubt can be damaging when entertained for very long when it is about the reality of good things happening in my life, or whether or not my Higher Power really does love and support me and have my best interests at heart, or when doubting my own ability to live happily and successfully. Doubt can be damaging in two ways: first, if I've set events in motion to better myself or my situation, sustained doubt about what I've done or what's going to happen really only serve to cause anxiety, which is unhealthy mentally and physically. My entertaining doubt may or may not affect the situation or its outcome, but it will still detract from my enjoyment of life, and may even cause relapse (through the desire to extinguish the anxiety and possibly depression the doubt has caused). Some of my past relapses have been caused by my doubtfulness about my own ability to work a program of recovery. Second, doubting the good that may be coming my way can actually cause me to sabotage it in some way. My doubt may cause me to incessantly check up on the progress of something I've set in motion, like getting a new job, to the point where the prospective employer says, "I'm not hiring this insecure person!" Or if I'm in a new friendship or relationship, and I allow my doubts about that friendship to cause me to, again, incessantly check to see if we're still or really friends, that person with whom I'm hoping to be friends might just say, "I've already got enough crazy in my life - I don't need this guy!" Excessive clinginess and insecurity in a person chases healthy people away. (On the other hand, if red flags turn up, like dishonesty or violence, doubts about the sustainability of a relationship a probably valid). At the very least, doubt can cause me to delay or overlook blessings in my life; at its worst, doubt is deadly. So it behooves me in recovery to learn how to effectively deal with doubtful thoughts.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The first example I'm going to give I wrote about in my recent post titled <i><a href="https://fullyhuman-fullydivine.blogspot.com/2021/03/faith-simple-yet-effective-example.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Faith - A Simple Yet Effective Example</a>. </i>In that post, I described putting my faith in, of all people, an attorney to take care of an old misdemeanor case from 12 years ago. The attorney had sent me our agreement or contract to read and sign, and I got the distinct impression that the bulk of the contract said that any type of interference in my case on my part might jeopardize my case and/or cause my attorney to have to charge me more. My interpretation was that my attorney was saying, "Sit down, shut up, and trust that I know what I'm doing and acting in your best interests." So, while I did have my doubts, I did just that. I allowed the attorney to do his job without my interference or even checking up on things. Things were moving along and I had a court date set for June 14th. So, after at least of month of not hearing anything, on Monday, June 7th, a week before my next court date, I threw caution to the wind and sent him an email and asked for an update. I received an immediate response - it was an automated response saying that he would be out of the office and unavailable until 8am June 14th. Well, shit! I had a lot of doubt after receiving that automated response. Fortunately, I was able to think it through pretty quickly (like maybe an hour). First, it's really pointless to worry - the outcome of this has always been out of my hands. But the idea that I went with that was salve to my addled brain was that he had already struck a deal with the DA and had simply failed to inform me. Because my attorney is part of a law firm, and not just one random attorney, I really didn't have any worries about him absconding with my fee or anything like that. So I was able to set it aside for a week. <i>Then</i>, I get a call Sunday night from my attorney. It went to voicemail because I was at work. I didn't keep the voicemail, but in it he said something about getting with the DA in the morning. I realized that my conclusion, which had kept me calm for a week, was, in fact, erroneous. He did not have it all wrapped up. Still, I rested easily Sunday night because the outcome was still out of my hands either way. There was nothing I could do about it Sunday night - not even calling his boss. So Monday morning rolls around, and I've got off from work because this is my court day, and I'm getting my Chromebook ready to go to trial (one of the good things to come out of the pandemic is the ability to appear for hearings without actually having to go to Las Vegas. In fact, I think that was my only expectation for this whole thing - I sorely did not want to have to go to Las Vegas). So along about 9 a.m. I received a call from my attorney - the DA had decided not to pursue the case - my case was dismissed! I thanked him and went on my merry way. My hope had been that the DA would have dropped the charge from misdemeanor battery to disorderly conduct and given me a small fine. I'm grateful I received a much better deal! So in this example, I dealt with my doubts through prayer (I had prayed and turned it over to my Higher Power, and I've been taught that if I turn something over, I don't want to continually re-pray - that's part of learning Trust), and when doubt did appear, I simply reminded myself that it's out of my hands. All I have to do is see what happens. And that's why I call this a <i>simple</i> example of faith, and releasing doubt, because, in this case, the consequences weren't really very high.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">The second example of avoiding doubt is with my new job. Have I written about that yet? Anyway, I applied for a Peer Support Specialist position at West Yavapai Guidance Clinic, and I was offered a position . I let my store director know right away my last day would be July 10th, as I'd be starting my new position July 12th. What I can say about this experience is that there has been a whole lot less doubt than there would have been in the past. There's just something about really having faith that I'm on a good path that doesn't leave a lot of room for doubt. So my acknowledging the good things that are going on in my life and my faith practices over the past 11 months have helped build a lot of self-confidence. I certainly have no doubt that I have what it takes to do the job, and I have no doubt that I will be a good and respected employee. But thoughts of doubt still creep in - will they accept my background check? There might be different standards here than in Wisconsin, where I previously worked in peer support (though I kind of doubt that, seeing what I've seen in Arizona). One thing that I do have a concern about is physical exercise. Physical exercise is a big part of my recovery, but currently, I get a good portion of it from work, where I am very active and have to lift stuff all the time. My new job will be sedentary. I have concerns about whether or not I'll be able to get motivated enough to have my own fitness practice. As a sidenote, a concern is a little different than a doubt - a concern is a foreseeable situation that's asking for a solution. A doubt is more of a thought of, "I can't do this." I can do this, but it's a lifestyle change, and that's challenging. I've already started by including a morning walk around the block in my routine (my block is 1.25 miles (about 2km) long), so that's a good start. I don't know what my new hours will be, but I'm pretty certain my schedule will be more stable than it is in grocery. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Part of my concern about the exercise regime is that in the past I have been unable to consistently perform good self-care habits, other than abstinence from alcohol and going to recovery meetings. However, lately, I've been able to do something for 65 days in a row that is beneficial for me - I've been able to practice mindful meditation every morning. I have an app on my phone that is called "Waking Up" by Sam Harris, and it's been helping me immensely. I had to pay for it after the initial introduction, and it has been well worth it. I'm not going to delve too deeply into it here, but one of the fundamental things I've learned has really helped in the doubt area. In mindful meditation we learn to become highly aware of our thinking. I've learned, for instance that thoughts are really just little bits of energy that have no meaning or power until I give them meaning or power. I've also learned that I, like many others, tend to grab a thought and create a story out of it. Most of the time, the story isn't that happy and includes a lot of drama. But I've learned, for the most part, to let thoughts of doubt appear and leave. And I can do this with other thoughts as well. Mindful meditation breaks thoughts down to their most basic - I'm learning that any meaning and/or judgement I put on a thought can only come when I hang onto that thought for any length of time. So if a thought of doubt comes, I can often acknowledge it and let it go right away, and turn my attention to something else - maybe the next thought. In this way I don't have to wrangle with doubt, or take it to court, or evaluate its validity. Now let me say here that I've not yet experienced such success with all thoughts. For instance, I still wrestle with thoughts of perfectionism at my current job (although that's getting better because I have an end date). But I have great hope that if I continue this practice I will gain better control not over the thoughts, but over my choice in whether or not to entertain certain thoughts that pass through. Certainly if a great idea passes through, I might want to hang onto it and ponder it. But, for the most part, the millions of thoughts coming through actually cloud my experience of the present moment, which is life and all I've really got. I don't want to waste my opportunity to experience life on fruitless thinking.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">I can look at my doubts and consider them to be nothing more than objects in my experience. They have no real power nor any real validity. They are just thoughts. They're just thoughts until I hang onto them, and then they become something else. If I hang onto them, they can become prophecy - "This is a nice (relationship, job, opportunity, day - fill in the blank), I'm probably going to screw it up." Yep, good chance of that now! If I let them go, they become like dust in the wind - unrecognizable from other specks of dust in the wind. In fact, I will likely not even remember that a doubt came across my screen. So the title of this piece is really misleading - I'm not performing any religious ritual to cast out doubt; I'm simply working at becoming mindful so I can practice allowing those thoughts that I don't want to entertain to pass on by. All I know is doubt and worry over any situation will not change it for the better, or influence its outcome in any positive way; it can only harm me, and I am choosing ways today to do no harm to myself (or anyone else) while I live this life.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Namasté,</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: large;">Ken</span></p>Ken Weidmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10892845703962812486noreply@blogger.com0