Last week, I had an appointment with my primary care provider. During the appointment, we discussed several things that are going on with me physically, and she wrote up orders for tests. Two of the tests were a blood test and a UA, so I set up an appointment with a lab near my work to submit my samples. I had been needing to go to my provider for a while, as I've been experiencing stomach 'attacks' over the past 4 months. What was on my mind was (is) what might be going on, and there are several possibilities swirling through my head. This in itself was (is) causing me some anxiety/fear, although it wasn't really at the conscious level. It was my intellect doing all of the processing, and fear and anxiety were running subroutines in the background.
So I make my appointment at the lab. Since the blood test required a 12 hour fast, I would have preferred an early morning appointment, but the best I could get was 11:30am, which gave me ample time to get the testing done, get something to eat, and show up at work. As I arrived for the test, I had those two things going against me - some underlying fear, and it having been about 16 hours since I last ate something.
I signed in to the testing center, and provided a urine sample. The receptionist took my insurance card, and informed me that their lab does not take my insurance. This is where the outrage began, and my thinking was, "This is stupid!" You see, even though a month or so ago I gave away all of my pet peeves, I guess I forgot one - insurance, and our country's (lack of) health care system. Let the inner rant begin! The initial reason the outrage started is because I get my insurance ultimately through the state, and there are two different companies who administer the state insurance. My company was the wrong one for this lab. Stupid! It's still the same money! And I vented my frustration at the receptionist, which was totally unskillful. I also apologized to her right away - I know what it's like when a customer gets mad at me for something completely beyond my control. The receptionist gave me another lab to go to, along with my urine sample. Fortunately, the lab was close by, and if I got in quickly, I could still make it to work. (One of the things I have to do is plan appointments and such well, as I go almost everywhere on my bike - it's not like I can hop in my imaginary car and be somewhere in 5 minutes).
I get to the new lab - which I've actually been to before, I just can't remember when - and check in. They say they can take me in a few minutes. I looked in my backpack for my urine sample, and discovered my backpack was open and there was no urine sample inside. This gave me an opportunity for some comic relief, which helped quell the rant; however, the rant was still simmering. I'll mention here that the state of Arizona has done an exceptionally good job at taking care of my health needs, and I am cognizant of this. I'll also mention that this whole thing was a very, very minor inconvenience that did not affect me negatively at all - my mind, my perception negatively affected me.
Fortunately, all's well that ends well (almost), and I was able to reload, give my samples, and be off to work. I went to work and parked in my customary spot, walked in, and began my shift. I made a funny FB post about the experience that gave people an opportunity to laugh.
After my shift, I went out to my bicycle, and found that I had left it unlocked (probably because my mind was still ranting). I also discovered my first urine sample in one of my panniers (saddle bag). I must have put it in there after the first lab, and not even remembered I'd done it.
So the price of my outrage was embarrassment, I ruined my serenity, and I could have freely given my bike to any dishonest person who happened to walk by during my 8 hour shift.
Being in recovery, I cannot afford such outrage and inner ranting. It doesn't matter one bit whether I am wrong or I am right about the object of my anger; the point is that my frustration and anger can snowball, and, through some weird quirk in my mind, I will turn it all around and direct it toward myself. I will use it as a tool against myself. In that moment, there was nothing I could do about my insurance or about the state of healthcare in this country. In that moment, it was not my battle to fight. And this knowledge swirled in my head right along with my 'righteous' anger, but the anger was winning - for awhile. Fortunately, creating a humorous FB post about the episode and talking about it with some folks at work helped me let go of the anger and return to a more serene state of mind.
I want to mention here that being sensitive to outrage, anger, and conflict does not mean I can never be a voice for change without putting my recovery in peril; it's quite the opposite, actually. Because I must not dabble in outrage at anything, right or wrong, I must learn how to express my views in a calm, effective, persuasive manner. If I want to be part of a reform movement, I'm much better off being the person who approaches things with rationality and compassion.
I am grateful for this episode, because it reminds me of how quickly my mind can take a minor incident (and sometimes even an incorrect assumption) and run with it to hell. It reminds me that I have to be vigilant with my thinking, and that no matter what is going on around me, my focus must be on acceptance with life the way it is in this moment. Having a consistent mindfulness meditation practice has helped me immensely in bringing my mind back to center, and I am grateful for the growing ability to get back to sanity whenever I go off the rails.
Namasté,
Ken
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