Sunday, April 26, 2020

Anatomy of a Save

I experienced a textbook save the other morning, and I thought I might share it. A 'save' is anytime my thinking is getting shitty (hence the term stinkin' thinkin'), and something happens or I do something to turn it around and get my head back in recovery. 

This particular morning I was feeling sort of tired and part of me didn't want to go to work. The day before I got a little too much sun, and I was feeling it. I went in anyway, and began my advertising/blessing 'work'. Some days I experience an almost total lack of ambition, and today was one of those days. I started my work, and I was blessing drivers as they passed, hoping to get into the spirit of it. It wasn't really happening, and during gaps in traffic, my mind was turning to the stimulus check that is supposed to be in the mail.

I have good plans for that check when it comes when I'm in my right mind. My thoughts that day were not coming from my right mind - they were coming from an alcoholic mind. I was thinking about taking that check and having one big, final party. No, that's not rational thinking, but rational thinking doesn't go with alcoholism, and at that point, my mind was definitely alcoholic, even though I had had nothing to drink.

And I was suffering, switching back and forth between blessing others and stinkin' thinkin'. I was really trying to get my thinking back on the right track, and it wasn't working.

A recovery text I use says that at times, the sober alcoholic has no mental defense against the first drink - that this defense must come from a Higher Power. About a 1/2 hour into work, my sponsor (recovery trainer, spiritual mentor, etc.) rolled up on his way to work. He lives about a 1/4 mile away, but this is the first time he's stopped by while I'm working to say hi. I stopped what I was doing to talk with him. He asked how I was doing and I said, "Fine," because that's my automatic response. Then I said, "Wait a minute, I'm not fine," and I talked to him about what I was struggling with.

It is not easy for me to talk about my thinking when I'm struggling. When I'm down in any kind of stinkin' thinkin' (fear, self-pity, resentment), I know my thoughts make sense only to me - but they still make sense. And what is worse is that I think I can think myself back on to the right side of the street. Sometimes I can, if I only meet the unwanted thinking at the door; but sometimes, I invite the thinking inside and begin entertaining it. Bad news! And I don't want to share what's going on with anyone, because they'll think (know) that I'm crazy, or think I'm stupid or bad for possessing such thinking. The truth is that I'm the only one who ever judges me as crazy, bad, or stupid (at least that I'm aware of). So I was very grateful when I told my sponsor the truth of what was going on.

And it was ok. He did laugh, but he didn't call me crazy, stupid, or bad. He understood, and he empathized. He said it won't always be that way - my thinking won't always revert to alcoholic thinking when (relatively) large sums of money come my way or something else happens. And by talking to my sponsor - someone who is understanding - I was allowing Light to be shed on my darkness, and the darkness dissipated. And that's what made this a save - I was able to return to my job with my mind freed from obsession, and my enthusiasm for what I was doing - what was in front of me - returned.

Earlier I mentioned that sometimes nothing but my Higher Power can keep me from drinking, or from the obsessive thinking that will lead me to drinking or worse. Because my connection with Spirit wasn't totally broken (I had prayed earlier that morning, and I was attempting to be a blessing to those around me), Spirit intervened by sending my sponsor by to say hello. And I want to emphasize that it was totally my choice whether to recognize that God had thrown me a life preserver or to ignore it and continue to try to wrestle with my darkness on my own. And I thanked my sponsor then and later, letting him know that his intervention really did make my day.

So that's the anatomy of a save:

  • Greet unwanted thought at the door of my consciousness;
  • Take the chain off the door and invite the unwanted thought into my consciousness;
  • Entertain the unwanted thought until it becomes unwanted thinking (obsession);
  • Try on my own to kick the obsession out - struggle with it and suffer;
  • Call on my Higher Power to remove the obsession (or at least be open to a solution);
  • Recognize and be willing to utilize the solution when it appears.
God continues to watch over me, but I must continue to allow Him to do His healing work by becoming willing, open, and vulnerable and standing out of the way.

Namasté,

Ken

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Love Shots

I'm going to preface this post with two things:

First, due to the corona virus, Arizona does have a shelter-in-place order or something like that, and no large mtgs and stuff; however, some non-essential businesses are still open, including the one I work for. Because Prescott Valley is not very large, and Yavapai County has not had many cases of the virus, some stuff is overlooked by the authorities. That's how I'm able to work at the job I have, and am not suffering the host of restrictions that many people are now enduring.

Second, the people who own the sober living home in which I live also own a remodeling company. There is a weekly rent here of $150, and I was not making it due to not finding a job yet; so, the owners offered that if I would stand by the highway with a sign and advertise their remodeling company to passing traffic, the hours that I put in would go for credit to my rent. I told some people I was an advertising executive; my confession is that I am a simple sign waver.

Ok, on to the post:

The first day that I waved the sign along the highway, I didn't wave or anything - I just stood there holding the sign. The second day I did it, I began waving at cars as they passed by. Arizona is a waving state anyway, so there wasn't much personal risk for me to wave as well. Well, standing outside and waving to cars can get a little boring, and when I'm bored, my mind sometimes wanders to dangerous places. What I learned to do to occupy my time was to count the cycles of the traffic light up the road. It cycled every 2 minutes, so 30 cycles is an hour. Keeping track of what cycle I was in helped me keep my mind occupied, and it was helpful since when I first started, I didn't have a phone and had no way to tell what time it was without counting the cycles or running into the office to check the time.

I had learned a consciousness raising exercise whereby a person will endeavor to silently (or aloud, if circumstances permit) bless every person that comes into their physical presence or into their consciousness. It's a great exercise for turning around one's attitude about people. I've done this exercise from time to time, and it really helps raise my mood and shut up the jerk in my mind. So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to try it with the traffic - to spend 7 hours blessing the drivers passing by me. I had my phone by then, so I no longer had to keep track of time by counting cycles, and the traffic in our area has not decreased that much, even with schools and some businesses closing. So I silently shoot blessings to each driver that passes me. I use the spiritual principles that I am learning to live by:

  • Love
  • Peace
  • Joy
  • Faith
  • Hope
  • Acceptance
  • Good Health/Healing
  • Pardon (forgiveness) 
  • Courage
  • Strength
  • Honesty
  • Openmindedness
  • Willingness
  • Gratitude
  • Prosperity
  • Success
So I silently but consciously shoot these randomly at the people passing by. After doing this three days in a row, I almost forget that I'm holding a sign, and I really feel like sending out blessings is what I'm supposed to be doing. I have my doubts that the sign I'm holding is bringing in new business, but that's not my concern - I'm a sign holder, not an advertising consultant. I don't know that the blessings I send are being received - that's between the driver I shoot and their Higher Power. 

What I do know is that since I've been doing this, my overall vibe (mood) is much higher than it has been for a long time. I feel more grounded, and I feel more like I have purpose, and I like life a little bit better. Additionally, I seem to be getting more wave-backs and even honks and light-flashes. 

This practice has also improved my outlook on the world and God's people. I have an underlying belief that I am working to release, and that is that the world is a hostile place, people can't be trusted, and I must always be on guard. It's really been years and years since that belief has been true for me, and in the past few years, it's been quite the opposite. And I've found the people of Prescott Valley to be very nice and friendly. A few weeks ago, I cynically said that this was because everybody carries a firearm; now I believe it's genuine.

Another really big thing this practice is helping with is releasing my judgments of people. God told me once that judging others is not my job, but it's been hard to completely let it go. When I hand out these random blessings, I begin to understand that the people I'm zapping all are human and are subject to the frailties of being human, just like me. 

So I will continue this practice, and I will work toward blessing people who come into my consciousness as well. Another way to practice this is to silently say 'Namasté' to each person who comes my way. Namasté means the Divine in me recognizes and acknowledges the Divine in you. This practice is also good to use while driving, if driving tends to irritate you and wear on you. For instance, when a person cuts you off, you can say "Bless your heart, you must need to get to work faster than I do." Speaking of work, I used to pray for co-workers who irritated my by praying, "God, take care of so-and-so." My idea of 'taking care of' was probably different than God's, but the prayer allowed me to turn the person over and get over my irritation.

Thanks once again for reading, and...

Namasté

Ken

Friday, April 10, 2020

Where the Impossible Becomes Possible

I had an odd, interesting, eye-opening experience tonight. To preface, in case you're not aware or if you're reading this in the future, this is April 2020 and we are in the middle of a pandemic. Because of this, certain restrictions are in place, and people are quarantining themselves, and group gatherings, like recovery meetings, have been cancelled or are done online with programs like zoom.com and gotomeeting.com. This was the case tonight - I was virtually attending a recovery meeting from Wisconsin that I used to physically attend regularly. People's faces were flashing on the screen, people I've known for years, and who've known me for years, and I began to feel very uncomfortable, very anxious, and I didn't want these people to see me or know that I was there. I pressed the 'leave meeting' button and noped right out of there.

I was really surprised by my reaction, as I've physically returned to meetings where I've been absent for a while, and it's been ok. Tonight, I felt fear, anxiety, guilt,  shame. I didn't want my old friends to see me, and I virtually turned around and walked away.

About two weeks ago I had a crisis. I was seriously depressed, had no hope, and no longer wanted to live. I was hospitalized for a few days. One of the things that came out of that experience was I was put on different medication. The doctor asked me if I wanted to try it, and I said, "yes," thinking what the f*&k difference does it make anyway? I also had a similar experience to the one I described in my last post - I had come into the hospital with a plastic water bottle filled with vodka. My property was taken and stored during my hospitalization, and returned upon discharge. I did not know whether staff had discovered my vodka or not, but, as in the last post, that bottle was on my mind. I discovered that staff did not discover my bottle, and I left that hospital on the fence - do I continue to do whatever I can to get well, or do I start drinking again, hoping I'll permanently self-destruct? I chose to pour the vodka on the ground and throw the bottle away.

What I have discovered after leaving the hospital and the vodka behind is that I feel better, more clear, brighter, than I have in probably two years. I feel almost functional. I have hope. I have willingness to do whatever it takes to stay in recovery. I can't attribute it all to the medication change, as I haven't been taking it that long; however, I think the medication might have a lot to do with it. The interesting thing is that the medication I accepted is medication that I would not in my 'right' mind take - I took it with a screw it attitude, and found out it isn't like I thought it would be. Imagine that!

I've also discovered that spontaneous feelings are beginning to return. What I have been guilty of most of my adult life is learning what feelings I should have in which situation and acting. The only real feelings I had for a long time were anger and fear. I don't recommend this way of living. And the miracle is that I am no longer afraid to experience my feelings. I am willing to have them, learn from them, and let them go.

As I mentioned earlier, the feelings I felt going into that virtual recovery meeting were fear, guilt, and shame. Why? Because these people were my friends. Even though I kept them at arm's length, they always showed they cared for me and wanted me around. They probably would have done the same tonight if I'd stuck around, but I chose to run. And when I moved from Wisconsin to Arizona, I consulted nobody. I picked up and moved without saying a word. I abandoned my friends, and they had no idea what happened to me. That's a shitty, shameful way to behave, and I realized tonight that I owe them amends.

And that brings us to the title of this post - 'Where the Impossible Becomes Possible.' I had another virtual meeting to go to which started an hour after the first one that I bugged out of. Between the first meeting and the second, I sat with what happened and what I was feeling. Tonight my feelings were visceral. The remarkable thing is that I didn't have a desire to cover up or stuff the way I was feeling; I was able to sit with it and learn from it. That is when I realized I need to offer amends to my friends, but I have no idea when or how this is going to happen. It seems impossible.

So I went virtually to the second meeting, which featured a speaker sharing his experience, strength, and hope with addiction and recovery. I related a lot to his story - he also had created situations in his life that seemed impossible to overcome. But by putting down the alcohol, and doing the things other alcoholics before him had done to recover, he began to get well - he began to overcome those impossible situations that he had created in his life. Because we work a spiritual program of recovery, God is able to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves - if we let Him.

I do not know how to have a real relationship with another human being. I learned how to push people away and bring alcohol closer, and my level of distrust and disconnectedness of others grew. It seemed easier to distrust from the get-go than it would be to grow close and eventually experience the disappointment of a person abandoning me.

How do I begin to recognize, acknowledge, and embrace my connection with others? I don't know exactly how it is going to happen, but I do know this - that when I embrace an attitude of willingness to get well, the Universe opens all sorts of doors that I didn't know were there. I have seen it happen in others, and I have seen it happen in myself, and I see it happening now. Nothing is impossible with God. I don't have to know how things will get better; all I have to do is apply as much honesty and willingness that I can, and be open-minded and accepting of what shows up in my life. So many times I have closed the doors that Source has opened for me, but I must remember this: there is not a problem I can create that is bigger than my Higher Power. 

I have been cursed and blessed to have the desire to live a bigger life than I'm living. I can't sit with new information about who I really am an continue to live the way I've always lived - I must allow change for the better and healing into my life. I must let go of fear and old beliefs, and open my mind, my emotions, an my arms to what God has in store for me. I must continue to develop faith and courage as I become the man I would be. It's a tall order, but I don't have to do it alone. I have God, and I have a ton of good people around me who love and support me in proportion to my willingness to accept their love and support.

Namasté,

Ken

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Mind Games

***Trigger Warning*** - this post deals with triggers & urges to drink.

Yesterday, I was walking to the drugstore on a path that runs next to Prescott Valley's big drainage ditch (built for monsoon season to help avoid flash flooding). I use this path all the time, and like any public path, there is sometimes trash strewn about. At one point, less than a mile to my destination, I noticed a bottle (a fifth) of Wild Turkey Rye Whiskey laying in the grass; only I really noticed it. I fairly often see stuff of this nature on my walks, and I usually give stuff a half-second glance. The glance I gave the bottle yesterday was much more than a half-second, and that bottle and its contents looked good.

If you are a non-alcoholic or non-addict, you might wonder what the attraction was. I walk into gas stations and grocery stores that sell beer and liquor all the time. I rarely have an issue being in close proximity to sealed alcoholic products sitting innocently on the store shelves waiting for some customer to buy them. I know I'm not that customer.

Fortunately, this happened yesterday. If I had happened upon that bottle of Wild Turkey two weeks ago, I'm fairly certain that I would have taken advantage of it, because two weeks ago I was not in a good space mentally or spiritually. Yesterday I was doing pretty good.

So I carried on to my destination, and after I was done with my business, I began my return trip using the same path. I came upon the bottle of whiskey again, and I stopped. Again, I knew the problem for me - it was there. So I decided to pour it out. I picked up the bottle, and it was nearly full. I can't comprehend someone leaving a nearly full bottle of whiskey alone in the wilds - that's alcohol abuse! I went to unscrew the cap, and noted it wasn't a cap, it was a cork - classy! I pulled out the cork, and... I've done this before - poured bottles out for myself or for someone I'm helping, and there's always this one little point, this hesitation, where the decision, or the final answer is made... Do I drink it or do I pour it out; could go either way. And I chose to pour that whiskey out onto the ground. When the bottle was empty, I flung it back in the grass, and continued on my way.

I spoke with my recovery coach a few hours later and related the experience to him. He asked if I felt good for doing that, and I told him that I did. It was a good feeling making the better choice. And we talked a little more about it, and I talked about possibly disappointing the person who bought the bottle in the first place. But he said I did the right thing, because by physically pouring it out, I got it out of my mind. We also realized that I might have saved some kid from a bad day or a bad life by removing this opportunity to use alcohol; who knows.

I'm grateful for this experience, and experiences like them. They remind me that I still need to be mindful on my daily journey. Triggers, urges, cravings happen to anybody who stops using a substance to which they are addicted, and there is no shame in having them. Addiction is tied into the part of our brains that ensure our survival, so automatically desiring something we were addicted to when triggered is not at all unusual. As a recovering person, I need to remember to not always believe everything I think. If I do, I can lead myself into some very destructive behavior.

Urges and triggers are just thoughts; however, they're thoughts that affect the pleasure center of our brain, and they can turn into physical cravings or obsessions. It's important to deal with them before they become out of control. I dealt with this one by taking action opposite to my desire (pouring it out), and talking with someone who understands (honesty). By dealing with this situation in a skillful way, I'm able to move past it and relate the story as an incident that happened yesterday. Had I dealt with this unskillfully, it'd be a pretty good bet that today would have been much, much different, and that bottle, or at least the consequences from drinking it, would still be with me. I'm grateful for the tools to stay sober, and I'm even more grateful when I actually use them.

Thank you for reading. I hope this piece has shed some light for you on alcoholism. Please share this with others if you think it would help.

Namasté,

Ken

Friday, April 3, 2020

Greetings from Prescott Valley, Arizona

On or about December 18th, 2019, I moved from Wisconsin and landed in Flagstaff, Arizona. From there, I spent some time in Holbrook, AZ, and from there moved to Prescott (prounounced presskit) Valley, AZ. The reasons for the move are still unclear, but I've wanted to live in Arizona for some time now. So here I am.

I haven't written here lately. It's difficult for me to write when times are tough, and times have been tough. I decided to move rather abruptly, so I landed here without a plan. Additionally, I found it necessary to drink alcohol on the way down here. So, I'm basically a homeless drunk in Arizona. Actually, I was only drinking for about a week, so the consequences weren't too severe. However, the drinking caused me to be suicidal, so I landed in the psychiatric hospital and then off for a 30-day treatment. After treatment, I came to a sober living house in Prescott Valley.

It's also difficult for me to write when I feel unsure of what I'm writing about. If I only wrote about that which I knew for sure, I would write, "Moved to Arizona - sober again." I know there's much more to the story, I just don't know what it is yet.

And that's going to have to be ok. I am grateful for a friend who wrote to me, "It will all work out." My ego wants to defend, rationalize, justify, but I can't - I can only say, "It just is," and go from there. And going from here means learning to trust in and rely upon Source that it will lead me to the next right step; building my recovery support network here in Prescott Valley and Prescott, working vigilantly on learning how to manage depression and keep it from informing my choices, and being of service wherever and whenever I can. Same schtick, different state.

So I think that's about it for now. Pretty sketchy, but I needed to break the ice on the latest leg of my journey. I hope you'll continue to travel with me!

Namasté,

Ken