Monday, October 28, 2019

We Are Not Alone

No, sorry, this isn't a post about aliens. Or, maybe it is! Most of us who have lived experience with addiction and/or a mental health condition(s) have felt alien. It's quite common for the person going through suffering to say, either aloud or to themselves, "Nobody understands!" Fortunately, this isn't the whole truth; however, the feeling can be so strong, even in recovery, that it seems to be a part of the dis-ease process. 

I was at an alcoholism recovery meeting recently, and I began to experience this feeling. Part of the feeling comes from my tendency to look at the differences between me and others rather than the similarities. Part of it can come as a symptom of my dis-ease. And part of it can come from the fact that I have what is known as a dual diagnosis, or co-occurring, disorders. There are some in addiction recovery that have only to deal with the dis-ease of addiction. For most of those, the recovery program in a mutual aid support group works, if the person works it. For some who do have co-occurring disorders, an addiction recovery program works as well. Then for some others, me included, we seem to need more than just an addiction recovery program. It is not the fault of the recovery program; it is simply that people experiencing co-occurring conditions sometimes need more, such as therapy and possibly medication.

When I began to feel this way at the meeting - alienated, unique, alone, disconnected - I probably didn't do the best thing, which might have been to stick around afterwards and talk with someone; however, I didn't buy into the way I felt. I began to look for the similarities between me and the speakers; I began to come up with alternatives to my thinking; I began to see the ways in which I am unique, noting that most of them, if not all, are good. They're who I am. And, as I was leaving the meeting, alone, I noted to myself that it's ok for me to be alone from time to time, so long as I'm in a place where I can stand myself.

As I mentioned above, it's important for me to identify how my depression shows up. I've lived with it for so long that it's been a real challenge to differentiate between what is me and what is my dis-ease. I've felt alone and different-from most of my life, and most of my life I thought it was because I was defective and less than everyone else. Today I understand this feeling of being alone in the universe as a symptom of my dis-ease. When the symptom is part of me, like an arm or a leg is a part of me, it's very hard to do anything about it; however, when I view the symptom as a symptom, I am able to do something about it. As a symptom, I can talk about it with others; I can spend time with others, either in person, or on the phone, or even on social media, if I'm hooked up with the right groups (it's helpful to be with like-minded people, such as others in recovery from mental unwellness or addiction); I can pray; I can think about alternatives to my thinking. So there's a lot that I can do about this particular symptom - I don't have to stay in my aloneness for long. Another thing I can do is play with other people's pets (with their permission and because I don't have pets of my own) - pets, especially dogs, love being with me and don't judge me. The drawback is I can't take dogs to work with me or to recovery meetings.

Spiritually, we are never alone. Our Creator is omnipresent, which means that I am always connected to It, as It is connected to me. And the kicker is that if I am made from my Creator, and my Creator is in me and all of Creation, then I am connected to all of Creation, including you! So the feeling of being apart from or alone is really an illusion, or even a delusion. It's a lie. Sometimes in meditation I can feel this connection; sometimes in consciousness I recognize it. I'm working toward knowing my Connection more.

And speaking of connection, I read in one recovery resource that, as an alcoholic, one of my primary problems has been the failure to connect on a real level with another human being. Recent studies have also pointed to the idea that the opposite of addiction is connection - connection with our family and friends, connection with all of humankind. So working toward knowing this connection in my heart, and not just in my head, moves me toward recovery and healing. In recovery meetings we have the opportunity to work on this connection, and as the health of our relationships grow, our spiritual and mental health grows (probably our physical health, too). We weren't put here to live this life alone and on our own.

So I am grateful I'm on this path, even though sometimes it feels like too much to deal with. One footstep at a time I move deeper in recovery and closer to truly knowing my connection with everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Grow the Heck Up!

I had a bad day yesterday. Well, I didn't have a bad day, I had actually a really good day with some less-than-desirable moments, and, this morning, I'm focusing on those moments instead of the plenty of good and desirable moments that I had. 


I'm not for living in the past, but since I'm there anyway, let's take a look at it:

What caused me to tell myself this morning to 'grow up' are a few instances where, during times where I felt stuck or didn't know what to do next, I resorted to escapism and, for me, addictive behavior. I over-played an internet game of which I'm fond, I watched more stupid videos and read irrelevant articles on my phone than was necessary, I went off my diet and ate a bunch of Halloween candy (sorry, kids!), and I stayed up very late for no good reason. Yes, this is immature behavior, but telling me (or anyone) to 'grow the €#&@ up' is pejorative, unnecessary, and unhelpful.

So, while I'm in yesterday, I'm going to do a few things.
First, I'm going to forgive myself for being a less-than-perfect human being. I am in a challenging place right now, which is uncomfortable, and, at times, I resorted to activities that I've used in the past to comfort myself that are really less-than-skillful, and I also engaged in helpful and productive behavior to improve my situation.

Also, I'm not a bad little boy and I didn't do bad things. Again, I engaged in behavior in a way that was, in the long run, less-than-helpful to me. I am an adult, and I did also do things that were very helpful to me.

Next, I'm going to think of some downtime things to do today that are helpful and/or. productive, such as meditating (I've got a virtual ton of meditation resources), take a walk, read something relevant, or play a game, but set limits.

Ok, so I've objectively analyzed the events of yesterday, forgiven myself and given myself a hug and a pat on the back, and I'm sharing my experience with other adults because I know I'm not the only person in the world who struggles with engaging in unhelpful behaviors sometimes. Or a lot. And then I'm going to jump into my morning routine.

The things I mentioned above transform the negative things I did yesterday into positives for today. It's a lot more productive and healing than telling myself that I need to grow up. We'll see how it goes today; right now I'm expecting to do good things today with a minor stumble here and there.

Namaste

Ken
(written on and sent from my phone)

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Assumptions!

I used to be a big assumer and jumper to conclusions. There is no complex mystery behind why I liked to assume - I found making assumptions about things going on around me a lot easier than actually investigating the facts, wherein I'd have to actually talk with someone and ask what's going on.

I still assume and jump to conclusions; the difference today is that I'm aware I could be wrong, so I don't immediately act upon my assumptions. I can sometimes consider alternative possibilities, and sometimes I even talk with people about what I'm thinking.

The problem with this person in recovery is that my thinking still leans toward the negative, and I am still prone to depression - so when I assume, it's usually negative and I often use the assumption against myself, demeaning my character and calling myself all sorts of nasty names. Yes, that's insane. The worst case scenario is that I assume something that isn't true, and use that assumption to begin really self-destructive behavior, like drinking. As of this writing, that doesn't make much logical sense - but I've used facts around me to make assumptions about my worthiness that have led me down the path of self destruction. 

I've been looking for jobs in Waukesha so that I can move back there. I'm currently employed at the plastics factory near where I'm living through a temporary service. They have a branch in Waukesha, and I discovered a job I'd like to have in their listings. So, I called the Waukesha office to let them know I am interested and to inquire on what steps I need to take to apply for that job. I explained that I am already working for the temporary service, and told them my assignment. I got the impression that the person on the other end of the line didn't think a person working in a factory would be qualified for the job in which I'm interested, which left me a little irritated. That impression I got was an assumption. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but, more importantly, it doesn't matter.

So I went thinking nasty things about that office in Waukesha and the people who worked there, as well as getting down on myself a little for not having a straight career path. (Thinking nasty things isn't good for me, whether they're true or not, and neither is getting down on myself). I took the time to re-write my resume, listing my relevant experience first rather than doing a chronological resume. I emailed my resume to the Waukesha office with the job rep's name in the subject line. I didn't hear anything for a few days, so I called the office and left a message for the job rep. The rep's voicemail message states, "I'll call you back within two hours" (this is important in a little bit). I didn't get a call-back, so I assumed the rep wasn't interested, and I started focusing on other job resources (which is a good idea).

Today I received a text from the job rep asking me to call them, which renewed my hope. I talked to the job rep after work today, and he let me know he had been out of the country until Monday. People often fail to update their voicemail messages - I know this, but I had forgotten it in my efforts to assume the worst. So I talked to the rep, and they are going to contact the company at which I'd like to work and set up an interview for me.  Hmph - stymied again!

I'm not good yet at taking an objective view of myself and my world. My perceptions are still on the negative, low self-esteem side. Interestingly enough, in talking with others, I can help them see more alternatives than they can see themselves, but it's still a challenge to help myself. I didn't do anything rash in this instance, but I did poison my own thinking (I was going to say unnecessarily, but anytime I poison my thinking it's unnecessary).

I'm not powerless to change my thinking for the better, but it takes practice and consistency, and for situations like this to pop up. I'm writing about this because writing and talking about it helps me make the commitment to change.

I've come to a better understanding that the 'stuff' that happens in life are really lessons, and I don't have to beat myself up, in fact, it's counter-productive to beat myself up, for receiving a lesson. Today I can be grateful for lessons like this, for they're helping me grow into the person I'd like to be.

 Namasté,

Ken