The Joys of Therapy

I am resuming therapy next week to address my recent relapse and the issues that caused it. I'm looking forward to it; the work I was able to do the last time I was in therapy really was life-changing (for the better) for me. 

It occurred to me as I was thinking about it this afternoon that there is probably still a lot of stigma surrounding therapy for mental or emotional health. We, as a society, have no difficulty with going to physical, cardiac, or respiratory therapy; but often our collective heads go down in shame when we talk about going to therapy to improve our mental and emotional health. This is unnecessary, and probably harmful. Therapy can provide improvement in marriages, in parenting, in work life, in social life, and the ripple effect is that improved mental health usually results in improved physical health (thus lowering medical costs overall - learning ways to deal with stress through therapy is tons cheaper than open-heart surgery, and a lot safer too!). Therapy can also result in improved societal health - less drug abuse, spouse abuse, less crime in general - meaning that our police and emergency services are less taxed and better able to serve us. So, I'm not really seeing a downside here.

Stigma results from lack of knowledge, so I'm going to share the little bit that I know about therapy, mainly from my own latest experience. Again, people go to therapists for all sorts of reasons - certainly, therapy is warranted for past trauma that has not healed, or recent trauma, and of course individuals use therapy to manage chronic mental health conditions. Other reasons for going might be common life issues, such as couples' counseling, or parenting issues. There are also major change of life issues such as grief therapy or divorce therapy. Folks might go after retiring in order to find a new life purpose, and people go to learn how to deal emotionally with diseases such as cancer, or chronic diseases such as MS or fibromyalgia.  One doesn't need to be 'kooky' or 'weird' to seek the advice of a professional; one simply needs a desire to improve the quality of their life.

What happens in a therapist's office? This varies widely, depending upon the specialty of the therapist. Generally, 1:1 therapy lasts 50 minutes (a therapist's 'hour'). You and your therapist will probably set some goals that you determine, and then each session will be spent discussing issues that come up relating to your goals. A good therapist will allow the client to steer the boat, within certain parameters. A good therapist also spends more time asking questions and listening, rather than talking. A good therapist draws the answers out from their clients.  A therapist uses the therapy in which they are trained to guide their client toward their goals. In my opinion, if one's therapist is content to listen to a client ramble on for 50 minutes each week or however often, rehashing the same stuff over and over, that client would be better off talking to a bartender (unless you have an alcohol problem) - it'd be cheaper and you'd get the same results.

In Wisconsin, and probably all 50 states, everything said in the confines of the therapist's office is confidential, except if you have plans to harm yourself, someone else, or you are discussing child/elder abuse that you are perpetrating.

There are different levels of licensing for therapists and counselors. I'm not familiar enough with them all to list them here; however, a person can contact a counseling center and ask who would be best to help them with attaining their goals. There are many ways to find a counselor or therapist - through word of mouth, one's insurance company, one's county's Health & Human Services, or on the internet. The tough part can be finding one with whom one clicks. A person need not be afraid of 'shopping' - if a therapist is offended because you're not a good match, they're not a good therapist. This is your life, and your money - a therapist works for the client.

I'm looking forward to rejoining therapy - it's nice to be able to talk about things without embarrassment and know that they'll be left in that person's office, and I'm ready for moving life to a new level.

Namasté,

Ken 

Social Media and My Recovery

Social media (Facebook, Twitter, blogs, YouTube, etc.) is a wonderful development in my life, but, like anything in my life, I can use it skillfully or unskillfully. I was first on Facebook several years back, and deleted my account fairly soon after I opened it - I found I became very judgmental, and when I made a snarky comment to a friend in response to their post, I decided to get off of Facebook. I saw that I was being consumed by my friends' lives, and something told me that wasn't very helpful to me.

Two years ago I got back on Facebook. Besides this blog and YouTube, Facebook is the only social media I use (I think - I use so much internet technology it's sometimes hard to tell how 'out there' I am). I'm going to write mainly about Facebook, since that particular medium soaks up the majority of my time. 

I won't lie - Facebook this time around has made a tremendous impact upon my life. I have 'friends' in 6 of the 7 continents. It has opened me up to information and people and ideas I might not have ever known without Facebook. I've found another area of spiritual support through Facebook, and I have been challenged to look at what I believe and the way I think through the posts I've explored.

I'm listing some ways I've discovered Facebook to be helpful and harmful to my recovery by listing 'skillful' and 'unskillful' ways I've used it, with the unskillful ways first. Please note that these aren't "do's and don't's" for me - I'm not perfect, and waver between skillful and unskillful every time I'm on the computer or my phone. This is simply what I've discovered so far that seems to work and not work for me.

Unskillful

• Making assumptions about peoples' lives as well as comparing myself to others by what I read on Facebook. Even though people tend to share a lot more (sometimes too much!) about their lives than ever before, I must remember that what I see on Facebook is still just a snippet of someone. Some people share what they feel is going wrong in their lives, some people share what they feel is going right, some people share only their children or pets, and some people don't share at all and comment only on others' posts. Nobody, me included, shares everything (even in this blog). Still the best way to get to know someone is to sit down with them and spend some time with them.
• Sharing my political opinions on Facebook. Opinions are like buttholes - everyone has them and they all stink. But, seriously, for me, there are a few things that aren't good for me about sharing my political opinion:
• I've found that it's not my path to share political views. If I go by the number of responses to posts I've made with political views versus the number of other posts I've made, I can tell most people aren't interested in my political opinions.
• I've also discovered that, since I really don't research too deeply into any political issue, my comments about political issues parrot one side or the other and aren't very insightful or useful to anyone.
• My role in life is a helper, a person of service to my Higher Power and my fellows. Sharing my political opinions is not only not helpful to that role, it can actually detract from it by alienating people with strong opinions opposite mine. If I can be of service to you, it doesn't matter (for the most part) what your orientation of any type is to me.
• Reading posts that are intended only to inflame. Related to sharing my political or other irrelevant opinions, reading posts that are intended to rile or inflame rather than inform is not good for my mental health. Imagine sitting down for a nice enjoyable session at the computer only to read stuff that riles me up and evaporates my peace of mind - not good for my recovery, so why do it? I've un-followed people for whom the majority of their posts is inflaming political rhetoric (and memes) whether I agree with them or not! My peace of mind is of utmost importance to me and my recovery; most posts that inflame me give me 'information' that I can do nothing about, so there's no good point to exposing myself to them.
• Spending too much time on Facebook. I don't know what is the correct amount of time to spend on Facebook and other social media; however, I think I spend too much time on it. Some ways to tell when I'm spending too much time on Facebook:
• When I'm looking for you or other posters to entertain me. Sometimes I scroll and scroll and scroll looking for something to pique my interest or fill that hole inside. It's time to get off and do something else.
• When I'm procrastinating. Sometimes I have things that would be better for me to do - like the dishes - but I instead engage with Facebook.
• When I let social media keep me up later than is healthy. Sometimes I do personal YouTube concerts for two hours or more. I like them; I'm not sure how helpful they are.
• When I do Facebook first thing in the morning, before anything else. My belief is the first things to do in the morning that are best for me are those things that align me with my Higher Power and Higher purpose.
• Decreased social interactions. This is preferable to my introvert personality, but detrimental to the whole me. My last post was about feeling again, and since I put it out to the Universe that I'd like to start feeling again, I imagine my social interactions will increase,  because those feelings I want to feel again are often caused by messy real human interactions.

Skillful

• Choosing my path on Facebook. No matter what Mark Zuckerberg's intentions are for Facebook, and no matter what one might hear, an individual does have a great deal of choice about what appears on their Facebook feed. Here are some of my choices:
• Comedy - I enjoy a good laugh, and laughter is healthy. I had to go through a few humor pages until I found one that was funny without bashing anybody (for the most part).
• Peaceful - I un-followed some of my friends who prefer posting about weapons and the glory of war and such - not my thing.
• Grateful - somehow, I got linked up with a group called The Gratitude Circle. I think this group, more than any other, has had an influential part in my life.
• Spiritual - I chose groups that seem to align with the path I'm on, or groups that seem to be where I'd like to be.
• Recovery Oriented - I've joined groups that are filled with others in recovery in order to garner new ideas about recovery and share in others' experiences.
• Connection. I feel connected to some of my friends whom I've never met. This is a double-edged sword, as it would be good for me to have closer physical connections, but, on the other side of it, it's good for me to have connections at all, and the people with whom I'm friends are real people, even if I can't hug them.
• Healing relationships. Through Facebook, and Divine Providence, I think, I was able to re-connect with my two siblings and some other relatives with whom I had broken off communications some years ago. In addition, I've discovered some relatives I didn't know existed.
• Personal healing.  This blog and my interactions on Facebook have given me a medium that I can use to explore myself. I don't know that I can explain it any more than that.
• Expanding my horizons. As I've mentioned, I have friends on 6 of the 7 continents, and they're a diverse bunch. Facebook allows me to get a broader view of humanity without having to leave my apartment.
• YouTube. It was pointed out to me that the average US individual has more entertainment at their fingertips than kings and queens did just a couple of centuries ago. There is a wealth of free stuff on YouTube - from meditations, to music, to instructional videos on how to fix my car. All of these have enriched my life.

I chose to write about recovery and social media because of the impact it has had on me. It's important in recovery to pay attention to what we ingest - not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm grateful that I have these tools in my life, and I'm glad I've been led to use them wisely. I will keep social media as long as it exists and helps me grow in my recovery.

Namasté,

Ken

Learning to Feel Again - Safely

I was a sensitive child. I felt things strongly, but I did not learn how to skillfully deal with the things I felt. In my teens, I learned that alcohol and some prescription drugs would effectively squelch the feelings I felt. If alcohol and drugs still worked, I'd still be using them; however, in my early twenties I began to recognize that my use of alcohol and drugs were causing problems with other people in my life, and, being addicted to people pleasing at that time, I chose to try to quit drinking. That did nothing for the feelings that I did not know how to control (and I never sought help for the way I felt, probably because I felt like the way I felt was 'wrong', and was ashamed of feeling. Now if that's not messed up!). In the early years of attempting sobriety, I turned into a binge drinker - I would stay sober for a period of time until I just couldn't take it any more, and I would drink until I couldn't anymore.

During my dry periods, I did learn methods for avoiding emotions fairly well. I'm a good actor, and I acted as if I had no feelings when I needed to do so.  That had adverse effects - there were times when it seemed I also had no conscience.  I didn't lose my conscience; it simply became subdued along with my feelings. 

Depression can come about due to oppression or suppression of one's expression. I have not been oppressed by anybody or anything (except myself) since I left prison in April of 2002 (and even that type of oppression I invited upon myself). I have, however, continued to suppress and cover up what's really in my heart.  Generalized anxiety disorder - that anxiety that comes about for no other reason than to just be there - also comes from the suppression of emotions.

So, suppression of my emotions leads to depression, emotional death, sickness, and lack of success. I cannot suppress only the feelings I do not like - sadness, hurt, grief - without suppressing the feelings I do like - love, joy, happiness, connection, passion. In order to live a vibrant, abundant life, I need to be able to feel those good-feeling emotions, and, in order to do that, I must learn how to feel and safely deal with those not-so-good feeling feelings.

One might rightfully ask, "How do you have the career you have if you don't feel?" I do feel. I feel empathy and sympathy, and I feel a connection with those who are going through the same things that I am. But I know I don't feel as deeply as I could. I did not lose my job because I'm crappy at it; quite the opposite, I'm very good at it. I lost my job because I failed to show up at work for 3 days without calling in because I was too busy with my suicidal binge. 

So I do feel, but I feel minimally. There are moments, and sometimes days, when I believe I could turn my back on the whole world forever and not regret it one bit. There are times when I feel as if I could disappear, even though I have a great life with lots of people in it who love me.

That's what I want to feel - I cognitively know life is good, but I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to embark on this journey of re-awakening my emotional self and learn to deal with what comes up.  Scary shit, right?

I have work-arounds to help me deal with some feelings, but they don't always work. A work-around is a coping skill that isn't. It's a half-assed measure to avoid or escape what's going on without facing it and dealing with it. Some of my work-arounds for not feeling are avoiding people, places and events that make me feel uncomfortable, and avoiding forming deep relationships with other human beings. I can tell when people and things are getting too close!  I get that urge to escape, and if there's nowhere to escape, I implode. Not fun.

I am fortunate that nowadays I'm associated with some others who are challenged with strong emotions and feelings, and I've learned that there are ways to not only deal with it, but learn to harness the sensitivity and use it in a positive way. The problem is not feeling too much, the problem is, not understanding that there are positive ways of living with feelings and emotions. I have begun the process of re-opening my emotional body and learning to work with it instead of against it. This process is physical, behavioral, mental, spiritual, and, of course, emotional.

I'm getting into this and feeling like I could write a book on it, and I don't want to write a book today, so I'll give a thumbnail sketch:

Physically and behaviorally, I must discover those drugs, foods, and behaviors that I indulge in to assuage my feelings and begin to avoid them, while at the same time experiencing and embracing the feelings I'm trying to avoid (emotionally). Additionally, I've learned a practice called TRE® which allows me to release memories and traumas that are stored in the physical body. There are other methods as well, such as acupressure, acupuncture, various types of yoga, EFT, guided meditation, and others. Exercising regularly, especially aerobic exercise, also helps me stay grounded physically.

Mentally, I can use the skills I learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to re-frame how I approach feelings on a cognitive level. CBT gives me a chance to stop the automatic thinking and automatic reactions so that I may approach my life in a rational and reasonable way. I can mentally wrap my head around, "I am feeling hurt - I do not need to run from hurt; I can acknowledge it, embrace it and feel it, thank it, and let it go." Thank it? Yes - our feelings tell us our preferences, and if I ignore my feelings, I essentially ignore who I am. Another therapy that I've heard works well for people who are challenged by their feeling is DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I might check that out - it sounds promising. I am also learning to meditate, and there are many, many ways to meditate and tools that help. Meditation helps to ground me mentally and physically, and some forms of meditation allow me to go within to discover what really makes me tick. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I can improve my connection with Spirit through prayer and meditation, and I can also practice forgiveness. It's important for me to understand that those events in the past that caused me to shut down my feelings were not meant to hurt me, but to teach me compassion and understanding. Whoever or whatever hurt me came from their own brokenness. Prayer and meditation grounds me emotionally, helps me to feel safe, and allows me to go back and reclaim parts of myself I have lost over the years. There are also grounding skills that can be learned that allow me to protect myself in a healthy way when I'm in an uncomfortable space as well as allow me to be fully open when I'm in a safe space.

Some of these things I can do on my own, and some I need assistance and support. I'm grateful today that I either have what I need to accomplish my endeavor, or know that it's on its way.

I have the desire and willingness to become fully alive again. I know that I could go the rest of my life the way I am today, but I don't believe life is about waking up, going to work, and dying. I believe today that life is meant to be fully experienced, and the greatest part of that experience is feeling it, even if sometimes the feeling it isn't fun.  I desire to have a passion for living and a love for myself that I'm not yet experiencing; today I know it's possible, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I forgot to mention - how do I start this process? How do I start to feel again? Simply by becoming willing and open and receptive, the Universe will provide me with all I need to start feeling again - the people, places, and situations.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Acquiring the Willingness to Change My Story

If I remain stuck in who I think I am, recovery will be difficult, if not impossible. For years and years and years, I did not want to be depressed; yet I identified with the symptoms of my depression every day. I wasn't good enough, I was hopeless, I'm different than everybody, my life has no meaning, I can't make it in this world, I'm a disappointment to everybody around me, and I'm undeserving of anything because I'm such a loser. That is who I believed I was. I felt like an inept mountain climber - I watched everybody I knew climbing their mountain while I struggled at the base of mine, slipping and sliding, and never making it more than a few feet up.

I did not know or understand that the identity that I walked around with was not really me, that it was symptomatic of a brain disorder (commonly known as Major Depressive Disorder). I did not know that I was never hopeless loser, even when I was unable to successfully complete endeavors  (like marriages, jobs, and post-secondary education). I wasn't hopeless 2 weeks ago, and I'm not hopeless today. The symptoms I experience, although they feel like me, are not me.

I'll mention here that to say, "I am an alcoholic," or "I am (mental health condition)," is self-stigmatizing. Few people walk around saying, "I am diabetes," or "I am prostate cancer." Today, if I want to introduce myself and tag the disorders I've experienced, I say, "My name is Ken and I am in recovery from alcoholism and depression." This puts a degree of separation between me and my disorders, and it is more accurate - today I am sober and I am not experiencing symptoms of depression. It seems complicated, but the things I tell myself are very important.

Human tendency is to define ourselves by our past, by what we've done or experienced. We are all we've thought and experienced; however, we're also much, much more. We are also all we can be, being children of the infinite Universe. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we have the opportunity to surpass our perceived human limitations. One can see this in human development, technology, and even in sports - there is a drive within us to be more today than we were yesterday.

Addiction and other mental health conditions have the tendency to dim our creative spirits and drive. I've experienced it myself, and I see it in a lot of individuals with whom I work. 

In order to thrive, as opposed to simply existing, I must be willing to expand my borders. I must be willing to do the work required to break free from the limitations I've imposed upon myself. How did I become willing? By being surrounded by people who let me know that I was so much more than I thought I was. I began to believe these people, and I began to seek ways to expand my consciousness - to use tools others had used to begin to look past the fence I had constructed around myself, and to begin to believe that I had the power and ability to knock the fence down.

When I was treating only alcoholism, I did everything I could to stay sober. One of the things that bothered me is that I would see some others in recovery doing less than I was doing, yet having seemingly better lives and an easier time of it. Part of this perception was the veil of depression that often surrounded me. The other part of it was that I really was doing more than some others and not achieving the same results. This only served to fortify my belief that I was useless and a loser. My belief was that I would always be less than those around me, no matter what I did or how hard I worked.

When I acknowledged and accepted that I am also dealing with a mental health condition, I began to treat that as well. In order to stay in recovery, I have to treat both of my conditions. There's a fair amount of overlap, but there are also things I do that are specific to each condition. I feel that there are a lot of things, physically, mentally, and spiritually, that I must attend to in order to stay in recovery. I am in truth grateful for this, because what I do has opened my life and given me things and people I never would have experienced otherwise.

So back to changing my story - if you'll notice by reading some of the other posts in my blog, I do not write very much about 'what it was like'. I don't tell expansive stories about my time in prison, or how many hospitals I've visited, or all the wreckage I created in the past. On a private level, I deal with all of that. My story is about recovery, not addiction and mental illness, and recovery is now. I understand today that the most important moment in my life is right here, right now, and I don't want to waste this moment re-hashing the past. 

I was at a job interview last week, and at interviews I submit not only my resume, but also my criminal record. The interviewer looked at me and said, "You don't look like you've stolen cars." I've heard similar comments when I tell people about my past, and the reason I don't look like I've committed crimes and been to prison is because I don't live there anymore. I'm just not the felon I once was! But seriously, I don't consider myself a criminal today (because I'm not), and I don't go back there very often. I don't carry that story anymore. 

The reason I want to thrive, rather than just survive, is that one, simply surviving kind of sucks, to me, and two, I believe that the more I'm loving myself and loving life, the less likely it is that I will go back to the life I used to live. Now, obviously, I did take a brief trip back in time to get another taste of misery; however, I can use that jaunt to discover what more I can do to stay in recovery as well as to help others in their recoveries.

So my story is not that I'm a depressed drunk, because today I'm not. Today I am a person who, with help from a Higher Power and a lot of friends, is discovering who he really is and sharing that person with others.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me

In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.

In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me. 

Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.

So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.

I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.

I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.

So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.

I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.

This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.

Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Faith in a Higher Power

This is actually an addendum to the last post, and I apologize if I led anybody to believe that I pull myself up by my own bootstraps - I do not. My strength comes from at least knowing, and sometimes feeling, that I am loved, led, and supported by something greater than me. If I felt I had to do life, much less recovery, alone, I would not make it.

For me, and a lot of people in recovery, a benevolent, loving Power Greater than ourselves is an essential component of recovery. How does one get a Higher Power if one doesn't have one? The best way that I found to connect with my Higher Power was to stop resisting life. At a very early point in my recovery, I began practicing non-resistance, which is close to acceptance, but not quite. I simply stopped judging what life was handing me, and stopped trying to avoid or escape it. I began to learn to deal with it. 

And what I found when I did that was that the formerly 'bad' stuff that I would have avoided actually turned out to be good for me when I faced it with dignity and grace, and humility. Somewhere along the line, I began to realize that Life was my Higher Power, and it made sense to me, as God or the Universe created life. Doh! So the stuff that Life hands me is actually good for me, no matter what my perception of it is.

So, after relapse and getting back into recovery, I have to get back to that mind set that 'it's all good'.

One way to connect to a Higher Power is through a connection with loving, supportive people who have the kind of character or attributes one desires. Another way is to find a group of people that generate a feeling of safety and love and that seem to give one energy. Some folks connect through nature, either in solitude or with others.

I'll keep this short. I love getting into the nitty-gritty of spirituality, but one doesn't need a Doctorate of Divinity degree to access their Higher Power. One simply needs to be open and willing, and observant to see what happens.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Getting Back Up

Relapse into alcoholism/addiction and/or mental unwellness happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does - more often than it doesn't. Stigma can cause a person experiencing these disorders a fair amount of shame, which gets in the way of recovery and can be devastating.

Shaming a person experiencing addiction or mental illness is not helpful. If shaming anybody for anything actually worked, we'd be living in a perfect society right now, and, uh, I don't think we are.

Self-shaming is pointless, too. One might wonder why, with less than a week back into recovery, my attitude is optimistic, and I'm open about what happened, working on changing what I need to change, and working on cleaning up the wreckage (which, as I mentioned in a previous post, is relatively minimal and eased greatly by my awesome support system). The reason is is that I've learned remorse does nobody and nothing any good. Looking down at the ground and shuffling my feet is not conducive to recovery. Looking people in the eye and walking and talking like the dignified human being that I am is conducive to recovery.

Here I will mention that I was in despair, and needed assistance getting out of that despair. I needed a hand up, if you will. But it's so important to get upright after a relapse as soon as possible, because in a state of despair and remorse, it's so much easier to stay in relapse.

When I was leaving the hospital, they asked me if I needed a taxicab, and I said, "No, I'll walk." The nurse practically pushed a ride on me, and I informed her that I lived within walking distance of the hospital, and the walk would do me good. And I do, and it did. You see, part of my despair and remorse is that I want to hide; however, on my 20 minute walk home from the hospital I had the opportunity to get fresh air, get exercise, walk with my head up, and be seen. 

I'm remembering again right now the experience in first grade when my teacher instructed me to stand in the corner and not turn around, that nobody wanted to see my face (this was for some long-forgotten crime). So whenever I stand up and let people see me for who I am, I am in defiance of that ill-informed teacher, and it makes me feel good. Stand in the corner yourself, you old witch.

Anyway, then, to me, the first step in re-entering recovery (after putting down the substance and letting the mental health symptoms abate enough) is to avoid self-stigma and to get back up and back into life as quickly as possible. If somebody doesn't like that I'm happy and smiling, then they don't like it and it's their problem, not mine. I may still self-abuse in various ways, but gone are the days when I self-abuse for anyone else's benefit - and shaming myself is self-abuse.

It's important to mention that I do not do this without support and guidance. Since my brain is still a bit addled, I don't always see my priorities clearly, and I need assistance with sorting things out. Even though I'm holding my head high, there is still a good bit of anxiety that I have to deal with, and getting overwhelmed is a very real possibility. I want to avoid getting overwhelmed, as that can lead me back to relapse.

I want here that yes, I lost my jobs, yes, I lost money, yes, I almost lost my life. I want to add here, too, that yes, I'm still breathing, yes, there's always hope, and yes, I'm learning and growing from my experience and hopefully helping others.

The next lesson will be about putting recovery first, the challenges, and what happens when I begin putting other things before my recovery.

Namasté,

Ken

Ending the Shame Game

One of the things I know from this relapse is that I still have shame within me. I believe that anyone who is free from shame is also free from the desire, or even the ability, to purposely hurt themselves. For a quick reminder, the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is feeling remorse for something I've done, and shame is feeling remorse for who I am. Guilt I can do something about - own up, apologize, and make amends. Shame is a bit more involved - it involves revisiting and healing old wounds that keep re-wounding themselves. Shame is about healing the trauma that happened to us, usually at a young age, or refuting the lies that were told to us about who we are, also usually at a young age. Shame is usually encapsulated, for protection, in a false identity that we portray to the world.

Once shame is discovered, or uncovered, getting rid of it, for me anyway, involves refuting it every time it comes up. For some of us, this can be dozens of times a day. For instance, a very common symptom of shame is the belief that I'm not good enough. I feel I'm not good enough often, but not as much as I used to. I am fortunate in that I have tons of evidence to refute the idea that I am not good enough, and I use that evidence to birth a new, more skillful belief, that - nope, not that I'm good enough, but -  I AM ENOUGH. I take out the word good because that has subjective judgment on it, and I need an unassailable belief.

Related to I'm not good enough is I'm not deserving of love. This has been for me a much tougher shame belief to refute, although, again, I have tons of evidence to the contrary. Again, the belief must be hammered at every time it comes into my consciousness, but, I think with this one, it also must be acted upon. Not only must I see that there are a lot of people who love and care for me (and there are), I must not question it; just accept it. However, accepting it also means intimacy, and that is very scary (I'm talking emotional intimacy here). I must be vulnerable, which means that I might get hurt. I know today that I still avoid intimacy. I'm happy to open up to others and let them get to know me, but only the parts with which I'm comfortable. And in this game of eliminating shame, we each individually know deep down inside which areas need to be opened. For instance, I'm an incredibly open person with my recovery and a lot of my past, but there are areas that I still protect. One might think that in this blog that I bare all, when the truth is that I'm still wearing quite a bit of underwear. So I think courage is required to eliminate shame.

It's a process, not done overnight. There are other methods for eliminating shame, all done with professionals. I won't go into them here.

What about the shame of living with a couple of brain conditions? (A friend of mine recently talked to me about not liking the term mental illness; I think it still has its place, but sometimes brain condition or brain disorder is more descriptive). 

Vince Lombardi, the late great coach of the Green Bay Packers, said, "I don't care how many times you fall; I care about how many times you get back up."

There can be a lot of shame in relapse, but there doesn't have to be. Shame in mental unwellness and addiction/alcoholism kills. There are programs which expect 100% sobriety - it's very difficult for a person who experiences a relapse to go back to a program where physical sobriety is the most important aspect of sobriety. There's always that spectre of failure, and - did you guess it? - I'm not good enough. It really sucks when one has hit bottom and joined a group of drunks, and then can't measure up to that group. Many people who relapse do not make it back for that reason, and end up dying from their disease. Often more wreckage is created before they go.

In order to not acquire more shame for living with 2 brain disorders, I have made my recovery my own. It doesn't belong to anybody else - it's my business. Remember one of SAMHSA's principles of recovery? That it is individual - I get to define what my recovery looks like. This doesn't mean that I don't utilize all the resources I can, or that I don't desire complete mental and physical health. What it does mean, for me, is that I give myself a break, and don't add injury to insult by shaming myself for being human, and for having a recovery program that isn't perfect, but evolving. I allow people their opinions, and if somebody doesn't like the way I live my recovery, they're free to look the other way.

And what this really means is that I can bounce back into recovery with relatively minimal damage. I don't have to stay 'out there' for 6 months or a year until my health is ruined, my brain is wet, or I die. I can feel the pain of relapse and do what I need to do to get better as soon as possible without worrying (too much) about what anybody else thinks.

I stayed a few days in a hospital recuperating where I used to share Stories of Hope - sharing my recovery with others. It wasn't easy, but it was doable, and I'm glad I did it. That's one secret I don't have to bear. It can be about achieving 100% sobriety for the rest of our lives, but, for some of us, maybe for the majority of us who live with this disease, or live with co-occurring conditions, it's just not really in the cards. And this doesn't mean that I plan or look forward to my next relapse - I certainly hope and will work for that there isn't a next time. But there may be.

The Universe told me that I'm a lot more effective a servant if I'm alive rather than dead, and that my life, no matter how imperfect, can and does make a positive difference in the lives of others.

And so does yours. If you happen to live with a brain condition, mental health disorder, alcoholism and/or addiction, and are finding the road rough, please don't judge yourself. Utilize every resource available and do the best you can. You are special, valued, and loved, and you and your life does have purpose. Release the shame - it's an unnecessary rock.

Namasté, 

Ken

Home Again

I'm home again, at my regular place of residence. It feels good, which is a good thing to me - it really sucks for someone to get out of the hospital and not have a safe place to stay. I have a safe place to stay, and I am surrounded by friends. I am rich.

I have been in relapse for most of the last month, meaning I have been dangerously symptomatic, meaning I have been suicidal and drinking. Today, gratefully, I am in recovery.

In the posts moving forward, I will continue to write about my experiences, as I have been. I will continue to use my experience in both mental wellness and mental illness, still with the emphasis on mental wellness. I won't apologize to anyone, except to those I hurt during my relapse. Thankfully, this time, those are relatively few.

What I have learned so far from this period in my life is that I cannot afford to hang onto anything, no matter how innocuous, no matter 'where' in my recovery I think I am. (I'm beginning to see that the 'where' I am in my recovery is, or ought to be, 'now'.) Basically I wasn't sharing something that was bothering me. It wasn't anything major (or was it?); it was somewhat embarrassing, to me. However, when I finally did talk about it with others, it didn't seem like something that I might be embarrassed about. It was just a fairly normal situation that I got myself into that bothered me that I didn't know how to handle. The situation itself hasn't been resolved yet*, but at least I'm not alone with it anymore.

Although I finally felt better yesterday, and the day before, inside I still wasn't sure that I wanted to carry on. As a matter of fact, I really didn't, and I asked Source or the Universe to be relieved of my duties in this lifetime. I wasn't going to do anything to end my life, but if I dropped dead of an aneurysm or something, I wasn't going to complain. That sounds crazy, because it is. 

But as I write this today, after being home awhile, I am willing to carry on and see where the Universe takes me. One of my personal goals is to fall in love with life, which seems like a tall order since she can be such an ugly bitch sometimes. But I will work toward allowing myself to be open to it; after all, plenty of others do love her, so she must have some overriding good qualities that maybe I'm missing.

So, here I am, carrying on.

*The situation has been resolved in God's mind; I still need to make myself open to whatever the resolution is, and when that happens, the resolution will manifest. That's a basic spiritual principle.

For all of you who have reached out and prayed and sent healing energy and thoughts my way, I am deeply grateful. Thank you.

Namasté,

Ken

Did Anyone Ever Tell You It's Ok?

Did Anyone Ever Tell You:
It's ok to hurt without knowing why?
It's ok to cry in my arms for as long as you need?
It's ok to feel?
It's ok to not know?
It's ok to be a (man, boy, woman, girl)?
It really is ok to feel overwhelmed?
It's ok to curse?
It's ok to feel unsure?
It's ok to play?
It's ok to be angry?
It's ok to be sad?
It's ok to believe?
It's ok to not believe?
It's ok to break something?
It's ok to hurt someone (as long as you make amends)?
It's ok to disagree with me?
It really is ok to cry (for any reason)?
It's ok to say "no"?
It's ok to ...
I want to write "It's ok to fuck up once in a while" but in the interest of propriety I won't.
Just curious...

Namasté, 

Ken

Making a Difference - Part II

As some of you know, I'm struggling right now - struggling with sobriety, and struggling with staying alive. I'm not going to go into the gory details in this post - as I've demonstrated in most posts, I hope, the message is  more important. The mechanics of recovery can be picked up in a few simple easy lessons, if we're willing.  Much more, to me, is what these are about - what they teach us about resilience, love, and learning, and especially how to let the God in us shine through, even when we think we're buried 10 feet beneath us in the shit.

Because the whole story, in anybody's story, is how to let the God shine through. And some days are more challenging than others!

(By the way, if you are not religiously inclined, and that really is ok, substitute the word God in the paragraphs above with Source, Force, Universe, Jesus. Creative Presence, Zach - because, in the end, the name we attach to that with fills our life with Good is less important than recognizing the force Itself. Yugo. Whatever).

So, I have been going through a tough time. Will I live? Probably, but at this point I have some very valid doubts. I might die. I hurt all over, I'm sick all over, and, at times, I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR THIS LONG. The reason I'm not afraid to say this is  that I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. This, though I'd like it to be, is not an uncommon feeling. Many  alcoholics/addicts and people in mental health recovery have felt or are feeling this.  My deal is that I'm one of the folks willing to talk about it.

Many of us who have grown up in 12-Step recovery programs have been taught that if you gain a certain simple attitude and follow these very simple instructions, you will gain "Sobriety" for the rest or your days of conscious existence. And it's true! Unless, of course, you have co-occurring conditions, or, the white-bread world of the founders of 12-Step programs doesn't apply to you, or you have something else going on besides pure alcoholism/addiction.

Listen (read) closely, because this might save your life or someone else's: There are as many ways to recover from substance use disorder and/or mental health disorders as there are people who have them. I can't, and would not want to, count up the number of needless deaths from people who have been taught and believed otherwise.

It's really possible that I'm trying to save my own life in writing this; perhaps I am, and maybe that's ok. If it's not, God, or the Universe, or Luke and his Force will let me know.

Recovery is individual. It's wonderful - very much so, if you drank for 20 years. stayed sober for 40 years, and died peacefully in your sleep. That isn't everybody's path, and, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

Recovery looks different for everybody. Even for those in a 12-Step recovery program. It would be really, really cool if this weren't the case, but it just doesn't seem to be so. Seemingly, there are as many recovery programs as there are people needing them. That's a big shocker, aintso? Seems to be the case, though.

Here's why I'm writing this: I am really, really done with running with the idea that people in need of recovery need one program - I've seen that kill people. I really have.

I think it would be really helpful for people in the recovery to start looking at recovery as more than an "all or nothing" type of thing. I think we might find more people experiencing recovery as a result.

And isn't that the goal? Or shouldn't it be?  I believe more now than ever in the support aspect of recovery. Getting to know a person, and finding out what they want their recovery to look like. Surprisingly enough, that's SAMSHA's idea as well.

Here's the bottom line: If I die tonight, (or this morning, by now), I die. Will I be considered a loser, because I did not have 35 years of so or recovery? Or will the things that I did while I was striving for recovery count? Let's face it, I'm going to take my consciousness with me, so whether I'm a complete loser or a complete success (or somewhere in between) are pretty much up to me. But shouldn't I (or we) offer others the same opportunity?

The very, very most important thing to do is to hang in there, because in so doing, you (and I) give the next person the opportunity to recover.

Namasté, 

Ken

Making A Difference

I've just returned from a two-week vacation in Japan. It's been a while since I've been on vacation, and it was quite the experience. There's a whole lot I could write about my vacation experience, but, I am compelled today to write about two men who are heroes of mine.

On the plane ride back from Japan, I had the opportunity to watch a documentary on Robin Williams. I cried so much, and even as I write this, I'm crying. Robin Williams touched the lives of so many in a positive way, yet he had his difficulties. I suppose that's an understatement. Nobody who had achieved a life of honor and achievement has not had their difficulties. Life is difficult - those who embrace the difficulty of life and live through it are the ones we who we look up to - the ones whom we think of when times are rough, the ones we think of with admiration. The ones who give us the whatever it takes to keep going sometimes.

Robin, though incredibly talented, and born to a well-off family, did not lead the picture-perfect life. He lived through 3 marriages and difficulties with substance use. Ultimately, it was a brain disease that took his life; his most cherished organ (or maybe 2nd cherished, if you listen to his comedy) was ultimately his demise. Isn't that the way it goes sometimes. Yet he made millions of us laugh and cry and feel. Here was a person who lived life to the fullest - the good, the great, the bad, the sometimes ugly - he was there for it. Not a perfect person, by any means, but one who hung in there, and entertained us all while doing so (I have a soft spot in my heart for entertainers).

The other is Wayne Dyer. Here was a man who grew up fatherless, yet did not let that stand in the way of his advancement. In many ways, the way he grew up propelled him toward success. Wayne, like Robin, I think, was a seeker. And Wayne also made his life quite public, through his writing and his speaking. He led his life unashamedly, knowing that life, his life, any life, is a process of growing and discovery. One can see his growth by reading the books he published. Like Robin, too, Wayne grappled with his own inner demons. There was a certain sense of ego that one could see in Dr. Dyer with which he must have struggled with often. People who are in the public eye seem to have evident egos, with which they either do well or not. I think Wayne handled his pretty well.

These gentlemen are my heroes because their lives were an open book. There wasn't a lot of pretense. Both of these men treated others who they didn't know well the same as they would treat their best friend. I think both of them had a certain humility - humility being the knowing of one's rightful place in the scheme of things. Both lived from the heart, and both shared their lives pretty openly. Both were men I could trust to tell me the truth, each in their own way. 

Both men, through living their lives with purpose, helped to change the lives of others.  I think that right there is the definition of a good person. They made a real difference in the lives of those around them.

I think we all need people to whom we can look up to. And it doesn't necessarily make a difference whether those we look up to are famous or not - I think it's just that we recognize somebody whose life made a difference in our own - somebody who makes us cry when we think of them, or somebody whom we're grateful that they were around for us. 

I don't know that either of these men desired fame in their lives. I believe that both lived from their hearts, and that's what I recognize most in the people who help me to live well. I am blessed that I have heroes in my life, both famous and unknown, whose presence make me want to live better - to live a life that leaves a positive imprint. I aspire to that.

Namasté,

Ken

No Comparison

One of the common threads of addiction and mental/emotional unwellness is the belief that we are less-than; that, as we are, we aren't enough and probably never will be. I don't know if this false belief is the chicken or the egg, but once it's deeply rooted, it feeds on itself and proves itself over and over again. It is essential to my recovery that I reverse this belief. 

Last night I met with a group of people to do a little spiritual exploring. I had only met one person in this group once before; I had never consciously met the other 6 people there. There were a lot of notable things that happened last night, but for the purposes of this post, I'm going to focus on this: Even though I didn't really know these folks, and even though I didn't know exactly what we'd be doing, I felt totally comfortable and at home among them. I will note that nobody asked me who I was, why was I there, where I was from, what I did for work, how old I was, if I was single or married, if I was in recovery, or any of that. I was among a group of people for whom those things don't matter, and they didn't matter to me, either. 

So, today I recognize that by being myself, and not trying to be anybody else, I am led to situations and people that are right for me. This is a big turnaround for me, and relatively recent. It's awesome because I've spent most of my life trying (and failing) to measure up to people around me. There is a great sense of freedom and serenity in not having to measure up.

I grew up with the belief that I was pretty useless, and would never measure up. Looking back, I can see the biggest error of my ways was that I never shared with others what I thought about myself or how I felt inside - therefore, I never received any arguments to my thinking, and I didn't realize it was flawed thinking. And I reinforced my thinking every step of the way. I remember very well being about 5 or 6 and looking at my brother's or sister's mathematics book, not understanding it a bit, and feeling stupid and thinking, "I'll never be able to do that." Which became the truth - I never did master algebra; however, most 6 year old children do not have a grasp on algebra - I was comparing myself to people who had lived twice as long as I had, and feeling bad because I didn't measure up. I look back on that today, and I'm like, "Doh!" But it was very real to me. And so it continued - I compared myself to those around me, and even in my age group I was never the smartest, cutest, brightest, fastest, strongest, nicest, funniest. Never!

And the incredibly sad part is I was also never the best me I could be, because I was always trying to be like somebody else. 

Five years ago around this time, I understood that if I were to live, I'd have to learn to be authentic. What does that mean? What does that look like? At it's very core, being authentic means I am unashamedly myself. I stop apologizing for who I am. (Please note that I still apologize when I wrong or hurt someone). I stop shaming myself when someone else doesn't think I measure up. I begin to put into practice the idea that I was created with my unique set of gifts for a reason, and I stop trying to justify myself  or my existence to myself or to others. I begin following a path that feels right inside. I begin releasing the expectations that I think others have put on me. 

And this is an important point, and the one that I drive home with myself and those with whom I work: Even though I was given a certain set of expectations by the society and family in which I was raised, in the end, it is my responsibility to listen to my inner guide, my higher self, and follow Its guidance. I begin to find out what brings me joy and peace, and put more attention on doing those things and becoming the same person on the outside that I am on the inside. 

It means moving into alignment - with God, if you will, or my higher self, or my conscience. Finding this alignment, this peace with who I really am, is essential to my recovery - when I am at peace with how I'm showing up in the world, I  don't find it necessary to drink alcohol or use drugs. There is no inner conflict that needs to be quelled; if I want to change my mood, I do it by placing my attention on what makes me feel the way we want to feel.

One of the great benefits of allowing myself to be me is that I begin to allow others to be themselves as well. I drop the comparisons. I stop assuming I know what is best for you. Even better, I become more concerned with getting to know your insides rather than your outsides. The Truth begins to take on more importance than the illusion. And I'm not very concerned with how you view me.

Life is less frustrating for me today, more enjoyable, more peaceful, more real, more purposeful. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Namasté,

Ken

Riding the Wave

It's been raining a lot lately, and communities in the region are experiencing flooding. If I find myself in a body of water that wasn't there before, or really any body of water, I've got a few choices. The easiest one, of course, is to let the water overwhelm me and drown. Another choice might be to thrash around and yell until somebody notices me and rescues me. Another might be just to sit or stand where I am and hope the water subsides or a rescue boat floats by. And perhaps a fourth choice would be to learn to swim - to understand that perhaps I can work with the water that surrounds me, use it to lift me up and maybe even carry me to dry land. 

I mention this because I consciously tried something a little different today while at work. I came in to work today with my agenda of things I wanted to do, knowing full well that it was unlikely to go exactly as I wanted it to go. And, sure enough, today, for some reason, I was flooded with urgent calls that had nothing to do with what I planned to do. Part of my job is to take care of the callers, so that's what was mine to do. Really every time I got a call today, the phone would ring again halfway through the call with someone else needing assistance - they'd leave a message (or not, bless their heart), and I'd call back to assist them. And I log all of my calls too, so there's time used for that.

For those of us in recovery, stuff like this can throw us. Probably for everybody, but those of us in recovery need to be able to get back to some equilibrium - stress is something that needs attention so that we don't become symptomatic. Now, I don't freak out over lots of unexpected stuff to do, but it has in the past drained me quite a bit, and sometimes irritated me and lowered my emotional state. 

I've been learning lately to put my emotional state - my 'vibe', as it were - first. That sounds counterproductive - isn't that what I did when I was actively using alcohol? Isn't that self-centered? Not when done properly with the right intention.

First of all, how am I viewing the flood? I learned early in recovery that what works best is to take things as they come, and not judge them as good or bad. Floods have their purpose, and, while not necessarily pleasant, they can have value. In other words, this is what is in front of me and it is mine to do - no bitching, whining, or trying to run away from it. I've had to re-learn this throughout recovery, because as I gain more stability and confidence and my skills sharpen, I'm prone to begin to believe again that I actually know what I'm doing and can run my own show. In other words, ego begins to grow. So I'm reminded as the waters rise that it's time for me to set aside what I wanted to do and take care of the business at hand as best I can. 

One of the things I just thought of is that I have a 'reject' button on my phone that, when pressed, sends an incoming call right to voice mail. I'm grateful I didn't even think of doing that.

Anyway, as I'm taking care of this 'extra' business, I can feel the stress level in my body rise. A few months ago, I posted a video that talked about how stress can actually be beneficial when viewed and responded to correctly. So today, being conscious of my stress along with the direction my feeling state was headed, I was able to take some action to turn today's flood into a good experience, and the action I took was purely mental - all I did was instead of inwardly complaining about the calls and worrying whether I'd get 'my' stuff done, was I changed my attitude.

Everything is energy. We don't necessarily see it, but it is. So I had this unexpected energy coming at me today. My choices were to resist it as much as possible, escape it somehow, or, ride the wave of energy. When we resist, we're using our own energy to push against something, and we deplete ourselves. When I escape, I may save my energy, but I lower my emotional feeling state, and that can cause me to do negative things later on. If I can ride the energy coming at me, I can get through it until it dissipates, and not lose my own energy or my emotional well-being. Although I'm not a practitioner of the martial arts, I think that that's the same thing martial artists do. Be ok with the wave and just ride it.

Today is the first time I've intentionally done this, and it really worked well. Notice the wave, keep my emotional state 'above water' by not judging the wave, ride it and do what I have to do with it, and move on. And give thanks for the wherewithal to handle what comes my way.

One of the things to remember, I think, is when the wave is over, stop riding it. I handled all the calls and requests; the people who called have stuff to do on their end, but now it's theirs; I don't have to concern myself with it, and I can go back to doing what I was doing.

I'm really grateful for today's lesson.

Namasté,

Ken