Personal responsibility is one of my most important ideals. Please note that an ideal is like a target - I practice personal responsibility, but I'm far from perfect. I do not believe that I can achieve healthy, long term physical and emotional sobriety and good mental (and physical!) health without personal responsibility. As I quoted in an earlier posts, victims don't stay sober.
I used to say to a lot of situations that came up in my life, "God, I don't need this shit!" I have since come to believe that those situations were exactly the ones I did need, even though they seemed to interfere with MY plans.
Some years back, I studied a bit about Edgar Cayce, termed the "Sleeping Prophet". He would go into trances and help people heal from all sorts of issues by contacting The Source. What I learned is that we come to this plane of existence with some sort of purpose, and we are set up in our lifetime to fulfill this purpose. It's a win-win sort of thing if I can figure out what my purpose is and let it happen. Edgar also said that we can make other choices, and go other directions, but that we do have a definite purpose.
My belief today, and I've heard others intimate this, is that I came into this lifetime with a purpose, a framework of sorts, that I've agreed to do. This relies on the theory that in the beginning, there was God (Source), and that was it - nothing else. God wanted to know itself, but since God was all there was, it was impossible. So, God created - beings and planets and stuff that were God-like, but not exactly God. In other words, in order for God to know itself, it had to know not-God. God wants to experience itself in all of its glory, so it creates beings (us) that are conscious, but don't necessarily know that we are connected with Spirit (and with each other). As we grow in awareness of our God aspects, we create and live and give, and that's what we see going on all around us - humanity remembering who it is. (To me, it makes a lot more sense than a fall from grace and vicarious atonement through blood sacrifice. That never sat very well with me).
A lot of times now when I'm going through something that I find unpleasant, or I don't really want to do, I say, "God, I asked for this?" and I imagine God smiling and saying, "yep, you did!" What this does for me is that it tells me that it's all good - that whatever I'm experiencing is ok, and will turn out fine. What this way to believe does for me is it makes all that I've experienced in this lifetime meaningful - not necessarily understandable, but meaningful. It also gives me hope that I can learn and grow. It would be a very cruel and unusual God that would make Its beloved go thru several useless cycles of recovery and relapse and then die from alcoholism and depression. What a waste!
So, why explain the way I look at the Universe? Because it explains how I try to look at life, and my place in it, and my relationship to others (we're all connected - even the people I don't like). And it's the best way I've discovered (or remembered) to deal with the things in life that I don't like, or don't think are fair, and get through it all not only with dignity and grace, but also successfully. At least if you look at my definition of success. And lastly, because it's important to know in order to read my next post.
Namaste,
Ken
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
In This Moment...
In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
I Am Enough
There may already be a post about this, but this is one of those things that I can probably work on forever. I was introduced to this concept over 20 years ago, and have yet to fully swallow and digest. What it basically is is that by virtue of the fact that we are here, we are worthwhile. We are all children of One Loving Creator, and therefore we are all made from good stuff, connected to the Creator and connected to each other.
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
Friday, July 15, 2016
3 Days
I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April.
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
Speak Up
I get much of my inspiration from Science of Mind, the monthly magazine put out by Religious Science, one of the prevalent New Thought philosophies/ways of looking at God/life. The following is an excerpt, taken from the July 15, 2016, daily guide written by the Rev. Dr. Judy Morley. This month's daily guide emphasis is on Freedom, and I thought I'd share today's reading:
Speak Up
The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson
Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.
In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.
Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.
If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].
Affirmation
I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,
Ken
Speak Up
The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson
Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.
In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.
Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.
If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].
Affirmation
I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,
Ken
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