The Purpose of this Blog

When I started this blog, I think I wrote about what my intention was, but since I've deleted this blog twice, what I wrote about that is gone. The purpose of this blog is really two-fold: it is a vehicle for me to do one of the things I love to do (write), and it is a journal of discovery - I am in the process of discovering how to integrate my spirituality with my humanity in order to live a purposeful, inspired life. I suppose that sounds a bit lofty, but I've been told that if I can dream it, I can achieve it.
I've had difficulty my entire life with being me. At various points in my life, I learned work-arounds to remedy that difficulty. I learned how to people please, which seemed to make life easier. I discovered that alcohol and drugs worked for a while to cover the crappy way I felt about myself and life. I discovered perfectionism and approval seeking in order to avoid taking an honest look at who I am and what I'm about. All of that stuff would have been great if it had worked in the long term, but it didn't. I came to the place (some call it the 'jumping off place') where I could no longer live with myself at all, and I had a choice - change or die. And really, the change isn't about changing Me - it's about changing and removing the things I've become - the things that cover up the real Me. There is inside some perfect idea of Ken that my Creator imagined, and that is what I am endeavoring to move toward. To do that, I have to believe and accept that a worthwhile Me exists. Many years ago I heard a priest share how in taking a fearless and honest look within in an effort to find himself, he had found himself and he had found God. His message has never left me (and, trust me, over the years a lot of stuff has left me).
So that's what it's about for me - this Divine Human experience - my challenges and experiences on the journey of acceptance of my humanity and my spirituality. It's an exploration, and a lot of it has to do with recovery from addiction and depression, and a lot of it will have to do with learning how to discover and express who I am inside.
Namasté,
Ken

 

 

Namasté

I end my posts with the word namasté, and it occurred to me today that I might want to explain it a bit. Namasté is a Sanskrit word and it is used as a greeting. It's a little word that can carry a lot of meaning. Roughly translated, it means the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.
It really can be more than a greeting between people on the spiritual path. It is a recognition of the connection every living being has with the Creator, and, moreover, it is a recognition of my connection with you.
Part of the human experience is recognizing our differences. On a very human level, we're all very different. We're different genders, colors, sizes, and shapes. We have different languages, belief systems, and customs. We eat different foods and enjoy and dislike different things. When looked at at a strictly human level, life can be a pretty lonely place.
When looked at through the spiritual lens, it becomes a bit of a paradox. We can see that no two individuals are exactly alike, yet we all come from the same idea in the Divine Mind. We are all expressions of Spirit, each of us expressing Spirit in our own unique way.
Namasté allows me to see our differences with an understanding that it is all good - it is a level of acceptance that says our Creator made each of us, and if you are ok by God, then I'll let you be ok by me, too. Namasté allows me to drop the judgment, to recognize your unique attributes as gifts, not defects. It allows me to explore your experience with a sense of wonder rather than a sense of fear. And by the same token, it allows me to be who I am in that moment, too.
We are all God's children on a path leading back to God. When I recognize this, life becomes richer - I find myself surrounded by the infinite number of ways in which our Creator shows up.
Today I can use namasté not only in my writing and greeting of like-minded people, but also in silently greeting everyone I meet, either physically or in my consciousness. This practice helps me grow in understanding that, no matter what appearances are, we are all led by the same loving Creator and all of our experiences and gifts are valuable.
Namasté,
Ken
 

Higher Power(s)

I may have written about this before, but the topic always bears revisiting.  In recovery, we speak of (and hopefully take action on) the necessity of having a power greater than ourselves in our life in order to maintain freedom from our addiction. When I look back on my life experience, I can see the people and things I’ve allowed to be my higher powers. It is important for me to acknowledge, understand, and accept that I’ve allowed different people and institutions to guide and support me. It’s important for me to know that the desire to have something in my life that is more powerful than me is a basic component of me – in other words, I am always seeking a higher power, at some level, whether or not I’m aware of it. It is that desire for safety, security, connection, and purpose that is a basic component of being human.

So as I said, I’ve experienced a variety of higher powers. As human beings, our very first higher power(s) are those people who sustain our lives, and in my case it was my parents, my brother and sister, and my extended family. Then school entered the picture, and it became a higher power. It was not a higher power that I enjoyed at all. God was there, too, but God wasn’t too much of a higher power to me then – it was just something to learn about on Sundays, and, for the most part, I found the subject boring and remote. It just didn’t have much meaning for me.

Then I discovered Alcohol. Now there’s a Higher Power! I began to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I understood the word serenity, and I thought I knew peace. Feelings of uselessness and self-pity, which heretofore had been predominant in my life, disappeared. When drinking, I wasn’t afraid of people, and actually enjoyed company. My whole attitude and outlook upon life changed when I discovered Alcohol. I suddenly knew what I was doing, and I realized that Alcohol did for me all the things that I couldn’t seem to do for myself. Alcohol gave my life purpose, meaning, and joy.

If alcohol still did for me today what it did for me nearly 40 years ago, I would still be drinking today. But it stopped working. It actually stopped working long before I recognized that it no longer worked. And that’s part of the disease of alcoholism for me – I still remember when it once worked, and it is an embedded memory. That’s also why I need to continue to work a program of recovery, no matter how long I’m able to live a reasonably happy and successful life without alcohol – because my brain knows what alcohol once did positively for me, yet seems to fairly easily forget all the crap that went along with it.

So, alcohol was my higher power for a long time after it stopped being a benevolent higher power. And along the way, I’ve had other higher powers – girlfriends, wives, jobs, the State of Kansas, the State of Wisconsin, money, churches, philosophies, doctors, counselors – the list can go on and on. I’ve even suffered a few times under the delusion that in and of myself I possess everything I need to be my own higher power. In that state, my feelings become my higher power, and, because I also experience depression, negative feelings become my higher power and I become very self-destructive. I’ve had a lot of higher power experience.

I started working at a new job about 6 weeks ago, and I love it. I’m fairly good at what I’m doing, it’s indoor work, I work with a really good group of people, I get paid and I get good benefits. I’ve always enjoyed jobs that I’ve enjoyed, because there’s 8 or more hours out of each day where I actually feel like I know what I’m doing. The rest of my life is often filled with questions and confusion, and work can be a respite from the uncertainty of life. I know what is expected of me and I do it. Pretty simple.

Here’s a good spot for my definition of a higher power – a higher power is whatever or whomever I think about most and whatever or whomever I invest most of my energy into to maintain my relationship with it.

My new job was becoming my higher power. How can I tell? I was investing less time and, more importantly, less energy, in other things in my life – my recovery meetings, my prayer life, my exercise, my home, my friends, and my writing, just to name a few. All of the aforementioned stuff are the things in my life that brought me to a place where it was possible for me to obtain the job I have today.

I will note here that if what I’m doing for a living matches my purpose in life, then there’s nothing wrong with having my job as a higher power. But I’m not there yet. Few people are fortunate enough to be living their life’s purpose 24/7/365.

I am fortunate in that I can see a little bit better than I used to see. I can see that the warm fuzzies I get from going into work now probably won’t last forever, and that it would be good for me to continue practicing the other things in my life that also give me good purpose, meaning, and direction. I can see that I have a tendency (probably an understatement) to look for the one thing that will make life ok for me – like I did with alcohol, and like I’ve tried to do with relationships. So when one thing becomes so important to me that I lose sight of other good things, that raises a warning flag for me.

I have difficulty naming my real Higher Power for two reasons – the first is that my Higher Power shows up all over the place – in nature, in people, in situations, in times of quiet contemplation, in chaos, in times of joy and in times of pain. The second reason it’s hard for me to name my real Higher Power is that in naming something, I limit it. Definitions, by definition, limit something – they describe what it is, and what it isn’t. So most of the time I call my Higher Power God, but I also call It Life, Source, the Universe, Love. And, actually, there’s a third reason for not naming my Higher Power, and it’s related to the first two – I do not understand my Higher Power, and I do not want to understand my Higher Power, because the second I understand my Higher Power is the second It no longer is Higher to me. All I know is that God is greater and grander than anything or anyone that tries to explain It (me included) and will manifest Itself in ways yet unseen. All I need to know is that there is a process (of which I am mostly unaware) that sustains life, and that I am a part of that process and a part of life. All I need to do is to do my best to cooperate with that process.

I cooperate with that process by staying sober, praying, meditating, taking care of my physical self, taking care of my mental/emotional self, facing my responsibilities, participating in friendships, and giving out what has been given to me, all the while understanding that what is important is the process, not the results. Results are temporary and fade away, but what is always ongoing is the process, or life, Itself.

Thank you for being part of the process!

Namasté,

Ken

Proving Ourselves vs. Self Esteem

Dear Reader(s),
I receive a daily email containing various recovery readings, and the following was included in today's email. It really touched me, so I am reposting it here. If you would like to receive daily recovery readings in your email, send an email to lambchopp@gmail.com requesting to be put on the list.

"Long after a bitter failure, some of us still cling to the hope that we can erase the defeat in some spectacular way. One dream is to “prove ourselves” to those who scorned us or put us down. This never really works, even when we do become winners at some later time. For one thing, we may be proving ourselves to people who never will like us. If we are striving to show others that we can succeed, we are still dancing to their tune. We are accepting their idea of what success should be. [emphasis added]
Many of us failed simply because we were alcoholics and could do no better. We might have destroyed opportunities that will never rise again. But by finding sobriety, we may already have proved ourselves to those who really count in our lives...... Including ourselves."
Source: Walk in Dry Places, Hazelden Publishing, 1996.
Namasté,
Ken    

Living the Process

I was reminded this morning while texting a friend about something that is very important to my recovery (which includes my physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual well-being) and that is that I must keep my focus on the process, not the product. What I wrote to my friend (and essentially myself) was this: "I have to remind myself often that life for me is about process, not product. It's really nice when things turn out the way I want them to, but if I base my attitude about myself and life on my expectations, I'm setting myself up for disappointment."
During my lifetime, I've had two failed marriages, three unsuccessful stabs at higher education, a plethora of jobs that seemed to go nowhere, 22 vehicles, none of which I have today, and a host of other un-success stories. To say that things have not turned out the way I wanted is a huge understatement. Yet today, in this moment, I am happy, and I feel useful, and I feel optimistic about this day. Additionally, I have people in my life who love and support me, and who think I'm an ok guy and that my life is worthwhile. So how can a miserable failure be happy and feel useful? Am I nuts? Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with it. It's all about attitude, and my attitude today is 'what can I put into this day', rather than 'what am I going to get out of this day.'
When I base my life on what I think the results of my activities should be, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Many people, me included, believe (or used to believe) that success is about our bank account balances, the desirability of our spouse, the luxury of our homes and cars, the importance of our jobs or careers*, and the level of our education. And it isn't that that stuff doesn't matter; it does. It's just that what we have on the outside is tiny compared to what we are on the inside (Emerson). So, as I was going for all of those outer things, I was doing little to nothing to develop my insides.
*If you want to find out what the most important job is, see what happens when trash collectors go on strike.
Additionally, I need to know that it's ok if not everything I touch turns to gold. Gold isn't the only elemental metal out there, and if it were, our lives would actually be a lot poorer. Gold has its purpose, but so does platinum, zinc, copper, nickel, iron, titanium, and aluminum, just to mention a few. In other words, if I believe in a Higher Purpose underlying and guiding all things in the Universe, then I must believe that however things turn out is in alignment with that Higher Purpose. It's not always easy to believe that on a case by case basis, but when I look at where and how I've been, and where and how I am now, it's believable.
Not all of my moments are filled with this vision of being an accepting giver rather than a seeker and taker, but it's becoming more frequent. So what's my process today? Part of it is to expand my awareness that I am the child of a Loving Creator who has value and purpose, and part of it is to give away the love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, joy, enthusiasm, insight, and other great qualities that I find I've been given. So, in essence, my process today is to do my best to allow my Creator to live in me and through me in each and every situation in which I find myself, and to leave the results up to my Creator, trusting that I am always loved and always cared for. That's actually a big order, and I'm not going to do it perfectly today; however, if I can keep that idea in mind and heart and do my best with what I've got to follow it, then today will be a success. No matter what.
And I've heard that in order to ensure that my tomorrows are good, I should do the best with what I have today.
Namasté,

Ken    

Celebrating Sobriety

I noticed my last post was about health. This one is related as well. It seems that when one passes the 50 year mark, thoughts and conversations become more about health - what parts we've lost, what parts we've had replaced, which parts hurt when we wake up in the morning, and which parts still seem to be working just fine.
In sobriety, health becomes a main concern, too. I realize that, as I mentioned in the last post, I abused my body with alcohol and other drugs off and on for many years. Alcohol affects every organ in the body, so when one is earnestly seeking recovery from alcoholism, one also becomes concerned with repairing the other damage.
So the rest of the post has nothing to do with the introduction other than I visited the oral surgeon today to have two teeth removed that had become more problematic than helpful. Sort of like unwanted employees, I guess. Anyway, I had 3 choices of anesthesia - local (Novocain, which numbs any part into which it is injected), Novocain with nitrous oxide (laughing gas), or conscious sedation (what I had when I had my colonoscopy). I indicated on the paperwork that I wanted the conscious sedation. My reason was because I had no side effects - i.e., cravings - from that type of sedation. I did not want the nitrous oxide, because I have abused it in the past, and it is the closest in effect in my mind to drinking. The good doctor either didn't read my paperwork or didn't care, but he used only Novocain. I thought he was going to cut the teeth out, but he pulled them. My wonder is why I was sent to an oral surgeon to have something done that a regular dentist could have done. File under: Oh well, whatever.
One of the things I need to work on in my recovery is assertiveness. Some days are better than others. This was an 'other' day. I did not tell the oral surgeon that I didn't want any narcotic painkillers prescribed to me, so he did. My plan was that I would take the ibuprofen I have at home. That's still my plan. I told the pharmacist to only fill the antibiotic prescription, not the painkillers.
Here I had to think - to choose one option out of several that came to mind. I used to use opiate painkillers recreationally. I have never gotten addicted to them. Sometimes it was years between use, but I took opportunities when they presented themselves to use them to get high. Every time I did, I was in abstention from alcohol, but not necessarily what I would call sober.
So all of the old thoughts came back - do I want to catch an opiate buzz for a few days? Nobody would know. Then I thought of honesty, which I've been practicing rigorously for the last 4 months (by the way, I celebrated 4 months of sobriety yesterday). I go to my recovery groups, I have my spiritual mentor whom I talk with several times a week, I have a therapist, and lots of friends in recovery. These questions came to mind, "Do I really want to hide my use from all of these people? Can I stand the feelings that my dishonesty would generate? Is using worth it?"
Then, I got an even better thought - I've worked really, really hard for the past 4 months to stay sober and to get into recovery from depression. "Do I want to jeopardize the progress I've made?"
Then I made the realization that I've actually been feeling fairly consistently good for the past month or two. "Do I want or even need to change the way I'm feeling right now?" I recognized that I appreciate my sobriety and my mental/emotional health, and that feels good. It feels good to acknowledge that I can live life happily and successfully without the use of mood-altering chemicals. Something is going right today and I don't want to change it.
I'm grateful for this experience. It showed me what I truly have right now, and it showed me that I can make skillful choices. I am grateful to be in recovery, and I'm grateful for my life today. Four months ago, I could not have honestly said (or written) that.

Namasté,

Ken    

Celebrating Physical Health

Seeing as this blog is about coming to terms with being a spiritual being having a human experience, it makes sense (to me) to write about my physical health, in addition to my spiritual and mental/emotional health.
Yesterday, I experienced my very first colonoscopy. I don't remember the actual procedure at all, for which I'm grateful. The worst part of the whole process is the prep, and I didn't find it all that bad. Of course, I'm comparing it to some bouts of gastric distress I've had when I used to drink, and the gastric distress necessary for the colonoscopy doesn't come close. I found out after the procedure that I have no polyps whatsoever, but I do have diverticulosis (pockets in the large intestine that can become irritated or inflamed at times). I suspected the diverticulosis, and I treat it with a high-fiber diet, which seems to manage it pretty well.
I was very pleasantly surprised with the results - they were better than what I had imagined as a best-case scenario, and way better that my imagined worst-case scenario. I'm in pretty good health for a 53 year-old man, and I'm in very good health for all the crap I've put my body through over the years. So when I think about my nice, clean, colon, I feel good. And I'm thankful.
Here are some other physical things I'm grateful for: my eyesight (though not perfect, it's pretty good), my healthy heart, my healthy lungs, my healthy muscles, the ability to walk, the ability to ride my bike every day, the ability to hear, the ability to taste, the ability to still think reasonably well.
My tendency, and I don't think I'm alone, is, when something isn't physically quite right, to focus on what's wrong. Yesterday and today I realize that at any given time I'm 90-98% healthy - most stuff seems to be in working order. When I remember that, it feels good to be taking this journey in this body. When I forget it, the journey seems to suck.
So today I'm grateful for my body and all that it can do, and that gratitude helps me to take care of it by exercising it and feeding it well. Gratitude for my physical health is one more reason to stay clean and sober.
Humans are 3-part beings - body, mind, and spirit - and each part affects the other. I can't neglect one part, and hope that the other two stay healthy for long. So it's important to me to do something each day for the health of each of these parts - to feed my body well, my mind well, and my spirit well. All of those things are abundantly possible today, and I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken    

Envy

I was talking with my mentor last night, and it came up that I don't really have a real appreciation for who I am and all that I have. I understand that this attitude can be an impediment to my recovery, but I am unsure of how to develop a healthy appreciation for...me. And my life. My mentor didn't have a clear-cut answer either, and directed me to my Higher Power. Often when I am faced with something that seems unknown or impossible to me, I will ask God (the short name for my Higher Power) the question, "How?". How do I go about developing an appreciation for me, my life, and all that I have?
When I am truly open and receptive to the answer, I get answers in many different ways. Often God speaks to me through the people in my life. Sometimes God speaks to me through situations and events, or things I notice. Once in a while I get an intuitive thought that I don't know where it came from.
So here are the answers I received from my question:
My mentor has been in recovery for 12 years. Because he has been consistently applying spiritual principles to living, he has experienced the fruits of that. I was thinking about some of his material fruits, which include advancement in his career, a good relationship, a nice home, and two reliable cars. And that led me to think about a couple of my relatives, who also have all that stuff, and whom I envy. And that surprised me that I made that connection - I can't envy my mentor, can I? Envy is a form of resentment, and it is not good for my recovery, my mental health, nor my spiritual health.
One of my readings this morning talked about the idea that I can't receive gifts from God if my hands are full of resentments and other stuff from the past. In order to enjoy the abundance of blessings that surrounds me today, I need to be willing to let go of the 'stuff' of yesterday. 
This morning as I was riding my bike to a recovery meeting, I passed by an open air storage facility that I did not know existed. There were rows and rows of cars just sitting there parked. When I saw that, my thinking was, "What a waste. Those cars just sitting there, and me without a car." (Yes, a sense of entitlement goes along with my envy).
At the meeting, the topic was discovering our obstacles to our relationship with a Higher Power.
Ok, I get it. I can't get what I desire, both spiritually and materially, if I am focused on what other people seem to have spiritually and materially and think to myself, "Why can't/don't I have what others have?" Why is not a spiritual question; how is. How do I go about obtaining that which I desire (sobriety, sanity, peace of mind, stable employment that allows me to live comfortably, good relationships, etc.)?
I think the answer is in celebrating others' accomplishments and practicing gratitude for my own gifts and accomplishments, rather than focusing on what I think I don't have. I have a lot; I really, really do have a lot. But, up until now, I have been spending a lot of thought energy on what others have that I don't. It is time to celebrate what others have (for there is no 'private' good - we are all connected so what is good for you is good for me) and it is time for me to be truly grateful for the abundance of gifts that I have. Whatever I focus on grows and grows; if I focus on what I lack, my lack grows. If I focus on what I do have, that will grow.
Today I am grateful for the ability and willingness to see life in a new light.

Namasté,

Ken    

Into the Light

I realized recently (with the help of others around me) that I really don't have a lot of faith. I also realized recently that I don't seem to feel stress directly - I'll have several things going on in my life, and I may feel dragged down, or even overwhelmed, but I don't attribute my feeling toward any particular event or situation - I just feel weighed down. And I realized this morning that the lack of faith and not recognizing stress are related.
What made me realize that I ignore stress was the feeling of being weighed down last week after a period of feeling relatively upbeat and energetic. I began to analyze what was going on in my life - I'm looking for better employment (panning for gold is ok, but not really my thing), I'm looking for my next place to live, and I have two medical procedures coming up in September. I realized that these situations are stressful, and that I wasn't really recognizing the situations as such. I was doing what I usually do with stuff I don't want to face - I stick it somewhere where I don't see it so I don't have to acknowledge it.
I must have an inner garbage can where I stick stuff I don't want to deal with. Maybe an inner dumpster. But my ignoring it does not make it go away. It's still there. Eventually my dumpster gets full enough that I begin to feel it in the form of decreased energy and a negative attitude. If I let it go long enough, the dumpster overflows, and I feel overwhelmed, and I begin to feel self-destructive, and sometimes take self-destructive actions.
Lack of faith is related to this habit, this process of stuffing. Faith is like a muscle. Faith is more than belief, it is belief married to action. I can do two things with the stuff going on in my life - I can toss it in the ignore bin, and hope it goes away on its own or maybe deal with it later, or I can bring it into the light, talk about it with others, and turn it over to my Higher Power. I haven't done that very much, so my Faith Muscle is atrophied.
I don't want to fill my dumpster anymore. I don't want to carry extra weight around anymore. So what I've begun to do is to share whatever would normally feel stressful with someone I trust, pray, take whatever action I can about the situation, and leave the results up to my Higher Power. 
This is a new thing for me. I've spent my whole life being a stuffer. I've also spent almost my whole life in and out of depression and in and out of early recovery. I'd like to move past that now. My intention is to get rid of the dumpster and face, with the help of others and my Higher Power, whatever is placed in front of me to face. My hope is that I will strengthen my faith muscle and begin to live life day to day instead of from one overwhelming crisis to the next overwhelming crisis.

Namasté,

Ken    

Golden Attitude

I recently had an experience that showed me tangibly how important, how powerful, attitude is. The job I have is a lot like panning for gold. The gold is the goal, and I and my coworkers have various streams in which to find the gold. We are given a goal for the day - find x amount of gold - and we are expected to meet or exceed that goal.
I've been at this job a couple of months, and I was having difficulty meeting my goal. There was always something in the way. Following is the list of 'obstacles' I was encountering:
     I don't have the right equipment
     People around me aren't doing their job, which impacts on      mine
     My coworkers are lying when they report how much 'gold'        they have mined
     I find nothing but garbage in all of my 'streams'
     The goals are stupid
This was my basic list of obstacles, or reasons (excuses) why I couldn't meet my goal.
I have been taught that the most important aspect of me that I bring to any situation is my attitude. I know this, but it is difficult to practice sometimes. One of my shortcomings seems to be that I can easily find what's wrong in any given situation. That seems to come naturally to me. What is challenging is finding what's right or what's good about any given situation.
Jesus said, "Seek and you will find." I interpret that to mean that whatever I'm looking for, I will find. So, if I'm expecting to find garbage in my stream and no gold, that's what I'm going to get - garbage, no gold (or very little).
So, over the couple of months that I've been at my job, I've been endeavoring to change the way I look at my job through setting my intention and prayer. At first, I just intended to reach my goal. That wasn't enough, because of the obstacles (listed above) that were in my way. So what I learned to do first was to doubt the obstacles. All of my obstacles were subjective judgments on my part and weren't necessarily the truth. With that came some acceptance - acceptance that this is the way things are where I work, and I'm not going to change it, so I better get ok with it. 
Yesterday at work I finally made the goal. I had overcome the last obstacle, which was "I find nothing but garbage in all of my streams." This is the most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, because it requires me to look past the 'facts'. It requires me to stretch my beliefs. It requires me to doubt my own perception of the way things are. It means that what Jesus taught really is true, that my life is not what happens to me or what goes on around me, but is what is going on inside of me.
This is a powerful lesson for me. It shows me that if I can set aside my own doubts about my ability to succeed, no matter where those doubts come from or how long I've had them, that I can succeed.
I am grateful today for the willingness and courage to continue to move forward and actually apply the principles I've learned.

Namasté,

Ken      

Destigmatizing Part 1

I am a recovering person.  I am in recovery from alcoholism and I am in recovery from depression. I have more experience in recovery from alcoholism.  Active recovery from depression is still new to me. 
Obviously, I don't have a problem with sharing about my alcoholism, both the active (drinking) side and the recovery (sober) side.  I have accepted that alcoholism is a part of my journey, and I am happy to be on the sober side of it.  Life's a lot easier when I am sober.
I have experienced depression since I was a child, but it has taken a very long time for me to accept depression as part of my life like I do alcoholism.  I sent out a cover letter for a position today, and, because of the nature of the job for which I am applying and because of my current situation, I let my prospective employer know I am in recovery from alcoholism. I did not mention in my cover letter about being in recovery from depression.  My thought was that that might make me less desirable (right here is where you're supposed to laugh).
I grew up in the 60s and 70s, when mental illness was rarely talked about, and when not as much was known about it. There was lots of stuff back then that wasn't talked about much.  It wasn't too long ago that people with mental illness were thought to be possessed by demons, which figuratively isn't too far from the truth. Some people still believe that today.
So, I wasn't too open to the idea of living with depression. I just wanted to be rid of it. Today, I don't believe that I will be rid of it in this lifetime. This doesn't mean I have to suffer from it; it just means that I have to adjust my habits so that I manage my depression, instead of my depression managing me.  
What helped me accept and manage alcoholism was recognizing that alcoholism is still going on in me whether I'm drinking or not. It takes on a different form when I'm sober; or, more accurately, the other-than-drinking symptoms of alcoholism are more apparent to me when I'm sober. Today I can recognize the symptoms of my dis-ease, and separate my dis-ease from me. My hope is that I can learn to do that with depression as well - to recognize the symptoms as symptoms of dis-ease, and not as signs that I am a deficient or defective person.
This is enough for one post; I will continue in 'Destigmatizing Part 2'.

Namasté,

Ken      

Destigmatizing Part 2

What I'm really talking about when I write 'destigmatizing' is destigmatizing myself. As far as alcoholism goes, I really don't care if someone thinks I'm 'less than' for experiencing it. Of course, being sober helps with that. I'm not ashamed that I go to recovery support meetings to get and to give support, and I'm no longer ashamed that I don't stay sober on my own. I have accepted that this is the way it is, and it works. So destigmatizing is really about acceptance - not someone else's, but my own.

I mentioned in the last post that alcoholism continues whether or not I drink. Abstinence from alcohol and other mood altering drugs is only the start of recovery. In the end, abstinence is what other people look for in the alcoholic. Most people don't have a shit to give if the alcoholic is happy with his/her life and him/herself while not drinking - people just want the guy/gal to stop drinking so that they are no longer a menace to themselves and others. Those of us in real recovery from alcoholism know that because of the damage done to our psyches and our souls by active alcoholism, there's a lot more for us to do than just stop drinking. By the time a person experiencing alcoholism makes it to recovery, his/her mind has been warped to the extent that it needs retraining for the individual to live sober without going crazy. And the effects of alcoholism never really go away, they can only be effectively managed. The symptoms of alcoholism that I manage are selfishness, self-pity, self-obsession, resentment, obsession, and fear. There are other symptoms as well, but those are the biggies.

Alcoholism and depression share some symptoms.  For me, the shared symptoms are self-pity, self-obsession, and fear. For these symptoms, my program of recovery from alcoholism manages these symptoms. However, there are other symptoms that need to be managed as well, or the depression comes back, and life becomes so painful that I drink again. The additional symptoms for me are a constant feeling of being not good enough, a sense of separation from all of life, the inability to enjoy life, self-sabotaging behaviors and attitudes, a general dislike of myself, a desire to escape life, and a desire to die.
Before I accepted that I am experiencing the dis-ease of alcoholism, it felt as though alcoholism was me. Today I can separate myself from that dis-ease; there was a time in my life when I couldn't. And when I am experiencing the symptoms of depression, it is difficult to see that they are symptoms, and not me. The dislike of me, the self-hatred and the desire to die are not me, they are symptoms that something about me needs attention.
So one of my goals is to accept and understand that I am first and foremost a human being and a child of God, and that nothing in me or about me detracts from that status. When there is stuff going on with me, it's stuff to deal with, not reasons for giving up on life. And I have been given the tools to deal with that stuff; it's up to me to implement them, and I am not alone in my experience.
And if I need to question why I have to deal with this 'stuff' (alcoholism and depression), perhaps I can remember that because of it, in my recoveries my life is much richer than it ever would have been otherwise.

Namasté,

Ken

Loving Myself

Just writing the title of this post is scary.
Many years ago, my first love (loosely defined) said to me that I couldn't love anyone else until I loved myself. I don't know that that is strictly true, but I got the gist of it. I've been self-destructive in various ways ever since I can remember, and self-destructive people don't love themselves. She recognized this, and while I don't necessarily believe that self-love is a mandatory requirement for loving others, I do believe that a healthier, stronger love emanates from people who love themselves.
I believe this as well: that if I love myself, I will find less inner resistance to taking the actions necessary for me to stay in recovery from alcoholism and depression. I liken it to the parent who would do anything, give up anything, even their own life, to see their sick child get well. (I have no children, so I don't know what that feels like). If I am loving myself, I will do all I can to ensure a healthy, happy life. Again, I haven't always done that - quite the opposite, really.
So, if I don't know how to love myself, how do I start? There are a couple of things I can do to start loving myself. The first, and I think I've done this, is begin to accept that I am a worthy person simply because I Am. I exist. If the Universe, my Creator, God, has brought me into existence and sustained me thus far, it must mean that I'm an integral part of the Universe, and that I have worth. What is helping me in this regard is the plethora of people I have in my life that like me, love me, support and encourage me. I'm not bragging here - I really don't think I'm anything special, but I've got people in my life who think I am, and I began to stop ignoring this evidence a couple of years ago. So I do my best to not push people out of my life, but rather to believe that what they see in me is truly there.
Second, I can begin to take the actions of a person who loves himself. When I got sober, I didn't know how to stay sober, but I began to take the actions of someone who does know how by following the examples I was given from others who live a sober life. But the key to self-love is inside of me, not outside. How do I access the inner voice, my higher self, to find out what to do? One of the people out there that I follow calls herself Teal Swan, and in one of her videos, Self Love -The Great Shortcut to Enlightenment - Teal Swan, she suggests that on a daily basis for 365 days when confronted with a choice or a decision to ask, "What would a person who loved themselves do?" This allows our intuition, our inner guidance, to direct us, rather than constantly relying upon the reactions of the people in our lives. I have just started doing this, but I have faith that, if I am willing to listen to my intuition, I will begin to behave in the manner of one who loves himself, and maybe even begin to love myself.
The deal is this - I've spent enough time and energy hating myself and trying to self-destruct. I still don't know all the causes for my self-hatred, but whatever they are no longer seems important. What is important to me today is that I begin to live my life the way my Creator intended. Self-hatred does nothing except hurt me and those around me. That's not what God wants - God really, really does not get off on Eternal Punishment. It does nothing for a better world. So my commitment is to use the multitude of tools I have to show up in this world the best I can as God's love in action, and it starts with loving what God created, and that includes me.
Thank you for reading this far and I pray that your days are filled with an ever increasing realization of who You Really Are.

Namasté,

Ken

The Journey

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey in recovery, and the emphasis is on recognizing and accepting both my human aspect and my spiritual aspect. I haven't done a lot of chronicling lately, but I have been going down the road a bit.

I live with alcoholism and depression. I am currently in recovery from both, meaning that I am actively taking steps to keep both diseases in remission. I do a lot in order to maintain my recoveries; very fortunately, all of the things I do to treat my conditions are completely beneficial to me, and even to others. I know people who live with other conditions, and must make many sacrifices in order to continue living. The things I do, the actions I take, may seem to me, at times, like sacrifices, but, in reality, they are not. All of what I do enriches my life.

For a long time, I denied my depression. Well, to be honest, for a long time I denied my alcoholism as well. After I accepted that I have alcoholism, and began to live in the solution, things got better - for a minute. I thought that I could treat my alcoholism, and the depression would leave, or at least that I could control it. Over the past 10 weeks, I've come to accept that I cannot control depression any more than I can control alcoholism. So I surrendered.

Surrender, in the case of alcoholism and depression, does not mean giving up or giving in. It means that I stop trying to figure out a solution to my problems on my own. It means I admit that, as far as staying sober and staying sane goes, I haven't a clue as to what to do. And when I surrender, when I cease fighting these things, the door opens to the solution(s).

The method I've chosen (or perhaps it chose me) for staying sober and learning to live sober is a spiritual approach. The method I tried to use for depression, after I accepted that I needed to take continuous action, was spiritual and physical in nature. The physical actions I was taking weren't quite enough, and so I obtained a prescription for an anti-depressant, and I began to be able to crawl out of the hole I had dug for myself. There is more to do than merely take a pill, but what the pill does is alter my brain chemistry enough to allow me to access and use the other tools I have (of which this blog is actually one). It's the difference between merely surviving and the possibility of thriving. (I'm somewhere in-between right now).

The really good news is that if I am open, willing, and honest, and somewhat humble, I have the resources available to live a really nice, purposeful life. I have a lot of support, and I will write about that support in upcoming posts. It has taken me a relatively long time to accept that I'm not an island, and when I'm a self-made man, that man is a not a man I like very much. When I open myself up to help, and to mutual aid, I like myself, and I contribute to life. It's really a pretty simple formula, but not always easy to do. I often trip over myself; fortunately now, when I stumble, I have someone to help me stand again.

If you've read this far, thank you. I hope you received something from reading; I know the writing helps me. I don't know much about the road ahead, except that it contains both joy and sadness, gains and losses, sunshine, rain, and probably some snow, too. All of this is part of life, and my goal is to accept life on life's terms, so that I may live fully, as I believe my Creator intended all of us to live. What that actually looks like, we'll have to wait and see...

Namasté,

Ken

Return to Recovery

I'm back. I've been 'back' for a while, but a friend told me last week that they missed this blog, so I thought I could start writing again.
Since early April, I've lost my sobriety, my health (temporarily), my business, my part-time job, and I was evicted. I'm now in recovery again, working another part-time job, and living at the Salvation Army.
I think the important questions are, "What am I learning from this experience?" and, "What am I doing differently?"
I don't think one blog post can cover either question fully; however, one of the big things I'm learning is thoroughness, and its importance to a strong recovery. In addition to doing the things I need to do daily to stay in recovery from alcoholism, I am also now doing the things I need to do daily to stay in recovery from depression. That is the most challenging for me right now - I have difficulty separating my disorder or condition from me, and when I'm in it, I tend to believe the thoughts I have. That is dangerous, and it imperils my sobriety. So, with a lot of support, I am learning what I need to do to stay in recovery, and I am learning what it means to be consistent and thorough.
I've been sober now since May 21st, 2015, and it has been a busy six, nearly seven, weeks. It feels more like 6 months. I still have hope that I can learn to enjoy this lifetime, and to live a life that has purpose and meaning. That seems like a tall order, but, taken in little chunks, and done with guidance, it's probably do-able.
We'll see.