Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson Two: A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed

 A year ago at this time I was in relapse. The basic reason I was in relapse was that I was not talking about situations at my new job that were triggering my belief that I am a fake and a failure. When I was in the hospital in Oro Valley last October, I came to the realization that my response to the situation I was in was way out of line with what was actually happening - I was delusional and my behavior was irrational. A good dose of healthy realization is painful but can also be incredibly beneficial to healing. 

I have been realizing lately that at my current job my habit of withholding my concerns has not served me very well at all. My pretending that everything is fine with me regarding work caused me physical pain and illness as well as emotional stress and anguish. Since I had my hernia surgery, moved to the front end of the store (checking) and made the decision to not return to dairy, my physical pain and anxiety surrounding work have virtually disappeared. It was really hard for me to ask for time off for surgery, and then to ask to not return to dairy. The response to my requests from my superiors has been nothing but positive and supportive, which is exactly the opposite of what my beliefs told me would happen. My beliefs told me that the response would be, literally, "If you can't do your f#*king job then just gtfo you useless piece of shit. You've got nothing coming." That kind of thinking can cause a bit of anxiety.

Fortunately, over the past year I have been working on supporting the new belief that I am a valuable employee (and person) and that I have a lot to contribute to any organization with which I am affiliated - and it's not just wishful thinking - I have evidence to back this belief up. Unfortunately, exchanging old ideas that no longer serve me with new ones that work better is not as easy as just unplugging a module from my brain and replacing it with a new improved version. There is a period of time in which both beliefs seem to be operative at the same time, and this naturally causes mental and emotional stress and discomfort. However, being mindful about this process makes the stress and discomfort bearable; it's like going to the dentist - we know that it'll be an uncomfortable, if not downright painful, experience, but we also know that it's necessary and that we'll be better off in the long run.

Yesterday I came to work and discovered that I had been scheduled to work 2 days this week for a total of 13.75 hours, which is way below what I'm usually scheduled and totally inadequate to sustain my standard of living. I looked at that and the very first thought that crossed my mind was, "They're trying to get rid of me." This idea actually has some basis in fact, as retail and other service industries will use this tactic to get rid of an employee without having to actually fire them - just decrease their schedule so they can't possibly live on what they're making. Fortunately I'm healthy enough nowadays to know that there are other plausible explanations.  I didn't immediately go into "I'm screwed" mode, and I considered what to do about this situation throughout my shift last night, and then some more this morning.

Because of my recent health issues (which are now resolved), I don't have any savings. Seeing the schedule triggered somewhat of a panic response in me, and I had to use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills as well as my spiritual practice to quell the panic. I was able to recognize that although my sense of security was threatened, my safety is not threatened. This is important - our subconscious' sole purpose in life is to keep us alive (which, by the way, is something at which it will ultimately fail). The subconscious thinks "Danger! Danger! Your source of survival (the job) has just disappeared! Panic!" I had to reassure my subconscious that I was in no immediate danger of going hungry or becoming homeless - in other words, my safe environment is still intact. My sense of security, on the other hand, was definitely dinged. But that's ok - security is not really a quantifiable state. A sense of security is really a false sort of thing that we carry around to make us feel better in a life filled with impermanence. But I'm safe - that's a fact.

Next, I had to twist my thinking around to see this as an opportunity. I have been wanting more time for spiritual and social development, as well as vocational development. I want to do something to earn a living that is more in line with my gifts and talents, and that takes time and energy. My decreased work schedule opened up both time and energy for me to consider and pursue my next vocation.

So the important thing here is that I was able to take myself out of crisis mode. However, there's more to be done to move out of a state of confusion about what's going on - I needed to talk to some people to become more aware of what's really happening, and in which direction I might head. 

I went to the store this morning to talk with the grocery manager, who is second in command at my store. He's not the one who wrote the schedule, which is good because I can come to him without having an attitude of "why did you do this to me?" I also had time to set the intention of how I'm going to show up in this conversation: I want to let him know what is going on and what my concerns are in a direct, matter of fact way. I needed to show up as calm and rational. So I let him know what was going on, and that one of the days for which I had been scheduled was my only 'unavailable' day, and that the schedule was not going to work for me. I told him that I was not going to show up for the shift scheduled on my unavailable day (which happens to be tomorrow). He told me he would see what he could do about the situation, and I went on my way.

I had no faith that anything would be done - my concern leaving the office was about how I would productively use all the free time I was looking forward to this week.

A couple hours later I received a call from the store giving me my new schedule for the week - I had 3 shifts added to the days I am available. I was not expecting this! And I still have enough of my own time to move forward in developing a new work situation for myself that allows me more control over what I'm doing and when I'm doing it, as well as how much I make while doing it. 

So here's the upshot - a major issue had presented itself to me, and I did what was indicated in a wise and skillful way. I took actions that, while challenging for me, prevented a crisis and alleviated my concern. I talked to people who could help me about what was going on so that I could move forward without causing undue suffering in mine or anyone else's life (although I don't know where they were able to come up with hours for me to work - not my problem).

This might seem like basic adulting to a lot of y'all, but for me it represents a major accomplishment in learning how to navigate life without falling back into self-destructive patterns. My actions today give me hope and confidence that I can and will continue to learn to navigate this life successfully. And a big part of what make this so enjoyable for me is that I will be able to share this success with others who may struggle when seeming obstacles appear in their lives. There is, I am finding, much joy in embracing challenges in life rather than finding ways to avoid and escape.

I appreciate being able to share my journey with you, and I hope I inspire you to share your journey with others - that's what it's all about.

Namasté,

Ken

Being Supportive

Or "What to do when someone you care for is acting the fool."

As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, over the past 11 months, I have been endeavoring to cultivate real connections with others.  I had believed previously that I really did not need to let people get close to me, or to allow myself to get close to others, in order to get well and live a healthy life. Keeping a reasonable distance from others is the plan for a wounded self that wants to protect me from further hurt. Keeping the shields up seems like a good way to stay safe; perhaps it is, but it isn't a very good way to live fully. One of the weird aspects of being human (and trust me, there are many weird aspects) is that in order to live fully, we must risk. We must risk hurt, disappointment, failure, suffering. That sounds strange, but I know from experience that not taking risks, avoiding what my protecting mind tells me is unsafe, creates hurt, disappointment, failure, and suffering. And when I take no risks, there's no upside. When I do take risks - when I allow myself to become vulnerable with other human beings, I then allow for the possibility to experience love - both giving and receiving. A human being might be able to survive without love, but I have come to believe that a human being cannot truly thrive without the capacity to love and to be loved.

So the decision to allow myself to become vulnerable and to make true connections with others was not an easy decision for me. It wasn't a matter of simply switching lanes and doing things differently, like adopting a different style of dress or learning a new language. It's more like dropping the armor and going into the battle naked and unarmed. I knew it was going to get messy, but I also knew that I had to do it or else die a lonely, miserable failure of a human being. I had to give living (loving) one more shot.

I have a friend that I care about and love. My friend has been making some very unwise choices lately that endanger not only their happiness, but their life. It hurts to see this. It hurts to see someone I deeply care about make very short-sighted decisions apparently to avoid the pain that comes with growing up. It hurts to see this person turn from every truly supportive person in their life. It hurts to know that I can't do anything about their situation that would be wise and skillful, other than to remain ready to pick up the pieces, if, hopefully, there are any pieces left to pick up.

I really wanted to rage. I wanted to have the opportunity to say, or scream, "Wtf do you think you're doing? What is wrong with you?" I am grateful that today I possess the wisdom to know that approaching someone in this manner will only push the person deeper into their self-destructive delusions. I know that this person is only doing what they think they need to do in order to protect themselves. I know that this person does not think they are hurting anybody else. How do I know this? Because I've been there.

Throughout my active addiction and mental illness, I made many, many unwise choices that I thought did not harm anybody else but myself. Delusion is a symptom that comes with addiction and mental illness. I realized, after I started caring about people, that although my unwise choices and actions might not have physically hurt those who cared about me, they nonetheless hurt my family and loved ones. I had turned off my capacity for caring, love, empathy, and compassion. Those aspects of myself only got in the way of me getting what I thought I desperately needed. When I flipped those switches back on, I found out that it hurts to love someone who is hurting themselves.

And I can't maintain any kind of anger against my friend. They are not doing this to hurt me, even though it hurts to not have their healthy friendship. They are quite unaware of all of the consequences of their choices.

So there is sadness, and the desire to fix something that I can't fix. But what can I do?

I can be supportive. How? By practicing understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, metta, and unconditional love. Understanding that this person is being driven by forces, both inner and outer, that they are unable to recognize or handle. Right now, they truly are a victim. Understanding that whatever this person is doing, they are not doing it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and understanding that I own my own feelings about the situation. Compassion and empathy come from taking an honest appraisal of my own experience and situation. I have been where this person is and made many, many more unwise choices, through my own delusions, than this person has yet had a chance to make. Compassion also comes from a deep knowing that I could be exactly where they're at in a very short time. I am not immune from relapse. Forgiveness comes from compassion and understanding, but also from the sure knowledge that I can be of no real help to them, myself, or anybody else while holding a grudge. Grudges keep my hands too full to do anything useful. Forgiveness is simply giving love to a situation, and love is the only thing that truly heals. Metta, or prayer, is practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to that person. It doesn't necessarily change their outcome, but it keeps my mind in a hopeful and faithful position toward this person. And unconditional love is simply knowing who that person really is beneath all the self-destructive behavior - knowing that underneath everything is a precious soul going through an extremely difficult life experience. And unconditional love says I'll be there in person to support this person back to health, if given the opportunity.

Please note that being supportive does not mean doing anything that would compromise my integrity or my own mental or physical well-being. I used to try to rescue (fix) people from time to time. I now know the folly in that endeavor, and that support and rescue are not the same thing.

One might ask, "Ken, does this experience make you want to reconsider your decision to really connect with others, especially those who live with addiction and or mental health issues?" and the answer, surprisingly, is "No." I am still dedicated to developing real connections with others. What I have experienced so far since my decision has been more real peace, belonging, happiness and joy than I have ever experienced previously. I am becoming more and more convinced that the only worthwhile endeavor in life is to know my connection with life through learning how I can be of maximum loving service to others.

I want to end with this: I am still selfish af, only today I practice putting my recovery first rather than me first. It's now 11:45 pm, and if I hadn't sat down to write and process all this through writing, I would have been laying in bed thinking about it, and the thoughts would not have been productive. Over the past few years, I have been able to let go of a ton of suffering that I had been carrying for a really long time, and today I have no desire to pick it up again or create new suffering in my life (or anyone else's!). So there ya have it.

Namasté,

Ken