I just finished watching Aviator directed by Martin Scorcese (my God, how many films does that guy have in him?) starring Leonardo DiCaprio about Howard Hughes. Now this is the 2nd move I've watched about Howard Hughes, who, to put it briefly, was an iconic figure in the last century - he had it all - entrepreneur, aviator, film producer, bon vivant (a nice way of saying playboy), billionaire, and he suffered from several severe mental illnesses. But this post isn't about him. It's just an awesome movie about an awesome, but flawed man (like me!).
This post is, of course, about me! And boy, am I hacked! As very often is the case, it takes me a minute to figure out when I am upset or disturbed.
I recently went through a crisis. Without going through the whole crisis, because it really isn't important, I'm going to talk about what has really, really gotten my goat. And I will preface things by saying that I really don't get too mad too often, and, much more than the next fellow, I think, I can generally take life pretty much on life's terms. But this morning I discovered what was really grinding my gears.
I am pissed off in a most royal way that somebody, a State agency, thinks that they have the right or whatever, to try to recall stuff that I did over 30 years ago that I have worked diligently to put behind me. (By the way, unlike 2 or 3 people I know, in general, whatever the gov't (gubment, for those of you south of the M-D line) has exactly 0 to do with my breathing). So this is a little extraordinary for me. In fact, it's making me cry right now. And, more to the fact, I'm not going to buy into it. There is no way that I can do the task I am asked to do correctly - to recall 5 felonies from 1989 to 1998 (2 states), and several misdemeanors that I really can't recall right now, plus probably 3 dui's. (Which is interesting, because my 1st dui was in Lincoln Parish, LA, and when I got my last dui in Waukesha, WI, they called up Lincoln Parish, and Lincoln Parish no longer had a record of it (this was back in 1982, and I remember it vividly, but if I remember it better than than the governing body, I'd have to say WTF?) Lincoln Parish even had no recollection of my existence (I lived there two years), which causes my alcoholic mind to ponder the question, "Maybe it's time for a vacay in Lincoln Parish?" Nah
I haven't even finished the book I'm supposed to be writing - WTF, should I write a fucking narrative on shit that most people have forgotten, only to have that narrative, and it's veracity, judged by people in a state in which I have never, never, ever, committed a crime?
In 2002, I determined to live my life forward, not backward. And this doesn't mean that I don't forget what I've done, or why I did it - it simply means that I live my life today in today.
2 things that aren't my MO today - 1) to commit new offenses and 2) to do shit that doesn't make a difference in my life or anyone else's. I really, really, am too old for that kind of shit. (Actually been too old for that shit for about 30 years now).
And if you are reading this, you know by my language that I'm not a Pearly Saint, but if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I am an upstanding citizen trying to do the right thing and doing kind of ok nowadays. So fuck you Arizona Department of Public Safety, and fuck the horse you rode in on.
By the way, I love living in Arizona - it means I don't have to be a Packer fan, and I can live my life the way I darn well please. I think a person lives this way in Texas and several other states. See, my only political way of being is very old - Live Free or Die. Lot's of folks here live just that way. Even if they still follow the Green Bay Packers!
Now, I could see doing the footwork of Appealing my Arizona Fingerprint Card - if I were applying for the Arizona State Bar (or California or Nevada, perhaps), but I'm not! I'm applying for a job that is a little more important than Burger King. The problem is, now that I've been denied my fingerprint card application, I have to put down that I've been denied in any other state in which I want to apply, including Wisconsin, in which I've already been approved (3 times. With (almost) the same fucking record for which I'm already being denied).
All for shit that I've ostensibly avoided doing for over 20 years. And, by the way, avoided doing it for the past 2 months while I have had access to every.single.fucking.vehicle that my employer owned.
By the way, I have a sibling that has had DOD clearance (probably Top Secret) since 1984. That's big shit! But he worked on Big Shit, and you can bet that it wasn't minimum wage! Whole different game, and I'm going to bet that when one starts with responsibility, they have a tendency to keep it. Like now when I feel I have a sense of responsibility, I want to keep it. For instance, I have an AZ drivers licence (not even in the same class as a DOD clearance), but today I have no desire to do anything to give it up (no matter what fuctard state agency issued it).
Ok, all done with the rant, and on with the blessings:
I can still work at Safeway, and it's not just that I can have my job back, they want me back. And my friend Joyce (who has had a lot of experience with addicts) came to my rescue when I had my crisis. And she lives in Chino Valley now, not Prescott! That she came and helped me out brings tears to my eyes right now! She is truly a Godly woman, and I am more blessed than any rant I can manufacture to have her and others in my life today! And I've done nothing to deserve it other than to show up.
My other friends in recovery continue to support me no matter what my vocation. It doesn't matter to them.
I might live through this.
I think I might have another vocation besides the one I was thinking of.
I can still sit knee-to-knee with a person who is desiring recovery from substance use disorder or mental health disorder and share my experience, strength, and hope to support them in their recovery.
When I practice it, I recognize that God's blessings always flow (not always in the direction or way I'd like),
There is always a fucking lesson to be learned.
I am a Free Spirit, and in the end, my citizenship is with Spirit (Gal 5:18).
I always have something to write about.
So there ya have it (that's a Youper saying).
Basically, I always have blessings to share, and there's not a fuctard state agency in the world (or at least these United States) that's going to keep me from sharing what I've been given.
Namasté
Ken
