Trigger warning - suicide and death
Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers during this time - I appreciate it, and it really does help. As far as this relapse goes, it wasn't nearly as major as some I've experienced, and I'm very grateful. I did, of course, create a big mess, but I'm not homeless (yet) and I'm still alive. I was suicidal (that's what starts every one) and began drinking. I was in the ICU twice - the second time for an overdose of my anti-depressant medication. Our local hospital doesn't like me much, I think - after the 2nd ICU, they sent me via ambulance to Oro Valley Hospital Behavioral Health Unit, which is near Tuscon. It's a 5 hour ride in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher, no stops. It's a very undignified way to travel, but, believe it or not, it's not the worst ride I ever had! I think my local hospital was hoping I'd stay down there. Nope! I'm back home, ready to continue recovery and do what I can to make amends and continue serving others.
I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to stay in recovery despite them.
This relapse began right around the time I started my job as a peer support specialist in mid-July. What really happened was this - I began to focus most of my attention on my new job rather than my Higher Power and my practice. My mindfulness practice, which I had been doing consistently for several months, went to hell. I felt like I couldn't practice. I stopped focusing on recovery, and focused on trying to make things right (whatever right is) with my job.
So if you've been following my posts, you are aware of the troubles I've had with the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety and obtaining my 'fingerprint card' approval, which was necessary for me to keep my job. I couldn't do it. I gave up. I up and left my job. Abandoned it (and my clients). (I can still attempt to appeal my rejection, but right now I'm not up to it. Perhaps another time.)
But that's not all! In a misguided attempt to look good, I was falsifying my timecard. At work, we're supposed to spend 60% of our time (24 of 40 hours) in direct support of clients. I wasn't doing that - I always had overtime, used for entering progress notes. So what I was doing was adjusting my timecard to get the 'production' up to 60% while shaving the hours I worked each day. In other words, I was giving up pay to make it appear that I was doing 60% production in 40 hours a week. This behavior is a throwback - I've done it before in other situations in order to make it look like I was doing better than I really was. I would like to note here that I did not commit medicaid fraud - all my clients were billed for exactly the amount of time I spent with them. I just shaved my off hours.
This might not seem like that big of a deal - it didn't seem like it at the time. But it's dishonest. Honesty is part of the foundation of recovery, and dishonesty just tears it down. Also, my behavior was unfair to my fellow employees, as it subverted the process. The process is there for a reason - follow the process so that if there are problems, we can examine it and see what needs adjusting. My behavior was very unethical, and I knew it. Falsifying records, any records, is unethical. It gives a false image of what's really going on.
Again, if you've been reading my posts, you know that I was very pleased with how I conducted myself at work at the grocery store. I was honest and ethical. I never falsified anything, and I didn't steal, and I didn't 'adjust' hours. I worked with integrity, and I was proud of my behavior. Still am, for that instance. I did not realize that going back to old behavior was like stabbing my own self in the back. I didn't get caught by anybody - I didn't need to. I was punishing my own self. And the really insane thing is that I did not need to make myself look better - I was still in a probationary period, and not expected to hit the 60% production rate yet.
In another situation, I was working with a client who was driving me crazy. I spent a lot of time with this client, and it was very difficult for me because I knew I was often not working in the scope of practice of a peer support specialist. I talked a bit about it with my supervisor, but I never really opened up about how my work with this client was bothering me. The problem, in my opinion, was that this client had what is called learned helplessness, and the staff who worked with this client (not just me) were enabling it. I never talked about that - I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to seem 'uppity' (I hope that's not a bad word. If it is, let me know, and I'll find another). I went along with it. Another ethical violation.
So the upshot of all of this is that I don't yet have the guts to practice my profession well. That's really sad, and I hated myself for it. I became very suicidal.
My experience at Oro Valley Behavioral Health Unit was incredibly helpful and enlightening. Besides the fact of the undignified ambulance ride and being 5 hours away from home (you have to go through Phoenix to get there and Phoenix is Arizona's Chicago. Yuck), I got hope again. After a few days of contemplating how I was going to kill myself, I decided that all the help I was getting at Oro Valley was a sign that I needed to get back into recovery. So I re-committed myself to the practice. I began pondering my relapse, and, as my sanity returned, I saw how my behavior, my reaction to the things going on, was way out of proportion to the situation. I was focusing entirely on the mess at work, and forgetting that I need to look at the big picture. And the big picture is simply this - it's not the work itself that's important - I need to discover the areas in which this job can help me become more skillful in finding ways to develop my own coping skills and good habits and ways to help others. I stopped doing that and went back to old behavior, and I stabbed my soul. The problem, if you could call it that, with spiritual development is that the karma from going back to old behavior is way worse than when I was using only maladaptive coping mechanisms to get by in life. "For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of [Source and a better way] they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them." (2 Peter 2:20, 21 NKJV) The language seems a little harsh to me, but, in my experience, it's the Truth! My challenge is that I know at least two ways of doing anything, and I'm not very skillful yet at making the best choice. So I'm still here because I still have a lot of room to grow.
There were a lot of blessings and God moments at Oro Valley. I spoke with one of the chaplains one day, and as I listened, I realized he was from my area in Wisconsin. I asked him, and he said he grew up on the South Side of Milwaukee. Most everybody in Arizona are from somewhere else, and there are many from the north, so I often meet people from Wisconsin. Those are always God moments for me, for some reason.
I also met a couple of wonderful people who were patients too, and made some new friends. We really connected, and it's not often that I connect so well with someone and make a new friend. I am so, so grateful for this. It's like Source planted these people in my life to make me a richer person, or Source planted me in these folks' lives. I feel very blessed.
I am going to go back to my job at the grocery store for a while. I am grateful that it is available to me. Another miracle that will enrich me if I treat the experience skillfully, and I know I can.
Out of my window at Oro Valley I was able to view the Catalina Mountains. I love mountains. They represent strength, security, and stability for me. They go through their changes (fires and such), but they're still always there. This morning I got to view the sunrise over the mountains. It was really cool. It started looking just like a flashlight or head light, and it grew to it's full size and kept moving. It's an incredible experience for me to be able to see the sun move (actually the Earth rotating). For some reason, it puts things in perspective for me.
I was also able to re-start my mindfulness practice, which is a huge part of my recovery foundation. At Oro Valley, I became open and receptive again, and I was able to shift my focus back to my purpose - to become of maximum service to my Creator and the people with whom I come in contact.
I got home tonight and went to my recovery meeting. My Sangha welcomed me back, of course, with open arms. I have a group of people who love me and support me on my spiritual path. One beautiful person at the meeting had also relapsed - overdosed on opiates. I felt very guilty for not being available, as I was busy in my own relapse and unable to be of service to anybody. I felt like if I came back and found they had died, I would have killed myself, for not being available. I know that's not right thinking, but I also know that not being available to support others directly opposes my purpose and my practice, and can hurt me and others. I have to be there, in whatever way I can.
So I'm back home, and I may have to find a new place to live. I'm ok with that right now. I have a lot of amends to make - mostly to my roommate and my co-workers at my peer specialist job. And myself. My psychiatrist at Oro Valley is from Sri Lanka, so we connected well, too - he knows what I'm talking about. He told me that I have to learn the practice of self-compassion, that it needs to become a part of my recovery foundation. So I am learning that. 12 step programs often use the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi in the 11th step. It's a prayer for gaining compassion for others, and I re-wrote it to make it a prayer for gaining self compassion. I may have to write a whole post on the 11th step, St Francis, and his prayer. It really is quite powerful.
Hey, did I mention that I did not commit any crimes during this relapse? That's a big thing for which to be grateful. I am concerned, though - I came close to dying during this relapse, and I really want to avoid having to come so close to death in order to learn something. There are safer paths to enlightenment. My path really boggles my mind sometimes - I run with people who could be dead tomorrow. That seems harsh, but it's the truth. Knowing that does keep me on my toes. I really, really, really, want to ease the suffering of others. Mine too. When I hurt myself, others hurt too. Seems like kind of a dangerous life to me.
So there ya have it. I don't spend a lot of time in guilt, because guilt is useless unless it prevents one from doing something hurtful. I just jump in and continue with my recovery, knowing that there's a lesson in everything, even cleaning up my messes. It all has purpose. I do really want to learn how to avoid the whole death thing - I know there must be a way to learn and grow without backsliding. I have faith that I'll be able to do that, because I have a strong desire today to stay alive.
I love you all and wish for you the best of everything.
Namasté,
Ken
