Faith: A Simple Yet Effective Example

 Years ago, when talking and listening about "turning it over" and "letting go" in recovery meetings (lessons in faith), an image came to me that fit in my brain what that was all about. The image was of hiring a lawyer (or any professional, really) to do my bidding for me, or to do what I am unable to do on my own. I'm not very sure how effective that image was for me, and back then I was more of a spiritual theorist than an actual participant in living a spiritual life. Very fortunately, when I don't get a message or a lesson the first time (or second, third fourth...), the Universe always sees fit to provide me with yet another lesson. This past week, when I actually had occasion to hire a lawyer to take care of a mess I had created, I was reminded of the theory about faith that had come to me many years ago. This time, I'm able to add a little more flesh, and hopefully real-life experience, to the theory.

So in my last post, I wrote about a misdemeanor that I committed in Las Vegas nearly 12 years ago and skipped out on. I expressed the desire to resolve this issue so that I can move on to bigger and better things while I live in this area. One of my options, which I didn't mention in my last post, is to travel to Las Vegas and turn myself in. I know that the police department there and the judicial system would accommodate me. Then I could spend some time in jail until I had a hearing or two in front of a judge and see what we could do to resolve this. This is one way of getting it done; however, my life is really stable right now, and taking this action would destabilize it. I desire to resolve my legal issue while maintaining the stability I'm currently experiencing, and I need help doing that, so I hired a lawyer. I have confidence and faith that comes from my intuition that my legal situation will now be resolved in a way that is mutually beneficial to everybody. An ingredient to this faith is the knowing I have that my Creator wants only the best for me and is constantly giving me guidance on the path to my highest good - so my attitude isn't, "I've got to beat this case;" it's more along the lines of resolution - again, finding a solution and then moving on.

Okay. So I hired the lawyer by sending him a $xxx deposit and signing a contract with him. Here is where the issue of "turning it over" effectively is fleshed out. And the problem with me, and possibly many people, is not a lack of faith - I've got plenty of that - but in two things: how I understand faith, and how I direct it. When I spoke with him on the phone, he asked me, "So I assume you'd like to avoid jail time?" and I agreed. Avoiding incarceration has not been guaranteed, but that's the destination we're keeping in mind. As stated earlier, if I want to go to jail, I know how to do that. And an attorney who took my money and then said, "Ok, show up at the Clark County Justice Center and your warrant will be quashed and your case will be resolved," probably would not stay in business very long. So I hire the lawyer with a certain end in mind. I don't expect to get off scot-free, but I am hoping to get this thing done with as painlessly as possible.

The contract I signed with the attorney said, to me, basically two things: that the attorney would use all of his knowledge, experience, and connections to get me the best deal possible, and that he would do this all for $xxx if possible. Here are the 5 things that might make me have to pay extra to get the job done:

Events that may cause attorney to engage in hourly billing include, but are not limited to: (1) the other party’s unwillingness to cooperate in litigation; (2) Client making unreasonable demands upon the Attorney; (3) Client failing to communicate with Attorney; (4) Client taking steps that Attorney has not authorized or advised that are adverse to Client’s case; or (5) Client’s case is, or becomes, complex and requires extensive work beyond the retainer stated herein.

So it becomes fairly clear to me that at least 60% of the outcome in this matter is dependent upon what I do or don't do. Furthermore, I've been informed that if the job at hand takes more than the initial deposit I put down, that I will be billed at an hourly rate of $350/hour! Now, at that rate, it becomes way less expensive for me to just go up to Vegas and sit some time; however, I better know that if that's the outcome, the responsibility is mine, nobody else's.

What are the elements of faith in this example, and what are my responsibilities? First, I've allowed this person to become a higher power in my life regarding this matter. I've come to allowing this because I did try on my own to see if I could resolve it myself, and found that I couldn't. I chose this attorney through some direction from the Nevada Bar Association, my own intuition, and my own judgment. Also added in is some humility - even though I have a lot of experience with the legal system, and even though I've watched hours and hours of Matlock, LA Law, and Law and Order, I've conceded that my attorney's knowledge, experience, and wisdom outweigh my own. So I've put trust and faith in him.

Second, because I've already conceded that my attorney can do a better job, I'm going to let him. I'm following his instructions - I'm being honest, and I'm refraining from meddling in his job, and I'm trusting that if he needs more information from me to do a good job, he will ask. 

Third, I've let go of any doubt or anxiety surrounding what it going to happen. This is a practice that gets better with time and, well, practice! I note that throughout my life, when I've let go of doubt, fear, and anxiety about my own well-being, things turn out better than I expected. It really is that simple.

Lastly, I am willing to accept whatever the outcome of this is. In fact, when I've taken the steps of cultivating faith and pointing it in the right direction, the outcome no longer becomes important. I recognize that the important experience is the journey itself (practicing faith) rather than the destination.

In the recovery program I was brought up in, which has steps, members often explain the first 3 steps in the following way: I can't, He can, and I let him. In this example, I can't effectively represent myself in getting this matter resolved; I believe he (my attorney) can, so the wise part of me is going to let him do his job without interference. And lastly, because I've committed to turning this case over to my attorney, I'm going to accept the results. By the way, I do have a couple ideas of how things might turn out, but I'm not married to any of those ideas. It's like going to Disney World - if I plan a rigid itinerary of what I'd like to do and experience, I increase the odds of becoming disappointed; however, if I just show up with the idea in mind that I'm going to have a good time, I most likely will.

For me, this is a good example of how faith works when I have an understanding of what faith is and when I'm directing it skillfully. Again, it is less about getting what i think i want out of a situation and more about learning how to trust and believe in my Creator to lead me to becoming the best person I am destined to become and doing the things that will allow me to live an enriching life abundantly. The biggest difference in the example I've given and other faith examples in my life is that I often have more footwork to do than I do in today's example. 

I will be writing more about faith in the coming days, because this experience has sparked a lot of reflection about faith, and how I use it both consciously and unconsciously, skillfully and unskillfully.

I appreciate your allowing me to share my journey with you.

Namasté,

Ken

CBT: A Quick Case Study

 One of the tools I use to improve my thinking, and therefore my overall mood and actions, and ultimately my experience of life, is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (the link leads to a good article explaining CBT). I've extolled the virtues of CBT before in this blog, and a situation came up recently in which I used CBT to quell some anxiety I was experiencing around the issue.

Background:

Nearly 12 years ago, while visiting Las Vegas, I was charged with misdemeanor battery due to an incident in which I kicked another person while I was intoxicated. The police did not arrest or detain me, they only issued a citation with a court date. I chose to be doing something else for the court date, and eventually went back home without ever appearing in court or otherwise trying to resolve the issue. I knew a bench warrant would probably be issued for my arrest, but, because it was a misdemeanor, and also because that's just the way I used to roll, I did my best to ignore the situation. Since that time, I've had several police contacts and a few jobs in Wisconsin, and the issue has never come up. It didn't even come up for the last two real jobs I had in Wisconsin, which was surprising to me, but, hey - whatever.

So a little over a year ago I moved to Arizona. After I got well enough to think about working, I thought about working in human services again. I had talked to people working in human services, and they told me of this thing Arizona has called a fingerprint card. Apparently, before getting hired in a human services job, the applicant shows up at their local police station, has their fingerprints taken, and a records and warrants search is done. Any outstanding warrants will prevent a person from getting the job for which they are applying until said warrants are cleared up. 

I knew about this close to a year ago, and knew that I'd have to take care of the warrant in Vegas; however, I didn't do anything about it until the warrant came up on a background check done by the management company of the apartment in which I'm now living. I explained the situation to the management company representative, and told her what it was about and that I'd take care of it. So, life is going good for me, and I have some money, and so I start looking into what I need to do to clear this thing up. 

The Activating Event:

Last week, I contacted an attorney outfit in Las Vegas, and they set up a free phone consultation with an attorney for me. Just doing this caused me some anxiety, but, as I'm usually able to do for future events, I simply put the anxiety on a shelf (that's not CBT). The phone consultation was today, and so yesterday and today (especially today) I'm feeling the anxiety about all of this. Let me note here that if I were not seeking to improve my future, I would continue to ignore my open warrant in Las Vegas. If I planned on keeping my current job until I retire, and thought I could live in my apartment forever, I'd just let it ride and avoid ever setting foot in the Great State of Nevada (which might present a problem as Arizona borders Nevada and vice versa).

CBT works if the person working it understands, at the very least, that it is an individual's thinking, or reaction to life, that contributes to psychological distress. A person has to understand that their own thinking is rife with what are called "cognitive distortions." In other words, and put very nicely, I don't see the world in a way that works very well for me, so if I want to change how I see the world, I need to change my thinking. I was first exposed to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the 90's when I was in prison. It didn't help me back then because I thought that whatever went on in my head was correct. Now that's sick! I held that attitude for many years, which kept me in my sickness.

Application of CBT:

For today's anxiety, I looked at what might be causing it. I ruled out the fear of going to jail, because, if I never set foot in Nevada, that's unlikely to happen (in most, if not all, states in the US, the police will not detain a person if they discover s/he has a misdemeanor warrant from another state. Felony warrants are different). There's a slight fear of having a 'violent' crime on my record - so far, everything I have is about theft and fraud. Yes, that really isn't anything to write home about, but in Earth law, some crimes are more forgivable than others. But I have hope that maybe the DA will let me plead to disorderly conduct and pay a fine. Even if it does stay as battery, I need to take my chances. So that's not where the fear was.

My fear and anxiety surrounded talking with the lawyer, and being judged by the lawyer. Secondary to that fear was the lawyer would ask for as much money as I have saved up. In CBT, we look for the evidence that supports our thinking. The only evidence that supports being worried about speaking with an attorney is that they can be an authority figure - when engaging an attorney, one is giving the attorney some power over their life. That's not what bugged me - I do that with doctors all the time. What my anxiety was focused on was the fear of being judged. The same thing happens when I do any sort of application - I feel like I'm giving someone an opportunity to judge me. (I don't know why I don't have that anxiety surrounding writing this blog or sharing in meetings).  

Reframing:

Sometimes we need help with seeing things in a different light; sometimes we can do it on our own. Today I chose to do it on my own. What I came up with is that it is a criminal attorney's job to help people who have been arrested and charged with a crime. They protect people's rights and try to get them the best deal possible. People like me are criminal attorneys' bread and butter - if s/he were to judge me, they'd be a piss-poor attorney. What's s/he going to do - call me a useless shithead and hang up on me? Probably not. Even if s/he did, it's not like s/he'd done anything to really harm me, but I doubt that the attorney is going to judge me. As far as the secondary fear about the money - I just have to find out how much it will cost and go from there. But this is the kicker: At any point in the process, I have the power to stop the process - I don't have to go through with anything. 

Outcome:

I would love to write that after I worked the above process, the anxiety completely dissipated; however, that's not what happened. What did happen was I was able to see more clearly that erroneous thinking and a belief that no longer serves me were informing my anxiety. If I want to progress and enjoy my life more abundantly, I need to get past my fear of being judged - ever, by anyone. (I have to some extent, but not entirely). The other thing that happened was my anxiety abated enough for me to go through with the call.

We could leave it at that, because, in a way, whatever happened with the attorney doesn't really matter. But I'll let you know: The attorney called me at precisely 1 pm, and we had a call that lasted 5 minutes and 11 seconds (so I screwed myself out of nearly 25 minutes of talking with a lawyer for free!). I briefly outlined the charge and explained why I haven't done anything about it for 12 years. He explained that he can look into what he can do for a deposit of $xxx. Notice it's 3 figures - I can work with that. So, I'm going to send him the money and he's going to see what he can do and let me know. The guy was really nice to talk with, too - very friendly and professional.

Summary:

The way CBT is supposed to work is that if I follow this process enough times, my skillful thinking will become automatic, just like my shitty thinking is automatic now. Much has already changed in my thinking using this process, but, obviously, there's still more to work on.

The Spiritual Angle:

If the faith that my Creator always loves me and supports me in doing the right thing were more in my heart than in my head, I wouldn't have needed this process. Fortunately, my Creator has given me many paths to faith, and if I continue to follow them, I will find myself more and more in spiritual alignment.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has given you something positive to keep.

Namasté,

Ken

Priceless

I received a raise at work. It was a surprise to me - I didn't expect it, and nobody told me it was coming. I found out by looking at my paycheck stub, and noticing that my rate of pay was higher starting January 1st. It's a nice way to start the New Year. So I don't know if this raise was based on performance, or if it was a New Year raise that was given across the board. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I won't.

One of my core beliefs that I am working to change because it has informed some of my less-than-skillful behavior is that "I am worthless and I can't take care of myself, and nobody else will, either." There's a lot of evidence for this belief, but it's self-fulfilling evidence. There's also been some evidence over the past few years that supports the opposite of this belief, and informs the belief that "I am valuable, and I am able to take care of myself when I'm aligned with the Universe (or God's will or however you want to put it).

I am valuable, and I have value - whether I'm working or not, or whether or not I have money. As humans, we have a tendency to 'rank' things - to say this is more valuable than that, or even this person is more valuable than that person. I may not say it out loud, but in my mind it's there. 

I feel that in my heart is a recognition that all of us, our lives, are valuable. The evidence for that is that in the 80's I worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them. In the 10's (this century) I again worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them as well. In customer service, which I've done off and on throughout my life, I've valued the people whom I served. Once I take a few seconds to talk with or get to know someone a little, I see the person inside, rather than their outward identity. At the end of my posts, I write 'Namasté', which is a word that is often used to say, "The Divine in me honors the Divine in you." Like every other spiritual principle, I don't practice this perfectly. Sometimes I meet people whose outward identity, persona, personality, is so strong that I cannot see past that to recognize our kinship in Spirit; but, for the most part, if I make the effort, I can connect with another person enough to see the Divine in them. 

I started off this post with mentioning a raise. My wage is currently a little bit above minimum wage. Fortunately, minimum wage in the state in which I live is currently a lot higher than the federal minimum wage. For the most part, I enjoy my job, and I do my best, no matter what I get paid, because I endeavor to live my life from the inside out. However, I know my wage does not reflect my true worth, even my true worth to the company; my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. Let me say that again - my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. It isn't about how others see me - it is about how I see myself. So I am working on recognizing, appreciating, and sharing my strengths, my abilities, and my purpose with others.

Nobody can pay me what I'm really worth. Nobody can pay you what you're really worth. Often, we use monetary value to judge another's worth. Often, it seems, it's tops on the list of ways in which we categorize and judge others. We look for signs of material wealth to try to know what value another holds. This is a very human thing to do. Human egos need to categorize and place a value on everything - this person is worth more than that person; this person is the richest person in the world.

So I'll say right here that how ever much money the richest person in the world possesses is chump change to God, because God owns everything, and has infinite abundance. So when I place a judgment on someone's worth by how much they have, or how rich they look, or by how poor they look, I am using my limited human perception, and am missing much. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we all have more value than we can fathom with our limited human mindset. 

I always struggled with money in the past. I usually never had enough, even though I've had jobs that paid fairly well and received money through other channels. The reason I never had enough was because I one of the biggest ways I judged myself was by how much money I had, and deep down I did not have a belief that I was worth anything. Money meant something different to me than it does now - money was an indicator of how good I was, or how much I deserved to just be. Yep, it was that sick. And I was putting the cart before the horse - I thought more money would give me more intrinsic worth. It's actually the other way around - the more I value myself and my life, the more likely I am to not have problems or issues surrounding money. 

For about the past four months, I have not been broke, even for a day. This is a lifetime record for me, I think. It's close, anyway. I have never prospered financially, even though I've had a few great opportunities in my life to at least break even. I know that this year we've had assistance and such due to the pandemic, but I can say quite confidently that if I didn't have a new attitude, those financial boosts wouldn't have helped me much. Money used to burn a hole in my pocket, so to speak - if I received a large amount, it usually dissipated quite quickly, and I was broke again.

I don't know how it happened - I don't know how a lot of stuff happened over the past year - but my attitude toward myself, toward money, and toward a lot of things began to turn. My self-worth and self-esteem skyrocketed (it's still not great, but it's a lot lot better than it ever was). Part of it was coming to Arizona. I came here sick and broke, and people took care of me. Nobody, absolutely nobody suggested that I go back whence I came, or at least go to another state. A huge amount of money, time, and love has been spent on helping me get better. I began to look at that, and say and think to myself, "This can't be happening if I have no value. I have to be worth something!" 

So I began to concentrate on all the ways in which I am valuable. Remember, whatever I focus on grows and grows - if I focus on my weaknesses, they grow; if I focus on my strengths, they grow. And let me tell you, over the past 15 months, I've discovered a lot of strengths. I began to discover that I am worthy, and I began to believe it and act like it.

I began to receive valuable things - food, clothing, shelter. I began to give back - earn my keep, so to speak. I began practicing gratitude, and I began to see all the blessings in my life - even when I didn't have a dime in my pocket. I began to appreciate things, and I began to appreciate how I am loved and supported by the Universe - love and support that is always there if I am open to it. I began to learn how to accept my many blessings, instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. And as I began to really accept and appreciate my blessings, the amount of money I possessed became less important, and, when I did receive money, I didn't blow it - I used it wisely. I treated it as a precious gift, like everything else I've been given. I know how much money I have, and I know how much I need on a monthly basis to sustain myself, but it isn't my number one priority. I trust today that if I'm doing the right thing and staying connected to my Source, I will be taken care of. 

I recently became homeful, and I am living with a housemate in a very nice place that is affordable, which is unusual for this city - the rents are inflated for some reason. Yesterday, I submitted our move-in inspection form to our rental agency. I mentioned on it that all three of our faucets have leaks. They weren't bad, but I wanted to mention it. Today their maintenance guy/handyman came in and replaced all 3 faucets! I never expected that. I didn't expect anything! So I'm still like "Wow"! I accept the new faucets; I value them, appreciate them, and I am grateful. And I didn't spend an extra cent. So things like this happen - unexpected gifts - and I see in them my Higher Power taking care of me. I see in our affordable rent, and the cushion or float that I have saved, my Creator taking care of me. 

So here's my point - or points:  

In essence, I am priceless. I started out talking about how I make now a little over minimum wage. I am not bothered by that - it is not an indicator of what I am truly worth. My store couldn't pay me what I'm worth. Nobody can. But I am grateful for what I do receive, and it becomes enough for me to live on, plus a little extra to save, plus a little extra to give. And I know that the more I discover and appreciate my true worth, the more I will move into positions to receive more, and the more I'll have to give - not only in money, but in friendship, time, love, and support.

Additionally, I have to keep the belief that you are priceless as well. And you and you and you. And even you! You are priceless. We all have great gifts given us that we have yet to uncover and utilize. I need to remember this in order to avoid thinking that I'm better than anyone else according to what I have. I used to think that I was lower or worse than everyone else - this is false humility. And there have been times that I thought I was better than everybody else. The Truth of the matter is that I am no better nor any worse than anyone else.  

The evidence of our worth is not how much we have, but how much we give. We cannot outgive our Creator, and the more we give of ourselves, the more we find we have to give. That's been true for me all along my journey - when I freely give, and freely receive, I receive back more than I give. My human brain doesn't comprehend that, but my heart does. And when I let go of my fear of not having or not being enough, and give without worry, I am well taken care of.

Namasté,

Ken