Into the Light

I realized recently (with the help of others around me) that I really don't have a lot of faith. I also realized recently that I don't seem to feel stress directly - I'll have several things going on in my life, and I may feel dragged down, or even overwhelmed, but I don't attribute my feeling toward any particular event or situation - I just feel weighed down. And I realized this morning that the lack of faith and not recognizing stress are related.
What made me realize that I ignore stress was the feeling of being weighed down last week after a period of feeling relatively upbeat and energetic. I began to analyze what was going on in my life - I'm looking for better employment (panning for gold is ok, but not really my thing), I'm looking for my next place to live, and I have two medical procedures coming up in September. I realized that these situations are stressful, and that I wasn't really recognizing the situations as such. I was doing what I usually do with stuff I don't want to face - I stick it somewhere where I don't see it so I don't have to acknowledge it.
I must have an inner garbage can where I stick stuff I don't want to deal with. Maybe an inner dumpster. But my ignoring it does not make it go away. It's still there. Eventually my dumpster gets full enough that I begin to feel it in the form of decreased energy and a negative attitude. If I let it go long enough, the dumpster overflows, and I feel overwhelmed, and I begin to feel self-destructive, and sometimes take self-destructive actions.
Lack of faith is related to this habit, this process of stuffing. Faith is like a muscle. Faith is more than belief, it is belief married to action. I can do two things with the stuff going on in my life - I can toss it in the ignore bin, and hope it goes away on its own or maybe deal with it later, or I can bring it into the light, talk about it with others, and turn it over to my Higher Power. I haven't done that very much, so my Faith Muscle is atrophied.
I don't want to fill my dumpster anymore. I don't want to carry extra weight around anymore. So what I've begun to do is to share whatever would normally feel stressful with someone I trust, pray, take whatever action I can about the situation, and leave the results up to my Higher Power. 
This is a new thing for me. I've spent my whole life being a stuffer. I've also spent almost my whole life in and out of depression and in and out of early recovery. I'd like to move past that now. My intention is to get rid of the dumpster and face, with the help of others and my Higher Power, whatever is placed in front of me to face. My hope is that I will strengthen my faith muscle and begin to live life day to day instead of from one overwhelming crisis to the next overwhelming crisis.

Namasté,

Ken    

Golden Attitude

I recently had an experience that showed me tangibly how important, how powerful, attitude is. The job I have is a lot like panning for gold. The gold is the goal, and I and my coworkers have various streams in which to find the gold. We are given a goal for the day - find x amount of gold - and we are expected to meet or exceed that goal.
I've been at this job a couple of months, and I was having difficulty meeting my goal. There was always something in the way. Following is the list of 'obstacles' I was encountering:
     I don't have the right equipment
     People around me aren't doing their job, which impacts on      mine
     My coworkers are lying when they report how much 'gold'        they have mined
     I find nothing but garbage in all of my 'streams'
     The goals are stupid
This was my basic list of obstacles, or reasons (excuses) why I couldn't meet my goal.
I have been taught that the most important aspect of me that I bring to any situation is my attitude. I know this, but it is difficult to practice sometimes. One of my shortcomings seems to be that I can easily find what's wrong in any given situation. That seems to come naturally to me. What is challenging is finding what's right or what's good about any given situation.
Jesus said, "Seek and you will find." I interpret that to mean that whatever I'm looking for, I will find. So, if I'm expecting to find garbage in my stream and no gold, that's what I'm going to get - garbage, no gold (or very little).
So, over the couple of months that I've been at my job, I've been endeavoring to change the way I look at my job through setting my intention and prayer. At first, I just intended to reach my goal. That wasn't enough, because of the obstacles (listed above) that were in my way. So what I learned to do first was to doubt the obstacles. All of my obstacles were subjective judgments on my part and weren't necessarily the truth. With that came some acceptance - acceptance that this is the way things are where I work, and I'm not going to change it, so I better get ok with it. 
Yesterday at work I finally made the goal. I had overcome the last obstacle, which was "I find nothing but garbage in all of my streams." This is the most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, because it requires me to look past the 'facts'. It requires me to stretch my beliefs. It requires me to doubt my own perception of the way things are. It means that what Jesus taught really is true, that my life is not what happens to me or what goes on around me, but is what is going on inside of me.
This is a powerful lesson for me. It shows me that if I can set aside my own doubts about my ability to succeed, no matter where those doubts come from or how long I've had them, that I can succeed.
I am grateful today for the willingness and courage to continue to move forward and actually apply the principles I've learned.

Namasté,

Ken      

Destigmatizing Part 1

I am a recovering person.  I am in recovery from alcoholism and I am in recovery from depression. I have more experience in recovery from alcoholism.  Active recovery from depression is still new to me. 
Obviously, I don't have a problem with sharing about my alcoholism, both the active (drinking) side and the recovery (sober) side.  I have accepted that alcoholism is a part of my journey, and I am happy to be on the sober side of it.  Life's a lot easier when I am sober.
I have experienced depression since I was a child, but it has taken a very long time for me to accept depression as part of my life like I do alcoholism.  I sent out a cover letter for a position today, and, because of the nature of the job for which I am applying and because of my current situation, I let my prospective employer know I am in recovery from alcoholism. I did not mention in my cover letter about being in recovery from depression.  My thought was that that might make me less desirable (right here is where you're supposed to laugh).
I grew up in the 60s and 70s, when mental illness was rarely talked about, and when not as much was known about it. There was lots of stuff back then that wasn't talked about much.  It wasn't too long ago that people with mental illness were thought to be possessed by demons, which figuratively isn't too far from the truth. Some people still believe that today.
So, I wasn't too open to the idea of living with depression. I just wanted to be rid of it. Today, I don't believe that I will be rid of it in this lifetime. This doesn't mean I have to suffer from it; it just means that I have to adjust my habits so that I manage my depression, instead of my depression managing me.  
What helped me accept and manage alcoholism was recognizing that alcoholism is still going on in me whether I'm drinking or not. It takes on a different form when I'm sober; or, more accurately, the other-than-drinking symptoms of alcoholism are more apparent to me when I'm sober. Today I can recognize the symptoms of my dis-ease, and separate my dis-ease from me. My hope is that I can learn to do that with depression as well - to recognize the symptoms as symptoms of dis-ease, and not as signs that I am a deficient or defective person.
This is enough for one post; I will continue in 'Destigmatizing Part 2'.

Namasté,

Ken      

Destigmatizing Part 2

What I'm really talking about when I write 'destigmatizing' is destigmatizing myself. As far as alcoholism goes, I really don't care if someone thinks I'm 'less than' for experiencing it. Of course, being sober helps with that. I'm not ashamed that I go to recovery support meetings to get and to give support, and I'm no longer ashamed that I don't stay sober on my own. I have accepted that this is the way it is, and it works. So destigmatizing is really about acceptance - not someone else's, but my own.

I mentioned in the last post that alcoholism continues whether or not I drink. Abstinence from alcohol and other mood altering drugs is only the start of recovery. In the end, abstinence is what other people look for in the alcoholic. Most people don't have a shit to give if the alcoholic is happy with his/her life and him/herself while not drinking - people just want the guy/gal to stop drinking so that they are no longer a menace to themselves and others. Those of us in real recovery from alcoholism know that because of the damage done to our psyches and our souls by active alcoholism, there's a lot more for us to do than just stop drinking. By the time a person experiencing alcoholism makes it to recovery, his/her mind has been warped to the extent that it needs retraining for the individual to live sober without going crazy. And the effects of alcoholism never really go away, they can only be effectively managed. The symptoms of alcoholism that I manage are selfishness, self-pity, self-obsession, resentment, obsession, and fear. There are other symptoms as well, but those are the biggies.

Alcoholism and depression share some symptoms.  For me, the shared symptoms are self-pity, self-obsession, and fear. For these symptoms, my program of recovery from alcoholism manages these symptoms. However, there are other symptoms that need to be managed as well, or the depression comes back, and life becomes so painful that I drink again. The additional symptoms for me are a constant feeling of being not good enough, a sense of separation from all of life, the inability to enjoy life, self-sabotaging behaviors and attitudes, a general dislike of myself, a desire to escape life, and a desire to die.
Before I accepted that I am experiencing the dis-ease of alcoholism, it felt as though alcoholism was me. Today I can separate myself from that dis-ease; there was a time in my life when I couldn't. And when I am experiencing the symptoms of depression, it is difficult to see that they are symptoms, and not me. The dislike of me, the self-hatred and the desire to die are not me, they are symptoms that something about me needs attention.
So one of my goals is to accept and understand that I am first and foremost a human being and a child of God, and that nothing in me or about me detracts from that status. When there is stuff going on with me, it's stuff to deal with, not reasons for giving up on life. And I have been given the tools to deal with that stuff; it's up to me to implement them, and I am not alone in my experience.
And if I need to question why I have to deal with this 'stuff' (alcoholism and depression), perhaps I can remember that because of it, in my recoveries my life is much richer than it ever would have been otherwise.

Namasté,

Ken

Loving Myself

Just writing the title of this post is scary.
Many years ago, my first love (loosely defined) said to me that I couldn't love anyone else until I loved myself. I don't know that that is strictly true, but I got the gist of it. I've been self-destructive in various ways ever since I can remember, and self-destructive people don't love themselves. She recognized this, and while I don't necessarily believe that self-love is a mandatory requirement for loving others, I do believe that a healthier, stronger love emanates from people who love themselves.
I believe this as well: that if I love myself, I will find less inner resistance to taking the actions necessary for me to stay in recovery from alcoholism and depression. I liken it to the parent who would do anything, give up anything, even their own life, to see their sick child get well. (I have no children, so I don't know what that feels like). If I am loving myself, I will do all I can to ensure a healthy, happy life. Again, I haven't always done that - quite the opposite, really.
So, if I don't know how to love myself, how do I start? There are a couple of things I can do to start loving myself. The first, and I think I've done this, is begin to accept that I am a worthy person simply because I Am. I exist. If the Universe, my Creator, God, has brought me into existence and sustained me thus far, it must mean that I'm an integral part of the Universe, and that I have worth. What is helping me in this regard is the plethora of people I have in my life that like me, love me, support and encourage me. I'm not bragging here - I really don't think I'm anything special, but I've got people in my life who think I am, and I began to stop ignoring this evidence a couple of years ago. So I do my best to not push people out of my life, but rather to believe that what they see in me is truly there.
Second, I can begin to take the actions of a person who loves himself. When I got sober, I didn't know how to stay sober, but I began to take the actions of someone who does know how by following the examples I was given from others who live a sober life. But the key to self-love is inside of me, not outside. How do I access the inner voice, my higher self, to find out what to do? One of the people out there that I follow calls herself Teal Swan, and in one of her videos, Self Love -The Great Shortcut to Enlightenment - Teal Swan, she suggests that on a daily basis for 365 days when confronted with a choice or a decision to ask, "What would a person who loved themselves do?" This allows our intuition, our inner guidance, to direct us, rather than constantly relying upon the reactions of the people in our lives. I have just started doing this, but I have faith that, if I am willing to listen to my intuition, I will begin to behave in the manner of one who loves himself, and maybe even begin to love myself.
The deal is this - I've spent enough time and energy hating myself and trying to self-destruct. I still don't know all the causes for my self-hatred, but whatever they are no longer seems important. What is important to me today is that I begin to live my life the way my Creator intended. Self-hatred does nothing except hurt me and those around me. That's not what God wants - God really, really does not get off on Eternal Punishment. It does nothing for a better world. So my commitment is to use the multitude of tools I have to show up in this world the best I can as God's love in action, and it starts with loving what God created, and that includes me.
Thank you for reading this far and I pray that your days are filled with an ever increasing realization of who You Really Are.

Namasté,

Ken

The Journey

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey in recovery, and the emphasis is on recognizing and accepting both my human aspect and my spiritual aspect. I haven't done a lot of chronicling lately, but I have been going down the road a bit.

I live with alcoholism and depression. I am currently in recovery from both, meaning that I am actively taking steps to keep both diseases in remission. I do a lot in order to maintain my recoveries; very fortunately, all of the things I do to treat my conditions are completely beneficial to me, and even to others. I know people who live with other conditions, and must make many sacrifices in order to continue living. The things I do, the actions I take, may seem to me, at times, like sacrifices, but, in reality, they are not. All of what I do enriches my life.

For a long time, I denied my depression. Well, to be honest, for a long time I denied my alcoholism as well. After I accepted that I have alcoholism, and began to live in the solution, things got better - for a minute. I thought that I could treat my alcoholism, and the depression would leave, or at least that I could control it. Over the past 10 weeks, I've come to accept that I cannot control depression any more than I can control alcoholism. So I surrendered.

Surrender, in the case of alcoholism and depression, does not mean giving up or giving in. It means that I stop trying to figure out a solution to my problems on my own. It means I admit that, as far as staying sober and staying sane goes, I haven't a clue as to what to do. And when I surrender, when I cease fighting these things, the door opens to the solution(s).

The method I've chosen (or perhaps it chose me) for staying sober and learning to live sober is a spiritual approach. The method I tried to use for depression, after I accepted that I needed to take continuous action, was spiritual and physical in nature. The physical actions I was taking weren't quite enough, and so I obtained a prescription for an anti-depressant, and I began to be able to crawl out of the hole I had dug for myself. There is more to do than merely take a pill, but what the pill does is alter my brain chemistry enough to allow me to access and use the other tools I have (of which this blog is actually one). It's the difference between merely surviving and the possibility of thriving. (I'm somewhere in-between right now).

The really good news is that if I am open, willing, and honest, and somewhat humble, I have the resources available to live a really nice, purposeful life. I have a lot of support, and I will write about that support in upcoming posts. It has taken me a relatively long time to accept that I'm not an island, and when I'm a self-made man, that man is a not a man I like very much. When I open myself up to help, and to mutual aid, I like myself, and I contribute to life. It's really a pretty simple formula, but not always easy to do. I often trip over myself; fortunately now, when I stumble, I have someone to help me stand again.

If you've read this far, thank you. I hope you received something from reading; I know the writing helps me. I don't know much about the road ahead, except that it contains both joy and sadness, gains and losses, sunshine, rain, and probably some snow, too. All of this is part of life, and my goal is to accept life on life's terms, so that I may live fully, as I believe my Creator intended all of us to live. What that actually looks like, we'll have to wait and see...

Namasté,

Ken