Living the Process

I was reminded this morning while texting a friend about something that is very important to my recovery (which includes my physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual well-being) and that is that I must keep my focus on the process, not the product. What I wrote to my friend (and essentially myself) was this: "I have to remind myself often that life for me is about process, not product. It's really nice when things turn out the way I want them to, but if I base my attitude about myself and life on my expectations, I'm setting myself up for disappointment."
During my lifetime, I've had two failed marriages, three unsuccessful stabs at higher education, a plethora of jobs that seemed to go nowhere, 22 vehicles, none of which I have today, and a host of other un-success stories. To say that things have not turned out the way I wanted is a huge understatement. Yet today, in this moment, I am happy, and I feel useful, and I feel optimistic about this day. Additionally, I have people in my life who love and support me, and who think I'm an ok guy and that my life is worthwhile. So how can a miserable failure be happy and feel useful? Am I nuts? Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with it. It's all about attitude, and my attitude today is 'what can I put into this day', rather than 'what am I going to get out of this day.'
When I base my life on what I think the results of my activities should be, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Many people, me included, believe (or used to believe) that success is about our bank account balances, the desirability of our spouse, the luxury of our homes and cars, the importance of our jobs or careers*, and the level of our education. And it isn't that that stuff doesn't matter; it does. It's just that what we have on the outside is tiny compared to what we are on the inside (Emerson). So, as I was going for all of those outer things, I was doing little to nothing to develop my insides.
*If you want to find out what the most important job is, see what happens when trash collectors go on strike.
Additionally, I need to know that it's ok if not everything I touch turns to gold. Gold isn't the only elemental metal out there, and if it were, our lives would actually be a lot poorer. Gold has its purpose, but so does platinum, zinc, copper, nickel, iron, titanium, and aluminum, just to mention a few. In other words, if I believe in a Higher Purpose underlying and guiding all things in the Universe, then I must believe that however things turn out is in alignment with that Higher Purpose. It's not always easy to believe that on a case by case basis, but when I look at where and how I've been, and where and how I am now, it's believable.
Not all of my moments are filled with this vision of being an accepting giver rather than a seeker and taker, but it's becoming more frequent. So what's my process today? Part of it is to expand my awareness that I am the child of a Loving Creator who has value and purpose, and part of it is to give away the love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, joy, enthusiasm, insight, and other great qualities that I find I've been given. So, in essence, my process today is to do my best to allow my Creator to live in me and through me in each and every situation in which I find myself, and to leave the results up to my Creator, trusting that I am always loved and always cared for. That's actually a big order, and I'm not going to do it perfectly today; however, if I can keep that idea in mind and heart and do my best with what I've got to follow it, then today will be a success. No matter what.
And I've heard that in order to ensure that my tomorrows are good, I should do the best with what I have today.
Namasté,

Ken    

Celebrating Sobriety

I noticed my last post was about health. This one is related as well. It seems that when one passes the 50 year mark, thoughts and conversations become more about health - what parts we've lost, what parts we've had replaced, which parts hurt when we wake up in the morning, and which parts still seem to be working just fine.
In sobriety, health becomes a main concern, too. I realize that, as I mentioned in the last post, I abused my body with alcohol and other drugs off and on for many years. Alcohol affects every organ in the body, so when one is earnestly seeking recovery from alcoholism, one also becomes concerned with repairing the other damage.
So the rest of the post has nothing to do with the introduction other than I visited the oral surgeon today to have two teeth removed that had become more problematic than helpful. Sort of like unwanted employees, I guess. Anyway, I had 3 choices of anesthesia - local (Novocain, which numbs any part into which it is injected), Novocain with nitrous oxide (laughing gas), or conscious sedation (what I had when I had my colonoscopy). I indicated on the paperwork that I wanted the conscious sedation. My reason was because I had no side effects - i.e., cravings - from that type of sedation. I did not want the nitrous oxide, because I have abused it in the past, and it is the closest in effect in my mind to drinking. The good doctor either didn't read my paperwork or didn't care, but he used only Novocain. I thought he was going to cut the teeth out, but he pulled them. My wonder is why I was sent to an oral surgeon to have something done that a regular dentist could have done. File under: Oh well, whatever.
One of the things I need to work on in my recovery is assertiveness. Some days are better than others. This was an 'other' day. I did not tell the oral surgeon that I didn't want any narcotic painkillers prescribed to me, so he did. My plan was that I would take the ibuprofen I have at home. That's still my plan. I told the pharmacist to only fill the antibiotic prescription, not the painkillers.
Here I had to think - to choose one option out of several that came to mind. I used to use opiate painkillers recreationally. I have never gotten addicted to them. Sometimes it was years between use, but I took opportunities when they presented themselves to use them to get high. Every time I did, I was in abstention from alcohol, but not necessarily what I would call sober.
So all of the old thoughts came back - do I want to catch an opiate buzz for a few days? Nobody would know. Then I thought of honesty, which I've been practicing rigorously for the last 4 months (by the way, I celebrated 4 months of sobriety yesterday). I go to my recovery groups, I have my spiritual mentor whom I talk with several times a week, I have a therapist, and lots of friends in recovery. These questions came to mind, "Do I really want to hide my use from all of these people? Can I stand the feelings that my dishonesty would generate? Is using worth it?"
Then, I got an even better thought - I've worked really, really hard for the past 4 months to stay sober and to get into recovery from depression. "Do I want to jeopardize the progress I've made?"
Then I made the realization that I've actually been feeling fairly consistently good for the past month or two. "Do I want or even need to change the way I'm feeling right now?" I recognized that I appreciate my sobriety and my mental/emotional health, and that feels good. It feels good to acknowledge that I can live life happily and successfully without the use of mood-altering chemicals. Something is going right today and I don't want to change it.
I'm grateful for this experience. It showed me what I truly have right now, and it showed me that I can make skillful choices. I am grateful to be in recovery, and I'm grateful for my life today. Four months ago, I could not have honestly said (or written) that.

Namasté,

Ken    

Celebrating Physical Health

Seeing as this blog is about coming to terms with being a spiritual being having a human experience, it makes sense (to me) to write about my physical health, in addition to my spiritual and mental/emotional health.
Yesterday, I experienced my very first colonoscopy. I don't remember the actual procedure at all, for which I'm grateful. The worst part of the whole process is the prep, and I didn't find it all that bad. Of course, I'm comparing it to some bouts of gastric distress I've had when I used to drink, and the gastric distress necessary for the colonoscopy doesn't come close. I found out after the procedure that I have no polyps whatsoever, but I do have diverticulosis (pockets in the large intestine that can become irritated or inflamed at times). I suspected the diverticulosis, and I treat it with a high-fiber diet, which seems to manage it pretty well.
I was very pleasantly surprised with the results - they were better than what I had imagined as a best-case scenario, and way better that my imagined worst-case scenario. I'm in pretty good health for a 53 year-old man, and I'm in very good health for all the crap I've put my body through over the years. So when I think about my nice, clean, colon, I feel good. And I'm thankful.
Here are some other physical things I'm grateful for: my eyesight (though not perfect, it's pretty good), my healthy heart, my healthy lungs, my healthy muscles, the ability to walk, the ability to ride my bike every day, the ability to hear, the ability to taste, the ability to still think reasonably well.
My tendency, and I don't think I'm alone, is, when something isn't physically quite right, to focus on what's wrong. Yesterday and today I realize that at any given time I'm 90-98% healthy - most stuff seems to be in working order. When I remember that, it feels good to be taking this journey in this body. When I forget it, the journey seems to suck.
So today I'm grateful for my body and all that it can do, and that gratitude helps me to take care of it by exercising it and feeding it well. Gratitude for my physical health is one more reason to stay clean and sober.
Humans are 3-part beings - body, mind, and spirit - and each part affects the other. I can't neglect one part, and hope that the other two stay healthy for long. So it's important to me to do something each day for the health of each of these parts - to feed my body well, my mind well, and my spirit well. All of those things are abundantly possible today, and I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken    

Envy

I was talking with my mentor last night, and it came up that I don't really have a real appreciation for who I am and all that I have. I understand that this attitude can be an impediment to my recovery, but I am unsure of how to develop a healthy appreciation for...me. And my life. My mentor didn't have a clear-cut answer either, and directed me to my Higher Power. Often when I am faced with something that seems unknown or impossible to me, I will ask God (the short name for my Higher Power) the question, "How?". How do I go about developing an appreciation for me, my life, and all that I have?
When I am truly open and receptive to the answer, I get answers in many different ways. Often God speaks to me through the people in my life. Sometimes God speaks to me through situations and events, or things I notice. Once in a while I get an intuitive thought that I don't know where it came from.
So here are the answers I received from my question:
My mentor has been in recovery for 12 years. Because he has been consistently applying spiritual principles to living, he has experienced the fruits of that. I was thinking about some of his material fruits, which include advancement in his career, a good relationship, a nice home, and two reliable cars. And that led me to think about a couple of my relatives, who also have all that stuff, and whom I envy. And that surprised me that I made that connection - I can't envy my mentor, can I? Envy is a form of resentment, and it is not good for my recovery, my mental health, nor my spiritual health.
One of my readings this morning talked about the idea that I can't receive gifts from God if my hands are full of resentments and other stuff from the past. In order to enjoy the abundance of blessings that surrounds me today, I need to be willing to let go of the 'stuff' of yesterday. 
This morning as I was riding my bike to a recovery meeting, I passed by an open air storage facility that I did not know existed. There were rows and rows of cars just sitting there parked. When I saw that, my thinking was, "What a waste. Those cars just sitting there, and me without a car." (Yes, a sense of entitlement goes along with my envy).
At the meeting, the topic was discovering our obstacles to our relationship with a Higher Power.
Ok, I get it. I can't get what I desire, both spiritually and materially, if I am focused on what other people seem to have spiritually and materially and think to myself, "Why can't/don't I have what others have?" Why is not a spiritual question; how is. How do I go about obtaining that which I desire (sobriety, sanity, peace of mind, stable employment that allows me to live comfortably, good relationships, etc.)?
I think the answer is in celebrating others' accomplishments and practicing gratitude for my own gifts and accomplishments, rather than focusing on what I think I don't have. I have a lot; I really, really do have a lot. But, up until now, I have been spending a lot of thought energy on what others have that I don't. It is time to celebrate what others have (for there is no 'private' good - we are all connected so what is good for you is good for me) and it is time for me to be truly grateful for the abundance of gifts that I have. Whatever I focus on grows and grows; if I focus on what I lack, my lack grows. If I focus on what I do have, that will grow.
Today I am grateful for the ability and willingness to see life in a new light.

Namasté,

Ken