Letting Go of the Good to Make Room for the Better

 I've been trying to compose a post about reducing perfectionism, but I haven't yet got it quite right. So here's this post instead:

I've had several jobs that, besides what I was employed to do, have taught me a great deal about how to get along better in life, and how to practice spiritual principles. My current job is no exception. I am employed as a courtesy clerk at a chain grocery in Prescott. I have varied responsibilities, from cleaning, to customer service, to gophering, to reducing our liability by making sure the parking lot doesn't have a lot of stray carts. I like this job, both because I know how to do it, and because I get to be of service to others. I never want to diminish how important it is for me to have a chunk of time (up to 8 hours) during the day when I am 90-100% certain of what my next step is to be.

I've been at my job almost 2 months, I think, and I have evidence that I am exceeding expectations. Part of that evidence is that I am being trained as a checker, and have actually been scheduled one day (so far) in that role. A couple of days ago, one of the managers mentioned that on Friday and Saturday I'll be training a new courtesy clerk for 4 hours each day on how to open for. Ok - I'm not a big fan of training, but this is fairly simple work for most folks, and one can tell fairly quickly whether or not the trainee is going to succeed in the position. Earlier, a colleague and I had been talking about when we do a good job, we don't get a raise, we get more to do. That's actually fairly accurate for the grocery industry, as well as others, I'm sure.

Anyway, I asked the manager if I'd get training pay, and he said, "No, but if you do a good job training, you'll be able to get scheduled more often as a checker." He did not realize how profound that statement is.

As I mentioned above, almost every job has lessons for me to learn, because my Higher Power does not take a break while I'm working. And the lesson, or message, that I received today is so simple, I think it is often overlooked: In order to me to move forward or evolve in this lifetime, I must be willing to let go of my current position. And at work, if I want to move forward and upward in the company, I need to be willing to let go of the role in which I started.

Now let's take a look at (my) life and see how that can be applied. Certainly, if I want to progress in my education, I need to leave behind my last grade completed. That's usually how things work in our temporal world - we complete one level and then move on to the next. When applied spiritual evolution, the picture gets a bit murkier, but it isn't indiscernible. Say, for instance, that all my life I've been seeking something more than my current experience. I might find that 'something more' in alcohol or drugs. I might even find it in the addiction experience, where, if I survive, I will find that the alcohol and drugs no longer work for me, but I can't quit. At first, when I found alcohol and drugs, they were THE experience. I had arrived. But, bit by bit, I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't really what I was seeking; it was something more, but in a way that made me and others suffer.

Now here is where today's lesson becomes important: In order to get to the next level, I need to let go of the current experience. I must put down my drinking and drugging, and begin to seek a new path. Scary stuff, because the new path is unknown to me. There are times when the fear of what's next overpowers the misery in which I'm living. Now, hopefully, in the temporal world, I don't have to be miserable in my current situation before I move on to my next; however, in the addiction world, which I think is both temporal and spiritual, that's often the way it works out. 

Today, specifically, I can apply this lesson to my practices of ending and beginning my day. Mostly what I've been doing before going to bed is surfing the web on my phone and then going to sleep when I got tired enough. This isn't really good sleep hygiene, and good sleep hygiene is important to my recovery - both my sobriety and my mental health - and it is especially important now that I have a job that starts at 6am, because getting up early to get to work at 6 is not normally in my nature. Therefore, if I want to consistently get up on time and in a good frame of mind, I need to make sure I go to bed in the best frame of mind - with a clear conscience and looking forward to the next day (God willing). What I just started a few nights ago is letting go of surfing before bed, and instead ending my day with thoughtful examination, prayer, and meditation. I might have written about this before.

The principle here is that whatever I'm focusing my energy on today is going to stay in my experience until I begin focusing my energy on what I would like to experience next. People living with addiction who successfully abstain from alcohol and drugs don't focus on not drinking and using; we focus on practicing the tools of recovery. Similarly, I don't move away from mental illness by focusing on its symptoms; I get better, again, by practicing skillful coping mechanisms, and finding out what works for me.

Speaking of which, I have been nearly symptom-free from depression for about 10 weeks now. That is a really long time for me, and I do not recall being as hopeful, motivated, and willing as I am now for a very long time. If I knew exactly how that came about, I would certainly share it. I believe that a lot of factors, physically, mentally, and spiritually have come together over the past two months. But I had to let go of the need to feel shitty about myself and my life in order to get better. I have to be willing to walk into my future without knowing exactly for sure what it's going to be like. This is a point at which many alcoholics begin recovery - "I don't know what not drinking is going to be like, but it's gotta be better than this!"

Another area of my life to which this applies is my living situation. I'm currently in sober living, and I don't like it too much for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of things that I live with that I wouldn't have to live with if I lived alone or with one other person. I desire moving on from where I'm at, so I've laid the groundwork: I've begun looking for rooms, roommates, and apartments; I've been letting others in recovery know that I'm looking; and I've sent in a prayer request to my church, as well as prayed myself. Now, the next thing is to focus not on what I don't like about where I'm living, but about what is good about where I'm living - in other words, to be grateful for the things that I like about where I'm at. These include, but aren't limited to: I'm grateful for hot water; I'm grateful for the really nice view; I'm grateful just to have a roof over my head; I'm grateful that I live a half-mile from work; I'm grateful the rent is affordable; I'm grateful for wi-fi; I'm grateful that I currently have a room to myself, etc. 

The challenge is that I cannot see into the future. I can say that I believe it will be good, but I have no idea where or with whom I'll be living in, say, a month or two from now. In the meantime, I'm doing my best at making the best of my current situation, and coming to believe that no matter what, I am supported by my Higher Power. It's a practice.

I want to use this last paragraph to first of all thank you for reading this far! Thank you! Also, something I was thinking about recently - part of me wants me to be able to write the absolute Truth, the absolute Answer for everything. That's where I get hung up sometimes, because it can't be done (not today, anyway) - I haven't uncovered the Complete Truth yet, and probably won't in this life time. But it's not about that; it's about the journey. It's also about giving readers an opportunity to ponder some of my experiences and thoughts and to see what insights you might experience about your own life. Sharing and connection help me to have the kind of life experience I think a Loving God wants me to have. Nobody's in this thing alone.

Namasté,

Ken

Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken