Stigma Revisited

First impressions can be lasting. They don't have to be, but, sometimes they are. I continue to discover the cognitive distortions (thinking errors) in which I engage that need to be corrected, or adjusted. Usually the problem with a cognitive distortion, as the term implies, is that there is some element of truth in every thought - it's just that I've distorted it, for whatever reason. I think that most often cognitive distortions are assumptions and suppositions that are applied too broadly, or sometimes too permanently.

I have heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and I know that major depressive disorder is as well. For me, I can take a grain of truth and create a beach of misery. A great deal of my recovery involves discovering my distortions, accepting that I have them and operate by them, and practicing moving my thinking toward something more workable in my life. It's a lot of work for me. A half-century of bad thinking habits doesn't get turned around in one day, just because I realize my thinking sucks. I had to have a lot of help in the beginning, and sometimes still need help to see where my thinking is tripping me up - creating less-than-desirable results in my life.

So what does all this have to do with stigma? As I've mentioned once or twice before, the default for the human brain is auto-pilot. It's a mechanism designed to protect us, so that we don't have to consciously repeat our thinking every time we see a snake <DANGER!>. It's a good mechanism, very protective, but it's not always true. We may get scared by things that look like a snake - a gnarled stick, for instance. We might decide that anything with scales is bad for us, and transfer our fear of snakes onto harmless fish. According to the first thing that came up when I Googled it, stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." I can stigmatize myself, and have often done so, and I can stigmatize others.

I attended a class a few days ago, and learned some more about the human brain, which, big surprise, really interests me. The brain is a hugely complex organ, even more complex than what I had previously thought. It seems a miracle to me that we don't have more breakdowns. But what struck me is this: Our two most noticeable organs our body has are our skin (yes, the skin is an organ) and our brain. The skin, because it's our clothing - it's what people see about us - and our brain, because the workings of our brain show up in our speech and behavior. So, if to the beholder, someone's skin looks different than our own, or their behavior is different than we expect, the beholder's little reptilian brain can go into yellow or even red alert. If we see somebody who appears or behaves outside of our 'normal' range, we take notice. It happens naturally.

There are lots of types of stigma, but here, I'll focus on appearances and behavior. Many years ago, my very first real job was at a sheltered workshop for developmentally disabled adults. Now, many people with a developmental disability (what used to be called mental retardation) have physical appearances outside the norm. Let's pick on folks born with Down Syndrome, a disorder caused by a chromosomal mutation before birth. People who live with down syndrome are often mildly to moderately developmentally delayed. Physically, "A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm – although each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees, or not at all. (https://www.ndss.org/about-down-syndrome/down-syndrome) [emphasis added]. The very first thought someone might have when they encounter a person with Down Syndrome is, "They're different." Stigma starts when the person who has that thought never bothers to think past that first thought. Stigma continues on when the person attaches a judgment to their first thought - "they're different, so they're bad (or dangerous, or stupid, or evil, etc)." The disgrace of being born with Down Syndrome. That's stigma - attaching a negative judgment to someone, most often for something over which they have no control.

So often folks are pre-judged base on the condition with which they live, not on their behavior. To get past the initial thought, one very often has to get to know someone - to sit down and talk with someone, and listen, and work at understanding. One has to look past the outer appearance, and past the brain, to see who is really in there. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes intention, it takes effort. Mother Teresa said she saw Jesus in everyone she met. In order for her to do that, she had to look. She had to put forth the effort, because most of the people she dealt with were sick and impoverished. 

I love people today that years ago I would have avoided. But the truth for me is that for years and years I only judged myself by my skin, my gender, and my brain. I felt ugly, I learned growing up that men were bad, so I was bad, and my brain surely didn't work right at all. It's no wonder I wanted to die. When I was given the opportunity to challenge my thinking and my beliefs, I began to see a Ken that I had never known. I began to see a multi-talented, kind, caring individual who really does have a pretty big heart, once all the calcium was chipped away. And I began to know that I am more than my looks, I'm more than my gender, and I'm more than my brain, and I began to become ok with all of me. I don't know if I started with me, or with other people, but I also began the scary and challenging work of getting to know others beyond their labels. And I stopped being so afraid of people. I began to see that, as we say in NAMI, we have more similarities than differences.

Here's the spiritual part of all of this - spirituality is about developing the ability to see and believe beyond appearances. It's about looking for the universal Truth that we are all children of a loving and benevolent Universe, and discovering that Truth in ourselves and others, and then living that Truth. We are all connected; that is why what I give out returns to me. So I seek to know you, the real you, underneath your human shell, because in getting to know you, I also get to know me, and I get to know God.

Namasté

Ken

How Long or How Many?

Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character. 

I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.

Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.

Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."

• How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
• How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
• How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
• How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
• How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
• How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
• How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
• How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
• How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
• How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
• How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
• How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
• How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
• How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
• How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
• How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
• How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
• How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
• How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?

And the list can actually go on and on and on. 

How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively. 

I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?

Namasté, 

Ken

This Is Not A Post About Voting

It is a post about what mental illness feels like sometimes. And, in this case, just mental weirdness, because the thoughts and anxiety did not adversely effect my life, they just made me uncomfortable. But, discomfort is often the precursor of growth, I've found, so maybe I grew a little tonight.

I voted tonight. We had a primary election for state supreme court and municipal judgeship. Not a big deal, perhaps, but it was an ordeal for me! 

I don't know that I've ever voted twice in the same location. I've moved around quite a bit, I suppose. So, I'm in my new location, and I have to find the polling place. I did my research last night, and found it - about 300 feet from where I live. But, I'm anxious. I know I'll have to re-register, or change my address, and something about that - something about being examined - puts me on edge. 

So, I go to vote, and find out it's not my polling place. It 'should' be my polling place, I'm thinking, because it's only 300 feet from where I live! Already I'm anxious, and now I'm getting frustrated. 2 of the ladies there kept asking me my name and address, even after I'd already told them that they wouldn't find it in their books because I was nowhere near my last polling place and apparently nowhere near my current one. A third lady is very helpful, looking up my current address in the master book to help me find the correct polling place. Inside I'm twisting, but on the outside I'm very calm and appreciative. I thank the kind lady and let her know I appreciate her help. (The more frustrated I am, the better I thank people - doing the opposite of what I feel has become a pretty good habit).

I go the whole 300 feet home, and look on my computer to verify the information the nice lady at the polling place gave me. The first website I go to isn't working right, and the other site is lunky and doesn't seem to be user friendly (not this user, anyway, in that moment). I feel like giving up. Again, take a deep breath, and do the opposite. I want to text my landlady because she's a poll worker, and, seeing as she lives below me, she probably knows where I should go. But I don't. I drive to the location (maybe a whole mile away, as the crow flies) to vote.

I did have to re-register, and fill out the government form, and make sure my i's were dotted and t's crossed. Very fortunately, I was at ease again, because my landlady helped me fill out the form. Then things got a bit tense again, as I presented my ID to another lady, and signed the register and got my ballot. I finally voted, and had to ask which way the ballot goes into the machine. Fortunately, it goes in any which way. They know with whom they're dealing. So, that dreadful task is done, but I'm drained because of all of the energy spent on being anxious. But I got through it, and knew that I felt better than if I'd given up and not voted.

I am believing more and more today that every feeling of discomfort - emotional, mental, or physical, has something to tell me. Now, this isn't about getting through a mental health crisis. Nobody needed to be called; I wasn't a risk to myself or others (unless you think I voted for the wrong people). But I got the message that there is something within me that could use some examination (notice I didn't say there's something 'wrong' with me). Here are what I came up with as the possible causes for this little bit of anxiety:

• Fear of rejection, or worse, fear of getting laughed at or yelled at.
• The feeling that I still have that I'm always somehow 'wrong', and this was a brilliant opportunity to let someone point it out to me.
• Closely related, the feeling that I'm somehow 'illegitimate' because of the life I've lived. People like me who have been to prison and/or been homeless feel that way. (By the way, felons in Wisconsin can vote if they are discharged from parole, and I've been off of parole for about 15 years). Vagrancy isn't all that far behind me where I can feel comfortable with who I am doing what I'm doing 100% of the time.
• Hyper-concern for self, which is one of the symptoms of alcoholism, and I think goes hand-in-hand with most mental illness.

So what's a fellow to do? Please note here that I am speaking for myself; I no longer suffer a lot of symptoms, so when I do, it's noteworthy. Some people deal with this stuff day in and day out. But anxiety is anxiety, and if left untreated, leads to worse things, like depression and even return to substance use. 

I know what isn't best for me when I feel this way - it's not in my best interest to medicate the anxiety; it's not in my best interest to run from it; it's not in my best interest to wish I didn't have it and kick myself around for being 'less-than.'

What is best for me to do:

• As I mentioned above, treat it as an opportunity - an opportunity to learn from my mind and my body, and an opportunity to grow, and to gain experience (again, it's not about the voting!).
• Mediate (not medicate) the symptoms so I don't become overwhelmed. I do this by becoming aware, by breathing, and by asking myself "What would happen if...?" I imagine worst case scenarios. I imagine what might happen if I ran away, or if I used. I imagine what might happen if the nice ladies at the polling places laughed at me or yelled at me or treated me rudely. (Which reminds me of my experience in the call center, and I'll let you know that if you are a rude caller or otherwise strange, yes, we do talk about you with each other after the call is over).
• As I am facing or embracing whatever the situation is, try to imagine where the anxiety (the 4-syllable word for 'fear') is coming from.
• During this whole process, and this is very important, I refrain from beating myself up. It's not that I don't want to; that's been my habit for years and years and years. It's just that it does no good whatsoever. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Again, look at it as a learning experience, an opportunity to connect with my Higher Power, and an opportunity to get stronger and wiser. My thoughts aren't wrong; they're just thoughts. My feelings aren't wrong to have; they're just feelings. It's what I do with them, and today my actions were in-line. If I didn't write and publish this tonight, nobody in the world would know I went through this. It's not a big deal. 
• I congratulate myself for making it through (and in other situations, I've forgiven myself for avoiding), and I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to go through it. Then I thank It for the wisdom which will surely come from this experience.

Very few people who live with a mental health condition are mentally ill 100% of the time. We have moments of lucidity. We have moments where we can see clearly what to do. I believe when I have these moments, it is best for me to seize them and use them for all it's worth. Yes, it's very important to vote. For me, however, it's vitally more important that I get over those things within me that would keep me from being of maximum service to the Universe and to my fellow human beings. I get these opportunities all of the time. I've had these opportunities all of my life, but I used to put all of my energies into covering them up or evading them. Today, my good emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon me facing and embracing what is mine to face and embrace, and I am extremely grateful for the courage, strength, and willingness to do just that.

Namasté,

Ken

The Calling from Within

Have I written yet of my intense dissatisfaction with life, as I knew it? I think I have. Genetics aside, my experience is that alcoholism and depression stem from an inability to connect with life as it appears. It's an inability to derive pleasure or satisfaction from the activities people around me are enjoying. So the search begins, and the search has taken me to different states and countries, through prison, definitely to different substances, and behaviors. 

The journey has been worthwhile. To the average, standard person, however, my life has been a waste. I've got no credit, no property to speak of, no education, no family - I got nothin'. To me, however, I have an immense encyclopedia about what doesn't work, and I have the experience to back it up. There are those of us on Earth who hear, "Don't do that," or "Just say no," and they say, "No" and then don't do it. I'm not one of those people. I know from my own personal experience that jail and prison is dehumanizing and a terrible waste of life. I know from experience the pain, shame, remorse, and sometimes terror that comes from alcoholism. I know from experience the deep depression that comes from having a fully functional brain and body yet being unable to live life successfully (as we know success). I know from experience what it's like to have hope dashed time and time again by abysmal failure in every area of life. I know from experience the intense loneliness and emotional (and often physical) isolation that those of us who live with addiction and mental illness suffer. I know what it's like to be looked down upon by my own family. What makes all of this worthwhile is that today I'm on the other side of that. What makes it worthwhile is that I can share my experience, and now my strength and hope, with others who have found the same dissatisfaction with how life looks. What really makes it worthwhile is the journey to something deeper and more meaningful.

In the United States, we live in a medicated society. For everything that makes us feel bad, there is something available to numb the bad feeling. And I'm not only talking about alcohol and illegal drugs and pharmaceuticals. There are myriad ways to numb our feelings and quiet our cognitive dissonance - entertainment, sports, sex, patriotism, nationalism, the internet, social media, consumerism, religion, and many many more. Distractions. Distractions from the pain that tugs the soul of humanity. Distractions so we don't have to focus on the fact that we are killing ourselves. If we feel the pain of knowing that we're a nation that can disregard the very lives of our children, there's something to take to numb that pain, or something to do that can distract us. And, for a lot of people, that works.

[Let me mention here that a lot of the things that we use to distract ourselves aren't bad things in and of themselves. In fact, if you follow the creation stories in Genesis, God didn't make anything bad. What is harmful is when we use things in order to avoid looking at ourselves or the Truth]. 

And, for a growing number of people, it doesn't work anymore. There's not a substance or an activity that can blind us to the mass destruction we are wreaking on ourselves. I'm one of those people.

And, the personal deal for me is that I don't necessarily always want to be one of those people. It's a challenge and it's scary. I know what is 'expected' of me by society, and I can live up to those expectations when I'm sane and sober. But those expectations don't do it for me. If I do only what is expected of me by others, my depression gets so deep that I want to self-destruct. 

So my journey is two-fold: One, to become quiet enough to listen to the still small voice within, and two, to overcome the fear and discomfort of being unconventional - of being myself. Neither are easy. Another obstacle is that my first thought always seems to be to look outside of myself for the answers, even though a lifetime of doing that has gotten me to the point of some understanding that the only answers are within.

It's a challenge. I'm not one of those people who seek enlightenment from the mountaintop - I'm one of those souls who seeks to find it in the trenches. And in the trenches, I have to do icky things, like connect with people and live and speak in ways that might be unpopular. However, when I look at life as an adventure, knowing that somewhere along the line I did chose this path, and understand that I'm fully equipped to live it, it is fun and enriching (not depressing). So I lurch along in staggered forward movements, with gratitude for the path that is mine.

Namaste,


Ken

How to Make Stress Your Friend

This is a Ted Talk that I first saw this summer while taking Peer Specialist training. I think it has some very good information about changing how we look at stress. The speaker is Dr. Kelly McGonigal, and the video lasts about 15 minutes. Enjoy!

Namaste,

Ken

Power of Gratitude

During my darkest moments, I had no gratitude. Gratitude is an appreciation for what is, and I spent a lot of time not appreciating anything. Everything sucked. I sucked, the world sucked, life sucked, God sucked, and there was nothing that was going to make it any better. That's pretty grim!

I recently joined a group called The Gratitude Circle on Facebook. Now my page is flooded with posts by folks grateful for this, that, and the other thing. It is nice to have, because my mind still has a tendency to look for the negative and stop there. I get so many gratitude posts in my feed that there are now very few negative things coming up. But this is high-level gratitude, and a few years ago I would not have been able to appreciate The Gratitude Circle. Have you ever seen anyone just so happy that you couldn't relate at all? It's like that. When I'm in the pits of despair, perpetually happy people fill me with the desire to run away.

Gratitude is an important element of a healthy recovery. So how does one start being grateful? How does one start appreciating what one has when one (seemingly) has nothing? We start with what we don't have! A beginner's gratitude list might look like this:

• I'm grateful I didn't wake up in jail today.
• I'm grateful I didn't wake up sick today.
• I'm grateful that I don't have to buy drugs/alcohol today, because I've got no money to do so!
• I'm grateful I won't lose my job today.

After a while, we might become grateful for things we do have, such as:

• I'm grateful I have a roof over my head today.
• I'm grateful the heater in my car works.
• I'm grateful for the food I ate today.
• I'm grateful for the clothes I'm wearing.

If we continue with the practice of gratitude, it starts to look something like this:

• I'm grateful to be breathing today.
• I'm grateful for the people in my life.
• I'm grateful for sobriety/being clean.
• I'm grateful for the sunshine.
• I'm grateful for my health.

So we're starting to move from the head down into the heart a little bit, and our gratitude list could start looking like this:

• I'm grateful for the happiness I felt last night after my support group meeting.
• I'm grateful for peace of mind.
• I'm grateful that I like my job.
• I'm grateful that I can talk openly and honestly with people.
• I'm grateful for all of the experiences I'm having in recovery.
• I'm grateful that I can learn from my experiences.

And even deeper gratitude begins to look like this:

• I'm grateful that I'm an alcoholic/addict/person living with a mental health condition - it's actually given my life richness and meaning.
• I'm grateful that I'm beginning to see myself and others in a different light.
• I'm grateful that my values are changing.
• I'm grateful that I have purpose today.
• I'm grateful for hardships and challenges that make me grow.

And I don't know what the next level is (yet), but I'm fairly certain that there is one.

So what makes gratitude so powerful? On a very simplistic level, if one is thankful for what God has given, and says so, that makes God happy and He gives you more! (This never really worked well for me, as I never believed that my Higher Power operates in this manner). There is a universal principle at work here: Whatever we focus on grows and grows. 

I can remember some of the darker times in my life when I would stay extremely depressed for weeks and months on end. Now I know that part of it is because I thought by focusing on it I could figure out how to get rid of it. Growing up, I used to lay awake at night thinking about my problems (this is called 'obsessive rumination', if you need a name for it. It's also called insomnia.). I did not realize, and probably would not have believed, that by focusing on my problems and the things I didn't like, I was actually compounding them. 

The power in gratitude is that when we learn to focus on the things that make us feel good inside, we get more. When we focus on the things that touch our hearts, or even the things we know are ultimately good for us (like challenges and 'problems'), we get more. And we learn to not necessarily ignore the stuff we don't like, but to not put all of our energy into stuff we don't want.

When we start to become skillful at using the power of gratitude, we begin to get skillful at shaping our lives. Have you ever seen a happy cancer patient? I have! The person was able to see the good in their experience - the learning about their bodies that was taking place, the people they were meeting, the care their caregivers were giving, the love they were experiencing from their family and friends. One begins to realize that there are benefits to everything, and when we begin to look for the benefits, to look for the good, we will find it. 

Another thing starts to happen when we become skillfully grateful - our vibration starts to rise. When I was in my deepest depression, the world had no color. Everything I saw was shades of dull gray. So, physically, I can tell how my mind is doing today by how rich are the colors in my life. Even on a snowy day, the white seems brighter if I'm not depressed. 

The way I feel, my emotional state, is very important in gratitude. Looking at the examples above, one can see that the first couple of sets require no feeling - it's just commonsense stuff to be grateful for - "I'm grateful I'm not in pain." A big part of the power in gratitude comes from our emotional state, and that was bad news to me for a while, because I didn't know how to raise my emotional state, or my vibration. Time and patient practice along with a little hope have helped me, because it has taken a really (relatively) long time for my vibrational state to get to where it is today. I started with, "I know I should (there's that dirty s-word) feel good about being sober and alive," to "I know I probably could feel good about being sober and alive," to today, where it's "I'm starting to enjoy being alive."

In Matthew 13:12, Jesus said, "Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them." At first, this sounds bad. It doesn't sound loving at all. But keep in mind that Jesus was trying to tell people how the Universe works, and it works in this way - If I focus on and appreciate what I have, I will have more. If I focus my attention on what I lack, I will have more lack, or become even more lacking.

And that's the power of gratitude - bringing what we want to see and experience in life by appreciating what we have.

Namaste,

Ken

Who the Heck Am I?

I started a post the other day. My intention was to explore identity. I began to write down all the things I am - male, Caucasian, Wisconsinite, citizen of the United States, etc. - all of my descriptors. I didn't finish. But what was curious to me was that most of the descriptors weren't my choice (or, if they were, they were made before I was born and I don't remember). It's not my fault I live in Wisconsin. I've tried to leave a few times, but I keep coming back, and for 6 months out of the year I ask "Why?". I don't recall asking to be born a white male, and I did not give my consent to be baptized (although I did give my consent to be confirmed in the Lutheran church). I learned English at a young age because that's what was spoken around the house. My uncles, on the other hand, were bi-lingual - when playing cards, they often spoke in German (probably because they knew I wouldn't understand). So where I live, my first language, my citizenship, my first religion - they make up who I am, even though I didn't choose them. I found out pretty early on that I wasn't very happy with who I thought I was. It took a long long time to change that state of mind.

Humans love to identify and classify. It's how we make logical sense of the world in which we live. That's a rock; it has certain attributes because it's a rock. There's a tree; it has certain attributes because it's a tree.

But then we try to classify ourselves. Some people have no problem with that. Some folks proudly state exactly who they are, even though what they're claiming was something that was foisted upon them before they knew they had the power to choose. Our egos need an identity in order to thrive. Strip away all of the things we think we are, and the ego has nothing for which to live.

I had a Boston Terrier for about a year. Cute little guy, but he didn't know he was a little dog (he weighed 20 pounds, but was very strong). He liked to go to the dog park and run with the big dogs. Most of them tried to ignore him - he didn't care. I really loved that dog. Domesticated dogs don't have an identity other than what we give them. 

I don't think a wolf knows it's a wolf. I don't think an oak tree knows it's an oak tree rather than a pine tree. And an oak tree is probably not proud to be a mighty oak because, when it was just an acorn, it knew it had no other choice (if it knew anything at all).

In the helping professions, we avoid identifying patients with their conditions. There's good reason for this - the cancer in room 420 is more than a cancer - she's a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a journalist. When the person who lives with alcoholism isn't drinking, he's more than an alcoholic - he's your neighbor, someone's son, and he might even be your doctor. The person who lives with mental illness may be symptom free for months or years; why call them the manic-depressive or schizophrenic?

Yet we have this urge to identify and classify, and, the narrower our minds, the more rigidly we adhere to the names we give others. Remember being 8 or 9 years old, and going grocery shopping with mom, and seeing your homeroom teacher in the grocery store for the first time? Wasn't that a trip? There was a great amount of confusion - "what's she doing here? She's my teacher!" We did not understand, at first, that teachers have lives outside of the classroom - that they've got spouses, and homes, and maybe children, and they gotta eat too! It's usually experiences like these, and reading or watching movies, that broadens our minds to the existence of other peoples and different ways of doing things. I've mentioned this before - when I went to prison, I discovered that 'murderers' didn't murder 24/7, and 'thieves' didn't steal 24/7, and most of the 'drug dealers' were out of business - at least for the time being. All of the people I met in prison had aspects that weren't criminal offenses. All of them were human (and, I suspect, still are).

Alcholism, addiction, and major depression are all conditions that have a narrowing affect on the minds of those of us that live with these conditions. For me, my mind narrowed to the point that life sucked, living sucked, the whole world sucked, I'm useless, and my only options are to drink and/or die. So, a large amount of recovery for me has been allowing my mind to re-broaden - to begin to see that I do have options and choices, and that I'm not locked into a certain way of being. In fact, I consider myself very fortunate that I had to get to the point where I had to surrender just about everything I thought I knew about myself in order to live. The world I live in today is vastly different than the world I lived in 3 years ago (and very much different than the world in which I grew up).

There was a CEO who was in need of a CFO (chief financial officer) so he picked 3 CPAs to interview. He asked the first one, "What is 2+2?" The first CPA answered, "4." "Thank you," said the CEO, "you may go." The CEO did the same with the second CPA, with the same result. When the CEO asked the 3rd CPA "What is 2+2," the CPA replied, "What would you like it to be?" The CEO said, "You're hired!"

And that's what I feel like today - the 3rd CPA - because each day I have greater choice on who I want to be today. Who I am is how I show up. Or, how I show up is who I am. I am not bound by my past, nor am I bound by those things that I am which I did not consciously choose. I'm not even bound by the language I learned, porque aprendí a hablar otro idioma. 
I'm not bound by religion, and I'm not bound by my disorders. 

A side benefit of this broadening of mind I've experienced is I judge people less at face value than I ever have before. I can see more of the whole person than I've ever been able to before, and I now appreciate people for who they are. This is part of what makes life an adventure. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, if everybody were Whoopi Goldberg, the world would be a pretty boring place.

I don't know who I am today, other than a living, breathing embodiment of my Creator, living to become more of who I really Am. And more and more I recognize my relationship to my brothers and sisters. I'm a part of the Human Family, and we're all here trying our best to find our way. For me, it makes what used to be a really frightening world into a pretty nice place to live.

Namaste,

Ken

My Only Regret

I know I'm not supposed to have regrets. I really don't have any, but from time to time I wish I had been outwardly rebellious as a child. The inward and sideways rebellion I practiced nearly killed me, and it's taking a long time to recover from that. 

When I reached my teens, I wanted to run away. Too chickenshit, maybe, or not enough self-esteem, or maybe it was just my path to sit in my shit. I hated my home, I hated my parents, I hated (most of) my school. Instead of physically running away, I chose to escape chemically, which, of course, ignited the alcoholism within me. Even if I had stayed where I was, but stood up for myself - but that wasn't to be.

I share this because I know there are others out there who have lived or currently live in situations that feel intolerable. A lot of people I know are so pro-family that they would be loyal to their parents even if they were serial killers. Today I believe that sometimes a person just has to call a turd a turd, walk away, and not look back.

I don't know that life would have been better, or that I would have been better. It would have been different, that's for sure. I feel like I spent way more time than was necessary living my life for others - hoping to gain someone's approval. What nobody told me (or what I never heard) was that most of all I needed to gain my own approval. I need to live my own life - trying to live someone else's version of my life just does not work.

And so I do that today. And, because of my experience, I share whatever wisdom I've gained from living the way I did with others. Because I believe depression stems from oppression (either by self or by others), I encourage others to begin to live from who they really are. I let folks know that they're just fine the way they are right now. I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else. I am going to repeat that:

I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else.

And you know what? It's bullshit! We were not created to fulfill anybody else's purpose except our own. We were not created so that someone else could live vicariously through us. We were not created to atone for someone else's self-perceived shortcomings and mistakes. 

I encourage and support anybody discovering and living to their purpose at any age, but I especially let young people know that they are individuals with a unique set of gifts and talents and their own life to explore. If it happens to mesh with someone else's life, awesome. If not, that's fine, too.

I came into recovery, then, with a double-whammy - first, I felt a lot of shame and guilt because I didn't live up to someone else's expectations of me, and second, I feel the shame and regret from wasting my time on earth trying, instead of exploring who Ken is.

It's not easy to switch gears and begin living to one's own purpose. It's challenging, difficult, and sometimes sad. But it's also real, and it's enriching. If there were some sort of camera that could capture the way I felt about myself and my life 40 years ago and the way I feel today, the difference would be amazing. In my mind I see the dark, timid little creature I was 4 decades ago, and today I see the bright colorful being I'm becoming. It's amazing. And if I don't, even today, live up to the standards of a few people, well, too bad. Save your standards for yourself, not me. I've got my own, thanks.

There, I feel better.

Namaste,

Ken