Thursday, August 19, 2021

Living by Faith - Another Example

This post was begun July 13th, 2021. I will finish and publish it when the deal is done.

NB: The deal isn't done yet, but I wanted to write and publish what happened today, 8/19/21. Read on...

For my current job, I went through a background check. My job is in human services, and I work with a vulnerable population, so my employer and the Arizona Department of Public Safety want to ensure that nobody who has a history of preying on vulnerable people in their care or similar crimes and activities gets hired in positions of trust. Wisconsin has a similar background check, and I passed it - 3 times (twice for jobs and once for a volunteer position at a hospital). My HR person called me last week and said everything was fine except one item that was flagged, and that I might not pass Arizona's fingerprint check.

The Arizona Dept. of Public Safety has all people in positions like mine submit their fingerprints for a background check. This is the main reason I got that mess in Las Vegas cleaned up - so an open warrant wouldn't show up when Arizona did their fingerprint check.

My HR person told me the crime that was flagged was my very first felony from back in 1992 - a bad check charge. I had written a couple checks that I got from my credit card companies at the time to get damage to my car repaired - damage from a single car accident that happened while I was drinking (I lost control and went in a ditch on a snowy evening). The credit card companies did not honor the checks, so the business that did the repairs turned me in for writing bad checks. They totaled about $1500, if I remember correctly. If I had paid the $1500 within 90 days of  my first court appearance, it would not be a felony - it would turn into a misdemeanor. I emphasize that part because, looking back, that was a really dumb thing I did - not taking responsibility for my actions. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and I am looking at it from my perspective today - today it wouldn't be that big of a deal; however, if you've read other posts in this blog, you'll know that learning to be a responsible adult is something that I didn't take up until much later in life.

So my HR rep preemptively sent me an appeal form in case my fingerprint card was denied, and told me I'd have 60 days to appeal and get approved - if I couldn't, or didn't, then my employment would be terminated. The appeal is basically digging up everything I've ever done criminally, explaining what happened, what the punishment was, why I did it, what's different now, plus getting two letters of reference. I was going to take my HR rep's suggestion and get started on my appeal right away, and then I said (only to myself), "No. I'm going to do this a different way and wait until I need to file an appeal to do so." There is a process I can begin implementing right now that will insure a right outcome (whatever that is) while allowing me to keep my sanity, and that process is faith.

Very often, a person newly in recovery (like I am - I'm always newly in recovery!) will encounter a glitch or an obstacle, and it will throw them for a loop. It might only be a molehill, but to that person it can seem like a mountain. I've still got that person inside of me, but he's mostly dormant nowadays. It's the person that automatically says, "Screw this, I'm out!" and gives up. Usually when this unwanted person within begins to stir, I whack him over the head with the mallet of reason, and he goes back to sleep until next time.

This is going to take more than reason, but reason is where I'm starting. First off, my supervisor, who hired me, really wants me to work for my company. Second, my HR rep has given no indication that the company itself doesn't want me - they do want me, but they have to follow the rules. Third, I remind myself that having to go through the appeal process, at this point, is only a possibility (meaning it's not wise to act on something that hasn't happened yet). Those are my reasons for not blowing a gasket and giving up before the game has even begun. So the word here is wait and see.

The next part of the process involves a little reason and a little faith. It's about understanding, from years of experience, how my mind is used to working, and endeavoring to steer it in a different direction. I have the tools to do this! What it is is setting aside doubt and arguments and drama and looking at this whole thing objectively. The first question my mind came up with was, "Why did this relatively minor (to me) felony get flagged, and the other four did not?" Answer: "It doesn't matter." Knowing the answer won't change anything. "I want to see the background check that my HR rep is looking at." There's no need to do so, and, more importantly, trying to dig up all the facts surrounding this thing at this point only adds drama (fuel) to the fire. This is where I begin to use some faith. Faith says to me, "Trust in the Lord (my Creator) with all my heart; acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my path. (Prov. 3:5-6). That's what we're asked to do in any spiritual recovery program - turn it over, let it go, fuggeddabowdit. In other words, don't worry - God's got this. And this is an important part to protect my mental health and avoid relapse - to understand that my hashing it out, either in my head or with others, will not change a thing and will only damage my serenity. I have not spoken of this with anyone besides my HR rep because repeating the story and getting everyone's opinion only adds negative energy to the situation. It doesn't matter that all of my felonies occurred ages ago; it doesn't matter that another state approved me (3 times!) to work in human services; none of the "unfair!" arguments my little mind can generate have any effect on what may be, and can only serve to increase my doubt and fear, which is detrimental to forward progress in my recovery, which is the only thing that matters. Yep, that's right - it doesn't matter if I keep the job or not; it doesn't matter if Arizona kicks me out; the absolute only thing that matters today is that I take actions that will keep me in recovery.

Fortunately, I don't have to do this perfectly - I didn't do something that I could have done, which was talk to a spiritual advisor (practitioner or chaplain) at my church about it. Even though I'm a member, and even though I've been going there in person now for a month or two, I don't feel comfortable enough yet bringing it up with someone, even though they'll treat it in a way that is positive and good for my recovery. Yes, I still have trust issues, and yes, I know I'll get another opportunity to work on them. 

The method we use at our Spiritual Center is called affirmative prayer, and these are the elements: 

  • Recognition (God is all there is)
  • Unification (I am one with God)
  • Realization (speaking my desired good)
  • Thanksgiving (gratitude)
  • Release (let go and let God)

So my prayer is this: I acknowledge One Presence, One Power, in my life and in the Universe, and I call that Power God, Love, Source, Life. I know in Truth that I can never be separate from this power; that I live, breathe, move, and have my being in God, and I trust in God in me. I am always loved, supported, and led to my Highest Good by the Divine within, and anything else is an illusion. I know that today, right here and right now, I am in exactly the right spot to take the next step on the path to my Highest Good. I know that I am firm in my employment as a Peer Support Specialist, and I know that the Arizona Department of Public Safety will approve the work that I am doing. I am grateful that I am employed in a way to assist others in stepping firmly on the path of recovery, and I am grateful that the State of Arizona allows me to continue practicing my profession unimpeded. I speak my word into the Universe knowing that as it is said, it is already done, and I give thanks. And so it is.

Faith is not (at least for me) a one-shot deal like a vaccine - "Here, take a shot of faith, and fear and doubt will never touch you again." This has not been my experience. But what I do know is if I come from a hopeless state of mind and body, and begin to cultivate, on a daily basis, the beliefs that my life is worth living and that the Universe loves and supports me, that my faith will grow. And it has, and it does. Doubt comes up, and I can nip it in the bud knowing that whatever I'm doubting is already taken care of. 

I think I'll leave it at that for now, and come back when the situation is resolved. The reason I don't post this now is I don't want anyone else's possible negative energy delaying my good - having a debate or creating a story around this issue is unnecessary, and I work at releasing and not accumulating unnecessary stuff in my life.

August 19th, 2021

Well, I got news today via email at the end of the day that the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety denied my fingerprint card, meaning that if I do not successfully appeal the decision within 60 days I will be terminated and will not be able to practice my profession in Arizona. I read the email and I felt deflated. I cried. I felt very, very sad. Sad that I might not be able to do something that I am exceptional at, and something that I love doing. 

I am grateful I could feel what I was feeling. I felt sad, but I was also a little afraid. But I also felt determination. Most importantly, I do not feel like giving up! I will file my appeal, and even if it is not successful, I will not give up! Giving up is throwing away every gift and miracle I've received and experienced over the past year. Giving up is stopping the wonderful process of healing that is going on right now. Giving up is going back to the misery that I used to live, breathe, and have my being in. Today, I live, breathe, and have my being in God, Source, and I will not allow that to change. I have experienced peace and joy about life and a consciousness that I previously had only hoped existed. No matter what, I will not go back!

So what about faith? Did I not receive what I prayed for? God might be a lawyer, because I re-read my prayer. I didn't specify when or how the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) would approve me to work in human services. 

But here's the thing - for the last four and-a-half hours, before I re-read that prayer, I did not lose faith. I was saddened, yes, but I went about my business. I took a client to a recovery meeting, as I had scheduled. I assisted a little in running the meeting, and when I shared, I shared today's experience. I shared my sadness, but I also shared my gratitude that I could feel what I was feeling. I shared my gratitude that I have no desire to quit, to get off my path and go back to the misery and suffering in which I used to live. I shared my gratitude that I have support and people with whom I share every bit of my recovery. There is so much to be grateful for in this situation! I am grateful for an expanding consciousness that knows there is so much more out there (or in me, too) than just what I see in front of me. I see an arduous task that I really don't want to do (writing a history, explaining myself, and explaining my rehabilitation. I think my actions today and over the past year speak for themselves, but perhaps not). 

I have not been denied by God. The Universe does not say no, it says Yes. However, being relatively new at getting in and staying in alignment with my Higher Power, there may have been some conflicting thoughts and desires within me. In fact, I know there are. Sometimes I still doubt where I am at and what I can do. Sometimes I still doubt my effectiveness. Not for long, and not much, but it's there sometimes.

But I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong. If I can't see it, the best thing to do is move forward with the knowledge and skills that I have. Today I know the difference between skillful action and unskillful action. Skillful action is simply doing the next right thing, the next indicated step, without harming myself or others. That's it. So I do my homework, file the appeal, and leave it in the hands of Source (and the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety, bless their hearts!).

I almost forgot - I mentioned above about not doing the appeal homework until I had to. This, to me, is an element of faith. I've already said my prayer, and I don't need to think about this until I need to think about it. I've thought about it very little over the past month. I did not worry! (About that, anyway). When the thought of this situation crossed my mind, I let it keep on going. And it's a good thing I did. This past month, the majority of my attention has been on learning my new job. It has been an intense experience, and I've experienced a lot of anxiety over some elements of my new job. If I had added worry about the fingerprint card approval, I might have overwhelmed myself. I got close to being overwhelmed with what I was already doing a couple of times. So my focus was on doing my job, not keeping my job. That's a lot of what faith is - leaving a situation or issue in the hands of the Universe, and doing what is immediately in front of me.

But what about the outcome? What about it? It's not over yet. And even if my appeal is denied, I will still know the Universe has my back. Source supports me and guides me. I'm going to quote Proverbs 3:5-6 again, because I used it earlier this week in a worrisome situation, and it worked: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding (because it's limited). Acknowledge Him in all your ways (God is with me now and always, loving and supporting me) and He will guide your path. 

I think it was Jack Canfield, one of the creators of Chicken Soup for the Soul, who said one can drive across the country at night and get to their destination even though they can only see 200 feet in front of them. We really only see a very small part of what's really out there. I do not currently have access to all the knowledge and wisdom of the Universe. All I really know is that if I stay on this path, it's going to be alright. No, that's wrong - it is already alright. Just as it is. 

Another thing I thought about. I mentioned above how intense this past month has been for me. If I were not to keep this job, I still have the experience of working there - of being of service to my clients. It's like going on vacation somewhere - I don't stay on vacation forever, but just because I have to leave, it doesn't mean that I can't keep the experience. I may not be where I was anymore, but I still have that experience.

The wonderful thing about meditation, which I've been practicing consistently for the past 3 months, is that it gives me a great sense of calm about what is. What is doesn't bother me any more because it simply is what is. What is is going to change. Nothing is permanent. I can experience what is without wanting to run from it or change it because I know that somewhere down the road, what is is going to be what was. This is the nature of consciousness. I don't have to worry about what is or what was, because I really don't (and can't) control it. It is just there to experience it. If I try to hang onto what is as it becomes what was, I will turn into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26). When I deal with life exactly as it is in this moment, I experience peace, serenity, equanimity. If I try to deal with life as it 'used to be' or 'should be', I experience unrest and discontent. Suffering. If I'm so focused on how it used to be, I'm not in this very moment and not experiencing life as it truly is. 

If you do not understand the above paragraphs, if it sounds like gibberish to you, that is perfectly ok. You may yet experience what it's like to truly live in this moment. It really is heaven. And meditation allows me to experience that - each day I get little bits of it, and it strengthens my faith. No matter what life looks like now, it really is ok. This too, shall pass, and it doesn't matter what it is - it's going to pass. 

Well, I really covered a lot in this post. The point is, for me, anyway, that faith is really about getting to know that everything really is alright, no matter what. It's about knowing that on this path there probably will be uncertainty, doubt, fear, discomfort, maybe even some pain and suffering; but there is also joy and growth, healing, love, peace, serenity, and fulfillment. It seems that everything is equally available to me, and I can live in whatever state of consciousness that I choose. 

No matter where I've been or what I've done, I endeavor to show up today as a positive influence on the people with whom I come into contact. I endeavor to be of service in the best way I can, and I excel at what I do. I really think that speaks for itself. And it really doesn't matter if the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) approves or disapproves; I'll keep doing what I'm doing wherever I'm led to do it.

Never, never, never give up. ~ Winston Churchill

Namasté,

Ken