I'm posting at the public library today because it's open, I haven't been here yet, the Chromebook I was using at the house is in use by another, and I needed to get out of the house. So there's 4 ways I just dealt with anxiety - doing 2 things I love - writing and riding; getting some exercise (riding); and getting out of the house. I don't do this stuff naturally; my first response to fear and/or anxiety is to want to escape in some way, such as eating, sleeping, or taking medication. Those aren't the best options for me, because it's more like walking around the anxiety rather than dealing with it.
I wanted to write about fear again. It feels like my fear and anxiety levels lately have been the highest they've ever been, but I doubt that's true since in the past I did 5 years in jails and prisons and 4 years in high school. But what is surprising to me is how intense it seems sometimes. It's been getting better over the past few weeks, and I think part of it is that I've been having a weekly EMDR session with my therapist for the past 3 weeks (first time with EMDR) and I've noticed a solid increase in my overall mood and thinking, and a fair decrease in fear and anxiety.
I thought, too, that perhaps something I might write might be helpful to some of my readers, as we're going through this pandemic and the resulting restrictions on our movement. I will mention that I have not suffered as some have - I've missed in-person recovery meetings and I haven't been able to get a haircut (until this week 👨) or go to the church I want to start attending (although they are on Facebook); however, I also believe most fear and anxiety is unwarranted, and that's the kind of fear and anxiety I'll be talking about. In other words, even though our specific situations are different, the problem is the same. So here we go:
First, let us release any judgment or self-condemnation about the way we are feeling. Feelings are feelings, and as humans, we're going to have them. Putting all sorts of 'shoulds' and 'should nots' on ourselves is shaming, and drives the problem deeper. Two months ago I experienced a crisis requiring hospitalization. While at the hospital, a nurse mentioned to me, in a kind way, that a lot of people right now are going through stressful times. I realized she was right; I'm not alone. My sponsor is very helpful in normalizing how I feel - he understands that I'm in a stressful position (early recovery, basically unemployed, and one step from homelessness), and he lets me know that it's normal for me to feel things like anxiety, frustration, and sometimes hopelessness. I needed to hear that from him - beating myself up for not being able to go through a situation like a superhero (who are all fictional) is unwarranted, unnecessary, and damaging to my psyche and my recovery. It's okay to be human and to feel the weight of the world once in a while.
The first healthy thing I can do to prevent/alleviate anxiety is to work to keep me and my head in today. Living a day at a time is a practice, but it's a good one. When I was getting confirmed in the church I attended growing up, we had to choose a Bible verse for our confirmation ceremony. I was not as familiar with the Bible as I am now, but I ran across some verses that really resonated with me at the time, and still do now. They are the words attributed to Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34. Verse 34 says, " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV) Most of my worries have nothing to do with what is happening right now. Right now, in this moment, I am fine, and I have everything I need - food, clothing, safe shelter, decent transportation - plus the tools I need to be in this moment - a computer, a working brain and fingers, etc. A minister/counselor gave me a simple tool to remind myself to reel it back in, and that is to ask myself, "Where am I and what time is it," and the answer is "right here, right now." Right here right now may not be where I want to stay, but I have to accept exactly where I am at before I can effectively move on. I can only prepare for tomorrow; I can't live there. Worrying about tomorrow, whatever it is, is negative use of my imagination. If I'm going to put my head in the future, why not imagine a good one? Better yet, what if I just have faith in right action, and not have any expectations regarding results? Living in the moment gives me resilience, which is so important for good mental and emotional health, as well as sobriety. The set of verses quoted above also say "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33, NIV) This tells me that if I put connecting with my Higher Power first, if I make it my priority today, then everything else I need I will have.
And speaking of faith, faith is the first thing to go when fear, doubt, and anxiety rise up. Fear is ego, and my ego is always worried about the future, and does not trust that a Higher Power has things well in hand. Better than half of my recovery is building (right now, re-building) faith, and practicing faith on the sunny days so that when the rains come, I'm not totally overwhelmed.
A good faith builder is daily gratitude, which also relieves anxiety. I belong to a Facebook gratitude group, and I usually post daily, listing the things for which I'm grateful. It can start with, "I am grateful I am alive." Gratitude compels me to look for the good in my life, and as it turns out, what I focus on increases; so when I focus on what I think is going right, I find more things for which to be grateful.
Next, I need to turn off the news. I don't usually turn it on, but I'm not in charge of the TV where I'm currently living. The TV is on every morning, and it's tuned to the news. I try not to let it get my attention. One morning, one of my housemates, who wasn't really watching the TV, but was hearing it, said, "I really hate these newscasters. They're always talking over each other." And I said, "Good! I don't like it either!" and I turned off the TV. Blessed silence! I'm programmed to think I need to watch the news in order to know what's going on. It's not true. When I'm living in the moment, I do not need to know what's going on somewhere else. I only need to know what's going on in front of me. Now, obviously, I'm not isolated from world events; but I have a tendency when I watch the news to let what's going on play over and over in my head. It's depressing, it's stressful, it erodes hope. Even while not actively pursuing current events, I still get flashes - the first thing on my phone is news (I can't control that on this particular plan), and sometimes I click on it. It's like driving by a car wreck - I have to look! 99% of what's on the news does not have anything to do with what challenges I'll face today. It's unnecessary, and the news sells one thing - fear. If the world ends tomorrow, or maybe tonight, I probably won't need a newscast to figure it out. So I leave the news behind (except for weather - I have my weather app, and I don't use the one that sensationalizes weather events - 'Dangerous Heat Wave in Southwest!' Well, no shit, Sherlock - this is Arizona, it gets a little toasty sometimes).
Another activity that really helps me avoid anxiety, fear, and depression, is aerobic exercise - walking, and riding my bike. I often walk at least three miles a day, briskly, and that is enough for my body to produce chemicals that make me feel good inside. And being physically healthy supports good mental health. And while I'm walking, I can practice being here now. I can concentrate on how my body feels, and/or I can open my eyes to the scenery around me. I did not miss Spring this year (and it was quick!). There have been times over the years that I missed spring totally, because I wasn't present. One day I'm trudging through slush, and the next day it's warm and all the leaves are out and we're fully into Summer, and I'm wondering what became of Spring! It's because I had my head tucked up my you-know-where. Anyway, exercise is one thing that can help me keep focused on the present, and it has so many other benefits as well.
One of my exercises is really good for dealing with fear - bicycling. When I first got my bike, I was afraid of the upward hill that goes out of the subdivision. There's no way out without a hill; however, I faced my fear and took on the hill. And I do it every morning. It's a little easier now, but it's still a big hill. And then, if I take a certain route home, there's a really big downhill piece. I go charging through there, and I've gotten a top speed of 34 mph (speed limit is 25. I've never been much for rules). I've gone faster, once, but 34 is still fast on a bicycle. You don't want to have to do any quick maneuvers at that speed. But bicycling has always been a way to deal with fear, because there's always something about which to be fearful! Am I going to get a flat? Am I going to get so far out, I can't get back? Am I going to get run over? Each time I get on my bike I face one or more of those questions, and each time I've ridden it's been okay.
I talk with healthy people who are living in the solution rather than the problem. That's one of the reasons it's good for me to get out of the house I'm living in - I'm not relating very well to people who mainly discuss past exploits. People who live in the solution are people who know what's going on and discuss positive possibilities. People who live in the problem gripe about how bad things are for themselves. The griping does nothing good - it only intensifies whatever problem is going on.
One thing I haven't done very much that helps is reaching out and seeing how I can be of service to others. I've been somewhat self-absorbed lately, which might be justified. I used to reach out to people at recovery meetings; we didn't have in-person meetings for a couple of months, but we did have Zoom meetings and such. I have phone numbers of other people in recovery, but I haven't reached out to anyone but my sponsor. It's difficult to pick up the phone just to say, "Hey, how ya doin," but I'm going to do it.
While reaching out, find out what others are doing to deal with the current stresses. Calling is good, and a lot of people have Facebook. People on Facebook deal with the world situation in a lot of ways. I'm looking at a lot of my conversations, and I'm not all that open with how well or not-well I'm coping. I'm very often 'fine'. We may not be able to see our friends and family face-to-face, but there are other ways to reach out and give and take support. We're never in anything alone!
Have you ever noticed that days that start well usually go well, whereas days that start shitty often stay shitty? My morning disposition has a lot to do with how I'm going to feel throughout the day. A good morning for me starts out with getting up on time, a shower, prayer, meditation, and breakfast (plus dressing and all that). A poor morning starts out with getting up late, maybe shower or maybe not, say a quick prayer, bolt out the house, and get my breakfast at CVS. I have to feel purpose, and if I'm awake and running just to get through the day - that's not really purpose for me. I need to know that something I'm going to do today is going to make a difference, and what generates that condition is my connection with Spirit, which I reaffirm through prayer and meditation. And, importantly, getting up well is often dependent on how I go to sleep. Have I let go of any troubles from the day? Have I allowed myself to wind down, or do I keep going until bedtime and just crash? How I end my night has a lot to do with how I start the next day.
When my mood or vibe is good, my mind feels strong and my thinking clear. I'm much more able to deal with fear and anxiety when I'm not depressed. Additionally, when I'm not depressed, my mind and my heart are more open, and I'm able to see a lot more opportunities and possibilities. I'm able to ask, "What can I do today to make this a better day for myself or someone else?", and when I go into the day with this attitude, opportunities present themselves. Fear and anxiety is about doomsday, basically. Living in faith and recovery is about asking, "What can I add to the stream of life today?" Something for me to remember is that I've never created a situation that God couldn't make better, and I can live through this day successfully with His help. Things may not always turn out the way I envision they should (oops, there's that s-word), and with faith and vision, they turn out better. I've survived so much in my life, I should (oops, there's that word again) never fear again; however, the truth is that I deal with it every day on some level, and it may be the thorn in my side that keeps me coming back to Spirit.
Thanks for reading!
Namasté,
Ken
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Student Driver
I was getting my Arizona ID, and I saw that they'll give a person a 'Student Driver' bumper sticker if one asks. I thought about getting one to put on my back.
My experience is that an essential component of recovery, both from mental health issues and addiction, is the acquisition of a beginner's mind. This is where humility comes in - the state of being that says, "Maybe I don't know everything there is to know about alcoholism, depression, recovery, spirituality, life. Maybe there's something more I can learn." Beginner's mind gives us the willingness to try new concepts and to take actions that we don't necessarily believe are going to be helpful. Beginner's mind says, "Lay aside what you think you know about yourself and about life long enough to try something different."
In this endeavor to acquire beginner's mind, alcohol is an ally. As the disease of alcoholism (addiction) progresses, alcohol does less of what I want it to do - render me comfortable in my own skin and allow me to like myself and life - and more of what I don't want it to do - cause unwanted behavior, aggravate and increase depression, and create serious health problems (and, formerly, legal problems). I can see this, but once started, I can't stop on my own, or once stopped, I can't stay stopped. It makes no sense, and I can't figure it out. So I stumble into the arms of people like me - people who once drank as I did, but are now enjoying sober lives - and ask for help, because what I'm doing no longer works. I begin to take the actions that are suggested to me, whether I want to or not (willingness), and I begin to see positive change - I'm able to stay stopped, and my life is beginning to be less unmanageable.
Well, that's the way it's supposed to work, and it has for millions of people. There are a number of reasons that I personally have not yet attained long-term sobriety, and I've addressed these reasons in earlier posts. My experience does not diminish the importance of beginner's mind.
I used beginner's mind at my recovery meeting tonight. It was our first time meeting in person in a couple of months. This particular meeting is what I call my home group, which basically means my main or primary group. Anyway, it's a men-only meeting. I'm fairly certain that in a previous post I mentioned that I find relationships with men challenging. My perception is that most men are dicks (not you who are reading this, of course), we don't have the same interests, and they have nothing to offer me in friendship or anything else. This is a prime example of how I use beginner's mind. I understand that my belief is irrational, untrue, and does not serve me well, so I set it aside for an hour, and listen to what these people have to share, knowing that their experience in sobriety will probably be helpful to me. I listen for what rings true to me, and let go of the rest, because there are a couple of guys at that meeting who do fulfill my belief about most men. It doesn't matter - I listen for what they have to say about working a program of recovery.
My recovery sponsor, of course, is male, and I find myself developing a friendship with him. My counselor is male as well. I have a lot to learn from both of these men, and I have other 'good' men in my life. It is possible that some day my perception of half of the population of the planet will change for the better. I know others in recovery who have changed their minds regarding groups of people - alcohol has the tendency to inflame any prejudices or hatred we might carry. We learn to let those go because hatred does not mix well with a spiritual program of recovery.
Other ways I used beginner's mind tonight - these people do not know my history - that I was once (briefly) a professional in this field, and I've been around recovery for a few decades, so I might even know more about alcoholism and recovery than the other men do - so they speak to me as they would to a newcomer that doesn't know much, if anything, about sobriety. So I set aside my certificates and recovery merit badges, and I listen. And I always hear something helpful.
I acquired another belief a long time ago - that I must know something, I must understand and be good at something before I try it or do it. Yes, that's irrational too, but I held that one for a long time. It made it difficult for me to try something new, and when I did try something new, if other people were involved, I often pretended I knew more than I did, or would say I understood what they were talking about when I didn't. It's very difficult to learn with this belief operative. Besides recovery, a couple areas in my life where this has really hurt me are in my writing and in music. I have talent in both - I recognize that - but I haven't developed either talent as much as I could have (yet). I've barely scratched the surface on my talents because I haven't gone to people who know what they're doing and asked for instruction or advice. I am afraid of hearing, "You suck," and I'm afraid of hearing ideas that might differ from mine. This is an area that could really use beginner's mind.
Spirituality, an important component of a good recovery, and I write about it because that's what I know works for me, is another area where beginner's mind is really helpful, if not essential. Remember earlier where I used the word humility? It really fits here. One definition of humility is seeing ourselves rightly in relation to our Higher Power, people, the world, and the Universe. The view I aspire to is that I'm not God, but I am His creation, and so is everybody else. This means that I'm not better nor worse than anybody else, and that I am connected with all Life. As I said, this is a belief I aspire to, and I'm more skillful in doing so some days, and not-so-skillful at it other days. The only humility alcoholics take into recovery is that they recognize that alcohol is probably more powerful than they are, and they don't understand why they're not successful in controlling their use or their behavior when they use. I apologize for using a blanket statement, but that's part of the disease - we don't know we have a disease. So I have to set aside alcohol as a higher power, because it no longer works, and learn to connect with another higher power, preferably the Highest Power - the Creator of the Universe. This can be challenging - some of us come into recovery with really screwed-up ideas about God; others, like me, aren't very sure that that a loving God would want to have anything to do with us - we're that bad. And so coming to believe that a benevolent loving Higher than ourselves Power can really help us recover is a process for many of us who have some really deep-seated beliefs about our worthiness to have a relationship with a loving God. The belief that we're vile pieces of shit does not go well with recovery, so beginner's mind tells us to listen to others in recovery who have felt the same way and now have a working relationship with their Creator, and to instill enough doubt into that belief that we may come to see ourselves as very worthy to be Children of a Loving God - that, because of the nature of our Creator, it could be no other way. Spirituality is a process and a practice that always requires a beginners mind; spiritual pride (of which I've been guilty), says that I know all I need to know about my Creator, and I have nothing to learn from anybody about it. This kind of thinking has led me a couple of times in life to becoming a rigid, egotistical, know-it-all prick, and it eventually leads to relapse because I'm no longer letting my Creator in. I've said, "Thanks, God, appreciate the help, I'll take it from here!" Yeah.
Relationships is another area where beginner's mind can be very helpful. I had no idea when I got married (both times) what a good working relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want, but that didn't help very much. I never went to anybody, much less someone who was in a good relationship, to ask for guidance. What was I thinking? I ended up a fly on the windshield of life.
Having a beginner's mind does not mean throwing out all of my beliefs and learning in favor of someone else's. What it does is it allows me to be willing to consider and maybe try something different. One of the beliefs that started changing in me when I began applying beginner's mind is the belief that wrong=bad. I endeavor to not even use that language anymore. I like skillful and unskillful. I handle situations or do things skillfully or unskillfully. It takes the self-judgment out of things and really opens the door for learning. I'm a ton better at being the imperfect human being I that I am, but there's still work to do.
Thanks for reading!
Namasté,
Ken
My experience is that an essential component of recovery, both from mental health issues and addiction, is the acquisition of a beginner's mind. This is where humility comes in - the state of being that says, "Maybe I don't know everything there is to know about alcoholism, depression, recovery, spirituality, life. Maybe there's something more I can learn." Beginner's mind gives us the willingness to try new concepts and to take actions that we don't necessarily believe are going to be helpful. Beginner's mind says, "Lay aside what you think you know about yourself and about life long enough to try something different."
In this endeavor to acquire beginner's mind, alcohol is an ally. As the disease of alcoholism (addiction) progresses, alcohol does less of what I want it to do - render me comfortable in my own skin and allow me to like myself and life - and more of what I don't want it to do - cause unwanted behavior, aggravate and increase depression, and create serious health problems (and, formerly, legal problems). I can see this, but once started, I can't stop on my own, or once stopped, I can't stay stopped. It makes no sense, and I can't figure it out. So I stumble into the arms of people like me - people who once drank as I did, but are now enjoying sober lives - and ask for help, because what I'm doing no longer works. I begin to take the actions that are suggested to me, whether I want to or not (willingness), and I begin to see positive change - I'm able to stay stopped, and my life is beginning to be less unmanageable.
Well, that's the way it's supposed to work, and it has for millions of people. There are a number of reasons that I personally have not yet attained long-term sobriety, and I've addressed these reasons in earlier posts. My experience does not diminish the importance of beginner's mind.
I used beginner's mind at my recovery meeting tonight. It was our first time meeting in person in a couple of months. This particular meeting is what I call my home group, which basically means my main or primary group. Anyway, it's a men-only meeting. I'm fairly certain that in a previous post I mentioned that I find relationships with men challenging. My perception is that most men are dicks (not you who are reading this, of course), we don't have the same interests, and they have nothing to offer me in friendship or anything else. This is a prime example of how I use beginner's mind. I understand that my belief is irrational, untrue, and does not serve me well, so I set it aside for an hour, and listen to what these people have to share, knowing that their experience in sobriety will probably be helpful to me. I listen for what rings true to me, and let go of the rest, because there are a couple of guys at that meeting who do fulfill my belief about most men. It doesn't matter - I listen for what they have to say about working a program of recovery.
My recovery sponsor, of course, is male, and I find myself developing a friendship with him. My counselor is male as well. I have a lot to learn from both of these men, and I have other 'good' men in my life. It is possible that some day my perception of half of the population of the planet will change for the better. I know others in recovery who have changed their minds regarding groups of people - alcohol has the tendency to inflame any prejudices or hatred we might carry. We learn to let those go because hatred does not mix well with a spiritual program of recovery.
Other ways I used beginner's mind tonight - these people do not know my history - that I was once (briefly) a professional in this field, and I've been around recovery for a few decades, so I might even know more about alcoholism and recovery than the other men do - so they speak to me as they would to a newcomer that doesn't know much, if anything, about sobriety. So I set aside my certificates and recovery merit badges, and I listen. And I always hear something helpful.
I acquired another belief a long time ago - that I must know something, I must understand and be good at something before I try it or do it. Yes, that's irrational too, but I held that one for a long time. It made it difficult for me to try something new, and when I did try something new, if other people were involved, I often pretended I knew more than I did, or would say I understood what they were talking about when I didn't. It's very difficult to learn with this belief operative. Besides recovery, a couple areas in my life where this has really hurt me are in my writing and in music. I have talent in both - I recognize that - but I haven't developed either talent as much as I could have (yet). I've barely scratched the surface on my talents because I haven't gone to people who know what they're doing and asked for instruction or advice. I am afraid of hearing, "You suck," and I'm afraid of hearing ideas that might differ from mine. This is an area that could really use beginner's mind.
Spirituality, an important component of a good recovery, and I write about it because that's what I know works for me, is another area where beginner's mind is really helpful, if not essential. Remember earlier where I used the word humility? It really fits here. One definition of humility is seeing ourselves rightly in relation to our Higher Power, people, the world, and the Universe. The view I aspire to is that I'm not God, but I am His creation, and so is everybody else. This means that I'm not better nor worse than anybody else, and that I am connected with all Life. As I said, this is a belief I aspire to, and I'm more skillful in doing so some days, and not-so-skillful at it other days. The only humility alcoholics take into recovery is that they recognize that alcohol is probably more powerful than they are, and they don't understand why they're not successful in controlling their use or their behavior when they use. I apologize for using a blanket statement, but that's part of the disease - we don't know we have a disease. So I have to set aside alcohol as a higher power, because it no longer works, and learn to connect with another higher power, preferably the Highest Power - the Creator of the Universe. This can be challenging - some of us come into recovery with really screwed-up ideas about God; others, like me, aren't very sure that that a loving God would want to have anything to do with us - we're that bad. And so coming to believe that a benevolent loving Higher than ourselves Power can really help us recover is a process for many of us who have some really deep-seated beliefs about our worthiness to have a relationship with a loving God. The belief that we're vile pieces of shit does not go well with recovery, so beginner's mind tells us to listen to others in recovery who have felt the same way and now have a working relationship with their Creator, and to instill enough doubt into that belief that we may come to see ourselves as very worthy to be Children of a Loving God - that, because of the nature of our Creator, it could be no other way. Spirituality is a process and a practice that always requires a beginners mind; spiritual pride (of which I've been guilty), says that I know all I need to know about my Creator, and I have nothing to learn from anybody about it. This kind of thinking has led me a couple of times in life to becoming a rigid, egotistical, know-it-all prick, and it eventually leads to relapse because I'm no longer letting my Creator in. I've said, "Thanks, God, appreciate the help, I'll take it from here!" Yeah.
Relationships is another area where beginner's mind can be very helpful. I had no idea when I got married (both times) what a good working relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want, but that didn't help very much. I never went to anybody, much less someone who was in a good relationship, to ask for guidance. What was I thinking? I ended up a fly on the windshield of life.
Having a beginner's mind does not mean throwing out all of my beliefs and learning in favor of someone else's. What it does is it allows me to be willing to consider and maybe try something different. One of the beliefs that started changing in me when I began applying beginner's mind is the belief that wrong=bad. I endeavor to not even use that language anymore. I like skillful and unskillful. I handle situations or do things skillfully or unskillfully. It takes the self-judgment out of things and really opens the door for learning. I'm a ton better at being the imperfect human being I that I am, but there's still work to do.
Thanks for reading!
Namasté,
Ken
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Learning How to Question My Thinking
I like to share about the (mostly) positive experiences that I encounter on my journey. The reason I haven't shared much lately is not that I haven't had positive experiences lately - it's that much of what I've been experiencing has been difficult to put into words. Something happened today, however, that was a real 'aha' moment for me, and I can very clearly see the hand of Spirit working in my life, something for which I have been praying lately. So here we go:
I have been living in sober living in Prescott Valley since February 8, 2020. Part of living here is paying the rent, which requires, in most cases, getting a job and earning money. It sounds fairly simple when I write it down in black and white! However, I found a bunch of obstacles to me gaining employment - lack of my own phone, lack of reliable transportation, lack of decent clothing, etc. But the real obstacle was my thinking, which was heavily influenced by a still-depressed mood. Put very simply, I wasn't feeling working, ya know? I really had trouble expressing what I felt to others, and I was often dishonest when asked how my job search was going. I had a lot of irrational reasons (fears) why I didn't want to venture into the job market. Once my rent bill would have hit $1000, I'd be asked to leave and be on the streets. A few events stayed my sentence of homelessness - I was offered a position by the owners of this house to wave a sign in front of their other business in exchange for rent credit; I filed my tax returns and received a good refund; our pandemic crisis occurred and I received a stimulus check, with which I bought a bicycle.
Somewhere along the line my mood and disposition improved and my fears lessened enough for me to stick a toe into the cold, scary waters of the job market. I had received notice that one of those dollar-discount stores in the area was hiring. I had applied to one of them a couple of months ago, but I don't think I passed their stupid pre-employment screenings about whether or not I'd snitch on errant co-workers. So I applied at another store online, and I thought I was applying at the one that is next door to the supermarket I frequent, because these stores all have 'dollar' in their name.
Today I got a callback from one of the stores, and I set up an interview for tomorrow. Yay! I got my foot in the door! I called my sponsor and let him know, and I told him the name of the store. He said, "Oh yeah, that's over by Home Depot," I said, "No, I think it's by Safeway." And we left it at that. But, I got to wondering, was I wrong? I looked it up, and, sure enough, I was wrong - I applied to the one next to Home Depot, not the one next to Safeway. I of course let my sponsor know he was correct.
So how does this turn into a spiritual moment? Well, I've heard a couple of things regarding that - one is that anytime we go against our egoic (fear-based) thinking, that's spiritual. The other is that any time an alcoholic questions his own thinking, that's a spiritual experience. I thought about where I'd be tomorrow if I didn't verify my destination - at the wrong store looking confused. Worse, there's a good possibility that I would have used that mistake against myself, and lost any confidence I might have gained lately. Such is the nature of early recovery that we don't get over our own mistakes in sobriety right now as well as we will in the future.
So this is another save - an instance where I did the right thing (checked out my own thinking) and saved myself some trouble. But I can't take full credit! For the past few weeks I have been earnestly working the spiritual part of my recovery program that includes prayer and meditation. Skillful prayer and meditation opens the consciousness - it's that simple. There's a lot of progress when someone in recovery begins living in the solution rather than the problem, and I had been living in the problem - relying on my own thinking the majority of the time. That type of living makes life more difficult than it already is. When I begin practicing openness or openmindedness, and when I start practicing trust and willingness, all sorts of doors start opening up, and I'm grateful for that Truth.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, NKJV)
Namasté,
Ken
I have been living in sober living in Prescott Valley since February 8, 2020. Part of living here is paying the rent, which requires, in most cases, getting a job and earning money. It sounds fairly simple when I write it down in black and white! However, I found a bunch of obstacles to me gaining employment - lack of my own phone, lack of reliable transportation, lack of decent clothing, etc. But the real obstacle was my thinking, which was heavily influenced by a still-depressed mood. Put very simply, I wasn't feeling working, ya know? I really had trouble expressing what I felt to others, and I was often dishonest when asked how my job search was going. I had a lot of irrational reasons (fears) why I didn't want to venture into the job market. Once my rent bill would have hit $1000, I'd be asked to leave and be on the streets. A few events stayed my sentence of homelessness - I was offered a position by the owners of this house to wave a sign in front of their other business in exchange for rent credit; I filed my tax returns and received a good refund; our pandemic crisis occurred and I received a stimulus check, with which I bought a bicycle.
Somewhere along the line my mood and disposition improved and my fears lessened enough for me to stick a toe into the cold, scary waters of the job market. I had received notice that one of those dollar-discount stores in the area was hiring. I had applied to one of them a couple of months ago, but I don't think I passed their stupid pre-employment screenings about whether or not I'd snitch on errant co-workers. So I applied at another store online, and I thought I was applying at the one that is next door to the supermarket I frequent, because these stores all have 'dollar' in their name.
Today I got a callback from one of the stores, and I set up an interview for tomorrow. Yay! I got my foot in the door! I called my sponsor and let him know, and I told him the name of the store. He said, "Oh yeah, that's over by Home Depot," I said, "No, I think it's by Safeway." And we left it at that. But, I got to wondering, was I wrong? I looked it up, and, sure enough, I was wrong - I applied to the one next to Home Depot, not the one next to Safeway. I of course let my sponsor know he was correct.
So how does this turn into a spiritual moment? Well, I've heard a couple of things regarding that - one is that anytime we go against our egoic (fear-based) thinking, that's spiritual. The other is that any time an alcoholic questions his own thinking, that's a spiritual experience. I thought about where I'd be tomorrow if I didn't verify my destination - at the wrong store looking confused. Worse, there's a good possibility that I would have used that mistake against myself, and lost any confidence I might have gained lately. Such is the nature of early recovery that we don't get over our own mistakes in sobriety right now as well as we will in the future.
So this is another save - an instance where I did the right thing (checked out my own thinking) and saved myself some trouble. But I can't take full credit! For the past few weeks I have been earnestly working the spiritual part of my recovery program that includes prayer and meditation. Skillful prayer and meditation opens the consciousness - it's that simple. There's a lot of progress when someone in recovery begins living in the solution rather than the problem, and I had been living in the problem - relying on my own thinking the majority of the time. That type of living makes life more difficult than it already is. When I begin practicing openness or openmindedness, and when I start practicing trust and willingness, all sorts of doors start opening up, and I'm grateful for that Truth.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, NKJV)
Namasté,
Ken
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