Wednesday, December 4, 2019

When the Going Gets Tough...

the tough get going! (attributed to Theodore Roosevelt)
One often wonders if all the coping mechanisms, recovery plans, crisis plans, and support people actually work when the shit hits the fan - well, they do. 
They don't work as seamlessly, quickly, and completely as alcohol and other drugs seemed to work in getting through (or blotting out) a crisis, but they do work. They make the pain, confusion, and fear bearable so I can move forward and through the crisis without causing harm to myself or others. I will survive, and I will thrive. 
Short post.
Namaste,
Ken

Sunday, December 1, 2019

What's Cooking Today?

My recovery is made up of many small actions and attitudes. It's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, or taking my prescribed medication, though both of those are important. Abstaining from alcohol and taking my medication satisfies my doctor and my therapist, and, if I had one, my probation officer - but doing that and nothing else leaves me irritable, restless, and discontent. 

What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.

So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.

I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.

I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.

Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:

  • Abstaining from alcohol and other mood altering substances;
  • Taking my medication as prescribed and consulting my psychiatrist (and others) before making any changes;
  • Preparing and eating healthy, nutritious food that is satisfying and adds to my mental health and overall well-being;
  • Contact with others in recovery, or others who want recovery, both in support group meetings and outside of meetings;
  • Engaging in physical activity that I find challenging that strengthens my body and mind and makes me feel good (exercise). For me it is yoga, some weightlifting, and aerobic exercise like walking and bicycling. I don't run because the last time I did, the police caught me anyway;
  • Engaging in creative hobbies or even vocations that utilize my talents and skills - like cooking, writing, and music;
  • Nurturing my spiritual life through prayer, meditation, reading, counting my blessings, and helping others - and there are many ways to help others;
  • Exercising my brain through reading and learning - some subjects of my interest are the latest neuroscience developments in mental health as well as what works best for nourishing my body and my brain;
  • Having an job that engages as many of my skills and gifts as possible.
I think that's a good recipe for my recovery. It's good to make this list, because I see all of the healthy choices I have available to me, and I see some of the areas that could use a little more paying attention to. I still have the teenager's mind of, "There's nothin' to do," yet when I make this list I see I have a whole bunch to do.

Recovery is about alleviating the outer symptoms of my conditions, but it's also about developing and strengthening those characteristics within me that make this existence not only bearable, but enjoyable and fruitful.

Namasté,

Ken

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

No Whining! (Being Grateful)

I generally ride the bus to and from work. My schedule is such that I get off work at 10:00pm, and I have about 12 minutes to catch the last bus going my way. Up until last night, I've made the bus every day.

Last night at work I got a call at my workstation at 9:58pm. I saw that the call was going to be longer than just a couple of minutes, so I was hoping that I could still make the bus anyway. I patiently and kindly took the customer's order, and realized about halfway through that I wasn't going to be riding the bus home. When I was through with the call, I logged off, punched out, and said goodnight to my coworker.

It's a 3 mile walk home from work, and my first thought was, "Well, this sucks." It was chilly, windy and raining lightly - not my favorite weather. As I began my walk, I started looking for someone to blame. There weren't a lot of targets - I couldn't really be mad at the caller. I could have passed the call on to somebody else, but I didn't feel that was right, for either the customer or for any of my coworkers. I decided that walking home in the rain was my doing, because last year my driver's license was revoked because I earned a DUI and I sold my car. 

Fortunately, I avoided going into self-pity/I'm going to give up mode. I began to count my blessings in this scenario:

  • I had proper clothing for the weather - I was warm and cozy, despite the cold wind and rain.
  • It's not a hardship for me to walk 3 miles, so
  • I'm grateful for my legs.
  • I'm grateful for my heart.
  • I'm grateful for my lungs.
  • I'm grateful for my overall good health.
  • I'm grateful the wind is at my back (that was a nice bonus, as usually the wind would have been in my face, and last night it wasn't).
  • I'm grateful I live in an area where it's relatively safe for me to walk at night.
  • I had forgotten my earphones (that sucked, too), so I'm grateful I was able to direct my thinking into gratitude and do constructive thinking on the way home.
  • I'm grateful I was walking in the city rather than the country - I felt more secure.
And on it went. I made it home safely and in a good mood.

Gratitude doesn't prevent sucky situations, but what it did for me last night was allow me to go through the situation without going into blaming, self-recrimination, or worse, self-pity, which leads to depression and resentment. Gratitude allows me to see that I am richly blessed when I look at my situation from a different angle.

Moreover, a consistent practice of gratitude allows me to maintain a higher vibration throughout my days. I am better able to see the good around me and in me. 

What I focus on grows. When I focus on the negative, I have more negative on which to focus. I'm living in it. When I put gratitude lenses in my glasses, my blessings grow, and the negative diminishes.

Namasté,

Ken

Monday, November 25, 2019

Thriving Thru the Holidays

Holidays have almost always been challenging for me. The only times when they weren't were when I was in jail over the holidays, and I could ignore them. That's sad, I know, but it uncovers the mindset I have to overcome in order to not only survive the holidays, but to enjoy them.

So in order to both survive and thrive through the holidays, I need to consider a couple aspects - what do I need to do to protect my sobriety and my mental health, and then what I can do to add to the holidays - in other words, what can I give into the holidays to make them more enjoyable, as opposed to what can I get from the holidays.

In order to protect my sobriety and mental health (they go hand in hand) over the holidays, I can fully utilize all of the tools I have been given. In other words, I maximize my use of the tools I have, which are:

  • My support system - go to more recovery meetings than I usually go to, and talk to/be with the people in my support system. It's very important that as I do this, I recognize that others are often stressed out during this time of year, and in seeking support, I can also be of support. Again, it's about what I have to offer to others as much as, if not more, what I can get from others.
  • Giving myself permission - I can give myself permission to duck out of an event temporarily to call someone in my support system. I can give myself permission to leave an event early if I feel triggered. I can give myself permission to say 'no thank you' to an event if I don't feel in the right place to attend. I definitely give myself permission to abstain from all mood altering drugs.
  • Breathe - I think this is one of the most underrated forms of stress relief, but it can help me outlast a stressful situation. When I am feeling stressed, I can begin my breathing exercises. One of the best on-the-go breathing exercises is to fully breathe in to a count of 4, and exhale to a count of 8, and repeat as much as needed. This kind of breathing sends a signal to our vagus nerve and helps us relax and feel good. Concentrated breathing is also grounding, and helps me feel more whole in situations where I feel scattered.
  • Rest - I know to not over-tax myself during the holidays. Parties and gatherings are fun, but I still need my rest! I think this is especially true for those living with bipolar disorder, as the go-go-go of the season can sometimes trigger hypo-manic or even manic episodes. I must consider that I don't feel the right time to get some rest, so I must rest even if it feels like I don't need any.
  • Prayer, meditation, and alone time - these set my attitude, and I can increase the amount of time I engage in these. Prayer and meditation are therapeutic and set my attitude. Alone time - solitude, not isolation - allow me time to breathe and to relax. Alone time is mindful, so it can be taken in small chunks just about anywhere. For instance, when I go to the bathroom, I can either do my business and leave, or, I can take a breath (if it's safe) and revel internally that I have a few moments of peace. These little nuggets of alone time are incredibly refreshing.
  • Nutrition - it's important to me, and also very challenging, to avoid over-indulging in all the tasty things I can eat over the holidays. Often I use food for comfort, and I can stay mindful that my body probably has all that it needs in the moment, and I can probably abstain from that next tasty treat. Like alcohol and drugs, there is value here in learning to say 'no' without explanation.
Now, what can I add to the holidays? This is personal for each of us, depending upon who we'll spend time with and what our personal customs and traditions are. Adding to the holidays can seem a bit the opposite of protecting my mental health and sobriety, but it doesn't have to be. 

The first thing to understand is that it isn't all about me. Some of us who haven't emotionally matured too much past our teens still think Christmas is all about us. Well, it really isn't, and the reason is that having it be all about me sets me up for being disappointed. When I was growing up, we opened gifts on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I always woke up hoping there would be more under the tree for me, and there never was. It wasn't that I didn't get enough for Christmas; it's just that I had a mindset that nothing was ever enough. So I can lower whatever expectations I have about the holidays - about what I'll receive, about who I'll see, about how others will behave, and set my sights on what I can add into any given situation. High expectations lead to disappointment, and that's the beginning of a slippery slope for me - it leads to self-pity, which leads to depression and/or resentment, which are poison to my recovery. So there's the paradox: in keeping my recovery (not me) and others first, I have an enjoyable time.

Second, and very much related to the above, is I don't need to foist my ideas about what the holidays should be like on anybody else. I can have my own customs and still go with the flow. For instance, I'm not religious, and I personally can do without religious celebrations; however, because my loved ones enjoy going to Christmas Mass, I'll be going with them. I have to ask myself, "Will it kill me to spend an hour in church?" And I always enjoy it. Last year I met the Pope, and if I can find the picture, I'll post it. 

Third, I need to constantly keep in mind that it's not about the presents, it's about my presence. I hate buying presents, because my belief right now is that I can never get something good enough. So, I need to turn my focus away from the presents and understand that my presence with my loved ones is more important. Really, it's very obvious that they love me for me, and not for what I can give materially.

Lastly, I need to work my program of recovery. If my program falls apart, I fall apart, and if that happens I can really detract from a happy celebration of the holidays rather than add to it. My number one goal is to be of service to those around me, and my program must be well in place for me to do that effectively. I must offer myself up for help. A good example is decorating the god@$#& beautiful Christmas trees (I've got more than one to help with). It's not my favorite thing, but that doesn't matter.

The holidays can be a challenging time for someone in recovery, but they don't have to drag me down or make me miserable. I start each day knowing that the most important thing I have to do today, no matter what else is going on, is to make myself as ready as I can to spend the day sober and mentally healthy. Others can scramble around thinking that the turkey is the most important today, or the tree is the most important today, but I know that today, like any other day, if I don't have my recovery, the tree and the turkey aren't going to make a difference.

My wish for you is to have a happy holiday season!

 Namasté,

Ken


Friday, November 22, 2019

Only Six Months

I recently celebrated 6 months of sobriety. It's not a big deal, because I've had 6 months lots of times; but it is a big deal, because any day sober for this  alcoholic is a miracle. 
I dislike at recovery meetings when I hear "I've only got x days" because recovery is about so much more than the time without our chemicals. But here are some things i do have as a result of 6 months clean:
I've got 6 months without being hospitalized.
I've got 6 months without passing out in public and losing my winter jacket and telephone.
I've got 6 months without being kicked out of where I'm living.
I've got 6 months without police contact.
I've got 6 months without worrying about how I'm going to pay for the next bottle.
I've got 6 months where my loved ones don't worry about me as much.
There is much, much more I've realized from abstaining from alcohol and other drugs for 6 months, and there's even more I'm realizing from working a program of recovery.
So if you're 'new' to recovery and reading this, my request is remove the word only when describing your clean time and begin to recognize all you have as a result.
Namaste,
Ken
(Sent from my phone so please forgive the mistakes!)

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Freely Giving and Receiving in Recovery

I have mentioned it before, and I'll mention it again and again and again - addiction and depression are self-centered dis-eases. I become concerned mainly with how I am feeling and what I can do to make myself feel better. If I'm thinking of you, it's probably about what I think you can do to help me feel better.

Ceasing using alcohol or other drugs does not relieve me of my self-centeredness. Taking medication for my mental health condition will not relieve me of my selfishness. And the kicker is that if I do not get rid of my obsessive concern for self, I will not stay long in recovery. If I remain in a self-centered state for very long, no matter how well I'm doing otherwise, I will enter into a state of self-pity, and possibly resentment, and that's just one step away from physically relapsing (returning to use of alcohol or drugs).

So if I want to stay in recovery, I must become willing to learn what my obsession with self looks like (how it shows up) as well as learning what steps I can take to reduce this symptom of my dis-ease. The bad news and the good news is that I can't do this alone. I can't unwrap myself from myself all by myself.

So what's a person to do? I can start in a few ways: I can pray to my Higher Power that I be relieved of this fatal obsession with self; I can seek out others who are on the same path (recovery meetings and support groups); or I can do both. I can just about guarantee that if I pray and remain open to the answer, I'll be led to people who can help me in my endeavor.

Speaking of which, now might be a good time to bring up an interesting paradox: in doing this, my main focus is still on me; it just changes from 'how am I feeling' to 'what am I doing?' There is one codicil - I must give up my expectations. An expectation is, 'If I do a, then b will happen (to me or for me).' Expectations are ego-driven, self-serving, and ultimately bad for my serenity and mental health, because there is no way that my expectations are going to be met all the time. The problem is that if I have an expectation, and, by some miracle of the Universe it gets met by my actions, then I expect (another expectation!) that the next time it will happen again. Often it doesn't work that way, and my little me, my ego, tends to become disappointed and pouts, which leads to self-pity and probably resentment and most likely depression and there I am in the depths of my dis-ease. That really is the way it works.

What I'm talking about here is learning to freely give of myself. If you're a fan of the Bible, you'll know that Jesus suggests we 'freely give and freely receive'. What does that mean? It means I learn to give of myself without reservation, building my faith that I live in a giving and supportive Universe - that whatever I give freely and without expectation will return to me, probably in excess of what I gave. We live in an abundant, giving Universe, but the ego, which is built out of fear, does not believe that. My ego believes that I must take or I'm not going to get. I can get as sneaky and manipulative as I want about the way in which I take, but ultimately, the longer I live with this mindset, the poorer I'll be. 

Our human society teaches us just the opposite. Capitalism teaches us that we aren't enough and we can never have enough - that we must always strive for more, more, more, and it puts us in competition with others, meaning that in order for me to win, somebody must lose. This is in direct conflict with giving and receiving freely. This doesn't mean that I can't live in this society, it just means I need to stay awake to what I'm doing and to what or who is informing my choices.

So doing this, becoming a giver without expectations, is a challenge for any human being, and an even greater challenge for a person living with a substance use or mental health disorder.

Ok, let's get back to the mechanics of how this actually works. I mentioned earlier that I require the support and cooperation of others in this endeavor. Where do I find these others? Support and mutual aid groups. Groups of people who are also interested in recovery. The really cool thing is that when groups of like minded people get together, great things can happen. So I look for support, but here's the twist - before I go into a recovery meeting or a support group, I pray that I may be a blessing and be blessed. Why? My experience has been that if I go into a situation expecting to receive a certain thing or see a certain person, there's at least a 50/50 chance that I'll be disappointed. However, when I release that expectation and go into a situation seeing what I can give, I always receive something in return - some understanding, a new friendship, a nugget of wisdom, some peace of mind, etc. I've placed myself physically in a good place and mentally and spiritually in a place of reception. 

The question naturally arises, "But what do I have to give?" I've found, by practicing this mental mindset, that I have a lot more to give than I believe I do. There is always going to be someone who could use something I have to give.

I can take this attitude anywhere I go - work, social situations, in the supermarket! When I'm waiting in a long line with my basket full of goodies and I finally arrive at the checkout, I can give the underpaid and underappreciated cashier a smile, a kind word, or at least not give him/her a hard time because I'm impatient. 

I have intentionally not given very specific instructions on how to reach this giving mindset - you must do this, this, this, and that in order to achieve this - for two reasons: first, it sets up and expectation, which we know are good to avoid, and second, the way each person gives and receives looks different.

Living with this spiritual/mental mindset, which concentrates on the process rather than the results (leaving the results up to the Universe) relieves me of having to figure out ways to make myself feel better because living this way gives me peace and confidence, and strengthens my faith. The challenge for me is to do it every day. I've been told that it is possible to make this a habit that I don't even have to think about, but I haven't experienced that yet. Besides, I get a little boost when I consciously try to behave like I'm a child of God.

Namasté,

Ken

Monday, October 28, 2019

We Are Not Alone

No, sorry, this isn't a post about aliens. Or, maybe it is! Most of us who have lived experience with addiction and/or a mental health condition(s) have felt alien. It's quite common for the person going through suffering to say, either aloud or to themselves, "Nobody understands!" Fortunately, this isn't the whole truth; however, the feeling can be so strong, even in recovery, that it seems to be a part of the dis-ease process. 

I was at an alcoholism recovery meeting recently, and I began to experience this feeling. Part of the feeling comes from my tendency to look at the differences between me and others rather than the similarities. Part of it can come as a symptom of my dis-ease. And part of it can come from the fact that I have what is known as a dual diagnosis, or co-occurring, disorders. There are some in addiction recovery that have only to deal with the dis-ease of addiction. For most of those, the recovery program in a mutual aid support group works, if the person works it. For some who do have co-occurring disorders, an addiction recovery program works as well. Then for some others, me included, we seem to need more than just an addiction recovery program. It is not the fault of the recovery program; it is simply that people experiencing co-occurring conditions sometimes need more, such as therapy and possibly medication.

When I began to feel this way at the meeting - alienated, unique, alone, disconnected - I probably didn't do the best thing, which might have been to stick around afterwards and talk with someone; however, I didn't buy into the way I felt. I began to look for the similarities between me and the speakers; I began to come up with alternatives to my thinking; I began to see the ways in which I am unique, noting that most of them, if not all, are good. They're who I am. And, as I was leaving the meeting, alone, I noted to myself that it's ok for me to be alone from time to time, so long as I'm in a place where I can stand myself.

As I mentioned above, it's important for me to identify how my depression shows up. I've lived with it for so long that it's been a real challenge to differentiate between what is me and what is my dis-ease. I've felt alone and different-from most of my life, and most of my life I thought it was because I was defective and less than everyone else. Today I understand this feeling of being alone in the universe as a symptom of my dis-ease. When the symptom is part of me, like an arm or a leg is a part of me, it's very hard to do anything about it; however, when I view the symptom as a symptom, I am able to do something about it. As a symptom, I can talk about it with others; I can spend time with others, either in person, or on the phone, or even on social media, if I'm hooked up with the right groups (it's helpful to be with like-minded people, such as others in recovery from mental unwellness or addiction); I can pray; I can think about alternatives to my thinking. So there's a lot that I can do about this particular symptom - I don't have to stay in my aloneness for long. Another thing I can do is play with other people's pets (with their permission and because I don't have pets of my own) - pets, especially dogs, love being with me and don't judge me. The drawback is I can't take dogs to work with me or to recovery meetings.

Spiritually, we are never alone. Our Creator is omnipresent, which means that I am always connected to It, as It is connected to me. And the kicker is that if I am made from my Creator, and my Creator is in me and all of Creation, then I am connected to all of Creation, including you! So the feeling of being apart from or alone is really an illusion, or even a delusion. It's a lie. Sometimes in meditation I can feel this connection; sometimes in consciousness I recognize it. I'm working toward knowing my Connection more.

And speaking of connection, I read in one recovery resource that, as an alcoholic, one of my primary problems has been the failure to connect on a real level with another human being. Recent studies have also pointed to the idea that the opposite of addiction is connection - connection with our family and friends, connection with all of humankind. So working toward knowing this connection in my heart, and not just in my head, moves me toward recovery and healing. In recovery meetings we have the opportunity to work on this connection, and as the health of our relationships grow, our spiritual and mental health grows (probably our physical health, too). We weren't put here to live this life alone and on our own.

So I am grateful I'm on this path, even though sometimes it feels like too much to deal with. One footstep at a time I move deeper in recovery and closer to truly knowing my connection with everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Grow the Heck Up!

I had a bad day yesterday. Well, I didn't have a bad day, I had actually a really good day with some less-than-desirable moments, and, this morning, I'm focusing on those moments instead of the plenty of good and desirable moments that I had. 


I'm not for living in the past, but since I'm there anyway, let's take a look at it:

What caused me to tell myself this morning to 'grow up' are a few instances where, during times where I felt stuck or didn't know what to do next, I resorted to escapism and, for me, addictive behavior. I over-played an internet game of which I'm fond, I watched more stupid videos and read irrelevant articles on my phone than was necessary, I went off my diet and ate a bunch of Halloween candy (sorry, kids!), and I stayed up very late for no good reason. Yes, this is immature behavior, but telling me (or anyone) to 'grow the €#&@ up' is pejorative, unnecessary, and unhelpful.

So, while I'm in yesterday, I'm going to do a few things.
First, I'm going to forgive myself for being a less-than-perfect human being. I am in a challenging place right now, which is uncomfortable, and, at times, I resorted to activities that I've used in the past to comfort myself that are really less-than-skillful, and I also engaged in helpful and productive behavior to improve my situation.

Also, I'm not a bad little boy and I didn't do bad things. Again, I engaged in behavior in a way that was, in the long run, less-than-helpful to me. I am an adult, and I did also do things that were very helpful to me.

Next, I'm going to think of some downtime things to do today that are helpful and/or. productive, such as meditating (I've got a virtual ton of meditation resources), take a walk, read something relevant, or play a game, but set limits.

Ok, so I've objectively analyzed the events of yesterday, forgiven myself and given myself a hug and a pat on the back, and I'm sharing my experience with other adults because I know I'm not the only person in the world who struggles with engaging in unhelpful behaviors sometimes. Or a lot. And then I'm going to jump into my morning routine.

The things I mentioned above transform the negative things I did yesterday into positives for today. It's a lot more productive and healing than telling myself that I need to grow up. We'll see how it goes today; right now I'm expecting to do good things today with a minor stumble here and there.

Namaste

Ken
(written on and sent from my phone)

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Assumptions!

I used to be a big assumer and jumper to conclusions. There is no complex mystery behind why I liked to assume - I found making assumptions about things going on around me a lot easier than actually investigating the facts, wherein I'd have to actually talk with someone and ask what's going on.

I still assume and jump to conclusions; the difference today is that I'm aware I could be wrong, so I don't immediately act upon my assumptions. I can sometimes consider alternative possibilities, and sometimes I even talk with people about what I'm thinking.

The problem with this person in recovery is that my thinking still leans toward the negative, and I am still prone to depression - so when I assume, it's usually negative and I often use the assumption against myself, demeaning my character and calling myself all sorts of nasty names. Yes, that's insane. The worst case scenario is that I assume something that isn't true, and use that assumption to begin really self-destructive behavior, like drinking. As of this writing, that doesn't make much logical sense - but I've used facts around me to make assumptions about my worthiness that have led me down the path of self destruction. 

I've been looking for jobs in Waukesha so that I can move back there. I'm currently employed at the plastics factory near where I'm living through a temporary service. They have a branch in Waukesha, and I discovered a job I'd like to have in their listings. So, I called the Waukesha office to let them know I am interested and to inquire on what steps I need to take to apply for that job. I explained that I am already working for the temporary service, and told them my assignment. I got the impression that the person on the other end of the line didn't think a person working in a factory would be qualified for the job in which I'm interested, which left me a little irritated. That impression I got was an assumption. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but, more importantly, it doesn't matter.

So I went thinking nasty things about that office in Waukesha and the people who worked there, as well as getting down on myself a little for not having a straight career path. (Thinking nasty things isn't good for me, whether they're true or not, and neither is getting down on myself). I took the time to re-write my resume, listing my relevant experience first rather than doing a chronological resume. I emailed my resume to the Waukesha office with the job rep's name in the subject line. I didn't hear anything for a few days, so I called the office and left a message for the job rep. The rep's voicemail message states, "I'll call you back within two hours" (this is important in a little bit). I didn't get a call-back, so I assumed the rep wasn't interested, and I started focusing on other job resources (which is a good idea).

Today I received a text from the job rep asking me to call them, which renewed my hope. I talked to the job rep after work today, and he let me know he had been out of the country until Monday. People often fail to update their voicemail messages - I know this, but I had forgotten it in my efforts to assume the worst. So I talked to the rep, and they are going to contact the company at which I'd like to work and set up an interview for me.  Hmph - stymied again!

I'm not good yet at taking an objective view of myself and my world. My perceptions are still on the negative, low self-esteem side. Interestingly enough, in talking with others, I can help them see more alternatives than they can see themselves, but it's still a challenge to help myself. I didn't do anything rash in this instance, but I did poison my own thinking (I was going to say unnecessarily, but anytime I poison my thinking it's unnecessary).

I'm not powerless to change my thinking for the better, but it takes practice and consistency, and for situations like this to pop up. I'm writing about this because writing and talking about it helps me make the commitment to change.

I've come to a better understanding that the 'stuff' that happens in life are really lessons, and I don't have to beat myself up, in fact, it's counter-productive to beat myself up, for receiving a lesson. Today I can be grateful for lessons like this, for they're helping me grow into the person I'd like to be.

 Namasté,

Ken

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

A Sense of Purpose Helps

A very real aid to mental health and substance use recovery is having a sense of purpose. The opposite of having a sense of purpose is having no sense of purpose - no reason to get out of bed in the morning, nothing really going on to motivate me to put forth any effort to embrace life. Major depressive disorder can make it seem as if I have no purpose, or as if my purpose isn't really worthwhile or valid. Active addiction takes away whatever sense of purpose I might have and replaces it with the purpose of obtaining and using alcohol or other drugs. So when I begin recovery, and continue in recovery, having a sense of purpose  helps me keep moving forward when there are forces within me that would like to see me move backward.

I think there is a difference between having a purpose and having a sense of purpose. Having a purpose, to me, is more finite. It's having a goal, which is concrete and observable. It's a destination - I'm going to become a millionaire, or I'm going to travel to New Orleans. Having a sense of purpose, on the other hand, gives me a guide about how I'm going to show up today - what my attitude and behavior is going to be. Having a sense of purpose doesn't guarantee that I'm going to reach a specific destination. It's more like, "I'm going to travel in a northerly direction and see where I end up." A sense of purpose is the journey itself.

Having a sense of purpose allows me to adjust to what is and live in the now. My own particular sense of purpose allows me to use the gifts I have to help enrich the lives of others while at the same time progressing in my own healing work. This is a fairly broad sense of purpose, and here is one of the ways in which it helps:  I'm currently working in a job that isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. I inspect parts, and have recently been upgraded to machine operator. Sometimes it's fun and interesting; sometimes, I do the same thing over and over for 8 hours. In the job itself, I get to use my 'gift' of being able to find fault with anything. Under normal (for me) circumstances, I would find this job boring and very hard to do - the pay isn't good, and there's not a lot of incentive to keep showing up other than it's all I have right now. Without a sense of purpose that I can bring to the job, I'd find myself getting depressed and possibly relapsing. However, I'm able to activate my sense of purpose so that my 8 hours a day (not including travel) is not wasted.

My sense of purpose allows me to understand that if I continue to do well at this job, something better will show up for me. Also, I take the time and energy to get to know some of the people with whom I work, and I sometimes ride home with people I work with. I've found that many of the people I work with can relate one way or another to substance use and/or mental health issues. Also, I have plenty of time to practice silent affirmations while I'm at work.

I'm not a person who has a lot of internal motivation. I'm like an actor who can't do a role until s/he knows their motivation. I'm not the most ambitious boy on the block. I have, however, learned that I can instill within myself a sense of purpose that can masquerade as motivation or ambition. It's really knowing that whatever I'm engaging in, no matter what it looks like on the surface, is moving me in a direction that I want to go.

I believe that each moment I move forward with a sense of purpose, I am not only helping others, I am strengthening my own recovery.

Namasté,

Ken

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

The Resilience Factor

Resilience: 1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.  2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity. (Oxford English Dictionary)

Last week I was doing some online stuff before work started, and I ran into two disappointments, one of them financial. I thought about my options for a little bit, and then started work. There were no histrionics, no self-pity, no rending of my clothes and/or gnashing of my teeth (well, maybe a little gnashing - I'm a gnasher from way back), just simple acceptance of the way things were in that moment. I said a little prayer of thanks for resilience.

Later on, as I'm working and thinking, I'm thinking about the fact that I didn't do my morning routine of spiritual and inspirational readings and prayer either that day or the day before, and I'm beginning to wonder how long my resilience will last. Will something happen later on that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and sends me into negative thinking, self-pity, and depression? You see, in me, resilience is not something that I either have or I don't; it's a mindset that I acquire through certain practices.

I like the 2nd definition above a little more than the first. The 2nd definition reminds me of a live, healthy tree - it's got roots that go deep enough to support it and nourish it, and it has sap running through it's fibers that nourish its limbs and leaves. A healthy tree can often survive a strong storm - the winds may bend the tree and rustle its leaves, but when the storm is done, the tree will be back to its old self. Now, take a tree that has died, but is still standing - the sap has run out of it, and it's limbs are hard and rigid. A dead tree can be easily uprooted or have its limbs snap off in a storm because it's no longer resilient - it lacks the quality of elasticity which would allow it to be swayed and return to its original shape.

Resilience is an important part of recovery from addiction and mental illness. Resilience in this way can be likened to immunity - if my immune system is strong, I can resist acquiring infections, or if I do get infected, I will recover quickly. If I have a weak or compromised immune system, my body is much more likely to catch something, and it could create a serious and even life-threatening infection. Certain things like my age, my diet, whether or not I exercise and get enough sleep, and my reaction to stress are all factors in whether or not my immune system is healthy and strong. I keep my resiliency healthy in much the same way, with a few more things added.

I'd like to mention here that I do take prescribed medication to treat my mental health condition. The medication does not really make me more resilient; it allows me to get to a level of functioning whereby I am able to practice coping skills that will help me maintain my mental/emotional health and sobriety.

So now that my brain is banging on all 8 most of the time, what do I do to enhance my resiliency? (The following list is not ordered in importance, other than the first item).
  • Abstain from alcohol and other mood-altering drugs. Kinda makes sense, and for me there's no quicker way to push resilience away than by beginning to use again.
  • Take my mental health medication as prescribed, and consult my psychiatrist before making any changes. It feels good to go for a while without a depressive episode, but time without an episode does not mean I'm cured. Likewise, time without an episode does not make me immune. I need to let others help me manage my mental health (which is a big challenge for me, but can be done).
  • Daily read spiritual material, pray, and meditate (or practice mindfulness). Ok, maybe these are in order of importance so far. I've been able to do this more consistently lately than ever before, and there are so many benefits to a consistent spiritual practice. Not only do I feel more connected to life, but the connection allows me to feel like life happens through me rather than to me, and this is an important factor in resilience. Another benefit is that staying connected spiritually gives me more power and motivation to do other healthy things for myself.
  • Practice good sleep hygiene. Lack of good sleep contributes negatively to my resiliency. It's that simple.
  • Eat healthily. Eating healthy foods makes me feel better inside, whereas eating junk and sugar can make me irritable and impatient, two feelings that do not contribute to resiliency.
  • Play. Doing stuff just for fun reminds me that life isn't always as serious as my mind can make it out to be.
  • Utilize support groups. Having places to share my experience, strength, and hope with others keeps me living in the solution. On my own, I have a tendency to live in the problem, which is not resilient. On my own, my mind narrows, and I don't see solutions.
  • Utilize mentorship. Like support groups, mentorship allows me to learn new ways of living from someone I trust.
  • Exercise. Exercise is healthy! And it releases certain natural chemicals that make my brain feel good. And I feel more whole when I exercise regularly. Exercise lowers my blood pressure and heartbeat. All of these things promote resilience.
Finding out what makes one resilient is a matter of reflection. Do stuff and see what happens. Meditate for a few days, and if someone cuts you off on the road and you don't get pissed, it might be from the meditation. Or eat straight sugar for 3 days, and if life begins to seem overwhelming, there might be a causal relationship.

The librarian is giving me the evil eye, so I will close here and maybe come back and edit. Thanks for reading!

Namasté,

Ken

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Integrating Life's Experiences

Forty-six years ago, when I was 11 years old, I lost my left eye. It got injured in an accident and I had it replaced with a prosthesis. I started the 6th grade shortly after it happened, and it was a difficult time. It takes a while to get used to monocular vision after having binocular vision - depth perception is all but gone, and bumping into things becomes much easier. And if I couldn't play baseball and basketball all too well previously, I sure couldn't now!  Insult was added to injury when I became the class freak. Little kids are mean, vicious bastards, and will pick on anyone who doesn't fit into a fairly narrow version of what a 'normal' kid should be. I became acutely aware that I now had one eye, both from my own perspective and the perspective of those around me.

Eventually, I learned to integrate my experience - that is, I wasn't always conscious that I had only one working eye, and when brought up, it wasn't something about me from which I wanted to hide. And by 'eventually', I don't mean 3 or 4 months - try 6 years plus. (I was mostly cool with it as an adult, until I had occasion in a therapy group to talk about it, and I realized by the sweat pouring out of my armpits that I might still have some anxiety surrounding the issue. I learned at that time, in 2002, that I had held a resentment against God all that time for not giving me the healing I wanted. But that's another post). In high school I learned to drive, and discovered that I could drive decently with one eye - decent enough to get my driver's license. I'm not sure exactly how I handle the whole depth perception thing, but my brain has found a way to calculate distance while driving that works well, except when it's nighttime and rainy (or when I've been drinking, but even people with two eyes shouldn't drink and drive).

That's what I mean about integrating a life experience - being able to accept that I am a whole human being despite something 'bad' happening to me and being able to live well with a, frailty, for lack of a better word right now. Or maybe that is a good word. Yes, that's a good word.

Enough about the eye - this post isn't about body parts, it's about personal integration. 

So at work, my new job, 4 or 5 people have asked how I came to live in the little town in which I now reside. I've told the truth, to each person - I've stated matter-of-factly that I was having problems with alcoholism and depression, and went into the treatment facility in this small town, and I live here now (for a while, anyway, but I don't say that at work). Telling the truth, especially in this instance, is a whole lot easier than making up a story that I'd have to remember and might bring on more questions. The truth has been received matter-of-factly as well; here's a person who had an issue and came here to do something about it, much like a person with a physical illness might visit the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

Had I made up a story, the worst thing wouldn't have been having to maintain the story; the worst thing would have been the damage done to my soul and psyche (maybe the same thing) by covering up an essential piece of who I really am. When I lie about myself and cover things up, I'm reinforcing the belief that I'm not good enough just as I am. I generate more shame when I try to pretend I'm somebody that I'm not. Now, I can walk through shame and guilt - I've done it before, a lot, and I'm pretty good at it - for a minute. Loading more stuff onto the shame I already carry pushes me closer to my next relapse.

Another life experience came up at work. One of the guys with whom I work has mentioned a couple of times that he's done time (spent time in prison). Ok, cool, whatever. So we're working the other day, and he asks me, "You ever been to prison?" This caught me by surprise, but I still responded with, "Yes." Then he asks where, and I tell him the Wisconsin prisons I've stayed at (I left out Kansas, because I didn't think he was talking about Kansas). Then he asks when, and it turns out we were at the same correctional facility for a time. Now, I don't know this guy from Adam, but he must have remembered my face, because he remembered that I was a tutor who helped inmates get their GED. And I'm thinking, what the hell? What are the chances of working with a guy with whom I was in prison 17 years ago? It turns out that we've both been able to avoid going back since that time, so it's all good.

A faithful reader of this blog might think that I've bared my soul through this blog enough to be rid of any shame I might have harbored. Nope - it's just the tip of the iceberg, but it really does help. It's not necessary for me to tell everyone I meet my whole life story, but it's evident to me that it is necessary for me to be able to share my experience with others when it does come up.

I want to be authentic and integrated. More than want to, it is necessary for my continued mental health and sobriety. Integrated means pieces put together and whole. It's like a jigsaw puzzle - when the pieces are put where they fit, and they're all there, the puzzle makes a beautiful picture. If pieces are missing, or in the wrong place, it detracts from the picture.

Nothing happens, nothing could happen, in life without the Universe's permission. This is not to say that every experience every human has is good - far from it! There's lots of pain and suffering in life, along with joy and beauty. I certainly don't know the why behind everything. I do know that a lot of the bad that happens in this world is the natural consequence of unskillful thinking. Another portion of the bad that happens, at least in my life, comes from trying to cover up - it comes from straight up dishonesty and the ego's desire to show the world a different face than what's really going on. And covering something up guarantees that it's going to happen again.

Let's take an easy example. Say I went out drinking last night (I didn't, but let's just say I did); in the morning, in addition to remorse and a hangover, I've got people around me asking what the hell I was up to last night. If I tell the truth as best I can, I'm allowing Light to shine on the subject, and I've a better chance of being led to a solution. If I'm dishonest, I'm keeping my actions and my motives in the dark. Now I've just added a shovelful of guilt and shame onto myself. How does an alcoholic live with guilt and shame? This one doesn't - he drinks again to cover it up, which adds yet more guilt and shame.

So a part, maybe most or all, of being authentic and integrated is rigorous honesty. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Honesty allows the light to shine on a problem, which then can yield a solution, and the problem doesn't have to repeat itself. Healing can take place.

That's a major part of what I'm doing at this time in my life - learning and taking the risk to be vulnerable, to be honest, so that I might reconcile my past with who I am today and live this life joyously without shame. 

The Universe just spoke through the librarian at the library where I'm writing this to let me know I've got just a few minutes left, so I'll wrap this sucker up. If you're still with me, thank you!

There are 3 or 4 people in the world who know me, and who still think I'm a pretty neat guy. Yeah, I know, there's no accounting for taste! But I am beginning to accept that every experience, good or bad, has led me to this point today, to being the person I am today. My thoughts, feelings, and actions have shaped me into the person I am today, so even if I've had some less than desirable experiences, the ultimate result for a lot of them has been a better Ken. So my goal is to shine the Light on the stuff that still lurks in the darkness, so that I may come to love myself more, to love life more, and to become even more useful to this world.

I'll keep you apprised.

Namasté,

Ken

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Keeping My Chin Up (I'm Still Here)

Since my last post, I've stayed sober (and relatively sane), let my Certified Peer Specialist certification lapse, gotten a job in a plastics factory as an inspector, re-connected with my therapist and begun work on discovering those subconscious tidbits that continually trip me up, successfully completed treatment, and moved into sober living.  Other than that, it's been kind of slow.

Today I'm going to write about what's foremost in my mind, which isn't (at this point, anyway) a happy topic. I like to put things nicely, but I don't know how in this instance - so, here it is: there has been a lot of relapse and death around me lately.  First, my roommate from the halfway house moved into sober living - we were going to be roommates there as well - and he relapsed in a big way about the time I was moving into sober living. He's not doing well. Some other people with whom I shared the treatment journey have relapsed as well. Two people I know in recovery have passed recently. I also found out one of my cousins' sons passed away two years ago at age 25. I didn't know him, but it's one of those things that makes me wonder and makes me sad. And I found out today from the person with whom I've been riding to work that their oldest child died some years ago from a heroin overdose. And then today at work, the person I was working with today told me that his sister passed away 2 weeks ago, and my coworker is now raising their niece and nephew, and they found out today that a friend of theirs died by suicide two days ago.

It's sad. I feel sad about all the suffering going on. I also feel a bit dismayed - what the heck is going on? There have been a lot of deaths this past year by suicide and relapse. When I was still sick, in my active addiction and depression, I used this as an excuse to not get better. I was giving up. Now I recognize it as a part of the territory I'm in - I know a lot of people in recovery from addiction and a fair number of people living with mental health conditions. What's happening now is, unfortunately, not all that unusual; I'm simply acutely aware of it right now, 'it' being people suffering and sometimes dying.

My response today was to get a little down in the dumps about it all. Writing about it helps; talking to the right person about it would help, too, except that I don't have phone service again until the day after tomorrow and it's a bit difficult to get hold of the person with whom I'd like to talk. But whatever. My overall response is one of gratitude. I look at each individual that has relapsed and each individual that has passed away and say, "That could have been me." My gratitude is that I am still here to enjoy this life and contribute what I can. 

And then I focus on the living. I've been told, and I believe, that 'Why?' isn't a spiritual question - that when I ask 'Why?', I'm not looking for a reason, I'm looking for an argument. I can't do anything for those that have passed on. I can do little for those who have relapsed until they become ready again to get back into recovery. I can do a lot for the survivors.

I listen, and, when warranted, I share my experience. No, I can't bring your loved one back to life, nor can I make anyone recover. But I can listen and let you share your sadness, hurt, grief, and dismay with me. I can make myself available so your pain might ease for just a bit. I don't like the subjects of grief and loss and relapse anymore than most people; but I am equipped to walk with someone a little bit so that they aren't completely alone in their suffering. I can even give a little hope around the possibility that things will get better, because I've been where their loved one has been and I'm getting better. Recovery is possible so long as we're still breathing.

One thing I know today and pretty much accept is that I can't feel the joy of life if I avoid the suffering. I don't like that fact, but it seems to be true, so I work on accepting it. This means when suffering comes from my own thoughts and actions, I endeavor to embrace it, so I can learn from it and let it go. If I try to escape or avoid it, it just comes at me from a different route. Today I'd rather face stuff head-on. And I don't attempt to avoid the real suffering of others either. I figure that if it comes to me, it must be mine to deal with in some way, through listening, sharing, and prayer. 

Through it all, I'm still here, and I'm in a good place - I'm sane and sober, I've got everything I need materially today, and I have purpose. I can't tell you what next week will look like, but I can say that if I continue to do what's mine in front of me to do, I'll still be doing well.  And I'm grateful today for the journey.

By the way, thank you to Anonymous for the comment on my last post - I really appreciate it! And if anyone else feels like commenting, please do so.

Namasté,

Ken

Saturday, July 6, 2019

A Firm Footing

Living in a community (halfway house) with 10 or 11 other men in early recovery is an excellent opportunity - it's an opportunity to learn how to get along with other men without the use of mind-altering chemicals, how to develop healthy friendships, and how to express oneself in a healthy way. It's also an opportunity to experiment with different recovery strategies and find out what works and what doesn't work.

Although relapse isn't mandatory, it often takes more than one treatment for a person living with addiction and/or a mental health condition to attain and maintain a recovery that lasts. My observation and my experience is that a real surrender and a real desire to change from the inside out is necessary to begin building a recovery that works and a recovery that lasts. 

As you might have guessed from previous posts, I know a bit about what a good recovery looks like. Knowing this has not been sufficient to keep me in recovery. Even working in the field of recovery has not kept me in recovery.  So the question for me is, "What's it going to take?"

Good question. I'm not going to speak to anyone else's experience, as I've yet to meet anybody whose specific program of recovery works for me in the long run.  I've tried to mimic and be like others, and it just doesn't work. I can say that the basics that work for most people work for me - honesty, openmindedness, willingness, spirituality, connection, and being of service. But it seems I've had to experience what doesn't work before I get to experience what does.

Some years ago I theorized that if a person had a healthy self-esteem and a good outlook on life, then that person probably wouldn't want to poison themselves with alcohol or other substances, or to put his/her life in danger. Now, that's not to say that a person with those attributes would not acquire the disease of addiction or a mental health condition; there are plenty of cases of sound-minded people who have experienced these things. What I am saying is that a person with those attributes who found themselves in the throes of addiction or mental illness could, with proper support and education, find their way to a healthy recovery.

Quite recently I've come to discover that there are things going on in my subconscious mind that inform how I feel sometimes and, ultimately, how I behave. We all have that; it's part of being human. However, I seem to have issues that I am unable to identify at this time, and these issues affect the way I feel about myself. Additionally, these issues cause me to sabotage myself and make me a danger to myself. I am unable as of this writing to deal with them on a conscious level, so I will be seeking more professional help in delving deeper so that I can bring this stuff up and get it taken care of.

Because of large blank spots in my memory, I've always known that I must have some stuff to work on. I've tried to work on it myself through prayer and meditation, and reading different self-help type materials. I know it's there, yet I haven't wanted to ask anyone to help me dig it up. These issues, whatever they are, are keeping me from being the person I know I can be.

Surrender in the sense of mental health conditions and addiction means that I acknowledge and accept that I have done everything that I can do on my own to control or get rid of the problem, and I am ready to accept, without reservation, someone else's ideas and suggestions. 

This is where I'm at - I surrender. I'm tired of the struggle, and I admit defeat. 

Those in recovery from addiction know that this is the point at which a person can begin recovery. I know I must give everything over, even that of which I am unaware, to a Power greater than myself in order to begin full recovery. Fortunately, I know my Higher Power works through capable and talented caregivers, as well as experienced peers in recovery, and I am now ready to take my life to the next level with the help of those around me.

As mentioned in a previous post, my recovery is a journey of self discovery, and I am committed to sharing what I discover along the way. I will continue to utilize this blog to share what I learn about myself in my recovery.

Namasté,

Ken 

Friday, July 5, 2019

Back from the Far Country

As both of you probably know, I've been in the Far Country for the past several months doing research. I am back now and I can faithfully report that addiction and mental illness still suck.

I am currently residing at a residential transitional addiction treatment facility (halfway house) somewhere in Wisconsin, and I seem to be back on the recovery side of the tracks. What that means for me is that I am drug and alcohol free and am not currently experiencing symptoms of depression. That's the clinical side of it.

On the mental/emotional side of it, I am working on acceptance and on finding out what it's going to take to keep me on the recovery side of things for good.

I've been at the halfway house now since May 15th, and sober since May 9th. I will remain at the halfway house until August 13th or 14th, and then probably go on to a sober living facility.

I'm going to keep this post short...I just wanted to let my two readers know that I'm back, and I will continue posting. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, and thank you for reading!

Namasté,

Ken

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Suddenly Stigma

The subject of stigma is dealt with often by people in recovery from mental health conditions and addiction/alcoholism. One of the bars to recovery is stigma; stigma keeps people from asking for help, or even admitting and accepting that they have a condition that needs attention. People can become afraid of the 'mental illness' label or the addict label to the point that they try to shove the condition under the rug. Mental illness and addiction don't go away, however, simply by ignoring the conditions. Eventually symptoms of the conditions arise, quite against the will of the person living with the condition.

When I entered into recovery from all my conditions four years ago, I wasn't concerned with who knew about my conditions - they had consumed me, so there was no pretense that I was not affected by alcoholism and major depressive disorder. Then I began working in the fields of addiction and mental health, so it still didn't matter; in fact, recovery became my identity (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). There was a problem with this, however, that I didn't realize until recently - I didn't have empathy with others who struggled with stigma. I wasn't experiencing stigma enough to really be able to relate and help others who were experiencing stigma.

That all changed once I got a job in the GP (general population). Suddenly I found myself surrounded by people who may or may not be sympathetic to my situation. Suddenly I found myself covering up and actually lying about my life when someone I work with was asking me questions about me. Suddenly I found myself being affected by stigma - it was causing me to behave in a manner contrary to my principles, which are about openness, honesty and authenticity. Suddenly I became empathetic with others who struggle with the same thing, and suddenly I felt a lot of admiration for those who are able to come out of the closet, so to speak, and damn the consequences. 

I need to point out here that the stigma I'm experiencing so far is self-induced. I didn't walk into my new job and find people who don't understand mental illness and addiction - my stigma comes from my own fear and my own projections onto others about how they're going to think about me. So in a way, I can't empathize with those who have been discriminated against one way or another for having a mental health condition or an addiction; I can only empathize with those of us who walk around in fear about being discovered.

I've already gotten a dose of closed-mindedness from one person with whom I closely work regarding alcoholism - this person, through their voluntary sharing, has let me know they think alcoholism and addiction are a choice that can easily be managed by willpower whenever the person chooses to do so. This person has also shared with me much of their family history. Actually, they've volunteered a whole bunch of information that I think I could do without hearing. 

Contrary to what I do in this blog, I don't walk around freely  advertising my experience and thoughts regarding spirituality, mental health, and alcoholism. I would like to be open enough in real life to be a resource for those who may be affected by their own or someone else's mental health condition or addiction. I was fairly open in last GP job, and I was able to offer resources to my co-workers and create some bonding.

I've got a couple of choices. Since most folks at work don't advertise their conditions (almost everybody has something), I can choose to not talk about my mental health and substance use conditions and, when asked, say "I don't feel comfortable talking about this." The other choice would be, when asked, to be truthful about my experience, and let others feel about me the way they feel about me.

I'll choose the latter, for a couple of reasons: one, I can't go on lying about myself and expect to stay in recovery. Authenticity, though sometimes uncomfortable, is essential to my well-being. Two, stigma is battled by changing one mind at a time. My example of recovery coupled with my honesty can show someone that people with mental health conditions and/or substance use disorders do recover. As a bonus, I may be able to help someone else in a similar situation. 

Eradicating stigma must start, I believe, with those of us who have been affected by a mental health condition, either from living with it or having an affected loved one. Part of my purpose, I suppose, is to help eradicate stigma (and not add to it) - otherwise, my experience in the trenches is for naught.

I will definitely be writing more about this as I am now committed to 'coming out' if and when the opportunity arises. I'll let you know what happens!

Namasté,

Ken