Happy New Day!

I was debating whether or not to post today. I can't in good conscience wish everyone a Happy New Year, because it's an empty wish. We don't get new years. We get new moments, new minutes, new days at best. January 1st, in the cosmic scheme of things, is no different than December 31st or January 2nd. It's simply a mark on a calendar.

Looking back, there are reasons to call 2017 my 'best' year ever. I've made more money in other years, so that's not what I'm talking about. 2017 is the year in which I've experienced the best mental health, the best sobriety, the best peace of mind, and the best purposeful living throughout this lifetime. However, if I try to ride 2017 into 2018 with the hopes that 2018 will be as good or better, by the time the end of 2018 rolls around, I'll be sorely disappointed.

I have heard, or read, and I think it was Emmet Fox, but I don't want to look it up right now - I've read that if I want to have a bright and happy future, I need to focus my attention on making today the best I can. If I do this consistently, my future will consistently get better. If I do it inconsistently or not at all, then I leave my life open to the vagaries of fate and chance. I have lived this, and I believe this.

I would love a better world, but I know that I won't get a better world until I start with allowing into my life the things that make me a better me, and letting go of the habits and beliefs that no longer serve me. Waking up and railing at the inconsistencies and injustices in the world around me does nothing except empower those inconsistencies and injustices. If there is something 'out there' that I think needs to change, then I need to look inside of myself and see what needs changing. I do see lots of injustice in the world around me, which indicates to me that I still have a lot of inner work to do.

One of the things that seems to have taken place over the last year (I've been noticing it more quite recently) is that I really am beginning to look at this life as an adventure and beginning to enjoy it. That's pretty neat! And I don't want to stop there.

I'm fairly aware of what's due for a change in me, and I am willing to work on it and allow others to support me in that change. And that's all I'm going to say! 

I won't wish you a Happy New Year, if you're reading this (or even if you're not) - that, to me, is like 'I wish you'd lose 50 pounds' or 'I wish you'd quit __________ (smoking, drinking, gambling, fill in the blank).' Whether or not your New Year is happy is your own business. However,

If I can do anything to support or enhance your desires and dreams, please let me know and I'll do what I can. And that's a promise.

I do hope that you have a safe and pleasant evening, doing what makes your heart sing.

Namaste,

Ken

Create a Merry Christmas

I was poking around my blog to see if I posted anything on the last two Christmases, since I didn't really have an inspiration for anything to write for this Christmas. Apparently, I wasn't inspired the last two Christmases either, which isn't surprising. Christmas isn't my favorite holiday.

I think in one of the previous incarnations of this blog I wrote a Christmas piece. I won't try to re-create it; I'll tell it like it is today.

I'm working today and tomorrow. I set it up that way. Well, today's shift was scheduled; tomorrow's I volunteered for. I generally try to work the Christmas holidays, but not for extra money; I'm avoiding Christmas as much as possible while still participating. 

And as I got to thinking about that, I realized that my attitude is not in line with my vision for living. It happens; that's how I grow - set the bar a little higher, and move toward it, and set it higher again. So by avoiding Christmas, I'm not living in integrity. I'm pretty sneaky, because I'm still doing stuff with my girlfriend and her family, so when people ask me what I'm doing for Christmas, I've got something to say. If I were living in integrity, I'd say, "I'm avoiding it as much as possible," instead of using my alibi. Or, if I were living in integrity, I'd be embracing Christmas in my own way, because nowadays I try to be about embracing life rather than avoiding life.

Growing up, I acquired the habit of wishing things would never come. Things came anyway, so it wasn't a realistic wish. So then I learned how to avoid or escape, and lived that strategy for many, many years. I see today that avoid/escape isn't the best strategy for dealing with life, either, so I decided to put my big boy pants on and learn to embrace life. It's a slow process.

So, as far as Christmas goes, I already know what I don't like about it. What can I do to make it a holiday season for me? Here are some tips for me for next Christmas:

• Plan ahead! Start planning now, so I'm ready next year. Make a list.
• Lights - the part I really like about Christmas is lights. After Christmas, one can purchase Christmas lights at ridiculously low prices at places like Steins. Buy a lot of lights so I can make a brightly obnoxious display next Christmas.
• Handmade cards - I used to be a photographer - take pictures and make meaningful cards for certain people in my life, and remember - I don't have to send cards to everyone!
• Save up for a special Christmas donation to my favorite non-profit (NAMI Waukesha) or my second favorite non-profit (Lutheran Social Services).
• Think of and create gifts for my special friends.
• Spend time with those who might be having a less-than-merry Christmas.
• Spend more time with the special people in my life.

So, doing that would make Christmas meaningful and enjoyable to me, and today I'm not obligated to follow anyone else's idea of Christmas. I do believe in being a giving person all year round, and I can still set aside a special time to give more.

Merry Christmas, or whatever you're celebrating!

Namaste,

Ken

Creative Expression

I recently (about 2 minutes ago) saw a FB post talking about more artists coming forward to seek help for depression and some of the other maladies that seem attracted to creative types. I wrote this as a reply to the post: "I used to think that my creativity came from my darkness. After being relieved from some of the darkness, I recognize the Source as being much deeper. My creativity flourishes even better in the Light." With all of the deaths in the past few years of musicians and actors and such from addiction and or mental health issues, I'd say it's about time to banish the myth that drug use or alcohol use or mental disorders are nearly a requirement for creativity. 

It seems since forever that we've had artists and writers and musicians who, along with creating masterpieces still admired today, lived tragically troubled lives. To name a few, just off the top of my head: Vincent Van Gogh, Ludwig Von Beethoven, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, John Belushi, Robin Williams, Janis Joplin, Freddie Prinze, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Joe Walsh, Dr. John, Sylvia Plath...the list can go on and on and on. So, I think we almost come to expect that creative people often have something 'wrong' with them.

The creative mind is an open mind. Open minds are dangerous. Open minds think outside the box. Open minds see things that closed minds don't necessarily see - and someone who has the capacity to see great beauty also has the capacity to see incredible ugliness. Very often, I think, creative people will use substances to control the mind - to sort of close it up a little bit. However, in those with addiction, the substances can take over, closing off all creativity, and often killing the host. 

But what can happen is that the creative person who has an addiction or a mental health issue believes that the addiction or disorder is a necessary part of their creativity.  The creative person, when presented with an opportunity to recover, may feel s/he has to make a choice between physical life and their own true love, creativity. 

I think it is time to understand that creative brains do indeed fall outside the 'normal' range in so many ways, but the creative person's life doesn't have to end tragically for them to be creative. I think it's time to understand that a brain that falls outside the norms simply means that the person who possesses that brain has the challenge of finding healthy ways to harness their powerfully creative brain to use it in constructive, yet still creative ways.

I know many people in recovery from addiction and mental health conditions that were creative before they got so sick, and have chosen to be creative in their fields post-recovery. Personally, I have written more over the past four years than I have the previous 50. I understand today that I have a wide-open mind, and I no longer shame myself for it. I am learning how to live well with the mind I have, and to express what is inside of me in ways that are enriching for me and, hopefully, uplifting for others. I no longer live in the prison of my own mind; the walls are crumbling, and I get to see the beauty both within me and the beauty surrounding me. I am grateful today for that which makes me different, because I get to experience and enjoy life today in a way that is 'outside the box'.

I am grateful that I lived long enough to recognize that what I once thought were overwhelming burdens are actually wonderful gifts. Learning to master this thing between my ears is the challenge of a lifetime, but, again, well worth it.

Many blessings to you, and may your creative juices flow freely!

Namaste,

Ken

Status Stigma

Anything can happen to anybody at any time.

I have been guilty of what I'm calling 'Status Stigma'. Very generally, it's putting other human beings on a pedestal and being surprised or disappointed when something very human happens to them. Sometimes I'm surprised when a well-known individual gets in trouble with the law, or a deep character flaw is revealed, or an addiction surfaces, or s/he dies from an addiction or a mental illness.  We like heroes, or, at least, I do, people we can look up to, admire - and it can be disappointing to me when their humanness shows up.

I think perhaps the greater crime for me is when I do it to people I know personally.  I nearly missed the opportunity to be helpful to someone who has years of long-term recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. This person came to me for assistance with some mental health issues. In my mind, I dismissed their issues as 'not serious', so I did not pay as much attention as I could have. Then I discovered that this person's life is currently seriously affected by a mental health condition. There can be a false sense of security surrounding people who have managed to stay away from alcohol and/or drugs for a long time - sort of like, 'they've got it licked.' Well, yes and no. If that person continues to use the tools that maintain their recovery, and ends up dying from something else, they won't succumb to alcoholism or addiction, but that might be the only thing that's 'licked'.

I feel I should know this: recovery in one area of our life does not guarantee problems won't crop up in other areas. I know people who have become cross-addicted - after a period of abstinence from their 'drug of choice', they may become addicted to another substance that hadn't posed a problem before. Or they may become addicted to a certain behavior. I know recovering alcoholics who have discovered they also need recovery from a gambling addiction or a sex addiction or a food addiction. And then there are those who develop another mental illness after years of recovery from alcoholism or addiction. I've known people who have been in long-term recovery from alcoholism who died by suicide. This I would call Self Status Stigma (or false pride). False pride will cause me and anyone else afflicted by it to avoid seeking help when help is needed. It happens to folks working recovery programs who are embarrassed when things happen. It happens to social workers, addictions counselors, doctors, nurses, ministers, rabbis, imams, gurus, teachers, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers - anybody. Anybody who is looked up to, or anybody who thinks they 'should know better.' Illnesses and human frailties do not discriminate. 

So, what's the solution? How do I avoid stigmatizing myself and others?

Avoiding stigmatizing me is much easier, I think - I stay open and honest with the people who are close to me. I don't try to hide when difficulties arise for me. This (so far) keeps my difficulties to a minimum. I no longer have great big huge crises. Being honest and open with others helps me stay honest and open with me. It keeps me humble, and grateful. I'm far from perfect, yet on a daily basis I seem to be able to suit up and show up and be of useful service to others. I don't help others from a position of superiority - be it education, knowledge, or time in recovery. I help from a position of understanding and empathy. This attitude, I hope, will protect me from my ego getting to big to ask for help.

Avoiding stigmatizing others is more challenging. I still like to think there are people who have this life thing down pat. I still like to think that after a certain amount of time of doing things 'right', a certain immunity to 'bad stuff' develops. I do myself and others a disservice when I put anybody on a pedestal - we all come from the same Creator, and we are all connected. When I elevate someone, I create a sense of separation - they're 'better' than me - that does not, in Truth, exist, and this can cause me to be blind to their humanity. Right now, the solution to this sort of discrimination is for me to correct it when I catch it, and begin to understand that all of us have a human nature and a divine nature. 

Oddly enough, that is the point of this blog, if I recall - for me to begin to understand that I am a spiritual entity having a human experience, and it's all good.

So, I will continue to avoid denying you your humanity while recognizing your divinity. And in allowing you to be you, with all your attendant sufferings, perhaps I'll get a little bit better at allowing me to be me.

And I'll keep remembering, anything can happen to anybody at any time.

Namaste,

Ken

Mindfulness and Change

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

A few days ago, I posted this statement to Facebook: "The only thing that makes change difficult is my resistance to it." My resistance may come in the form of something outside of myself, like a lack of education, or a physical addiction, or where I live, or how much money I have. However, ultimately, I am the one responsible for my own change. And how do I change? By changing the hardest thing in the world to change - my thinking and my beliefs.

If we've never changed a belief in our life, then 100% of the beliefs we operate by were given to us by someone else - our parents or guardians, and the people important to us growing up.  Our beliefs determine our perceptions of life - this is good, that is bad, this is right, that is wrong, this is safe, that isn't. But sometimes we test our beliefs, often because we see someone doing something we believe is harmful or wrong, but they look like they're enjoying it. Drinking is a prime example. There are people who have become alcoholic who grew up in a home where alcohol was never once used. They may have even been warned away from alcohol. But they join the Navy, because they learned that's the patriotic thing to do, and they saw all of their buddies drinking on liberty in Manila, and they thought, "Well, maybe one won't hurt." And if one doesn't hurt, and they have a little fun, their belief regarding alcohol will probably start to change. 

Most of us don't hang on to all of the beliefs with which we were programmed, but we do hang onto many. Sometimes they're not beliefs that really help us - sometimes we have gender role beliefs that don't really go with the yearning of our soul. Perhaps a man loves to cook, but he has a belief that men don't cook, and that's why they get married. Men hunt, women fix the food. So he never enjoys cooking, because (to him) it defies his manliness. Perhaps a girl really enjoys football, and yearns to play, but 'girls don't do contact sports', so she never experiences football in the flesh.

Sometimes the beliefs we hold cause us so much inner pain that we seek change. Often, we look for change outside of ourselves. For instance, I used to feel so bad about myself - low self-esteem - that I sought approval from others. I could get it, but it didn't last and I could never get enough (sounds a little like alcohol!) When I finally realized that only I could give me self-esteem, I began taking the actions that I thought a person with good self-esteem would take - basically, I began being responsible for myself. Then I began to change my thinking about myself, and my perceptions of myself began to change, and now my beliefs about myself are beginning to change. But I have to be mindful of what I'm thinking and what I'm doing. Being mindful at its most basic simply means - paying attention.

Another thing I had to do was momentarily suspend my disbelief. When I began recovery, I knew nothing would work for me. However, because I was in so much pain, I was willing to suspend that belief, if only for a few minutes at a time, to take different actions. Little by little, bit by bit, by thinking and my beliefs began to change. It definitely is not an overnight process.

I would like to share a real-life example of why change can be so difficult: My father answered the phone every time it rang - even if it was a number that was unknown to him. As he got to his last years, he got fewer and fewer legitimate calls. I assisted him nearly the last 4 years of his life, and I tried to get him to not answer the phone unless he knew who was calling (nowadays, I don't try to help someone change unless they want to). My father passed away when he was 86 or 87, so you know there wasn't going to be much changing going on. But here's the picture about the phone thing. Back when my father was growing up, if his family had a phone, it would have been a luxury. More than likely, the town he grew up in had only a few phones, and people would have shared. Also, each time someone used the phone, they had to pay. So you knew if you got a call, it must be important. Additionally, there weren't answering machines. You either took the call or you missed it. Answering machines really didn't come into popular use until the 80's (that's 1980, for my younger reader), and my father was in his fifties in the 80's. So that's a long habit of answering the phone every time it rang with the belief that the call must be important, and that behavior won't change unless given a good enough reason to do so. 

Many people will do an outer change without making an inner change simply because the society around them is changing, and it's more expedient to go along with the flow than to continue on in their behavior. An example of this would be if a woman who loved telling sexist and racist jokes at work learned that her company instituted a new policy whereby the jokes she loved were now forbidden at work. She could probably, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, conform her behavior to meet her company's expectations, so long as the job was worth it to her. Nothing has changed inside. She doesn't respect men or people who look different than her any more than she used to; now she just doesn't show it. She will probably continue her behavior outside of work, never giving it another thought.

True change takes mindfulness, because human beings naturally resist change (see one of my earlier posts about the way the human brain operates to protect us). Welcoming change or even understanding the benefits of change is a form of higher thinking. But, again, because our beliefs and our habits are deeply rooted neural pathways in our brains, real change takes more than just the desire to change.

The resistance to change comes when I become mindful of my obstacles to change, which, at first glance, are usually my thoughts. I do control my thoughts to a great extent, so I don't have to let any one thought pattern control me. But if I've made a physical or behavioral change, and it's not sticking due to repeated thought patterns, then I must look more deeply than just my thinking. And this is where the real resistance comes up, because I have to begin to look at my beliefs, or my subconscious. Beliefs can be not only mentally difficult to change, but biologically difficult as well. Some beliefs we hold are called defense mechanisms, and we have them because at one time they served us - we needed them, they protected us. They are wired into us biologically, so when we start poking around at them, we start getting symptoms like anxiety.

For instance, I hate conflict. I will go out of my way to avoid conflict. I will pay money to avoid conflict. I will do things I don't necessarily want to do to avoid conflict. If two people are arguing around me, I feel great anxiety, and I want to leave, to escape. Avoiding conflict is an old defense mechanism from way back. I no longer need it. Today I'm safe. But because I haven't yet worked on that defense mechanism, it's still there. When I do get to work on it, this is what I will need to do:

When involved in a conflict situation with another person, I must physically calm myself, probably by breathing, even perhaps by temporarily removing myself from the situation to calm down. Then I must reassure myself with some pre-planned self talk to let me know that I'm ok and this is ok and I am safe. Then I must engage and try to peacefully and reasonably resolve the conflict. And then, I must tell myself that I survived it. Repeat probably 20 or 30 times, and I'll have changed my belief about conflict, and it will no longer engage my automatic autonomic fight or flight reaction.

I haven't worked through this one yet because I haven't gotten a big enough carrot; I do, however, see it on the horizon. I've experienced so much change and growth over the past 4 years that I now expect more to come. I've still got a lot of stuff hanging in there that I can get rid of.

But the point is that the more I allow change to occur in my life, the easier it gets for me to let it happen. My resistance drops much more quickly than it used to because I'm reaping the vast benefits of positive progressive change. I used to live in a pretty small and narrow world. I suffered. I choose to no longer suffer, but, in order to avoid suffering, I must  accept some temporary but beneficial pain.

If you've made it this far with me, God bless you! I just learned today some ways to make desired change a little more palatable, and if I implement these methods, I'll let you know how it turns out. 

Namaste,

Ken

Moving from Competition to Cooperation

I've noticed another great benefit to recovery lately - I no longer have to compare myself to others. Having spent most of my life feeling 'less than' or 'not good enough' and having spent a great deal of energy trying to just appear good enough, this development comes as a great relief. 

I notice it when I run across situations in which I know in the past I would have felt or reacted differently than the way I do today. Yesterday I was made aware of another person in recovery who blogs about recovery, as I do. Her name is Vanessa, and after reading her blog, Free to Be V, I posted it to my Pages I Like page. I like what she has to say about her recovery journey, and she communicates her story well through writing.  Today I encourage anyone to share their authentic life experience. To me, that's a big part of the experience of living - to share with others our own experience.

I haven't always had this attitude. As far as writing goes, I've known how to write well since I was in high school, if not earlier. However, my fear of being judged and my belief that I'm not good enough overrode my love of writing for a really long time. After I quit my first university and went on to my second one, I thought I might join that university's writing club. I went to the first meeting, and I felt totally out of place and unwelcome (looking back on the experience, I'm pretty sure that 50-75% of this feeling, if not 100%, belonged to me and me alone). So I went back 'underground' (way underground) and would write only academic papers. Later on in life, when I had a lot of time to kill (because I was doing time), I began writing fiction. Additionally, I would write love letters for my fellow inmates who found writing difficult. The fiction I wrote during that time is long gone, never to be read by another soul. Perhaps the love letters I wrote made some positive impact. Then, when I went to my third university, I became an English major. I don't know if I failed at that, or just haven't completed my degree. Either way, I guess. I think I just don't school well.

I've admired some literary greats, and then there are some great authors that I can't stand reading. I love Stephen King, not only for his subject matter, but for his ability to touch me deeply through his writing.  I know I can't write like Stephen King; that's Dean Koontz's job. My hope would be to touch others through my writing as deeply as Stephen King has touched me through his writing. Some other people who have touched me through their writing are the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, Richard Bach, Pam Grout, and Eugene Holden, to name just a few.

My aim, however, is not to reach the stature of these authors. My aim in creating and maintaining this blog was very simply to give myself a vehicle to write. As I mentioned a long time ago, I find journaling consistently difficult, because I have a hard time believing it does any good if I'm the only reader. The blog is a safe way to journal out loud and still remain relatively 'safe'; for instance, this version of the blog has 124 posts, and only a handful of comments. If I'm pissing people off, I'm not aware of it, and, if I were, what are they going to do about it? So it's a free, low-risk way for me to practice my craft.

Now my aim has changed slightly. Besides that handful of comments, I have had some face-to-face support from people who read this, and the feedback has been positive. I can also tell about how many people click on each post, when I figure out how to subtract the bots that troll my blog, and I see that I seem to have a steady readership. Most of you are anonymous, which works. So, anyway, my aim has changed a bit because I do recognize that people are reading this, so I do actually try to be a bit helpful. The evidence is that I might actually be helpful to others in helping myself. I know that's the case in other aspects of my life.

And this leads me to the spiritual aspect of today's post. For my recovery, I had to come to believe that I am connected to my higher power and to every other living being. We are One, and I am a part of, or an aspect of, that One. Which means that I'm important, to the extent that I am a piece of the One which helps make the One whole. It also means that you're important. It means that we are each unique individuals that make up this whole complete Thing. And, since we're all unique, and we all have our part to play in this thing, the idea of competition gets knocked out, and cooperation takes its place. What's good for me can't be bad for you, because we're connected and you're actually a part of me. It makes a whole lot more sense to cooperate and collaborate (be supportive of each other) than it does to compare and compete. There doesn't have to be a loser in this life. 

So, all my feeling less-than and not good enough and apart from has no basis in the Truth, because I am me, and there is nobody in creation that can be a better me than I can be. And I can't be a better Stephen King than Stephen King can, and my recovery can be no better (or worse) than Vanessa's. It simply looks different, because we're each unique.

We are all a unique experience of the One, or God, if you like.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, because I've found this way of living so much easier and so much more rewarding than the way I used to live. My desire for you is that you are enriched and rewarded on your journey too, and I support you in that.

Namaste,

Ken

Thriving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is a stressful season for just about everybody. I think one would have to be comatose in a sensory deprivation tank to not be affected by the holiday season one way or another. For the person in recovery from addiction and/or mental health conditions, the holidays can be a particularly dangerous time. Because it is stressful, and because the symptoms of our disorders might have made past holidays worse, lots of us walk around already on edge and perhaps dreading upcoming events.

Here are some of the things I practice to make the holidays enjoyable:

Abstain from drinking/using or trying to escape

This almost goes without saying; however, many people feel stress so strongly that 'a little glass of wine' seems perfectly justified. However, we also know that a little glass of wine can turn into an argument, a drunk driving ticket, or even worse. Others of us try to escape by trying to ignore the holidays and isolating. This may be an ok coping mechanism, but for me, embracing this time of year makes me feel much better inside than trying to avoid it. I prepare some lines to say when offered that drink or drug: "I like the holidays better sober." "I'm allergic - whenever I drink (or use), I break out in handcuffs." "I'm driving the sleigh tonight." I also remember that under no circumstances am I required to justify what I  choose to abstain from putting in my own body.

Always remember that I'm not the only one who is stressed

That idiot driver on Bluemound Road who keeps creeping into my line while racing toward Brookfield Square has stuff on their mind, too. Be gentle and patient. It's not an easy time for anyone. And, along those lines,

Be extra kind to those who serve me this time of year

The servers who take my order, the retail clerks that check me out, anybody working this time of year is stressed out. Many people have to work extra hours, so they have the stress of working more, plus their own holiday celebrations, plus the stress that comes along with lots of people contact. It's not easy to maintain a pleasant demeanor when working for a million customers in a day, especially when the customers are often stressed and impatient.

Avoid ruining someone else's experience of the holidays

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has a different experience of the holidays. Personally, I believe I can do without them. I have my own views on the 'meaning of Christmas', but it's not necessary for me to foist my views on anybody else. I don't have to go along with everyone and everything, but neither do I have to make everyone conform with my view. For some people, this is their favorite time of year. For others, it isn't. And it's all ok.

Practicing gratitude

For me, gratitude is an appreciation of all that I've been given, and I've been given a lot! My life is abundant. I can show my appreciation for others by connecting with others this season and giving meaningful gifts from the heart - even if it's just taking a minute to let someone know that I appreciate their presence in my life.

Lower my expectations

Actually, for me, having zero expectations is best. When I take an attitude of, "Let's see what happens," life becomes more pleasant with less disappointment. So when I drive to Brookfield Square, I don't expect to park in front of the store I want to go to. When I'm shopping, I don't expect to be able to breeze in and out of the store in two minutes. 

Take care of myself by:

Adopt a service attitude

In any situation, when I go in with an attitude of 'how can I be of service here,' I usually have a pleasant experience. If I go in thinking, 'What am I going to get out of being here,' if I do actually get something, it probably won't be enough. I can control what I give; I can't control what's given me.

Supporting others

I go to more support groups, again with an attitude of service and giving. When I'm in giving mode, I don't feel lack; when I'm in receiving mode, I often feel lack. Also, when I go to more support groups, I generally feel pretty good about my situation. When I listen to others share what they're going through, I recognize that I'm pretty happy with my 'problems'.

Treating my body well

I make my health a priority. I get enough sleep. I endeavor to say 'no' when I've had enough food (always a challenge). I say 'no' to some commitments, and I try to avoid getting drained.

Taking time for connecting with my Higher Power

This is so important. When I quiet myself, and ask my Higher Power what is important, and how I should show up, I get strength and direction.

Rejecting guilt/staying in my integrity

I always give from the heart first; sometimes my wallet is involved, too. I don't give because someone else expects that I should. If I believe that desiring for someone that they have a prosperous and happy New Year is enough, then that's what I'm giving. I do not let others set my expectations for me. The bonus to this is that when I don't cave in to someone else's expectations, this gives freedom for others to do the same. Additionally, I do not overspend. There is absolutely no reason for me to rack up 3 months worth of debt to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. That is, to me, insane, and I'm trying to step away a bit from insanity.

It can be very challenging to look out for ourselves during the holidays. We are inundated with ideas about the way the holidays 'should' (ooh, there's that dirty word) be celebrated. This can actually be a time for us to look into our hearts to see how we want to celebrate, and know that it is perfectly ok (just as it is perfectly ok for someone else to celebrate in the manner they choose).

So, to sum up, the holidays are an excellent opportunity for me to practice:

Compassion

Patience

Kindness

Loving service

Giving of myself

Living from the inside out

Peace

Joy

I wish for you a most joyous and healthy holiday season and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Namaste,

Ken

Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

Some Helpful Tools for Time Management

About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder). I've had it since elementary school, and probably my whole life. I sometimes wish I had the 'H' (hyperactivity) that often goes with it. I've tried to treat it a couple of times with Ritalin, and that hasn't been a satisfactory solution - I didn't like how controlled the drug is, and I always seemed to build up a tolerance.

I have found that mindfulness helps me greatly. There are certain things that people with ADD or ADHD can do to lessen the negative effects of the disorder. Two books by Edward M. Hallowell, MD, Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction give a very good explanation of ADD and helpful pointers in living well with it. By the way, there is a positive side to it - people with ADD are generally imaginative and creative, and can be quite productive when we learn to work with the disorder rather than against it. One thing that really helps is finding a job that has a variety of things to do - I have a tendency to lose interest in what I'm doing rather quickly, so if I have a few things to bounce around, it's helpful. I imagine that if I was operating a huge press in a factory pounding out the same fender every day, I'd eventually lose a body part due to inattention. Fortunately I currently have jobs that allow me to do different things throughout the day. Even when I was answering phones at the call center all day, we had lots of accounts, so the calls were all different. I could stay focused.

So my challenges at my current jobs are I now have jobs in which I'm not told exactly what to do and when to do it. It's up to me. Another challenge with ADD is that we are poor estimators on how long a task will take. With having multiple things to do and no clear outline on the order in which they should go, I found myself getting behind and feeling a little overwhelmed. My jobs involve helping people and talking with people, but I also do administrative stuff, and, in that department, I was lagging.

At my main job we use Trello, which allows us to communicate better about different projects going on, and also allows us to set reminders and deadlines for ourselves. It's like a central file cabinet with all the to-do lists, only it's digital. Perfect for me, because paper clutter has always been a bugaboo. And then, this week, my supervisor told me about Timecamp. Timecamp allows me to track what I'm doing, either at home or at work. For Timecamp, I simply start the clock and put in the task I'm doing. When I'm done, I stop the clock and start it again on another task. When I'm at the front desk, I type in front desk, and in the comments I can put down the things that I've done while at the front desk - support calls, entering records, whatever. What this does for me is it helps me stay on task, because I'm mindful that I'm keeping track of myself. Additionally, it helps me realize how much I do in a day. Some days I do so much yet have felt unproductive, because I didn't remember half of the things I did. If you do Timecamp, I would recommend two accounts if you're going to do it for your job and for your other life. Additionally, in Timecamp you can run reports to actually see how long it takes to do certain things. 

Both of these software applications have free versions, and I am not getting paid to endorse them. I imagine in today's world that plenty of these types of programs abound. And that's another thing: I'm very grateful for the things I can do with modern technology - it has really enhanced my creativity and, when used skillfully, it enriches my life. 

So there's a few really practical things that have helped me a great deal.

Namaste,

Ken

A Guest Post from Joe McVeen from FB

"I was 14 when my mom fell down the stairs.

I got home off the school bus and followed a trail of blood to her bed, where she lay covered in crimson from her head wound. She used a pillow as a bandage.
I stood there holding the home phone, petrified, my finger hovering over the “9” to call an ambulance. I had never called 911 before and I had almost worked up the courage to do so when Mom half-consciously insisted that I didn’t.

I asked her repeatedly if she was sure, and she insisted again and again that she was fine and it wasn’t a big deal. And as much as I pretended to be independent then, her word still carried enough weight for me to obey. So I didn’t call. I turned and walked shell-shocked out of the room, raced to my bicycle and went off to play football until I had erased the memory completely from my mind.

Two weeks later she was immediately life-flighted the moment she got to the hospital. In those two weeks, the bleeding on her brain dried and swelled, severely damaging her motor function, behavior, and memory. The mom I had always known was gone.

I watched the helicopter take off in total silence. I thought I was blaming her for falling, but I was truly blaming myself for not dialing those three numbers.

That simmering silent blame was cemented in me for years. I masterfully suppressed the biggest trauma of my life, and made it look like I was perfect on the outside. A varsity football captain, full academic engineering scholarship, glimmering resume, the best internships, I made sure to check all the boxes.

This compressed blame fueled me to place more and more weight of external success on my shoulders. I went to personal development seminars, read dozens of books, and planned my whole engineering career out to the dollar.
Then one day the unnecessary ego weight on my shoulders was finally too heavy, and the false shell of bullshit came crashing down.

I visited my mom in the nursing home and cried like a baby with her on her bed. I held her like I should have the day she fell. I told her how sorry I was for not calling 911, how much I have always loved her, and forgave her with all my soul while looking deep into her tear-strewn brown eyes.

In that beautiful moment, I also forgave that shell-shocked 14-year old boy in me. I told him that he did the best he could with what he knew at the time, and now he was free to stop running from his problems to go off and impress people in some game or career.

It was that instant that I developed the loving courage to face real problems with all my heart, which is the source of the passion I bring to my mission today.

Winning is not healing. Impressing is not healing. Fitting in is not healing.

In a moment of loving forgiveness, your greatest struggle becomes your greatest strength.

It's all love, my friends. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

Please share this message so others can be inspired to walk the path to healing, growing and inspiring ❤️.

I love you Mom, for the beautiful soul beneath your broken body. I thank you for all that you sacrificed for me to become a man."

Joe McVeen

Sowing and Reaping

I had a really good day at work today. I assisted several people over the phone and a few people in person, and I really really felt really useful. On the flip side, there are some days at work where I go in prepared to do my best, and it feels like I haven't helped a soul. Either way I get a paycheck, but I don't go to work for a paycheck.

I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.

I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"

Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.

So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)? 

I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.

At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.

As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.

None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.

Namaste,

Ken

Mindful Helping

I unintentionally opened a can of worms this morning in our reflections group. Without going too far into specifics, I made what I thought was a fairly clear and straightforward statement about living in community and looking out for each other. A discussion that was longer and more in-depth than I had anticipated (or desired) ensued. I don't think we came to any hard and fast conclusions about when and how to help the people we live with.

The incident got me to thinking about how I determine when and how to help someone. I looked at my past behavior and my present behavior regarding this, and what 'rules' I follow. I'm pretty sure this is a topic upon which a whole book could be written, and, even after it was written, there'd still be questions about the 'right' way to help someone.

In the past, helping someone was rarely done from my heart, or with any sense of rationality or even humility. I helped when I had something to gain from helping. Often, that gain came in the form of ego gratification or to escape confrontation. A pretty girl had a lot better chance of getting help from me than some guy did. (In fact, sometimes with women I would get obsessed with helping them out, which usually ended with me getting resentful and then drunk. Obsession deserves its own post). Inside, I usually expected something in return for my giving of myself or my money. Sometimes I helped because then I could feel superior to those I was helping. Sometimes I withheld help in order to punish. Often I helped to receive pats on the back, to make someone else make me feel better about myself.

The common ingredient in the way in which I helped others in the past was me. Or, more accurately, my fragile, arbitrary ego. These are not healthy ways to help for me. They threaten my recovery. One way to avoid helping in this manner is to stop helping. I don't think that's healthy, either. Another way for me to learn to help others helpfully is to constantly be on the lookout for the things I put in italics above - is it part of an obsession? Do I have expectations surrounding my help? Is my helping someone helping me to feel superior? Is my ego getting stroked? Am I helping out of fear - like a fear of rejection?

Now, my experience has been that I don't change overnight. This means that in my giving and helping, there are probably still elements of selfishness and ego gratification. However, I can move toward a more healthy helping and giving. For instance, I gave someone a handmade gift (I've probably mentioned this before), and the giving had healthy and unhealthy elements. I care for this person, and I wanted to give him something nice that came from my creativity - that's healthy. I also recognized that I had expectations surrounding the gift. He was supposed to open it in front of a bunch of other people - that didn't happen, and I watched how my thinking went to the disappointment of the dashed expectation. Because I was being observant and mindful, it didn't really matter that part of me went there, because I chose not to focus on what my expectations were, and chose to focus on the fact that I was able to give someone a nice gift that came from the heart.

I think, too, that now that I recognize a higher power that is not only operative in my life but the lives of everyone, the way in which I give is different. I no longer try to be someone's higher power through helping and giving (obsession). And there seem to be a lot of times, especially lately, when people may come to me for something that isn't mine to give. In those cases, I can give support and referral to other resources. There's a part of me that wants to be the Godfather - you come to me needing something, I can supply it. That attitude is 'playing God' (hence the term Godfather), and I avoid doing that. I have to trust that if I can't give someone what they need, our Higher Power will give it to them another way.

Another helpful guideline someone gave me a few years ago - If I do something for someone that they can do for themselves, I'm subconsciously telling them that I don't believe they can do it. This is very important to me in my role as a peer specialist, and even in general as a human being. The greatest discoveries in my life have been when I've been able to do something that I thought I couldn't do. I don't want to deprive anyone of finding out how powerful they really are by doing things for them that they can be doing themselves. Now, sometimes, maybe often, this puts me in a position where I have to say 'no' to folks, and I really don't like doing that. It still makes me uncomfortable, so I guess I have room to grow in that area. But people desiring recovery from addiction and mental health conditions come from a state of helplessness. I still remember vividly when I believed I would never be able to support myself or live by myself. Had I had too many people agree with me on that, I might not be alive today. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now. So it is very important to allow people to discover what they're really made of.

I also have professional ethical boundaries, which give me guidance on how much I can help another. They are useful guidelines, but sometimes I cross those boundaries when I feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm not a big stickler on following rules simply because they're the rules (just kidding if any of my supervisors are reading this!).

Lastly, I need to be mindful of my own needs, which is very much a challenge for me. I still have a tendency to overextend myself in the 'service' of others. Just thinking about it now, writing about Helping Myself could be its own post, if not an entire book. Taking time for myself, by myself, recharging, taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health all require time, and very often I find myself out of time to take care of myself. To be of maximum service to others, I must make sure my own house is in order, to quote one of the recovery texts out there. In other words, if I haven't been taking care of myself, I will be deficient physically, spiritually, or mentally, or all three, and whatever I have to give to someone else might not be all that great. It's a definite balancing act right now on my recovery journey.

Halfway through writing this I changed the title to what it is now, Mindful Helping, and I think this is the key. Practicing mindful helping means being aware, very basically, of my motives and how my actions will impact others and me when helping others. This doesn't mean that all of my choices will be the best choices possible, but it does mean I'll be paying attention to help me avoid the pitfalls I used to experience. Today I can learn from my experiences, and when something doesn't feel right to me, I discuss it with another. 

What I'm most grateful for is that the spirit of service seems to be deeply embedded in me. It's like a gift or a talent that I desire to develop as much as I can. So when I do mindful helping, I'm benefiting not only another human being, I'm benefiting myself, and affirming our connection with the Universe. 

Namaste,

Ken

What's Really Going On?

In yesterday's post I mentioned the fact that what we focus on increases, whether we're focusing on our blessings or the things we'd rather not have. Seeing the good around me has always been a challenge for me - it's much easier for me to spot what's 'wrong'. This trait can be particularly useful if I'm doing something like editing or quality control; however, past that, it serves no purpose other than to maintain a shitty outlook on life.

I've been following the 'news', and I'm pretty sure that I'm not better off for doing so. Even though I know better, I still seem to gravitate toward looking for the bad. I don't really have to look too far, do I? It seems like a chore sometimes to see what's right with people and what's right with the world.

25 years ago I read a letter to the editor in the Milwaukee Journal written by a friend of mine. At the time, Jeffrey Dahmer was on trial in Milwaukee. Fortunately, crimes like the ones he committed are rare in Milwaukee; however, it seemed like everyone was focusing on the case. Her letter urged us to focus on all the things going right with the world, and I think the theme still holds today.

I can't recreate her letter here, but I can write down those things that are right in the world, and I know they'll outnumber the things that are seemingly not right.

• The last time I checked, I still have a pulse. Many people will die today, some tragically and/or needlessly; yet many many more will live.
• I am 95-99% healthy. I have some aches and pains, and there are things I have to watch about my health, but I am not ill at all. I see lots of advertisement that prompts me to think I am lacking in health, but that just is not the case.
• Some people will die today from suicide and/or addiction. I will not, and the vast majority of people will not.
• There is much suffering and inequity in this world. There is not in my life, and I seek, along with many others, to ease the suffering of others.
• Nobody, known or unknown to me, has attempted to harm me today.
• I can live within my means today and have enough left over to share with others. There are some people in this world who have much, much more than I have materially, yet don't feel secure. I am abundantly blessed.
• I am filled with hope today, and every time I share it, my share increases.
• I have control over my mind and my actions today, and so long as I am constructive rather than destructive, I'm doing ok.
• There seems to be a lot of hatred and disconnect nowadays; I know that this is not the Truth; the Truth is that we are all loved and cared for and important, regardless of what we look like or what we've done, and that we are all connected. I seek to live this Truth more and more each day, knowing that how I live does make a difference.
• There seems to be a lot of stupidity, callousness, and ignorance in the world today. In Truth, I am surrounded by people who are awake and aware.

That's kind of the short list. 'Society' tries to program us to stay in an attitude of fear and lack; however, writing this list has made me feel closer to the Truth - that fear and lack are illusions and have only as much power as I give them. When I endeavor to live in the light, others see this, and they are encouraged to let their lights shine as well. All I really can do is give what I have; however, what I have is a lot more powerful than even I know, and the same goes for everyone on this planet.

Keep your light shining, and I'll do the same!

Namaste,

Ken

A Thankful Heart

I wasn't going to write today, but I think the message is important enough to write whether I feel like it or not. I usually don't write unless I feel 'inspired' - that is, when I feel like I have a clear message or idea of what I want to write about. I kinda do but kinda don't, so we'll see where this goes.

Thanksgiving used to be is still my favorite holiday. I'm not all that excited about it today, and I think it's because I'm finally integrating a belief that I've had most of my adult life about holidays, and it is this - that it's a good thing to be grateful year round (to hold the spirit of thanksgiving every day). For instance, I can celebrate my being born into this life every day that I'm alive. I can experience the joy of giving every day, and not confine it to Christmas. I celebrate freedom and independence every day, not just on July 4th, and I can celebrate my relationship with the Divine every moment, not just at Easter. 

That being said, or written, as it were, my personal understanding of gratitude is being able to recognize the gifts I've been given and feeling joy for the abundant life I experience today. This attitude is a turnaround from the way I used to feel. I used to feel shortchanged by life, to put it simply. I no longer feel that way (most of the time). I like my life today. I love my life. 

The best part is is that I understand it's not the things in my life that make it great, it's the people and the ways in which I give. I've always been blessed with good people in my life, whether I've been a total shithead or an angel. I'm not so much of a shithead anymore, so I have more good people in my life. I have gifts today that I've always had, but I'm learning each day how to share those with the people around me. I have a little bit better understanding today of how life works, which allows me more peace of mind. I have a lot less fear today and a lot more faith that the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I have the knowing that everything I need materially for this day already exists. I'm grateful for the increased ability to make better choices for myself - that's a big one right there. I'm not so inclined as I used to be to screw myself.

I have two conditions for which I am grateful - major depressive disorder and alcoholism. Those are the names given to my condition, but, boiled down, it amounts to a near inability to appreciate and enjoy life from the inside out. I think I'm empty inside, so I look to things outside of myself to fill that emptiness. It's a very self-destructive condition. The good news is that the treatment for this condition is discovering the Truth about me (and about you, I believe) - that I'm not empty at all, and I really do have everything I need inside of me to live life. The blueprint and the power is there. So every day for me is a treasure hunt - I look for what I think I don't have, and when I find it I give it away. And in so doing, I get more.

That's the reason I'm so grateful for the people in my life. If it weren't for others sharing with me and encouraging me, I would not be here.

There is a Universal Law that whatever we focus on increases. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, or if we focus on it with joy or with hatred. Gratitude is the skillful use of this law. When I am thankful for the things and thoughts and actions that bring me joy, I get more. The more grateful I am, the more I have for which to be grateful. I'm not going to write a book about that, because it really is that simple.

So, for my 2 or 3 readers today, my desire for you is that you have a thoroughly enjoyable day that brings you warmth and peace in your heart, and that you know deep down what a truly wonderful being you are.

Namaste,

Ken