A Time For Sadness

To varying degrees, I have experienced what is known as Seasonal Affective Disorder my entire life. There are those of us whose moods can be negatively affected by the decreasing amount of daylight during the late autumn and winter months. I've described it recently as "when the sun goes down, my mood goes with it." The effects of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) are much the same as depression. My symptoms have shown up as wanting to hibernate (sleep all the time until this god-awful season is over), lack of interest in anything, and cravings for carbohydrates and caffeine. 

On the Summer Solstice of each year (June 21st in the Northern Hemisphere) the Earth's tilt is at its most extreme, and those of us in the Northern Hemisphere will experience the most amount of available sunlight. In Cedarburg, WI, where I used to live, June 21st has about 15 hours and 24 minutes of daylight, and in Prescott, AZ, my current city, we experience 14 hours and 28 minutes of daylight. Compare that to the Winter Solstice, (December 21st in the Northern Hemisphere), when the Earth's wobble is at its other extreme - Cedarburg will experience a paltry 8 hours and 58 minutes of daylight, while Prescott will have 9 hours and 15 minutes of daylight. (In the Southern Hemisphere, they experience the opposite. Right now it's Spring down under, and they are approaching Summer). So between June 21st and December 21st, I'll have lost 5.25 hours of daylight! It sucks, and it's patently unfair. It's like watching your cookie jar go down, but you know you're not eating all those cookies! I'm getting robbed!

So tack SAD on top of Major Depressive Disorder, which I experienced for many years, and this time of year can be a very miserable time of year. 

Because I have not experienced much major depression this year, the SAD was very noticeable when it began, which was about a month ago. A couple of other factors in noticing the onset of SAD are that I no longer take prescription medication to treat depression, so my moods aren't squelched, and I've been learning to feel my emotions again. 

In both addiction recovery and mental health recovery, negative mood states can be very disconcerting, as they can be a signal that one is back on the road to relapse. I never learned, in sobriety or otherwise, how to experience my emotions in a healthy way. And those of us who have experienced long term depression know the feeling of "I've always felt this way and I'm always going to feel this way" when we're in a depressed state. Hope can be lost, and relapse can easily happen, because we just want to change the way we feel. I by now have acquired and practiced a lot of healthy ways to deal with the way I feel, but trust me that my brain still remembers the most efficient and effective way to change my mood (and forgets the horrible consequences). So, at least in early recovery, it takes a lot of effort and support to avoid the quick, unhealthy fixes while practicing the stuff that actually heals in the long run.

And there are simple practices that help alleviate the symptoms of depression. For me, it starts with doing those things that I don't feel like doing - getting up in the morning, no matter how much I feel like staying in bed, exercising, avoiding 'quick-fix' substances like sugar, carbs, and caffeine, getting outside and facing the day, going to work and being more pleasant than I'm feeling, practicing gratitude, and continuing to connect with others when I'd really rather not.

But the absolutely best thing I have ever done to not only alleviate the symptoms of negative mood states but perhaps start to actually heal them is consistently practice meditation. 

Of all the good things we can do for ourselves, meditation can be perhaps the most difficult to practice because the effects of meditation are so subtle. One doesn't sit quietly for 20 minutes and develop a whole new attitude toward life. However, a consistent meditation practice has taught me how to not identify so closely with what I am feeling and thinking as well as allowed me to learn how to sit with my discomfort without having to react to it.

There are two very simple concepts here and if you understand and experience them deeply, you can stop reading.

• I am not my thoughts and feelings, and
• Everything, even thoughts and moods, are impermanent, and if I truly embrace and accept what I'm thinking and feeling, instead of fighting it, I can let it go.

I work with a couple of men who experience bipolar disorder. I suggest a lot of things, but the one 'commandment' I give is DO NOT say, "I am bipolar." Very few people, if any, are mentally ill 24/7. Nobody is anything 24/7, except perhaps our gender and our skin color, but we've seen that even that can change. Upon examination, I've found that I show up each day in many different ways. I don't say 'I am an alcoholic' because I haven't shown up under the influence of alcohol anywhere or anytime for over a year (and yes, I do recall every day that drinking alcohol is not a very good thing for me). On those occasions when I feel depressed, I do not say 'I am depressed.' A better way of stating my condition would be 'I feel depressed.' An even better way is to say, 'there is depression,' or 'there is sadness' or 'there is (whatever is going on at the moment)' because whatever I'm experiencing is going to change, if I allow it to change. Disorders are a very real thing - until they're not. Conditions are a very real thing - until they change.

I noticed an attitudinal shift this year when I began experiencing symptoms of SAD. My previous experience upon experiencing a symptom of depression (and a lot of other stuff) has been to become disappointed with myself for the way I am feeling. I would identify with what I was feeling so closely that I would think that I am less-than or defective because of the way I was feeling. Ask anybody in early recovery what they feel the first time they get a craving for their substance of choice, and they'll tell you guilt and shame. "How can I feel this way after all the damage my drug has done to me and others?" Well, how can you not feel that way after you've trained your brain to equate using drugs with survival? Cravings are natural, and they don't mean a person in recovery is bad. 

In my case (and many others, I'm sure), depression fed depression. "Why am I depressed when I hate being depressed? There must be something intrinsically wrong with me (I'm defective)." This year, I was able to notice a symptom ("I really do not want to get out of bed at all"), acknowledge it as a symptom, accept that I was feeling it, and do what I needed to do (get out of bed and start my day) anyway. It is harder to do when I'm having symptoms, but not impossible. I relate it to experiencing allergies now. I'm allergic to some stuff where I live, and the occasional sneezing and congestion are a bit irritating, and something I'd rather not experience, but they don't keep me from living my life, and the symptoms aren't permanent and constant; they're occasional. The SAD symptoms I experience aren't constant; they occur at different times of the day, and don't affect my whole day. Moreover, I no longer have the thinking that the way I'm feeling is permanent, because I know it's not. Unpleasant and uncomfortable, yes, but there's a lot about this human existence that's uncomfortable.

And then there's the sadness! I've mentioned in previous posts that I've really worked on developing genuine connections with others over the past year, and a big part of connecting with others is learning to feel again, and one of the things I feel is sadness, often because things change. Recently 3 of my friends have moved or are moving away. There is sadness about that - it's a loss. And sadness is one of the symptoms of SAD. Today I acknowledge my sadness, and I give myself time and space to experience it, and then to let it go. I regularly take long walks, and this is an excellent time to embrace the sadness and to let it go. I can cry on these walks, and crying is extremely beneficial. Crying is cleansing, and I know that when I cry, I'm not only dealing with the current situation, I'm also dealing with every other thing that I've experienced that I should have cried about but didn't. I have a very good friend who will shortly be moving literally halfway across the world, and that's very, very sad for me because I may never ever see them again. But I wouldn't be sad if I didn't love this person and their qualities - their courage, and zest for living, and good energy, and adventuresome spirit, and confidence. So yes, I'll miss them, but more importantly, I have had the joyful experience of being their friend, and I wouldn't miss that for the world. As I've mentioned before, one constant that I seem to experience is that the best people walk into my life, and that's something I hope never changes. If I didn't allow myself to embrace and experience the feeling of sadness when someone moves on, I would probably avoid allowing shining stars and angels into my life, and I do not want to do that. Y'all give me such hope and joy and inspiration.

Anyway, my point is that it's been my experience that my feelings won't kill me, unless I hang onto them and/or try to medicate them away - then they could.

Feelings are simply feelings, and they're transient.  

I used to try to avoid or escape the discomfort of this human experience, and in doing so, I caused more suffering in me and others. I am learning on a daily basis that I do have the strength, courage, faith, resilience, wisdom, compassion, and love to not only engage wholly with life but to do it in a way that creates more peace and joy and healing and less suffering, for me and others. The peace of mind and happiness I experience from living heavily outweighs any discomfort I might experience.

May you be filled with lovingkindness, may you be safe and free from suffering, and may you be well.

Namasté,

Ken 

Adventure Road

I took advantage of an opportunity to be of service to a stranger today. A person who was traveling to Chino Valley got 'stuck' in our store parking lot overnight because they were driving with an invalid driver's license, and the Prescott police instructed them to park and not drive anymore. They were hauling a trailer full of goats to auction today, and came into our store this morning to see if someone could drive their truck for them. I had started work at 5 this morning and had completed my tasks around 7, about the time this person was asking for some kind of assistance. They were talking to the manager at work who has given me so much assistance and support over the past two years, and the manager (my friend) asked me if I would be willing to drive this person and their cargo to Chino Valley to the livestock auction. As I had no commitments for the rest of the day, I said I would.

I am so grateful I agreed to help this person out. It was an adventure for me - safely take this stranger and their trailer full of goats to Chino Valley and find my way back to Prescott. I've driven to Chino Valley and back before, but never in a truck with a trailer, and I've never been out to the auction. It's been about 34 years since I've towed a trailer, and the traffic between Prescott and Chino Valley is never good in the daytime. The trip is only about 15 miles, but there are a million stoplights and several traffic circles to navigate along the way. And today we came upon a bad accident, which led us to take a detour. 

The person whom I was assisting was pleasant and grateful. They seemed elderly and frail, and I wondered about their ability to complete their journey even with a valid driver's license. My companion told me the past month has been hard for them, and this trip to the auction was important for them. It seems that determination is a characteristic of many people around these parts, and it goes a long way. They had not been out to this auction, so we relied upon my GPS to guide us. The last two miles were on an unpaved, washboard road, and the going there was very rough and slow!

We found the auction place. Today was the first time I was at a livestock auction, so I had no idea what the procedures were. This auction place is operated by people of Mexican descent, and that made me feel very comfortable, as I've usually found Mexicans to be very courteous and more than helpful. We were instructed to back the truck/trailer up to the corral gate in order to tag and unload the goats. I asked my companion to back the trailer up, as I was sure they could do a better job than I; however, they seemed to be having a lot of difficulty maneuvering, so I asked one of the auction folk to take over. One did, and got things lined up well. They tagged the goats while my companion filled out the paperwork. I stood around and watched, which I usually do quite well. 

We left the goats and the trailer at the auction site, and I drove us back to Chino Valley proper - to our sister store. My companion was going to take care of some business and try to find a driver to take them home to Kingman after the auction. I set out to find a way back to Prescott. 

There is a regional bus service in Yavapai County, and currently it is free. I was planning to take the bus back to Prescott, but I missed the first opportunity. I called a few cab companies, and one got back to me and was able to pick me up. While waiting for the cab, I met a person who needed to get to Prescott for a mental health appointment at the outfit I worked briefly at last year. This person had no money, and I offered to share the cab with them (which made the large cab fare seem more palatable to me). This person was about my age, and, like me, had suffered much over their lifetime from poor mental health. They were currently in an unhoused condition, and facing the prospect of moving into a group home, which wasn't very attractive to them. I understood. They were very grateful to be able to make it to their appointment on time and hopefully get the assistance they need.

I am very grateful for all that transpired today. I am grateful that I got to be of service to two strangers today. I am grateful that I am fit to be of service - sober, reasonably sane, and legal to drive. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to throw caution to the wind today - I took the opportunity to get outside my 'safe' zone in a skillful way. My safe zone is comfortable, but it's not a place where growth and fulfillment occur, and eventually, my safe zone becomes untenable, and I feel myself desiring to break out of it in unskillful ways.

And lately I've been desiring some hard evidence that we really do live in a loving, supportive Universe, and today I got it. I am grateful. 

Namasté,

Ken

One Year

Today marks one year without using alcohol. I don't do well at celebrating sobriety anniversaries; I've had many one-year sobriety anniversaries, and, at this point in life, abstaining from alcohol is not the most challenging accomplishment for me today. To be honest, I celebrate my time away from alcohol for these reasons: it's the only quantifiable thing about my recovery, others in recovery seem to enjoy it, and it gives hope to newcomers in recovery.

After some contemplation this morning, I was able to wrap my head around the concept of noting a milestone in recovery, just like I noted the milestone of my 60th birthday a few months ago - something that probably would not have happened if I had not been in recovery. I use milestones when I bicycle. Some of the trails I use have mile markers, and when I meet them it's always nice to know that I have the strength and energy, skill, and good fortune to have made it another mile. I might stop and rest for a moment at a mile marker, drink some water, eat a banana, perhaps even take a picture. But I don't stay there too long - I'm back on the path pretty quickly, continuing my journey. And while the accomplishment of the last mile feels good, especially if it's been uphill, it's no guarantor that I'll be able to complete the next mile. It's one pedal at a time, and we'll see what happens.

For me, the real accomplishment of the past year is that I abstained from giving up. I didn't give up on life, on recovery - I didn't give up on myself. Oh, I had plenty of excuses - I'm too old, I'm too mentally ill, I'm too damaged, I'm too tired, I've suffered too many disappointments. But I gave it another shot, and if there's any nobility in that, then I'm noble. 

I am grateful that I don't have a much of a desire to drink or use again. Cravings for the substance are something that many people who are in their first attempt at recovery find troublesome. What I do share with those who are truly attempting recovery and new at it are feelings of guilt, shame, doom, and major lack of confidence in my ability to sustain recovery over the long haul.

So the major accomplishment of the past year is that I have said "yes!" to life and to the daily challenges of overcoming the self-destructive thinking that has plagued me and caused me and others so much suffering. And I finally surrendered to the fact that I cannot do this alone - that I must let others into my life, and not just at a surface level. I must be willing to let people I trust see me at my darkest and dirtiest - when I feel the worst about myself. It's a challenge to establish and foster connections with others in recovery, but it hasn't been as bad and scary as I thought it would be, and I am the better for it.

I think one of the major surprises from the past year, and one by which I am truly humbled, is that I am able to offer real hope and support to others desiring recovery. This discovery has been one of the things that has sustained me through the inevitable low points. My feelings of self-worth and self-esteem (which are essential to my recovery) are only gradually improving; yet there is a preponderance of evidence that says my experience, strength, & hope - in other words, my recovery and my life - are valuable to others. There is evidence that I am looked up to and respected in some parts of the recovery community, as well as in other places. So when it feels to me as if my life has no value, that I have no purpose on Earth aside from creating carbon dioxide, I am able to look at the evidence, and show up for life anyway until the feeling passes. I don't have to be perfect to be valued, maybe even loved, by other human beings. This is truly a new concept to me.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention how important mindfulness meditation is to my recovery. It's essential. The practice has given me a degree of separation between me and my thinking, which I've never really had before. This means that I no longer have to identify with what my head is telling me. I recognize that there is probably a different reality than is what is going on in my mind. In this way, I am able to take action to let go of thinking and feeling and moods which no longer serve my best interest. As I mentioned, this is a practice, so I'm not perfect at it, but I'm a far cry from where I used to be. I no longer feel compelled to create my own suffering.

Lastly, I must mention all of the angels I have in my life, both in person and on social media (which I have learned to use wisely and skillfully). All of you who are trying to live your best life, and share that with me, either actively or passively, are angels. I cannot doubt the goodness of the Universe which I see manifest every day in the people who cross my path, and I am most grateful. Thank you for being you!

So my heart is filled with gratitude today for the life I have today.

Thank you, and namasté,

Ken

 

Dark Gratitude

Netflix, in its infinite, Netflixian wisdom, decided to produce a series about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer from Milwaukee. This has come to my attention only because some of my housemates have decided that this is fine viewing material. Every time it comes on, I wisely leave. This is the 30th anniversary of Dahmer's trial, and, unfortunately, I and thousands of other Milwaukeeans were treated to front row seats to that spectacle through the efforts of WISN radio. I do not remember how long the trial lasted - two weeks, I think - but I do remember listening to it on the radio every day at work. I was not drinking at the time, but I remember smoking 2 packs of cigarettes each day (more affordable back then, and we could smoke at work) and feeling absolutely miserable at the end of each day. Go figure! 

Fortunately, this post is not about that. This post is about the way I've been feeling and the way I've been dealing with my feelings on the eve of my latest 1 year sobriety anniversary. As you might have already surmised from reading between the lines, I'm not in a 'happy' spot. I am, however, in a good spot; well, at least a better spot than I was a year ago, and certainly in a wiser and more skillful spot.

It was somewhat surprising to me that the reappearance of Jeffrey Dahmer affected me as it has - it's brought up very unpleasant memories and feelings, and it's triggering effect and my revulsion to the Netflix series makes me wonder if I somehow traumatized myself 30 years ago by letting myself be privy to all of that crap on a daily basis for a few weeks. You see, I'm not the sharpest tool in my pappy's shed, but I do recognize today that over the years I allowed myself to get into and stay in situations that were not at all beneficial to my well-being.

This is one of the things that I'm grateful for, and I call it Dark Gratitude because it comes from a place of suffering. It's not the kind of gratitude I hear from my geriatric customers, who, when I ask how they are today, say, "I'm just grateful I woke up today!" or some such stuff that I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's not the kind of gratitude that ignores the true suffering that exists; Dark Gratitude is the kind of gratitude we get from experiencing deep suffering and coming through the other side. Those of us who have been there know why we're grateful today, and I'm grateful to be grateful today. It's a gift, but it's not one to be shared with your ordinary average citizen; it's to be shared with others who have 'been there'.

We had a really severe thunderstorm here today, with high winds, and lots of rain and hail. It was a bit scary, and I was grateful to be in a safe environment throughout. Part of my gratitude comes from having survived the extremes of nature when I did not have shelter. From that gratitude comes compassion for those who are currently feeling not so safe in their current environments, and there are many. I am grateful today that I can even think of others who may not be safe; there have been times when my focus was so narrow that all I could see or feel was my own discomfort.

Dark Gratitude, for me, is being able to see my current difficulties (which are all still internal), and not feeling overwhelmed any more. As I continue on my healing journey, I become more aware that my bright and healthy future is made from the stuff that I am letting go of today. It's still hard to let go of that which no longer serves me, such as expectations and clinging attachments, but the task is made easier by knowing that I am growing into a better version of myself by doing so. I'm also grateful that today I have a realistic vision of a better version of myself. That person did not exist until very recently.

Dark Gratitude is the sadness and fear I feel when someone close to me is struggling with their health. A person came into my life some years ago as a client of mine, and that person was struggling with all of the issues that come from being unable to quit drinking. That person has been in recovery since I've met them, and they are as fine an example of recovery as you'd ever want to see. But, like all of us at one time or another, this person is struggling with some health issues, and I feel sad. My Dark Gratitude is that I can actually feel for another person's struggles, and that I have this person in my life that I can feel for and care about. Dark Gratitude is bittersweet. And today I have a lot of gratitude for the really, really remarkable people who grace my consciousness and my life. I am so blessed. The dark, or maybe humble, part of this gratitude is knowing that every one of them is a gift that I do not deserve.

I can go on and on, and I'm grateful for that as well! One of the things about scratching the surface of gratitude is that I keep finding more and more to be grateful about. And as I write this, I think that perhaps what I call Dark Gratitude could also be called Realistic Gratitude, or Deep Gratitude, or even Radical Gratitude. But I'm going to leave the title as it is, because it reminds me that even when I feel dark, as I kind of do now, (but lighter than when I started), that I still have a lot for which to be grateful.

I am truly grateful for your reading this far. Please know that you are an important part of my life, and that my wish for you is that you experience safety and wellness and freedom from suffering.

Namasté,

Ken

Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson Two: A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed

 A year ago at this time I was in relapse. The basic reason I was in relapse was that I was not talking about situations at my new job that were triggering my belief that I am a fake and a failure. When I was in the hospital in Oro Valley last October, I came to the realization that my response to the situation I was in was way out of line with what was actually happening - I was delusional and my behavior was irrational. A good dose of healthy realization is painful but can also be incredibly beneficial to healing. 

I have been realizing lately that at my current job my habit of withholding my concerns has not served me very well at all. My pretending that everything is fine with me regarding work caused me physical pain and illness as well as emotional stress and anguish. Since I had my hernia surgery, moved to the front end of the store (checking) and made the decision to not return to dairy, my physical pain and anxiety surrounding work have virtually disappeared. It was really hard for me to ask for time off for surgery, and then to ask to not return to dairy. The response to my requests from my superiors has been nothing but positive and supportive, which is exactly the opposite of what my beliefs told me would happen. My beliefs told me that the response would be, literally, "If you can't do your f#*king job then just gtfo you useless piece of shit. You've got nothing coming." That kind of thinking can cause a bit of anxiety.

Fortunately, over the past year I have been working on supporting the new belief that I am a valuable employee (and person) and that I have a lot to contribute to any organization with which I am affiliated - and it's not just wishful thinking - I have evidence to back this belief up. Unfortunately, exchanging old ideas that no longer serve me with new ones that work better is not as easy as just unplugging a module from my brain and replacing it with a new improved version. There is a period of time in which both beliefs seem to be operative at the same time, and this naturally causes mental and emotional stress and discomfort. However, being mindful about this process makes the stress and discomfort bearable; it's like going to the dentist - we know that it'll be an uncomfortable, if not downright painful, experience, but we also know that it's necessary and that we'll be better off in the long run.

Yesterday I came to work and discovered that I had been scheduled to work 2 days this week for a total of 13.75 hours, which is way below what I'm usually scheduled and totally inadequate to sustain my standard of living. I looked at that and the very first thought that crossed my mind was, "They're trying to get rid of me." This idea actually has some basis in fact, as retail and other service industries will use this tactic to get rid of an employee without having to actually fire them - just decrease their schedule so they can't possibly live on what they're making. Fortunately I'm healthy enough nowadays to know that there are other plausible explanations.  I didn't immediately go into "I'm screwed" mode, and I considered what to do about this situation throughout my shift last night, and then some more this morning.

Because of my recent health issues (which are now resolved), I don't have any savings. Seeing the schedule triggered somewhat of a panic response in me, and I had to use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills as well as my spiritual practice to quell the panic. I was able to recognize that although my sense of security was threatened, my safety is not threatened. This is important - our subconscious' sole purpose in life is to keep us alive (which, by the way, is something at which it will ultimately fail). The subconscious thinks "Danger! Danger! Your source of survival (the job) has just disappeared! Panic!" I had to reassure my subconscious that I was in no immediate danger of going hungry or becoming homeless - in other words, my safe environment is still intact. My sense of security, on the other hand, was definitely dinged. But that's ok - security is not really a quantifiable state. A sense of security is really a false sort of thing that we carry around to make us feel better in a life filled with impermanence. But I'm safe - that's a fact.

Next, I had to twist my thinking around to see this as an opportunity. I have been wanting more time for spiritual and social development, as well as vocational development. I want to do something to earn a living that is more in line with my gifts and talents, and that takes time and energy. My decreased work schedule opened up both time and energy for me to consider and pursue my next vocation.

So the important thing here is that I was able to take myself out of crisis mode. However, there's more to be done to move out of a state of confusion about what's going on - I needed to talk to some people to become more aware of what's really happening, and in which direction I might head. 

I went to the store this morning to talk with the grocery manager, who is second in command at my store. He's not the one who wrote the schedule, which is good because I can come to him without having an attitude of "why did you do this to me?" I also had time to set the intention of how I'm going to show up in this conversation: I want to let him know what is going on and what my concerns are in a direct, matter of fact way. I needed to show up as calm and rational. So I let him know what was going on, and that one of the days for which I had been scheduled was my only 'unavailable' day, and that the schedule was not going to work for me. I told him that I was not going to show up for the shift scheduled on my unavailable day (which happens to be tomorrow). He told me he would see what he could do about the situation, and I went on my way.

I had no faith that anything would be done - my concern leaving the office was about how I would productively use all the free time I was looking forward to this week.

A couple hours later I received a call from the store giving me my new schedule for the week - I had 3 shifts added to the days I am available. I was not expecting this! And I still have enough of my own time to move forward in developing a new work situation for myself that allows me more control over what I'm doing and when I'm doing it, as well as how much I make while doing it. 

So here's the upshot - a major issue had presented itself to me, and I did what was indicated in a wise and skillful way. I took actions that, while challenging for me, prevented a crisis and alleviated my concern. I talked to people who could help me about what was going on so that I could move forward without causing undue suffering in mine or anyone else's life (although I don't know where they were able to come up with hours for me to work - not my problem).

This might seem like basic adulting to a lot of y'all, but for me it represents a major accomplishment in learning how to navigate life without falling back into self-destructive patterns. My actions today give me hope and confidence that I can and will continue to learn to navigate this life successfully. And a big part of what make this so enjoyable for me is that I will be able to share this success with others who may struggle when seeming obstacles appear in their lives. There is, I am finding, much joy in embracing challenges in life rather than finding ways to avoid and escape.

I appreciate being able to share my journey with you, and I hope I inspire you to share your journey with others - that's what it's all about.

Namasté,

Ken

Being Supportive

Or "What to do when someone you care for is acting the fool."

As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, over the past 11 months, I have been endeavoring to cultivate real connections with others.  I had believed previously that I really did not need to let people get close to me, or to allow myself to get close to others, in order to get well and live a healthy life. Keeping a reasonable distance from others is the plan for a wounded self that wants to protect me from further hurt. Keeping the shields up seems like a good way to stay safe; perhaps it is, but it isn't a very good way to live fully. One of the weird aspects of being human (and trust me, there are many weird aspects) is that in order to live fully, we must risk. We must risk hurt, disappointment, failure, suffering. That sounds strange, but I know from experience that not taking risks, avoiding what my protecting mind tells me is unsafe, creates hurt, disappointment, failure, and suffering. And when I take no risks, there's no upside. When I do take risks - when I allow myself to become vulnerable with other human beings, I then allow for the possibility to experience love - both giving and receiving. A human being might be able to survive without love, but I have come to believe that a human being cannot truly thrive without the capacity to love and to be loved.

So the decision to allow myself to become vulnerable and to make true connections with others was not an easy decision for me. It wasn't a matter of simply switching lanes and doing things differently, like adopting a different style of dress or learning a new language. It's more like dropping the armor and going into the battle naked and unarmed. I knew it was going to get messy, but I also knew that I had to do it or else die a lonely, miserable failure of a human being. I had to give living (loving) one more shot.

I have a friend that I care about and love. My friend has been making some very unwise choices lately that endanger not only their happiness, but their life. It hurts to see this. It hurts to see someone I deeply care about make very short-sighted decisions apparently to avoid the pain that comes with growing up. It hurts to see this person turn from every truly supportive person in their life. It hurts to know that I can't do anything about their situation that would be wise and skillful, other than to remain ready to pick up the pieces, if, hopefully, there are any pieces left to pick up.

I really wanted to rage. I wanted to have the opportunity to say, or scream, "Wtf do you think you're doing? What is wrong with you?" I am grateful that today I possess the wisdom to know that approaching someone in this manner will only push the person deeper into their self-destructive delusions. I know that this person is only doing what they think they need to do in order to protect themselves. I know that this person does not think they are hurting anybody else. How do I know this? Because I've been there.

Throughout my active addiction and mental illness, I made many, many unwise choices that I thought did not harm anybody else but myself. Delusion is a symptom that comes with addiction and mental illness. I realized, after I started caring about people, that although my unwise choices and actions might not have physically hurt those who cared about me, they nonetheless hurt my family and loved ones. I had turned off my capacity for caring, love, empathy, and compassion. Those aspects of myself only got in the way of me getting what I thought I desperately needed. When I flipped those switches back on, I found out that it hurts to love someone who is hurting themselves.

And I can't maintain any kind of anger against my friend. They are not doing this to hurt me, even though it hurts to not have their healthy friendship. They are quite unaware of all of the consequences of their choices.

So there is sadness, and the desire to fix something that I can't fix. But what can I do?

I can be supportive. How? By practicing understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, metta, and unconditional love. Understanding that this person is being driven by forces, both inner and outer, that they are unable to recognize or handle. Right now, they truly are a victim. Understanding that whatever this person is doing, they are not doing it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and understanding that I own my own feelings about the situation. Compassion and empathy come from taking an honest appraisal of my own experience and situation. I have been where this person is and made many, many more unwise choices, through my own delusions, than this person has yet had a chance to make. Compassion also comes from a deep knowing that I could be exactly where they're at in a very short time. I am not immune from relapse. Forgiveness comes from compassion and understanding, but also from the sure knowledge that I can be of no real help to them, myself, or anybody else while holding a grudge. Grudges keep my hands too full to do anything useful. Forgiveness is simply giving love to a situation, and love is the only thing that truly heals. Metta, or prayer, is practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to that person. It doesn't necessarily change their outcome, but it keeps my mind in a hopeful and faithful position toward this person. And unconditional love is simply knowing who that person really is beneath all the self-destructive behavior - knowing that underneath everything is a precious soul going through an extremely difficult life experience. And unconditional love says I'll be there in person to support this person back to health, if given the opportunity.

Please note that being supportive does not mean doing anything that would compromise my integrity or my own mental or physical well-being. I used to try to rescue (fix) people from time to time. I now know the folly in that endeavor, and that support and rescue are not the same thing.

One might ask, "Ken, does this experience make you want to reconsider your decision to really connect with others, especially those who live with addiction and or mental health issues?" and the answer, surprisingly, is "No." I am still dedicated to developing real connections with others. What I have experienced so far since my decision has been more real peace, belonging, happiness and joy than I have ever experienced previously. I am becoming more and more convinced that the only worthwhile endeavor in life is to know my connection with life through learning how I can be of maximum loving service to others.

I want to end with this: I am still selfish af, only today I practice putting my recovery first rather than me first. It's now 11:45 pm, and if I hadn't sat down to write and process all this through writing, I would have been laying in bed thinking about it, and the thoughts would not have been productive. Over the past few years, I have been able to let go of a ton of suffering that I had been carrying for a really long time, and today I have no desire to pick it up again or create new suffering in my life (or anyone else's!). So there ya have it.

Namasté,

Ken  

Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson One: Isolated Incidents

Since I'm off work for the next 10 days (at least), I plan on using part of the time off to daily write in my blog. I am fortunate to be in a position at my job to learn wonderful lessons about how my mind works (and doesn't, sometimes) as well as strategies to flow through each day more effectively and with more peace and happiness. So I'm going to share some important things I've learned/am learning along the way at work.

Isolated Incidents 

Through practicing the 2nd and 4th foundations of Wise Mindfulness, I have begun to become skillful in noticing situations in which my mind, my thinking, can cause me suffering. The 2nd foundation of Wise Mindfulness is paying attention to feeling tones, or "noticing the emotional tone - pleasure or displeasure - that comes with every sensation, even when the sensation is a thought [emphasis added]." (Recovery Dharma, p. 45) The 4th foundation of Wise Mindfulness is mindfulness of mental objects: "we begin to simply notice when a thought arises, being aware of it without judgment or evaluation [emphasis added], and allowing it to pass away without holding onto it and without creating a story out of it [emphasis added]." (RD p. 46) Having a consistent meditation practice gives me the insight and power to actually notice when single thoughts arise and be able to let them go. How well I do it depends upon my intention and my mood.

So, at work, a lot of stuff happens. It's bound to happen - we sell thousands of products to hundreds of customers every day. For months and months I thought there was a chance that I could get ahead of the game, at least in my own little arena. I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed or at least anxious and frustrated. And when something would happen, like a spill to clean up, or something ordered didn't show up, or yesterday's work still needs to be done today - when something happened, it often fed the sick-but-not-yet-dead belief that it happened because I'm a bad person, and this would color, in a negative way, my thoughts and feelings toward myself and toward my job. 

I recently began treating, in my mindful mind, a lot of the stuff that would happen as isolated incidents. If there was a spill to clean up, I began focusing on thoughts about cleaning up the spill, and let go of the thoughts that were blaming, the thoughts about inconsiderate people, the thoughts about poor packaging design - all the stories I'd tell myself about why this event happened. The thoughts and feelings surrounding my stories in my head are negative and cause unhappiness. The thoughts and feelings surrounding simply doing what is mine to do (clean up a mess in my department) are neutral to positive thoughts and feelings. It's a really simple concept that took me years and years to get. I can use it anywhere - when I walk in the bathroom at home, and discover someone else used all the toilet paper and did not replace it, I can get irritated about irresponsible inconsiderate people with whom I'm living, which only serves to make me unhappy, or I can do what I need to do to take care of my own business, and leave feeling neutral or even happy. That's really letting s#&! go!

Now the fact of the matter is that these really aren't isolated incidents. Everything that happens has something behind it - the spill on the floor, the absent roll of toilet paper - but it's still just an incident. Very often, there is little to nothing I can do about the causes of any incident that occurs in my life. It's not necessarily random stuff happening, but it's not necessarily my stuff either. It's just stuff. What is important is my response to the stuff. And I am learning to apply what I know so that stuff that happens to me and around me doesn't give me cause to feel not good enough, less than, or deserving of shit. I am learning to remove the substance, the story-telling, the so-called evidence, that fuels beliefs that no longer serve me. I am learning to no longer feed these beliefs with a storyline that validates their existence.

I had really come to hate my job, which in turn fueled  abdominal issues. Through doing this practice, I recognize that there are parts of my job that I like, and parts that I really don't like at all. There are parts of my job that I really have no desire to deal with anymore - I am beginning to believe I can use my gifts, talents, and time in another pursuit that will put me in a position to be a more effective human being. Which is a much better way of saying, "F^#$ this place, I'm outta here!" The truth is that in any endeavor, I'll find aspects that I like and aspects that I don't like. In my present job, I am valued, and I am of service, and I am good at a number of tasks that are mine to do; however, after practicing this exercise enough, I recognize that these isolated incidents are not something I want to experience as much of (or at all) in my work life, so I'm currently keeping my eye open for opportunities to utilize my gifts and experience in a more skillful and effective way.

Thank you for reading. The next lesson will be My Best Is Good Enough!

Namasté,

Ken

Infinite Possibility

One of the foundations of my recovery from alcoholism/addiction and major depression is the belief that things can get better, and it must be a sustainable belief – a belief that can stand against the winds of chaos and disorder that come and go throughout life. Whether I’ve been in recovery or out of recovery, alcoholism and depression have been the dominant factors running my life. In early recovery, I needed the hope that ‘things’ could get better, and they did – but the hope I received in early recovery was not sustainable when I began to again experience the natural ups and downs of life. Simply being alcohol/drug free and relatively depression free at times did not suddenly give me the qualities of resilience, persistence, and wisdom; in other words, brief respites from my illness did not give me the ability to handle that which I never knew how to adequately handle before. I needed more – a lot more. I hope to share through the next few paragraphs how glimmers of hope in my life evolved into some faith, then belief, and then into a deep knowing – a deep knowing that not only is recovery very possible, but also that life is good, I have a place in this life, and that the Universe supports not only my journey in recovery, but my journey to my highest good. Might be a bit much for just a few paragraphs, but we’ll give it a try and see what happens.

My life has been all about alcoholism and mental illness. I have started and stopped recovery more times than I can probably remember. But there have been positive constants throughout as well, and the two major ones are hope and good people. There have always been angels who have shown up to guide me back to a place of hopefulness, where I could get back on the path toward wellness. Sometimes my angels wore badges and sidearms; often they wore stethoscopes and scrubs; but most just wore plain clothes and caring hearts. In early recovery, we look to people and things outside ourselves to help or make ourselves get better. That’s a good start, but today I believe that eventually I must find my recovery from within, if I am going to reside permanently in recovery. The thing that held me back for so many years was the fear of looking within. I knew that I could not bear to take a good honest look at the ugliness and darkness that was within me. I knew that examining my insides would overwhelm me and kill me. Hope is a nice thing, a great thing sometimes, but it was never big enough or strong enough to break through that wall.

My hope had to turn into faith – some sort of faith that somebody or something could help me. I developed a faith in institutions, such as the mental health industry and mutual aid recovery organizations. I also developed a spiritual faith, and my mainline for that was through New Thought Christianity organizations – specifically Unity and Religious Science/Science of Mind. My involvement with these organizations, and my independent spiritual studies, were helpful in offering me a different, better, more positive outlook on myself, life, and the Universe. However, despite all my involvement over the years with spiritual people and spiritual organizations, I was not able to develop a faith that worked for me in the long run. As I mentioned in my post Life Doesn't Get Any Better, I had (still have!) tons of helpful knowledge and experience that never traversed the 18” distance from my head to my heart. My faith was head-faith – intellectually, I know that we live in a Universe that supports Life. It’s that simple, really. We would not be here if the Universe didn’t support Life. But when that head faith tried to turn into heart faith, it always ran into the wall of existing belief, and could not get over it or through it.

That existing belief was built, as all our existing beliefs are, in childhood through various learning experiences. My existing belief (and please forgive me for beating a thankfully dead horse) was that I was bad, I was defective, I was unlovable, and I wasn’t capable of being even close to good enough and I really didn’t deserve to live. Yes, the conscious part of my brain knew, knows, that that’s all complete bullshit. But the part of me (us) that matters, the part that governs up to 95% of my life choices, my subconscious, did not know that. (This is one of the reasons I’m an over-thinker – my conscious brain has had to race to keep up with my subconscious, and many times it just gave up).

So how was I able to begin breaking down that wall of existing belief, and begin the process of turning my intellectual knowing into a deep knowing that could actually serve me in life?

At the time, I wasn’t really aware of the process, but in retrospect, I see that I did begin to really understand that I’m at the end of the road.  I’m going to die soon, anyway, so what’s the point of protecting that dark ugliness within anymore? And I had the opportunity about two years ago in therapy to experience EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. EMDR is for those of us whose mental health has been adversely affected by traumatic experiences. Now the important part of this for me is I had and still have absolutely no idea how this stuff works – it’s a mystery to me. Every other therapy I’ve experienced I’ve been able to cognitively grasp – at one point or another, it made sense to me. I can’t cognitively explain why EMDR should work – but it did. It began to break through that subconscious, granite wall that was there, and I found myself beginning to be able to actually apply the other tools I had learned over the years to let myself heal. And because it’s still an absolute mystery to me, it began to clear the path from my head down to my heart. I have begun to replace the beliefs with which I started this lifetime with healthy beliefs. This, in turn, has instilled new hope and a stronger faith within me that no longer has to battle daily just to stay alive.

And because I am now beginning to clearly see and know that those initial beliefs – that dark, scary ugliness – is not the truth about me, I have less fear, more courage, and more reason to connect with others in a very real way – I am able to let others in and share the ugliness I see within when I need to. My last relapse gave me the courage to start developing real, honest connections with others. Let me tell you, there is a huge difference in me sharing my most vulnerable parts with loved ones whom I love, care about, and respect than there is with someone whom I pay to listen to me. I risk losing people I truly love and care about when I share those things within that make me want to lose myself. So far, nobody has kicked me to the curb for sharing that I am a less-than-perfect human being. In fact, it seems to me that every step I take toward being real actually draws others closer to me. Who knew?

To be clear, the damage I created in my life, in me, is not totally healed or repaired. Every day I must practice – I must use the tools I’ve learned and accepted in my heart in order to continue to heal. But the good news is that nowadays life is tons easier and more enjoyable than it was when I was struggling to stay ahead of a subconscious that just did not work anymore.

So that’s where Infinite Possibility comes from – if I am possible, and I certainly seem to be, then absolutely anything is possible, including you! When I listen to people telling me their challenges, my human mind wants to find ways to fix them, and often comes up short. Practical suggestions are great, and I openly share all I’ve learned in that regard; but when I listen with my heart and respond with love, support and encouragement, I help open the door for others to find where the answers truly are – inside.

Namasté,

Ken  

 

Recovery and Prescribed Medications

I had my consult today with the surgeon who will be repairing my hernia. I broke the first rule for those in substance use recovery in dealing with medical professionals (prescribers): I did not inform the doctor that I am in recovery from substance use disorder. I did let the nurse who later scheduled the surgery know that I didn't want any narcotic (opiate) prescriptions, but only after she mentioned that a prescription would be sent to my pharmacy to be picked up after surgery. It's not that I wasn't cognizant that this could be an issue; my thinking was that "I can take care of this myself; I don't need to let anyone know" (which breaks the 2nd rule of recovery - we don't do it alone). 

There is a protocol to be followed by those in recovery who have to deal with legitimately taking addictive medication:

• Inform your PCP that you are in recovery and do not want to be prescribed mood-altering or addictive medication unless absolutely necessary;
• Inform any other medical prescriber who may be caring for you;
• If your prescriber insists that you have to take medication which is potentially harmful to you, discuss your options with:
• Your prescriber
• Your sponsor, mentor, or recovery coach
• Your significant other or loved ones
  
• Others in recovery who have gone through similar experiences  
• If, after this, you decide that the medication is necessary for your overall well-being and healing, find someone who cares about your well-being to dispense your medication for you. Accountability is key.

By writing here, I am beginning the process of reversing my errors. I will follow the steps listed above. 

However, let me share my thoughts, feelings, and experience with this:

For my healthy recovery, I need to not only avoid addictive and mood-altering substances - I also need to avoid the behaviors associated with substance use, such as being sneaky and dishonest. Not wanting to tell anyone that I have been (or will be) prescribed dangerous-for-me drugs is sneaky, and some part of me gets some form of gratification from that. Not disclosing the whole truth to my medical care providers is dishonest, and I don't get gratification from that, but dishonesty can still be a go-to for me when I get afraid. It's important for me to be honest with myself about the whole picture.

I have never been physically addicted to opoids; I have, however, misused them, even while supposedly in recovery from alcoholism. It has been my experience that if I misuse any potentially mood-altering medication, I will eventually go back to my drug of choice (alcohol). This has been the experience of many others, as well.

One might ask, "Ken, why can't you just take the medication as prescribed, instead of misusing it?" And the answer is, to be honest, that I am not that far advanced to do so. The idea of getting a little taste of something that I used to get high from is not pleasing to me - it's like taking one drink, for which I have no desire. I've never had a desire for one, and only one, drink, oxycodone, brownie, or several other things. When I see a prescription that says, "Take 1 every 4 hours as needed" I see, "Take 4 every hour, and you need it." I would rather live with physical pain which I know to be temporary (and able to be alleviated with other methods) than the inner anguish of craving. When I was recently going through my intensely painful gastrointestinal issues, I was buying all sorts of over-the-counter stomach remedies, and rarely did I follow the usage instructions. (I also found that by over-medicating myself, without a physician's advice, that I was potentially creating more problems for myself than I was solving. I guess I still have stuff to work on!) So I really do not want to hand my prescription over to someone else and have them dole out the correct dosage for me - it would create more discomfort for me than it might alleviate. 

But this is why we discuss it with others, preferably those who have experience - there are some instances where treating the pain of whatever is going on is necessary for the healing process. In my particular case, I don't think I'll need to take anything more than NSAIDS (Ibuprofen, naproxen, meloxicam, etc) and acetominophen (Tylenol). I learned this from a dentist, who has encountered many patients who need to stay away from opiods - that alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol is effective. My surgery is going to be minimally invasive, I have a high physical pain tolerance, and I have the tool of meditation. I believe I can live with the physical pain and discomfort, but I will discuss it with others.

But why not trust solely upon what the doctor is saying? If you're in recovery from substance use disorder, you know the answer. If not, the answer is that most physicians are given about a day's education on substance use disorder and are unaware of the dangers to certain populations of certain medications. In general, pharmacists know more about pharmacology than physicians do, and are good resources to talk to about alternatives and possible drug interactions. 

Next question: "Why don't you simply resolve to avoid that which gives you trouble (wtf is wrong with you)?" Because by choice, genetics, or fate, I have a disorder which has hijacked the parts of my brain dealing with survival and choice. This is irreversible; I will never be able to drink like a gentleman (nor do I have any desire to do so). Additionally, I have created strong neural pathways (habits) in my brain which can't be eradicated overnight. The human brain creates these neural pathways for our survival - neural pathways are so that we don't have to consciously decide whether or not we're in danger each time we encounter a tiger in the woods. Neural pathways are why I still occasionally reach for my keys to unlock the door to my house even though we have a push-button lock, and I've lived here for 6 months. Neural pathways are great, except when we want or need to change something in our lives.

So yes, I am dead certain that alcohol and other mood-altering drugs are not good for my survival; but my subconscious, which isn't nearly as smart as I am, is not really aware of this. In fact, it still thinks they're probably ok. Yes, it's an aberration; yes, it's like lying down with the tiger even after it's eaten one of my hands and feet. So the freeway to hell still exists in my brain even though I haven't used substances for a while. It takes time, experience, and conscious decision making to let that freeway disappear. I have to experience triggers to use, and consciously tell myself a different story each time. This is why there is so much relapse in addiction, and why it is such a dangerous disorder - knowledge of our condition is not enough. We need to actually expect triggers and consciously re-do our thinking when we encounter them. Today was a trigger. I'm implementing manual override.

That which isn't understandable to people who have not experienced it can be understandable to those who have experienced it and approach it without shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It's called learning to live in the solution, rather than the problem. What can I consciously do today to ensure my survival, because I recognize that my subconscious (automatic thinking) probably won't do it for me. With practice, the process becomes an accepted way of living rather than an onerous burden.

I appreciate you reading this and being part of my recovery!

Namasté,

Ken