I Belong

This is the second in a series of posts about core beliefs I am challenging because they no longer serve me. The first is I Am Valuable. There is at least one more after this, or possibly two.

I belong. Growing up, I often felt as though I did not belong. I just felt like I did not fit in anywhere, including my family. When I was old enough to know what adopted meant, I thought I was. I'm not. I've heard similar reports from others who live with addiction and/or mental illness - they felt like they didn't fit in, they didn't belong, they were different, they were alien. I like the alien idea - that gives me hope that some day I'll be beamed up!

Humans reinforce what we believe. This is why change can be so difficult - our beliefs are like our appendages, and we don't let go of those easily! I reinforced the core belief of I don't belong in part by sabotaging anything good that came into my life - education, jobs, friendships, relationships, marriages, apartments...you name it, I somehow messed it up.

In 2013, when I moved to Waukesha to begin another cycle of recovery, I didn't get the feeling that I belonged there. I was, however, grateful that I was out of the town in which I lived previously. When I began my own business, I began to get the feeling that I belonged. I also liked the feeling that I was supporting myself, which is the opposite of my core belief that I'm unable to support myself. In 2015, my business stopped because my van stopped, and I didn't have the means to get it repaired. This event reinforced strongly the beliefs that I'm useless, I'm not good enough, and I don't belong.

After a miraculously brief relapse, I began treating both my alcoholism and my depression. I began adding recovery meetings that focused on mental health. I began getting into the community of people living with mental health disorders, and I once again started feeling that I belonged. And when I worked for NAMI-Waukesha, I found that I really belonged there - I felt appreciated, liked, and useful. I felt a part of the community of Waukesha as a whole because of my community involvement. After another relapse 3 years later, I was unable to generate the feeling that I do belong. I entered treatment after treatment after treatment. This is the cycle that ended July 17th, 2020, when I got sober for the last time.

In December 2019, I really got the vibe that I didn't belong in Wisconsin anymore, and I clumsily moved to Arizona. When I arrived in Arizona, I still needed help, and I got it. Generating the feeling that I belonged here was hampered by Covid-19 - I was unable to meet a lot of people because recovery meetings and churches closed face-to-face gatherings and went online. It's just not the same. However, I was able to feel like I might belong here due to lack of evidence that I didn't.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, has told me that moving to Arizona was a bad idea (the way I did it was very unskillful). I'm receiving state insurance and nutrition assistance. Nobody has told me that I'm a drain on the system; everybody I've met having to do with the assistance I'm receiving has been most helpful. (Because I'm making Arizona my home, I have a desire to in some way pay back what they've given me). I am surprised that I've not run into one person that told me I should get the heck out of Arizona. So I am building the belief that I do belong where I'm at due to lack of evidence that I don't belong. I've recently started working a real tax-paying job, and I've recently found another recovery fellowship that meets every day. Soon I will write about that.

The real absolute Truth of the matter is that I belong right where I'm at in this moment because I cannot be anywhere else but here. That's a big chunk to take on faith and digest, so I continue to recognize the evidence of my belonging, and continue to create more evidence by becoming involved in whatever way I can in the community.

There is one very important attribute that I must develop - I must begin to recognize and accept the signs the Universe supplies me to see when it's time to change. I need to be able to take the rudder of my own ship and steer it in the direction my intuition and other signs tell me to steer it. The way to develop the attribute of recognition is to stay in this moment as much as possible, and to meditate, which is listening to God. I've been told that a consistent meditation practice will yield positive results in being able to navigate life. I no longer need to create crises to create change.

Changing core beliefs takes time and practice. Something in me thinks that if I get a better idea that I can implement that in my life overnight. Not so; making real change is akin to steering an aircraft carrier. It might receive orders to make an 180 degree turn and go in that direction, but it takes a lot of time and energy to make that change. So I need to daily be mentally and spiritually present in my life to be able to go in the direction that is meant for me.

Namasté,

Ken

Improving My Reception

 I had an interesting and unusual experience last week - I received a package from Amazon. That's not unusual - what is unusual is that I wasn't expecting it and it's something I needed. The package contained 2 black polo shirts, which I need for work.

When I received the package, I didn't know what it was, so I opened it up and discovered the shirts. They were two Hanes brand black polo shirts. I wondered if I had ordered them by mistake, because a few days before, I was looking on Amazon at these exact shirts. I started to doubt my sanity, but then I remembered that I had no money on my debit card with which to pay for these shirts. I went to my card account and found I still had no money, and that I hadn't sent any to Amazon in over 3 months. Did Amazon, out of the goodness of their corporate heart, decide to send me something I was just looking at?

Then I found a little slip of paper inside that said this was a gift from someone, but it didn't have their name. There are only 3 people who know my shipping address, and I quickly narrowed it down to one person. I found out I was correct.

So what's the deal - is this a coincidence, or is it evidence that the Universe is constantly conspiring for my highest good? I'm choosing the latter - I want to believe what I've read and been told - that there is a force for good in the Universe that is unconditional Love, and that this force - Spirit - is always giving. I like to compare it to the Sun, even though Spirit is infinitely bigger and more powerful than the Sun. All the Sun does all day (and all night, even though we don't see it) is send out light. It doesn't matter if it's cloudy or not - the Sun is still emitting it's rays. The Sun, I know, doesn't care whether I'm a "good" boy or a "bad" boy - it just keeps shining on me. Receiving those shirts from an anonymous benefactor is tangible evidence to me that Something is working on my behalf. 

I must admit that I don't have blind faith in my Higher Power. I do, however, have an intuitive sense that an underlying Substance that is perfect Love and intelligence governs Life and governs my life.  This intuitive sense is my faith, and a lot of days it seems like it's not very developed. What I do have faith in are the spiritual principles of recovery from addiction - honesty, openmindedness, willingness, surrender, humility, love, hope, courage, faith, strength, and others. When I practice these principles, I am able - I have the power - to stay in recovery and be a blessing to those around me. When I stop practicing these principles, I relapse into depression and active addiction. It's that simple, and yet it's not. I have faith in these principles because when I practice them, and I see others practice them, I see them work. I see sobriety and recovery. I've experienced the results.

The question that baffles me is why do I backslide? Why do I make real progress, and then relapse? 

I've experienced a ton of healing in my life, but I've also experienced a ton of sickness. I think it's about 50/50 right now, but the healing might be getting in the lead. Since July 17th, I've experienced sobriety, hope, insights, changes in attitude and behavior, and an overall improvement in my reaction to Life. I seem to be cooperating with Life lately, and that urge to self-destruct has gone into remission. As this has been developing, I've also receive signs that Spirit is active in my life. I like these signs; two of the big ones are the shirts I received and the job for which I received them. It really is a miracle that I'm back in grocery again, and all I'm going to say about that is that I recognize this job as an opportunity to make indirect amends for the shitstorm I caused over 20 years ago!

So, I've got all these signs, and I'm feeling good about my experiences and the progress I've made over the past 8 weeks (which really is no time), and I believe more and more that something Divine is working in my life - how do I keep this going? Consistent spiritual practice. I begin to learn that today  I have no more important job than to maintain my sobriety/recovery. I begin to understand at a deep level that I cannot do this on my own; I must accept & receive the help of my Higher Power. Then I continue to develop my relationship with that Higher Power. 

I can see more clearly today how I rationalized the thinking and behavior that pushed me away from recovery and toward relapse. I can see how I created the clouds that obscured the Sunlight of the Spirit and made me believe again that my life had no value, that I had no value. These "clouds" are fear, doubt, low self-esteem, lack of humility, resentment, self-pity, escapism, isolation, lack of connection, and hopelessness. When I allow these clouds to form, they effectively block Spirit, even though Spirit is still there. Spirit never leaves me; I try to hide. 

I believe one of the key elements in keeping the faith is active gratitude. Active gratitude is simply seeking and seeing the blessings in and around me, and being thankful to Source for them. As we know by now, what I focus on grows and grows - when I focus on the shit in life, shit grows; when I focus on the good in life (and in myself), the good grows. So when I seek and acknowledge good in my life, I find it more and more; that's just the way the Universe works.

So here's the point - my experiencing the coincidences and miracles in my life is really me opening up my mind and heart to experience them. I'm improving my reception. I believe I live in an abundant Universe - that blessings and miracles are swirling around me - and that the only thing that keeps me from receiving these blessings is poor reception - a closed mind and/or a closed heart. God shows up in my life in a lot of ways - through different people and different events. In order to receive, I need to stay open; otherwise, I'll walk right by my blessings. 

The way for me to improve and maintain my receptivity, my reception, is to keep a consistent spiritual practice, which includes prayer, meditation, and gratitude, and also a sense of expectation throughout the day. For me, it's skillful to expect something good - something good will happen. Expecting specific things has often proven unskillful for me - my focusing my mind on specific things seems to make me miss the better things that Spirit has in Mind for me.

I don't know how to end this, probably because there isn't an end; no matter how practiced and skillful I get, there will always be room for improving my reception. So for now, I'll say blessings on your path, thank you for reading, and

Namasté,

Ken

I'm Doing Ok

 This isn't a post about what I've been doing since June 21st, the date I last published a post; however, I will probably explore some of that. We'll see. This is a post about me and a post I read earlier today on Facebook. I can no longer find it, but it declared that not too many people will notice the healing work I'm doing, but to continue it anyway. It's important, and it does make a difference in my life, the world, and in the Universe. Ok, you can stop reading now if you want because that's the main point, or you can continue on if you have a minute - there is some more good stuff further on.

One of the mal-adaptive behaviors I developed was approval seeking. It's ok to desire being appreciated, but if I need to be appreciated for me to love myself or even be ok with myself, that's a problem. One of the reasons it's a problem is that it's not your job to appreciate me or approve of the things I'm doing or the things I've accomplished; if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. However, that's not good enough for me. If I need your approval or appreciation to keep going, I'm going to do things that go against my self - things that impugn my integrity. I've spent a lot of time and energy during my life trying to be and do what I thought you wanted me to be and do. It has only been in the past 7 years that I've been endeavoring to show up as my authentic self; I've made progress, and I'm still working on it.

The other reason that expecting approval or appreciation from you is a problem is that anywhere from 50% of the time to 100%, I'm going to be disappointed. Unreasonable expectations often lead to resentment, depression, and even self-loathing. My "I'm not good enough" belief becomes active, and when this happens, I'm sliding down the road to relapse.

This reminds me of a recent adventure. I went on a long (30 mile) bike ride. When going on a long ride, it is good to check that the bicycle is in good working condition and that I have everything I need. Well, things looked fine, so I took off - without adjusting my brakes. I have disc brakes on my bike, and I love them, but, on a bike, they need to be adjusted a little more often than other kinds of brakes. My brakes are fine for city driving; however, I discovered that they were not ok for driving in the country, where I will encounter steep grades and attain speeds above 20 mph. So anyway, I'm going down this hill at about 30 mph, and I went around the curve. In front of me were stoplights regulating the intersection of the road I was on and Arizona highway 89A. So I squeezed both brakes (front and back) as hard as I could, and I knew right away that I wasn't going to be able to stop before the intersection. My choices were to hope for no traffic and turn right onto 89A, or use my right foot. I was wearing my new Merrell hikers, and I stomped my right foot down on the ground. Immediately I smelled burning rubber. With my foot on the ground, I was able to stop in time, and make a mental note to adjust my brakes next time. Anyway, the analogy here is the road to relapse - it's downhill, and the brakes are my coping skills and interventions I've learned to prevent relapse. If my skills are weak or if I don't use them at all, I will go head-on into active relapse, which in my case is drinking and suicidal ideation. (By the way, my shoes are fine - plenty of rubber left.)

Ok, back to the main topic. What's been happening to me since July 17th has been lots of "aha" moments - revelations and insights about what I need to be doing in order to get well. Some of these I've shared with others, some I haven't. The insights and inspiration I've received have been for me. They are precisely directed at my situation, my journey. They may or may not help anybody else. Because they are specifically for me, I may not get some of the recognition I think I deserve, and this is where I get tripped up - one of the patterns of my life has been to abstain from engaging in healthy activities for myself that nobody else will see or care about. This pattern has remained fairly steadfast until the last 6 or 7 weeks. I've been able to do things important to me and for me about which nobody cares, and that in itself is a miracle for me.

I see and feel that I am on a healing journey. I feel consistently more alive and willing to embrace life, whatever it entails, than I've felt over the past 2 years. I do not know what flipped the switch and it doesn't matter. I do know how to stay in this healthy place - what it takes is to keep Spirit and recovery first, above situations, people, places, and things. 

One thing I'm missing, and that's what this post is about, is enough self- esteem, care, love - whatever you want to call it - to be able to do what I know in my heart is right and healthy for me to do. So, how will I continue to basically affirm myself and my life and (hopefully) completely let go of the need for others' approval?

There are a few ways I know of to affirm myself. The first is prayer and meditation. I've been doing that in the morning, but not in the evening. Having set times to do this each day is a commitment to myself, and fulfilling a commitment to myself will build self-esteem. Second is journaling. This blog is a type of journal, but the kind of journaling I'm talking about here is to nightly list my accomplishments and the good things I've experienced during the day. Writing my experience down on paper gets it out of my head and makes it real to me. Third is physical exercise. Engaging my body in exercise affirms my physical existence, helps keep me physically healthy, and alleviates stress, anxiety, and depression.

There are more ways to affirm my life, such as eating healthily and practicing good sleep hygiene, which I do. I'm going to use the word 'vibe' here - the practices I'm talking about raise my vibe, which can be defined as overall mood, aspect, or affect. And when my vibe is raised, my little world gets better, and I'm able to see possibilities and opportunities that I didn't see when I was operating at a low vibe.

One thing I know from experience is when I'm feeling healthy and more whole, I need to run with it. If I just lay about enjoying the feeling, it'll disappear again, and it's very difficult to get to that place again - the place where I really am enjoying living.

Well, this is cool - I'm going to publish this post in a minute. I have about 6 drafts between 6/21 and now, and this is the first one I've been able to complete to my satisfaction. Yay! I appreciate you for reading this far - as you know, it means a lot to me.

Namasté,

Ken