Wednesday, August 30, 2017

The Lessons I Learn

Part of the process of becoming awake and aware involves recognizing the peculiar occurrence of showing up somewhere for one thing and realizing we're there for another reason.

That happened to me today, and I think I got two lessons for the price of one. First Lesson:  In a group setting, doing a group activity, i knew i was right, and I became a bit pushy, if not overbearing, in trying to explain why i had the solution. I hurt someone's feelings, retracted my pushiness and apologized. The first lesson? I'm in competition with nobody. No one. Nada. Growing spiritually is about cooperation. Learning teamwork. Finding out what I have to contribute to the whole. Being a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I no longer have to compete. There's nothing to win. More importantly, I don't have to prove my mousey worth. There's nothing to prove - am I right, am I better than - doesn't matter. In the realm of Spirit, there is no 'better than' - there just Is. Period.

On to the Second Lesson: I've been doing a lot of educational stuff lately. Today I just finished my Certified Peer Specialist training, and I started some post-secondary education last week. This time around in my educational endeavors, I'm trying to actually learn something rather than just test well. I already know how to test well. Learning is something at which I'm relatively new. I'm pursuing (perhaps not an accurate word to use) my associate degree in Human Services. I'm going to be in this gig for a while, it looks like, so I want some paper to show that I actually do know what I'm doing, and I will fully participate in the experience. That's why I think I'm there. 

However, that's not exactly it. I was at school in a group discussion when I experienced the first lesson mentioned above. And after I got to thinking about that, and the grades I've received so far (we've had about 10 assignments already), I realized I'm not there just to get some letters after my name. 

First, about the grades - everything's been perfect so far. If you know anything about alcoholics and addicts, you'll know that most of us are creative, intelligent, and over-achievers (although by the time we're in our full-blown addiction, we're not achieving too much anymore). We're over-achievers because most of us don't really have the capacity to appreciate our gifts, and we think we have to do way better than average just to hit 'okay'. So, because part of me is still an overachiever (that's hard to say, because it still doesn't feel like it), and because I have tons of experience in the human services field already (my experience has been receiving rather than giving), my work has been exemplary and way above average, at least according to my instructors.

The person whose feelings I hurt tonight is young enough to be my grandchild. In an effort to show how ____ing smart I am, I (unintentionally) behaved in the manner of an arrogant prick. I knew it right away, and I'm grateful for that it didn't take me long to realize it. So, after I apologized (and I'll have to make amends in the future by not showing up like an arrogant prick), I got to thinking to myself, "What am I here for if not to show everyone how filled with wisdom and experience I am?" (And please remember one person's wisdom and experience can be another person's bullshit). 

I am there, like I am anywhere, to be the Love of Spirit in action, , in the flesh, and to be of maximum service to others. The class already has an instructor, and it's a small class, so it doesn't need another instructor. Among the other students I am to be a peer. This does not mean that I have to 'dumb down'. What it does mean is I have to stifle my urge to show everyone how great I am (God already knows, and that's all that matters), and to do this: Use my experience and knowledge while learning how myself to transfer it to others in a way that is palatable to them. In other, much simpler words, share my experience with others so that they, too, might learn from it. Nobody, I think, likes a lesson crammed down their throat. I know I never appreciated it. Teach like a Ninja - don't let them know what's going on until it's done. Use my cleverness to make friends rather than enemies.

I really am grateful to be here learning what I'm learning and doing what I'm doing. I really am grateful today for all the wonderful gifts I've been given, and for the opportunity to enjoy them and share them with others. Sometimes the experience is painful - it really does hurt me to hurt someone - but I don't seem to suffer like I used to.

So there you have it.

Namaste,

Ken

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Some of My Best Friends are Women!

I started school last night. No, don't worry, I'm still taking my medication. I'm in the Human Services Associate Blended Options program at WCTC. We meet once a week, and much of the class is done online. So I found out last night that I am the only male in the class.

There are about 10 students in the class, and the way it's set up is that we go through the next two years together. Because we had had some online introductions before class started, I thought there was at least one other male in the class. As it turns out, there isn't. Once I realized I was the only male, and realized my discomfort surrounding that fact, I thought about what having another man in the class would do for me.

Plainly speaking, having another man in the class would validate my existence there. And I suppose I would validate his. If you are my age, you learned a lot about groups - girls hang with girls and do girly things, boys hang with boys and do manly things, and the list can go on and on. Jews are over here, Catholics over there, black folks live there and white folks live here. However, growing up, no matter where I was, I did not fit in. (Knowing what I know now, that's actually a good thing).

Not only am I the only male in the class, there is only one other person in my age group. The other students are mostly in their 20's and 30's. I think I have the most post-secondary education experience in the class, aside from the instructor. Apparently my vocabulary is more extensive, and I've had a lot more life experience. On the flip side, there are a lot of experiences I haven't had - I've never given birth, and, consequently, not had the pleasure of raising children. I've not been discriminated against for having ovaries or dark skin. I do know the fear of getting assaulted, but, at the same time, I don't worry too much in dark parking lots.

So what's my point, or my lesson? My lesson is I'm still learning to come to myself and  know that as a human being on the planet Earth, I belong, no matter what. That's one of my basic operating beliefs that I put into practice - wherever I am, I'm meant to be there, and I have something to give. 

Fortunately for me, I was not raised with a lot of gender bias. I don't feel as much as some men might that I have to live up to a certain image. I'm a lot more comfortable than some with just showing up as myself. But it's still kind of weird - if I let it, my mind will wonder what the other students think of me (actually none of my business). Also fortunately for me, I like and respect women.

Another thing that I can begin to experience is cultural humility. As a white male raised in a Christian household, I don't get a lot of that experience. For about two hours last night, I felt what it feels like to be the 'odd man out'. For two hours. Some people, probably a lot of people, experience this daily. I'm also fortunate in that I know my discomfort is all internal - for lots of people, their discomfort is real. They may be in a place where they aren't wanted, or are looked down upon. I didn't get that feeling at all. I did not feel any unwelcome vibes.  But the experience makes me a little more sensitive to those people who might feel out of place because of their gender, color of their skin, first language, nationality, orientation, whatever. 

My primary purpose is to be of maximum service to my fellow human beings in whatever way that plays out. A lot of my journey is releasing those things within me that might inhibit me being of maximum service, like the way I feel about myself or the way I feel about others. I can't get empathy and compassion from a textbook - I have to go out and experience it. So I am grateful for the minor discomfort I have to endure to experience the things I need to experience to become more of who I really Am - a beloved Child of the Universe who deserves to be wherever he is at at any given moment. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I'm obligated to allow those around me to feel safe as well. 

Namaste,

Ken

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Monstrously Human

A man I know was recently arrested for assault. This particular individual lives with schizophrenia and substance use disorder. I haven't seen him in a couple of years, but I got to know him pretty well over a 2-3 year period some years back. His name and picture made it to the sheriff's department website, and somebody commented that he is a 'monster'.

I'm not writing to defend my friend or what he allegedly did. I would like to let folks know that I've met a lot of people on my journey that at given times could be described as monsters. When I had regular contact with my friend who was arrested, he was managing the symptoms of his illnesses. At the time that I knew him, I did not understand schizophrenia as well as I do now; nevertheless, I rode with this man, and went to meetings and other places with him. During the time I knew him, he never displayed any antisocial behavior - he wasn't a 'monster'.

I've spent 5 years of my life incarcerated in prisons and jails. During that time, I've met drunk drivers who killed people, obsessed men who killed people, rapists, thieves (like me!), drug dealers, drug mules (runners), thugs - all manner of criminals. I have yet to meet anybody that is a murderer 100% of the time. I've yet to meet anyone that is a rapist 100% of the time. I've yet to meet anyone...well, you get the picture (I hope).

My point is that everybody is human, and everybody has both good and bad in them. There have been many, many times when I felt I was the worst human on the planet. Fortunately or unfortunately, it's hard to feel like the worst human nowadays. 

An interesting aspect of prison life is that inmates are ranked on their crimes. Nobody wants to go to jail as a person who has committed a crime against a child. No police officer or correctional officer ever wants to go to jail. Those are things that can make one's sentence extremely rough, if not fatal. However, if you were a drug dealer, that's considered fairly good, even if the drugs you sold killed a child. As a thief, I didn't have it too bad, even though I deprived a few people of their cars. Think for a moment what it would feel like for your car to be stolen. Very often we keep stuff in our cars - child carrier seats, money, music that's special to us, etc. It's a violation of one's safety and security, and can be traumatizing.

Another point: almost every human being does shitty things to other human beings from time to time. That, unfortunately, is the nature of humanity.

From my experience, our 'corrections' system does nothing but warehouses and stigmatizes human beings. I'm one of the fortunate ones - I utilized the resources that were provided, and I'm not nearly as likely to steal your car or your money today as I was 20 years ago. This is a good thing; however, many never make it out of the corrections system once they're in. (Please note that I didn't say, "I'll never steal again!" It's not in my plans today, so I think we're good for now).

Nobody was born bad. Things happen during our journey, and one person reacts one way, another reacts another way. Instead of taking damaged people and damaging them more in the correctional system (as it is today) we could be asking, "What happened to make this individual behave this way? What to they need?" We waste a lot of human life locking it up. 

I used to feel that I was useless, a waste of oxygen. I used to believe I deserved to die. If I had managed to kill myself off, I would have missed many opportunities that I've had to help others. I am grateful that I no longer have to behave in monstrous ways, but the 'corrections' system is only one part of my recovery journey. The rest of it is being surrounded by people who see the good in me and who support me in developing that goodness.

There is a way of looking at other human beings with compassion and empathy. There is a way to bring healing to ourselves and others. We are at a point in human evolution where we no longer need to throw people away. Anybody. The answer is to look for the good, no matter how challenging, rather than labeling people as monsters. 

Namaste,

Ken


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

A Great Discovery

If I haven't done so already, in this post I will expose myself as being a little slow on the uptake...

I always like finding stuff that works for me. It's fun. It's useful. Discovery is a big part of recovery.

I'm enrolled this fall at WCTC to begin the journey of earning an associate degree in Human Services. Even though I've engaged in tons of post-secondary education, I haven't yet experienced what I'm about to experience. I'll be in the 'Blended Options' program, meaning the coursework will be mainly online done with the same group of people over the next two years. We'll meet once a week in person. 

It sounds like this endeavor will require lots of dedication and discipline - Yikes! So, I have experienced a great deal of anxiety over the past couple of weeks - can I do this? Can I not? (that doesn't make sense - of course I can't if I don't want to). As you may have already surmised, a lot of anxiety isn't the best thing for my mental health or my sobriety. But I've been trudging forward anyway, despite feeling like I want to escape.

Class has already started. It doesn't officially start until next week, but we've been doing preliminary assignments, which only added to my anxiety. I made the Great Discovery today as I completed the final preliminary assignment.

The final assignment was to write a 350 word blurb (a little short for an essay) about what I would need to do to prepare myself for this adventure. So, I took some time to sit down and write it out. Here's the Great Discovery: When I got done writing down what I would need to do to prepare myself for success, I realized that I had written a plan of action that will work and I realized that I will succeed. And my anxiety left, or at least turned into excitement.

So here's why this is such a great discovery and why it exposes me as not the sharpest tool in my father's shed: When I write with purpose, what comes out is better than what I am. It's as though I have my own little prophet inside of me. I've known for almost my whole life that excellent written communication is a gift of mine - perhaps my greatest gift in this lifetime. However, I've hardly used this gift for anything really useful. I've been using it more and more - this blog, I believe, is a big part of my recovery. Although I don't always live up to what I write, I know that I have it in me, because I know that what I am writing is the Truth (for me, at least). It comes from deep within me. So I know it's there. I can't claim to be a useless piece of shit if I've got this goldmine inside of me - I can only claim that some days I don't put on my little miner's hat and go mine the stuff.

So the gift is that if I have something that I want to do in my life and I don't know how I'm ever going to accomplish it, sit down and write it down.

There ya have it - it's there - use it!

Namaste,

Ken

Monday, August 14, 2017

In This Moment...

In this moment, I am free.

In this moment, I am healthy.

In this moment, I love myself.

In this moment, I am loved.

In this moment, I am connected.

In this moment, I am enough.

In this moment, I am peace.

In this moment, I am perfect.

In this moment, I am calm.

In this moment, I am rich.

In this moment, I am strong.

In this moment, I am courageous.

In this moment, I am well.

In this moment, I am blessed.

In this moment, I am beautiful.

In this moment, I am secure.

Namaste,

Ken

Choosing My Battles

I found out today that a person I had the honor of serving recently lost their battle with addiction. It is a sad thing, and one wonders what more can be done. 

I used to think I knew everything. I certainly had an opinion about everything. The problem with knowing everything (for me, anyways) was that I knew everything but still didn't have any answers. I knew everything and life still sucked. I knew everything and I still sucked. 

When I stopped knowing everything, I became teachable. I began to learn. Today in my Certified Peer Specialist training I learned some more about addiction and recovery. I used to know everything about addiction; now that I don't, there is a lot more hope.

I spent years floundering and searching for what I should do with my life. When I stopped searching, and began to look at what is in front of me, I found out what is mine to do. What is mine to do is to use my experience in mental illness and alcoholism and my experience in recovery to help ease the suffering of others. Part of what is mine to do is to learn more and discover more about addiction, mental illness, and recovery. This isn't a dead-end street. There is so much to learn, and so much to explore. 

And what does this have to do with the young man who is no longer with us? Not much, anymore. But there are many more men and women who are in the grips of a potentially fatal illness who still have the hope of a living recovery inside. 

There's a lot going on in the world today. There's a lot going on that I have an opinion about, and a lot going on that I could try to say or do something about. I feel strongly about a lot of issues. However, this is mine to do: to keep recovery in the center of my life, and to know that a big part of my recovery is sharing it with others. My energy, my focus, must be on learning and doing as much as I can so that someone doesn't have to die from their mental illness or addiction. 

There's a poster behind me right now as I write that says, "FOCUS - If you chase two rabbits, both will escape." There's lots of things in this world, this life, that need attention. I must trust that Spirit has already provided the people needed for other issues, and focus on what is mine to do. Because I don't want my clients to die, and there's maybe something I can do about that.

Namaste,

Ken