A Guest Post from Joe McVeen from FB

"I was 14 when my mom fell down the stairs.

I got home off the school bus and followed a trail of blood to her bed, where she lay covered in crimson from her head wound. She used a pillow as a bandage.
I stood there holding the home phone, petrified, my finger hovering over the “9” to call an ambulance. I had never called 911 before and I had almost worked up the courage to do so when Mom half-consciously insisted that I didn’t.

I asked her repeatedly if she was sure, and she insisted again and again that she was fine and it wasn’t a big deal. And as much as I pretended to be independent then, her word still carried enough weight for me to obey. So I didn’t call. I turned and walked shell-shocked out of the room, raced to my bicycle and went off to play football until I had erased the memory completely from my mind.

Two weeks later she was immediately life-flighted the moment she got to the hospital. In those two weeks, the bleeding on her brain dried and swelled, severely damaging her motor function, behavior, and memory. The mom I had always known was gone.

I watched the helicopter take off in total silence. I thought I was blaming her for falling, but I was truly blaming myself for not dialing those three numbers.

That simmering silent blame was cemented in me for years. I masterfully suppressed the biggest trauma of my life, and made it look like I was perfect on the outside. A varsity football captain, full academic engineering scholarship, glimmering resume, the best internships, I made sure to check all the boxes.

This compressed blame fueled me to place more and more weight of external success on my shoulders. I went to personal development seminars, read dozens of books, and planned my whole engineering career out to the dollar.
Then one day the unnecessary ego weight on my shoulders was finally too heavy, and the false shell of bullshit came crashing down.

I visited my mom in the nursing home and cried like a baby with her on her bed. I held her like I should have the day she fell. I told her how sorry I was for not calling 911, how much I have always loved her, and forgave her with all my soul while looking deep into her tear-strewn brown eyes.

In that beautiful moment, I also forgave that shell-shocked 14-year old boy in me. I told him that he did the best he could with what he knew at the time, and now he was free to stop running from his problems to go off and impress people in some game or career.

It was that instant that I developed the loving courage to face real problems with all my heart, which is the source of the passion I bring to my mission today.

Winning is not healing. Impressing is not healing. Fitting in is not healing.

In a moment of loving forgiveness, your greatest struggle becomes your greatest strength.

It's all love, my friends. Don't forget to forgive yourself too.

Please share this message so others can be inspired to walk the path to healing, growing and inspiring ❤️.

I love you Mom, for the beautiful soul beneath your broken body. I thank you for all that you sacrificed for me to become a man."

Joe McVeen

Sowing and Reaping

I had a really good day at work today. I assisted several people over the phone and a few people in person, and I really really felt really useful. On the flip side, there are some days at work where I go in prepared to do my best, and it feels like I haven't helped a soul. Either way I get a paycheck, but I don't go to work for a paycheck.

I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.

I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"

Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.

So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)? 

I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.

At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.

As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.

None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.

Namaste,

Ken

Mindful Helping

I unintentionally opened a can of worms this morning in our reflections group. Without going too far into specifics, I made what I thought was a fairly clear and straightforward statement about living in community and looking out for each other. A discussion that was longer and more in-depth than I had anticipated (or desired) ensued. I don't think we came to any hard and fast conclusions about when and how to help the people we live with.

The incident got me to thinking about how I determine when and how to help someone. I looked at my past behavior and my present behavior regarding this, and what 'rules' I follow. I'm pretty sure this is a topic upon which a whole book could be written, and, even after it was written, there'd still be questions about the 'right' way to help someone.

In the past, helping someone was rarely done from my heart, or with any sense of rationality or even humility. I helped when I had something to gain from helping. Often, that gain came in the form of ego gratification or to escape confrontation. A pretty girl had a lot better chance of getting help from me than some guy did. (In fact, sometimes with women I would get obsessed with helping them out, which usually ended with me getting resentful and then drunk. Obsession deserves its own post). Inside, I usually expected something in return for my giving of myself or my money. Sometimes I helped because then I could feel superior to those I was helping. Sometimes I withheld help in order to punish. Often I helped to receive pats on the back, to make someone else make me feel better about myself.

The common ingredient in the way in which I helped others in the past was me. Or, more accurately, my fragile, arbitrary ego. These are not healthy ways to help for me. They threaten my recovery. One way to avoid helping in this manner is to stop helping. I don't think that's healthy, either. Another way for me to learn to help others helpfully is to constantly be on the lookout for the things I put in italics above - is it part of an obsession? Do I have expectations surrounding my help? Is my helping someone helping me to feel superior? Is my ego getting stroked? Am I helping out of fear - like a fear of rejection?

Now, my experience has been that I don't change overnight. This means that in my giving and helping, there are probably still elements of selfishness and ego gratification. However, I can move toward a more healthy helping and giving. For instance, I gave someone a handmade gift (I've probably mentioned this before), and the giving had healthy and unhealthy elements. I care for this person, and I wanted to give him something nice that came from my creativity - that's healthy. I also recognized that I had expectations surrounding the gift. He was supposed to open it in front of a bunch of other people - that didn't happen, and I watched how my thinking went to the disappointment of the dashed expectation. Because I was being observant and mindful, it didn't really matter that part of me went there, because I chose not to focus on what my expectations were, and chose to focus on the fact that I was able to give someone a nice gift that came from the heart.

I think, too, that now that I recognize a higher power that is not only operative in my life but the lives of everyone, the way in which I give is different. I no longer try to be someone's higher power through helping and giving (obsession). And there seem to be a lot of times, especially lately, when people may come to me for something that isn't mine to give. In those cases, I can give support and referral to other resources. There's a part of me that wants to be the Godfather - you come to me needing something, I can supply it. That attitude is 'playing God' (hence the term Godfather), and I avoid doing that. I have to trust that if I can't give someone what they need, our Higher Power will give it to them another way.

Another helpful guideline someone gave me a few years ago - If I do something for someone that they can do for themselves, I'm subconsciously telling them that I don't believe they can do it. This is very important to me in my role as a peer specialist, and even in general as a human being. The greatest discoveries in my life have been when I've been able to do something that I thought I couldn't do. I don't want to deprive anyone of finding out how powerful they really are by doing things for them that they can be doing themselves. Now, sometimes, maybe often, this puts me in a position where I have to say 'no' to folks, and I really don't like doing that. It still makes me uncomfortable, so I guess I have room to grow in that area. But people desiring recovery from addiction and mental health conditions come from a state of helplessness. I still remember vividly when I believed I would never be able to support myself or live by myself. Had I had too many people agree with me on that, I might not be alive today. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now. So it is very important to allow people to discover what they're really made of.

I also have professional ethical boundaries, which give me guidance on how much I can help another. They are useful guidelines, but sometimes I cross those boundaries when I feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm not a big stickler on following rules simply because they're the rules (just kidding if any of my supervisors are reading this!).

Lastly, I need to be mindful of my own needs, which is very much a challenge for me. I still have a tendency to overextend myself in the 'service' of others. Just thinking about it now, writing about Helping Myself could be its own post, if not an entire book. Taking time for myself, by myself, recharging, taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health all require time, and very often I find myself out of time to take care of myself. To be of maximum service to others, I must make sure my own house is in order, to quote one of the recovery texts out there. In other words, if I haven't been taking care of myself, I will be deficient physically, spiritually, or mentally, or all three, and whatever I have to give to someone else might not be all that great. It's a definite balancing act right now on my recovery journey.

Halfway through writing this I changed the title to what it is now, Mindful Helping, and I think this is the key. Practicing mindful helping means being aware, very basically, of my motives and how my actions will impact others and me when helping others. This doesn't mean that all of my choices will be the best choices possible, but it does mean I'll be paying attention to help me avoid the pitfalls I used to experience. Today I can learn from my experiences, and when something doesn't feel right to me, I discuss it with another. 

What I'm most grateful for is that the spirit of service seems to be deeply embedded in me. It's like a gift or a talent that I desire to develop as much as I can. So when I do mindful helping, I'm benefiting not only another human being, I'm benefiting myself, and affirming our connection with the Universe. 

Namaste,

Ken

What's Really Going On?

In yesterday's post I mentioned the fact that what we focus on increases, whether we're focusing on our blessings or the things we'd rather not have. Seeing the good around me has always been a challenge for me - it's much easier for me to spot what's 'wrong'. This trait can be particularly useful if I'm doing something like editing or quality control; however, past that, it serves no purpose other than to maintain a shitty outlook on life.

I've been following the 'news', and I'm pretty sure that I'm not better off for doing so. Even though I know better, I still seem to gravitate toward looking for the bad. I don't really have to look too far, do I? It seems like a chore sometimes to see what's right with people and what's right with the world.

25 years ago I read a letter to the editor in the Milwaukee Journal written by a friend of mine. At the time, Jeffrey Dahmer was on trial in Milwaukee. Fortunately, crimes like the ones he committed are rare in Milwaukee; however, it seemed like everyone was focusing on the case. Her letter urged us to focus on all the things going right with the world, and I think the theme still holds today.

I can't recreate her letter here, but I can write down those things that are right in the world, and I know they'll outnumber the things that are seemingly not right.

• The last time I checked, I still have a pulse. Many people will die today, some tragically and/or needlessly; yet many many more will live.
• I am 95-99% healthy. I have some aches and pains, and there are things I have to watch about my health, but I am not ill at all. I see lots of advertisement that prompts me to think I am lacking in health, but that just is not the case.
• Some people will die today from suicide and/or addiction. I will not, and the vast majority of people will not.
• There is much suffering and inequity in this world. There is not in my life, and I seek, along with many others, to ease the suffering of others.
• Nobody, known or unknown to me, has attempted to harm me today.
• I can live within my means today and have enough left over to share with others. There are some people in this world who have much, much more than I have materially, yet don't feel secure. I am abundantly blessed.
• I am filled with hope today, and every time I share it, my share increases.
• I have control over my mind and my actions today, and so long as I am constructive rather than destructive, I'm doing ok.
• There seems to be a lot of hatred and disconnect nowadays; I know that this is not the Truth; the Truth is that we are all loved and cared for and important, regardless of what we look like or what we've done, and that we are all connected. I seek to live this Truth more and more each day, knowing that how I live does make a difference.
• There seems to be a lot of stupidity, callousness, and ignorance in the world today. In Truth, I am surrounded by people who are awake and aware.

That's kind of the short list. 'Society' tries to program us to stay in an attitude of fear and lack; however, writing this list has made me feel closer to the Truth - that fear and lack are illusions and have only as much power as I give them. When I endeavor to live in the light, others see this, and they are encouraged to let their lights shine as well. All I really can do is give what I have; however, what I have is a lot more powerful than even I know, and the same goes for everyone on this planet.

Keep your light shining, and I'll do the same!

Namaste,

Ken

A Thankful Heart

I wasn't going to write today, but I think the message is important enough to write whether I feel like it or not. I usually don't write unless I feel 'inspired' - that is, when I feel like I have a clear message or idea of what I want to write about. I kinda do but kinda don't, so we'll see where this goes.

Thanksgiving used to be is still my favorite holiday. I'm not all that excited about it today, and I think it's because I'm finally integrating a belief that I've had most of my adult life about holidays, and it is this - that it's a good thing to be grateful year round (to hold the spirit of thanksgiving every day). For instance, I can celebrate my being born into this life every day that I'm alive. I can experience the joy of giving every day, and not confine it to Christmas. I celebrate freedom and independence every day, not just on July 4th, and I can celebrate my relationship with the Divine every moment, not just at Easter. 

That being said, or written, as it were, my personal understanding of gratitude is being able to recognize the gifts I've been given and feeling joy for the abundant life I experience today. This attitude is a turnaround from the way I used to feel. I used to feel shortchanged by life, to put it simply. I no longer feel that way (most of the time). I like my life today. I love my life. 

The best part is is that I understand it's not the things in my life that make it great, it's the people and the ways in which I give. I've always been blessed with good people in my life, whether I've been a total shithead or an angel. I'm not so much of a shithead anymore, so I have more good people in my life. I have gifts today that I've always had, but I'm learning each day how to share those with the people around me. I have a little bit better understanding today of how life works, which allows me more peace of mind. I have a lot less fear today and a lot more faith that the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I have the knowing that everything I need materially for this day already exists. I'm grateful for the increased ability to make better choices for myself - that's a big one right there. I'm not so inclined as I used to be to screw myself.

I have two conditions for which I am grateful - major depressive disorder and alcoholism. Those are the names given to my condition, but, boiled down, it amounts to a near inability to appreciate and enjoy life from the inside out. I think I'm empty inside, so I look to things outside of myself to fill that emptiness. It's a very self-destructive condition. The good news is that the treatment for this condition is discovering the Truth about me (and about you, I believe) - that I'm not empty at all, and I really do have everything I need inside of me to live life. The blueprint and the power is there. So every day for me is a treasure hunt - I look for what I think I don't have, and when I find it I give it away. And in so doing, I get more.

That's the reason I'm so grateful for the people in my life. If it weren't for others sharing with me and encouraging me, I would not be here.

There is a Universal Law that whatever we focus on increases. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, or if we focus on it with joy or with hatred. Gratitude is the skillful use of this law. When I am thankful for the things and thoughts and actions that bring me joy, I get more. The more grateful I am, the more I have for which to be grateful. I'm not going to write a book about that, because it really is that simple.

So, for my 2 or 3 readers today, my desire for you is that you have a thoroughly enjoyable day that brings you warmth and peace in your heart, and that you know deep down what a truly wonderful being you are.

Namaste,

Ken

Holding on Loosely

I don't claim to know what's best for anybody, myself included. I do, however, often think I know what's best - I just try not to claim it because I know that I really don't know. That's my lame disclaimer.

As many of my 3 readers know, I've been taking stabs at recovery for over three decades. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my long-term success has been my denial that in addition to alcoholism, I also live with what is called Major Depressive Disorder. However, my spiritual teachings and experience have led me to always look for the deeper meaning. What is beneath the alcoholism? What is beneath the depression? What is beneath the denial? For instance, many of us in recovery believe that alcoholism has very little to do with drinking alcohol, and very much to do with what was beneath our drinking - what causes us to value the use and effects of alcohol more than we value our family, our jobs, our possessions, our freedom, and, ultimately, our lives? Until we come to some understanding of causes and conditions, we can't really hope for long-term or contented sobriety. Yes, we have a physical allergy to alcohol; but if that were all we had, our problem would be solved by abstaining from alcohol. But it's not - we also have the mental obsession that, if left untreated, guarantees we will drink again.

I did not find the recovery I enjoy today until I was able to 'let go absolutely.' What that looked like at the time was really simply that I just stopped giving a rat's ass about how my life was going to turn out. I gave up. So I took what came my way as far as resources and help and I gave it my best shot. And I did not have any expectations that anything would work. This isn't to say that I believed it wouldn't work; I had simply released any expectations as to the outcome of my efforts.

And the result of this Method of Operation, if you will, is that I have a great life that I know I couldn't have planned.

I've written this before, but it bears repeating. I still have an ego; my decisions aren't as much informed by it as they used to be, but it's still there. And one of the traits of the ego, since egos are fear-based, is that it likes to know what's going on. It likes to plan, to insure its survival. Basically, my ego takes this particular lifetime way, way too seriously, because it doesn't believe in eternal life. My ego believes life is limited.

I, on the other hand, have begun to believe in unlimited, infinite life, and so I have a different view of this experience called 'My Life' than my ego has. And with my new view, I don't have to make sure everything will be ok and I'll be safe and protected. I already know that it is. Everything is already ok, no matter what the appearances are. And so my daily endeavor has gone from making sure Ken is ok (and all the things it takes to make that happen) to making sure that my consciousness stays in alignment with the Infinite. In some recovery programs, this is called knowing what God's will for me is today, and knowing that that is all I need to be concerned about.

I am very fortunate that I work with people in early recovery. What happens when I talk with these men is that simple stuff comes out of my mouth that they can use. This is what I heard come out of my mouth today, and it's a phrase that I believe encompasses the concept of holding on loosely: "I don't need to know today exactly where I'm going; I just need to make sure that I'm pointed in the right direction."

Here is a very concrete example of this concept: Say I want to go to California from here. I have a car, but I don't have GPS, I only have a compass. I know that California is generally WSW from here, and so I head out, in my car, going in a generally WSW destination. Because roads are the way they are, I know I won't be able to take a straight shot to California; however, if I head in that general direction overall, I'll arrive. And the bonus is that along the way I can enjoy the journey, because I haven't plotted out a specific path that I must take. Along the way I run into towns and rivers and mountains and prairies that I hadn't planned on visiting, but there they are! And my trip to California becomes an adventure, because I took it, I didn't plan it.

That's what I've been doing the past couple of years, and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading!

Namaste,

Ken

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I used to have as low a level of self-esteem as I think one can have and still maintain life. When I realized what self-esteem was, and when I realized I lacked it, I went in search for it. [cue "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" (Mickey Gilley)].

I thought I had found it in a bottle. It didn't last. I thought I had found it in sex. Again, it wasn't real and it didn't last. I found it in new jobs, and it wore off along with the honeymoon period. I once had a hefty sum of money - didn't do it for me (maybe because the money wasn't mine?). I looked for it in prescription medication. I looked for it everywhere, including not drinking. I went to counseling - lots of it. I successfully completed parole - felt good, but the feeling didn't last. I love playing piano, but if that actually gave me self-esteem, I'd be practicing a lot more than I do. Same with writing. Same with education - 168 college credits, and debt I'm still paying today, with no degree, no self-esteem.

When I wasn't trying to gain self-esteem through the various methods listed above, I covered up my lack of it through false pride and arrogance. God, I used to know it all, and I let people know I knew it all too. The problem (or maybe the good thing) is that that, too, didn't work forever. 

Three years ago, when I ran my own business, I remember realizing, for the first time in my life, that I could support myself. I had the skills necessary to do that. It was really nice to realize that. I don't think I realized it deep enough at the time, or perhaps that was just a taste of what was to come.

When I began my recovery, I knew that I would have to be true to myself, and I knew that I had to learn how and then take responsibility for my life. Actually, I knew this stuff in my head a long time ago, but 2-1/2 years ago, I really knew it deep down - enough to begin to take action. So when I was discharged from Genesis House and got a room on my own, I endeavored to make my top priority (regarding my finances) my rent and paying back money to my friends and former customers. I began living within my means. After a relatively short time of living within my means, and starting to really take responsibility for this life, I began to notice a strange new feeling emerge. It was a good feeling, but it wasn't euphoria. It was kind of a motivating feeling, almost like pride, but not quite. I felt good about myself and the way I was living. I felt more 'solid'. I did not know what this feeling was, and at alumni group one evening at Genesis I reported this feeling and wondered if anybody could help me name it. The counselor said, "It's called self-esteem." Wow.

Self-esteem has it's levels - it's not an on/off thing - it fluctuates. But I've been noticing some things over the past year happening to through me that I didn't ask for specifically. I began valuing the people in my life, and people in general, a lot more than I used to. I began respecting my jobs - meaning that I came to work prepared, and I wasn't just there to put in my 8 hours. I began to become interested in ethics and boundaries, and began following them, even when I was tempted not to. Weird stuff like that. I used to be honest and ethical when it suited me, or when I had nothing better to do. Now I do it all the time the majority of the time.

In the process, somewhere along the line, I began to really value my gifts, and value myself as a human being. Again, it used to be that if I received a compliment for something I had done or for a particular trait, I passed it off. Either the person giving the compliment was crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, or I felt inside that I had fooled them, or maybe they were just being nice. Nothing that was ever said good about me was real. Now it it's becoming real. 

Today for work I went to a meeting in Janesville with others who are engaged in the kind of work we do at work. (That's actually less cumbersome than trying to explain the whole thing in detail). I gave a 30 minute presentation on "The Role of the Certified Peer Specialist [that's me 😊] in the PATH Program." It went well. But I came away from today really really feeling like I belong in what I'm doing. I did not feel fake, I did not feel arrogant, I did not feel untrue to myself. I felt that solid feeling inside that comes from doing what is mine to do, and knowing that I have inside of me what I need. More self-esteem. 

And since true self-esteem does not come from doing harm to others, or from trying to make myself big, it is lasting, and it increases. The more I operate from my True Self, the more I operate from my True Self. Make sense?

So today's topic/point is not self-esteem - self-esteem is the example. Today's topic is "Everything in my life (and creation) begins with a thought." However, since I've been writing a long time, I'll make this quick.

Decades ago, I realized I had no self-esteem, and thought to myself, "I gotta get me some of that shit." (I used to be a lot cruder). And I held onto that thought - I didn't let it go. At some level, it was always with me, and though I sought after self-esteem very unskillfully, I began to arrive there. When we have a deep desire for something, it gets fulfilled. That's the way the Universe works. We live in a 'Yes' Universe. After a while, hopefully, we become a bit better skilled at requesting things, and at receiving. Really, 30 years ago, I didn't even know what I was asking for. 

Another Truth of the Universe (and the Wizard of Oz) is that everything we seek is already within us. I was born with self-esteem, because when we're born, we know where we come from. I un-learned self-esteem pretty early on, and it was a long and circuitous journey to get back to even the outer borders of it. I feel like I've entered a new country.

Seek and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you [attributed to Jesus]. Doesn't necessarily mean today, but it's there. 

Enjoy the journey!

Namaste,

Ken