I found out today that a man I knew lost his life to his mental health condition. He passed away a week ago after threatening a police officer who was questioning him. He threatened him with a knife and the police officer shot him.
I feel a lot of sadness right now - I'm sad for the man who lost his life, and I'm sad for the police officer. I'm sad for the community, because the community lost a good man who made a bad choice in a moment of stress. I'm sad for me because that could have been me, or could be me some day.
Our community has one of the best trained Crisis Intervention police forces around. Crisis Intervention Training allows police officers alternatives to deadly force when confronting citizens who are experiencing a psychiatric crisis. This community is a safe community, yet we're not immune to tragedy. I was not there, so I do not know how it all went down; all I know is that an officer was threatened by a man with a knife, and the officer protected himself.
We're all presented with possibilities each day. Stuff happens. A police officer in our community went to talk with my friend regarding a legal issue, things got out of hand, and my friend lost his life. That quick.
It's a reminder. It's a reminder not to take my health or anyone else's mental health for granted. Depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia all have their dark symptoms, and, more often than I'd like, the result is loss of life. One of the aspects of mental health conditions is that the symptoms of a mental health condition rarely affect only the sufferer - they affect the people close to the person living with the condition, and sometimes they affect the community. In this case, the community lost a much loved individual, and a police officer has to live with a death on his/her hands.
Please know that most often people with mental health conditions are not violent towards others, and that mental health conditions are treatable. It takes education and understanding as well as compassion.
I write this to bring awareness to whomever reads this about mental health conditions. They exist, and people live with them. Often, we are unaware that someone we know lives with a mental health condition - when we are in recovery, our symptoms don't show up in a way that is remarkable, so people may not know we are living with a life-threatening illness. Sometimes it's a surprise when someone we know begins behaving out of character or engages in self-destructive behavior. It is often scary.
I hope his death was not in vain. There is good that comes from every tragedy, and if a person suffering with a mental health condition can get appropriate treatment and live, then this gentleman's death was not in vain. But he will be missed for all he did for his community. Rest in peace.
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Seeing the Beauty Again for the First Time
I think it's time again for a reminder that this blog is about my journey - my experience of coming to terms with my humanity while knowing that I am an infinite spiritual being. Because mental health and substance use disorder has been a major part of my life, these topics are the majority of what I write about. However, I want to note here that what I write about is my recovery and my journey - this isn't the gospel according to Ken; it's more like taking a look inside my head at the squirrels and other creatures that exist up there, and seeing if Ken can actually master this three ring circus. So, if something I write touches your heart or affects you positively, awesome! And if it doesn't, don't worry, it's ok, simply move on. But I appreciate all who read my blog, so thank you. Now, please enjoy today's topic:
Recently I've noticed an upswing in my enjoyment of life. One of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, or lack of interest in life in general. I was walking today in my back yard (Frame Park and the Riverwalk) and I took some pictures and noticed how pretty everything is. This is a phenomenon; usually winter time, with only a few exceptions, is a long, gray, yuck. Lately, it hasn't been, even with some atrocious weather.
I feel grangry - grateful and angry. And I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance, mainly because I think too much it's a challenge to accept the gifts I have without looking them over and scrupulously studying them.
I feel grateful for enjoying life again. I feel angry at myself, because I lived in the 'gray zone' for so long, even in recovery. I could have gone to any provider and said, "I'm still not enjoying life like I think I could." I did not do that. I toughed it out and tried to change things on my own, instead of going to my support system and saying, "Something isn't quite right." I allowed myself to stay too close to the bottom of the hill.
What's done is done, and I must accept it or suffer the consequences of regret and guilt. However, I can learn from this, I hope.
So what happened is that I surrendered to psychiatry. For those who are unaware, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor (in other words, has had the same pre-med and medical training that every other medical doctor has had) and the psychiatrist has chosen psychiatry as their specialty. Although during the past few months I've met 4 psychiatrists that I actually like, I, for the most part, do not like psychiatrists. Most aren't interested in listening, and most seem interested only in pushing the latest pharmaceutical, and 'f#@k you if it doesn't work for you' (sorry). So this time I have a psychiatrist who listens to me and who I can tell has an interest in helping me get better. He's also an addictionologist. A psychiatrist's role on the treatment team of a person with a mental health condition is mainly to prescribe medication for that person that will be one facet of helping to alleviate the symptoms that person is experiencing. My current doctor has prescribed well for me, and I am currently on 4 medications. I have noticed that I'm way more engaged with life and with people than I have been for a long time. So, what my doctor is doing is working.
And here is where the cognitive dissonance comes in - as I wrote in a recent post, The Challenge of Medication, I want to believe that I can enjoy this life without using pharmaceuticals. The addict in me, still alive and well, thinks that changing the way I feel with chemicals is just fine. I appease the addict in me by using a lot of natural supplements; some of them actually do stuff, and others are just placebos. So the medication is working and part of me isn't accepting that.
Many people responded to the previous post about medication, and some mentioned that they wouldn't be here today if it weren't for medication. Some mentioned that God has provided us with scientists and doctors so that we can live better lives. I believe that, yet I don't want to be dependent upon doctors and scientists and their medications. And that's my sticking point - I'm doing what I don't want to do and it's working. I'll look for a way of getting over it, or accepting what is.
Back to seeing the beauty - as a result of being able to see it again, and as a result of having a phone with a fairly nice camera, I've been able to really enjoy my surroundings and share it with others. I remember one time in the 90's, I was trying to escape myself by driving a stolen car cross-country. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I went through Utah, and I knew in my head that the landscape was incredibly and stunningly beautiful, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't absorb it. Today I can feel and absorb the beauty around me, and when I'm doing it, it doesn't really matter how I'm doing it - whether it's the medication, or just me enjoying my surroundings. But life is a lot richer today, and I cannot deny the positive effect that proper medication is making in my life. Is it real? Everything I experience is real, so yes it is real. In the future, I may experience my surroundings in a different way, but it'll still be real. My prayer is my surroundings will be as beautiful or more beautiful than they are today.
Namasté,
Ken
Recently I've noticed an upswing in my enjoyment of life. One of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, or lack of interest in life in general. I was walking today in my back yard (Frame Park and the Riverwalk) and I took some pictures and noticed how pretty everything is. This is a phenomenon; usually winter time, with only a few exceptions, is a long, gray, yuck. Lately, it hasn't been, even with some atrocious weather.
I feel grangry - grateful and angry. And I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance, mainly because I think too much it's a challenge to accept the gifts I have without looking them over and scrupulously studying them.
I feel grateful for enjoying life again. I feel angry at myself, because I lived in the 'gray zone' for so long, even in recovery. I could have gone to any provider and said, "I'm still not enjoying life like I think I could." I did not do that. I toughed it out and tried to change things on my own, instead of going to my support system and saying, "Something isn't quite right." I allowed myself to stay too close to the bottom of the hill.
What's done is done, and I must accept it or suffer the consequences of regret and guilt. However, I can learn from this, I hope.
So what happened is that I surrendered to psychiatry. For those who are unaware, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor (in other words, has had the same pre-med and medical training that every other medical doctor has had) and the psychiatrist has chosen psychiatry as their specialty. Although during the past few months I've met 4 psychiatrists that I actually like, I, for the most part, do not like psychiatrists. Most aren't interested in listening, and most seem interested only in pushing the latest pharmaceutical, and 'f#@k you if it doesn't work for you' (sorry). So this time I have a psychiatrist who listens to me and who I can tell has an interest in helping me get better. He's also an addictionologist. A psychiatrist's role on the treatment team of a person with a mental health condition is mainly to prescribe medication for that person that will be one facet of helping to alleviate the symptoms that person is experiencing. My current doctor has prescribed well for me, and I am currently on 4 medications. I have noticed that I'm way more engaged with life and with people than I have been for a long time. So, what my doctor is doing is working.
And here is where the cognitive dissonance comes in - as I wrote in a recent post, The Challenge of Medication, I want to believe that I can enjoy this life without using pharmaceuticals. The addict in me, still alive and well, thinks that changing the way I feel with chemicals is just fine. I appease the addict in me by using a lot of natural supplements; some of them actually do stuff, and others are just placebos. So the medication is working and part of me isn't accepting that.
Many people responded to the previous post about medication, and some mentioned that they wouldn't be here today if it weren't for medication. Some mentioned that God has provided us with scientists and doctors so that we can live better lives. I believe that, yet I don't want to be dependent upon doctors and scientists and their medications. And that's my sticking point - I'm doing what I don't want to do and it's working. I'll look for a way of getting over it, or accepting what is.
Back to seeing the beauty - as a result of being able to see it again, and as a result of having a phone with a fairly nice camera, I've been able to really enjoy my surroundings and share it with others. I remember one time in the 90's, I was trying to escape myself by driving a stolen car cross-country. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I went through Utah, and I knew in my head that the landscape was incredibly and stunningly beautiful, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't absorb it. Today I can feel and absorb the beauty around me, and when I'm doing it, it doesn't really matter how I'm doing it - whether it's the medication, or just me enjoying my surroundings. But life is a lot richer today, and I cannot deny the positive effect that proper medication is making in my life. Is it real? Everything I experience is real, so yes it is real. In the future, I may experience my surroundings in a different way, but it'll still be real. My prayer is my surroundings will be as beautiful or more beautiful than they are today.
Namasté,
Ken
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