More on acceptance. Acceptance is such an important quality to have for recovery from probably any condition, but especially for recovery from a mental health condition (including addiction). Acceptance is a hard concept to define, to say exactly what it is. I can tell you what it looks like, and I can tell you what it doesn't look like. I can tell you when I am in acceptance and when I'm not. But I can't define it perfectly, and each person's path to acceptance looks different for each person.
I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.
Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.
Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.
Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.
And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.
So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.
There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.
In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.
I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.
And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.
So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Yes, I Can!
As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Moving from Non-Resistance to Acceptance
Non-resistance is the precursor to acceptance. Acceptance is important to recovery from addiction and recovery from mental health conditions. Additionally, acceptance is important for peace of mind for anyone, and is a requirement for spiritual growth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to grow spiritually and still complain (inwardly or outwardly) about the things I find less-than-acceptable in my life or in myself.
Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.
When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.
After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance.
Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing.
Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.
Namaste,
Ken
Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.
When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.
After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance.
Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing.
Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Let Freedom Ring
In my last post, I wrote a bit about building my own prison, and how, if I've constructed the walls that keep me from living a joyous and abundant life, then I also have the power to deconstruct those walls.
I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.
I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.
I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.
The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.
This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.
So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me:
(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear.
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.
And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.
So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.
Namaste,
Ken
I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.
I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.
I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.
The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.
This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.
So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me:
(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear.
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.
And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.
So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Prison
I haven't written a lot about prison. I don't know why, other than I don't feel prison adversely affected me any more or less than any other experience I've had. I crossed out 'or less' because I still believe my years in primary and secondary education were worse than my years in prison. Of course, I spent 12.5 years in school before I became an 'adult', and I've spent only 5 years of my life incarcerated in jails and prisons.
I got in more fights in school than I did in prison.
For those of you who are curious, I have five felonies on my record, and I have done prison time for 3 of them. I have a bad check over $1000, 3 automobile thefts, and the theft of a large amount of money (theft, not robbery - I didn't take it by force).
I don't steal things anymore. I was a thief before I ever started using alcohol. The alcohol use made me a better and bolder thief. Looking at it today, the reason I no longer steal anything is because I truly believe that I already have, or at least can acquire, everything I need today. If I want something I don't have, I can either work for it, ask for it, or decide that it's just a want, not a need.
I also don't steal anymore because I've reached a level of self-respect that stealing doesn't jibe with. I learned during the time that I was self-employed that if I can get out of bed in the morning, get dressed, and get out in the world, I can make a living. (I would like to explore that more, because I have this nagging idea that I can probably legally make an even better living than I'm making now).
When I was a youngster, I thought I might like to be in the military; however, because I had lost my eye at age 11, I was ineligible for military service. I know today that I wouldn't have been any better off for being in the military, and, because of my experience with prison, I have no desire to sleep in a barracks with a bunch of other men. Just one of those things.
I learned a few valuable things in prison:
1. Nobody is a [put your favorite crime here] all of the time. The men with whom I shared the prison experience were all human beings with varied traits. If one were to meet most of them on the streets today, one would not know they were ex-convicts.
2. Most of the men in prison are addicts, alcoholics, or have a mental health condition that was existing before they got to prison.
3. Most of the men in prison, no matter their chronological age, have an emotional age of around adolescence. It seems like impulse control is a big issue.
4. I learned many positive people skills in prison. During my entire time of incarceration, I was in no fights, and I got punched once - and that was my fault. I learned to choose my battles, and I learned that most everybody is filled with fear - from the biggest thug to the smallest guy there. Prison is a fear driven place.
5. There are very few atheists in prison.
6. Prison is easier, and sometimes safer, thanreal life life on the outside.
7. A responsibility-free life (prison) is not enriching.
And, the three most important things I learned in prison are:
I built these walls. I've spent time in a few prisons in Kansas. Two of the state prisons, Lansing and Hutchinson, were built back in the days when inmates were used to build prisons. One day I was standing in the yard at Hutchinson Correctional Facility and looking at its 30-foot stone walls, and I thought about the men who built them. And then it hit me - I built these walls. One of the most freeing ideas I can utilize is that if I feel trapped or imprisoned, it's because of my thinking and actions. And, if my thinking is powerful enough to imprison me, it must be powerful enough to free me. All I have to do is learn how.
My time in prison was just another work-around to try to cover up my inability to handle life. Very simply put, it was easier for me to commit a crime and let the state or county take care of me than it was for me to take care of myself. I simply got tired of living that way. I haven't found myself incarcerated since April, 2002.
Prison is a big waste of time and money and life. Most people come out of prison worse for the experience. Some don't. Many inmates spend time day after day after day doing nothing but watching TV or playing games. There is, relatively, very little rehabilitation or meaningful work. Prison breaks up families. Prison is one of the methods our society uses to deal with people and problems we don't want to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind. The only time we think about prisoners is when someone is on trial and about to go in, or when someone who has committed a heinous crime is about to get out. The rest of the time, there are thousands of human beings who are forgotten. That is a waste. No human being was created to be imprisoned. Instead of looking at criminals and saying, "What is wrong with those people," we might be better served as a whole by saying, "What happened to this person that s/he is leading this kind of life? What can be done to help them heal?" When we truly begin to believe that each and every life matters, and to understand that those who engage in hurtful behavior are more sick that wrong, we will begin to find answers. There truly is no need to waste human life.
I am grateful for my prison experience. That may sound odd, but I have appreciated life more AP (after prison) than BP (before prison). Most people know they don't want to be locked up. I know I don't want to be locked up and I know why. I know what it's like to come out the other side and not only survive, but thrive. I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced incarceration. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, onward and upward. If you've made it this far, thanks!
Namaste,
Ken
I got in more fights in school than I did in prison.
For those of you who are curious, I have five felonies on my record, and I have done prison time for 3 of them. I have a bad check over $1000, 3 automobile thefts, and the theft of a large amount of money (theft, not robbery - I didn't take it by force).
I don't steal things anymore. I was a thief before I ever started using alcohol. The alcohol use made me a better and bolder thief. Looking at it today, the reason I no longer steal anything is because I truly believe that I already have, or at least can acquire, everything I need today. If I want something I don't have, I can either work for it, ask for it, or decide that it's just a want, not a need.
I also don't steal anymore because I've reached a level of self-respect that stealing doesn't jibe with. I learned during the time that I was self-employed that if I can get out of bed in the morning, get dressed, and get out in the world, I can make a living. (I would like to explore that more, because I have this nagging idea that I can probably legally make an even better living than I'm making now).
When I was a youngster, I thought I might like to be in the military; however, because I had lost my eye at age 11, I was ineligible for military service. I know today that I wouldn't have been any better off for being in the military, and, because of my experience with prison, I have no desire to sleep in a barracks with a bunch of other men. Just one of those things.
I learned a few valuable things in prison:
1. Nobody is a [put your favorite crime here] all of the time. The men with whom I shared the prison experience were all human beings with varied traits. If one were to meet most of them on the streets today, one would not know they were ex-convicts.
2. Most of the men in prison are addicts, alcoholics, or have a mental health condition that was existing before they got to prison.
3. Most of the men in prison, no matter their chronological age, have an emotional age of around adolescence. It seems like impulse control is a big issue.
4. I learned many positive people skills in prison. During my entire time of incarceration, I was in no fights, and I got punched once - and that was my fault. I learned to choose my battles, and I learned that most everybody is filled with fear - from the biggest thug to the smallest guy there. Prison is a fear driven place.
5. There are very few atheists in prison.
6. Prison is easier, and sometimes safer, than
7. A responsibility-free life (prison) is not enriching.
And, the three most important things I learned in prison are:
I built these walls. I've spent time in a few prisons in Kansas. Two of the state prisons, Lansing and Hutchinson, were built back in the days when inmates were used to build prisons. One day I was standing in the yard at Hutchinson Correctional Facility and looking at its 30-foot stone walls, and I thought about the men who built them. And then it hit me - I built these walls. One of the most freeing ideas I can utilize is that if I feel trapped or imprisoned, it's because of my thinking and actions. And, if my thinking is powerful enough to imprison me, it must be powerful enough to free me. All I have to do is learn how.
My time in prison was just another work-around to try to cover up my inability to handle life. Very simply put, it was easier for me to commit a crime and let the state or county take care of me than it was for me to take care of myself. I simply got tired of living that way. I haven't found myself incarcerated since April, 2002.
Prison is a big waste of time and money and life. Most people come out of prison worse for the experience. Some don't. Many inmates spend time day after day after day doing nothing but watching TV or playing games. There is, relatively, very little rehabilitation or meaningful work. Prison breaks up families. Prison is one of the methods our society uses to deal with people and problems we don't want to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind. The only time we think about prisoners is when someone is on trial and about to go in, or when someone who has committed a heinous crime is about to get out. The rest of the time, there are thousands of human beings who are forgotten. That is a waste. No human being was created to be imprisoned. Instead of looking at criminals and saying, "What is wrong with those people," we might be better served as a whole by saying, "What happened to this person that s/he is leading this kind of life? What can be done to help them heal?" When we truly begin to believe that each and every life matters, and to understand that those who engage in hurtful behavior are more sick that wrong, we will begin to find answers. There truly is no need to waste human life.
I am grateful for my prison experience. That may sound odd, but I have appreciated life more AP (after prison) than BP (before prison). Most people know they don't want to be locked up. I know I don't want to be locked up and I know why. I know what it's like to come out the other side and not only survive, but thrive. I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced incarceration. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, onward and upward. If you've made it this far, thanks!
Namaste,
Ken
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