I may have written about this before. I've been here before, sort of, so it's not necessarily new, but it still is amazing to me.
Twenty-one months or so ago, I gave up. I quit. I surrendered. My diseases had won - I was unable to function at any useful level. I was sick in body, mind, and spirit, and I was an abject failure - bankrupt in every sense of the word. So I agreed to do what was suggested to me. Why not? I had absolutely nothing left to lose.
In my previous attempts at recovery, and there have been many, I did what was suggested, if I felt it was a good idea, if it was in line with my thinking, and if it was convenient and did not impinge too much on my sense of self. Over the years, because of the negative consequences of my disorders, I became more and more willing to do more and more to recover. What I never, ever gave up before was my control over my life. Yes, I had consultants, and I even had a higher power that I consulted from time to time, but, in the end, I made choices based on what I felt was best for me, and, for me back then, the best I could do was protect myself. Above all else, my view of who I was and what I was about, no matter how flawed I was, must be protected, and any idea that threatened that protection was discarded.
When I began what I now call Total Recovery, I did not care anymore. I didn't care about living. I felt that I would never be able to live on my own, and I felt I would never be able to hold a job or do anything productive. I was so empty that I couldn't even commit a crime that would have landed me in prison, which would have been a good place for someone like me. I had nothing left inside. And, in order for me to recover, that's exactly where I needed to be.
"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." (Janis Joplin). I adopted an attitude of non-resistance, which I wrote about in an earlier post. I was able to release judgment about my life and what was happening to me. I was homeless, jobless, in IOP (intensive outpatient treatment), and I neither liked nor disliked any of it. It just was. From that non-resistance grew acceptance, and I felt a glimmer of hope - life was happening, and I was still ok. Lots of other things began to happen, which I won't detail right now. The point is that my life was moving in a direction, and I wasn't resisting it at all.
Soon I found myself experiencing things that I had not experienced before in my life. Four months into my recovery, I became self-supporting and began to learn how to be responsible for my life. This was something that was new to me, and potentially scary. But I continued to allow myself to be led.
And that's what I mean by being out on a limb. I'm experiencing things in my life that I've never experienced before, at least not in the way that I'm experiencing them. I'm embracing life, instead of trying to escape life. I feel more whole and authentic than I've ever felt before, but I keep expanding and moving forward. I'm finding out who I am.
And the point, for me, of being out on a limb is two-fold: I must rely upon my Higher Power, because I'm in uncharted territory; additionally, the past 21 months of Total Recovery give me faith and courage to keep going in the direction that I'm headed.
I've still got things to let go of - old thought patterns, beliefs, and habits which no longer serve me. But I look at it differently today - I look at it as an adventure. And I've still got nothin' left to lose.
Namaste,
Ken
