Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson One: Isolated Incidents

Since I'm off work for the next 10 days (at least), I plan on using part of the time off to daily write in my blog. I am fortunate to be in a position at my job to learn wonderful lessons about how my mind works (and doesn't, sometimes) as well as strategies to flow through each day more effectively and with more peace and happiness. So I'm going to share some important things I've learned/am learning along the way at work.

Isolated Incidents 

Through practicing the 2nd and 4th foundations of Wise Mindfulness, I have begun to become skillful in noticing situations in which my mind, my thinking, can cause me suffering. The 2nd foundation of Wise Mindfulness is paying attention to feeling tones, or "noticing the emotional tone - pleasure or displeasure - that comes with every sensation, even when the sensation is a thought [emphasis added]." (Recovery Dharma, p. 45) The 4th foundation of Wise Mindfulness is mindfulness of mental objects: "we begin to simply notice when a thought arises, being aware of it without judgment or evaluation [emphasis added], and allowing it to pass away without holding onto it and without creating a story out of it [emphasis added]." (RD p. 46) Having a consistent meditation practice gives me the insight and power to actually notice when single thoughts arise and be able to let them go. How well I do it depends upon my intention and my mood.

So, at work, a lot of stuff happens. It's bound to happen - we sell thousands of products to hundreds of customers every day. For months and months I thought there was a chance that I could get ahead of the game, at least in my own little arena. I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed or at least anxious and frustrated. And when something would happen, like a spill to clean up, or something ordered didn't show up, or yesterday's work still needs to be done today - when something happened, it often fed the sick-but-not-yet-dead belief that it happened because I'm a bad person, and this would color, in a negative way, my thoughts and feelings toward myself and toward my job. 

I recently began treating, in my mindful mind, a lot of the stuff that would happen as isolated incidents. If there was a spill to clean up, I began focusing on thoughts about cleaning up the spill, and let go of the thoughts that were blaming, the thoughts about inconsiderate people, the thoughts about poor packaging design - all the stories I'd tell myself about why this event happened. The thoughts and feelings surrounding my stories in my head are negative and cause unhappiness. The thoughts and feelings surrounding simply doing what is mine to do (clean up a mess in my department) are neutral to positive thoughts and feelings. It's a really simple concept that took me years and years to get. I can use it anywhere - when I walk in the bathroom at home, and discover someone else used all the toilet paper and did not replace it, I can get irritated about irresponsible inconsiderate people with whom I'm living, which only serves to make me unhappy, or I can do what I need to do to take care of my own business, and leave feeling neutral or even happy. That's really letting s#&! go!

Now the fact of the matter is that these really aren't isolated incidents. Everything that happens has something behind it - the spill on the floor, the absent roll of toilet paper - but it's still just an incident. Very often, there is little to nothing I can do about the causes of any incident that occurs in my life. It's not necessarily random stuff happening, but it's not necessarily my stuff either. It's just stuff. What is important is my response to the stuff. And I am learning to apply what I know so that stuff that happens to me and around me doesn't give me cause to feel not good enough, less than, or deserving of shit. I am learning to remove the substance, the story-telling, the so-called evidence, that fuels beliefs that no longer serve me. I am learning to no longer feed these beliefs with a storyline that validates their existence.

I had really come to hate my job, which in turn fueled  abdominal issues. Through doing this practice, I recognize that there are parts of my job that I like, and parts that I really don't like at all. There are parts of my job that I really have no desire to deal with anymore - I am beginning to believe I can use my gifts, talents, and time in another pursuit that will put me in a position to be a more effective human being. Which is a much better way of saying, "F^#$ this place, I'm outta here!" The truth is that in any endeavor, I'll find aspects that I like and aspects that I don't like. In my present job, I am valued, and I am of service, and I am good at a number of tasks that are mine to do; however, after practicing this exercise enough, I recognize that these isolated incidents are not something I want to experience as much of (or at all) in my work life, so I'm currently keeping my eye open for opportunities to utilize my gifts and experience in a more skillful and effective way.

Thank you for reading. The next lesson will be My Best Is Good Enough!

Namasté,

Ken

Infinite Possibility

One of the foundations of my recovery from alcoholism/addiction and major depression is the belief that things can get better, and it must be a sustainable belief – a belief that can stand against the winds of chaos and disorder that come and go throughout life. Whether I’ve been in recovery or out of recovery, alcoholism and depression have been the dominant factors running my life. In early recovery, I needed the hope that ‘things’ could get better, and they did – but the hope I received in early recovery was not sustainable when I began to again experience the natural ups and downs of life. Simply being alcohol/drug free and relatively depression free at times did not suddenly give me the qualities of resilience, persistence, and wisdom; in other words, brief respites from my illness did not give me the ability to handle that which I never knew how to adequately handle before. I needed more – a lot more. I hope to share through the next few paragraphs how glimmers of hope in my life evolved into some faith, then belief, and then into a deep knowing – a deep knowing that not only is recovery very possible, but also that life is good, I have a place in this life, and that the Universe supports not only my journey in recovery, but my journey to my highest good. Might be a bit much for just a few paragraphs, but we’ll give it a try and see what happens.

My life has been all about alcoholism and mental illness. I have started and stopped recovery more times than I can probably remember. But there have been positive constants throughout as well, and the two major ones are hope and good people. There have always been angels who have shown up to guide me back to a place of hopefulness, where I could get back on the path toward wellness. Sometimes my angels wore badges and sidearms; often they wore stethoscopes and scrubs; but most just wore plain clothes and caring hearts. In early recovery, we look to people and things outside ourselves to help or make ourselves get better. That’s a good start, but today I believe that eventually I must find my recovery from within, if I am going to reside permanently in recovery. The thing that held me back for so many years was the fear of looking within. I knew that I could not bear to take a good honest look at the ugliness and darkness that was within me. I knew that examining my insides would overwhelm me and kill me. Hope is a nice thing, a great thing sometimes, but it was never big enough or strong enough to break through that wall.

My hope had to turn into faith – some sort of faith that somebody or something could help me. I developed a faith in institutions, such as the mental health industry and mutual aid recovery organizations. I also developed a spiritual faith, and my mainline for that was through New Thought Christianity organizations – specifically Unity and Religious Science/Science of Mind. My involvement with these organizations, and my independent spiritual studies, were helpful in offering me a different, better, more positive outlook on myself, life, and the Universe. However, despite all my involvement over the years with spiritual people and spiritual organizations, I was not able to develop a faith that worked for me in the long run. As I mentioned in my post Life Doesn't Get Any Better, I had (still have!) tons of helpful knowledge and experience that never traversed the 18” distance from my head to my heart. My faith was head-faith – intellectually, I know that we live in a Universe that supports Life. It’s that simple, really. We would not be here if the Universe didn’t support Life. But when that head faith tried to turn into heart faith, it always ran into the wall of existing belief, and could not get over it or through it.

That existing belief was built, as all our existing beliefs are, in childhood through various learning experiences. My existing belief (and please forgive me for beating a thankfully dead horse) was that I was bad, I was defective, I was unlovable, and I wasn’t capable of being even close to good enough and I really didn’t deserve to live. Yes, the conscious part of my brain knew, knows, that that’s all complete bullshit. But the part of me (us) that matters, the part that governs up to 95% of my life choices, my subconscious, did not know that. (This is one of the reasons I’m an over-thinker – my conscious brain has had to race to keep up with my subconscious, and many times it just gave up).

So how was I able to begin breaking down that wall of existing belief, and begin the process of turning my intellectual knowing into a deep knowing that could actually serve me in life?

At the time, I wasn’t really aware of the process, but in retrospect, I see that I did begin to really understand that I’m at the end of the road.  I’m going to die soon, anyway, so what’s the point of protecting that dark ugliness within anymore? And I had the opportunity about two years ago in therapy to experience EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. EMDR is for those of us whose mental health has been adversely affected by traumatic experiences. Now the important part of this for me is I had and still have absolutely no idea how this stuff works – it’s a mystery to me. Every other therapy I’ve experienced I’ve been able to cognitively grasp – at one point or another, it made sense to me. I can’t cognitively explain why EMDR should work – but it did. It began to break through that subconscious, granite wall that was there, and I found myself beginning to be able to actually apply the other tools I had learned over the years to let myself heal. And because it’s still an absolute mystery to me, it began to clear the path from my head down to my heart. I have begun to replace the beliefs with which I started this lifetime with healthy beliefs. This, in turn, has instilled new hope and a stronger faith within me that no longer has to battle daily just to stay alive.

And because I am now beginning to clearly see and know that those initial beliefs – that dark, scary ugliness – is not the truth about me, I have less fear, more courage, and more reason to connect with others in a very real way – I am able to let others in and share the ugliness I see within when I need to. My last relapse gave me the courage to start developing real, honest connections with others. Let me tell you, there is a huge difference in me sharing my most vulnerable parts with loved ones whom I love, care about, and respect than there is with someone whom I pay to listen to me. I risk losing people I truly love and care about when I share those things within that make me want to lose myself. So far, nobody has kicked me to the curb for sharing that I am a less-than-perfect human being. In fact, it seems to me that every step I take toward being real actually draws others closer to me. Who knew?

To be clear, the damage I created in my life, in me, is not totally healed or repaired. Every day I must practice – I must use the tools I’ve learned and accepted in my heart in order to continue to heal. But the good news is that nowadays life is tons easier and more enjoyable than it was when I was struggling to stay ahead of a subconscious that just did not work anymore.

So that’s where Infinite Possibility comes from – if I am possible, and I certainly seem to be, then absolutely anything is possible, including you! When I listen to people telling me their challenges, my human mind wants to find ways to fix them, and often comes up short. Practical suggestions are great, and I openly share all I’ve learned in that regard; but when I listen with my heart and respond with love, support and encouragement, I help open the door for others to find where the answers truly are – inside.

Namasté,

Ken  

 

Recovery and Prescribed Medications

I had my consult today with the surgeon who will be repairing my hernia. I broke the first rule for those in substance use recovery in dealing with medical professionals (prescribers): I did not inform the doctor that I am in recovery from substance use disorder. I did let the nurse who later scheduled the surgery know that I didn't want any narcotic (opiate) prescriptions, but only after she mentioned that a prescription would be sent to my pharmacy to be picked up after surgery. It's not that I wasn't cognizant that this could be an issue; my thinking was that "I can take care of this myself; I don't need to let anyone know" (which breaks the 2nd rule of recovery - we don't do it alone). 

There is a protocol to be followed by those in recovery who have to deal with legitimately taking addictive medication:

• Inform your PCP that you are in recovery and do not want to be prescribed mood-altering or addictive medication unless absolutely necessary;
• Inform any other medical prescriber who may be caring for you;
• If your prescriber insists that you have to take medication which is potentially harmful to you, discuss your options with:
• Your prescriber
• Your sponsor, mentor, or recovery coach
• Your significant other or loved ones
  
• Others in recovery who have gone through similar experiences  
• If, after this, you decide that the medication is necessary for your overall well-being and healing, find someone who cares about your well-being to dispense your medication for you. Accountability is key.

By writing here, I am beginning the process of reversing my errors. I will follow the steps listed above. 

However, let me share my thoughts, feelings, and experience with this:

For my healthy recovery, I need to not only avoid addictive and mood-altering substances - I also need to avoid the behaviors associated with substance use, such as being sneaky and dishonest. Not wanting to tell anyone that I have been (or will be) prescribed dangerous-for-me drugs is sneaky, and some part of me gets some form of gratification from that. Not disclosing the whole truth to my medical care providers is dishonest, and I don't get gratification from that, but dishonesty can still be a go-to for me when I get afraid. It's important for me to be honest with myself about the whole picture.

I have never been physically addicted to opoids; I have, however, misused them, even while supposedly in recovery from alcoholism. It has been my experience that if I misuse any potentially mood-altering medication, I will eventually go back to my drug of choice (alcohol). This has been the experience of many others, as well.

One might ask, "Ken, why can't you just take the medication as prescribed, instead of misusing it?" And the answer is, to be honest, that I am not that far advanced to do so. The idea of getting a little taste of something that I used to get high from is not pleasing to me - it's like taking one drink, for which I have no desire. I've never had a desire for one, and only one, drink, oxycodone, brownie, or several other things. When I see a prescription that says, "Take 1 every 4 hours as needed" I see, "Take 4 every hour, and you need it." I would rather live with physical pain which I know to be temporary (and able to be alleviated with other methods) than the inner anguish of craving. When I was recently going through my intensely painful gastrointestinal issues, I was buying all sorts of over-the-counter stomach remedies, and rarely did I follow the usage instructions. (I also found that by over-medicating myself, without a physician's advice, that I was potentially creating more problems for myself than I was solving. I guess I still have stuff to work on!) So I really do not want to hand my prescription over to someone else and have them dole out the correct dosage for me - it would create more discomfort for me than it might alleviate. 

But this is why we discuss it with others, preferably those who have experience - there are some instances where treating the pain of whatever is going on is necessary for the healing process. In my particular case, I don't think I'll need to take anything more than NSAIDS (Ibuprofen, naproxen, meloxicam, etc) and acetominophen (Tylenol). I learned this from a dentist, who has encountered many patients who need to stay away from opiods - that alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol is effective. My surgery is going to be minimally invasive, I have a high physical pain tolerance, and I have the tool of meditation. I believe I can live with the physical pain and discomfort, but I will discuss it with others.

But why not trust solely upon what the doctor is saying? If you're in recovery from substance use disorder, you know the answer. If not, the answer is that most physicians are given about a day's education on substance use disorder and are unaware of the dangers to certain populations of certain medications. In general, pharmacists know more about pharmacology than physicians do, and are good resources to talk to about alternatives and possible drug interactions. 

Next question: "Why don't you simply resolve to avoid that which gives you trouble (wtf is wrong with you)?" Because by choice, genetics, or fate, I have a disorder which has hijacked the parts of my brain dealing with survival and choice. This is irreversible; I will never be able to drink like a gentleman (nor do I have any desire to do so). Additionally, I have created strong neural pathways (habits) in my brain which can't be eradicated overnight. The human brain creates these neural pathways for our survival - neural pathways are so that we don't have to consciously decide whether or not we're in danger each time we encounter a tiger in the woods. Neural pathways are why I still occasionally reach for my keys to unlock the door to my house even though we have a push-button lock, and I've lived here for 6 months. Neural pathways are great, except when we want or need to change something in our lives.

So yes, I am dead certain that alcohol and other mood-altering drugs are not good for my survival; but my subconscious, which isn't nearly as smart as I am, is not really aware of this. In fact, it still thinks they're probably ok. Yes, it's an aberration; yes, it's like lying down with the tiger even after it's eaten one of my hands and feet. So the freeway to hell still exists in my brain even though I haven't used substances for a while. It takes time, experience, and conscious decision making to let that freeway disappear. I have to experience triggers to use, and consciously tell myself a different story each time. This is why there is so much relapse in addiction, and why it is such a dangerous disorder - knowledge of our condition is not enough. We need to actually expect triggers and consciously re-do our thinking when we encounter them. Today was a trigger. I'm implementing manual override.

That which isn't understandable to people who have not experienced it can be understandable to those who have experienced it and approach it without shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It's called learning to live in the solution, rather than the problem. What can I consciously do today to ensure my survival, because I recognize that my subconscious (automatic thinking) probably won't do it for me. With practice, the process becomes an accepted way of living rather than an onerous burden.

I appreciate you reading this and being part of my recovery!

Namasté,

Ken