Thursday, February 16, 2017

Family (Affected Loved Ones)

Now that I work entirely in the field of mental health and addiction recovery, I find that I come into contact with the families and loved ones of those affected by mental health conditions/addictions as much, if not more, as the people experiencing the conditions themselves. I remember reading or hearing some statistic that a person's active alcoholism adversely affects 5 people in the alcoholic's life. So, if we just take a guess about that, we could see that a person who is experiencing active alcoholism might be affecting their parents, their children, their employer, their spouse or partner, and perhaps a close friend. If we expand our imagination a little further, we might see how the alcoholic, especially toward the end of their alcoholic journey, might affect others, such as health care professionals, emergency responders, and law enforcement personnel. And I write about alcoholism because it is that with which I'm most familiar. In actuality, any mental health condition can have a major impact not only on the person experiencing it first-hand, but on others in that person's life.

The point is that mental health conditions, including alcoholism and addiction, make everyone sick to some point. Who can watch someone we care for continue to behave in self-destructive ways and not be affected by that behavior ourselves? Even if there's a tangible reason for the behavior, such as a soldier or emergency responder experiencing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), it still hurts to see someone going through that. And very often, what hurts more is that the person experiencing the mental health condition is not always aware that their behavior hurts others.

I can share from my own experience that I was under the delusion that my maladaptive behavior affected only me. My conditions, alcoholism and major depressive order, caused me to isolate and be unconscious much of the time. Additionally, since I no longer cared about me, it was impossible for me to care about others in any real way. My experience is that alcoholism and depression are both very self-centered, self-consuming conditions. It seemed impossible to think of anything but my own misery and how to end it. (Fortunately, in recovery, I have regained the ability to care about others in my life. In fact, the thought that a relapse on my part would be hurtful to some in my life is part of what keeps me in recovery).

Over the past two years, and especially the past year, I have had a lot of contact with family members and friends of those experiencing mental health conditions. When asked for advice, my advice is always, "Save yourself first!" Of course, I usually say it in a much nicer way, but that's the general theme.

The issue that often comes up when someone hears this is the thought that, "Hey, I'm not the sick one. I haven't spent the last two weeks unable to get out of bed, or I don't use drugs/alcohol, or I still make it to work every day. They're the one with the problem! Tell me how to fix them!" Here's the real deal without mincing any words - Nobody can fix anybody but themselves. This is especially hard to grasp if the loved one in question is your child. "After all," you cry, "didn't I fix their scrapes when they fell growing up? Didn't I hold them when their tummy hurt and make it all better? Didn't I dry their tears when they were sad?" Yes, yes you did, and perhaps this is one of the drawbacks of being human - the person with whom we are so intimately connected is still an individual who has his/her own experiences to go through in their lifetime. After a certain time, no matter how much we might want to, we cannot control the events in another person's life.

"Ok, fine, maybe I can buy that. Their issues are their issues. Why do I need to save myself? I don't have their issues." And this may be true. However, any time we spend time, energy, and emotion on something we can't change or control, we make ourselves a little bit sick. Resistance or denial to what is makes anybody sick to some extent. The reason for this is that the loved one most often sees the effects of the condition, but rarely can see the cause. And, because mental health conditions tend to wipe out self-awareness, the person suffering may be unable to see the cause.

An example. Many, many people think alcoholics have drinking problems. It is well known that to a certain percentage of the population, alcohol is poison - they don't react well. But to this person, alcohol is not the problem, alcohol is the solution. If alcoholism were purely a physical allergy, one would treat it like one treats allergies to say, peanuts. Stay away from peanuts! And that's what most folks think about alcoholism/addiction - the person only gets sick or in trouble when they use the substance, so there'd be no more sickness/trouble if they wouldn't use the substance.

Correct - kind of. But alcoholism/addiction is not simply a physical allergy to a substance. The nature of addiction is that something in the brain is either organically different or has changed over time, making the person who has the addiction unable to act in their best interest concerning substance use. There is something going on in the mind of the alcoholic/addict that feels bad, and the brain tells the person that there is a substance that will fix it. This urge can be so overpowering to the person experiencing it that s/he will succumb to it even when the expected consequence of using is death.

Sometimes the loved one thinks they did something to cause the addiction or the mental health condition. This is not true at all. Mental health conditions are brain disorders. They often have environmental triggers; however, a person must be predisposed to the disorder in order to get it. Take two soldiers who fought in the same battle and survived. One goes on to fight some more, the other becomes incapacitated by PTSD. Is the one who survived both physically and mentally stronger or better than the other? Was he raised better? No. The one who survived mentally does not have the predisposition to PTSD. The one who did not survive does. The trauma was just the precipitating event - it brought to light what was already happening in the brain.

So what's a family member or loved one to do? Basically, it is this: 
1. get an understanding (education) what your loved one is really going through;
2. accept that you cannot change or cure them yourself;
3. accept that your living in this situation has not been healthy for you;
4. find out how to change your self so that you can remain sane and gain some peace of mind while fostering an environment that will invite the person with the condition to seek help. In other words, learn how to be supportive, both to yourself and the other person.

And how can one do this? These are the resources I know of that can be helpful in these situations (if you are reading this but aren't local to my area, seek out similar organizations in your locale):*
Al-Anon Family Groups (family/loved ones of alcoholics)
NAMI Basics (education)
NAMI Family to Family (education)
NAMI Support Groups

Again, the best advice for a loved one of someone with a mental health or substance abuse condition is to become the healthiest and most educated you can be so that you can be of support without sacrificing your own mental/emotional/physical health.

Namaste,

Ken

*Disclaimer: Even though I work for NAMI, I write this for myself. Additionally, there is more support out there than what I've got listed, but the above links will get you on the road.

Friday, February 3, 2017

True Poverty

When I began working for NAMI-Waukesha, I was asked to be on the board of the Housing Action Coalition for Waukesha County. The by-laws of the board require that one of the members be someone who is currently experiencing homelessness or has recently experienced homelessness. I've experienced homelessness a few times in my life, the most recent being May - September 2015, right here in Waukesha. Thankfully, as I progress in my recovery, I move further away from homelessness. I'm not sure exactly what my role is on the HAC other than to add my perspective. Because of this, I was introduced to the CAC, the Community Action Coalition, which deals specifically with poverty. I'm not sure (and perhaps I should be) what the actual government definition of poverty is, but I believe it has to do with a certain level of income, underemployment, lack of adequate housing, or inability to survive without public assistance.

I no longer meet the government definition of poor. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not living in poverty.

Many years ago, because both my parents worked, I was in day-care (this is before day care was commonplace). The very kind Catholic lady that took care of me and some other children also helped out the sick and the poor. One of the ladies she helped was morbidly obese, but my caretaker said she was suffering from malnutrition. I asked how that was, and was told that she ate nothing but potato chips, and one can't get all the nutrition they need from potato chips. I know, I've tried!

So, is true poverty lack? Lack of money, lack of decent housing, nutrition, clothing, etc? Or are those things simply evidence of true poverty?

This is today what I believe poverty is - it is the idea that what I need today can't be got by me. True poverty is a state of consciousness. I'm going to give one more anecdote, and then list the elements of true poverty.

It is my understanding that there is a person living in the 'richest' suburb of Milwaukee who has a fear every day of becoming homeless. I can kind of relate - I live in some relatively low-rent housing (it's a nice place, though), so it's easy for me to maintain my housing status. I would imagine that if I 'owned' a 1/2 million or million-dollar home, that I might be a little more worried about making the monthly mortgage. But what does one really have if their consciousness surrounding property ownership causes only fear?

So here is my definition of True Poverty:
Rarely, if ever, feeling I have enough and am enough. The belief that if someone takes away my property, or if I lose it through some catastrophe, my life will be over. A feeling of disconnect with and distrust of those around me. The belief that there is always a 'them', and I always need to be on my guard. The belief that I always have to watch my back, or I'll get screwed. The belief that I alone am the source of all I am or all I have, or the belief that my good comes from any human made, temporary thing, including a job, government, or religion. The belief that my bank account and investment portfolio is an accurate measure of my true worth. The constant urge to always acquire more - that nagging emptiness inside that leads me to look for food, sex, money, goods, education, social status, and approval. It's the feeling that I am lacking in any way, no matter how much or little I have materially, what my job is, or who is or isn't my mate.

My definition of Prosperity is a lot less complicated: I know that the Universe (God, Source, the Lord, HP) is my Creator and therefore I am connected. I am whole. I am safe, I am loved, I am protected. I am provided all I need today physically, emotionally, spiritually, and my task is to open my eyes more and more each day to this reality. My other task is to give of myself as much as I possibly can to make room inside of me for more. Everything, absolutely everything in my life is an outpicturing of my inner life; it is the effect, not the cause. So when I feel lack in any area, I must turn within if I want lasting satisfaction.

To put it really simply, the first definition I gave is called fear, the second called Love. Today I choose to live life in Love.

Namaste,

Ken

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Chaos Withdrawal

I have been going through something the past couple of months where I just don't feel right. Lately, it has manifested itself in a slight recurrence of depression symptoms - wanting to sleep, sleep, sleep, and dreading the future instead of looking forward to it. Fortunately, today I can look at my lack of enthusiasm and my lack of desire to become engaged with life as a symptom that something's not quite right rather than the way I used to look at those feelings - I used to feel like those feeling were the truth about me - that I was lazy and disinterested in life.

I think I know what part of it is - I recently changed my vocational activities. Previously, I had one full-time job at an inbound call center in Brookfield, and two part-time jobs in Waukesha. In January I released the call center job, and one of my other jobs became full-time. My call center job had hours all over the place, and I was always busy to some degree. Additionally, there were performance parameters at the call center job, and I had specific things to do with specific ways to do them. 

My new work schedule is pretty much 8:30 - 4:30 M-F, and then 8-4 Saturday and Sunday for my part-time job. Additionally, I have a lot more time on my hands, as the commute to either job is under 30 minutes each way. Way under, actually. That's pretty boring, very stable, not much to remember. 

I recently (yesterday) had a performance review at one of my jobs. It was excellent! I'm doing very well! Now if I can only convince myself! Neither of my current jobs have as many performance parameters as my old full-time job did. Certainly there are things at both jobs that I must do, but, for the most part, what I do each day and how I do it is largely determined by me, so long as it falls within my job descriptions and the policies and procedures of each of my employers. Other than the occasional emergency, there just isn't a lot of stress at either of my jobs. At my old full-time job, each day was stressful, but it was stress like exercise - like loading boxes onto a truck is stressful. When you're done for the day, you're done for the day.

So, that's great - I have plenty of stress-free work where I'm allowed to do stuff I enjoy and am good at. Great news! Unless I'm addicted to the cortisol created by daily stress - then it means I have to get used to a whole new way of life, and it might even (will be) uncomfortable.

"At the root of the addiction...is a reluctance to deal with ourselves on a deeper, more personal level. Cramming every moment of our lives with work, appointments and tasks means we don’t have to think about larger issues. And as it turns out, people will do almost anything to avoid themselves." Rachel Nuwer,  from the article I linked to.

So is that why my inner voice has been nudging me to meditate more, to exercise more, to make better use of my free time? Is that why my home is still disorganized, tho' I've lived there 2 months already? I may dream of a serenely creative life, but what does that really look like? I've never lived one of those before!

It's that big ugly word, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of responsibility. And all I know to overcome fear skillfully, is to consciously face it head on. To simply say, 'Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!' and to let the chips fall where they may. 

Pain is an indicator that something needs to change. My indicators usually come through psychic pain. I don't like pain, and chemicals no longer work to alleviate my pain (except those produced by exercise, which is a good thing, I think), so I am left with changing whatever needs to be changed so I can live pain free (one of the reasons that I don't take a lot of credit for 'how far' I've come - you'd get pretty far, too, if you had a big grizzly bear named Pain on your ass!).

Mentally, I have to wrap my thoughts around, "I am doing a good job. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing." The only one complaining about my performance is me.

So, as usual, it's all good - I simply have to accept it.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Namaste,

Ken