I've lived long enough now to have a couple or more "full-circle" experiences. That's where I look back and see that I'm in a very similar spot today as I was 20 or 30 years ago. These are neat experiences, because I can say today I'm doing things differently - I'm handling life more skillfully.
So, today's full-circle experience is this:
About 30 years ago, I was attending my 2nd university, and I got a job as a personal care attendant. I helped 3 students who had spinal cord injuries with some basic needs. I have forgotten exactly how I came to do this kind of work; I think it's because a friend of mine who was a survivor of polio turned me on to it. I'm going to note here that I didn't do the best job I could have - I was drinking from time to time at that time, and it interfered with me being on-call. I'm not that great at waking up and getting up when I'm sober; when I'm not sober, it can't be done at all.
I left my second university to enter into my second inpatient treatment for alcoholism. From treatment, I went to a halfway house. While I was at the halfway house, I secured a temporary position at a rehab/sheltered workshop for adults with TBI (traumatic brain injury) and developmental disabilities. I was an assistant to a man who had been injured in a car accident.
At the same facility I gained regular employment as a behavioral aide and a training instructor. I also began working for the county's developmental disabilities service agency - I was a CIA - a Community Integration Assistant. This was shortly after the Americans with Disabilities Act was passed, and the county in which I was living and working had group homes for adults who were previously institutionalized. One of the provisions of the ADA is that people with disabilities have the right to live in the least restrictive environment possible. Because of this, many people who had been confined to institutions were now living in CBRFs and group homes. My job was to take clients into the community for things like shopping or leisure time activities. It was a good part time job.
I was sober a lot of the time that I had these jobs, but there were times when I wasn't, and my drinking had a negative impact on my performance (which is a really nice way of saying that I was a f*#%-up when drinking).
The county agency for which I was working was bought by Lutheran Social Services, so, for a time, I was an employee. I quit in protest when they refused to hire the head of the agency they took over. At that time, I learned how effective quitting in protest is.
So, fast forward about 30 years - I am working for LSS again, as an Addictions Support Professional (something like that), and in January I will transition to full-time employment with NAMI as a Peer Program Assistant. Like my previous employment with non-profit agencies decades ago, I sort of fell into these jobs. Or was led into them. I haven't ever really consciously sought to do the type of work it seems I'm best at. My conscious brain (aka 'little me') wants to make a lot of money and have a position the seems prestigious to others. However, today I learn to listen less to 'little me' and more to my heart, which seems to know what it's doing.
A really nice thing is that I get to make amends, in a way. I'm a much better servant today of those who need serving that I've ever been before in my life. And today I am a trusted and reliable employee. That's one of the greatest blessings of full-circles - the chance to do things differently.
Namaste,
Ken
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
Another Milestone
Today I celebrate 18 months of recovery from alcoholism and depression.
We celebrate milestones in recovery because, well, we just do. Each and every day I work at (sometimes play at) relapse prevention, and that's what a lot of recovery is - staying away from the next drink, or the next emotional or mental relapse. Learning how to live life on life's terms. Learning how to get along with myself and with others. Learning how to recognize and utilize my Higher Power. Learning how to live.
Milestones give us a chance to reflect back whence we came. I told my spiritual advisor this evening that I couldn't have even imagined being where I'm at today 18 months ago. And I certainly didn't have my eye on today 18 months ago - I had my eye on getting through this morning, this afternoon, this evening. I still don't think too far ahead - I don't seem to be too well equipped to do that yet.
Milestones also give us a chance to let others know that they can recover, too. If I can do it, surely you can. Milestones are also the only objective measurement tool we have for recovery. I can measure the amount of time definitely between now and the last time I used alcohol or another mood-altering drug. In other words, I can say that I have abstained from alcohol for 18 months, but I'd be lying if I told you that I've been perfect in every other way since then as well. I will let you know that my character defects and maladaptive beliefs, which fueled my drinking and my mental illness, have lessened quite a bit, but they're still there.
The basic ingredients to recovery are still the same: surrender, humility, and willingness, borne out of desperation; then honesty, openmindedness, acceptance, faith, perseverance, and service to others. These basic ingredients have to be in my recovery 'cocktail', but the amounts vary from day to day.
Lastly, I want to let you know how grateful I am for you. Your presence, your support, your encouragement, your patience and compassion, and your kind words have saved this life, and I thank you.
Namaste,
Ken
We celebrate milestones in recovery because, well, we just do. Each and every day I work at (sometimes play at) relapse prevention, and that's what a lot of recovery is - staying away from the next drink, or the next emotional or mental relapse. Learning how to live life on life's terms. Learning how to get along with myself and with others. Learning how to recognize and utilize my Higher Power. Learning how to live.
Milestones give us a chance to reflect back whence we came. I told my spiritual advisor this evening that I couldn't have even imagined being where I'm at today 18 months ago. And I certainly didn't have my eye on today 18 months ago - I had my eye on getting through this morning, this afternoon, this evening. I still don't think too far ahead - I don't seem to be too well equipped to do that yet.
Milestones also give us a chance to let others know that they can recover, too. If I can do it, surely you can. Milestones are also the only objective measurement tool we have for recovery. I can measure the amount of time definitely between now and the last time I used alcohol or another mood-altering drug. In other words, I can say that I have abstained from alcohol for 18 months, but I'd be lying if I told you that I've been perfect in every other way since then as well. I will let you know that my character defects and maladaptive beliefs, which fueled my drinking and my mental illness, have lessened quite a bit, but they're still there.
The basic ingredients to recovery are still the same: surrender, humility, and willingness, borne out of desperation; then honesty, openmindedness, acceptance, faith, perseverance, and service to others. These basic ingredients have to be in my recovery 'cocktail', but the amounts vary from day to day.
Lastly, I want to let you know how grateful I am for you. Your presence, your support, your encouragement, your patience and compassion, and your kind words have saved this life, and I thank you.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Becoming Better Organized - Part I
This is related to my last post. I recognize that if I want to succeed in my current vocational pursuits, I will have to become a little more focused, and a lot more organized.
And I'm not sure if it's going to be 'more organized' or 'less spontaneous'. You see, as noted in an earlier post, one of the trademarks of those experiencing alcoholism and/or addiction is that we have our operating system reversed. So-called 'normal' people make most of their decisions based on intellect over emotion. Alcoholics and addicts get to the point in our lives where our emotions run the show. The way I feel is my top priority. That's not a skillful way to operate in life, and it takes daily practice to get back to the understanding that if I take the right actions, eventually my emotions will follow suit, and I'll get them under control. I got very used to controlling the way I feel by dabbling in chemicals or in certain behaviors (eating, shopping, etc.) that alter my mood. This makes my life unmanageable, and to turn that around I need to begin to take skillful actions no matter what my feelings are saying. So, that's really a lot of what I do each day - practice acknowledging what I'm feeling, and then practice doing the next right thing anyway.
There's also a part of me - a big part, admittedly - that fears organization. There's a part of me that prefers chaos over order. (Note: people who have grown up experiencing abuse have a tendency to become addicted to the physical 'excitement' that abuse creates, and when the abuse is gone, can go through a withdrawal). There is something exciting about sleeping until 1 hour before work starts and seeing if I can make it on time. There is something exciting about jamming my schedule so tight that if something unexpected happens, I'm going to be late or miss a commitment. There is something exciting about wondering if someone is going to be pissed at me because I'm running late or missing a commitment. And there is something exciting about going to the store and seeing if my card will be accepted because I really don't know how much is in my account. Yes, I like living on the edge!
And this is one of the reasons that recovery from addiction is so much more that removing the addictive substance from my life. The drug is only partially responsible for creating the un-manageability in my life - the rest of the un-manageability is created by deeply ingrained thought processes, and, if I don't work on transforming my thought processes into something that works for me, I will return to using the substance.
I do not want to say that I am disorganized - I'm not. Saying 'I am disorganized' is untrue, it's a cop-out, and it's making me my own victim. I am organized. If I were disorganized, I'd be starving, needing a shower, wearing stinky clothes (if I were wearing clothes at all), with no place to live, and no job to go to. My life is organized well enough to live at the level at which I'm living now. But I desire to be healthier, more useful, more purposeful, more prosperous. In order to move in the direction of my desires, I need to increase my level of organization.
Now, if I were to write a list of all the ways in which I could be better organized, I would be overwhelmed and just not do it. There's too much stuff! All areas of my life could stand some improvement!
One of the areas of my life that seems to invite improvement is consistency. I know lots of good life practices. Tons. Practicing any of them consistently? Not so much. So perhaps I need to pick one or two things and start doing them consistently, and see what happens.
Here's where I'll admit something that is difficult for me to admit - I am not consistent with prayer and meditation. I pray daily, and I meditate daily, but I do it in different ways and at different times. Now, that's ok, and it's ok to pray and meditate whenever I get the chance. I don't need to stop doing that. But what's coming to me is that it would be helpful to have one set period of time each day to engage in reflection, prayer, and meditation. (This is not a new discovery folks).
So, what I am going to commit to, this one thing that I'm going to do to start down the road of becoming better organized, is to set aside a time each night that will be dedicated to quiet time with my Creator - prayer, meditation, and planning. Let's pick 10pm for starters (it's 10:14 right now, so I'm already late, but that's nothing new). The reason I'm picking night time is because my least productive time is when I wake up, and I happen to know, for myself, that how I go to bed heavily influences how I wake up. If I go to bed tired and pissed off, guess what? I wake up tired and pissed off. This might be why Jesus suggested not letting the sun go down on our anger - it makes for a crappy night's sleep, and when we wake up, we're still angry! Yesterday's problems today. Hmmph. Additionally, in the Hebrew tradition, the day actually starts at sunset, because, in the creation stories, the very first thing was darkness. And, if I start my day with prayer, meditation, planning, and 6-8 hours rest, it's bound to be a great day!
So there you have it. I'll start with that, and let you know how it goes.
I am grateful for the opportunity to think on paper, as it were - it's so much more helpful that swishing ideas around in my head.
Namaste,
Ken
And I'm not sure if it's going to be 'more organized' or 'less spontaneous'. You see, as noted in an earlier post, one of the trademarks of those experiencing alcoholism and/or addiction is that we have our operating system reversed. So-called 'normal' people make most of their decisions based on intellect over emotion. Alcoholics and addicts get to the point in our lives where our emotions run the show. The way I feel is my top priority. That's not a skillful way to operate in life, and it takes daily practice to get back to the understanding that if I take the right actions, eventually my emotions will follow suit, and I'll get them under control. I got very used to controlling the way I feel by dabbling in chemicals or in certain behaviors (eating, shopping, etc.) that alter my mood. This makes my life unmanageable, and to turn that around I need to begin to take skillful actions no matter what my feelings are saying. So, that's really a lot of what I do each day - practice acknowledging what I'm feeling, and then practice doing the next right thing anyway.
There's also a part of me - a big part, admittedly - that fears organization. There's a part of me that prefers chaos over order. (Note: people who have grown up experiencing abuse have a tendency to become addicted to the physical 'excitement' that abuse creates, and when the abuse is gone, can go through a withdrawal). There is something exciting about sleeping until 1 hour before work starts and seeing if I can make it on time. There is something exciting about jamming my schedule so tight that if something unexpected happens, I'm going to be late or miss a commitment. There is something exciting about wondering if someone is going to be pissed at me because I'm running late or missing a commitment. And there is something exciting about going to the store and seeing if my card will be accepted because I really don't know how much is in my account. Yes, I like living on the edge!
And this is one of the reasons that recovery from addiction is so much more that removing the addictive substance from my life. The drug is only partially responsible for creating the un-manageability in my life - the rest of the un-manageability is created by deeply ingrained thought processes, and, if I don't work on transforming my thought processes into something that works for me, I will return to using the substance.
I do not want to say that I am disorganized - I'm not. Saying 'I am disorganized' is untrue, it's a cop-out, and it's making me my own victim. I am organized. If I were disorganized, I'd be starving, needing a shower, wearing stinky clothes (if I were wearing clothes at all), with no place to live, and no job to go to. My life is organized well enough to live at the level at which I'm living now. But I desire to be healthier, more useful, more purposeful, more prosperous. In order to move in the direction of my desires, I need to increase my level of organization.
Now, if I were to write a list of all the ways in which I could be better organized, I would be overwhelmed and just not do it. There's too much stuff! All areas of my life could stand some improvement!
One of the areas of my life that seems to invite improvement is consistency. I know lots of good life practices. Tons. Practicing any of them consistently? Not so much. So perhaps I need to pick one or two things and start doing them consistently, and see what happens.
Here's where I'll admit something that is difficult for me to admit - I am not consistent with prayer and meditation. I pray daily, and I meditate daily, but I do it in different ways and at different times. Now, that's ok, and it's ok to pray and meditate whenever I get the chance. I don't need to stop doing that. But what's coming to me is that it would be helpful to have one set period of time each day to engage in reflection, prayer, and meditation. (This is not a new discovery folks).
So, what I am going to commit to, this one thing that I'm going to do to start down the road of becoming better organized, is to set aside a time each night that will be dedicated to quiet time with my Creator - prayer, meditation, and planning. Let's pick 10pm for starters (it's 10:14 right now, so I'm already late, but that's nothing new). The reason I'm picking night time is because my least productive time is when I wake up, and I happen to know, for myself, that how I go to bed heavily influences how I wake up. If I go to bed tired and pissed off, guess what? I wake up tired and pissed off. This might be why Jesus suggested not letting the sun go down on our anger - it makes for a crappy night's sleep, and when we wake up, we're still angry! Yesterday's problems today. Hmmph. Additionally, in the Hebrew tradition, the day actually starts at sunset, because, in the creation stories, the very first thing was darkness. And, if I start my day with prayer, meditation, planning, and 6-8 hours rest, it's bound to be a great day!
So there you have it. I'll start with that, and let you know how it goes.
I am grateful for the opportunity to think on paper, as it were - it's so much more helpful that swishing ideas around in my head.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Am I Up to It?
This post was originally titled New Job, but it's not about my new job - it's about whether or not I'm up to it.
Ever since I began recovery 18 months ago, I have been endeavoring to embrace life, knowing that my basic problem has been a fear of life in general. I've spent a lot of years finding various methods of getting through this lifetime without engaging or risking too much. Some methods seem to work better than others, but, in the end, I haven't been able to bypass life. Or, at least, bypass it and be able to live with myself. So I suppose I'm destined to embrace the sucker.
The way that I have been learning to embrace life is to face and accept what comes my way, whether I like it or not. I'm not perfect at it - there are still a lot of things I like avoiding, but I avoid them less often and for less time.
It had gotten to the point where I had run out of dreams. I remember when I was younger, I used to have dreams of being this and doing that. The problem is that my doubts always seemed to grow bigger than my dreams.
The last dream I had was to be self-employed, and I actually did it. Some may say I failed at it; I say I didn't. It's more like the Wright brothers' first flight - they didn't get very far nor very high, but they flew. Same with me. And I might do it again sometime.
But after my supposed failure I relapsed, and when I came to, I was out of dreams. I was out of goals, and, as I've written numerous times, I couldn't live and I couldn't die. It's that 'couldn't die' part that got me to where I am today. I had to try something, so I took the suggestions of well-meaning people around me.
And I got led into situations and circumstances that were scary and outside of my comfort zone, but I kept going, with the belief that if it's been presented to me, it must be mine to to do, and, if so, I am supported by the Universe in doing whatever it is. And this is why I am working for LSS and NAMI-Waukesha - neither of these jobs did I ask for or apply for - I was asked to work for them. It appears that I have talents for listening to people and dispensing recovery information. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics.
Today I received an offer for full-time employment at NAMI, and I accepted. This job was not on my bucket list. It's not something I've aspired to do, or even formally trained for. It's just that I have a lot of experience in what works (and what doesn't work) in recovery, and I enjoy sharing that experience and any wisdom I've gained along the way. So basically I'm getting paid for having a mental health condition. It's good work, if you can get it.
But there's other things that go along with the job at NAMI and the job at LSS that I'm not so sure about. It's not all chatting with folks. There are administrative tasks, committees to sit on, projects to participate in, reading and learning to do, etc. Both jobs are much more than coming in and following instructions. Sometimes I even have to make my own instructions. All of that is scary to me. I'm not practiced at this self-directed type stuff. I've been known to be paralyzed by fear over "do I do A, or do I do B?"
So what keeps me going? Lots of things. Everything that I've embraced over the past 18 months has so far worked out really well, so I've got some success under my belt. In fact, today I do feel successful. So I have faith that if I continue on, I'll continue to experience more success (although that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop is still alive - it's just quieter nowadays). As a result of my successes, I've been enjoying recovery more than I ever have before. And I know I must stay in recovery in order to do my jobs well. A big part of recovery, a huge part for me, is staying open and receptive to Spirit, and I recognize that anything good that comes out of me is God working through me. In and of myself, I'm just a depressed, suicidal drunk. When I open up and let my Higher Power in, the depressed, suicidal drunk is transformed into a useful human being. I do not know of a simpler way to put it.
So, a day at a time, with Spirit, and doing it with others, I would have to say, yes, I am up to it!
Namaste,
Ken
It had gotten to the point where I had run out of dreams. I remember when I was younger, I used to have dreams of being this and doing that. The problem is that my doubts always seemed to grow bigger than my dreams.
The last dream I had was to be self-employed, and I actually did it. Some may say I failed at it; I say I didn't. It's more like the Wright brothers' first flight - they didn't get very far nor very high, but they flew. Same with me. And I might do it again sometime.
But after my supposed failure I relapsed, and when I came to, I was out of dreams. I was out of goals, and, as I've written numerous times, I couldn't live and I couldn't die. It's that 'couldn't die' part that got me to where I am today. I had to try something, so I took the suggestions of well-meaning people around me.
And I got led into situations and circumstances that were scary and outside of my comfort zone, but I kept going, with the belief that if it's been presented to me, it must be mine to to do, and, if so, I am supported by the Universe in doing whatever it is. And this is why I am working for LSS and NAMI-Waukesha - neither of these jobs did I ask for or apply for - I was asked to work for them. It appears that I have talents for listening to people and dispensing recovery information. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics.
Today I received an offer for full-time employment at NAMI, and I accepted. This job was not on my bucket list. It's not something I've aspired to do, or even formally trained for. It's just that I have a lot of experience in what works (and what doesn't work) in recovery, and I enjoy sharing that experience and any wisdom I've gained along the way. So basically I'm getting paid for having a mental health condition. It's good work, if you can get it.
But there's other things that go along with the job at NAMI and the job at LSS that I'm not so sure about. It's not all chatting with folks. There are administrative tasks, committees to sit on, projects to participate in, reading and learning to do, etc. Both jobs are much more than coming in and following instructions. Sometimes I even have to make my own instructions. All of that is scary to me. I'm not practiced at this self-directed type stuff. I've been known to be paralyzed by fear over "do I do A, or do I do B?"
So what keeps me going? Lots of things. Everything that I've embraced over the past 18 months has so far worked out really well, so I've got some success under my belt. In fact, today I do feel successful. So I have faith that if I continue on, I'll continue to experience more success (although that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop is still alive - it's just quieter nowadays). As a result of my successes, I've been enjoying recovery more than I ever have before. And I know I must stay in recovery in order to do my jobs well. A big part of recovery, a huge part for me, is staying open and receptive to Spirit, and I recognize that anything good that comes out of me is God working through me. In and of myself, I'm just a depressed, suicidal drunk. When I open up and let my Higher Power in, the depressed, suicidal drunk is transformed into a useful human being. I do not know of a simpler way to put it.
So, a day at a time, with Spirit, and doing it with others, I would have to say, yes, I am up to it!
Namaste,
Ken
Monday, November 7, 2016
Passing Away
I hate writing about this. I really do.
I found out Saturday that someone in our recovery community passed away Friday night, probably from an overdose. It's very sad. She was a young person with a child. So she was someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's partner, and a lot of folks' friend.
So how does this happen? Why does this happen?
I've been around death since I was 2 years old. I started walking at one of my grandfather's funeral. When I was 7, I saw my aunt dying from stomach cancer. Throughout the years, I've been to the funerals of relatives and friends. I've missed some, too - a very good friend of mine from college passed away in 1988. He was 28 years old. So I know that physical death is a part of life.
The ones that bother me are the ones who pass young. A classmate who was stabbed to death by her boyfriend when she was 19 or 20. My friend who passed over the weekend. A friend from Boy Scouts who was one of the nicest guys you'd want to know passed in service to his country. There's more.
I don't get into the hows and whys too very much - it's not healthy. It's dabbling in that which is not mine to dabble in. Otherwise I start telling God who should stay and who should go. I've done that before. The whole thing is a great big mystery to me.
Why am I alive today? I've had several overdoses, two of which put me in comas. I've punished myself more than anyone else possibly could have. Yet I'm here today, living, breathing, thriving, while people much better than me [judgment] have passed on. There isn't any logic in it at all.
Spiritually I know that death is sort of like moving out of state - we only cease to exist in this particular physical realm. How many realms are out there, I don't know. If one is a Christian, then they know the words of Jesus, who mentioned to His disciples that His Father's house has many mansions. This indicates that there are many different 'places' for us to exist.
I read a recent statistic that said that people with a chronic mental condition (and addiction is a mental health condition) typically have a life span 25 years less than those without mental health conditions. That's a lot less!
But here's the real deal: Sometimes, maybe often, wonderful people who are a real asset to this world and who are much loved and admired die much too soon [judgment]. As an alcoholic, I can faithfully say that it would be my own inaccurate perception of myself that would cause me to die from my disease. In other words, I view myself, even today, much more harshly than anybody else on the planet. The shame and self-hatred that I carried within me caused me to go back to using alcohol and to other self-destructive behaviors often. One day, who knows when, I began to doubt my own thinking, and I began to look at how others seemed to perceive me. Eventually, because I found myself surrounded by people who looked at me much better than I looked at myself, I began to believe their perceptions more than my own. I began to behave as if my life has value, because obviously it does to those who support me. And that, I believe, is really the only reason that I am alive today - I was able to listen to someone else's thinking more than my own. Let me tell you that that is not an easy task. There is nothing in the world that I placed more value on than my own thinking.
So I understand how my friend went back to the thinking that caused her to die. And I'm sad. I'm sad that she could not see what a special and beautiful human being and child of God she was. I'm sad that she had people who were really close to her who now have an empty space inside of them.
And what can I do? What will I do? I can honor her memory by staying sober and staying in recovery. I can do what others have done for me - I will continue to encourage, support, and love those who live with addiction/alcoholism and other mental health conditions. I will not turn my back on others because it's too hard to see someone die from this - I will continue to develop my understanding that God is in all of us, and continue to develop my skills in helping others discover this Truth for themselves. And I will continue to live and thrive and love my life and myself just as it is and I am today, if only to show others that it is possible to live in recovery. We don't have to die from this disease.
It's the least I can do.
Namaste,
Ken
I found out Saturday that someone in our recovery community passed away Friday night, probably from an overdose. It's very sad. She was a young person with a child. So she was someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's partner, and a lot of folks' friend.
So how does this happen? Why does this happen?
I've been around death since I was 2 years old. I started walking at one of my grandfather's funeral. When I was 7, I saw my aunt dying from stomach cancer. Throughout the years, I've been to the funerals of relatives and friends. I've missed some, too - a very good friend of mine from college passed away in 1988. He was 28 years old. So I know that physical death is a part of life.
The ones that bother me are the ones who pass young. A classmate who was stabbed to death by her boyfriend when she was 19 or 20. My friend who passed over the weekend. A friend from Boy Scouts who was one of the nicest guys you'd want to know passed in service to his country. There's more.
I don't get into the hows and whys too very much - it's not healthy. It's dabbling in that which is not mine to dabble in. Otherwise I start telling God who should stay and who should go. I've done that before. The whole thing is a great big mystery to me.
Why am I alive today? I've had several overdoses, two of which put me in comas. I've punished myself more than anyone else possibly could have. Yet I'm here today, living, breathing, thriving, while people much better than me [judgment] have passed on. There isn't any logic in it at all.
Spiritually I know that death is sort of like moving out of state - we only cease to exist in this particular physical realm. How many realms are out there, I don't know. If one is a Christian, then they know the words of Jesus, who mentioned to His disciples that His Father's house has many mansions. This indicates that there are many different 'places' for us to exist.
I read a recent statistic that said that people with a chronic mental condition (and addiction is a mental health condition) typically have a life span 25 years less than those without mental health conditions. That's a lot less!
But here's the real deal: Sometimes, maybe often, wonderful people who are a real asset to this world and who are much loved and admired die much too soon [judgment]. As an alcoholic, I can faithfully say that it would be my own inaccurate perception of myself that would cause me to die from my disease. In other words, I view myself, even today, much more harshly than anybody else on the planet. The shame and self-hatred that I carried within me caused me to go back to using alcohol and to other self-destructive behaviors often. One day, who knows when, I began to doubt my own thinking, and I began to look at how others seemed to perceive me. Eventually, because I found myself surrounded by people who looked at me much better than I looked at myself, I began to believe their perceptions more than my own. I began to behave as if my life has value, because obviously it does to those who support me. And that, I believe, is really the only reason that I am alive today - I was able to listen to someone else's thinking more than my own. Let me tell you that that is not an easy task. There is nothing in the world that I placed more value on than my own thinking.
So I understand how my friend went back to the thinking that caused her to die. And I'm sad. I'm sad that she could not see what a special and beautiful human being and child of God she was. I'm sad that she had people who were really close to her who now have an empty space inside of them.
And what can I do? What will I do? I can honor her memory by staying sober and staying in recovery. I can do what others have done for me - I will continue to encourage, support, and love those who live with addiction/alcoholism and other mental health conditions. I will not turn my back on others because it's too hard to see someone die from this - I will continue to develop my understanding that God is in all of us, and continue to develop my skills in helping others discover this Truth for themselves. And I will continue to live and thrive and love my life and myself just as it is and I am today, if only to show others that it is possible to live in recovery. We don't have to die from this disease.
It's the least I can do.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Acceptance that I Have This...Thing
More on acceptance. Acceptance is such an important quality to have for recovery from probably any condition, but especially for recovery from a mental health condition (including addiction). Acceptance is a hard concept to define, to say exactly what it is. I can tell you what it looks like, and I can tell you what it doesn't look like. I can tell you when I am in acceptance and when I'm not. But I can't define it perfectly, and each person's path to acceptance looks different for each person.
I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.
Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.
Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.
Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.
And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.
So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.
There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.
In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.
I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.
And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.
So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.
Namaste,
Ken
I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.
Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.
Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.
Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.
And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.
So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.
There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.
In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.
I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.
And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.
So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Yes, I Can!
As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Moving from Non-Resistance to Acceptance
Non-resistance is the precursor to acceptance. Acceptance is important to recovery from addiction and recovery from mental health conditions. Additionally, acceptance is important for peace of mind for anyone, and is a requirement for spiritual growth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to grow spiritually and still complain (inwardly or outwardly) about the things I find less-than-acceptable in my life or in myself.
Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.
When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.
After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance.
Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing.
Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.
Namaste,
Ken
Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.
When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.
After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance.
Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing.
Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Let Freedom Ring
In my last post, I wrote a bit about building my own prison, and how, if I've constructed the walls that keep me from living a joyous and abundant life, then I also have the power to deconstruct those walls.
I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.
I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.
I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.
The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.
This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.
So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me:
(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear.
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.
And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.
So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.
Namaste,
Ken
I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.
I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.
I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.
The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.
This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.
So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me:
(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear.
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.
And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.
So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Prison
I haven't written a lot about prison. I don't know why, other than I don't feel prison adversely affected me any more or less than any other experience I've had. I crossed out 'or less' because I still believe my years in primary and secondary education were worse than my years in prison. Of course, I spent 12.5 years in school before I became an 'adult', and I've spent only 5 years of my life incarcerated in jails and prisons.
I got in more fights in school than I did in prison.
For those of you who are curious, I have five felonies on my record, and I have done prison time for 3 of them. I have a bad check over $1000, 3 automobile thefts, and the theft of a large amount of money (theft, not robbery - I didn't take it by force).
I don't steal things anymore. I was a thief before I ever started using alcohol. The alcohol use made me a better and bolder thief. Looking at it today, the reason I no longer steal anything is because I truly believe that I already have, or at least can acquire, everything I need today. If I want something I don't have, I can either work for it, ask for it, or decide that it's just a want, not a need.
I also don't steal anymore because I've reached a level of self-respect that stealing doesn't jibe with. I learned during the time that I was self-employed that if I can get out of bed in the morning, get dressed, and get out in the world, I can make a living. (I would like to explore that more, because I have this nagging idea that I can probably legally make an even better living than I'm making now).
When I was a youngster, I thought I might like to be in the military; however, because I had lost my eye at age 11, I was ineligible for military service. I know today that I wouldn't have been any better off for being in the military, and, because of my experience with prison, I have no desire to sleep in a barracks with a bunch of other men. Just one of those things.
I learned a few valuable things in prison:
1. Nobody is a [put your favorite crime here] all of the time. The men with whom I shared the prison experience were all human beings with varied traits. If one were to meet most of them on the streets today, one would not know they were ex-convicts.
2. Most of the men in prison are addicts, alcoholics, or have a mental health condition that was existing before they got to prison.
3. Most of the men in prison, no matter their chronological age, have an emotional age of around adolescence. It seems like impulse control is a big issue.
4. I learned many positive people skills in prison. During my entire time of incarceration, I was in no fights, and I got punched once - and that was my fault. I learned to choose my battles, and I learned that most everybody is filled with fear - from the biggest thug to the smallest guy there. Prison is a fear driven place.
5. There are very few atheists in prison.
6. Prison is easier, and sometimes safer, thanreal life life on the outside.
7. A responsibility-free life (prison) is not enriching.
And, the three most important things I learned in prison are:
I built these walls. I've spent time in a few prisons in Kansas. Two of the state prisons, Lansing and Hutchinson, were built back in the days when inmates were used to build prisons. One day I was standing in the yard at Hutchinson Correctional Facility and looking at its 30-foot stone walls, and I thought about the men who built them. And then it hit me - I built these walls. One of the most freeing ideas I can utilize is that if I feel trapped or imprisoned, it's because of my thinking and actions. And, if my thinking is powerful enough to imprison me, it must be powerful enough to free me. All I have to do is learn how.
My time in prison was just another work-around to try to cover up my inability to handle life. Very simply put, it was easier for me to commit a crime and let the state or county take care of me than it was for me to take care of myself. I simply got tired of living that way. I haven't found myself incarcerated since April, 2002.
Prison is a big waste of time and money and life. Most people come out of prison worse for the experience. Some don't. Many inmates spend time day after day after day doing nothing but watching TV or playing games. There is, relatively, very little rehabilitation or meaningful work. Prison breaks up families. Prison is one of the methods our society uses to deal with people and problems we don't want to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind. The only time we think about prisoners is when someone is on trial and about to go in, or when someone who has committed a heinous crime is about to get out. The rest of the time, there are thousands of human beings who are forgotten. That is a waste. No human being was created to be imprisoned. Instead of looking at criminals and saying, "What is wrong with those people," we might be better served as a whole by saying, "What happened to this person that s/he is leading this kind of life? What can be done to help them heal?" When we truly begin to believe that each and every life matters, and to understand that those who engage in hurtful behavior are more sick that wrong, we will begin to find answers. There truly is no need to waste human life.
I am grateful for my prison experience. That may sound odd, but I have appreciated life more AP (after prison) than BP (before prison). Most people know they don't want to be locked up. I know I don't want to be locked up and I know why. I know what it's like to come out the other side and not only survive, but thrive. I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced incarceration. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, onward and upward. If you've made it this far, thanks!
Namaste,
Ken
I got in more fights in school than I did in prison.
For those of you who are curious, I have five felonies on my record, and I have done prison time for 3 of them. I have a bad check over $1000, 3 automobile thefts, and the theft of a large amount of money (theft, not robbery - I didn't take it by force).
I don't steal things anymore. I was a thief before I ever started using alcohol. The alcohol use made me a better and bolder thief. Looking at it today, the reason I no longer steal anything is because I truly believe that I already have, or at least can acquire, everything I need today. If I want something I don't have, I can either work for it, ask for it, or decide that it's just a want, not a need.
I also don't steal anymore because I've reached a level of self-respect that stealing doesn't jibe with. I learned during the time that I was self-employed that if I can get out of bed in the morning, get dressed, and get out in the world, I can make a living. (I would like to explore that more, because I have this nagging idea that I can probably legally make an even better living than I'm making now).
When I was a youngster, I thought I might like to be in the military; however, because I had lost my eye at age 11, I was ineligible for military service. I know today that I wouldn't have been any better off for being in the military, and, because of my experience with prison, I have no desire to sleep in a barracks with a bunch of other men. Just one of those things.
I learned a few valuable things in prison:
1. Nobody is a [put your favorite crime here] all of the time. The men with whom I shared the prison experience were all human beings with varied traits. If one were to meet most of them on the streets today, one would not know they were ex-convicts.
2. Most of the men in prison are addicts, alcoholics, or have a mental health condition that was existing before they got to prison.
3. Most of the men in prison, no matter their chronological age, have an emotional age of around adolescence. It seems like impulse control is a big issue.
4. I learned many positive people skills in prison. During my entire time of incarceration, I was in no fights, and I got punched once - and that was my fault. I learned to choose my battles, and I learned that most everybody is filled with fear - from the biggest thug to the smallest guy there. Prison is a fear driven place.
5. There are very few atheists in prison.
6. Prison is easier, and sometimes safer, than
7. A responsibility-free life (prison) is not enriching.
And, the three most important things I learned in prison are:
I built these walls. I've spent time in a few prisons in Kansas. Two of the state prisons, Lansing and Hutchinson, were built back in the days when inmates were used to build prisons. One day I was standing in the yard at Hutchinson Correctional Facility and looking at its 30-foot stone walls, and I thought about the men who built them. And then it hit me - I built these walls. One of the most freeing ideas I can utilize is that if I feel trapped or imprisoned, it's because of my thinking and actions. And, if my thinking is powerful enough to imprison me, it must be powerful enough to free me. All I have to do is learn how.
My time in prison was just another work-around to try to cover up my inability to handle life. Very simply put, it was easier for me to commit a crime and let the state or county take care of me than it was for me to take care of myself. I simply got tired of living that way. I haven't found myself incarcerated since April, 2002.
Prison is a big waste of time and money and life. Most people come out of prison worse for the experience. Some don't. Many inmates spend time day after day after day doing nothing but watching TV or playing games. There is, relatively, very little rehabilitation or meaningful work. Prison breaks up families. Prison is one of the methods our society uses to deal with people and problems we don't want to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind. The only time we think about prisoners is when someone is on trial and about to go in, or when someone who has committed a heinous crime is about to get out. The rest of the time, there are thousands of human beings who are forgotten. That is a waste. No human being was created to be imprisoned. Instead of looking at criminals and saying, "What is wrong with those people," we might be better served as a whole by saying, "What happened to this person that s/he is leading this kind of life? What can be done to help them heal?" When we truly begin to believe that each and every life matters, and to understand that those who engage in hurtful behavior are more sick that wrong, we will begin to find answers. There truly is no need to waste human life.
I am grateful for my prison experience. That may sound odd, but I have appreciated life more AP (after prison) than BP (before prison). Most people know they don't want to be locked up. I know I don't want to be locked up and I know why. I know what it's like to come out the other side and not only survive, but thrive. I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced incarceration. I think that's a good thing.
Anyway, onward and upward. If you've made it this far, thanks!
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, September 29, 2016
My Life Matters
Well, duh, right? Doesn't that go without saying? Of course my life matters...doesn't it?
Most of my life, I have felt that my life did not matter. I felt that if I had suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, not much, if anything, would change, and not too many people, if any, would notice.
And I often behaved the way I felt. Countless times I've put myself in dangerous situations. I have drank and used drugs recklessly, spent money recklessly (whether it was mine to spend or not), and for the most part, behaved in a way that showed I just didn't give a damn. I have had great opportunities for growth and for satisfactory living and tossed them aside, seemingly without a care. I have done things that I knew would attract less-than-pleasant situations into my life. I know full well the meaning of 'throwing caution to the wind.'
I've met people who were suffering from depression, and when thoughts of suicide entered their heads, they sought help. I never understood that. I used to think that my thoughts of suicide were, in my case, quite rational, and my only problem was that I didn't have the guts to follow through.
So that's the reason for this post: My attitude has changed. My definition of a miracle is anytime my attitude changes for the better. Changing the course of the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon seems to be an easier endeavor than changing my belief, thoughts, and attitudes.
I'm not important, but my life is. I don't know if that's a paradox or not, but that's my attitude today. What it means is that I need nothing special today because I already have everything I need. However, I do have something special to give - my own experience. Over the past few years, and especially the past year-and-a-half, I have allowed 'life' to steer me instead of me steering life. So, instead of placing myself in dangerous, self-destructive positions, 'life' has placed me in situations where I can be of service to others. I am meeting people I never would have dreamed of meeting. I am doing (good) things I never would have dreamed of doing. I am touching other human lives every day in positive ways. And I am willing to continue on this way indefinitely. I no longer look forward to the time when this will all end.
How did this 180° shift occur? Not overnight, that's for sure. It began with one small shift in attitude. If you've read previous posts, you might remember that I've had a belief my entire life that I don't know how to live properly and I can't handle life. I'm basically inept. That belief still resides within me today, and the shift is this: I used to try through various means to cover up the fact that I couldn't handle life (that may be another whole post, if I haven't written it already), and when I felt I could no longer cover up my deficiency, I sought escape through alcohol and other means.
A little over a year ago, I changed my tack. A little over a year ago, I hit a bottom, and was faced once again with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to live. My options had run out. But there were a lot of people around me who were willing to guide me, and I began to take their direction with an open mind. Well, to be honest, at first the mind wasn't really open, it was more like, "It couldn't get any worse, so maybe it'll get better." When I began experiencing positive results inside of me, I knew something was happening. Most importantly, I knew I wasn't the cause. I was (and still am) allowing Something (God, Source, Life, Universe, First Cause, Whatever) to work through me. I was going with the process. I was trusting. I no longer had to come up with my own solutions (or work-arounds). I simply gave up control over my life. Under New Management. I surrendered. And it's important for my recovery to stay surrendered.
I remember joking that I quit self-employment because the boss was a real asshole. That's actually no joke. And the guy running my life would get lost in a closet.
It's really a big paradox. I've had a lot of head-scratchers over the past year or so, but it seems to come down to this - when I let go of the rudder. the boat that is my life seems to travel a lot better.
And today I can positively say my life matters, and that is truly a miracle.
Namaste,
Ken
Most of my life, I have felt that my life did not matter. I felt that if I had suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, not much, if anything, would change, and not too many people, if any, would notice.
And I often behaved the way I felt. Countless times I've put myself in dangerous situations. I have drank and used drugs recklessly, spent money recklessly (whether it was mine to spend or not), and for the most part, behaved in a way that showed I just didn't give a damn. I have had great opportunities for growth and for satisfactory living and tossed them aside, seemingly without a care. I have done things that I knew would attract less-than-pleasant situations into my life. I know full well the meaning of 'throwing caution to the wind.'
I've met people who were suffering from depression, and when thoughts of suicide entered their heads, they sought help. I never understood that. I used to think that my thoughts of suicide were, in my case, quite rational, and my only problem was that I didn't have the guts to follow through.
So that's the reason for this post: My attitude has changed. My definition of a miracle is anytime my attitude changes for the better. Changing the course of the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon seems to be an easier endeavor than changing my belief, thoughts, and attitudes.
I'm not important, but my life is. I don't know if that's a paradox or not, but that's my attitude today. What it means is that I need nothing special today because I already have everything I need. However, I do have something special to give - my own experience. Over the past few years, and especially the past year-and-a-half, I have allowed 'life' to steer me instead of me steering life. So, instead of placing myself in dangerous, self-destructive positions, 'life' has placed me in situations where I can be of service to others. I am meeting people I never would have dreamed of meeting. I am doing (good) things I never would have dreamed of doing. I am touching other human lives every day in positive ways. And I am willing to continue on this way indefinitely. I no longer look forward to the time when this will all end.
How did this 180° shift occur? Not overnight, that's for sure. It began with one small shift in attitude. If you've read previous posts, you might remember that I've had a belief my entire life that I don't know how to live properly and I can't handle life. I'm basically inept. That belief still resides within me today, and the shift is this: I used to try through various means to cover up the fact that I couldn't handle life (that may be another whole post, if I haven't written it already), and when I felt I could no longer cover up my deficiency, I sought escape through alcohol and other means.
A little over a year ago, I changed my tack. A little over a year ago, I hit a bottom, and was faced once again with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to live. My options had run out. But there were a lot of people around me who were willing to guide me, and I began to take their direction with an open mind. Well, to be honest, at first the mind wasn't really open, it was more like, "It couldn't get any worse, so maybe it'll get better." When I began experiencing positive results inside of me, I knew something was happening. Most importantly, I knew I wasn't the cause. I was (and still am) allowing Something (God, Source, Life, Universe, First Cause, Whatever) to work through me. I was going with the process. I was trusting. I no longer had to come up with my own solutions (or work-arounds). I simply gave up control over my life. Under New Management. I surrendered. And it's important for my recovery to stay surrendered.
I remember joking that I quit self-employment because the boss was a real asshole. That's actually no joke. And the guy running my life would get lost in a closet.
It's really a big paradox. I've had a lot of head-scratchers over the past year or so, but it seems to come down to this - when I let go of the rudder. the boat that is my life seems to travel a lot better.
And today I can positively say my life matters, and that is truly a miracle.
Namaste,
Ken
Monday, September 5, 2016
Hope
For me, hope is the most important ingredient in recovery. Without hope, I have no desire. Without hope, I have no willingness. Without hope, honesty and open-mindedness does very little. Without hope, there is no faith.
I have been hopeless many times before. Hopelessness is a dark, lonely, cold place. There is nothing to hold onto, nothing to comfort me. Hopelessness is painful, deeply painful.
Paradoxically enough, I do not think I would be alive today if it were not for my addiction. Hopelessness is pure and final; nothing will change it. But my addiction gives me one small hope - that I can change the way I feel, ease the pain, if only a little. I can't always find hope, but I can almost always find a bottle or a pill - something. The paradox of the paradox is that if I continue to look for hope in a bottle, eventually I'll die.
Each time that I've taken a stab at recovery, I have started with a glimmer of hope - a hope that things would be different this time, that I could wake up and step out of myself and learn to live and enjoy this life. I've then done what I thought I needed to do in order to recover. Eventually, the depression, being mostly untreated, would come back, slowly chewing up whatever hope and positive outlook I had gained, until I reached the darkness of hopelessness again.
Today I believe that hope doesn't leave. Those things that are mine by right of being a child of God, like love, hope, joy, peace, faith, acceptance, humility, etc., never really leave; but they can be obscured by trauma, active addiction, and error thinking. In plain English, I can pile a mountain of shit on top of any of my spiritual gifts and obscure them to the point of hopelessness, or even, I suppose, lifelessness.
So those times that I felt hopeless, I really was not; I had backed myself into a corner by my thinking and my actions which led me to believe there was no hope for me.
My re-discovery of hope seems hard-won these past 15 months. It did not come quickly or easily, and I suppose that is probably a good thing. I may be learning what I heard a really long time ago - that nothing truly good comes to us without some effort. Or, better put, I think, is that the recognition and actualization of our true assets takes a good deal of consistent effort.
If hope is something I'll always have, but don't necessarily always recognize, what can I do to uncover hope within me an let it flourish? Gratitude is a good way to start. When I am grateful for all I have and all I am, the gratitude sustains hope. It is helpful to be grateful every day - not only for the seemingly good, but also for the seemingly bad. When I experience the seemingly bad - let's say an illness, a financial setback, an apparent rejection - it is what I do with that experience that determines whether it's bad or not. I can spend all day on that topic; but as it relates to hope, I can know immediately that if I look for the good in the seemingly bad, I will find it (eventually).
Another good way to nurture hope is to give it away. I am extremely blessed to be able to share my story of recovery with others who are just beginning their recoveries. During the day, I can get a little preoccupied with my 'problems' or issues. When I meet someone who is new in recovery and I share my experience, strength, and hope with them, I hardly remember my 'problems'. I recognize that I have very little to gripe about.
A few weeks ago I rode in the MS 150 - a weekend bike ride supporting the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. During the ride, I passed by a car for sale that really caught my eye:
This is a 1970 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. It is in very good condition, and it has 34,000 miles on it. The seller wants $9900 for it; I did a little research, and that's probably a fair price. I would like to purchase this car. If I had around $9000 lying around, I would purchase this car.
Why do I mention this in a quasi-spiritual blog in a post about hope? Because hope has nothing to do with apparent reality. Hope says I can be different than I am today. Hope says I am prosperous; I simply need to clear away the blocks that are keeping me from realizing it. Hope says that nothing material or spiritual is out of my grasp. In fact, the more outlandish the dream, the better. Half a century ago, Martin Luther King, Jr., had a dream, and he instilled hope in millions of citizens. He believed that all people deserved to live in freedom, despite a ton of evidence to the contrary. He gave his life for this dream, which is still being brought to fruition today.
Remember how I said that I have had a lifelong belief that I would never be able to handle life? That I'd never learn to care for myself? Hope says find evidence to the contrary and focus on that. It was just about one year ago that I moved out of the halfway house (which I now work at) on my own, and became what I consider a responsible citizen who takes care of himself. I have been doing something for the past year that I have never done before in this lifetime - I have housed myself, clothed myself, fed myself, and maintained myself without having to lean on others for financial support. And during that time I've also paid back debt of over $3000. I am living something that I never thought possible. My reality used to be that I would always be dependent and needy. Today my reality is much different. I carry that with me knowing that even greater things lie ahead for me.
And another thing about hope: I know that if I can do it, anyone can. We're not miserable sinners stuck on a crappy rock for six or seven decades, serving a life sentence with the hope of heaven in the afterlife. Heaven is right here right now, within each one of us. It's a matter of each of us seeking it within ourselves and sharing what we discover with others.
Namaste,
Ken
I have been hopeless many times before. Hopelessness is a dark, lonely, cold place. There is nothing to hold onto, nothing to comfort me. Hopelessness is painful, deeply painful.
Paradoxically enough, I do not think I would be alive today if it were not for my addiction. Hopelessness is pure and final; nothing will change it. But my addiction gives me one small hope - that I can change the way I feel, ease the pain, if only a little. I can't always find hope, but I can almost always find a bottle or a pill - something. The paradox of the paradox is that if I continue to look for hope in a bottle, eventually I'll die.
Each time that I've taken a stab at recovery, I have started with a glimmer of hope - a hope that things would be different this time, that I could wake up and step out of myself and learn to live and enjoy this life. I've then done what I thought I needed to do in order to recover. Eventually, the depression, being mostly untreated, would come back, slowly chewing up whatever hope and positive outlook I had gained, until I reached the darkness of hopelessness again.
Today I believe that hope doesn't leave. Those things that are mine by right of being a child of God, like love, hope, joy, peace, faith, acceptance, humility, etc., never really leave; but they can be obscured by trauma, active addiction, and error thinking. In plain English, I can pile a mountain of shit on top of any of my spiritual gifts and obscure them to the point of hopelessness, or even, I suppose, lifelessness.
So those times that I felt hopeless, I really was not; I had backed myself into a corner by my thinking and my actions which led me to believe there was no hope for me.
My re-discovery of hope seems hard-won these past 15 months. It did not come quickly or easily, and I suppose that is probably a good thing. I may be learning what I heard a really long time ago - that nothing truly good comes to us without some effort. Or, better put, I think, is that the recognition and actualization of our true assets takes a good deal of consistent effort.
If hope is something I'll always have, but don't necessarily always recognize, what can I do to uncover hope within me an let it flourish? Gratitude is a good way to start. When I am grateful for all I have and all I am, the gratitude sustains hope. It is helpful to be grateful every day - not only for the seemingly good, but also for the seemingly bad. When I experience the seemingly bad - let's say an illness, a financial setback, an apparent rejection - it is what I do with that experience that determines whether it's bad or not. I can spend all day on that topic; but as it relates to hope, I can know immediately that if I look for the good in the seemingly bad, I will find it (eventually).
Another good way to nurture hope is to give it away. I am extremely blessed to be able to share my story of recovery with others who are just beginning their recoveries. During the day, I can get a little preoccupied with my 'problems' or issues. When I meet someone who is new in recovery and I share my experience, strength, and hope with them, I hardly remember my 'problems'. I recognize that I have very little to gripe about.
A few weeks ago I rode in the MS 150 - a weekend bike ride supporting the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. During the ride, I passed by a car for sale that really caught my eye:
Why do I mention this in a quasi-spiritual blog in a post about hope? Because hope has nothing to do with apparent reality. Hope says I can be different than I am today. Hope says I am prosperous; I simply need to clear away the blocks that are keeping me from realizing it. Hope says that nothing material or spiritual is out of my grasp. In fact, the more outlandish the dream, the better. Half a century ago, Martin Luther King, Jr., had a dream, and he instilled hope in millions of citizens. He believed that all people deserved to live in freedom, despite a ton of evidence to the contrary. He gave his life for this dream, which is still being brought to fruition today.
Remember how I said that I have had a lifelong belief that I would never be able to handle life? That I'd never learn to care for myself? Hope says find evidence to the contrary and focus on that. It was just about one year ago that I moved out of the halfway house (which I now work at) on my own, and became what I consider a responsible citizen who takes care of himself. I have been doing something for the past year that I have never done before in this lifetime - I have housed myself, clothed myself, fed myself, and maintained myself without having to lean on others for financial support. And during that time I've also paid back debt of over $3000. I am living something that I never thought possible. My reality used to be that I would always be dependent and needy. Today my reality is much different. I carry that with me knowing that even greater things lie ahead for me.
And another thing about hope: I know that if I can do it, anyone can. We're not miserable sinners stuck on a crappy rock for six or seven decades, serving a life sentence with the hope of heaven in the afterlife. Heaven is right here right now, within each one of us. It's a matter of each of us seeking it within ourselves and sharing what we discover with others.
Namaste,
Ken
Monday, August 1, 2016
Please check this site out...
Hi Dear Reader(s),
I ran across an article in Sunday's Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel Business Section entitled "Website Chronicles Patient Experience," about a project at UW-Madison to bring a UK project to the US. The article lists a website where patients' experiences with depression are chronicled, and I thought I would share this link to 1), shed some light on what living with depression is like, and 2), get you to look it over and report back to me, because I might not get to it and then forget about it.
Here it is:
http://healthexperiencesusa.org/
So, please check it out when you get a chance, and see if it is a good site to look at.
Namaste,
Ken
I ran across an article in Sunday's Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel Business Section entitled "Website Chronicles Patient Experience," about a project at UW-Madison to bring a UK project to the US. The article lists a website where patients' experiences with depression are chronicled, and I thought I would share this link to 1), shed some light on what living with depression is like, and 2), get you to look it over and report back to me, because I might not get to it and then forget about it.
Here it is:
http://healthexperiencesusa.org/
So, please check it out when you get a chance, and see if it is a good site to look at.
Namaste,
Ken
Saturday, July 30, 2016
I Asked For It
Personal responsibility is one of my most important ideals. Please note that an ideal is like a target - I practice personal responsibility, but I'm far from perfect. I do not believe that I can achieve healthy, long term physical and emotional sobriety and good mental (and physical!) health without personal responsibility. As I quoted in an earlier posts, victims don't stay sober.
I used to say to a lot of situations that came up in my life, "God, I don't need this shit!" I have since come to believe that those situations were exactly the ones I did need, even though they seemed to interfere with MY plans.
Some years back, I studied a bit about Edgar Cayce, termed the "Sleeping Prophet". He would go into trances and help people heal from all sorts of issues by contacting The Source. What I learned is that we come to this plane of existence with some sort of purpose, and we are set up in our lifetime to fulfill this purpose. It's a win-win sort of thing if I can figure out what my purpose is and let it happen. Edgar also said that we can make other choices, and go other directions, but that we do have a definite purpose.
My belief today, and I've heard others intimate this, is that I came into this lifetime with a purpose, a framework of sorts, that I've agreed to do. This relies on the theory that in the beginning, there was God (Source), and that was it - nothing else. God wanted to know itself, but since God was all there was, it was impossible. So, God created - beings and planets and stuff that were God-like, but not exactly God. In other words, in order for God to know itself, it had to know not-God. God wants to experience itself in all of its glory, so it creates beings (us) that are conscious, but don't necessarily know that we are connected with Spirit (and with each other). As we grow in awareness of our God aspects, we create and live and give, and that's what we see going on all around us - humanity remembering who it is. (To me, it makes a lot more sense than a fall from grace and vicarious atonement through blood sacrifice. That never sat very well with me).
A lot of times now when I'm going through something that I find unpleasant, or I don't really want to do, I say, "God, I asked for this?" and I imagine God smiling and saying, "yep, you did!" What this does for me is that it tells me that it's all good - that whatever I'm experiencing is ok, and will turn out fine. What this way to believe does for me is it makes all that I've experienced in this lifetime meaningful - not necessarily understandable, but meaningful. It also gives me hope that I can learn and grow. It would be a very cruel and unusual God that would make Its beloved go thru several useless cycles of recovery and relapse and then die from alcoholism and depression. What a waste!
So, why explain the way I look at the Universe? Because it explains how I try to look at life, and my place in it, and my relationship to others (we're all connected - even the people I don't like). And it's the best way I've discovered (or remembered) to deal with the things in life that I don't like, or don't think are fair, and get through it all not only with dignity and grace, but also successfully. At least if you look at my definition of success. And lastly, because it's important to know in order to read my next post.
Namaste,
Ken
I used to say to a lot of situations that came up in my life, "God, I don't need this shit!" I have since come to believe that those situations were exactly the ones I did need, even though they seemed to interfere with MY plans.
Some years back, I studied a bit about Edgar Cayce, termed the "Sleeping Prophet". He would go into trances and help people heal from all sorts of issues by contacting The Source. What I learned is that we come to this plane of existence with some sort of purpose, and we are set up in our lifetime to fulfill this purpose. It's a win-win sort of thing if I can figure out what my purpose is and let it happen. Edgar also said that we can make other choices, and go other directions, but that we do have a definite purpose.
My belief today, and I've heard others intimate this, is that I came into this lifetime with a purpose, a framework of sorts, that I've agreed to do. This relies on the theory that in the beginning, there was God (Source), and that was it - nothing else. God wanted to know itself, but since God was all there was, it was impossible. So, God created - beings and planets and stuff that were God-like, but not exactly God. In other words, in order for God to know itself, it had to know not-God. God wants to experience itself in all of its glory, so it creates beings (us) that are conscious, but don't necessarily know that we are connected with Spirit (and with each other). As we grow in awareness of our God aspects, we create and live and give, and that's what we see going on all around us - humanity remembering who it is. (To me, it makes a lot more sense than a fall from grace and vicarious atonement through blood sacrifice. That never sat very well with me).
A lot of times now when I'm going through something that I find unpleasant, or I don't really want to do, I say, "God, I asked for this?" and I imagine God smiling and saying, "yep, you did!" What this does for me is that it tells me that it's all good - that whatever I'm experiencing is ok, and will turn out fine. What this way to believe does for me is it makes all that I've experienced in this lifetime meaningful - not necessarily understandable, but meaningful. It also gives me hope that I can learn and grow. It would be a very cruel and unusual God that would make Its beloved go thru several useless cycles of recovery and relapse and then die from alcoholism and depression. What a waste!
So, why explain the way I look at the Universe? Because it explains how I try to look at life, and my place in it, and my relationship to others (we're all connected - even the people I don't like). And it's the best way I've discovered (or remembered) to deal with the things in life that I don't like, or don't think are fair, and get through it all not only with dignity and grace, but also successfully. At least if you look at my definition of success. And lastly, because it's important to know in order to read my next post.
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
In This Moment...
In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
I Am Enough
There may already be a post about this, but this is one of those things that I can probably work on forever. I was introduced to this concept over 20 years ago, and have yet to fully swallow and digest. What it basically is is that by virtue of the fact that we are here, we are worthwhile. We are all children of One Loving Creator, and therefore we are all made from good stuff, connected to the Creator and connected to each other.
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.
I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.
What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.
The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.
Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life.
I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.
I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.
This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to.
I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.
I'll continue to let you know how it goes.
Namaste,
Ken
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