Saturday, March 24, 2018

Trauma Informed Living

I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.

When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.

Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.

The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.

The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.

The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.

Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath. 

Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs. 

The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.

So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.

Namasté

Ken

Sunday, March 18, 2018

It's All Mine

I am very grateful for both of my jobs. I can only imagine where I'd be without them. Both of my jobs require me to model recovery. For me, this means that if I come into work late and angry with myself, and upset that nothing around me seems to be going right, I must behave differently than I feel. And when I begin to behave differently than I feel - in other words, when I begin to put into action the things I've learned in recovery - I see that my feelings, though they may be valid, aren't good indicators of the way I ought to behave.

A line from one of the recovery texts says something like this: "When I am upset or disturbed, there is something wrong with my thinking." The author called this a spiritual axiom, and it has been most useful to me. What this line says to me is that my natural state is peace, because I know Who's in charge, and it isn't me, and also that all is well, despite how it may seem to me. This axiom is the basis of practicing my life from the inside out, which I endeavor to do. It means that, second to my actions, my attitude is the most important thing over which I have control. 

I don't know if it's a good thing or not - I kind of think it is - that I don't outwardly show when I'm upset or disturbed. It's good in that if I always spoke or showed what was going on in my head or my feelings, I probably wouldn't have any friends or any jobs. On the other hand, suppressed emotion causes sickness and more emotional distress, which can lead to collapse. When I am unable to turn my own thinking or feelings around, I talk with one of my mentors about what is going on,

So I'm at work this morning and I'm picking on everything that everybody else did or is doing wrong. And what am I going to do. But, the niggling thought comes back, "The problem isn't out there, Ken, it's within you." Shit. So, at this point, I'm half-paralyzed, because there's stuff to do, but I don't want to act out of my disturbances, and I'm still feeling disturbed. I take things slowly, and think to myself, "What would a sane, rational person do?" And I proceed, slowly, to do that. It's like walking with a broken toe - I can still walk, but I need to step gingerly.

For instance, one of the things disturbing me was that I found out someone lied to me. Thinking error #1 - they didn't lie to me specifically - they put down false information on a sheet of paper. But I was upset, thinking, "Who does this person think he is? Does he think we're stupid?" Thinking error #2 - this person's lie had nothing to do with me or anyone else but himself. The whole thing is that I'm taking something personally that isn't directed at me at all, and, after thinking about it a bit, the consequences of this person's lying are going to be all his. What is my part in it? Upon discovering the falsification, I reported it to my superior, and am following his instructions. Boom, end of story. 

The ability to understand that my life is not what goes on around me, but what goes in within me is one of the greatest blessings I've received in recovery. Things don't have to be 'right' for me to be ok.  But, sometimes, things get reversed in my head for a while. The really neat thing is that once the above stated misperception became clearer to me, the rest of the things that were 'wrong' no longer upset me (or had power over me) either. It's stuff to deal with, one way or another, but it doesn't have to rule my emotional day.

In early recovery we're taught to act differently that we think or feel. "I need a drink." Call someone instead, or go to a meeting, or do something besides that first thought. "I'm so angry and I'm going to let everybody know." Ok, calm down and find some peace first, and if it's still important to let everybody know, do it in a way that isn't violent, abusive, or destructive to me or anyone else. In our sickness, and in our early recovery, our feelings have power over us. In recovery, we learn to take different actions, and to eventually reclaim our power over our thoughts and feelings. 

And that's why I'm really grateful for my jobs - they remind me that whatever is going on inside of me, it's all mine. Nothing and no one can cause me to feel any way - my feelings are my domain. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, even physically, it is much better, though often more challenging, to live this way. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Riding Uphill

If nothing else, what I have gained in nearly 3 years of recovery is a better perspective.

Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things. 

So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.

Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.

I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.

We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today. 

And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible. 

Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled,  M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 

So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.

Namasté, 

Ken

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Time to Let Go

I've let go of two things in the past two days - Facebook and sugar - and, oh my gosh, is it painful! Inside it is; from the outside, I don't think anybody would notice. I'm letting go of things that I know I use as palliatives - substances and behaviors to soothe uncomfortable feelings. 

I'm letting go of these things for my physical, my mental, and my spiritual health. Physically, I'm 30 to 40 pounds overweight, depending upon which guidelines one uses. To illustrate what sugar does with me physically, I'll note that I've lost 5 pounds in 2 days of no sugar and very little carbohydrates. There is a sort of withdrawal, but it's not nearly as bad as withdrawal from many other addictive drugs. I'm making it through the cravings by realizing how good I'll feel at a lighter weight and how much more in control I'll feel without the highs and lows of sugar use. There are other physical issues as well, the main one being that I'm avoiding diabetes. I've got some super-tough heavy-duty organs, but everything wears out eventually, and I'd like to use whatever control I have over maintaining my health. My use of Facebook affects my physical health because the time I'm spending on Facebook is time that I'm not exercising, and sometimes not sleeping.

I'm not sure how much a role in my mental and emotional health sugar plays, but I've been doing some reading, and some sources say it plays a huge role. I don't know how much of a role it plays in my mental health because I have never gotten off of sugar. I was raised on Coca-Cola and Chips Ahoy cookies and sweet desserts. Alcohol is sugar in another form. Maybe it's like crack sugar. I do know that when I indulge in a lot of sugary snacks at night, I wake up in the morning with sort of a hangover. I use sugar to relax after work (ice cream) or during work (candy). I would rather like to use some of the healthy coping skills I know to see how well they work. 

Facebook is kind of strange for me. I've gotten a world of good out of it, and I've also allowed it to affect the way I feel in a negative way. I see it as a handy tool for well-disciplined folks. I don't think I fit into that category. For me, right now, it allows me to isolate a little too much. I believe actual human contact is beneficial for my all-around health. Also, Facebook is one of those things I go to when I feel uncomfortable, and, again, I'm going to move toward using healthier (to me) coping skills when I feel uncomfortable.

Spiritually, there is nothing wrong with Facebook, and there is nothing wrong with sugar. When I discover my place in the Universe, and begin to discover my oneness with the Universe, I recognize that there is nothing created that does not belong. Sugar has a place, and so does Facebook. Alcohol, opium, and the coca plant have a place and a purpose as well. What I must examine is my relationship to what is in my life. Alcohol played an important role in my life - it kept me alive when otherwise I would have killed myself, and the resulting addiction led me into a new way of life. Alcohol is no longer necessary or desirable in my life, and I've let it go. Depression is a result of intense dissatisfaction with life along with a belief that I'm powerless to change. Without that dissatisfaction, I would not have bothered to change; without that feeling of powerlessness, I might not have begun my search for my personal power, which resides within me (yet is still sometimes elusive). Depression may still have some purpose in my life, because it still comes to visit - it just doesn't stay as long or leave such a mess. My recovery from alcoholism and depression has led me to a lot of very awesome people, a career, and an avocation. 

So Facebook and sugar aren't detrimental to my spirituality. Neither is alcohol, so long as I don't consume any. But what happens is sometimes I allow things to become a higher power to me. When I rely upon stuff that's 'out there', rather than on my Higher Power, I'm not getting the full benefit of my connection with the Universe. I was using sugar and Facebook to avoid parts of life (I still use other things to avoid life too - it's just sugar and Facebook that I'm letting go of right now). When I hit a wall at work, or didn't want to do something at home, I was on Facebook. When I didn't want to feel discomfort, I indulged in sugar. So, one could say that I spoiled my relationship with Facebook and sugar by using them for purpose for which they aren't intended (for me). So I let them go. (I may use Facebook again if I can find a way to use it as a communication tool, and not an excuse for not doing the dishes). 

What am I going to allow to come into the space left by letting go of Facebook and sugar? Tune in tomorrow.

Namasté, 

Ken