Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Why Even Bother?

I've made a commitment to myself to write only positive, uplifting, helpful posts. We'll see how this goes:

I've met some people that do not have the self-destruct switch. Killing themselves or using alcohol and other drugs in an effort to stop the pain of living does not occur to them. They love life, no matter what. (I wonder if researchers have studied their brains to see what's right with them?) I'm obviously not one of those people. I think I was born with a bad attitude, and, as life bore on, my outlook got more and more negative. Today I experience miracles in my life of which (I think) most people wouldn't even be aware - miracles like "I got through an entire day without thinking, "This is all bullshit." What is a miracle to me never crosses another's mind. Oh well, gotta deal with me, not other people, ultimately.

I have had moments lately where I have asked the question, "Why am I doing this? Why live?" It's really hard to admit that, but it is the truth. (Another couple of miracles here - the moments have been only moments, not entire weeks or months, and I'm admitting it.) Sometimes outer stuff affects me. I take a look around my world, and I don't understand it. Behavior that appalls me. People who seem as dense as granite yet (seemingly) breeze through life. The incomprehensible pain that some folks go through. How human beings treat each other. Yeah, stuff like that leads me to ask things like, "If there's no hope for humanity, why bother?" I had a few of those moments today. 

Yes, Virginia, sometimes I fake it 'til I make it. There are a couple of reasons for this: One, it's impossible to get to happy if I'm always frowning - if I smile when I don't feel like smiling, I at least have a chance of getting there; two, it's not my place to piss on anyone else's parade. Would I love to stand on top of a very tall soapbox and scream to the entire world just exactly what is wrong with it? Oh, you betcha. However, I'm told that, in those moments, I'm not sane, and, if the world is as I think it is sometimes, telling it how f#$%ed up it is wouldn't have much of an effect. I might feel better, though...

Have you ever said something that you wished you hadn't? If you've got a mouth and vocal cords, you probably have. About four years ago, I was sitting in the locked ward of a hospital in another county, and I said, "I'm here to show the miracle-working power of God," and in that moment I knew I was screwed. God loves a volunteer. You see, a miracle can't happen if there's nothing to overcome. Jesus didn't perform miracles on healthy people livin' the good life. Jesus performed miracles on people who really needed assistance overcoming their own humanity. The miracles that are ascribed to Jesus all seem to have happened in an instant. Well, time is relative, and perhaps in 50 years all the miracles I've had will seem like they occurred in an instant. Right now, they're not. Sometimes, I feel every painful nanosecond. But whatever, right?

I think I mentioned in the last post one of the reasons I endeavor to stay alive - I have a really strong belief that this lifetime isn't my final shot, and ending it prematurely won't alleviate me of any upcoming lessons. This lifetime, next lifetime - I'm at the (sometimes painful) point where I'm willing to take care of this stuff right here and now. And I'll give you an example of something I chose to not face: My father passed away a few years ago, and I chose to not try too hard to patch up our relationship while he was still living, even though I know that it'll be coming around in the next lifetime in a different form. I now regret not trying very hard. All I did do, really, was to take care of his needs in the present. I was still filled with much anger and resentment, though I rarely showed it to him. It seemed easier to do that than to try to do any healing. 

There's other reasons to stay alive - I finally, finally believe that my thinking is not always right. Sometimes I assume things that are painful to me, yet they have nothing whatsoever to do with reality. The pain is still real, however. And there are times when I can look at the same thing in a multitude of ways. This is one of the benefits of the cognitive behavioral therapy I've been learning and practicing the past couple of years. So I know that, in any given moment, my reality may not really be reality. There's another miracle right there - that I can successfully pass through a day without knowing what's real and what's not (I just don't react to the stuff that's questionable).  And then there's the fact that I don't know how much importance to place on events. Another for instance: have you ever been raging mad at your computer or phone for taking its time? No, of course not. Well, I have, and I'm grateful for the understanding that it's not so important that I should go about smashing my electronic devices with a hammer. This too, shall pass, and I have bigger chickens to fry.

Then there's my spiritual beliefs, which I continue to work on making them stronger and stronger in my life:
There is only one God (Source, Universe, Creator, whatever, It doesn't care what you call It) and It is Good and Supports Life. The only devil in the world is between my ears, and it only has as much power as I give it. Therefore, giving in to the shit storm in my brain would be giving in to the devil, which is really non-existent in the first place. Doh! The God of my understanding not only didn't, but couldn't create a universe that doesn't make sense, so to think that being a human, I'm on a sinking ship, and I might as well jump into the icy waters now rather than later is incorrect thinking. And, I am coming more and more to believe that the world, or my reality, is really created by me, and that I have the means available to day by day, moment by moment, create a reality that is a little more palatable.

Then there's my faith, which is different than my spiritual beliefs. My faith is my action. What am I doing to make my beliefs reality? I've been working the heck out of my spiritual tools (they're no longer in mint condition from sitting on the shelf for years). I put these beliefs into practice, and I see the results, which increases my faith. It's a vicious spiral upwards. 

So yes, I'll continue bothering. And, I think I've accomplished something here - I think I've touched upon how messed up in the head I can be while still remaining positive. Life has to be worth living. And it is. Even with the dark moments, the frustrations, the doubts, life is worth living - if I persevere, and don't go it alone.

If you've read this far, God bless you - you're a trooper for even venturing out toward my neighborhood. In any event, I feel a lot better after writing this than before.

Namaste,

Ken




Sunday, May 28, 2017

Embracing Connections

Connections are meaningful to me. I'm not talking about electrical connections, although having sound electrical connections is very important. I'm talking about connections with other human beings. I get the feeling that knowing and cultivating my connection with others and the Universe may be the single most important thing I have to do in this life; however, it's still a very scary thing for me. Important, desired, yet scary.

Early on in life, I adopted the belief that I should walk through life mostly alone. And then I created situations which supported that belief. (That's what humans do - we get an idea about the way things are, and then we set out for the rest of our lives to prove ourselves right). I tried to connect with people I couldn't trust. Or people with whom I connected had the audacity to die, or leave. I found it easier and less painful to not connect. I put shields up around me - very effective shields. I became self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed. The only people important in my life were those that I felt had a contribution to make to my safety and security.

Now, a person can become successful at that. A person can make it through their entire lives doing what they need to do to ensure that their physical survival needs are met, and nothing more. I know people who have done that. I don't believe anymore that that is the way I want to live. It's not inwardly fulfilling or rewarding for me. It's not what I'm here for - to be just another animal roaming the surface of the earth living out my life expectancy. 

I actually really began recovery - total recovery - about 4 years ago when I accepted that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking/stay alive if I didn't let people into my life and get to know the real me. If I felt that this lifetime was a one-shot deal, I probably wouldn't care so much. I believe that there are different levels of existence, and that the 'stuff' I have to face, I have to face - if not now, sometime further down the road. It's been a great life so far 😕, but I have no desire to repeat it. 

As I've mentioned once or twice before, an amazing thing happened when I began allowing people to get to know the real me, warts and all - people began to show up in my life who were real and genuine and genuinely care for me. I've always had good people in my life - I never knew where they came from, or why they were there - but now I've got even more and I appreciate them. I have connections!

Alcoholism, addiction, and mental illness destroy connections.  The drug takes the place of the connection. The mental health condition overshadows the connection. Alcoholism and depression are very lonely, painful places. I've heard many people describe that feeling of being all alone in a crowded room, and I've experienced that feeling myself. I prefer to feel lonely when I'm alone - it's slightly less painful.  Often, when people start in recovery, their loneliness - lack of connection - vanishes. For others, like me, removing the alcohol or the symptoms of my mental health condition make the loneliness more acute.

I think that very early in my life my trust in people was betrayed. I don't have a specific memory of this, but, after doing the math, it makes sense. So, when I think about friendship and connection and all that mushy stuff, I feel icky. It's scary. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't ever want to give someone enough reason or ammunition to attack me. That's the way I feel. However, I know this feeling is not conducive to recovery, and, today, I have some faith in the Process, so I am willing to allow these connections to develop. It really is creating a new reality for me.

Using various methods, I've endeavored to avoid pain my entire life. As a result, I've experienced much suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore, so I'm more willing to experience the pain that living sometimes hands out. Human relationships are not easy. Conflict is what makes us grow, and we can grow together or grow apart. I have a little idea on how to be a true, good friend, but I know for sure what doesn't work. So, bit by bit, day by day, I face my fear, set it aside, and allow these connections to happen. I don't really seek them out, but the way my life is now, I can't avoid them. 

We are all connected. We are One. We rarely know this, but it is the Truth. There is no Other. But we pretend there is, because it's easier to label someone as different or evil and ignore them (or even kill them) than it is to seek to understand them. The way to realize our connection with others is to learn to trust ourselves, and then to seek to really understand others, one person at a time.

Namaste,

Ken


Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Letting It Happen (Cooperation with the Universe)

I like things that work consistently and reliably. I have reliable transportation to work (my car, walking, or my bike), the electricity in my home is reliable, my paychecks get deposited consistently every 2 weeks. The law of inertia is reliable, which comes in handy when playing sports or throwing one's unreliable cell phone.

Spiritual principles, when practiced consistently, are reliable as well. One of them that I have used consistently for the past couple of years that works reliably for me is Letting. Michael Bernard Beckwith claims that our spiritual connection can be boiled down to Letting Go (of those things that don't serve us well) and Letting In (of Spirit).  The abundance and power of the Universe is available to us now, but I have to unlearn and let go of my beliefs that restrict that abundance, and learn how to let the power in. Perhaps better said, I need to learn how to get in the flow and go with it.

I have an interview today to see if I can be admitted into the Wisconsin Certified Peer Specialist training. I've been wanting to do this for about a year and a half. A peer specialist is a person who is in recovery from a mental health condition and/or a substance use disorder who is trained and certified to work with his/her peers - others who have mental health conditions. I've put in the footwork to get to today. I filled out the application a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleasantly surprised that I did it with ease (my history is that I loathe filling out applications. I still haven't filled out the initial application to work at NAMI, and I've been working here about 9 months). My application was accepted, and I got on the list to be interviewed. I was reviewing the list - there were 140 applicants, and they're doing 48 interviews over the next few days to fill 18 spots. And I started fretting a bit, wondering what I needed to do to get in. 

I don't need to do anything other than show up and be me. I've already done the footwork and preparation. There's nothing left to do but show up and see what happens. That's what Letting is - I do the footwork, and leave the results to the Universe (God). As I've mentioned in other posts, my concern is only with the process - how am I showing up - not the outcome. I am confident about today, but my expectations are still to 'see what happens'.

My ego tells me that I need to wheedle, cajole, and manipulate to get what I want. My higher self tells me that all that wheedling will do is destroy my peace of mind, and my peace of mind is a requirement for my sobriety and mental health. It seems like an easy choice, but sometimes, when I really want something, it's not an easy choice.

The prerequisite to this practice is to be willing to see if what I've been told is correct - that, despite appearances and any core beliefs I might currently hold, the Universe is always conspiring for my greatest good. I don't have to be a 'good' guy, I don't have to be an excellent prayer and meditator, I simply have to be a part of the Universe. And I don't have to believe this with 100% of my heart - 51% will do. (However, the more I believe, the better it works). 

So, I will go forth today to that interview, be the best me that I can be, and see what happens, and then go from there.

Namaste,

Ken


Monday, May 22, 2017

Thank You

Yesterday I celebrated two years of sobriety and recovery from depression. It seems like it's been a really long two years, and at the same time, it seems like just yesterday that I could barely walk and was sitting in the Waukesha Alano Club drinking free coffee waiting for the Salvation Army to open so I could get a bed for the night.

All of the things I have experienced over the last two years I could not have imagined, because I had given up (almost) all hope of ever having any kind of a life. 

I would not be here today if I had not stopped drinking (of course), but also if I had not addressed my mental health condition. I am very grateful for the many people that come into my life to teach me, assist me, and support me. And I am especially grateful for the people who allow me to share my experience, strength, and hope with them - the patients at Waukesha Memorial Hospital, the residents of Genesis House, and the people who avail themselves of the programs at NAMI-Waukesha. Without you, I would have no purpose. 

I am grateful to be able to acknowledge the Power of the Universe, and that I am learning how to let that Power work in me and through me. And I am grateful that I have lots to look forward to. And I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my illnesses - in seeking relief, I have found a meaningful life and a beautiful world that I never would have sought if I had not been ill.

I am grateful that today I love myself enough to want to continue on this journey.

Namaste,

Ken