One of the blessings of being in recovery/discovery is that there is always something to do, and always adjustments to be made in order to keep life balanced. As new things come into my life, I find I must either find more time and energy, or let go or lessen some of my involvement in other things. And the really neat blessing is since I still can feel overwhelmed if I trip over my shoelace, the new things coming in help me keep my recovery first.
On May 21, 2016, I celebrated 1 year of sobriety. I am very grateful to have finally found the right level of despair that led me to abandon any idea that I knew what I was doing and could manage my own sobriety/mental health. I am grateful to live in a community that has a multitude of resources for people in my position, and grateful to have some really wonderful individuals in my life. I'm also grateful that today my life has more meaning, and that I feel less and less like this is all a big waste of time.
I'm grateful for my recovery groups, I'm grateful for the opportunity to participate, no matter how low I've been. I'm grateful that I'm a better man than I was a year ago, and I'm grateful there's a lot of improvement yet to come.
Most of all I'm grateful for people like you - people who can see past circumstances and appearances and see the good (God) in others, and make the effort to uncover that good.
Thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for my sanity. Thank you for my life.
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Community
I moved to the community in which I now live almost 3 years ago. The reason in my mind was two-fold - I wanted to get out of the community I lived in at that time, which happens to be the same community in which I physically grew up, and I wanted to be closer to where most of the people I know live.
I got a whole lot more than I expected. I found a home.
All of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. That is such a sad statement, but it's true. I used to hate the community in which I grew up physically (I say 'physically' because I'm not done growing up emotionally or spiritually). When I turned 18, I moved away from that community into a community that I thought I'd like a lot better. I did. But I didn't find a home. I didn't belong there, either.
Then I spent a lot of time moving around and roaming. I didn't know I was looking for a home. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was just moving around and roaming. Maybe I was still trying to move away from that which I hated - myself.
Then, in a really misguided attempt to reconcile with my past, I moved back to the community in which I grew up physically. You've probably heard of taking a second bite of the same shit sandwich. Yep, that's it alright.
Then I moved here. I didn't feel at home immediately, but the past several months I've noticed that I really, really like living here. And the reason I mention it is because it is a strange, new, wonderful feeling. I was walking down the street I live on this morning, looking at the houses and the lawns and breathing the air, and loving where I was. I like the fact that every day when I go somewhere in my new hometown I see somebody I know.
A few weeks ago at work I had occasion to speak to someone from Mt. Airy, North Carolina. I said to her, "Now, it's my understanding that Mt. Airy is Mayberry, is that correct?" and she said it was. Then I said, "That must be a very nice place to live," and she said it was.
I like it here because I can be me here. I like it here because, for some reason, I feel like I'm supposed to be here. I like the river, I like the parks, I like the people I've met and I'm going to meet. I don't like the traffic, but I haven't driven in a year, so so what?
So, for whatever reason, I am home. I don't know if I'll always live here. I'll go where life takes me. But I get the feeling that moving forward, wherever I go, I'll be at home.
Namaste,
Ken
I got a whole lot more than I expected. I found a home.
All of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. That is such a sad statement, but it's true. I used to hate the community in which I grew up physically (I say 'physically' because I'm not done growing up emotionally or spiritually). When I turned 18, I moved away from that community into a community that I thought I'd like a lot better. I did. But I didn't find a home. I didn't belong there, either.
Then I spent a lot of time moving around and roaming. I didn't know I was looking for a home. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was just moving around and roaming. Maybe I was still trying to move away from that which I hated - myself.
Then, in a really misguided attempt to reconcile with my past, I moved back to the community in which I grew up physically. You've probably heard of taking a second bite of the same shit sandwich. Yep, that's it alright.
Then I moved here. I didn't feel at home immediately, but the past several months I've noticed that I really, really like living here. And the reason I mention it is because it is a strange, new, wonderful feeling. I was walking down the street I live on this morning, looking at the houses and the lawns and breathing the air, and loving where I was. I like the fact that every day when I go somewhere in my new hometown I see somebody I know.
A few weeks ago at work I had occasion to speak to someone from Mt. Airy, North Carolina. I said to her, "Now, it's my understanding that Mt. Airy is Mayberry, is that correct?" and she said it was. Then I said, "That must be a very nice place to live," and she said it was.
I like it here because I can be me here. I like it here because, for some reason, I feel like I'm supposed to be here. I like the river, I like the parks, I like the people I've met and I'm going to meet. I don't like the traffic, but I haven't driven in a year, so so what?
So, for whatever reason, I am home. I don't know if I'll always live here. I'll go where life takes me. But I get the feeling that moving forward, wherever I go, I'll be at home.
Namaste,
Ken
Sowing Seeds
I felt really good this morning. I felt right with myself, right with the world, ok with the weather, and right with what was mine to do today. It's not often that I feel right in so many areas. Instead of just enjoying it, I feel compelled to analyze it. One of my past wives said that was a character defect of mine - always analyzing. She might have been right, but in this case it helped confirm something I had read earlier this week.
One of my readings earlier this week said something about the happiest people are more concerned with the seeds they sow today rather than the harvest they reap today. That makes a lot of sense to me, and perhaps I feel good today because of some seeds I sowed yesterday, or last week, or 3 years ago.
My ideal approach to any given day is to know deep down that I have absolutely everything I need today - that it is already provided to me by God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, Life, whatever I choose to call It today - the great energy that flows in me an through me and everything else and keeps everything going. So, anyway, I have everything I need, so I don't have to worry about getting, because whatever I've got coming will come to me today. All I have to concern myself with is giving. What shall I give today? To whom will I give it? How will I give it?
By the way, the neat thing about giving is that giving confirms that I have something, because it's impossible to give what I don't have. That's fairly simple, isn't it?
So giving is like sowing. Jesus mentioned once or twice that we reap what we sow. That can be taken in an ominous way - for instance, if I sow violence, I will get violence back. If I spread seeds of hatred, I'll reap fruits of hatred. But I like to take it in a positive way. If I am a friend to someone today, someone will be a friend to me tomorrow (or next Tuesday, or next year). If I love today, I'll receive love back (sometime). If I give encouragement, I'll be encouraged when I need it. Kind words today come back in kind words in the future. Forgiveness - that's big - if I forgive today, I'll be forgiven. (I think Jesus said that, too - "forgive us our debts, as (in the same manner) we forgive our debtors." If I listen to someone today, then I'll be listened to. Everybody wants to be heard, right?
My unhappiest times are times of unfulfilled expectations. I've spent a large chunk of my life and a great deal of energy trying to get what I wanted. And the curious thing is that if I do actually get what I think I want, I'm very often dissatisfied and unhappy with it. Or I want more and more and more. It's tough trying to be happy living on the basis of never having enough and always needing more.
So, when I switch my purpose from getting to giving, or from reaping to sowing, I can find satisfaction. I can find peace, and I can experience acceptance and joy.
I've been continuously sober for nearly a year now ( I think I mentioned that in my last post). I've had a number of really nice experiences today (Saturday, May 14, 2016). 51 weeks ago, I did not plan any of them. Not a one. I was led into what happened today by my choices of previous days. I have what I have today because of the seeds I've sown previous days.
I should mention a couple of things here: 1, I'm not a slow learner, I'm a quick forgetter - in other words, in any given moment, I'm prone to forget what really works, and go back to my way of doing things, which is acquire, acquire, acquire; and, 2, no matter what, I can always go back to being a sower. Even in my lowest moments, I can find something to give. I've done it before. I've been on empty a number of times in my life, and when I flicked the switch of willingness, I've found something I could give. And when I found it and gave it, I found more. And more. And more. And then my pattern is to think that I have something to do with it all, other than being an instrument, and I begin to try to dictate and direct how things go. And then I'm back at #1 - forgetting what I know works best.
Very fortunately, the times I spend in forgetfulness seem to be getting less frequent and less intense. It doesn't take as long for me to see that I've got the lens turned around again.
I've already got everything I need, and all I need is to give it back.
Namaste,
Ken
One of my readings earlier this week said something about the happiest people are more concerned with the seeds they sow today rather than the harvest they reap today. That makes a lot of sense to me, and perhaps I feel good today because of some seeds I sowed yesterday, or last week, or 3 years ago.
My ideal approach to any given day is to know deep down that I have absolutely everything I need today - that it is already provided to me by God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, Life, whatever I choose to call It today - the great energy that flows in me an through me and everything else and keeps everything going. So, anyway, I have everything I need, so I don't have to worry about getting, because whatever I've got coming will come to me today. All I have to concern myself with is giving. What shall I give today? To whom will I give it? How will I give it?
By the way, the neat thing about giving is that giving confirms that I have something, because it's impossible to give what I don't have. That's fairly simple, isn't it?
So giving is like sowing. Jesus mentioned once or twice that we reap what we sow. That can be taken in an ominous way - for instance, if I sow violence, I will get violence back. If I spread seeds of hatred, I'll reap fruits of hatred. But I like to take it in a positive way. If I am a friend to someone today, someone will be a friend to me tomorrow (or next Tuesday, or next year). If I love today, I'll receive love back (sometime). If I give encouragement, I'll be encouraged when I need it. Kind words today come back in kind words in the future. Forgiveness - that's big - if I forgive today, I'll be forgiven. (I think Jesus said that, too - "forgive us our debts, as (in the same manner) we forgive our debtors." If I listen to someone today, then I'll be listened to. Everybody wants to be heard, right?
My unhappiest times are times of unfulfilled expectations. I've spent a large chunk of my life and a great deal of energy trying to get what I wanted. And the curious thing is that if I do actually get what I think I want, I'm very often dissatisfied and unhappy with it. Or I want more and more and more. It's tough trying to be happy living on the basis of never having enough and always needing more.
So, when I switch my purpose from getting to giving, or from reaping to sowing, I can find satisfaction. I can find peace, and I can experience acceptance and joy.
I've been continuously sober for nearly a year now ( I think I mentioned that in my last post). I've had a number of really nice experiences today (Saturday, May 14, 2016). 51 weeks ago, I did not plan any of them. Not a one. I was led into what happened today by my choices of previous days. I have what I have today because of the seeds I've sown previous days.
I should mention a couple of things here: 1, I'm not a slow learner, I'm a quick forgetter - in other words, in any given moment, I'm prone to forget what really works, and go back to my way of doing things, which is acquire, acquire, acquire; and, 2, no matter what, I can always go back to being a sower. Even in my lowest moments, I can find something to give. I've done it before. I've been on empty a number of times in my life, and when I flicked the switch of willingness, I've found something I could give. And when I found it and gave it, I found more. And more. And more. And then my pattern is to think that I have something to do with it all, other than being an instrument, and I begin to try to dictate and direct how things go. And then I'm back at #1 - forgetting what I know works best.
Very fortunately, the times I spend in forgetfulness seem to be getting less frequent and less intense. It doesn't take as long for me to see that I've got the lens turned around again.
I've already got everything I need, and all I need is to give it back.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Discovery
I was at a one-day conference this past weekend, and I heard something from the last speaker that I liked so I'm going to blatantly steal it. She was talking about recovery, and she said she liked to call her recovery discovery. I think that's an apt term. I think it fits: 'Hi, I'm Ken, and I'm discovering.' I like it better than saying, 'My name is Ken, and I'm a recovering alcoholic,' or '...in recovery from mental illness.' And it's a whole lot better than saying, 'I'm an alcoholic,' or 'I'm mentally ill,' because neither of those terms is very accurate today. It's been nearly a year since I've had a drink of alcohol, and it's been a while since I've been chronically symptomatic of depression.
Discovery is about finding out what I'm about and what my world is about. When I think of discovery, I think of people like Lewis and Clark, who had the courage and drive to explore places they had never been before. Or Benjamin Franklin, who liked tinkering with the world around him and flew a kite in a thunderstorm - electricity has always existed, but he 'discovered' it that day. Jesus, who discovered his Oneness with God and the Universe, and sought to show others how to discover their own Oneness. Scientists who discover new ways to treat and cure disease.
So often I get caught up in my daily have-to's - I have to go to work, I have to do my laundry, I have to exercise, go to a meeting, wash my dishes, etc. What would my day feel like if I got to go exploring today and looked forward to discovering things?
Another reason for me that discovery is more fitting than recovery is what do I have to recover in the first place? I wouldn't trade my life today for any of my yesterdays, even those before I started drinking. Recovery implies to me going back to a former state of mental/emotional/physical health. Well, ok, I much preferred my weight about 25 years ago, but, other than that, there's nothing to which I want to go back. Well, perhaps not having any gray hair, but when I look at my gray hairs, I know I earned each and every one of them!
So discovery is more fun - it's forward looking, it's exciting, it's much more than the same ol' same ol', day in and day out. It's finding out who I am, discovering who you are, and how we fit best in this world of ours.
Enjoy your discovery today!
Namaste,
Ken
Discovery is about finding out what I'm about and what my world is about. When I think of discovery, I think of people like Lewis and Clark, who had the courage and drive to explore places they had never been before. Or Benjamin Franklin, who liked tinkering with the world around him and flew a kite in a thunderstorm - electricity has always existed, but he 'discovered' it that day. Jesus, who discovered his Oneness with God and the Universe, and sought to show others how to discover their own Oneness. Scientists who discover new ways to treat and cure disease.
So often I get caught up in my daily have-to's - I have to go to work, I have to do my laundry, I have to exercise, go to a meeting, wash my dishes, etc. What would my day feel like if I got to go exploring today and looked forward to discovering things?
Another reason for me that discovery is more fitting than recovery is what do I have to recover in the first place? I wouldn't trade my life today for any of my yesterdays, even those before I started drinking. Recovery implies to me going back to a former state of mental/emotional/physical health. Well, ok, I much preferred my weight about 25 years ago, but, other than that, there's nothing to which I want to go back. Well, perhaps not having any gray hair, but when I look at my gray hairs, I know I earned each and every one of them!
So discovery is more fun - it's forward looking, it's exciting, it's much more than the same ol' same ol', day in and day out. It's finding out who I am, discovering who you are, and how we fit best in this world of ours.
Enjoy your discovery today!
Namaste,
Ken
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