Some years ago, I heard a speaker, who had some time in recovery, state that his life hadn't gotten any better since he quit drinking and began practicing a program of recovery - but that his response to life had improved dramatically. This rang very true to me - I heard it as the Truth, and stored it somewhere up in my cranium (which, to be honest, isn't always the best place to store important stuff).
I understand the concept, and it's very simple - life is how I perceive it. But, as many have discovered, knowing a Truth and living the Truth are two different things. I've heard it described in Unity as the longest journey I'll ever take - the 18" between my head and my heart.
For so long I tried to escape life while still living, and when I couldn't escape it, I did what I could to try to soften its blows. Years turned into decades of searching for a way to be ok with life and a way to be ok with myself. Nothing I discovered was sustainable. My efforts were met with disappointment, failure, shame, and immense suffering.
I was at a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. All of our meetings include a brief meditation. Tonight's meditation was Make Your Life Sacred by Sarah Blondin. She gives great meditations, and it is evident that she has experienced her own suffering, and made the journey from her head to her heart. Tonight's meditation spoke of this concept that I heard many years ago - that life really does treat me how I treat it. And I realized that I am much closer (if not there) to responding to life (and myself) in a way that creates happiness and peace - not only for me, but for those whose lives I touch.
Recovery Dharma is an addiction (substance and process) recovery program based on Buddhism's Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. One of the basic tenets of Recovery Dharma is that my suffering is created simply by my misunderstanding of reality and my unskillful reactions to it. Meditation and mindfulness practice is essential to this recovery journey. Consistent meditation practice actually changes the way the brain works - stress and anxiety are reduced, and happiness, empathy, and compassion are increased. Mindfulness allows me to take a step back from my thinking and observe how it causes my suffering.
That's all well and good, but that's still all in the head. What about this journey to the heart? Good question!
Last week I celebrated my 60th birthday, and for me it was (still is) the hugest milestone of my life since being born. I had an extraordinary experience a couple of days later - I don't remember exactly what I was doing - puttering around the house - but I got this strong feeling/thought (it came out of nowhere, as thoughts do) that suicide was no longer an option for me. On my pull-down menu of 'Reactions to Life,' self-annihilation had disappeared. It was, and is, a deep conviction that I am completely ready to face the rest of this life experience without the desire to take myself out. Now, to a lot of you reading this, you'll say, "Well, duh!" That's because it hasn't been an option for you. For me, and many others, it has been. It is exactly the same feeling, the same conviction, of those recovering alcoholics who have told me that drinking is no longer an option for them. What was once an option that seemed to be an out if life got too tough is simply no longer there, and that is nothing short of a miracle. (This doesn't mean that I no longer have to work a recovery program, because suicide and substance use are merely symptoms of the real problem, which is suffering - needless suffering from this experience called life).
Sarah Blondin spoke tonight about the mystery of life - that there are things that we will never understand on a cognitive level, but that we can accept on a heart level. Sam Harris, my meditation mentor, calls it consciousness - the awareness that life exists, and that I am a part of, an object of consciousness. Living this way, one begins to see that life is neither good nor bad, it just is. Well, doesn't that mean you just don't give a shit anymore? Good question! One might think so, but it isn't so. It actually means that I am able to care about life - yours and mine - without wholly identifying with what I my mind thinks is going on. It allows me to use compassion and empathy to sit with another person's suffering and support them without it creating suffering in me. It allows me to feel the pain of life and get to the other side without being crushed. In the end, it allows me to know, both in my head and in my heart, that I can make it - I can survive - whatever I experience. In the end, it allows me to do one thing I have never been able to do before in this lifetime (and which so many of you seem to do with ease), and that is to realize, to know deep down, that Life Is Precious. In other words, Life Is Sacred.
You see, solely in my head, life makes no sense. As some have said, life's a bitch and then you die. My stance used to be, "Let's skip the bitch part and get to the dying part." Now I stand in an ever-growing awareness that life, consciousness, is a precious gift. It is a gift that I can endeavor to give to others on this journey, through connection and sharing. Knowing that life is sacred allows me to look upon the suffering of others not with revulsion, but with compassion and empathy, because I am becoming more aware each day that your life is my life, and my life is yours. I am now much more able to practice lovingkindness toward others rather than contempt, disdain, or even hatred. I am becoming more skillful at treating myself with love and understanding rather than self-deprecation and self-hatred.
There isn't a goal on this journey, other than enlightenment, but if we make enlightenment the goal, we won't reach it and we certainly won't enjoy the journey (yes, one of the mysteries and paradoxes of life). The journey is the goal - to become aware of each moment in this journey, so that we may experience life to the fullest.
You know what I really want to do? Right now anyway - I want to speak to people who suffer and feel downtrodden and shit on by life and let them know that there is hope. Real hope. Not hope in some far off, dreamy way, like winning the lottery some day (although that hope exists, too), but hope right here, right now, in this moment, in this present experience, no matter how things may appear. That's what I want to do. I want to let people know that the pain that is inevitable in living this existence does not have to turn into suffering, and that it can have value.
I am so incredibly grateful to be here now, more so than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am grateful for all of the teachers and teachings that have led me to the way I am experiencing life in this moment, and I am truly grateful to be alive.
May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be well, and may you be free from suffering.
Namasté,
Ken
Stay happy
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