5 Year Plan?

I took a survey at work yesterday. Management is trying to find out what our 'carrots' are - what motivates us. One of the questions was, 'What would you like to be doing in 5 years?'

I've always hated the 5-year question. The last time I encountered it was several years ago when I was filling out a job application for [national pet supply chain]. I was applying for a stocking position. My reply was, 'Really? I'm not sure, but it's probably not schlepping dog food for [national pet supply chain].' And, of course, that's not what I'm doing today.

On the survey for work, I thought about it and answered, 'Breathing.' I'm way past trying to figure out what the best answer is and plugging it in. Being alive and breathing seems to be a pretty good place for me to be in 5 years, considering my last 5 (and 10, 15, 20, 30, and 40).  I suppose that points to my lack of ambition, and sometimes I feel bad that I don't have a 5 year plan. But I realize I only feel bad about that because it makes me look like I don't have any ambition, when in truth, I do.

I'm in recovery. I am recovering from mental illness and from alcoholism. That's why even being alive in 5 years is a pretty big aspiration for me. I'm not really sure that that's where I'll be. But my ambition today is to stay sober today and to stay as symptom free today as I possibly can. My ambition today is to make today the best possible day that I can. I do that today by waking up, getting up, suiting up, and showing up. And I know today that the attitude with which I show up is more important that where I show up or what I do when I do show up. I know that if I get up, suit up, and show up, I'm going to run into people today, and, to me, how I interact with the people I run into is much more important than anything else that can happen today.

I used to live each day thinking - believing - that what I did didn't matter. I used to live thinking - believing - that I had no impact, positive or negative, on the lives of others. I just didn't matter that much. So I took actions that made me feel ok in the short term, without concern for how my actions affected those around me. It just didn't matter.

Today I know I was wrong. I'm not any more important than I ever was, but I do know I'm more important than I think I am. I am connected; I am a part of, not apart from. How I treat myself and how I treat others and what I bring to life today is of utmost importance. Each day I encounter opportunities to share my gifts, and, most importantly, my divinity, with those around me, and I do that by practicing principles such as love, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, acceptance, humility, compassion, tolerance, faith, hope, gratitude, and courage (there's more, but I can't think of them all now). I also work at discovering what my true gifts are, and I work at sharing them with those around me. I don't do any of this perfectly, and I don't do any of it alone. The reward for all of this practice is that the more I give away, the more I have to give. The more I practice embracing life, the more I enjoy life, and the less afraid I am.

Last year at this time, I was headed for (if I wasn't already there) my last relapse. My aspirations were gone, along with my hope and my desire to live. Last year I was done.

On May 21st of 2015, I began recovery again, and I began using every resource I had, and I began to be open-minded and accepting. I like where I'm at today, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. There's lots of room for improvement in every area, but I like where I'm at. And what I'm often reminded of is that I did not plan to be where I'm at today last year. I just sort of arrived, a day at a time, a step at a time.

I would like to be breathing in 5 years. I would also like to be a lot less afraid to share my gifts with those around me. I'd like to have more courage, and be of more useful service to others than I am today. I'd really like to have my own bathroom. That's my only material goal - to live in a bit of a better place than I do now. Other than that, in 5 years I want to look back and be amazed. I want to look at the person I was 5 years ago and see only a vague resemblance to the person I am. I want to know deeper in my heart that I do belong, that I am an important part of life. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and truly love and appreciate the man looking back at me.

I do know that all of that is possible, if I make today the best possible day I know how to.

Namaste,

Ken