I might have written about this before, but it is so important to my recovery that it bears mentioning again. And again. And again.
For the vast majority of my life, I aspired to be what I thought other people expected me to be. I tried to live up to your expectations, even if you never told me expressly what your expectations were. But inside, and not very deep down, I knew that I could not cut it. I did not have what it takes to live life - yours, mine, or anybody else's. So, I learned a lot of workarounds - I maneuvered and manipulated so that it would appear that I was making it - that I was a competent human being that knew what he was doing and could handle most anything. I thought that's what you wanted me to be - I really did.
All this acting did not make me a successful human being. All it really did was to create a deep chasm within me - a huge separation between me and everyone else...between me and life...between me and the real me.
About 3 years ago I began the process of learning (or possibly remembering) how to live from my true self. It's not an overnight process, and it's not easy - for me it requires a constant examination of my thinking, my motives, and my actions, and a re-training of my brain.
Nearly a year ago, I surrendered any idea that I knew what I was doing, or that I knew what was best for me. I don't recall a bright light going off in my head, or Lake Michigan parting, or any burning bushes. Something within me simply stopped playing the game.
So, I started recovery exactly where I was at - sick from active alcoholism and untreated depression, homeless, jobless, penniless, carless, and with not very much of an idea of what to do about it all. And I was tired - so very, very tired.
There is a paradox here that bears mentioning - being 'around' recovery for many years, I knew what recovery looked like, and I knew what the solution was - but I didn't know it for myself. For example, if someone comes to me desiring recovery, I can point them in the right direction and get them started; however, I cannot orchestrate or direct my own recovery. I suppose it's because I'm the broken one, and I can't fix what's broken (me) with what broke me in the first place (me). I must ask for and accept guidance from those around me.
About a year ago, I began earnestly following the suggestions of those who were suggesting things to me. I stopped using alcohol. I began going to recovery meetings again. I started living at the Salvation Army. I engaged in Intensive Outpatient Treatment for alcoholism. I acquired a doctor, who made some suggestions. I began going to NAMI support groups to begin recovery from depression. After two months of sobriety, when I found myself still wishing I were dead and not having much hope, I agreed to start taking medication for depression. I got a crappy part-time job at the local retailer of donated goods. I accepted the invitation to spend a month (which turned into 6 weeks) at the halfway house from which I had graduated nearly two years before. I finished my IOP treatment and I moved into a rooming house (where I still reside and share the bathroom with others). I followed the suggestion of a friend and applied for a full-time job where he works, and I still work there today. I became self-supporting, meaning I pay my own rent, I buy my own food and other necessities, I pay off some of my debt each paycheck, and I keep current with my expenses (I don't borrow money or neglect bills anymore). I still walk, ride my bike, or ride the bus - right now, I can't afford a car. I've become more deeply involved in NAMI. I'm in therapy and I'm avoiding romantic relationships.
That's some of the stuff I'm doing, and what makes it important for me is that I'm not living outside of my current capabilities. I'm taking a realistic look at what I can do today and learning and growing from there, instead of trying to live from a place of what I (or others) think I should be doing. I'm learning to be me, where I'm at today and what I'm about today, and I'm learning to be OK with it.
The real kicker is this - I spent all those years - 50+ - working at projecting a false image of myself in the hope of gaining approval and happiness, and I found neither. As I mentioned before, now I endeavor to find out who I am and live from that, no matter what I think others think of that (I've found out that most people don't give a shit anyway). The result is that I like myself better and I experience more happiness and peace of mind being me than I've ever experienced before, and sometimes it's even fun exploring who I am. And it's really only just begun. I might not be too much to write home about, but I'm real, and today I can live with that (and myself).
Namasté
Ken
Namaste indeed.
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