It's All Mine

I am very grateful for both of my jobs. I can only imagine where I'd be without them. Both of my jobs require me to model recovery. For me, this means that if I come into work late and angry with myself, and upset that nothing around me seems to be going right, I must behave differently than I feel. And when I begin to behave differently than I feel - in other words, when I begin to put into action the things I've learned in recovery - I see that my feelings, though they may be valid, aren't good indicators of the way I ought to behave.

A line from one of the recovery texts says something like this: "When I am upset or disturbed, there is something wrong with my thinking." The author called this a spiritual axiom, and it has been most useful to me. What this line says to me is that my natural state is peace, because I know Who's in charge, and it isn't me, and also that all is well, despite how it may seem to me. This axiom is the basis of practicing my life from the inside out, which I endeavor to do. It means that, second to my actions, my attitude is the most important thing over which I have control. 

I don't know if it's a good thing or not - I kind of think it is - that I don't outwardly show when I'm upset or disturbed. It's good in that if I always spoke or showed what was going on in my head or my feelings, I probably wouldn't have any friends or any jobs. On the other hand, suppressed emotion causes sickness and more emotional distress, which can lead to collapse. When I am unable to turn my own thinking or feelings around, I talk with one of my mentors about what is going on,

So I'm at work this morning and I'm picking on everything that everybody else did or is doing wrong. And what am I going to do. But, the niggling thought comes back, "The problem isn't out there, Ken, it's within you." Shit. So, at this point, I'm half-paralyzed, because there's stuff to do, but I don't want to act out of my disturbances, and I'm still feeling disturbed. I take things slowly, and think to myself, "What would a sane, rational person do?" And I proceed, slowly, to do that. It's like walking with a broken toe - I can still walk, but I need to step gingerly.

For instance, one of the things disturbing me was that I found out someone lied to me. Thinking error #1 - they didn't lie to me specifically - they put down false information on a sheet of paper. But I was upset, thinking, "Who does this person think he is? Does he think we're stupid?" Thinking error #2 - this person's lie had nothing to do with me or anyone else but himself. The whole thing is that I'm taking something personally that isn't directed at me at all, and, after thinking about it a bit, the consequences of this person's lying are going to be all his. What is my part in it? Upon discovering the falsification, I reported it to my superior, and am following his instructions. Boom, end of story. 

The ability to understand that my life is not what goes on around me, but what goes in within me is one of the greatest blessings I've received in recovery. Things don't have to be 'right' for me to be ok.  But, sometimes, things get reversed in my head for a while. The really neat thing is that once the above stated misperception became clearer to me, the rest of the things that were 'wrong' no longer upset me (or had power over me) either. It's stuff to deal with, one way or another, but it doesn't have to rule my emotional day.

In early recovery we're taught to act differently that we think or feel. "I need a drink." Call someone instead, or go to a meeting, or do something besides that first thought. "I'm so angry and I'm going to let everybody know." Ok, calm down and find some peace first, and if it's still important to let everybody know, do it in a way that isn't violent, abusive, or destructive to me or anyone else. In our sickness, and in our early recovery, our feelings have power over us. In recovery, we learn to take different actions, and to eventually reclaim our power over our thoughts and feelings. 

And that's why I'm really grateful for my jobs - they remind me that whatever is going on inside of me, it's all mine. Nothing and no one can cause me to feel any way - my feelings are my domain. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, even physically, it is much better, though often more challenging, to live this way.