As some of you know, I'm struggling right now - struggling with sobriety, and struggling with staying alive. I'm not going to go into the gory details in this post - as I've demonstrated in most posts, I hope, the message is more important. The mechanics of recovery can be picked up in a few simple easy lessons, if we're willing. Much more, to me, is what these are about - what they teach us about resilience, love, and learning, and especially how to let the God in us shine through, even when we think we're buried 10 feet beneath us in the shit.
Because the whole story, in anybody's story, is how to let the God shine through. And some days are more challenging than others!
(By the way, if you are not religiously inclined, and that really is ok, substitute the word God in the paragraphs above with Source, Force, Universe, Jesus. Creative Presence, Zach - because, in the end, the name we attach to that with fills our life with Good is less important than recognizing the force Itself. Yugo. Whatever).
So, I have been going through a tough time. Will I live? Probably, but at this point I have some very valid doubts. I might die. I hurt all over, I'm sick all over, and, at times, I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR THIS LONG. The reason I'm not afraid to say this is that I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. This, though I'd like it to be, is not an uncommon feeling. Many alcoholics/addicts and people in mental health recovery have felt or are feeling this. My deal is that I'm one of the folks willing to talk about it.
Many of us who have grown up in 12-Step recovery programs have been taught that if you gain a certain simple attitude and follow these very simple instructions, you will gain "Sobriety" for the rest or your days of conscious existence. And it's true! Unless, of course, you have co-occurring conditions, or, the white-bread world of the founders of 12-Step programs doesn't apply to you, or you have something else going on besides pure alcoholism/addiction.
Listen (read) closely, because this might save your life or someone else's: There are as many ways to recover from substance use disorder and/or mental health disorders as there are people who have them. I can't, and would not want to, count up the number of needless deaths from people who have been taught and believed otherwise.
It's really possible that I'm trying to save my own life in writing this; perhaps I am, and maybe that's ok. If it's not, God, or the Universe, or Luke and his Force will let me know.
Recovery is individual. It's wonderful - very much so, if you drank for 20 years. stayed sober for 40 years, and died peacefully in your sleep. That isn't everybody's path, and, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Recovery looks different for everybody. Even for those in a 12-Step recovery program. It would be really, really cool if this weren't the case, but it just doesn't seem to be so. Seemingly, there are as many recovery programs as there are people needing them. That's a big shocker, aintso? Seems to be the case, though.
Here's why I'm writing this: I am really, really done with running with the idea that people in need of recovery need one program - I've seen that kill people. I really have.
I think it would be really helpful for people in the recovery to start looking at recovery as more than an "all or nothing" type of thing. I think we might find more people experiencing recovery as a result.
And isn't that the goal? Or shouldn't it be? I believe more now than ever in the support aspect of recovery. Getting to know a person, and finding out what they want their recovery to look like. Surprisingly enough, that's SAMSHA's idea as well.
Here's the bottom line: If I die tonight, (or this morning, by now), I die. Will I be considered a loser, because I did not have 35 years of so or recovery? Or will the things that I did while I was striving for recovery count? Let's face it, I'm going to take my consciousness with me, so whether I'm a complete loser or a complete success (or somewhere in between) are pretty much up to me. But shouldn't I (or we) offer others the same opportunity?
The very, very most important thing to do is to hang in there, because in so doing, you (and I) give the next person the opportunity to recover.
Namasté,
Ken
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