I like to share about the (mostly) positive experiences that I encounter on my journey. The reason I haven't shared much lately is not that I haven't had positive experiences lately - it's that much of what I've been experiencing has been difficult to put into words. Something happened today, however, that was a real 'aha' moment for me, and I can very clearly see the hand of Spirit working in my life, something for which I have been praying lately. So here we go:
I have been living in sober living in Prescott Valley since February 8, 2020. Part of living here is paying the rent, which requires, in most cases, getting a job and earning money. It sounds fairly simple when I write it down in black and white! However, I found a bunch of obstacles to me gaining employment - lack of my own phone, lack of reliable transportation, lack of decent clothing, etc. But the real obstacle was my thinking, which was heavily influenced by a still-depressed mood. Put very simply, I wasn't feeling working, ya know? I really had trouble expressing what I felt to others, and I was often dishonest when asked how my job search was going. I had a lot of irrational reasons (fears) why I didn't want to venture into the job market. Once my rent bill would have hit $1000, I'd be asked to leave and be on the streets. A few events stayed my sentence of homelessness - I was offered a position by the owners of this house to wave a sign in front of their other business in exchange for rent credit; I filed my tax returns and received a good refund; our pandemic crisis occurred and I received a stimulus check, with which I bought a bicycle.
Somewhere along the line my mood and disposition improved and my fears lessened enough for me to stick a toe into the cold, scary waters of the job market. I had received notice that one of those dollar-discount stores in the area was hiring. I had applied to one of them a couple of months ago, but I don't think I passed their stupid pre-employment screenings about whether or not I'd snitch on errant co-workers. So I applied at another store online, and I thought I was applying at the one that is next door to the supermarket I frequent, because these stores all have 'dollar' in their name.
Today I got a callback from one of the stores, and I set up an interview for tomorrow. Yay! I got my foot in the door! I called my sponsor and let him know, and I told him the name of the store. He said, "Oh yeah, that's over by Home Depot," I said, "No, I think it's by Safeway." And we left it at that. But, I got to wondering, was I wrong? I looked it up, and, sure enough, I was wrong - I applied to the one next to Home Depot, not the one next to Safeway. I of course let my sponsor know he was correct.
So how does this turn into a spiritual moment? Well, I've heard a couple of things regarding that - one is that anytime we go against our egoic (fear-based) thinking, that's spiritual. The other is that any time an alcoholic questions his own thinking, that's a spiritual experience. I thought about where I'd be tomorrow if I didn't verify my destination - at the wrong store looking confused. Worse, there's a good possibility that I would have used that mistake against myself, and lost any confidence I might have gained lately. Such is the nature of early recovery that we don't get over our own mistakes in sobriety right now as well as we will in the future.
So this is another save - an instance where I did the right thing (checked out my own thinking) and saved myself some trouble. But I can't take full credit! For the past few weeks I have been earnestly working the spiritual part of my recovery program that includes prayer and meditation. Skillful prayer and meditation opens the consciousness - it's that simple. There's a lot of progress when someone in recovery begins living in the solution rather than the problem, and I had been living in the problem - relying on my own thinking the majority of the time. That type of living makes life more difficult than it already is. When I begin practicing openness or openmindedness, and when I start practicing trust and willingness, all sorts of doors start opening up, and I'm grateful for that Truth.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, NKJV)
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Consiousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Consiousness. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Am I Legitimate?
Yes, my parents were married when I was born. In the not-so-old days, if one's parents were not married by the time one was born, one was considered 'illegitimate' or a bastard, which meant one was not heir to one's father's estate or title. Curiously enough, I found the followiing in Wikipedia regarding illegitimacy: "In Scots law, the terminology of natural son or natural daughter has the same implications. The prefix "Fitz-" added to a surname (e.g., FitzRoy) sometimes denoted that the child's parents were not married at the time of birth." So you may legitimately say of your neighbor, "That bastard Fitzsimmons!" At any rate, legitimacy is not really an issue as much as it used to be, but there was a stigma to being born to a single mom.
When I was released from prison for the last time in 2002, I had no ID except for my prison ID, and I had no keys. When I was able to procure a legitimate Wisconsin ID, I felt more legitimate. This ID says legally who I am, and allows me to do things like buy liquor, gamble, and fly in an airplane. (Note that only one of those things is good for me to do). When I received the key to the apartment that the DOC (Department of Corrections) had provided for me, I felt more legitimate. The key meant that I had a place, that I wasn't homeless.
I write about this because I used to feel like I didn't belong most of the time. This feeling of not belonging is a symptom shared by many who live with alcoholism/addiction and depression and other mental illnesses. I've heard from many who share that early on, before the onset of their illness, they felt like they didn't belong. I felt foreign in my family, I felt foreign in kindergarten, I felt foreign growing up and into much of my adulthood, and I can still feel foreign, or what I call illegitimate, today.
You see, currently I'm homeless, but not really. I'm in a state of limbo. I don't have my own place to live, so I sleep at the shelter (the Salvation Army in Waukesha, which is the best shelter I've ever slept in, and I've experienced a number of shelters across the United States), but I'm not really homeless because I have the keys to my girlfriend's apartment (I'm here right now) and I have permission to come and go as I please (so long as I'm sober). I have a job to go to. I can vote in the upcoming election. I can drive a car (sort of - my license was suspended, and now it's valid, but it could be suspended again in the near future; it's complicated).
See all qualifiers in the preceding paragraph? Those are qualifiers to my current life; however, they aren't qualifiers to my existence, or to my legitimacy. I exist, therefore I am. My stance on humanity is that if I can see you, touch you, smell you, and feel you, and you look pretty much like a human being, you exist, and you are; therefore, you are legitimate. It doesn't matter if your parents are married, or if you have a place to stay, or if you have a job. If you are, you are a child of God, and you get treated that way.
However, I have a hard time sometimes applying that policy to myself. I want to feel, in a deep-down way, that I belong, that I am 'legit', no matter what - that I am because I am, and that is enough. Job or no job, girlfriend or no girlfriend, home or no home, swelling bank account or no account, I deserve to be here because I am here.
Did you know that as Children of God (or of Source or of the Universe or whatever works) that we are heirs to all that God or the Universe has? That we are intrinsically a part of the Universe, and nothing and nobody can take that away from us? We are because we are, and it can be no other way.
Yet the mind, or, more accurately, the ego, tells me I'm not, that I'm different, that I'm somehow less than if I don't have things like a job and a 'valid' place to live, a partner, nice clothes, etc. Even when I have those things, I can feel less than.
I think we're born knowing who we really are. I think we forget along the way, or we're taught differently. I think along the way we get taught conditional love, and get it confused with Unconditional Love.
When I was in prison, I had a couple of guys threaten my life. I stood up to them and told them to go ahead and try to kill me, because that's what you have to do in prison. Obviously they didn't. Nowadays the only guy I have to be wary of is me! I would like to get to the point where I don't make choices or take actions that are harmful to me. I don't even want the harmful thoughts.
That's it - it's fairly simple, really. I want to think and behave from a place of Unconditional Love toward myself and others. But since I learned one incident or one word at a time that I was unworthy, I must work back toward knowing who I really am one word and one action at a time, and I must be forgiving of my mistakes. I learned who I am from people who had no idea who they really were; now I must relearn from the Power greater than myself. Day in and day out, this must be my priority over all else - is my thinking and my behavior coming from a place of Unconditional Love, and if not, how do I move it into alignment with Unconditional Love?
It looks like I'll have enough things to keep me busy for a lifetime!
Namasté,
Ken
When I was released from prison for the last time in 2002, I had no ID except for my prison ID, and I had no keys. When I was able to procure a legitimate Wisconsin ID, I felt more legitimate. This ID says legally who I am, and allows me to do things like buy liquor, gamble, and fly in an airplane. (Note that only one of those things is good for me to do). When I received the key to the apartment that the DOC (Department of Corrections) had provided for me, I felt more legitimate. The key meant that I had a place, that I wasn't homeless.
I write about this because I used to feel like I didn't belong most of the time. This feeling of not belonging is a symptom shared by many who live with alcoholism/addiction and depression and other mental illnesses. I've heard from many who share that early on, before the onset of their illness, they felt like they didn't belong. I felt foreign in my family, I felt foreign in kindergarten, I felt foreign growing up and into much of my adulthood, and I can still feel foreign, or what I call illegitimate, today.
You see, currently I'm homeless, but not really. I'm in a state of limbo. I don't have my own place to live, so I sleep at the shelter (the Salvation Army in Waukesha, which is the best shelter I've ever slept in, and I've experienced a number of shelters across the United States), but I'm not really homeless because I have the keys to my girlfriend's apartment (I'm here right now) and I have permission to come and go as I please (so long as I'm sober). I have a job to go to. I can vote in the upcoming election. I can drive a car (sort of - my license was suspended, and now it's valid, but it could be suspended again in the near future; it's complicated).
See all qualifiers in the preceding paragraph? Those are qualifiers to my current life; however, they aren't qualifiers to my existence, or to my legitimacy. I exist, therefore I am. My stance on humanity is that if I can see you, touch you, smell you, and feel you, and you look pretty much like a human being, you exist, and you are; therefore, you are legitimate. It doesn't matter if your parents are married, or if you have a place to stay, or if you have a job. If you are, you are a child of God, and you get treated that way.
However, I have a hard time sometimes applying that policy to myself. I want to feel, in a deep-down way, that I belong, that I am 'legit', no matter what - that I am because I am, and that is enough. Job or no job, girlfriend or no girlfriend, home or no home, swelling bank account or no account, I deserve to be here because I am here.
Did you know that as Children of God (or of Source or of the Universe or whatever works) that we are heirs to all that God or the Universe has? That we are intrinsically a part of the Universe, and nothing and nobody can take that away from us? We are because we are, and it can be no other way.
Yet the mind, or, more accurately, the ego, tells me I'm not, that I'm different, that I'm somehow less than if I don't have things like a job and a 'valid' place to live, a partner, nice clothes, etc. Even when I have those things, I can feel less than.
I think we're born knowing who we really are. I think we forget along the way, or we're taught differently. I think along the way we get taught conditional love, and get it confused with Unconditional Love.
When I was in prison, I had a couple of guys threaten my life. I stood up to them and told them to go ahead and try to kill me, because that's what you have to do in prison. Obviously they didn't. Nowadays the only guy I have to be wary of is me! I would like to get to the point where I don't make choices or take actions that are harmful to me. I don't even want the harmful thoughts.
That's it - it's fairly simple, really. I want to think and behave from a place of Unconditional Love toward myself and others. But since I learned one incident or one word at a time that I was unworthy, I must work back toward knowing who I really am one word and one action at a time, and I must be forgiving of my mistakes. I learned who I am from people who had no idea who they really were; now I must relearn from the Power greater than myself. Day in and day out, this must be my priority over all else - is my thinking and my behavior coming from a place of Unconditional Love, and if not, how do I move it into alignment with Unconditional Love?
It looks like I'll have enough things to keep me busy for a lifetime!
Namasté,
Ken
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me
In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.
In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me.
Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.
So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.
I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.
I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.
So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.
I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.
This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.
Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.
Namasté,
Ken
In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me.
Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.
So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.
I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.
I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.
So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.
I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.
This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.
Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.
Namasté,
Ken
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Making a Difference - Part II
As some of you know, I'm struggling right now - struggling with sobriety, and struggling with staying alive. I'm not going to go into the gory details in this post - as I've demonstrated in most posts, I hope, the message is more important. The mechanics of recovery can be picked up in a few simple easy lessons, if we're willing. Much more, to me, is what these are about - what they teach us about resilience, love, and learning, and especially how to let the God in us shine through, even when we think we're buried 10 feet beneath us in the shit.
Because the whole story, in anybody's story, is how to let the God shine through. And some days are more challenging than others!
(By the way, if you are not religiously inclined, and that really is ok, substitute the word God in the paragraphs above with Source, Force, Universe, Jesus. Creative Presence, Zach - because, in the end, the name we attach to that with fills our life with Good is less important than recognizing the force Itself. Yugo. Whatever).
So, I have been going through a tough time. Will I live? Probably, but at this point I have some very valid doubts. I might die. I hurt all over, I'm sick all over, and, at times, I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR THIS LONG. The reason I'm not afraid to say this is that I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. This, though I'd like it to be, is not an uncommon feeling. Many alcoholics/addicts and people in mental health recovery have felt or are feeling this. My deal is that I'm one of the folks willing to talk about it.
Many of us who have grown up in 12-Step recovery programs have been taught that if you gain a certain simple attitude and follow these very simple instructions, you will gain "Sobriety" for the rest or your days of conscious existence. And it's true! Unless, of course, you have co-occurring conditions, or, the white-bread world of the founders of 12-Step programs doesn't apply to you, or you have something else going on besides pure alcoholism/addiction.
Listen (read) closely, because this might save your life or someone else's: There are as many ways to recover from substance use disorder and/or mental health disorders as there are people who have them. I can't, and would not want to, count up the number of needless deaths from people who have been taught and believed otherwise.
It's really possible that I'm trying to save my own life in writing this; perhaps I am, and maybe that's ok. If it's not, God, or the Universe, or Luke and his Force will let me know.
Recovery is individual. It's wonderful - very much so, if you drank for 20 years. stayed sober for 40 years, and died peacefully in your sleep. That isn't everybody's path, and, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Recovery looks different for everybody. Even for those in a 12-Step recovery program. It would be really, really cool if this weren't the case, but it just doesn't seem to be so. Seemingly, there are as many recovery programs as there are people needing them. That's a big shocker, aintso? Seems to be the case, though.
Here's why I'm writing this: I am really, really done with running with the idea that people in need of recovery need one program - I've seen that kill people. I really have.
I think it would be really helpful for people in the recovery to start looking at recovery as more than an "all or nothing" type of thing. I think we might find more people experiencing recovery as a result.
And isn't that the goal? Or shouldn't it be? I believe more now than ever in the support aspect of recovery. Getting to know a person, and finding out what they want their recovery to look like. Surprisingly enough, that's SAMSHA's idea as well.
Here's the bottom line: If I die tonight, (or this morning, by now), I die. Will I be considered a loser, because I did not have 35 years of so or recovery? Or will the things that I did while I was striving for recovery count? Let's face it, I'm going to take my consciousness with me, so whether I'm a complete loser or a complete success (or somewhere in between) are pretty much up to me. But shouldn't I (or we) offer others the same opportunity?
The very, very most important thing to do is to hang in there, because in so doing, you (and I) give the next person the opportunity to recover.
Namasté,
Ken
Because the whole story, in anybody's story, is how to let the God shine through. And some days are more challenging than others!
(By the way, if you are not religiously inclined, and that really is ok, substitute the word God in the paragraphs above with Source, Force, Universe, Jesus. Creative Presence, Zach - because, in the end, the name we attach to that with fills our life with Good is less important than recognizing the force Itself. Yugo. Whatever).
So, I have been going through a tough time. Will I live? Probably, but at this point I have some very valid doubts. I might die. I hurt all over, I'm sick all over, and, at times, I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT FOR THIS LONG. The reason I'm not afraid to say this is that I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. This, though I'd like it to be, is not an uncommon feeling. Many alcoholics/addicts and people in mental health recovery have felt or are feeling this. My deal is that I'm one of the folks willing to talk about it.
Many of us who have grown up in 12-Step recovery programs have been taught that if you gain a certain simple attitude and follow these very simple instructions, you will gain "Sobriety" for the rest or your days of conscious existence. And it's true! Unless, of course, you have co-occurring conditions, or, the white-bread world of the founders of 12-Step programs doesn't apply to you, or you have something else going on besides pure alcoholism/addiction.
Listen (read) closely, because this might save your life or someone else's: There are as many ways to recover from substance use disorder and/or mental health disorders as there are people who have them. I can't, and would not want to, count up the number of needless deaths from people who have been taught and believed otherwise.
It's really possible that I'm trying to save my own life in writing this; perhaps I am, and maybe that's ok. If it's not, God, or the Universe, or Luke and his Force will let me know.
Recovery is individual. It's wonderful - very much so, if you drank for 20 years. stayed sober for 40 years, and died peacefully in your sleep. That isn't everybody's path, and, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Recovery looks different for everybody. Even for those in a 12-Step recovery program. It would be really, really cool if this weren't the case, but it just doesn't seem to be so. Seemingly, there are as many recovery programs as there are people needing them. That's a big shocker, aintso? Seems to be the case, though.
Here's why I'm writing this: I am really, really done with running with the idea that people in need of recovery need one program - I've seen that kill people. I really have.
I think it would be really helpful for people in the recovery to start looking at recovery as more than an "all or nothing" type of thing. I think we might find more people experiencing recovery as a result.
And isn't that the goal? Or shouldn't it be? I believe more now than ever in the support aspect of recovery. Getting to know a person, and finding out what they want their recovery to look like. Surprisingly enough, that's SAMSHA's idea as well.
Here's the bottom line: If I die tonight, (or this morning, by now), I die. Will I be considered a loser, because I did not have 35 years of so or recovery? Or will the things that I did while I was striving for recovery count? Let's face it, I'm going to take my consciousness with me, so whether I'm a complete loser or a complete success (or somewhere in between) are pretty much up to me. But shouldn't I (or we) offer others the same opportunity?
The very, very most important thing to do is to hang in there, because in so doing, you (and I) give the next person the opportunity to recover.
Namasté,
Ken
Thursday, September 13, 2018
No Comparison
One of the common threads of addiction and mental/emotional unwellness is the belief that we are less-than; that, as we are, we aren't enough and probably never will be. I don't know if this false belief is the chicken or the egg, but once it's deeply rooted, it feeds on itself and proves itself over and over again. It is essential to my recovery that I reverse this belief.
Last night I met with a group of people to do a little spiritual exploring. I had only met one person in this group once before; I had never consciously met the other 6 people there. There were a lot of notable things that happened last night, but for the purposes of this post, I'm going to focus on this: Even though I didn't really know these folks, and even though I didn't know exactly what we'd be doing, I felt totally comfortable and at home among them. I will note that nobody asked me who I was, why was I there, where I was from, what I did for work, how old I was, if I was single or married, if I was in recovery, or any of that. I was among a group of people for whom those things don't matter, and they didn't matter to me, either.
So, today I recognize that by being myself, and not trying to be anybody else, I am led to situations and people that are right for me. This is a big turnaround for me, and relatively recent. It's awesome because I've spent most of my life trying (and failing) to measure up to people around me. There is a great sense of freedom and serenity in not having to measure up.
I grew up with the belief that I was pretty useless, and would never measure up. Looking back, I can see the biggest error of my ways was that I never shared with others what I thought about myself or how I felt inside - therefore, I never received any arguments to my thinking, and I didn't realize it was flawed thinking. And I reinforced my thinking every step of the way. I remember very well being about 5 or 6 and looking at my brother's or sister's mathematics book, not understanding it a bit, and feeling stupid and thinking, "I'll never be able to do that." Which became the truth - I never did master algebra; however, most 6 year old children do not have a grasp on algebra - I was comparing myself to people who had lived twice as long as I had, and feeling bad because I didn't measure up. I look back on that today, and I'm like, "Doh!" But it was very real to me. And so it continued - I compared myself to those around me, and even in my age group I was never the smartest, cutest, brightest, fastest, strongest, nicest, funniest. Never!
And the incredibly sad part is I was also never the best me I could be, because I was always trying to be like somebody else.
Five years ago around this time, I understood that if I were to live, I'd have to learn to be authentic. What does that mean? What does that look like? At it's very core, being authentic means I am unashamedly myself. I stop apologizing for who I am. (Please note that I still apologize when I wrong or hurt someone). I stop shaming myself when someone else doesn't think I measure up. I begin to put into practice the idea that I was created with my unique set of gifts for a reason, and I stop trying to justify myself or my existence to myself or to others. I begin following a path that feels right inside. I begin releasing the expectations that I think others have put on me.
And this is an important point, and the one that I drive home with myself and those with whom I work: Even though I was given a certain set of expectations by the society and family in which I was raised, in the end, it is my responsibility to listen to my inner guide, my higher self, and follow Its guidance. I begin to find out what brings me joy and peace, and put more attention on doing those things and becoming the same person on the outside that I am on the inside.
It means moving into alignment - with God, if you will, or my higher self, or my conscience. Finding this alignment, this peace with who I really am, is essential to my recovery - when I am at peace with how I'm showing up in the world, I don't find it necessary to drink alcohol or use drugs. There is no inner conflict that needs to be quelled; if I want to change my mood, I do it by placing my attention on what makes me feel the way we want to feel.
One of the great benefits of allowing myself to be me is that I begin to allow others to be themselves as well. I drop the comparisons. I stop assuming I know what is best for you. Even better, I become more concerned with getting to know your insides rather than your outsides. The Truth begins to take on more importance than the illusion. And I'm not very concerned with how you view me.
Life is less frustrating for me today, more enjoyable, more peaceful, more real, more purposeful. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Namasté,
Ken
Last night I met with a group of people to do a little spiritual exploring. I had only met one person in this group once before; I had never consciously met the other 6 people there. There were a lot of notable things that happened last night, but for the purposes of this post, I'm going to focus on this: Even though I didn't really know these folks, and even though I didn't know exactly what we'd be doing, I felt totally comfortable and at home among them. I will note that nobody asked me who I was, why was I there, where I was from, what I did for work, how old I was, if I was single or married, if I was in recovery, or any of that. I was among a group of people for whom those things don't matter, and they didn't matter to me, either.
So, today I recognize that by being myself, and not trying to be anybody else, I am led to situations and people that are right for me. This is a big turnaround for me, and relatively recent. It's awesome because I've spent most of my life trying (and failing) to measure up to people around me. There is a great sense of freedom and serenity in not having to measure up.
I grew up with the belief that I was pretty useless, and would never measure up. Looking back, I can see the biggest error of my ways was that I never shared with others what I thought about myself or how I felt inside - therefore, I never received any arguments to my thinking, and I didn't realize it was flawed thinking. And I reinforced my thinking every step of the way. I remember very well being about 5 or 6 and looking at my brother's or sister's mathematics book, not understanding it a bit, and feeling stupid and thinking, "I'll never be able to do that." Which became the truth - I never did master algebra; however, most 6 year old children do not have a grasp on algebra - I was comparing myself to people who had lived twice as long as I had, and feeling bad because I didn't measure up. I look back on that today, and I'm like, "Doh!" But it was very real to me. And so it continued - I compared myself to those around me, and even in my age group I was never the smartest, cutest, brightest, fastest, strongest, nicest, funniest. Never!
And the incredibly sad part is I was also never the best me I could be, because I was always trying to be like somebody else.
Five years ago around this time, I understood that if I were to live, I'd have to learn to be authentic. What does that mean? What does that look like? At it's very core, being authentic means I am unashamedly myself. I stop apologizing for who I am. (Please note that I still apologize when I wrong or hurt someone). I stop shaming myself when someone else doesn't think I measure up. I begin to put into practice the idea that I was created with my unique set of gifts for a reason, and I stop trying to justify myself or my existence to myself or to others. I begin following a path that feels right inside. I begin releasing the expectations that I think others have put on me.
And this is an important point, and the one that I drive home with myself and those with whom I work: Even though I was given a certain set of expectations by the society and family in which I was raised, in the end, it is my responsibility to listen to my inner guide, my higher self, and follow Its guidance. I begin to find out what brings me joy and peace, and put more attention on doing those things and becoming the same person on the outside that I am on the inside.
It means moving into alignment - with God, if you will, or my higher self, or my conscience. Finding this alignment, this peace with who I really am, is essential to my recovery - when I am at peace with how I'm showing up in the world, I don't find it necessary to drink alcohol or use drugs. There is no inner conflict that needs to be quelled; if I want to change my mood, I do it by placing my attention on what makes me feel the way we want to feel.
One of the great benefits of allowing myself to be me is that I begin to allow others to be themselves as well. I drop the comparisons. I stop assuming I know what is best for you. Even better, I become more concerned with getting to know your insides rather than your outsides. The Truth begins to take on more importance than the illusion. And I'm not very concerned with how you view me.
Life is less frustrating for me today, more enjoyable, more peaceful, more real, more purposeful. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, January 14, 2018
I Don't Have To Write This
I've known for a while that 'languaging' is very important to my recovery and my spiritual growth (which are becoming more and more inseparable). The way in which I use words, the way in which I think, can make a big difference in the way I feel about myself and the world in which I live. This morning, in a flash of insight, I realized that 'Have To' is one of the causes of anxiety.
I'm going to go back now about 50 years. I went to public school kindergarten. The school district had rented out some classrooms in a church for kindergarten. The church and school was situated on one side of the street, and there was a parking lot across the street which was used as a playground during recess. While school was in session, the street was blocked off so there was no traffic between the school and the playground.
Kindergarten is where I received some very formative lessons. The first day of kindergarten, when we went to recess, the teacher led the class of 5- and 6-year olds across the street to the playground. Of course, being the good leader she was, she had us use the crosswalk. Being still young and not informed in the ways of the world, or maybe because I just didn't see the point, I did not walk within the crosswalk. Our teacher noticed this and yelled at me to get back within the lines. I could say in retrospect that if she had explained to me that we are walking within the crosswalk because it's a good idea to practice safety rules even when it doesn't seem necessary, I might have gotten it and wouldn't have felt hurt and angry. There are two things wrong with that idea - 50 years ago we did not explain shit to children - you either did what you were told and everybody was happy, or you didn't and suffered the consequences. 'Why?' wasn't usually discussed. The 2nd thing is that I don't think I would have understood what the hell she was talking about. All I knew was that I got yelled at for no good reason, just for doing what I wanted to.
I'm going to preface just a little more here - I am a rebel. I have a rebellious nature inside of me. Tell me to do something, and I'll want to do the opposite. Couple the rebellious nature with a personality that has an unhealthy need for the approval of others, and you get a boy who learns to rebel in very sneaky ways. I had some friends growing up who were very outwardly rebellious. It seems like their middle finger was in an upright and locked position all of the time. This is one of my small regrets - that I hadn't been outwardly rebellious. I think it caused me a lot of pain later on in life. Depression has been said to be the opposite of expression, and perhaps if I had been more outwardly expressive with the way I really felt inside, I would have been emotionally healthier. But this is the way things worked out, so here we are. Today I am still rebellious, which I think is just fantastic - I no longer shame myself for thinking outside of the box. I do try to stay constructive with my rebellion, because rebellion, in and of itself, is a good thing. Rebellion is what causes change, and change is good (or at least inevitable).
So how does any of this relate to my thesis statement, that 'have to' causes anxiety? Because we don't have to do anything. Nor 'should' we do anything. Both 'have to' and 'should' can occupy the same spot in the trash can.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As spiritual beings, we are free. There are no 'shoulds' or
'have tos'. 'Have to' is a purely human, social construct, and, when I'm told I 'have to' do something, it causes cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, I've been trained that there are certain things that I 'have to' do. That's a neural pathway in my brain. However, my soul knows that there is nothing that I have to do - my soul can express as much or as little as it does, but it doesn't have to do a damn thing. So when someone tells me, or my brain tells me, that I have to do something, that is in disagreement with what I know to be the Truth, and it causes anxiety.
Please be so kind as to read on a little bit so you don't leave with the conclusion that I've gone totally off the rails. But you don't have to read on if you don't want to do so.
As I've mentioned before in several posts, the human brain is set up for automatic pilot. It is a protection mechanism, so we don't have to take the time to process everything in order to figure out whether or not it's a threat to our survival. It's a good thing; however, it causes us to sometimes accept things without examination or create associations that aren't true. If I tell you that I was born on Friday the 13th, which I was, your first thought that comes up might very well be, "Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?", seeing as Friday the 13th is associated with bad luck. However, we know that, in reality, being born on Friday the 13th has had little, if any, influence in the path I've taken. So, in order to use our brain to our best advantage, it is a good idea to become conscious and ask ourselves once or twice in a while, "Is what I just thought really correct?"
In the crosswalk example, my teacher's advice was actually very sound. It is helpful to practice safety habits, like using crosswalks, even if it's not necessary. I did not interpret what she said in that way. My interpretation was, "You're trying to take my freedom from me," and this caused me some anguish.
I don't have to do anything. I don't have to eat (but if I want to survive, it's probably a good idea to eat); I really do not have to pay taxes (but if I want less trouble from the government, perhaps it would be good for me to pay them). I don't have to get out of bed in the morning (but if I'd like to enjoy life and maybe earn a little money in order to eat the food I don't have to eat, getting out of bed is a good idea).
There are a lot of things that we've learned that we 'have to' do, depending upon how we grew up. We have to go to school. We have to stand for the national anthem (please note that 'national anthem' is not capitalized, so I'm not necessarily talking about the National Anthem of the United States. These are concepts). We have to attend church on Sunday, we have to avoid meat on Fridays, we have to get married before we experience sexual intercourse (again, this all depends upon in which religion one was raised, if any). We have to wear clothes when in public. We have to marry within our ethnic heritage. If we're female, we have to become mothers.
There is nothing wrong with any of those 'have tos' that I listed above, or about the million other 'have tos' that are out there. The problem is the feeling, either conscious, or subconscious, that comes with the have to. When I was young, not doing something that I had to do (or was 'supposed to' do) had dire consequences - it could make the people who had my life in their hands very angry (please try to look at it from the eyes of a 5 year old). When we are that age, our survival depends upon keeping adults happy. Deeply ingrained in us is this idea that we have to do the things we have to do, or there will be dire consequences indeed!
So, 'have to', 'should', and now 'supposed to', are associated with not only survival, but also guilt, and shame (at least in my mind). What is the remedy?
I believe the way to relieve myself of this unnecessary cause of anxiety is to write a really long-ass essay about it. But, seriously, I can recognize that these associations exist in my brain, but not necessarily in reality, and begin to understand that I have a choice in everything I do. Here is an example of the line of thinking I can take:
I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's ok to feel that way; it's just a feeling. What will happen if I stay in bed? What will happen if I get up anyway and go about my day, honoring the commitments I made? What will I choose?
This line of thinking prevents guilt about wanting to sleep all day, and allows me to rationally make a choice. Additionally, it prevents me from creating resentments about whatever I might be doing today. I'm choosing to go to work, or I'm choosing to go to church, or I'm choosing to visit relatives. This is empowering, and it allows me to express who I am. I've heard some people say, "I 'get to' go to work today," which is a very positive way of putting it. And it's not just words, it changes the way we feel.
And what about that rebel? The rebel in me is happy today, because I go out on a limb a whole lot. I might dress and look like everyone else (I actually don't - that's another cognitive distortion), but a lot of my choices about the way I live and think are very much my own, and come from my own heart, not someone else's directive (that they probably got from someone else).
So many people I know feel like they have no control over their lives to the extent that they have no control over their actions, either. "I had to run that red light, or I'd be late to work!" Not healthy. Not empowering.
I'm beginning to see how this human experience is really about learning how to be free in the confined space of these Earthbound bodies. That makes life, for me, a pretty cool journey. Thank you for traveling this part with me.
Namaste,
Ken
I'm going to go back now about 50 years. I went to public school kindergarten. The school district had rented out some classrooms in a church for kindergarten. The church and school was situated on one side of the street, and there was a parking lot across the street which was used as a playground during recess. While school was in session, the street was blocked off so there was no traffic between the school and the playground.
Kindergarten is where I received some very formative lessons. The first day of kindergarten, when we went to recess, the teacher led the class of 5- and 6-year olds across the street to the playground. Of course, being the good leader she was, she had us use the crosswalk. Being still young and not informed in the ways of the world, or maybe because I just didn't see the point, I did not walk within the crosswalk. Our teacher noticed this and yelled at me to get back within the lines. I could say in retrospect that if she had explained to me that we are walking within the crosswalk because it's a good idea to practice safety rules even when it doesn't seem necessary, I might have gotten it and wouldn't have felt hurt and angry. There are two things wrong with that idea - 50 years ago we did not explain shit to children - you either did what you were told and everybody was happy, or you didn't and suffered the consequences. 'Why?' wasn't usually discussed. The 2nd thing is that I don't think I would have understood what the hell she was talking about. All I knew was that I got yelled at for no good reason, just for doing what I wanted to.
I'm going to preface just a little more here - I am a rebel. I have a rebellious nature inside of me. Tell me to do something, and I'll want to do the opposite. Couple the rebellious nature with a personality that has an unhealthy need for the approval of others, and you get a boy who learns to rebel in very sneaky ways. I had some friends growing up who were very outwardly rebellious. It seems like their middle finger was in an upright and locked position all of the time. This is one of my small regrets - that I hadn't been outwardly rebellious. I think it caused me a lot of pain later on in life. Depression has been said to be the opposite of expression, and perhaps if I had been more outwardly expressive with the way I really felt inside, I would have been emotionally healthier. But this is the way things worked out, so here we are. Today I am still rebellious, which I think is just fantastic - I no longer shame myself for thinking outside of the box. I do try to stay constructive with my rebellion, because rebellion, in and of itself, is a good thing. Rebellion is what causes change, and change is good (or at least inevitable).
So how does any of this relate to my thesis statement, that 'have to' causes anxiety? Because we don't have to do anything. Nor 'should' we do anything. Both 'have to' and 'should' can occupy the same spot in the trash can.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As spiritual beings, we are free. There are no 'shoulds' or
'have tos'. 'Have to' is a purely human, social construct, and, when I'm told I 'have to' do something, it causes cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, I've been trained that there are certain things that I 'have to' do. That's a neural pathway in my brain. However, my soul knows that there is nothing that I have to do - my soul can express as much or as little as it does, but it doesn't have to do a damn thing. So when someone tells me, or my brain tells me, that I have to do something, that is in disagreement with what I know to be the Truth, and it causes anxiety.
Please be so kind as to read on a little bit so you don't leave with the conclusion that I've gone totally off the rails. But you don't have to read on if you don't want to do so.
As I've mentioned before in several posts, the human brain is set up for automatic pilot. It is a protection mechanism, so we don't have to take the time to process everything in order to figure out whether or not it's a threat to our survival. It's a good thing; however, it causes us to sometimes accept things without examination or create associations that aren't true. If I tell you that I was born on Friday the 13th, which I was, your first thought that comes up might very well be, "Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?", seeing as Friday the 13th is associated with bad luck. However, we know that, in reality, being born on Friday the 13th has had little, if any, influence in the path I've taken. So, in order to use our brain to our best advantage, it is a good idea to become conscious and ask ourselves once or twice in a while, "Is what I just thought really correct?"
In the crosswalk example, my teacher's advice was actually very sound. It is helpful to practice safety habits, like using crosswalks, even if it's not necessary. I did not interpret what she said in that way. My interpretation was, "You're trying to take my freedom from me," and this caused me some anguish.
I don't have to do anything. I don't have to eat (but if I want to survive, it's probably a good idea to eat); I really do not have to pay taxes (but if I want less trouble from the government, perhaps it would be good for me to pay them). I don't have to get out of bed in the morning (but if I'd like to enjoy life and maybe earn a little money in order to eat the food I don't have to eat, getting out of bed is a good idea).
There are a lot of things that we've learned that we 'have to' do, depending upon how we grew up. We have to go to school. We have to stand for the national anthem (please note that 'national anthem' is not capitalized, so I'm not necessarily talking about the National Anthem of the United States. These are concepts). We have to attend church on Sunday, we have to avoid meat on Fridays, we have to get married before we experience sexual intercourse (again, this all depends upon in which religion one was raised, if any). We have to wear clothes when in public. We have to marry within our ethnic heritage. If we're female, we have to become mothers.
There is nothing wrong with any of those 'have tos' that I listed above, or about the million other 'have tos' that are out there. The problem is the feeling, either conscious, or subconscious, that comes with the have to. When I was young, not doing something that I had to do (or was 'supposed to' do) had dire consequences - it could make the people who had my life in their hands very angry (please try to look at it from the eyes of a 5 year old). When we are that age, our survival depends upon keeping adults happy. Deeply ingrained in us is this idea that we have to do the things we have to do, or there will be dire consequences indeed!
So, 'have to', 'should', and now 'supposed to', are associated with not only survival, but also guilt, and shame (at least in my mind). What is the remedy?
I believe the way to relieve myself of this unnecessary cause of anxiety is to write a really long-ass essay about it. But, seriously, I can recognize that these associations exist in my brain, but not necessarily in reality, and begin to understand that I have a choice in everything I do. Here is an example of the line of thinking I can take:
I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's ok to feel that way; it's just a feeling. What will happen if I stay in bed? What will happen if I get up anyway and go about my day, honoring the commitments I made? What will I choose?
This line of thinking prevents guilt about wanting to sleep all day, and allows me to rationally make a choice. Additionally, it prevents me from creating resentments about whatever I might be doing today. I'm choosing to go to work, or I'm choosing to go to church, or I'm choosing to visit relatives. This is empowering, and it allows me to express who I am. I've heard some people say, "I 'get to' go to work today," which is a very positive way of putting it. And it's not just words, it changes the way we feel.
And what about that rebel? The rebel in me is happy today, because I go out on a limb a whole lot. I might dress and look like everyone else (I actually don't - that's another cognitive distortion), but a lot of my choices about the way I live and think are very much my own, and come from my own heart, not someone else's directive (that they probably got from someone else).
So many people I know feel like they have no control over their lives to the extent that they have no control over their actions, either. "I had to run that red light, or I'd be late to work!" Not healthy. Not empowering.
I'm beginning to see how this human experience is really about learning how to be free in the confined space of these Earthbound bodies. That makes life, for me, a pretty cool journey. Thank you for traveling this part with me.
Namaste,
Ken
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