Assumptions!

I used to be a big assumer and jumper to conclusions. There is no complex mystery behind why I liked to assume - I found making assumptions about things going on around me a lot easier than actually investigating the facts, wherein I'd have to actually talk with someone and ask what's going on.

I still assume and jump to conclusions; the difference today is that I'm aware I could be wrong, so I don't immediately act upon my assumptions. I can sometimes consider alternative possibilities, and sometimes I even talk with people about what I'm thinking.

The problem with this person in recovery is that my thinking still leans toward the negative, and I am still prone to depression - so when I assume, it's usually negative and I often use the assumption against myself, demeaning my character and calling myself all sorts of nasty names. Yes, that's insane. The worst case scenario is that I assume something that isn't true, and use that assumption to begin really self-destructive behavior, like drinking. As of this writing, that doesn't make much logical sense - but I've used facts around me to make assumptions about my worthiness that have led me down the path of self destruction. 

I've been looking for jobs in Waukesha so that I can move back there. I'm currently employed at the plastics factory near where I'm living through a temporary service. They have a branch in Waukesha, and I discovered a job I'd like to have in their listings. So, I called the Waukesha office to let them know I am interested and to inquire on what steps I need to take to apply for that job. I explained that I am already working for the temporary service, and told them my assignment. I got the impression that the person on the other end of the line didn't think a person working in a factory would be qualified for the job in which I'm interested, which left me a little irritated. That impression I got was an assumption. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but, more importantly, it doesn't matter.

So I went thinking nasty things about that office in Waukesha and the people who worked there, as well as getting down on myself a little for not having a straight career path. (Thinking nasty things isn't good for me, whether they're true or not, and neither is getting down on myself). I took the time to re-write my resume, listing my relevant experience first rather than doing a chronological resume. I emailed my resume to the Waukesha office with the job rep's name in the subject line. I didn't hear anything for a few days, so I called the office and left a message for the job rep. The rep's voicemail message states, "I'll call you back within two hours" (this is important in a little bit). I didn't get a call-back, so I assumed the rep wasn't interested, and I started focusing on other job resources (which is a good idea).

Today I received a text from the job rep asking me to call them, which renewed my hope. I talked to the job rep after work today, and he let me know he had been out of the country until Monday. People often fail to update their voicemail messages - I know this, but I had forgotten it in my efforts to assume the worst. So I talked to the rep, and they are going to contact the company at which I'd like to work and set up an interview for me.  Hmph - stymied again!

I'm not good yet at taking an objective view of myself and my world. My perceptions are still on the negative, low self-esteem side. Interestingly enough, in talking with others, I can help them see more alternatives than they can see themselves, but it's still a challenge to help myself. I didn't do anything rash in this instance, but I did poison my own thinking (I was going to say unnecessarily, but anytime I poison my thinking it's unnecessary).

I'm not powerless to change my thinking for the better, but it takes practice and consistency, and for situations like this to pop up. I'm writing about this because writing and talking about it helps me make the commitment to change.

I've come to a better understanding that the 'stuff' that happens in life are really lessons, and I don't have to beat myself up, in fact, it's counter-productive to beat myself up, for receiving a lesson. Today I can be grateful for lessons like this, for they're helping me grow into the person I'd like to be.

 Namasté,

Ken