Thriving Thru the Holidays

Holidays have almost always been challenging for me. The only times when they weren't were when I was in jail over the holidays, and I could ignore them. That's sad, I know, but it uncovers the mindset I have to overcome in order to not only survive the holidays, but to enjoy them.

So in order to both survive and thrive through the holidays, I need to consider a couple aspects - what do I need to do to protect my sobriety and my mental health, and then what I can do to add to the holidays - in other words, what can I give into the holidays to make them more enjoyable, as opposed to what can I get from the holidays.

In order to protect my sobriety and mental health (they go hand in hand) over the holidays, I can fully utilize all of the tools I have been given. In other words, I maximize my use of the tools I have, which are:

• My support system - go to more recovery meetings than I usually go to, and talk to/be with the people in my support system. It's very important that as I do this, I recognize that others are often stressed out during this time of year, and in seeking support, I can also be of support. Again, it's about what I have to offer to others as much as, if not more, what I can get from others.
• Giving myself permission - I can give myself permission to duck out of an event temporarily to call someone in my support system. I can give myself permission to leave an event early if I feel triggered. I can give myself permission to say 'no thank you' to an event if I don't feel in the right place to attend. I definitely give myself permission to abstain from all mood altering drugs.
• Breathe - I think this is one of the most underrated forms of stress relief, but it can help me outlast a stressful situation. When I am feeling stressed, I can begin my breathing exercises. One of the best on-the-go breathing exercises is to fully breathe in to a count of 4, and exhale to a count of 8, and repeat as much as needed. This kind of breathing sends a signal to our vagus nerve and helps us relax and feel good. Concentrated breathing is also grounding, and helps me feel more whole in situations where I feel scattered.
• Rest - I know to not over-tax myself during the holidays. Parties and gatherings are fun, but I still need my rest! I think this is especially true for those living with bipolar disorder, as the go-go-go of the season can sometimes trigger hypo-manic or even manic episodes. I must consider that I don't feel the right time to get some rest, so I must rest even if it feels like I don't need any.
• Prayer, meditation, and alone time - these set my attitude, and I can increase the amount of time I engage in these. Prayer and meditation are therapeutic and set my attitude. Alone time - solitude, not isolation - allow me time to breathe and to relax. Alone time is mindful, so it can be taken in small chunks just about anywhere. For instance, when I go to the bathroom, I can either do my business and leave, or, I can take a breath (if it's safe) and revel internally that I have a few moments of peace. These little nuggets of alone time are incredibly refreshing.
• Nutrition - it's important to me, and also very challenging, to avoid over-indulging in all the tasty things I can eat over the holidays. Often I use food for comfort, and I can stay mindful that my body probably has all that it needs in the moment, and I can probably abstain from that next tasty treat. Like alcohol and drugs, there is value here in learning to say 'no' without explanation.

Now, what can I add to the holidays? This is personal for each of us, depending upon who we'll spend time with and what our personal customs and traditions are. Adding to the holidays can seem a bit the opposite of protecting my mental health and sobriety, but it doesn't have to be. 

The first thing to understand is that it isn't all about me. Some of us who haven't emotionally matured too much past our teens still think Christmas is all about us. Well, it really isn't, and the reason is that having it be all about me sets me up for being disappointed. When I was growing up, we opened gifts on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I always woke up hoping there would be more under the tree for me, and there never was. It wasn't that I didn't get enough for Christmas; it's just that I had a mindset that nothing was ever enough. So I can lower whatever expectations I have about the holidays - about what I'll receive, about who I'll see, about how others will behave, and set my sights on what I can add into any given situation. High expectations lead to disappointment, and that's the beginning of a slippery slope for me - it leads to self-pity, which leads to depression and/or resentment, which are poison to my recovery. So there's the paradox: in keeping my recovery (not me) and others first, I have an enjoyable time.

Second, and very much related to the above, is I don't need to foist my ideas about what the holidays should be like on anybody else. I can have my own customs and still go with the flow. For instance, I'm not religious, and I personally can do without religious celebrations; however, because my loved ones enjoy going to Christmas Mass, I'll be going with them. I have to ask myself, "Will it kill me to spend an hour in church?" And I always enjoy it. Last year I met the Pope, and if I can find the picture, I'll post it. 

Third, I need to constantly keep in mind that it's not about the presents, it's about my presence. I hate buying presents, because my belief right now is that I can never get something good enough. So, I need to turn my focus away from the presents and understand that my presence with my loved ones is more important. Really, it's very obvious that they love me for me, and not for what I can give materially.

Lastly, I need to work my program of recovery. If my program falls apart, I fall apart, and if that happens I can really detract from a happy celebration of the holidays rather than add to it. My number one goal is to be of service to those around me, and my program must be well in place for me to do that effectively. I must offer myself up for help. A good example is decorating the god@$#& beautiful Christmas trees (I've got more than one to help with). It's not my favorite thing, but that doesn't matter.

The holidays can be a challenging time for someone in recovery, but they don't have to drag me down or make me miserable. I start each day knowing that the most important thing I have to do today, no matter what else is going on, is to make myself as ready as I can to spend the day sober and mentally healthy. Others can scramble around thinking that the turkey is the most important today, or the tree is the most important today, but I know that today, like any other day, if I don't have my recovery, the tree and the turkey aren't going to make a difference.

My wish for you is to have a happy holiday season!

 Namasté,

Ken