I've been trying to compose a post about reducing perfectionism, but I haven't yet got it quite right. So here's this post instead:
I've had several jobs that, besides what I was employed to do, have taught me a great deal about how to get along better in life, and how to practice spiritual principles. My current job is no exception. I am employed as a courtesy clerk at a chain grocery in Prescott. I have varied responsibilities, from cleaning, to customer service, to gophering, to reducing our liability by making sure the parking lot doesn't have a lot of stray carts. I like this job, both because I know how to do it, and because I get to be of service to others. I never want to diminish how important it is for me to have a chunk of time (up to 8 hours) during the day when I am 90-100% certain of what my next step is to be.
I've been at my job almost 2 months, I think, and I have evidence that I am exceeding expectations. Part of that evidence is that I am being trained as a checker, and have actually been scheduled one day (so far) in that role. A couple of days ago, one of the managers mentioned that on Friday and Saturday I'll be training a new courtesy clerk for 4 hours each day on how to open for. Ok - I'm not a big fan of training, but this is fairly simple work for most folks, and one can tell fairly quickly whether or not the trainee is going to succeed in the position. Earlier, a colleague and I had been talking about when we do a good job, we don't get a raise, we get more to do. That's actually fairly accurate for the grocery industry, as well as others, I'm sure.
Anyway, I asked the manager if I'd get training pay, and he said, "No, but if you do a good job training, you'll be able to get scheduled more often as a checker." He did not realize how profound that statement is.
As I mentioned above, almost every job has lessons for me to learn, because my Higher Power does not take a break while I'm working. And the lesson, or message, that I received today is so simple, I think it is often overlooked: In order to me to move forward or evolve in this lifetime, I must be willing to let go of my current position. And at work, if I want to move forward and upward in the company, I need to be willing to let go of the role in which I started.
Now let's take a look at (my) life and see how that can be applied. Certainly, if I want to progress in my education, I need to leave behind my last grade completed. That's usually how things work in our temporal world - we complete one level and then move on to the next. When applied spiritual evolution, the picture gets a bit murkier, but it isn't indiscernible. Say, for instance, that all my life I've been seeking something more than my current experience. I might find that 'something more' in alcohol or drugs. I might even find it in the addiction experience, where, if I survive, I will find that the alcohol and drugs no longer work for me, but I can't quit. At first, when I found alcohol and drugs, they were THE experience. I had arrived. But, bit by bit, I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't really what I was seeking; it was something more, but in a way that made me and others suffer.
Now here is where today's lesson becomes important: In order to get to the next level, I need to let go of the current experience. I must put down my drinking and drugging, and begin to seek a new path. Scary stuff, because the new path is unknown to me. There are times when the fear of what's next overpowers the misery in which I'm living. Now, hopefully, in the temporal world, I don't have to be miserable in my current situation before I move on to my next; however, in the addiction world, which I think is both temporal and spiritual, that's often the way it works out.
Today, specifically, I can apply this lesson to my practices of ending and beginning my day. Mostly what I've been doing before going to bed is surfing the web on my phone and then going to sleep when I got tired enough. This isn't really good sleep hygiene, and good sleep hygiene is important to my recovery - both my sobriety and my mental health - and it is especially important now that I have a job that starts at 6am, because getting up early to get to work at 6 is not normally in my nature. Therefore, if I want to consistently get up on time and in a good frame of mind, I need to make sure I go to bed in the best frame of mind - with a clear conscience and looking forward to the next day (God willing). What I just started a few nights ago is letting go of surfing before bed, and instead ending my day with thoughtful examination, prayer, and meditation. I might have written about this before.
The principle here is that whatever I'm focusing my energy on today is going to stay in my experience until I begin focusing my energy on what I would like to experience next. People living with addiction who successfully abstain from alcohol and drugs don't focus on not drinking and using; we focus on practicing the tools of recovery. Similarly, I don't move away from mental illness by focusing on its symptoms; I get better, again, by practicing skillful coping mechanisms, and finding out what works for me.
Speaking of which, I have been nearly symptom-free from depression for about 10 weeks now. That is a really long time for me, and I do not recall being as hopeful, motivated, and willing as I am now for a very long time. If I knew exactly how that came about, I would certainly share it. I believe that a lot of factors, physically, mentally, and spiritually have come together over the past two months. But I had to let go of the need to feel shitty about myself and my life in order to get better. I have to be willing to walk into my future without knowing exactly for sure what it's going to be like. This is a point at which many alcoholics begin recovery - "I don't know what not drinking is going to be like, but it's gotta be better than this!"
Another area of my life to which this applies is my living situation. I'm currently in sober living, and I don't like it too much for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of things that I live with that I wouldn't have to live with if I lived alone or with one other person. I desire moving on from where I'm at, so I've laid the groundwork: I've begun looking for rooms, roommates, and apartments; I've been letting others in recovery know that I'm looking; and I've sent in a prayer request to my church, as well as prayed myself. Now, the next thing is to focus not on what I don't like about where I'm living, but about what is good about where I'm living - in other words, to be grateful for the things that I like about where I'm at. These include, but aren't limited to: I'm grateful for hot water; I'm grateful for the really nice view; I'm grateful just to have a roof over my head; I'm grateful that I live a half-mile from work; I'm grateful the rent is affordable; I'm grateful for wi-fi; I'm grateful that I currently have a room to myself, etc.
The challenge is that I cannot see into the future. I can say that I believe it will be good, but I have no idea where or with whom I'll be living in, say, a month or two from now. In the meantime, I'm doing my best at making the best of my current situation, and coming to believe that no matter what, I am supported by my Higher Power. It's a practice.
I want to use this last paragraph to first of all thank you for reading this far! Thank you! Also, something I was thinking about recently - part of me wants me to be able to write the absolute Truth, the absolute Answer for everything. That's where I get hung up sometimes, because it can't be done (not today, anyway) - I haven't uncovered the Complete Truth yet, and probably won't in this life time. But it's not about that; it's about the journey. It's also about giving readers an opportunity to ponder some of my experiences and thoughts and to see what insights you might experience about your own life. Sharing and connection help me to have the kind of life experience I think a Loving God wants me to have. Nobody's in this thing alone.
Namasté,
Ken
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