Last week at work, I had a nice schedule - 2 days of being a courtesy clerk, and 3 days of checking, and I had Monday and Friday off. I mentioned to the store director how I liked that schedule, and he thought it fit the store's needs nicely. Almost every employee at the store gets a different schedule each week. It's not always radically different, but it probably won't be the same as last week. If you've read previous posts, or know anything about retail and especially retail grocery, you know this is par for the course.
So for next week's schedule (which is posted on Fridays), I was expecting something similar to the previous week. Last week I had 2 days starting at 6am, and 3 days starting between 9-9:30am. Imagine my surprise when I saw that next week's schedule has me checking only one day, and the other 4 days my start times are all over the place! Additionally, I didn't have as many hours scheduled as I did the previous week.
[I italicized expecting in the paragraph above to note here that, for people in recovery from addiction, expectations can be dangerous. Expectations are precursors to resentments for recovering people, and resentments can be deadly. Having an expectation often means I feel entitled to a certain outcome, and when the outcome is different than what I'm expecting, I feel disappointed, and my inner little-me screams, "Unfair!"]
The first thought that came from seeing next week's schedule was "I must be doing something wrong." Why? Because my first thought, good or bad, almost always revolves around me (little-me) and what little-me wants and thinks he needs in order to feel secure.
My first priority, or job one, is staying sober and in remission from depression, so I had some work to do to turn my thinking around and find a way of looking at the schedule that works for me in a positive way. First, I looked at the cognitive distortion of "my schedule's different, I must be doing something wrong." This comes from a core belief, which I'm working on changing, that I'm almost always wrong. There was no evidence that I was doing anything wrong this past week (other than the few errors I made which were immediately pointed out to me). So toss that idea out.
Second, because I'm just not the type to blindly accept things, I looked for another reason why my schedule might be so drastically different. I'm going to note here that nothing in the schedule was out of bounds for what I've given the store as my available times to work. There are over 100 employees at my store, meaning that scheduling has to be difficult to accommodate every employee's needs as well as accommodating what the store needs. I've taken ownership of my job, but that doesn't mean I don't work for somebody else - I do. That means that I've agreed to make myself available whenever and for whatever the store needs (again, it's not about me). So my conclusion is that because I'm a flexible employee, the store director scheduled me where he needed me. Ok, I can live with that.
But wait, there's more! Upon further review of the upcoming schedule, I noted that I'd be able to go to more recovery meetings this week and that there was more time to schedule a 1:1 with my counselor. This realization opened my mind to what might be going on here - I began to see that this week's schedule might make room for some possibilities and opportunities for me (see how it comes back around to me?). So I begin to look for the unexpected, because my schedule was unexpected.
As an alcoholic and a person living with depression, I'm very used to seeing the negative possibilities in life. As a person in recovery, a huge part of my recovery is reframing the way I see myself, others, life, and God, because focusing on the same old shit will get me the same old results.
That, for me, is trusting in the process. If one follows the teachings in the Bible, both the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament, there is a lot of evidence that God is continually supporting us and giving us opportunities to flourish. Aside from the Bible, there is a lot of evidence in my own history that a Power greater than myself supports me - I've given up multiple times throughout my life, and I'm still here and good stuff still happens to me, in me, and through me when I let it.
Another example is this treatment program in which I'm involved - it is not run very much at all in the manner I think it should be run. (It's good to note here that nobody has asked me how I think it should be run). However, I've been sober since I've been here, and since I've been here, my depression seems to have gone into remission - not just gotten better, but got up and left! (I still have to live in a way that doesn't lead back to depression and/or drinking). So something is going right with where I've been and what I've been doing for the past almost 4 months.
So trusting in the process means not relying upon my first impression (my own understanding) of anything to make a judgment about whether something is good or bad for me, and not resisting what comes my way. When I practice non-resistance and acceptance (when I stop fighting life), I am able to see possibilities and opportunities and grace that I was unable to see before.
I need to mention before closing that I have not had my rights trampled on at work or in treatment, and I have not experienced any abuse. Trusting in the process does not mean accepting abuse; I do not need to be beaten down physically or emotionally in order to get better - the only thing that needs to take a beating is my insistence that in order for life to be good, everything must go my way.
Namasté,
Ken
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