I'll start by making a couple of points - first, "program" in "Dismantling the Program" is using computer jargon to describe what I'm doing. My "operating system" is outdated and no longer serves me - it's like Windows 3.1, which, at one time was useful and was a necessary step in the evolution of computer operating systems, but is now obsolete. Second, "Dismantling the Program - Part I" was actually written a couple of months ago. It was at that time that I realized something very monumental began occurring in my life - I was beginning to see not only surface results of my efforts in recovery, but actual deep down change within, which is necessary for sustained recovery. Today I am 6 months into recovery, which includes the absence of any symptoms of major depressive disorder (a miracle right there!). Which brings us to the events of today:
On November 17th, 2020, I graduated from Phase III (sober living) of the treatment program in which I was enrolled and moved into a room in the house of one of my managers from work, who rents out rooms. The arrangement was supposed to last about 2 months, as I had an arrangement with the treatment program whereby I I would move back into sober living as an employee - a house manager - and live there helping to maintain the structure of sober living. In early January, 2021, I interviewed with the person who would be my direct superior, and found out they were wanting more than I was willing to provide. After a day of consideration, I let them know that I was no longer interested in employment there for the time being.
So, I found that I have to look for other living arrangements. Additionally, the homeowners (my manager and her husband) are selling their home. While I don't have to be out immediately, this is still a temporary place to live. My manager is a very helpful, supportive, and giving person, so she referred me and another of her tenants to a friend of hers at a property management company here in Prescott. This other boarder (who is also co-worker) and I put in applications for an apartment that will be available in February.
Now here is where things get interesting - because of my checkered and often colorful past, putting out an application for anything risks opening Pandora's Box. And it this case, it certainly did. I got a call from the rental person today, and she mentioned that my background check came back with an open misdemeanor warrant from 2009 in Clark County, Nevada, which is better known as Las Vegas. Oops! She wanted to know more about it, and isn't sure if it will affect my application or not.
Here's the story. In 2009, my then wife (we were living in Wisconsin) asked me to leave due to my drinking. I packed up and went to Las Vegas with the intention of drinking myself to death, because that used to be my MO - when anything bad happened that I felt was overwhelming or impossible, I sought escape, because I knew there was no way I could overcome it.
So, I didn't die, but I did drink. A lot. Eventually I found myself homeless in Vegas. I was wandering around one evening (or maybe early morning) in an intoxicated state. I wanted to smoke - I had a cigarette, but no lighter. I found a person and their friend sitting outside the Belaggio, and I began to approach them to request a light. As I approached, this person began cursing me and requested I leave. I did, but before I did, I kicked this person in the head. I am very grateful that I am not trained in the martial arts and I was wearing soft shoes, because I did not kill or injure them. The person punched me, and I ran. Somewhere along the line, security saw what was going on and caught up with me, where I was given a ticket to appear for misdemeanor battery. I was not taken into custody. It is one of the more shameful moments in my history, because I've seldom been given to violence, and have never been formally charged with anything violent. Anyway, I did not appear, and shortly after, I left Las Vegas to return to Wisconsin, where I made another attempt at recovery. Over the years, I never did anything about the warrant because I didn't have to. I've had numerous police contacts since that time, and nobody has mentioned the open warrant in Clark County. I've had numerous jobs since that time, and lived in numerous places, and it never came up. Until now.
When I moved to Arizona a little over a year ago, I started looking into my record in Nevada, as Arizona borders Nevada, and I thought the warrant might need to be resolved. My investigations earlier this year told me I had nothing open. When I investigated again today, I found the warrant, and found that in order to resolve it, I or my legal representative must appear in person. Well, shit.
Ok, so here's the important stuff. The previous paragraphs described what we call in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy the activating event. After the event happens, it's no longer important; what is important is what I do with it. There are my feelings about the event, my thoughts, and then my actions. My feelings were fear, guilt, and shame, the usual feelings one feels after being caught.
The interesting thing is my thoughts were different than they would have been even 6 months ago. They were: What will I do now? What will my landlady think? What will happen with my co-worker and his housing situation? Will I have to go to Las Vegas to serve my time? I can't afford a lawyer. Wait, wrong, I don't want to pay a lawyer.
To be honest, drinking and running briefly crossed my mind, simply because those have always been options. I ruled them out quickly, as I really don't want to ever live like that again. I would rather spend time in jail than live in the sickness of alcoholism and depression again, and, if that's what I gotta do, that's what I'll do. Over the past few months, I've maintained more money in my reserve for a longer period of time than I ever have previously, meaning that I've got enough to put on one hell of a party if I so desired. And I don't desire. That is a miracle. And while I'm not gung ho on running around clearing up my past, I am willing to do what I need to do.
So that's my miracle. I have a faith and courage in my heart and enough self-love to do something I never could have done before. The knowledge that I am loved and supported and nothing is impossible with God have been in my head a long time, but have never crossed the fear and self-reproach barrier to my heart until now. I am most grateful!
I will keep my readers apprised of what happens with this whole deal, but it really is irrelevant so long as I keep moving forward in faith.
Namasté,
Ken
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