Anatomy of a Relapse

Trigger warning - suicide and death

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers during this time - I appreciate it, and it really does help. As far as this relapse goes, it wasn't nearly as major as some I've experienced, and I'm very grateful. I did, of course, create a big mess, but I'm not homeless (yet) and I'm still alive. I was suicidal (that's what starts every one) and began drinking. I was in the ICU twice - the second time for an overdose of my anti-depressant medication. Our local hospital doesn't like me much, I think - after the 2nd ICU, they sent me via ambulance to Oro Valley Hospital Behavioral Health Unit, which is near Tuscon. It's a 5 hour ride in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher, no stops. It's a very undignified way to travel, but, believe it or not, it's not the worst ride I ever had! I think my local hospital was hoping I'd stay down there. Nope! I'm back home, ready to continue recovery and do what I can to make amends and continue serving others.

I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to stay in recovery despite them. 

This relapse began right around the time I started my job as a peer support specialist in mid-July. What really happened was this - I began to focus most of my attention on my new job rather than my Higher Power and my practice. My mindfulness practice, which I had been doing consistently for several months, went to hell. I felt like I couldn't practice. I stopped focusing on recovery, and focused on trying to make things right (whatever right is) with my job.

So if you've been following my posts, you are aware of the troubles I've had with the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety and obtaining my 'fingerprint card' approval, which was necessary for me to keep my job. I couldn't do it. I gave up. I up and left my job. Abandoned it (and my clients). (I can still attempt to appeal my rejection, but right now I'm not up to it. Perhaps another time.)

But that's not all! In a misguided attempt to look good, I was falsifying my timecard. At work, we're supposed to spend 60% of our time (24 of 40 hours) in direct support of clients. I wasn't doing that - I always had overtime, used for entering progress notes. So what I was doing was adjusting my timecard to get the 'production' up to 60% while shaving the hours I worked each day. In other words, I was giving up pay to make it appear that I was doing 60% production in 40 hours a week. This behavior is a throwback - I've done it before in other situations in order to make it look like I was doing better than I really was. I would like to note here that I did not commit medicaid fraud - all my clients were billed for exactly the amount of time I spent with them. I just shaved my off hours.

This might not seem like that big of a deal - it didn't seem like it at the time. But it's dishonest. Honesty is part of the foundation of recovery, and dishonesty just tears it down. Also, my behavior was unfair to my fellow employees, as it subverted the process. The process is there for a reason - follow the process so that if there are problems, we can examine it and see what needs adjusting. My behavior was very unethical, and I knew it. Falsifying records, any records, is unethical. It gives a false image of what's really going on. 

Again, if you've been reading my posts, you know that I was very pleased with how I conducted myself at work at the grocery store. I was honest and ethical. I never falsified anything, and I didn't steal, and I didn't 'adjust' hours. I worked with integrity, and I was proud of my behavior. Still am, for that instance. I did not realize that going back to old behavior was like stabbing my own self in the back. I didn't get caught by anybody - I didn't need to. I was punishing my own self. And the really insane thing is that I did not need to make myself look better - I was still in a probationary period, and not expected to hit the 60% production rate yet. 

In another situation, I was working with a client who was driving me crazy. I spent a lot of time with this client, and it was very difficult for me because I knew I was often not working in the scope of practice of a peer support specialist. I talked a bit about it with my supervisor, but I never really opened up about how my work with this client was bothering me. The problem, in my opinion, was that this client had what is called learned helplessness, and the staff who worked with this client (not just me) were enabling it. I never talked about that - I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to seem 'uppity' (I hope that's not a bad word. If it is, let me know, and I'll find another). I went along with it. Another ethical violation.

So the upshot of all of this is that I don't yet have the guts to practice my profession well. That's really sad, and I hated myself for it. I became very suicidal.

My experience at Oro Valley Behavioral Health Unit was incredibly helpful and enlightening. Besides the fact of the undignified ambulance ride and being 5 hours away from home (you have to go through Phoenix to get there and Phoenix is Arizona's Chicago. Yuck), I got hope again. After a few days of contemplating how I was going to kill myself, I decided that all the help I was getting at Oro Valley was a sign that I needed to get back into recovery. So I re-committed myself to the practice. I began pondering my relapse, and, as my sanity returned, I saw how my behavior, my reaction to the things going on, was way out of proportion to the situation. I was focusing entirely on the mess at work, and forgetting that I need to look at the big picture. And the big picture is simply this - it's not the work itself that's important - I need to discover the areas in which this job can help me become more skillful in finding ways to develop my own coping skills and good habits and ways to help others. I stopped doing that and went back to old behavior, and I stabbed my soul. The problem, if you could call it that, with spiritual development is that the karma from going back to old behavior is way worse than when I was using only maladaptive coping mechanisms to get by in life. "For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of [Source and a better way] they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them." (2 Peter 2:20, 21 NKJV) The language seems a little harsh to me, but, in my experience, it's the Truth! My challenge is that I know at least two ways of doing anything, and I'm not very skillful yet at making the best choice. So I'm still here because I still have a lot of room to grow. 

There were a lot of blessings and God moments at Oro Valley. I spoke with one of the chaplains one day, and as I listened, I realized he was from my area in Wisconsin. I asked him, and he said he grew up on the South Side of Milwaukee. Most everybody in Arizona are from somewhere else, and there are many from the north, so I often meet people from Wisconsin. Those are always God moments for me, for some reason.

I also met a couple of wonderful people who were patients too, and made some new friends. We really connected, and it's not often that I connect so well with someone and make a new friend. I am so, so grateful for this. It's like Source planted these people in my life to make me a richer person, or Source planted me in these folks' lives. I feel very blessed. 

I am going to go back to my job at the grocery store for a while. I am grateful that it is available to me. Another miracle that will enrich me if I treat the experience skillfully, and I know I can.

Out of my window at Oro Valley I was able to view the Catalina Mountains. I love mountains. They represent strength, security, and stability for me. They go through their changes (fires and such), but they're still always there. This morning I got to view the sunrise over the mountains. It was really cool. It started looking just like a flashlight or head light, and it grew to it's full size and kept moving. It's an incredible experience for me to be able to see the sun move (actually the Earth rotating). For some reason, it puts things in perspective for me.

I was also able to re-start my mindfulness practice, which is a huge part of my recovery foundation. At Oro Valley, I became open and receptive again, and I was able to shift my focus back to my purpose - to become of maximum service to my Creator and the people with whom I come in contact. 

I got home tonight and went to my recovery meeting. My Sangha welcomed me back, of course, with open arms. I have a group of people who love me and support me on my spiritual path. One beautiful person at the meeting had also relapsed - overdosed on opiates. I felt very guilty for not being available, as I was busy in my own relapse and unable to be of service to anybody. I felt like if I came back and found they had died, I would have killed myself, for not being available. I know that's not right thinking, but I also know that not being available to support others directly opposes my purpose and my practice, and can hurt me and others. I have to be there, in whatever way I can. 

So I'm back home, and I may have to find a new place to live. I'm ok with that right now. I have a lot of amends to make - mostly to my roommate and my co-workers at my peer specialist job. And myself. My psychiatrist at Oro Valley is from Sri Lanka, so we connected well, too - he knows what I'm talking about. He told me that I have to learn the practice of self-compassion, that it needs to become a part of my recovery foundation. So I am learning that. 12 step programs often use the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi in the 11th step. It's a prayer for gaining compassion for others, and I re-wrote it to make it a prayer for gaining self compassion. I may have to write a whole post on the 11th step, St Francis, and his prayer. It really is quite powerful.

Hey, did I mention that I did not commit any crimes during this relapse? That's a big thing for which to be grateful. I am concerned, though - I came close to dying during this relapse, and I really want to avoid having to come so close to death in order to learn something. There are safer paths to enlightenment. My path really boggles my mind sometimes - I run with people who could be dead tomorrow. That seems harsh, but it's the truth. Knowing that does keep me on my toes. I really, really, really, want to ease the suffering of others. Mine too. When I hurt myself, others hurt too. Seems like kind of a dangerous life to me.

So there ya have it. I don't spend a lot of time in guilt, because guilt is useless unless it prevents one from doing something hurtful. I just jump in and continue with my recovery, knowing that there's a lesson in everything, even cleaning up my messes. It all has purpose. I do really want to learn how to avoid the whole death thing - I know there must be a way to learn and grow without backsliding. I have faith that I'll be able to do that, because I have a strong desire today to stay alive. 

I love you all and wish for you the best of everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Rants and Blessings

I just finished watching Aviator directed by Martin Scorcese (my God, how many films does that guy have in him?) starring Leonardo DiCaprio about Howard Hughes. Now this is the 2nd move I've watched about Howard Hughes, who, to put it briefly, was an iconic figure in the last century - he had it all - entrepreneur, aviator, film producer, bon vivant  (a nice way of saying playboy), billionaire, and he suffered from several severe mental illnesses. But this post isn't about him. It's just an awesome movie about an awesome, but flawed man (like me!).

This post is, of course, about me! And boy, am I hacked! As very often is the case, it takes me a minute to figure out when I am upset or disturbed.

I recently went through a crisis. Without going through the whole crisis, because it really isn't important, I'm going to talk about what has really, really gotten my goat. And I will preface things by saying that I really don't get too mad too often, and, much more than the next fellow, I think, I can generally take life pretty much on life's terms. But this morning I discovered what was really grinding my gears.

I am pissed off in a most royal way that somebody, a State agency, thinks that they have the right or whatever, to try to recall stuff that I did over 30 years ago that I have worked diligently to put behind me. (By the way, unlike 2 or 3 people I know, in general, whatever the gov't (gubment, for those of you south of the M-D line) has exactly 0 to do with my breathing). So this is a little extraordinary for me. In fact, it's making me cry right now. And, more to the fact, I'm not going to buy into it. There is no way that I can do the task I am asked to do correctly - to recall 5 felonies from 1989 to 1998 (2 states), and several misdemeanors that I really can't recall right now, plus probably 3 dui's. (Which is interesting, because my 1st dui was in Lincoln Parish, LA, and when I got my last dui in Waukesha, WI, they called up Lincoln Parish, and Lincoln Parish no longer had a record of it (this was back in 1982, and I remember it vividly, but if I remember it better than than the governing body, I'd have to say WTF?) Lincoln Parish even had no recollection of my existence (I lived there two years), which causes my alcoholic mind to ponder the question, "Maybe it's time for a vacay in Lincoln Parish?" Nah

I haven't even finished the book I'm supposed to be writing - WTF, should I write a fucking narrative on shit that most people have forgotten, only to have that narrative, and it's veracity, judged by people in a state in which I have never, never, ever, committed a crime?

In 2002, I determined to live my life forward, not backward. And this doesn't mean that I don't forget what I've done, or why I did it - it simply means that I live my life today in today.

2 things that aren't my MO today - 1) to commit new offenses and 2) to do shit that doesn't make a difference in my life or anyone else's. I really, really, am too old for that kind of shit. (Actually been too old for that shit for about 30 years now).

And if you are reading this, you know by my language that I'm not a Pearly Saint, but if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I am an upstanding citizen trying to do the right thing and doing kind of ok nowadays. So fuck you Arizona Department of Public Safety, and fuck the horse you rode in on.

By the way, I love living in Arizona - it means I don't have to be a Packer fan, and I can live my life the way I darn well please. I think a person lives this way in Texas and several other states. See, my only political way of being is very old - Live Free or Die. Lot's of folks here live just that way. Even if they still follow the Green Bay Packers!

Now, I could see doing the footwork of  Appealing my Arizona Fingerprint Card - if I were applying for the Arizona State Bar (or California or Nevada, perhaps), but I'm not! I'm applying for a job that is a little more important than Burger King. The problem is, now that I've been denied my fingerprint card application, I have to put down that I've been denied in any other state in which I want to apply, including Wisconsin, in which I've already been approved (3 times. With (almost) the same fucking record for which I'm already being denied).

All for shit that I've ostensibly avoided doing for over 20 years. And, by the way, avoided doing it for the past 2 months while I have had access to every.single.fucking.vehicle that my employer owned.

By the way, I have a sibling that has had DOD clearance (probably Top Secret) since 1984. That's big shit! But he worked on Big Shit, and you can bet that it wasn't minimum wage! Whole different game, and I'm going to bet that when one starts with responsibility, they have a tendency to keep it. Like now when I feel I have a sense of responsibility, I want to keep it. For instance, I have an AZ drivers licence (not even in the same class as a DOD clearance), but today I have no desire to do anything to give it up (no matter what fuctard state agency issued it).

Ok, all done with the rant, and on with the blessings:

I can still work at Safeway, and it's not just that I can have my job back, they want me back. And my friend Joyce (who has had a lot of experience with addicts) came to my rescue when I had my crisis. And she lives in Chino Valley now, not Prescott! That she came and helped me out brings tears to my eyes right now! She is truly a Godly woman, and I am more blessed than any rant I can manufacture to have her and others in my life today! And I've done nothing to deserve it other than to show up.

My other friends in recovery continue to support me no matter what my vocation. It doesn't matter to them.

I might live through this.

I think I might have another vocation besides the one I was thinking of.

I can still sit knee-to-knee with a person who is desiring recovery from substance use disorder or mental health disorder and share my experience, strength, and hope to support them in their recovery.

When I practice it, I recognize that God's blessings always flow (not always in the direction or way I'd like),

There is always a fucking lesson to be learned.

I am a Free Spirit, and in the end, my citizenship is with Spirit (Gal 5:18).

I always have something to write about. 

So there ya have it (that's a Youper saying).

Basically, I always have blessings to share, and there's not a fuctard state agency in the world (or at least these United States) that's going to keep me from sharing what I've been given. 

Namasté

Ken

Living by Faith - Another Example

This post was begun July 13th, 2021. I will finish and publish it when the deal is done.

NB: The deal isn't done yet, but I wanted to write and publish what happened today, 8/19/21. Read on...

For my current job, I went through a background check. My job is in human services, and I work with a vulnerable population, so my employer and the Arizona Department of Public Safety want to ensure that nobody who has a history of preying on vulnerable people in their care or similar crimes and activities gets hired in positions of trust. Wisconsin has a similar background check, and I passed it - 3 times (twice for jobs and once for a volunteer position at a hospital). My HR person called me last week and said everything was fine except one item that was flagged, and that I might not pass Arizona's fingerprint check.

The Arizona Dept. of Public Safety has all people in positions like mine submit their fingerprints for a background check. This is the main reason I got that mess in Las Vegas cleaned up - so an open warrant wouldn't show up when Arizona did their fingerprint check.

My HR person told me the crime that was flagged was my very first felony from back in 1992 - a bad check charge. I had written a couple checks that I got from my credit card companies at the time to get damage to my car repaired - damage from a single car accident that happened while I was drinking (I lost control and went in a ditch on a snowy evening). The credit card companies did not honor the checks, so the business that did the repairs turned me in for writing bad checks. They totaled about $1500, if I remember correctly. If I had paid the $1500 within 90 days of  my first court appearance, it would not be a felony - it would turn into a misdemeanor. I emphasize that part because, looking back, that was a really dumb thing I did - not taking responsibility for my actions. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and I am looking at it from my perspective today - today it wouldn't be that big of a deal; however, if you've read other posts in this blog, you'll know that learning to be a responsible adult is something that I didn't take up until much later in life.

So my HR rep preemptively sent me an appeal form in case my fingerprint card was denied, and told me I'd have 60 days to appeal and get approved - if I couldn't, or didn't, then my employment would be terminated. The appeal is basically digging up everything I've ever done criminally, explaining what happened, what the punishment was, why I did it, what's different now, plus getting two letters of reference. I was going to take my HR rep's suggestion and get started on my appeal right away, and then I said (only to myself), "No. I'm going to do this a different way and wait until I need to file an appeal to do so." There is a process I can begin implementing right now that will insure a right outcome (whatever that is) while allowing me to keep my sanity, and that process is faith.

Very often, a person newly in recovery (like I am - I'm always newly in recovery!) will encounter a glitch or an obstacle, and it will throw them for a loop. It might only be a molehill, but to that person it can seem like a mountain. I've still got that person inside of me, but he's mostly dormant nowadays. It's the person that automatically says, "Screw this, I'm out!" and gives up. Usually when this unwanted person within begins to stir, I whack him over the head with the mallet of reason, and he goes back to sleep until next time.

This is going to take more than reason, but reason is where I'm starting. First off, my supervisor, who hired me, really wants me to work for my company. Second, my HR rep has given no indication that the company itself doesn't want me - they do want me, but they have to follow the rules. Third, I remind myself that having to go through the appeal process, at this point, is only a possibility (meaning it's not wise to act on something that hasn't happened yet). Those are my reasons for not blowing a gasket and giving up before the game has even begun. So the word here is wait and see.

The next part of the process involves a little reason and a little faith. It's about understanding, from years of experience, how my mind is used to working, and endeavoring to steer it in a different direction. I have the tools to do this! What it is is setting aside doubt and arguments and drama and looking at this whole thing objectively. The first question my mind came up with was, "Why did this relatively minor (to me) felony get flagged, and the other four did not?" Answer: "It doesn't matter." Knowing the answer won't change anything. "I want to see the background check that my HR rep is looking at." There's no need to do so, and, more importantly, trying to dig up all the facts surrounding this thing at this point only adds drama (fuel) to the fire. This is where I begin to use some faith. Faith says to me, "Trust in the Lord (my Creator) with all my heart; acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my path. (Prov. 3:5-6). That's what we're asked to do in any spiritual recovery program - turn it over, let it go, fuggeddabowdit. In other words, don't worry - God's got this. And this is an important part to protect my mental health and avoid relapse - to understand that my hashing it out, either in my head or with others, will not change a thing and will only damage my serenity. I have not spoken of this with anyone besides my HR rep because repeating the story and getting everyone's opinion only adds negative energy to the situation. It doesn't matter that all of my felonies occurred ages ago; it doesn't matter that another state approved me (3 times!) to work in human services; none of the "unfair!" arguments my little mind can generate have any effect on what may be, and can only serve to increase my doubt and fear, which is detrimental to forward progress in my recovery, which is the only thing that matters. Yep, that's right - it doesn't matter if I keep the job or not; it doesn't matter if Arizona kicks me out; the absolute only thing that matters today is that I take actions that will keep me in recovery.

Fortunately, I don't have to do this perfectly - I didn't do something that I could have done, which was talk to a spiritual advisor (practitioner or chaplain) at my church about it. Even though I'm a member, and even though I've been going there in person now for a month or two, I don't feel comfortable enough yet bringing it up with someone, even though they'll treat it in a way that is positive and good for my recovery. Yes, I still have trust issues, and yes, I know I'll get another opportunity to work on them. 

The method we use at our Spiritual Center is called affirmative prayer, and these are the elements: 

• Recognition (God is all there is)
• Unification (I am one with God)
• Realization (speaking my desired good)
• Thanksgiving (gratitude)
• Release (let go and let God)

So my prayer is this: I acknowledge One Presence, One Power, in my life and in the Universe, and I call that Power God, Love, Source, Life. I know in Truth that I can never be separate from this power; that I live, breathe, move, and have my being in God, and I trust in God in me. I am always loved, supported, and led to my Highest Good by the Divine within, and anything else is an illusion. I know that today, right here and right now, I am in exactly the right spot to take the next step on the path to my Highest Good. I know that I am firm in my employment as a Peer Support Specialist, and I know that the Arizona Department of Public Safety will approve the work that I am doing. I am grateful that I am employed in a way to assist others in stepping firmly on the path of recovery, and I am grateful that the State of Arizona allows me to continue practicing my profession unimpeded. I speak my word into the Universe knowing that as it is said, it is already done, and I give thanks. And so it is.

Faith is not (at least for me) a one-shot deal like a vaccine - "Here, take a shot of faith, and fear and doubt will never touch you again." This has not been my experience. But what I do know is if I come from a hopeless state of mind and body, and begin to cultivate, on a daily basis, the beliefs that my life is worth living and that the Universe loves and supports me, that my faith will grow. And it has, and it does. Doubt comes up, and I can nip it in the bud knowing that whatever I'm doubting is already taken care of. 

I think I'll leave it at that for now, and come back when the situation is resolved. The reason I don't post this now is I don't want anyone else's possible negative energy delaying my good - having a debate or creating a story around this issue is unnecessary, and I work at releasing and not accumulating unnecessary stuff in my life.

August 19th, 2021

Well, I got news today via email at the end of the day that the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety denied my fingerprint card, meaning that if I do not successfully appeal the decision within 60 days I will be terminated and will not be able to practice my profession in Arizona. I read the email and I felt deflated. I cried. I felt very, very sad. Sad that I might not be able to do something that I am exceptional at, and something that I love doing. 

I am grateful I could feel what I was feeling. I felt sad, but I was also a little afraid. But I also felt determination. Most importantly, I do not feel like giving up! I will file my appeal, and even if it is not successful, I will not give up! Giving up is throwing away every gift and miracle I've received and experienced over the past year. Giving up is stopping the wonderful process of healing that is going on right now. Giving up is going back to the misery that I used to live, breathe, and have my being in. Today, I live, breathe, and have my being in God, Source, and I will not allow that to change. I have experienced peace and joy about life and a consciousness that I previously had only hoped existed. No matter what, I will not go back!

So what about faith? Did I not receive what I prayed for? God might be a lawyer, because I re-read my prayer. I didn't specify when or how the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) would approve me to work in human services. 

But here's the thing - for the last four and-a-half hours, before I re-read that prayer, I did not lose faith. I was saddened, yes, but I went about my business. I took a client to a recovery meeting, as I had scheduled. I assisted a little in running the meeting, and when I shared, I shared today's experience. I shared my sadness, but I also shared my gratitude that I could feel what I was feeling. I shared my gratitude that I have no desire to quit, to get off my path and go back to the misery and suffering in which I used to live. I shared my gratitude that I have support and people with whom I share every bit of my recovery. There is so much to be grateful for in this situation! I am grateful for an expanding consciousness that knows there is so much more out there (or in me, too) than just what I see in front of me. I see an arduous task that I really don't want to do (writing a history, explaining myself, and explaining my rehabilitation. I think my actions today and over the past year speak for themselves, but perhaps not). 

I have not been denied by God. The Universe does not say no, it says Yes. However, being relatively new at getting in and staying in alignment with my Higher Power, there may have been some conflicting thoughts and desires within me. In fact, I know there are. Sometimes I still doubt where I am at and what I can do. Sometimes I still doubt my effectiveness. Not for long, and not much, but it's there sometimes.

But I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong. If I can't see it, the best thing to do is move forward with the knowledge and skills that I have. Today I know the difference between skillful action and unskillful action. Skillful action is simply doing the next right thing, the next indicated step, without harming myself or others. That's it. So I do my homework, file the appeal, and leave it in the hands of Source (and the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety, bless their hearts!).

I almost forgot - I mentioned above about not doing the appeal homework until I had to. This, to me, is an element of faith. I've already said my prayer, and I don't need to think about this until I need to think about it. I've thought about it very little over the past month. I did not worry! (About that, anyway). When the thought of this situation crossed my mind, I let it keep on going. And it's a good thing I did. This past month, the majority of my attention has been on learning my new job. It has been an intense experience, and I've experienced a lot of anxiety over some elements of my new job. If I had added worry about the fingerprint card approval, I might have overwhelmed myself. I got close to being overwhelmed with what I was already doing a couple of times. So my focus was on doing my job, not keeping my job. That's a lot of what faith is - leaving a situation or issue in the hands of the Universe, and doing what is immediately in front of me.

But what about the outcome? What about it? It's not over yet. And even if my appeal is denied, I will still know the Universe has my back. Source supports me and guides me. I'm going to quote Proverbs 3:5-6 again, because I used it earlier this week in a worrisome situation, and it worked: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding (because it's limited). Acknowledge Him in all your ways (God is with me now and always, loving and supporting me) and He will guide your path. 

I think it was Jack Canfield, one of the creators of Chicken Soup for the Soul, who said one can drive across the country at night and get to their destination even though they can only see 200 feet in front of them. We really only see a very small part of what's really out there. I do not currently have access to all the knowledge and wisdom of the Universe. All I really know is that if I stay on this path, it's going to be alright. No, that's wrong - it is already alright. Just as it is. 

Another thing I thought about. I mentioned above how intense this past month has been for me. If I were not to keep this job, I still have the experience of working there - of being of service to my clients. It's like going on vacation somewhere - I don't stay on vacation forever, but just because I have to leave, it doesn't mean that I can't keep the experience. I may not be where I was anymore, but I still have that experience.

The wonderful thing about meditation, which I've been practicing consistently for the past 3 months, is that it gives me a great sense of calm about what is. What is doesn't bother me any more because it simply is what is. What is is going to change. Nothing is permanent. I can experience what is without wanting to run from it or change it because I know that somewhere down the road, what is is going to be what was. This is the nature of consciousness. I don't have to worry about what is or what was, because I really don't (and can't) control it. It is just there to experience it. If I try to hang onto what is as it becomes what was, I will turn into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:26). When I deal with life exactly as it is in this moment, I experience peace, serenity, equanimity. If I try to deal with life as it 'used to be' or 'should be', I experience unrest and discontent. Suffering. If I'm so focused on how it used to be, I'm not in this very moment and not experiencing life as it truly is. 

If you do not understand the above paragraphs, if it sounds like gibberish to you, that is perfectly ok. You may yet experience what it's like to truly live in this moment. It really is heaven. And meditation allows me to experience that - each day I get little bits of it, and it strengthens my faith. No matter what life looks like now, it really is ok. This too, shall pass, and it doesn't matter what it is - it's going to pass. 

Well, I really covered a lot in this post. The point is, for me, anyway, that faith is really about getting to know that everything really is alright, no matter what. It's about knowing that on this path there probably will be uncertainty, doubt, fear, discomfort, maybe even some pain and suffering; but there is also joy and growth, healing, love, peace, serenity, and fulfillment. It seems that everything is equally available to me, and I can live in whatever state of consciousness that I choose. 

No matter where I've been or what I've done, I endeavor to show up today as a positive influence on the people with whom I come into contact. I endeavor to be of service in the best way I can, and I excel at what I do. I really think that speaks for itself. And it really doesn't matter if the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety (bless their hearts) approves or disapproves; I'll keep doing what I'm doing wherever I'm led to do it.

Never, never, never give up. ~ Winston Churchill

Namasté,

Ken

Transitions Part III - Exorcising Doubts

 Yep, the title is correct - I can either exercise or exorcise my doubts. That's pretty much the gist of the whole post, so if you're busy with something else, move on. If not, read on:

Doubt can be a useful thought and or feeling in certain situations, such as when reading that e-mail from a Nigerian prince, when purchasing a used car, or when wondering if you can actually make it thru the intersection in time. So doubt isn't always a bad thing. On the other hand, doubt can be damaging when entertained for very long when it is about the reality of good things happening in my life, or whether or not my Higher Power really does love and support me and have my best interests at heart, or when doubting my own ability to live happily and successfully. Doubt can be damaging in two ways: first, if I've set events in motion to better myself or my situation, sustained doubt about what I've done or what's going to happen really only serve to cause anxiety, which is unhealthy mentally and physically. My entertaining doubt may or may not affect the situation or its outcome, but it will still detract from my enjoyment of life, and may even cause relapse (through the desire to extinguish the anxiety and possibly depression the doubt has caused). Some of my past relapses have been caused by my doubtfulness about my own ability to work a program of recovery. Second, doubting the good that may be coming my way can actually cause me to sabotage it in some way. My doubt may cause me to incessantly check up on the progress of something I've set in motion, like getting a new job, to the point where the prospective employer says, "I'm not hiring this insecure person!" Or if I'm in a new friendship or relationship, and I allow my doubts about that friendship to cause me to, again, incessantly check to see if we're still or really friends, that person with whom I'm hoping to be friends might just say, "I've already got enough crazy in my life - I don't need this guy!" Excessive clinginess and insecurity in a person chases healthy people away. (On the other hand, if red flags turn up, like dishonesty or violence, doubts about the sustainability of a relationship a probably valid). At the very least, doubt can cause me to delay or overlook blessings in my life; at its worst, doubt is deadly. So it behooves me in recovery to learn how to effectively deal with doubtful thoughts.

The first example I'm going to give I wrote about in my recent post titled Faith - A Simple Yet Effective Example. In that post, I described putting my faith in, of all people, an attorney to take care of an old misdemeanor case from 12 years ago. The attorney had sent me our agreement or contract to read and sign, and I got the distinct impression that the bulk of the contract said that any type of interference in my case on my part might jeopardize my case and/or cause my attorney to have to charge me more. My interpretation was that my attorney was saying, "Sit down, shut up, and trust that I know what I'm doing and acting in your best interests." So, while I did have my doubts, I did just that. I allowed the attorney to do his job without my interference or even checking up on things. Things were moving along and I had a court date set for June 14th. So, after at least of month of not hearing anything, on Monday, June 7th, a week before my next court date, I threw caution to the wind and sent him an email and asked for an update. I received an immediate response - it was an automated response saying that he would be out of the office and unavailable until 8am June 14th. Well, shit! I had a lot of doubt after receiving that automated response. Fortunately, I was able to think it through pretty quickly (like maybe an hour). First, it's really pointless to worry - the outcome of this has always been out of my hands. But the idea that I went with that was salve to my addled brain was that he had already struck a deal with the DA and had simply failed to inform me. Because my attorney is part of a law firm, and not just one random attorney, I really didn't have any worries about him absconding with my fee or anything like that. So I was able to set it aside for a week. Then, I get a call Sunday night from my attorney. It went to voicemail because I was at work. I didn't keep the voicemail, but in it he said something about getting with the DA in the morning. I realized that my conclusion, which had kept me calm for a week, was, in fact, erroneous. He did not have it all wrapped up. Still, I rested easily Sunday night because the outcome was still out of my hands either way. There was nothing I could do about it Sunday night - not even calling his boss. So Monday morning rolls around, and I've got off from work because this is my court day, and I'm getting my Chromebook ready to go to trial (one of the good things to come out of the pandemic is the ability to appear for hearings without actually having to go to Las Vegas. In fact, I think that was my only expectation for this whole thing - I sorely did not want to have to go to Las Vegas). So along about 9 a.m. I received a call from my attorney - the DA had decided not to pursue the case - my case was dismissed! I thanked him and went on my merry way. My hope had been that the DA would have dropped the charge from misdemeanor battery to disorderly conduct and given me a small fine. I'm grateful I received a much better deal! So in this example, I dealt with my doubts through prayer (I had prayed and turned it over to my Higher Power, and I've been taught that if I turn something over, I don't want to continually re-pray - that's part of learning Trust), and when doubt did appear, I simply reminded myself that it's out of my hands. All I have to do is see what happens. And that's why I call this a simple example of faith, and releasing doubt, because, in this case, the consequences weren't really very high.

The second example of avoiding doubt is with my new job. Have I written about that yet? Anyway, I applied for a Peer Support Specialist position at West Yavapai Guidance Clinic, and I was offered a position . I let my store director know right away my last day would be July 10th, as I'd be starting my new position July 12th. What I can say about this experience is that there has been a whole lot less doubt than there would have been in the past. There's just something about really having faith that I'm on a good path that doesn't leave a lot of room for doubt. So my acknowledging the good things that are going on in my life and my faith practices over the past 11 months have helped build a lot of self-confidence. I certainly have no doubt that I have what it takes to do the job, and I have no doubt that I will be a good and respected employee. But thoughts of doubt still creep in - will they accept my background check? There might be different standards here than in Wisconsin, where I previously worked in peer support (though I kind of doubt that, seeing what I've seen in Arizona). One thing that I do have a concern about is physical exercise. Physical exercise is a big part of my recovery, but currently, I get a good portion of it from work, where I am very active and have to lift stuff all the time. My new job will be sedentary. I have concerns about whether or not I'll be able to get motivated enough to have my own fitness practice. As a sidenote, a concern is a little different than a doubt - a concern is a foreseeable situation that's asking for a solution. A doubt is more of a thought of, "I can't do this." I can do this, but it's a lifestyle change, and that's challenging. I've already started by including a morning walk around the block in my routine (my block is 1.25 miles (about 2km) long), so that's a good start. I don't know what my new hours will be, but I'm pretty certain my schedule will be more stable than it is in grocery. 

Part of my concern about the exercise regime is that in the past I have been unable to consistently perform good self-care habits, other than abstinence from alcohol and going to recovery meetings. However, lately, I've been able to do something for 65 days in a row that is beneficial for me - I've been able to practice mindful meditation every morning. I have an app on my phone that is called "Waking Up" by Sam Harris, and it's been helping me immensely. I had to pay for it after the initial introduction, and it has been well worth it. I'm not going to delve too deeply into it here, but one of the fundamental things I've learned has really helped in the doubt area. In mindful meditation we learn to become highly aware of our thinking. I've learned, for instance that thoughts are really just little bits of energy that have no meaning or power until I give them meaning or power. I've also learned that I, like many others, tend to grab a thought and create a story out of it. Most of the time, the story isn't that happy and includes a lot of drama. But I've learned, for the most part, to let thoughts of doubt appear and leave. And I can do this with other thoughts as well. Mindful meditation breaks thoughts down to their most basic - I'm learning that any meaning and/or judgement I put on a thought can only come when I hang onto that thought for any length of time. So if a thought of doubt comes, I can often acknowledge it and let it go right away, and turn my attention to something else - maybe the next thought. In this way I don't have to wrangle with doubt, or take it to court, or evaluate its validity. Now let me say here that I've not yet experienced such success with all thoughts. For instance, I still wrestle with thoughts of perfectionism at my current job (although that's getting better because I have an end date). But I have great hope that if I continue this practice I will gain better control not over the thoughts, but over my choice in whether or not to entertain certain thoughts that pass through. Certainly if a great idea passes through, I might want to hang onto it and ponder it. But, for the most part, the millions of thoughts coming through actually cloud my experience of the present moment, which is life and all I've really got. I don't want to waste my opportunity to experience life on fruitless thinking.

I can look at my doubts and consider them to be nothing more than objects in my experience. They have no real power nor any real validity. They are just thoughts. They're just thoughts until I hang onto them, and then they become something else. If I hang onto them, they can become prophecy - "This is a nice (relationship, job, opportunity, day - fill in the blank), I'm probably going to screw it up." Yep, good chance of that now! If I let them go, they become like dust in the wind - unrecognizable from other specks of dust in the wind. In fact, I will likely not even remember that a doubt came across my screen. So the title of this piece is really misleading - I'm not performing any religious ritual to cast out doubt; I'm simply working at becoming mindful so I can practice allowing those thoughts that I don't want to entertain to pass on by. All I know is doubt and worry over any situation will not change it for the better, or influence its outcome in any positive way; it can only harm me, and I am choosing ways today to do no harm to myself (or anyone else) while I live this life.

Namasté,

Ken

Transitions Part II - The Journey

In Transitions - Part I, I wrote about transitioning from one job to another, and the success that I've encountered at my (still current) job, and my joy at moving on to a job that more matches my strengths and abilities. I think in that post I failed to capture the real essence of the whole experience, and it perhaps might not be possible to, in a few hour's worth of writing, capture what it feels like to go 9 months (at the job), a day at a time, or a moment at a time, and to feel that overall it's been a great success.

The journey I'm speaking of is experiencing each day that life is meant to be lived, not avoiding or simply tolerating. It is taking a new attitude toward life. The Universe told me to "practice each day setting aside your fears and doubts and preconceived notions about the way things 'should' be. Accept what is in front of you and do the next indicated step, no matter how you feel. Just get yourself in the stream of life, let go, and see what happens. Trust."

When I was new at the grocery store, one of my tasks was to collect carts from the parking lot and return them to the cart corral. I also picked up litter in the parking lot. One of the worst things I picked up was somebody's used rubber gloves - they were wet with their sweat. Along the way, I had to deal with feelings of inferiority and shame. But I was being of service. "All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence." (Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.) I was doing my job to make grocery shopping as easy and pleasant an experience as possible for customers during a very challenging time for people. I was doing what nobody would notice unless the job wasn't done. In addition to finding trash along the way, I would also find pennies. I viewed the pennies as signs of encouragement from my Higher Power that I was doing the right thing (sometimes I'd find dimes or even quarters!). I developed a strong attitude of gratitude for what was happening to me and through me - no matter what! 

One day at work inside the store I heard a crash and went to investigate. The Grocery Manager (assistant director of the store) was setting up a display and some plates fell off the display and broke. I didn't say anything. I got a broom and dustpan and cardboard box and cleaned it up - because that's what you do. If I see something that needs doing, I do it, or find somebody who can. And the people in charge noticed my attitude and ethics and gave me more responsibility, and more pay. But that wasn't my goal; it's what happened as a result of me practicing doing the next right thing. One of my goals is to be of service in whatever way I can whenever it is indicated.

I haven't been broke since probably September or October of 2020 (9 or 10 months as of this writing). I don't write a budget - whenever I've written a budget in the past, it has shown that I don't have enough to live on. Source provides me with everything I need today, in abundance! I go with that attitude. I've stopped entertaining doubts about the future, and I say "Thank You God" for everything I have today. I was able to get some work done on my teeth. I was able to pay for a lawyer to take care of my legal business in Las Vegas that I had ignored for 12 years. I am able to pay what is needed to reinstate my driving privileges. My monetary priorities are rent, keeping my phone going, utilities, food, and donating money to entities that feed my spirit (recovery meetings and now, lately, church). I was able to purchase a Chromebook, which I'm using now. There's some things I don't like about it, but I love it and I'm grateful for it because it's my main window to the world. I'm able to afford internet service. I've walked around with $1000 cash in my pocket, and I wasn't tempted to use it to go on what would be and impressive but very damaging bender. I purchased a bicycle a little over a year ago, and I have a little over 1800 miles on it. It's my main form of transportation as well as aerobic exercise and pleasure riding. 1800 miles isn't my record (3000 miles in one year in Wisconsin), but it's still a lot of pedaling. I'm grateful for my bike, and I take care of my bike. When I trail ride, it gets very dusty, and I clean it up after my ride to maintain it and to show my gratitude and appreciation for it. It's a great bike!

A young friend of mine, about 21 or 22 years old, stated that they didn't know what to do with their life. I didn't say anything because my only thought I had at the time was, "I don't know what to do with my life either," meaning I don't know what life is going to look like too much past today. I didn't say that to them because I didn't think it would be comforting to them to say, "I'm almost 59 years old and I don't know what I'll be when I grow up either!" I could have said, "Do your best with today and your experiences will lead you to where you're supposed to be and doing what you're supposed to be doing." I still need a lot of practice expressing my faith and encouraging others.

I have some of the most awesome people in my life, but that's not a surprise. As I've stated in previous posts, God always has put loving and supportive people on my path, but in the past, I haven't always engaged in those relationships. The most challenging part of my life is connecting with others - cultivating a true relationship. There are a ton of fears surrounding that. I falter and fuck up and make amends and allow people to see the real me. It's tough! But connection with others is so, so very important in recovery, so I'm putting my toes and sometimes my foot in the water of friendship. Someday I'll get in all the way, deep, and know that it will be ok, no matter what. I get to facilitate recovery meetings in Recovery Dharma. I am so grateful for discovering Recovery Dharma meetings - being involved in it has been so immensely helpful to my recovery. We talk about real stuff - overcoming the trauma and fears and unskillful thinking that feed our addictions. We practice compassion and acceptance and support each other on our paths.

I avoid the desire to seek pleasure. I practice happiness and acceptance. Happiness is a choice, not a goal. In this moment, or any other moment, I can be happy. Did you know that happy people don't hurt themselves or intentionally hurt others? Some years ago a sponsor told me that my serenity is the most important thing I have, because it fuels my sobriety. I understood the concept in my head, but I couldn't yet practice it. I didn't like myself or love myself enough at the time to practice things like serenity, happiness, and peace. I felt I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I no longer identify with depression. I no longer identify with the symptoms, especially the one that says I'm a victim of myself - that I'm a bad person and I deserve punishment, and if someone else won't punish me, I'll punish myself. I began practicing liking myself, because there isn't any evidence that I'm a 'bad' person in this moment. Practicing liking myself is doing good things for myself, like eating right and sleeping right and taking care of my business, and a bunch of other stuff. I let go of perfectionism. I let go of it a lot! Perfectionism is antithetical to liking myself, because nothing is perfect. Or, if you like, in this moment, everything is perfect according to the laws of the Universe. Anyway, when I let go of perfectionism, I allow happiness and peace in. I can live with myself and be happy with what I'm doing, knowing that I'm moving forward and improving. Back to the first sentence in this paragraph - pleasure comes, unexpectedly, when I'm doing the right thing. Pleasure comes from hiking Thumb Butte or a tiny part of the Grand Canyon with friends, and taking pictures. Pleasure comes when I ride my bike 26 miles. Pleasure comes when I don't procrastinate. Pleasure comes when I help a customer find the product they are seeking. Pleasure comes when I drop my defenses and allow another employee to help me with my job. Pleasure comes when I share my experience, strength, and hope with another addict in recovery. Joy comes when I ponder where I'm at today and how I show up today compared to a year ago. 

I thought about the following 'story', I guess, earlier today and I want to share it. Growing up, and as a young man, my goal (because someone gave it to me, and I accepted it) was to finish my higher education, get a good job that would support me forever, and find a suitable mate that would stay with me forever. Then I could sit back and relax. I would have a life. I failed miserably at that goal. I took a few shots at it, and just could. not. do. it. I began to try ways of living that were acceptable to others, and I just could. not. do. it. I took the road less traveled. I've had a lot of experiences that most people have not had, and maybe can't relate to. I discovered, by looking within, that my real goal for a really long time was to escape life, avoid engaging with life, in whatever way I could while trying to make the people around me think that I was actually living a decent life. That's a really complicated goal! And I failed at that, too. So I agreed with myself to try life. I'm giving up trying to avoid it (still working on that!). And I'm finding out that life is livable! With a Higher Power, and some spiritual principles by which to live, Life actually turns out to be a pretty good experience. 

So that's the journey. I don't know that I have a destination, other than to fit myself to be of maximum service to the Universe and to others. The journey is each day practicing the mountain of spiritual principles I've learned over the years - working at connecting my head with my heart, and living a useful and purposeful life. I practice becoming whole. I practice, each day, letting go of fear and doubt, and letting life take me where it will. And, much to my surprise, the results are fantastic! So when I write about getting a new job, or making amends for my past, or always and absolutely having whatever I need, and no longer entertaining and living with the symptoms of depression and active addiction, these things are the results of living each day engaged with life to the best of my ability, and endeavoring to be of service. I don't plan the results. My only expectation for each day is that I'll be ok, and I've met or exceeded that expectation for 343 days so far. And these transitions that come about as a result of my actions - I endeavor to let them be as smooth as possible, knowing that good is here, and more good is coming. Let it flow, like water.

 Namasté,

Ken

Transitions - Part I

 I haven't posted much lately, mainly because I've had a lot of inner growth going on that I couldn't really explain. I don't think I can really explain it well now, but I do have some outer manifestations of that growth that I can talk about with reasonable clarity. I believe that one of the main causes of this growth spurt, as it were, is that 57 days ago I started practicing mindfulness meditation through an app called "Waking Up" by Sam Harris. I'll be talking a little more about this in another post; for now, it's only important to know that this practice has been really helpful for me in fulfilling my desire to learn how to live from the inside out - to live my life from that Divine space within, rather than reacting to events and people around me. Of course, I'm still very much a beginner, but I have a lot of hope because this is the first healthy practice (besides abstaining from mind-altering substances) that I've been able to commit to and practice on a daily basis. I am amazed, and I call it a miracle.

The first transition I'd like to write about is vocational, and it actually physically began happening back in May, when I enrolled in and completed a two-week course in Peer Support in order to become certified in Arizona to practice my profession as a Peer Support Specialist. I was a Certified Peer Specialist in Wisconsin for a couple of years until my relapse in 2018. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that in this moment there is nothing I desire more to do vocationally than to support others in recovery from Substance Use Disorder and other mental health disorders. Last Friday I was offered a full-time position at West Yavapai Guidance Clinic, and I will start working there July 12th (a day before my natal birthday and 5 days before my one-year sobriety anniversary).

Today I turned in my letter of resignation to my store director where I'm currently employed. I don't like the connotations that go with 'resigning' or 'quitting', so I prefer to think of it as 'moving on', which it is. In that letter, I expressed my gratitude, and let him know that the job did much to heal my past and strengthen my future. That is not an understatement by any means. In one of my previous posts, I think I mentioned that the last time I was employed at a grocery store (in the 90's), I screwed the store over royally and screwed myself over by almost dying and suffering the consequences of going to prison. That particular incident, which is too long and gory to go into in detail, happened to be the last felony for which I was ever convicted (theft of greater than $25000). When I got the job at this grocery store, I knew it was a miracle, and I knew that I was being given an opportunity to at least partially make things right. If I can make it another 3 weeks, which I probably can, I will have made it through a job start to finish where I didn't steal anything from my employer, I did not miss a day of work, I was not written up for excessive tardies, and I made it from start to finish without taking a drink. That in itself is commendable, but really not uncommon for a person in recovery - my understanding is that we usually do perform well as sort of an overcompensation to low self-worth.

By the way, my current employer knows nothing of my past grocery history - it's too far gone (time does heal some wounds, which we'll see again in next post). So the work I did on myself while I was working there was known only to me and a couple individuals who are bound by confidentiality and HIPPA and such. This means that I was able to set standards for myself and live up to those standards by my own volition every time I went to work. So in answer to a question one might encounter in a job interview about what I accomplished at my previous job, I could say, "I didn't commit any gross misconduct and I was accountable only to myself." Uhm, that's kind of what normal people do, isn't it? Yes, yes it is - but for someone like me who has taken most of the wonderful opportunities in life I've been given and flushed them right down the shitter, it's nothing short of a miracle that I could do it and do it for myself. 

When I started this job, I started at minimum wage, which was way ok with me, because I was happy just to be working and I was elated that I was working in grocery. I received a substantial raise a few months ago, and I'm grateful that management showed me they appreciate me and my efforts. However, because I was able to break the cycle of depression that has dogged my entire life, I was able to give myself raises in self-esteem every day that I showed up and applied the work ethic that I was taught a decade ago - suit up, show up, do the best I can, do more than what I'm asked, don't complain, be a team player, and make helpful suggestions if needed. That's it. I didn't try to make anybody like me. I didn't try to enhance my  paycheck by taking what wasn't mine. And the results were I developed friendships at work, I earned respect, and I received an unexpected and generous raise. And most of all, I began to like and respect the person who was showing up for work every day. It didn't matter if I was helping customers, retrieving carts, stocking shelves, cleaning toilets, or doing whatever - I was living from my inner guidance, and it worked - every single day. (There were days that were difficult for me, and these were caused by my own mind, which is still sort of set to looking at what's wrong rather than what's right. It's getting better, and I was able to keep it in my head and not allow it to affect my behavior). 

I know from my own experience and the experience of others that if I am to remain in recovery, I must consistently grow and move forward. Those of us who have become complacent for any length of time usually experience relapse - either emotional relapse or full-blown using substances relapse. So I knew this job was temporary for me. Being of service to others and other aspects of my current job are not a challenge to me. My challenge was showing up as the person I wanted to be on a consistent basis. I've done that, and now it's time to move on to something more challenging - using my experience, strength, hope, and knowledge to support others in building a recovery they can live with. It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

One final note for this post: I've been working in the dairy department at my store for the past few months. About a month ago, the dairy manager got fired for gross misconduct. I am (somewhat to my chagrin, because I don't like training people) training the new dairy manager. Why didn't I take the position? It would have given me great security until I decided to retire. Well, number one, for the reasons stated above - it's not enough of a challenge. But, as I mentioned, I'm learning to live life from the inside out - to live from that Divine spark that is within me (and you too!). In our world, security is a fleeting thing - anything can happen at anytime. I am learning to no longer look to the world and its people and things for security; I am learning that the security I seek is already within me, and I am learning each day to uncover and utilize the resources within. I hope I can empower and encourage others to do the same thing.

Namasté,

Ken

Takeaways From A Mistake

I love lessons that aren't all that painful. Today I had off from work, but I usually go in on Thursdays to cash my check and shop. Today I cashed my check, bought a money order for May rent, and shopped. I carried my backpack with me for a place to put the money order where it wouldn't get wrinkled or damaged (like it would in my pocket). So I do my shopping, pack my groceries, and head out. Shortly after arriving home and unpacking my groceries, I received a text message from one of my managers saying I had left my backpack at the store. Oh! Now, mind you, I didn't leave it in the employee area, I left it in the store. I was a customer today, not an employee (even though I faced the shelves where I took my items from). I hightailed it back to the store, retrieved my backpack, and was relieved to find its contents (a blank money order) intact. 

I immediately went to gratitude - I am grateful to God, the Universe, and to my co-workers that I didn't lose a month's worth of rent. But, more important than retrieving the money, and this is the miracle for me, is that I did not beat myself up for making this mistake - especially since earlier in the day I felt a little down because I didn't feel I was doing such a good job at 'adulting'. My pattern in the past has been to pick, pick, pick at my mistakes until I get feeling good and depressed because I'm such a schmuck. In my post Dismantling the Program - Part II, I discussed learning about Attributional Styles, and the attributional style of a person living with depression (namely me) is that anything bad happening in my life is happening because deep down, I'm a bad person. (When something good happens, it's a fluke, and the other shoe is sure to drop soon!) I've been practicing and learning over the past 9 months to separate incidents, and to avoid attributing them to my worthiness (or lack thereof) as a human being. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake - it's because I'm human. Can I learn from it? Maybe! 

I also think a lot more quickly nowadays, and as I was biking back to the store, I thought, "What will I do if the money order isn't there?" Well, because I've actually been adulting (living skillfully) a little bit better, I would still have enough for May rent. It would still be a financial hit, but I'd make it. 

And because I was so pleased with being so self-forgiving, I began to think about compassion. You see, in my head I can still be pretty unforgiving of people who make mistakes. I've been struggling with this at work for a while. It's a good thing I'm not a manager, because with my managerial style I'd have to change my name to Richard. The thought hit me pretty loud and clear today that if I am able to have compassion and forgiveness for myself, why not others? Why not let others be human and make mistakes as well? Sometimes Lots of times, I think people do stupid stuff on purpose - probably because I've done a lot of stupid things in life even though I supposedly knew better. 

9 months ago, shortly before my last relapse, I had prayed with someone at the church of which I'm a member (but have yet to attend in person) about being able to see myself as God sees me, because, up to that point, I hadn't been able to accept that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. I see today, looking over the past 9 months, that my attitude is shifting, and I am beginning to love myself, and, in doing so, beginning to express the beautiful child of God that I Am.

I was reminded tonight of a long-forgotten incident that happened at the first university I attended. I was 19 or 20 at the time, and deep into my alcoholism. A fellow student had dropped his wallet on the floor in my dorm. I happened upon it, picked it up, and opened it. I noted that there was identification within it as well as $100. I took the $100 and dropped the wallet back on the floor. 

Did I know what the proper thing was to do? Of course I did. Why didn't I do the right thing? Because nobody was looking, and because at that time in my life, I was pretty sure that if I were to receive any blessings in this lifetime, I'd have to steal them. I went on like that for a long time. 

I'm grateful to be able to truthfully say today that I know I don't have to steal anything - that the Universe is constantly supplying me with everything I need in abundance, and all I have to do is get into alignment with it:  to raise my consciousness from that of a worthless, useless, scum-lapping piece of shit that will never be able to amount to anything to a beloved Child of God. That's a big leap to make. It takes work, and the work doesn't involve becoming a better person so that God loves me more - it involves me letting go of those parts of my consciousness that aren't in agreement with Who I Really Am. I won't bullshit you - it's a lot of work. But it gets easier, because the more I let shit go, the lighter I get, and the better I feel about myself, Life, and living.

I mention this because I've told people of today's events previous to putting it down here on cyberpaper, and some folks' comments don't ring quite true to me. Now, you believe what works for you, but, in order to continue to grow more in alignment with Spirit, I have to believe that God couldn't possibly love me any more today than It did last year, or 5 years ago, or 58 years and 9 months ago - that God's love for Its Creation is infinite, and really unfathomable to the human mind. It certainly does appear that if one does good, good stuff follows. But in this world of form, that doesn't always happen, does it? Sometimes the seemingly bad guys get off, and sometimes the seemingly good guys get screwed. And my very human mind would take a fact like that and say the Universe is capricious or ambivalent, when the Truth is, it is neither. It's simply that I usually lack complete Understanding of what's really going on. 

My father once told me, "The birds just sing for some people, and they certainly sing for you." He was right. I don't deserve to be here today, much less be here living the life I'm living. I was so incredibly self-destructive. And through my time in and around recovery, which has spanned more than half my life, I have seen much better humans than me suffer immeasurably and die from the disorders from which I'm now in recovery. I've seen families lose their beloved children. I don't have answers for that. I like to think that I have answers for almost everything, but I don't really. I have a few answers that seem to be working for me today, but that's about it.

What I endeavor to do today is to be accepting and grateful - for it all. I try to remember to look for the God in everything, because it's there. I don't always succeed in seeing it right away, but I find more good to Life when I'm looking for it than when I'm focusing on the bad. And today I endeavor to live up to the person God thinks I Am.

Here are some applicable Holy Bible verses that I didn't bother to insert into the text. Look 'em up if you've a mind to:

Isaiah 55 - the whole thing

1 Corinthians 13: 9-13

Matthew 7: 7-8

Proverbs 3: 5-6

I wish for you much love, peace, and alignment.

Namasté,

Ken

Releasing the Fear of Disapproval

 Nowadays, my overall purpose is to be in alignment with the Universe. What this means is that on a daily basis I do my best to use the many tools I've acquired over a lifetime of living to go with the flow of Life today rather than against it; to be creative and constructive, rather than destructive; to think and behave as though I live in a loving, supportive Universe where I can live openly and unafraid, rather than in a hostile universe where fear informs my thinking and actions and I always have to be on guard. I'm very fortunate in that I know what living in the flow looks and feels like for me, and I know what the opposite is. So when I observe myself moving toward distrustful and fearful thinking and actions, I know I need to take action to reverse my direction and begin moving in alignment again. A very simple example is driving along the freeway - when I'm in my lane, driving the posted speed limit (of course!), life is good; if I begin to veer out of my lane, perhaps due to inattentiveness, my tires hit the rough pavement on the side of the road, and I am aware that I need to move back into my lane if I want safe, happy travels. If I ignore the warning strips and fail to take corrective action, I'm liable to end up in the ditch, and my journey stops.

For the past several weeks, I've been having difficulty at work staying in alignment. I mainly work in the dairy department, keeping the shelves and coolers stocked and making sure the product we're offering is fresh and safe. It sounds simple enough, and it is for me - I have a not-very-challenging-for-me job right now so that I can work on those things within me that tend to move me out of alignment. The difficulty that I've been having is that, no matter what my intention going into my day has been, my inner thinking shifts to irritation and blame toward my co-workers and customers who 'make my job difficult' through their actions or inaction. Sound complicated? It is - much too complicated for the job that I have. So I know something within me needs addressing.

The challenge for me is that I see the mistakes people make. I see the lack of forethought, the lack of accuracy, in some of my co-workers; I see the lack of consideration in some of my customers, who like to pick up a product to look at it and put it back in a place different whence it came. The good news is that I know the problem is me, not them. (1st cognitive rule - if I'm blaming someone else for something that upsets me, I'm not taking responsibility for my own thinking and feelings, and nothing will change). 

I've been trying to change my attitude, because I know it's not helpful - to anyone. I've noted that I've been focusing on mistakes and imperfections of others, and tried to focus on their skillful qualities. I've prayed to see the best in others rather than seeing shortcomings (which does work, but I was having to apply that all the time). I've prayed for acceptance, peace of mind, all of that. Some days have been better than others.

Finally, after some contemplation and meditation, I realized what was informing my bad attitude at work - it was the fear of disapproval.

I've mentioned before in this blog that one of my driving desires had been approval from others. This desire often overrode ethical and moral considerations and personal boundaries. When I committed several years ago to becoming my authentic self, I knew that approval-seeking would have to go. I began to get rid of it by being honest with others about me. It's an ongoing process, but I began practicing showing up as me, rather than showing up as who I thought you wanted me to be. 

So why is this fear of disapproval showing up for me at work, and how does that make sense? It doesn't show up as much in other areas of my life. 

Up until 2010, my main goal at work was to get people to like me, and I did all sorts of things that weren't in my job descriptions in order to meet that goal. In 2009, I learned workplace ethics - how I wanted to show up at work - because the rules I was playing weren't sustainable. So I learned and began practicing these things at work: Dependability (showing up), Honesty (admitting my errors), Humility (asking when I needed help or didn't know something), Doing My Best (being thorough and accurate) Doing My Job (not management's job). These are some of the basics, and these workplace ethics give me a process so that if problems develop, I can adjust accordingly. Using these workplace ethics, kissing ass isn't necessary, and neither is throwing co-workers under the bus (either in my head or in real-time). Adopting workplace ethics - principles to work by - has served me well. There have been other factors that have caused me to lose jobs, but it was no longer ill-advised approval seeking behaviors that did it.

Here is what has been happening - even though I have been satisfied with the way in which I show up at work, the results are not meeting my approval. I have been doing my best, but the department still looks messy, and we still have too much outdated stock showing up. I am dissatisfied with the results, even though I'm doing the best I can. And I realized that, even though nobody in management has told me I'm not doing well enough, that these imperfections within the department are like painting targets on my back. No matter how well I do, there is room for me to not meet someone's approval. Irrational? Yes!

This is just a grocery store, and I'm trying to lose my mind over not having things work out like I think they should. Many years ago, I desired to be an EMT. I shudder to think of what would have happened had that worked out! One can be the best EMT in the world and still have patients die. I'm grateful I can learn trusting in the process, acceptance, and humility in an environment where the stakes are fairly low. 

And it's not that I don't admit and accept when I make mistakes at work -I do, and it's ok. But I needed to be shown that if I am living my life ethically and doing the best I can, then if someone judges me on a certain outcome, that has to be their problem, not mine. And again, this hasn't happened where I'm working now, but because I am an imperfect human being and the department in which I work is imperfect, the door is unlocked for someone to come in and tell me I'm a useless piece of shit. Ok, yes, that's irrational, but I needed to see that that idea is still smoldering within me.

The solution: I do not have enough resources to make sure the department is in perfect condition by the time my shift is done. I can release my fear of disapproval because I know that I am doing my best - I show up at work wearing my best ethical suit, and I am a good employee. That's all I need to be; I don't need to be a miracle worker. I thank God for the strength, energy, and motivation to do my best, and I leave the results of my work in God's hands. I release my fellow employees and my customers from the burden of needing to make me look good, and I accept that I am the only person responsible both for what I do and how I look.

In the beginning (of this post), I expressed what my desire is - to be in alignment with the Universe and with Life. I understand, on a cognitive level anyway, that acceptance and trusting in the process help me be in alignment. One thing I've omitted in this whole post is perfectionism, but hanging onto perfectionism makes it harder to stay in alignment. Anyway, I'm concluding with I don't think this post is really complete, but I'm posting anyway because I haven't posted in nearly a month and I've got 5 other posts started, and I will feel better for posting even if it's not perfect.

Namasté,

Ken

Faith: A Simple Yet Effective Example

 Years ago, when talking and listening about "turning it over" and "letting go" in recovery meetings (lessons in faith), an image came to me that fit in my brain what that was all about. The image was of hiring a lawyer (or any professional, really) to do my bidding for me, or to do what I am unable to do on my own. I'm not very sure how effective that image was for me, and back then I was more of a spiritual theorist than an actual participant in living a spiritual life. Very fortunately, when I don't get a message or a lesson the first time (or second, third fourth...), the Universe always sees fit to provide me with yet another lesson. This past week, when I actually had occasion to hire a lawyer to take care of a mess I had created, I was reminded of the theory about faith that had come to me many years ago. This time, I'm able to add a little more flesh, and hopefully real-life experience, to the theory.

So in my last post, I wrote about a misdemeanor that I committed in Las Vegas nearly 12 years ago and skipped out on. I expressed the desire to resolve this issue so that I can move on to bigger and better things while I live in this area. One of my options, which I didn't mention in my last post, is to travel to Las Vegas and turn myself in. I know that the police department there and the judicial system would accommodate me. Then I could spend some time in jail until I had a hearing or two in front of a judge and see what we could do to resolve this. This is one way of getting it done; however, my life is really stable right now, and taking this action would destabilize it. I desire to resolve my legal issue while maintaining the stability I'm currently experiencing, and I need help doing that, so I hired a lawyer. I have confidence and faith that comes from my intuition that my legal situation will now be resolved in a way that is mutually beneficial to everybody. An ingredient to this faith is the knowing I have that my Creator wants only the best for me and is constantly giving me guidance on the path to my highest good - so my attitude isn't, "I've got to beat this case;" it's more along the lines of resolution - again, finding a solution and then moving on.

Okay. So I hired the lawyer by sending him a $xxx deposit and signing a contract with him. Here is where the issue of "turning it over" effectively is fleshed out. And the problem with me, and possibly many people, is not a lack of faith - I've got plenty of that - but in two things: how I understand faith, and how I direct it. When I spoke with him on the phone, he asked me, "So I assume you'd like to avoid jail time?" and I agreed. Avoiding incarceration has not been guaranteed, but that's the destination we're keeping in mind. As stated earlier, if I want to go to jail, I know how to do that. And an attorney who took my money and then said, "Ok, show up at the Clark County Justice Center and your warrant will be quashed and your case will be resolved," probably would not stay in business very long. So I hire the lawyer with a certain end in mind. I don't expect to get off scot-free, but I am hoping to get this thing done with as painlessly as possible.

The contract I signed with the attorney said, to me, basically two things: that the attorney would use all of his knowledge, experience, and connections to get me the best deal possible, and that he would do this all for $xxx if possible. Here are the 5 things that might make me have to pay extra to get the job done:

Events that may cause attorney to engage in hourly billing include, but are not limited to: (1) the other party’s unwillingness to cooperate in litigation; (2) Client making unreasonable demands upon the Attorney; (3) Client failing to communicate with Attorney; (4) Client taking steps that Attorney has not authorized or advised that are adverse to Client’s case; or (5) Client’s case is, or becomes, complex and requires extensive work beyond the retainer stated herein.

So it becomes fairly clear to me that at least 60% of the outcome in this matter is dependent upon what I do or don't do. Furthermore, I've been informed that if the job at hand takes more than the initial deposit I put down, that I will be billed at an hourly rate of $350/hour! Now, at that rate, it becomes way less expensive for me to just go up to Vegas and sit some time; however, I better know that if that's the outcome, the responsibility is mine, nobody else's.

What are the elements of faith in this example, and what are my responsibilities? First, I've allowed this person to become a higher power in my life regarding this matter. I've come to allowing this because I did try on my own to see if I could resolve it myself, and found that I couldn't. I chose this attorney through some direction from the Nevada Bar Association, my own intuition, and my own judgment. Also added in is some humility - even though I have a lot of experience with the legal system, and even though I've watched hours and hours of Matlock, LA Law, and Law and Order, I've conceded that my attorney's knowledge, experience, and wisdom outweigh my own. So I've put trust and faith in him.

Second, because I've already conceded that my attorney can do a better job, I'm going to let him. I'm following his instructions - I'm being honest, and I'm refraining from meddling in his job, and I'm trusting that if he needs more information from me to do a good job, he will ask. 

Third, I've let go of any doubt or anxiety surrounding what it going to happen. This is a practice that gets better with time and, well, practice! I note that throughout my life, when I've let go of doubt, fear, and anxiety about my own well-being, things turn out better than I expected. It really is that simple.

Lastly, I am willing to accept whatever the outcome of this is. In fact, when I've taken the steps of cultivating faith and pointing it in the right direction, the outcome no longer becomes important. I recognize that the important experience is the journey itself (practicing faith) rather than the destination.

In the recovery program I was brought up in, which has steps, members often explain the first 3 steps in the following way: I can't, He can, and I let him. In this example, I can't effectively represent myself in getting this matter resolved; I believe he (my attorney) can, so the wise part of me is going to let him do his job without interference. And lastly, because I've committed to turning this case over to my attorney, I'm going to accept the results. By the way, I do have a couple ideas of how things might turn out, but I'm not married to any of those ideas. It's like going to Disney World - if I plan a rigid itinerary of what I'd like to do and experience, I increase the odds of becoming disappointed; however, if I just show up with the idea in mind that I'm going to have a good time, I most likely will.

For me, this is a good example of how faith works when I have an understanding of what faith is and when I'm directing it skillfully. Again, it is less about getting what i think i want out of a situation and more about learning how to trust and believe in my Creator to lead me to becoming the best person I am destined to become and doing the things that will allow me to live an enriching life abundantly. The biggest difference in the example I've given and other faith examples in my life is that I often have more footwork to do than I do in today's example. 

I will be writing more about faith in the coming days, because this experience has sparked a lot of reflection about faith, and how I use it both consciously and unconsciously, skillfully and unskillfully.

I appreciate your allowing me to share my journey with you.

Namasté,

Ken