Life Doesn't Get Any Better

Some years ago, I heard a speaker, who had some time in recovery, state that his life hadn't gotten any better since he quit drinking and began practicing a program of recovery - but that his response to life had improved dramatically. This rang very true to me - I heard it as the Truth, and stored it somewhere up in my cranium (which, to be honest, isn't always the best place to store important stuff). 

I understand the concept, and it's very simple - life is how I perceive it. But, as many have discovered, knowing a Truth and living the Truth are two different things. I've heard it described in Unity as the longest journey I'll ever take - the 18" between my head and my heart.

For so long I tried to escape life while still living, and when I couldn't escape it, I did what I could to try to soften its blows. Years turned into decades of searching for a way to be ok with life and a way to be ok with myself. Nothing I discovered was sustainable. My efforts were met with disappointment, failure, shame, and immense suffering.

I was at a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. All of our meetings include a brief meditation. Tonight's meditation was Make Your Life Sacred by Sarah Blondin. She gives great meditations, and it is evident that she has experienced her own suffering, and made the journey from her head to her heart. Tonight's meditation spoke of this concept that I heard many years ago - that life really does treat me how I treat it. And I realized that I am much closer (if not there) to responding to life (and myself) in a way that creates happiness and peace - not only for me, but for those whose lives I touch. 

Recovery Dharma is an addiction (substance and process) recovery program based on Buddhism's Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. One of the basic tenets of Recovery Dharma is that my suffering is created simply by my misunderstanding of reality and my unskillful reactions to it. Meditation and mindfulness practice is essential to this recovery journey. Consistent meditation practice actually changes the way the brain works - stress and anxiety are reduced, and happiness, empathy, and compassion are increased. Mindfulness allows me to take a step back from my thinking and observe how it causes my suffering. 

That's all well and good, but that's still all in the head. What about this journey to the heart? Good question!

Last week I celebrated my 60th birthday, and for me it was (still is) the hugest milestone of my life since being born. I had an extraordinary experience a couple of days later - I don't remember exactly what I was doing - puttering around the house - but I got this strong feeling/thought (it came out of nowhere, as thoughts do) that suicide was no longer an option for me. On my pull-down menu of 'Reactions to Life,' self-annihilation had disappeared. It was, and is, a deep conviction that I am completely ready to face the rest of this life experience without the desire to take myself out. Now, to a lot of you reading this, you'll say, "Well, duh!" That's because it hasn't been an option for you. For me, and many others, it has been. It is exactly the same feeling, the same conviction, of those recovering alcoholics who have told me that drinking is no longer an option for them. What was once an option that seemed to be an out if life got too tough is simply no longer there, and that is nothing short of a miracle. (This doesn't mean that I no longer have to work a recovery program, because suicide and substance use are merely symptoms of the real problem, which is suffering - needless suffering from this experience called life). 

Sarah Blondin spoke tonight about the mystery of life - that there are things that we will never understand on a cognitive level, but that we can accept on a heart level. Sam Harris, my meditation mentor, calls it consciousness - the awareness that life exists, and that I am a part of, an object of consciousness. Living this way, one begins to see that life is neither good nor bad, it just is. Well, doesn't that mean you just don't give a shit anymore? Good question! One might think so, but it isn't so. It actually means that I am able to care about life - yours and mine - without wholly identifying with what I my mind thinks is going on. It allows me to use compassion and empathy to sit with another person's suffering and support them without it creating suffering in me. It allows me to feel the pain of life and get to the other side without being crushed. In the end, it allows me to know, both in my head and in my heart, that I can make it - I can survive - whatever I experience. In the end, it allows me to do one thing I have never been able to do before in this lifetime (and which so many of you seem to do with ease), and that is to realize, to know deep down, that Life Is Precious. In other words, Life Is Sacred.

You see, solely in my head, life makes no sense. As some have said, life's a bitch and then you die. My stance used to be, "Let's skip the bitch part and get to the dying part." Now I stand in an ever-growing awareness that life, consciousness, is a precious gift. It is a gift that I can endeavor to give to others on this journey, through connection and sharing. Knowing that life is sacred allows me to look upon the suffering of others not with revulsion, but with compassion and empathy, because I am becoming more aware each day that your life is my life, and my life is yours. I am now much more able to practice lovingkindness toward others rather than contempt, disdain, or even hatred. I am becoming more skillful at treating myself with love and understanding rather than self-deprecation and self-hatred.

There isn't a goal on this journey, other than enlightenment, but if we make enlightenment the goal, we won't reach it and we certainly won't enjoy the journey (yes, one of the mysteries and paradoxes of life). The journey is the goal - to become aware of each moment in this journey, so that we may experience life to the fullest.

You know what I really want to do? Right now anyway - I want to speak to people who suffer and feel downtrodden and shit on by life and let them know that there is hope. Real hope. Not hope in some far off, dreamy way, like winning the lottery some day (although that hope exists, too), but hope right here, right now, in this moment, in this present experience, no matter how things may appear. That's what I want to do. I want to let people know that the pain that is inevitable in living this existence does not have to turn into suffering, and that it can have value. 

I am so incredibly grateful to be here now, more so than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am grateful for all of the teachers and teachings that have led me to the way I am experiencing life in this moment, and I am truly grateful to be alive.

May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be well, and may you be free from suffering.

Namasté,

Ken

60!

 Today is my 60th birthday, the beginning of my 61st trip around the Sun! It truly is a happy day for me, and I've rarely been able to say that. Over the past few weeks I've been pondering what it's like for me to be turning 60, and I can honestly say it's a miracle, and I'm glad and grateful to be here today.

Two years ago, after experiencing yet another bottom and return to hope, I made a commitment to myself to do my best to stay alive for the next two years. My cycles in and out of sanity/recovery are, on average, about two years, so I thought that 2 years was a reasonable time to make a commitment. I almost blew staying alive 10 months ago, and I've since realized that these 'cycles' are actually getting shorter, so I've really got to keep on my toes. In fact, if the past 9 months are any indicator, it looks like I'd better commit daily to doing whatever I can to stay alive.

But it's become, fortunately, so much more than staying alive, or merely surviving. If this is your first time reading my blog, my daily 'struggle', as it were, is doing whatever I can to stay out of life-threatening depression and remaining abstinent from alcohol and other addictive, mood-altering substances. In fact, this incarnation of my blog began 7 years ago with this post Return to Recovery. If you read it, you'll see that my aim is the same: "I still have hope that I can learn to enjoy this lifetime, and to live a life that has purpose and meaning. That seems like a tall order, but, taken in little chunks, and done with guidance, it's probably do-able. We'll see." In some respects, nothing has changed; in others, everything has.

"It's been a long life." This statement was my mantra for a long time. In fact, it seems to me I've packed a few lifetimes into this life, and today, I look at that as a positive - it means that I'm never truly stuck. I've learned that life is constantly changing, and, more importantly, changes more quickly, with less suffering, when I am able to accept 'what is' without clinging.

This past July 10th, I reached a recovery milestone of 9 months without the use of alcohol. If you are close to me, you know that I don't put much stock for myself in time of abstinence - to me, it's sort of like celebrating the fact that I've eaten something every day for the past 9 months, or breathed for the past 9 months. It is vitally important that I do these things - stay sober, eat, and breathe - but it's seems just as important that I aspire each day to live this day to it's fullest. I don't think I was given this life to merely stay out of jail and be a source of carbon dioxide. I hope not, anyway. 

The much more significant recovery milestone that I've reached is today. The miracle is that I woke up this morning, giving me yet another opportunity to fully embrace life. I've spent so much of my life doing just the opposite. I've spent most of my life trying to avoid life, or, more accurately, trying to avoid the pain and discomfort that (I now know) comes automatically with life. In doing so, I've caused myself and others pain, discomfort, and suffering. I was hoping to create some happiness, peace, and joy in my life; what I actually often created was sorrow and discord.

So much has occurred over the last few years, and especially the past 9 months, to convince me that life is not only worth living, that it can be a joyful experience. This is the miracle of my 60th birthday - that today, I am actually enjoying life and looking forward to what comes next! I would have thought that 60 was pretty much the end of life, that it's all downhill from here. Not so for my 60 - I feel vibrantly alive today, and I am filled with joy. These are feelings I was skeptical about feeling, and words I never thought I'd write.

I have deep gratitude for all the experiences and people that have brought me to this day. If you are reading this, you are one of the people that has brought me joy and given me purpose. I hope that your days are filled with much hope, joy, health, and peace. Thank you.

Namasté,

Ken

Releasing Self-Righteousness

 If a person in recovery is fortunate, lives long enough, and searches diligently and deeply for 'causes and conditions', answers begin to come. Answers to the questions, "What is it going to take for me to begin to really enjoy life? What's it going to take for me to stop sabotaging myself, even in recovery? What's it going to take for me to stop hating myself, much less like, or even love, myself?" One such answer came to me this evening. It is probably not THE answer, but it's a big one. I ran across a quote in my Facebook feed from Roland Bal, who treats PTSD and C-PTSD, and whom I follow. It is this: "Self-righteousness is an outcome of uncontained and unresolved anger. Think opposites; when you are made to feel small, you want to feel significant." 

Reading that statement opened a door for me. You see, I engage in a whole lot of self-righteous, judgmental thinking. Now, I very rarely expose myself by actually saying what I think when I'm in that mode - I also have huge people-pleasing tendencies, and I don't think that people-pleasing and self-righteousness mix well together. Additionally, I loathe self-righteous people (which is a bit ironic). But I also still loathe myself a lot of the time, especially lately, when this type of thinking in which I'm engaging bothers me. It bothers me, but I'm not very skillful yet at stopping it or letting it go. I do recognize that I've nothing to be self-righteous about. I am a very far cry from being a pure and perfect human being. But the fact remains, on occasion...well, on many occasions...I think I'm smarter than and better than most folks. And this happens a lot at work, and it happens off and on at home (my current home, living with 10 young men). 

In the Recovery Dharma program, compassion is big. Practicing compassion is emphasized - both compassion with others, and compassion with ourselves. Additionally, as a trained and certified (but not currently working as) Peer Support Specialist, I am supposed to practice compassion and empathy and be non-judgmental. And the weird thing, maybe, is that I do practice compassion, and I am empathetic and non-judgmental. When I sit down with another person and have a real conversation about recovery or life or whatever, I set my intention to be that compassionate person, and I am. And I don't judge those whom I've gotten to know through this process. So, if I have the capacity and the skill for compassion and empathy, why does my mind flip at times to self-righteousness and judgmental-ism? 

The answer is in the above quote: "...when [I am] made to feel small, [I] want to feel significant."

This is obviously an issue of self-esteem and self-worth, and I know I'm not alone. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, co-founder Bill Wilson writes in his own story, "...Twenty-two, and a veteran of foreign wars, I went home at last. I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. I took a night law course, and obtained employment as investigator for a surety company. The drive for success was on. I'd prove to the world I was important [emphasis added]." (Alcoholics Anonymous, AA World Services, 4th ed, pp. 1-2) Now I had read Bill's Story numerous times over the years, and I missed the line, "I'd prove to the world I was important." When it finally hit me, it occurred to me that a person with normal self-worth and normal self-esteem doesn't need to prove to anybody that they're important. And Bill felt this way at the beginning of his alcoholic journey, before his mind had been warped and he'd been beaten down by the disease.

I'd heard often in meetings that alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes, and it certainly seems to agree with Bill's statement. In the last few years of various treatment modalities, I've learned that alcoholics and addicts take on some of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This isn't to say that all alcoholics have this disorder, but that a number of the traits that those with the disorder have are developed during the course of a person's addiction, such as, "I know better than you (or anybody)" and "I can do whatever I want." 

The AA way is to classify this egomania combined with feelings of inferiority as a character defect or shortcoming, and ask God to remove it. That actually never worked for me.

I assert that Bill Wilson's desire to prove he was important developed long before he ever took his first drink of alcohol. Roland Bal's statement suggests that when I am made to feel small, I want to feel significant - the opposite of small. When I am unheard, I desire to be heard. When I am made to feel stupid, or useless, or less-than (not good enough), I desire to feel smart, useful, or better than good enough. I'm not an egomaniac. I think egomaniacs have ambition, something I've never seemed to have a lot of. Or maybe will, or drive. I do remember wanting to show the 'peers' (I use that term really loosely here) with whom I attended high school that I was something, and often got on the path to do just that. But I could never stay on the path. I always, always, always failed. Every single time. Some people become great successes, yet still feel inferior at their core - for no good reason. I had reason. I was inferior.

So, over the years, I retained my better-than-thou attitude because having it made me feel superior, or significant. But, just like the alcohol, and the substances, and the behaviors that made me feel good, my attitude could never sustain how I really felt, what I really believed about myself - that I was less-than, and defective, and really undeserving of anything good. For the longest time, I wasn't even lovable; if somebody did love me, they were either crazy, or I had fooled them into loving me. That love was never sustainable.

But I digress. The fact is that I had developed a habit of thinking, an attitude, in which the world and most of its inhabitants were really quite shitty, and unsuitable for me. So even when I got something nice, like a shiny new car, or a shiny new job, or a shiny new girlfriend, eventually my overall attitude would color the the new thing or person, and it wasn't good enough any more. And I'd leave. Or drink. Or attempt suicide. Or all of the above, it did not matter, I would fuck. it. up.

I had a new job once and a friend asked me how I liked it, and I said, "It's great! I really like everybody there!" And they replied, "Don't worry, that'll pass." Yep.

This evening, after I read that quote, memories came up of a lot of the times growing up that others, usually authority figures, made me feel small. Or, to put it more accurately, I erroneously believed the demeaning words and actions of some people. But, when a five or six-year-old child is told by their 1st grade teacher to stand in a corner and stay there, and "don't turn around because nobody wants to see your face," that child, who is supposed to respect his teachers and believe what they say, might have a tendency to believe that teacher. To this day I have no idea or recollection of what I did wrong. But I knew I was bad. And what happened with me was I began to look at almost everybody as better and/or bigger than me. I was small.

So what happens at work, or at home (living with 10 young men), that triggers this 'small' feeling, to which I respond with thoughts of judgment? I can truthfully say that it's all internal, not external. Nobody has talked down to me, or done anything purposely to make me feel small for a very long time. It's the fear of being judged 'not good enough' that I carry with me. It's the fear of people that I don't know well and that are 'different' from me that I carry. There's the opportunity to be judged at work, because I'm not perfect at my job. There's the opportunity to be judged at home, because even though we're peers in addiction, I'm different because I'm old (and probably old-fashioned). I've got some nice things going now, but I need to be wary because things always change for the worse. That idea right there is the underlying belief, and the key to becoming a professional self-saboteur.

I like signs of progress, and I experienced some progress the other day. A person at work who handles pricing and making price tags (we must have a million) called me up to their office. I had set up some displays the day previous, and did not make any signage for prices or product description. They let me know in no uncertain terms that that can't happen, and that if I need assistance in making the signage, they'd help. Now, the person telling me this did this in a manner that was pretty stern, and very understandable to me. The progress I made was I accepted that I had screwed up, this person was letting me know, very firmly, how to avoid screwing up again. I did not take this personally, like "I'm a bad person." (In fact, come to think of it, if my thinking had gone that way, the better and more accurate version would have been, "I'm a bad worker). I left that encounter examining what I was thinking and feeling, and it was all ok. I screwed up, they let me know. It happens. I like when things like this happen - I can respond in a rational way. I know I can do it!

What can I do about this habitual, downward spiral thinking of mine that causes me suffering? I've already started with the first thing: objective self-examination/reflection. The next is to share this with someone, such as my mentor. 

Then I would probably visit my inner child, the 5 year-old me, or the 11 year-old me, or the 19 year-old me, in meditation and say something like this: "I am sorry you are hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt. When adults speak to you in a demeaning way, a way that makes you feel small, it is not you. It is not your fault - adults have no business talking down to a child, and those that do have their own issues inside that they haven't dealt with. They really know no better, and it is not your fault. You are a worthy person simply because You Are. When your peers make fun of you, and make you feel 'not good enough', know that this, too, is done out of their own ignorance, and their own issues. People who feel good about who they are don't put others down. Please know that you are loved, that you are a valuable and worthwhile person. Please know that your life is valuable. Please know that for every person you meet that puts you down, you will meet 100 others who will lift you up. You are not a burden to anybody, and you are so much more than 'enough'." Something like that. 

Then there is journaling. Actual journaling, not just this blog. And forgiveness - me first. I will forgive myself for believing the lies with which I grew up for so so long into my adulthood. I will forgive myself for the harm I caused myself and others through acting on my erroneous beliefs. And I will forgive those that I believe hurt me. I will begin practicing understanding and compassion when I think of these people. I will send  metta to every one of them.

And I will consciously practice gratitude for every person in my life. I will practice seeing the best in them. In doing so, I will eliminate the cognitive dissonance I experience and the self-loathing I feel from desiring to be a kind, loving, compassionate person while thinking like a self-righteous twit. I will open myself to even greater connection with others and begin to recognize the worth of us all.

So that's the plan. In my last post, I wrote about recognizing and developing personal power. A person who feels small and insignificant does not feel much personal power, if any. The better a person feels about themself, the more personal power they have to direct their lives in a way that is beneficial not only to the person but to those whose lives they touch. That is my desire - to live in such a way that benefits humankind and eases the suffering of others.

And we'll see where that goes.

Namasté,

Ken