A year ago at this time I was in relapse. The basic reason I was in relapse was that I was not talking about situations at my new job that were triggering my belief that I am a fake and a failure. When I was in the hospital in Oro Valley last October, I came to the realization that my response to the situation I was in was way out of line with what was actually happening - I was delusional and my behavior was irrational. A good dose of healthy realization is painful but can also be incredibly beneficial to healing.
I have been realizing lately that at my current job my habit of withholding my concerns has not served me very well at all. My pretending that everything is fine with me regarding work caused me physical pain and illness as well as emotional stress and anguish. Since I had my hernia surgery, moved to the front end of the store (checking) and made the decision to not return to dairy, my physical pain and anxiety surrounding work have virtually disappeared. It was really hard for me to ask for time off for surgery, and then to ask to not return to dairy. The response to my requests from my superiors has been nothing but positive and supportive, which is exactly the opposite of what my beliefs told me would happen. My beliefs told me that the response would be, literally, "If you can't do your f#*king job then just gtfo you useless piece of shit. You've got nothing coming." That kind of thinking can cause a bit of anxiety.
Fortunately, over the past year I have been working on supporting the new belief that I am a valuable employee (and person) and that I have a lot to contribute to any organization with which I am affiliated - and it's not just wishful thinking - I have evidence to back this belief up. Unfortunately, exchanging old ideas that no longer serve me with new ones that work better is not as easy as just unplugging a module from my brain and replacing it with a new improved version. There is a period of time in which both beliefs seem to be operative at the same time, and this naturally causes mental and emotional stress and discomfort. However, being mindful about this process makes the stress and discomfort bearable; it's like going to the dentist - we know that it'll be an uncomfortable, if not downright painful, experience, but we also know that it's necessary and that we'll be better off in the long run.
Yesterday I came to work and discovered that I had been scheduled to work 2 days this week for a total of 13.75 hours, which is way below what I'm usually scheduled and totally inadequate to sustain my standard of living. I looked at that and the very first thought that crossed my mind was, "They're trying to get rid of me." This idea actually has some basis in fact, as retail and other service industries will use this tactic to get rid of an employee without having to actually fire them - just decrease their schedule so they can't possibly live on what they're making. Fortunately I'm healthy enough nowadays to know that there are other plausible explanations. I didn't immediately go into "I'm screwed" mode, and I considered what to do about this situation throughout my shift last night, and then some more this morning.
Because of my recent health issues (which are now resolved), I don't have any savings. Seeing the schedule triggered somewhat of a panic response in me, and I had to use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) skills as well as my spiritual practice to quell the panic. I was able to recognize that although my sense of security was threatened, my safety is not threatened. This is important - our subconscious' sole purpose in life is to keep us alive (which, by the way, is something at which it will ultimately fail). The subconscious thinks "Danger! Danger! Your source of survival (the job) has just disappeared! Panic!" I had to reassure my subconscious that I was in no immediate danger of going hungry or becoming homeless - in other words, my safe environment is still intact. My sense of security, on the other hand, was definitely dinged. But that's ok - security is not really a quantifiable state. A sense of security is really a false sort of thing that we carry around to make us feel better in a life filled with impermanence. But I'm safe - that's a fact.
Next, I had to twist my thinking around to see this as an opportunity. I have been wanting more time for spiritual and social development, as well as vocational development. I want to do something to earn a living that is more in line with my gifts and talents, and that takes time and energy. My decreased work schedule opened up both time and energy for me to consider and pursue my next vocation.
So the important thing here is that I was able to take myself out of crisis mode. However, there's more to be done to move out of a state of confusion about what's going on - I needed to talk to some people to become more aware of what's really happening, and in which direction I might head.
I went to the store this morning to talk with the grocery manager, who is second in command at my store. He's not the one who wrote the schedule, which is good because I can come to him without having an attitude of "why did you do this to me?" I also had time to set the intention of how I'm going to show up in this conversation: I want to let him know what is going on and what my concerns are in a direct, matter of fact way. I needed to show up as calm and rational. So I let him know what was going on, and that one of the days for which I had been scheduled was my only 'unavailable' day, and that the schedule was not going to work for me. I told him that I was not going to show up for the shift scheduled on my unavailable day (which happens to be tomorrow). He told me he would see what he could do about the situation, and I went on my way.
I had no faith that anything would be done - my concern leaving the office was about how I would productively use all the free time I was looking forward to this week.
A couple hours later I received a call from the store giving me my new schedule for the week - I had 3 shifts added to the days I am available. I was not expecting this! And I still have enough of my own time to move forward in developing a new work situation for myself that allows me more control over what I'm doing and when I'm doing it, as well as how much I make while doing it.
So here's the upshot - a major issue had presented itself to me, and I did what was indicated in a wise and skillful way. I took actions that, while challenging for me, prevented a crisis and alleviated my concern. I talked to people who could help me about what was going on so that I could move forward without causing undue suffering in mine or anyone else's life (although I don't know where they were able to come up with hours for me to work - not my problem).
This might seem like basic adulting to a lot of y'all, but for me it represents a major accomplishment in learning how to navigate life without falling back into self-destructive patterns. My actions today give me hope and confidence that I can and will continue to learn to navigate this life successfully. And a big part of what make this so enjoyable for me is that I will be able to share this success with others who may struggle when seeming obstacles appear in their lives. There is, I am finding, much joy in embracing challenges in life rather than finding ways to avoid and escape.
I appreciate being able to share my journey with you, and I hope I inspire you to share your journey with others - that's what it's all about.
Namasté,
Ken
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