Netflix, in its infinite, Netflixian wisdom, decided to produce a series about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer from Milwaukee. This has come to my attention only because some of my housemates have decided that this is fine viewing material. Every time it comes on, I wisely leave. This is the 30th anniversary of Dahmer's trial, and, unfortunately, I and thousands of other Milwaukeeans were treated to front row seats to that spectacle through the efforts of WISN radio. I do not remember how long the trial lasted - two weeks, I think - but I do remember listening to it on the radio every day at work. I was not drinking at the time, but I remember smoking 2 packs of cigarettes each day (more affordable back then, and we could smoke at work) and feeling absolutely miserable at the end of each day. Go figure!
Fortunately, this post is not about that. This post is about the way I've been feeling and the way I've been dealing with my feelings on the eve of my latest 1 year sobriety anniversary. As you might have already surmised from reading between the lines, I'm not in a 'happy' spot. I am, however, in a good spot; well, at least a better spot than I was a year ago, and certainly in a wiser and more skillful spot.
It was somewhat surprising to me that the reappearance of Jeffrey Dahmer affected me as it has - it's brought up very unpleasant memories and feelings, and it's triggering effect and my revulsion to the Netflix series makes me wonder if I somehow traumatized myself 30 years ago by letting myself be privy to all of that crap on a daily basis for a few weeks. You see, I'm not the sharpest tool in my pappy's shed, but I do recognize today that over the years I allowed myself to get into and stay in situations that were not at all beneficial to my well-being.
This is one of the things that I'm grateful for, and I call it Dark Gratitude because it comes from a place of suffering. It's not the kind of gratitude I hear from my geriatric customers, who, when I ask how they are today, say, "I'm just grateful I woke up today!" or some such stuff that I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's not the kind of gratitude that ignores the true suffering that exists; Dark Gratitude is the kind of gratitude we get from experiencing deep suffering and coming through the other side. Those of us who have been there know why we're grateful today, and I'm grateful to be grateful today. It's a gift, but it's not one to be shared with your ordinary average citizen; it's to be shared with others who have 'been there'.
We had a really severe thunderstorm here today, with high winds, and lots of rain and hail. It was a bit scary, and I was grateful to be in a safe environment throughout. Part of my gratitude comes from having survived the extremes of nature when I did not have shelter. From that gratitude comes compassion for those who are currently feeling not so safe in their current environments, and there are many. I am grateful today that I can even think of others who may not be safe; there have been times when my focus was so narrow that all I could see or feel was my own discomfort.
Dark Gratitude, for me, is being able to see my current difficulties (which are all still internal), and not feeling overwhelmed any more. As I continue on my healing journey, I become more aware that my bright and healthy future is made from the stuff that I am letting go of today. It's still hard to let go of that which no longer serves me, such as expectations and clinging attachments, but the task is made easier by knowing that I am growing into a better version of myself by doing so. I'm also grateful that today I have a realistic vision of a better version of myself. That person did not exist until very recently.
Dark Gratitude is the sadness and fear I feel when someone close to me is struggling with their health. A person came into my life some years ago as a client of mine, and that person was struggling with all of the issues that come from being unable to quit drinking. That person has been in recovery since I've met them, and they are as fine an example of recovery as you'd ever want to see. But, like all of us at one time or another, this person is struggling with some health issues, and I feel sad. My Dark Gratitude is that I can actually feel for another person's struggles, and that I have this person in my life that I can feel for and care about. Dark Gratitude is bittersweet. And today I have a lot of gratitude for the really, really remarkable people who grace my consciousness and my life. I am so blessed. The dark, or maybe humble, part of this gratitude is knowing that every one of them is a gift that I do not deserve.
I can go on and on, and I'm grateful for that as well! One of the things about scratching the surface of gratitude is that I keep finding more and more to be grateful about. And as I write this, I think that perhaps what I call Dark Gratitude could also be called Realistic Gratitude, or Deep Gratitude, or even Radical Gratitude. But I'm going to leave the title as it is, because it reminds me that even when I feel dark, as I kind of do now, (but lighter than when I started), that I still have a lot for which to be grateful.
I am truly grateful for your reading this far. Please know that you are an important part of my life, and that my wish for you is that you experience safety and wellness and freedom from suffering.
Namasté,
Ken
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