Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken

My Only Regret

I know I'm not supposed to have regrets. I really don't have any, but from time to time I wish I had been outwardly rebellious as a child. The inward and sideways rebellion I practiced nearly killed me, and it's taking a long time to recover from that. 

When I reached my teens, I wanted to run away. Too chickenshit, maybe, or not enough self-esteem, or maybe it was just my path to sit in my shit. I hated my home, I hated my parents, I hated (most of) my school. Instead of physically running away, I chose to escape chemically, which, of course, ignited the alcoholism within me. Even if I had stayed where I was, but stood up for myself - but that wasn't to be.

I share this because I know there are others out there who have lived or currently live in situations that feel intolerable. A lot of people I know are so pro-family that they would be loyal to their parents even if they were serial killers. Today I believe that sometimes a person just has to call a turd a turd, walk away, and not look back.

I don't know that life would have been better, or that I would have been better. It would have been different, that's for sure. I feel like I spent way more time than was necessary living my life for others - hoping to gain someone's approval. What nobody told me (or what I never heard) was that most of all I needed to gain my own approval. I need to live my own life - trying to live someone else's version of my life just does not work.

And so I do that today. And, because of my experience, I share whatever wisdom I've gained from living the way I did with others. Because I believe depression stems from oppression (either by self or by others), I encourage others to begin to live from who they really are. I let folks know that they're just fine the way they are right now. I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else. I am going to repeat that:

I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else.

And you know what? It's bullshit! We were not created to fulfill anybody else's purpose except our own. We were not created so that someone else could live vicariously through us. We were not created to atone for someone else's self-perceived shortcomings and mistakes. 

I encourage and support anybody discovering and living to their purpose at any age, but I especially let young people know that they are individuals with a unique set of gifts and talents and their own life to explore. If it happens to mesh with someone else's life, awesome. If not, that's fine, too.

I came into recovery, then, with a double-whammy - first, I felt a lot of shame and guilt because I didn't live up to someone else's expectations of me, and second, I feel the shame and regret from wasting my time on earth trying, instead of exploring who Ken is.

It's not easy to switch gears and begin living to one's own purpose. It's challenging, difficult, and sometimes sad. But it's also real, and it's enriching. If there were some sort of camera that could capture the way I felt about myself and my life 40 years ago and the way I feel today, the difference would be amazing. In my mind I see the dark, timid little creature I was 4 decades ago, and today I see the bright colorful being I'm becoming. It's amazing. And if I don't, even today, live up to the standards of a few people, well, too bad. Save your standards for yourself, not me. I've got my own, thanks.

There, I feel better.

Namaste,

Ken

Let's Get Real!

From "The Velveteen Rabbit," Margery Williams, 1922

I have survived, despite a half-century of self-neglect and self-abuse. Much of the self-destructiveness I practiced centered around my fear of living life and my fear of me. There is a spark of life within me that even I don't have the power to snuff out. When I accepted that reality, I knew that I must begin to learn to face the biggest obstacle to me living a decent life - me.

Most people understand shortly after they begin their recovery journey that they are going to have to face some things - that part (or maybe all) of our addiction comes from the desire to cover up what we don't like or fear about ourselves. We basically have to face our darkest secrets in recovery. That can be scary. No matter what the darkness is - resentment, fear, shame from being abused or from being the abuser - whatever - it is poison, because it remains deeply hidden within us, away from any kind of light. Our secrets and our shame becomes a cancer, and, if left untreated, eventually destroys us.

Now, almost none of us walks into a recovery meeting the first time, or into treatment, and blurts out, "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I hate my mother." Rarely happens.  Much of the time, our 'stuff' that we carry into recovery is a tangled mess - so much so, we are often unaware of all of it, and we need assistance with untangling it all.

When we were young, many of us learned we had a 'permanent record', and that it was a very bad thing to have anything on this permanent record. Say you stepped on a crack in the third grade. You were worried for the rest of the day, knowing that your mom was lying on the kitchen floor, unable to move, because you were careless and broke her back. So, you get home as fast as you can to rescue mom, and discover that she's just fine - no broken back. On the one hand, that's awesome! We didn't permanently injure mom! On the other hand, that stepping on a crack was still a bad thing to do, even though it seems like it had no effect - this time. In the 3rd grade we did not possess the critical thinking skills to determine the difference between the truth and bs. And then, one of (at least) two things happen - we learn that, perhaps, in certain circumstances, maybe we can get away with doing something 'bad', or, we thank God, or our lucky stars or whatever, that we didn't break mom's back through our carelessness, and vow to never, ever, ever step on a crack again.

But what about that permanent record? If we get a C in geometry, it might prevent us from getting into the finest post-secondary education, and we'll end up with crappy jobs for the rest of our lives, marry beneath our station, have ugly, delinquent children, and be miserable, unhealthy wrecks until the day we die.  And, because we got that C in geometry, we might end up hanging around with the wrong bunch, and get into smoking cigarettes, drinking, and maybe even sex. All of that goes on our permanent record, which, if it isn't perfect, guarantees us to have a shitty life.

Yes, the two examples - hurting someone through doing something innocent like stepping on a crack, or ruining our lives because we're average in math - are outrageous examples as we read them with an adult brain. But the concept isn't outrageous. As children, we learned that our parents and elders were always right (or we learned to not trust). So, if someone tells us we're going to go to hell because we swore or told a lie or stole something, or, if in a moment of anger, we said, "Dad, I hate you!", that can stick with us even as adults who understand that that Hell probably isn't going to happen. (Imagine how confused a person must get if they're told they're bad by an abuser. That's a mess to untangle!).

So everybody has a dark side. Everybody learns to cover it up. If one is a human being without an addiction or a mental health condition, one could probably go their whole lives without shame affecting them much. However, in addiction and mental illness, any shame we have is magnified and multiplied, because it is food for the addiction and or mental health condition. But every human being presents a 'socialized' self to the outer world, and the self we present is rarely if ever a perfect reflection of who we really feel we are on the inside.

My experience has been that if I want to recover, I have to get as close a match between my outside representation of myself and how I am on the inside. It's scary and challenging. I can say, however, that it is not only possible, but one of the best things I could ever do for myself. Here are some of the benefits of getting real that I've experienced:

• I no longer walk around with a nagging worry that someone will 'discover' me and reject me;
• I experience more peace and happiness with who I am;
• I have a better group of friends than I've ever had, and I haven't had to bribe or coerce them to be my friends - they're real, too;
• I have more mental energy to focus on the things I love, because I'm using less to keep up an image;
• I have less depression, and I self-sabotage a lot less;
• I get to stay sober;
• I no longer feel like a fraud every.single.day;
• I trust others more;
• I trust myself more;
• I believe my opening up, being real, and showing that it's not only possible but desirable allows others to be real;
• My relationships are real (and, conversely, fake folks drop away);
• I grow to love myself and humanity more.

These are just some of the benefits of allowing myself to be the person that the Universe created. It's all about freedom - that which we cry for so much, yet push away by our actions. And I understand today that my flaws and imperfections are there as ways to connect with my Higher Power and others; because, trust me, if I were perfect, I wouldn't have nothin' to do with nobody. This I know.

It is a scary process, but one which is quite doable if done prudently with safe people. A person probably doesn't want to walk into the biker bar they've been going to for the past twenty years one night and announce that they're gay. However, there are other ways to come to healthy grips with who we are. If you're interested in doing this, start by finding someone who has done it themselves.

Shakespeare wrote, "To thine own self be true." He knew. He knew.

Namaste,

Ken

What I Get When I Open My Mind

I used to not believe what I could not understand. This is kind of the way humans are, I think. But I took it one step further - because my thinking was so right, if I couldn't understand it, it wasn't understandable. I did not seek to understand; I didn't even seek to accept.

For instance, if anybody ever saw any good in me, either they were lying or I had them fooled. This kind of attitude makes for very short relationships, and by relationships, I mean all kinds - friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, etc. If you thought I was a decent person, you were either lying or delusional, because deep down, I knew I wasn't a decent person. I wasn't the kind of person that had anything that was likable or any sort of skill that was useful to anyone. 

This belief in my innate badness is very much a shame-based belief. It was so strong that it persisted despite much evidence to the contrary. Most people (I think) think they are pretty good people who occasionally make mistakes or do bad things. My perception of me was that I was basically a bad person who occasionally did good things. 

In my opinion, it is impossible to stay in recovery and keep this attitude. Or, it is impossible to keep this belief and stay in recovery. It is also impossible, in my experience, to keep this shame based attitude and have a healthy relationship with God. 

I will not say that I presently have the best attitude or belief about myself that I could have, but it's better than it used to be. I'm finally beginning to see that there are steps in between the alpha of desperately sick and the omega of perfectly healthy, much like there are steps to acceptance. 

I saw a bumper sticker a few years back that said, "Don't believe everything you think." Good advice! As I've mentioned in previous posts, the human brain is set up to jump to conclusions. It takes effort (plus a little insight) for most folks to move past their first thought. But lazy thinking isn't my only problem. It is the tip of the iceberg. My problem is the thoughts and perceptions generated from a lifetime of thinking that I'm a piece of breathing, walking shit. The change in my thinking must come from my depths - surface change isn't lasting change.

So here's how this whole scenario used to show up for me: I would get some opportunity that would give me hope that I had some kind of chance at having an enjoyable life. Because I had this great opportunity and some hope, I could avoid doing the things that were majorly self-destructive, like drinking. But the change was only on the surface. Because I knew so much, or maybe because I was too afraid to let anybody in on who I thought I really was, I did not go after the deeper stuff - the beliefs. When I was young, I didn't even know that I had no self-esteem, or shame-based beliefs, or any of that shit. The way I felt about myself was as natural as my hair color or my eye color. It was me. 

When I began to recognize that maybe, perhaps I don't process life like everybody else, I did not seek to understand what was different - I simply tried to suppress that difference. Because I'm smarter than everybody else, you see.

So I would cycle. About every two years (sometimes longer, if I had a prison sentence - that seemed to help in a strange way) I would crash. I would start drinking again, quit my job, abandon my domicile, quit my marriage or my relationship, and jump head-first into self-destruction. Until somebody stopped me and gave me some hope. It got to the point where I hated getting hopeful again, because I knew I was in for another disappointment down the road.  This used to be my life. Crash and burn, get some hope, do well for a couple of years, crash and burn.

What's different? A little over four years ago, after a crash and burn, I resolved to become authentic. I knew I was a big fake, and I knew I couldn't recover unless I became authentic. So I started down that path. Started. I was in a relatively safe place to be me, whoever the heck that was. But after I left that place, I reverted to Mr. Sobriety and went about making my millions, rather than allowing more healing to take place. So, after nearly two years, I crashed and burned again - the last crash and burn.

I still needed to practice authenticity, but I also needed to keep recovery first. And that I have been doing. But what was the change? I think I've mentioned it before, in different ways - I've basically run out of f^&#$ to give. I no longer care about if someone finds out who I really am. I no longer care if I make a million or if I don't. I don't even really give a good goddamn if anybody likes me or not. And when I dropped those prereqs to recovery, lo and behold, I began to get better. Bit by bit, I began to heal.

So what happened to the belief that I'm basically a pile of shit who occasionally manages not to stink? In addition to letting go of what I thought others might think of me, I began to let go of what I thought of myself. I began to put less stock in my own thinking. I began to see if maybe others weren't right when they said I was a decent human being with a something to offer. And the results of this inquiry - perhaps call it "Maybe Ken doesn't know everything" - have led to some amazing discoveries. 

The biggest discovery is I'm not the person I believe I am. I sure don't know who I am, but I'm not the waste of oxygen I once thought I was. Being relieved of that underlying belief has made sobriety a lot easier, and it has made recovery from depression possible.

I saw myself on videotape last night. Twice in the past couple of weeks I've had occasion to speak at some meetings at city hall. I was fishing around the city website, and came across recordings of those meetings. I was surprised at what I saw when I was on tape. Here was a gentleman who wasn't ugly - looked pretty normal to me - and said what he had to say in a nice and interesting manner. I knew that was me, but part of me didn't recognize me. I'm used to public speaking, and I like doing it, probably because I'm often talking about myself, and I seem to be received well. During these two meetings I did not know I was being videotaped, so it wasn't like I was doing anything for the camera - I was just doing what I do. It's like writing for me - it just comes out. Yet I thought it was funny that I really didn't recognize myself. And I'm grateful, because it shows me that my perception is still not on target. I need to know that, because every once in a while I dip back into shitville.

I'll mention one other amazing thing before I close - and this is very important: Because other people took the time to acknowledge and support the good they saw in me, I can now see the good in others who perhaps find it difficult to see themselves. This is one of the greatest gifts I've ever, ever received - to not only see myself differently, but to see others in a different light as well (Cyndi Lauper's 'True Colors' is bouncing through my head now). 

I've heard this for the past 25 years - my perception creates my reality, not the other way around. And I'm just beginning to manifest this truth. When I toss away my first thought about anything and allow something better to take its place, I start to get better and my world gets better.

Namaste,

Ken

Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I used to have as low a level of self-esteem as I think one can have and still maintain life. When I realized what self-esteem was, and when I realized I lacked it, I went in search for it. [cue "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" (Mickey Gilley)].

I thought I had found it in a bottle. It didn't last. I thought I had found it in sex. Again, it wasn't real and it didn't last. I found it in new jobs, and it wore off along with the honeymoon period. I once had a hefty sum of money - didn't do it for me (maybe because the money wasn't mine?). I looked for it in prescription medication. I looked for it everywhere, including not drinking. I went to counseling - lots of it. I successfully completed parole - felt good, but the feeling didn't last. I love playing piano, but if that actually gave me self-esteem, I'd be practicing a lot more than I do. Same with writing. Same with education - 168 college credits, and debt I'm still paying today, with no degree, no self-esteem.

When I wasn't trying to gain self-esteem through the various methods listed above, I covered up my lack of it through false pride and arrogance. God, I used to know it all, and I let people know I knew it all too. The problem (or maybe the good thing) is that that, too, didn't work forever. 

Three years ago, when I ran my own business, I remember realizing, for the first time in my life, that I could support myself. I had the skills necessary to do that. It was really nice to realize that. I don't think I realized it deep enough at the time, or perhaps that was just a taste of what was to come.

When I began my recovery, I knew that I would have to be true to myself, and I knew that I had to learn how and then take responsibility for my life. Actually, I knew this stuff in my head a long time ago, but 2-1/2 years ago, I really knew it deep down - enough to begin to take action. So when I was discharged from Genesis House and got a room on my own, I endeavored to make my top priority (regarding my finances) my rent and paying back money to my friends and former customers. I began living within my means. After a relatively short time of living within my means, and starting to really take responsibility for this life, I began to notice a strange new feeling emerge. It was a good feeling, but it wasn't euphoria. It was kind of a motivating feeling, almost like pride, but not quite. I felt good about myself and the way I was living. I felt more 'solid'. I did not know what this feeling was, and at alumni group one evening at Genesis I reported this feeling and wondered if anybody could help me name it. The counselor said, "It's called self-esteem." Wow.

Self-esteem has it's levels - it's not an on/off thing - it fluctuates. But I've been noticing some things over the past year happening to through me that I didn't ask for specifically. I began valuing the people in my life, and people in general, a lot more than I used to. I began respecting my jobs - meaning that I came to work prepared, and I wasn't just there to put in my 8 hours. I began to become interested in ethics and boundaries, and began following them, even when I was tempted not to. Weird stuff like that. I used to be honest and ethical when it suited me, or when I had nothing better to do. Now I do it all the time the majority of the time.

In the process, somewhere along the line, I began to really value my gifts, and value myself as a human being. Again, it used to be that if I received a compliment for something I had done or for a particular trait, I passed it off. Either the person giving the compliment was crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, or I felt inside that I had fooled them, or maybe they were just being nice. Nothing that was ever said good about me was real. Now it it's becoming real. 

Today for work I went to a meeting in Janesville with others who are engaged in the kind of work we do at work. (That's actually less cumbersome than trying to explain the whole thing in detail). I gave a 30 minute presentation on "The Role of the Certified Peer Specialist [that's me 😊] in the PATH Program." It went well. But I came away from today really really feeling like I belong in what I'm doing. I did not feel fake, I did not feel arrogant, I did not feel untrue to myself. I felt that solid feeling inside that comes from doing what is mine to do, and knowing that I have inside of me what I need. More self-esteem. 

And since true self-esteem does not come from doing harm to others, or from trying to make myself big, it is lasting, and it increases. The more I operate from my True Self, the more I operate from my True Self. Make sense?

So today's topic/point is not self-esteem - self-esteem is the example. Today's topic is "Everything in my life (and creation) begins with a thought." However, since I've been writing a long time, I'll make this quick.

Decades ago, I realized I had no self-esteem, and thought to myself, "I gotta get me some of that shit." (I used to be a lot cruder). And I held onto that thought - I didn't let it go. At some level, it was always with me, and though I sought after self-esteem very unskillfully, I began to arrive there. When we have a deep desire for something, it gets fulfilled. That's the way the Universe works. We live in a 'Yes' Universe. After a while, hopefully, we become a bit better skilled at requesting things, and at receiving. Really, 30 years ago, I didn't even know what I was asking for. 

Another Truth of the Universe (and the Wizard of Oz) is that everything we seek is already within us. I was born with self-esteem, because when we're born, we know where we come from. I un-learned self-esteem pretty early on, and it was a long and circuitous journey to get back to even the outer borders of it. I feel like I've entered a new country.

Seek and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you [attributed to Jesus]. Doesn't necessarily mean today, but it's there. 

Enjoy the journey!

Namaste,

Ken

The Value of Hanging In There (Pain Part III)

Recently an acquaintance voiced their frustration about not being able to find a suitable job. My response, which I don't think was taken very well, was, 'Hang in there.' I think it wasn't taken well because it was viewed as a platitude rather than a piece of good advice.

I didn't have a lot of time or space to give the full 'Hang in there' story, so I'll do it here. 

Perhaps one of the best pieces of advice I've received about early recovery is this - early recovery can really suck (situation-wise), but if you hang in there, it will get better. If you don't, it won't.

So here's my early recovery story (which is in other places in this blog, too, at least in bits and pieces):

When I began recovery I was homeless, jobless, penniless, and owed lots of people money. This is not, by far, a unique situation; however, it still sucks. So I'm staying at the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army in Waukesha is one of the best shelters I've ever been in, and I've been in quite a few. But it's still a shelter. After a couple of months, I landed a part-time, low paying job at a non-profit second-hand merchandise retailer. I know that a job is a job and having one will often lead a person to better things. During this time, the head counselor at Genesis House, from which I had graduated 2 years previous, invited me to stay there for 1 month. It was a better place than the shelter, and I ended up staying there 6 weeks. I then found a room in a rooming house. I had been inside it once before - I'd helped a friend move into it - and I said I'd never live there. Oh well. The place was dingy and dirty and looked like it should burn down at any minute. It was filled with addicts and alcoholics and people on disability. But it was a place to stay. Before I moved into the rooming house a friend suggested I apply at his place of employment, and I did. I got the job, a full-time job at a little better pay, after I moved into the rooming house. Now, the rooming house was cheap, so I endeavored to pay back the people to whom I owed money. I got most of them, but it took a while. And during this time, I rode the bus or bicycled to work (I actually walked twice), and I got rides to recovery meetings. I lived in that rooming house for about 1-1/2 years. Then I moved to another rooming house, one that was a little bit nicer. During this time, I began working part-time at Genesis House (after I had 1 year of sobriety) and I began volunteering and eventually working part-time at NAMI, my current full-time employer. I began working full-time at NAMI 19 months into my recovery. After another two months, I was able to purchase a used car. One of the things I had to do in order to secure a decent place to live was to satisfy an eviction judgement from 3 years prior, for about $1400. I did that at about 18 months into recovery, I think. 3 months ago, I moved into my own 2 bedroom apartment with a year lease. That was after 26 months of recovery.

This is what I mean by hanging in there. At any time I could have given up. I could have said, "This is bullshit," or "F#%k this shit," or whatever we say when we think we're not getting a fair shake from life, and gone backwards into active drinking again. But I didn't. I did the "two steps forward, one back" dance for over two years. And it wasn't always fun and was rarely comfortable. But it was never as bad as the pain from which I came.

And along the way I gained self-esteem, I built character and integrity, and I paid back lots of people. These things cannot be taken from me. They're part of who I am today. 

So, when someone laments that their job sucks or their living situation sucks, and I say "Hang in there," this is what I mean. 

Namaste,

Ken

Some of My Best Friends are Women!

I started school last night. No, don't worry, I'm still taking my medication. I'm in the Human Services Associate Blended Options program at WCTC. We meet once a week, and much of the class is done online. So I found out last night that I am the only male in the class.

There are about 10 students in the class, and the way it's set up is that we go through the next two years together. Because we had had some online introductions before class started, I thought there was at least one other male in the class. As it turns out, there isn't. Once I realized I was the only male, and realized my discomfort surrounding that fact, I thought about what having another man in the class would do for me.

Plainly speaking, having another man in the class would validate my existence there. And I suppose I would validate his. If you are my age, you learned a lot about groups - girls hang with girls and do girly things, boys hang with boys and do manly things, and the list can go on and on. Jews are over here, Catholics over there, black folks live there and white folks live here. However, growing up, no matter where I was, I did not fit in. (Knowing what I know now, that's actually a good thing).

Not only am I the only male in the class, there is only one other person in my age group. The other students are mostly in their 20's and 30's. I think I have the most post-secondary education experience in the class, aside from the instructor. Apparently my vocabulary is more extensive, and I've had a lot more life experience. On the flip side, there are a lot of experiences I haven't had - I've never given birth, and, consequently, not had the pleasure of raising children. I've not been discriminated against for having ovaries or dark skin. I do know the fear of getting assaulted, but, at the same time, I don't worry too much in dark parking lots.

So what's my point, or my lesson? My lesson is I'm still learning to come to myself and  know that as a human being on the planet Earth, I belong, no matter what. That's one of my basic operating beliefs that I put into practice - wherever I am, I'm meant to be there, and I have something to give. 

Fortunately for me, I was not raised with a lot of gender bias. I don't feel as much as some men might that I have to live up to a certain image. I'm a lot more comfortable than some with just showing up as myself. But it's still kind of weird - if I let it, my mind will wonder what the other students think of me (actually none of my business). Also fortunately for me, I like and respect women.

Another thing that I can begin to experience is cultural humility. As a white male raised in a Christian household, I don't get a lot of that experience. For about two hours last night, I felt what it feels like to be the 'odd man out'. For two hours. Some people, probably a lot of people, experience this daily. I'm also fortunate in that I know my discomfort is all internal - for lots of people, their discomfort is real. They may be in a place where they aren't wanted, or are looked down upon. I didn't get that feeling at all. I did not feel any unwelcome vibes.  But the experience makes me a little more sensitive to those people who might feel out of place because of their gender, color of their skin, first language, nationality, orientation, whatever. 

My primary purpose is to be of maximum service to my fellow human beings in whatever way that plays out. A lot of my journey is releasing those things within me that might inhibit me being of maximum service, like the way I feel about myself or the way I feel about others. I can't get empathy and compassion from a textbook - I have to go out and experience it. So I am grateful for the minor discomfort I have to endure to experience the things I need to experience to become more of who I really Am - a beloved Child of the Universe who deserves to be wherever he is at at any given moment. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I'm obligated to allow those around me to feel safe as well. 

Namaste,

Ken

Releasing Fear and Doubt

I have been actively engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for almost two years. I've been exposed to it for about 20 years, but it didn't sink in enough for me to use until recently. What the practice of CBT does for me is it basically allows me to reframe my experience. Everything in life is perception. Alcoholism, it is said, is a disease of perception - the addict's or alcoholic's perception is skewed enough to make the next fix or the next drink look attractive. As for mental illness, reality is skewed enough to keep the sufferer in misery and pain for prolonged periods of time, disrupting normal life. That being said, changing my perception of reality (without using addictive substances) is part of the foundation of my recovery.

I have been learning over the past couple years that this is done by repeatedly applying the tools I've learned. There isn't a permanent fix, but there is improvement and progress.

Spirituality comes into play by my acceptance of the belief that life is good, and the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I've had to accept this for myself in order to survive; I don't know that everybody has to accept it. Some people have no gods, and do just fine. Some people have 2 gods (God and the Devil) and are able to get through life. My best bet is to believe there is only One Power and One Presence in my life, and that Presence and Power is good, and my job is to align my consciousness with that no matter what the appearances or circumstances are.

To the topic:  I did not realize how full of fear and doubt I was until I really began to examine it and work on releasing it. Today I was at the NAMI-Waukesha Walks luncheon. I don't like social events. I don't like eating in front of people, and I don't think I schmooze well. That's all fear-based. I'm driving to the event, and I have the thought, 'God, I'm going to die' (from attending this event). Now, without treating this thought, it can, and often will, spiral into anxiety. There are a lot of events and other things in life that I've skipped because I've allowed a random thought like that to take control of me. Today, I came back with, 'It's not going to kill me. I'm going to have lunch, and I'm among friends.' I was in line at the salad bar, and I'm thinking, 'Why can't I be as happy as these people?' The reply is, 'You don't know how happy these people are - you're comparing your insides to their outsides.'

Those are just two little snippets from my day. Now I know why an hour or two at a social event tires me out more than 8 hours of work, and why I don't really seek these things out.

But here's the reality - I went to an event where I really did not have to do anything other than show up, eat, and say 'hi' to a few people. I wasn't even presenting (if I were, I probably would have been more gung ho - for some reason, I like speaking). Nobody judged me (that I'm aware of), nobody attacked me, everybody was friendly. What's to fear?

I used to double-impact myself. That is, on top of having these less-than-helpful perceptions, I would 'should' all over myself for having them. 'I should be better at life.' 'I should not be anxious.' And that double-impact is a killer, because it guarantees that I will never get better. I've learned to stop shaming myself for having stuff to work on. This allows me to move forward. Today's event was a lot easier to get through than it would have been two years ago.

Each and every time I recognize fear and doubt and decide to react differently than I used to, I get stronger, and more able to face the next thing. And, believe it or not, that's a fear of mine, too. As I become more skillful at navigating my life, I move on to bigger and better things. Part of me still thinks there's something I'm going to run up against that's going to crush me. I try not to spend too much time there, because that paralyzes me.

It is important for me to note to myself (and sometimes to others) when I've applied the tools I have and they've worked. That's how growth occurs. Each day gets a tiny bit better, and I am grateful. I'm grateful today that I have enough faith in God in me and in the tools I've been given to get out and experience this life. I feel I've missed a great deal of living, and I don't have to miss any more.

A closing thought - the root of fear and self doubt derives from concern for self (ego). I very often have to remind myself that the Universe has my back (all the evidence points to that), and that I don't need to have any concern about me. I simply have to show up for life and do to the best of my ability whatever is in front of me to do. A simple formula for a complex guy.

Namaste,

Ken

I Am Worthy

If I had passed away two years ago, the three words that would have described me and my life would have been, "Not Good Enough."

I have been shooting for some sort of recovery for most of my life. One of my obstacles to recovery that I've known about for a long time was that much of the time, I rarely liked myself enough to stay in recovery. I have asserted for a long time that one has to care for oneself at least a little bit in order to do what is necessary to stay alive and healthy. I didn't have it, and I didn't know how to go about getting it.

In 1993, I was invited by a friend to attend a church called Unity West. I heard a very different message than I had heard from churches in the past, or from anybody for that matter. Part of the message is that since I am a creation of God, and God is good, I must be good. There is a part of me that seems to be able to recognize the Truth when I hear it, and I heard a lot at Unity that rang true to me. However, one of the great difficulties I've had is internalizing these Truths and living by them - it seems alcoholism and depression got in the way of my accepting some concepts that make life a lot easier to live. More specifically, my ego was so in the way that I suffered from the delusion that I was unique, alone, and disconnected. That's a pretty grand illusion - that I am not a part of this universe, and that I'm my own alpha and my own omega.

I spent years knowing that I wasn't good enough, and doing things to try to prove I was good enough, and ultimately failing at what everybody else seemed to do with ease because, I wasn't good enough. I used to seek approval from people whom I thought I should seek approval. Sometimes I didn't get it, which was frustrating, but not shocking. When I did get approval, it was like alcohol - there just wasn't enough. I'd get nice jobs, and think, "This is it!" and then, after the honeymoon wore off, and the imperfections of the job showed, and my imperfections showed, I'd get tired of the job and go back to feeling not good enough. I've had nice relationships where the same thing happened. I always looked outside of myself to feel good enough, and nothing ever worked permanently. I began to realize that there was nothing outside of me that would ever make me feel good enough - I could have a beautiful wife, awesome job, tons of money, a great home, and a lovely car, but deep down, I would still feel like and believe myself to be lower than whale shit.

So what is the solution? For me, a large part of it is 'acting as if'. You see, a person who has a decent amount of self-esteem, who believes themselves to be a worthwhile individual, does not need to seek approval from others. So I stopped seeking others' approval. A person who believes themselves to be 'good enough' accepts what they have in life, instead of continuously seeking more. A person who believes s/he is good enough as is also sees others as good enough - the person who has a healthy self-esteem does not find it necessary to judge others as less-than. I am neither more important nor less important than anybody else, no better or any worse. My shit's just a little different than yours.

This doesn't mean I'm not about improvement and growth. I am! But today, improvement and growth come not from making myself better, but from releasing those aspects of me that are not in alignment with who I really Am. I go to school to learn how to better use the gifts and talents that I already have. I practice self-care skills so that I can be of more effective service. I take setbacks not as indicators that I'm worthless or stupid; rather, they come up to enlighten me and make me stronger. Everything is useful; nothing is wasted. I stop questioning my presence in people's lives and simply try to show up as a blessing. I release worry and fear over my future, and work on simply living in today.

Now, of course, since this is all new to me, it is a practice. There's always something to work on, something to let go of. The big miracle here is that today I recognize that my life is valuable, and that your life is too, no matter what. When I am praised, I accept the praise at face value; when I am corrected or criticized, I try to be grateful for the lesson rather than taking it personally. Today I endeavor to live from the inside out, and each day I do that, I find more good stuff within me. 

I am grateful for the people in my life that saw who I really Am when I could not. I began to believe those folks and act as if they were telling me the Truth, and it looks like they really were. 

I am enough. I am worthy.

Namaste,

Ken



  

Yes, I Can!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.

I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.

So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?

I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.

I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:

1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me. 

There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.

2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.

By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.

Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.

So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Namaste,

Ken

I Am Enough

There may already be a post about this, but this is one of those things that I can probably work on forever. I was introduced to this concept over 20 years ago, and have yet to fully swallow and digest. What it basically is is that by virtue of the fact that we are here, we are worthwhile. We are all children of One Loving Creator, and therefore we are all made from good stuff, connected to the Creator and connected to each other.

Lots of us, me included, learned something different. Lots of us learned that we had to earn the love of God, (and in turn, others), and that we have to work to be 'good enough'. Some of us got the idea that we'd probably never be good enough, no matter how hard we tried.

I really wish I could just scream "Bullshit!" and that would take care of it, but it doesn't.

What I'm doing in CBT is discovering beliefs that I acquired long ago that no longer serve my best interests (they might have at one time) or highest good, and that need replacing. This process is laborious, especially regarding the 'I'm not good enough' belief - it seems to crop up in a lot of ways and a lot of disguises.

The problem with erroneous beliefs is a phenomenon called Self Fulfilling Prophecy - if I tell myself, or somebody else tells me, something enough times, I will begin to believe it and act it out. Basically, it says that if I believe I'm a screw-up, I will either look for or create evidence to prove I'm a screw-up. If I think that I am not worthy, I will find and/or create evidence to prove that I am not worthy.

Why is this coming up now? I've encountered a situation in which this belief has shown itself to be operative and it is preventing me from accepting something good into my life. 

I very often feel as if I don't measure up - sometimes physically, but more often with who I am or how I show up, either as a man, an employee, or a friend. When I encounter this feeling, or thoughts, the treatment is to examine the evidence, decide whether or not the evidence backs up my belief, and then come up with a new belief to replace the old one. Over the past 3 years, I've encountered enough evidence to be able to question the belief that I'm not good enough. Lately, I've been noticing positive changes in my behavior toward myself that indicate the belief is changing. However, it's a slow process, and one that can't be given up on, or I'll slide back.

I do not want to instill the belief that 'I am good enough', because, to me, it implies that there is a 'not good enough' possible in me or anybody else. What I would like to know, in my head and my heart, is that I am enough, you are enough, we are enough. We may not always show it or know it, but we are all beloved children of our Creator, and we are all worthwhile. Additionally, none of us is more or less worthwhile than anyone else at any time.

This is a fine ideal, but, like the ideals expressed in our Declaration of Independence, sometimes challenging to live up to. 

I want to feel inside that I can rightfully accept all of the blessings and abundance that are mine to accept, and to deeply understand that 'measuring up' (or not) is a function of a misinformed ego.

I'll continue to let you know how it goes.

Namaste,

Ken

Speak Up

I get much of my inspiration from Science of Mind, the monthly magazine put out by Religious Science, one of the prevalent New Thought philosophies/ways of looking at God/life. The following is an excerpt, taken from the July 15, 2016, daily guide written by the Rev. Dr. Judy Morley. This month's daily guide emphasis is on Freedom, and I thought I'd share today's reading:

Speak Up

The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson

Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.

In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.

Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.

If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].

Affirmation

I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,

Ken

I Have a Voice, Part Two

In order to stay in recovery, one of the things I must practice is releasing blame. I heard a speaker say recently, “Victims don’t stay sober.” And I can probably extrapolate from that that victims don’t maintain mental/emotional health, either. I don’t necessarily need to accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me; however, I do need to accept responsibility for my reactions and I do need to accept responsibility for my healing. Others may assist in my healing, pointing things out to me, holding my hand, and/or guiding the way, but in the end, I am the person responsible for my life. A big part of accepting responsibility is acknowledging and accepting those instances where my thinking and actions have been less than skillful, forgiving myself, and learning new, more skillful ways to think and act.

All that being said, I wanted to write down a couple of things I experienced while I was an elementary school student that I’ve never written down before, and almost never talked about. The first is what I remember from 1st grade: I remember standing in the corner in the front of the classroom with my back toward the class. I turned around to look at the class, and my 1st grade teacher said, very sternly, “Turn around. Nobody wants to see your face.” This is one of those things that some folks can use for humorous stories later in life. Not me. First, I do not remember to this day what I said or did that sent me into the corner. Second, as was my custom back then, I never talked about this incident – to anybody. Third, I believed what she said, and my thinking back then was that if somebody was pissed at me, they were pissed off for life. There was no forgiveness, or problem resolution or anything like that. Each ‘bad’ thing I did, each mistake I made, became another brick in my wall of self-hatred that separated me from you, God, and everybody else.

The second thing that impacted me greatly in elementary school involved the band. Starting in the 5th grade, we had the opportunity to begin to learn to play band instruments and take lessons. The instructor was on loan from the middle school. I was interested in learning to play the baritone. I am musically inclined, and had begun my piano studies some 3 years earlier. The band met before school started in the little library. Due to the low amount of regular attendees, the instructor began thinking about cutting out the band program at our school. I did not want to lose this opportunity, and I voiced (to somebody, I don't remember exactly who) that I really would like the band to continue. I remember a teacher, a Mrs. ____, telling me in no uncertain terms that whether or not the band existed was none of my business, and that I needed to learn to keep my opinions to myself. As I write this, I feel a great amount of sadness, hurt, and anger. Back then, I probably felt that too, but, per my M.O., I kept it to myself.

I use these examples to illustrate what I learned very early in life - #1, I needed to avoid pissing anybody off. #2, If I needed or wanted something, the thing to do was not to ask, but to somehow get what I wanted without you knowing I was getting what I wanted. Over the years, I honed my skills at being a devious little shit.

There have been lots of consequences from running my life this way, not the least of which has been spending 5 years of my life incarcerated in jail and prison. The deeper damage was that I never learned to express my true self in appropriate and healthy ways, and I stuffed a lot and I tried to drink and drug a lot away. I really am surprised to this day that I am as physically healthy as I am. I understand that stuffing our feelings and covering up who we are creates all sorts of stress-related disease processes in our body, and, so far, all I seem to have acquired is alcoholism and depression. I suppose that's enough.

Today I am learning a different way. I'm learning that, yes, there are some people who do want to see my face, despite the fact that sometimes I do and/or say stuff that is inappropriate. Today I'm learning that it is ok to be human, that the experience, though messy and fraught with trials and tribulations, is quite natural and normal and can sometimes be quite joyful. Today I'm learning that I was not created to cover up who I am, but to discover who I am and to share who I am (appropriately) with others. And I'm learning that it's ok for someone to be pissed off at what I say or do, that my responsibility is not to regulate anyone else's feelings, but to regulate my thoughts, feelings, and actions so that I am always endeavoring to express the best of that which I am capable. Today I'm learning to ask for what I need or want, and that it's ok to be told no. Today I'm learning that it is much better to be up front, that my desires aren't wrong, they are simply my desires.

It's a long process. This blog is part of that process. Sharing my story in person with others is part of the process. Openly and honestly interacting with others is part of the process. To this day, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hear the critical voice in my head telling me how stupid I am for speaking up or for taking risks. I don't think there's a medication to shut that voice up, but I think I'm teaching that voice bit by bit that I am safe and loved, and it is ok for me to have a voice and express who I am.

Namaste,

Ken