I am an introvert. I like being alone. I like doing stuff alone. I rarely feel lonely. When I'm healthy, I feel fine being alone. I don't have the desire to seek companionship with others. I don't particularly like parties or social events, and often I have to overcome some fear before engaging with others. I don't look forward to meeting new people, yet I've got some really awesome good people in my life, all of whom I met for the first time once. I don't crave human contact, but, I know from experience, I would get very sick and possibly die without it.
I have a friend who has been a friend of mine for 16 years. That's some kind of record, for me. We are close in age, like to talk about the same things, and at one time we worked for the same company. He has supported me through thick and thin, and has taught me a lot about accepting people where they're at, and how to be supportive. I have a connection with him, and I trust that connection. We haven't gotten together in a while - it might be around a year - but we have stayed somewhat in touch. The other night I was thinking about him, and I thought I had better call him. I called him, and his voicemail was full, which concerned me, so I texted him. I found out that one of his parents is going through a rough time right now. My friend is going to be out of town for a week, but we'll get together when he returns. He's a person with whom I feel totally comfortable and at home. There's only maybe 3? people like that in my life, and I'm good with that. I think everyone needs someone with whom they can totally be themselves.
I've learned a great deal about the value of friendships and connections over the past few years. I value friendships and connections much more now than I have in the past, and I value people in general much more than I ever had before. Friendship and connection is something I have to practice. In fact, everything that's good for me I have to practice; the unhealthy stuff seems to come quite naturally to me. I do believe that at my very core I understand and value connection, but I still have a lot of work to do in letting go of those things which tell me that I'm fine all by myself.
The past couple of years I've become a lot more involved in social media. That's an area where I'm learning what's healthy for me and what isn't. I've joined some spiritual and recovery groups on Facebook, and that's been a good experience. I now have friends on 6 of the 7 continents of the world! But it's really neat to see that humans from other cultures have the same basic needs as I do. I can have a tendency to spend too much time with the social media - it's good, and it's fun, but it doesn't replace face-to-face human contact. (I avoid calling it 'real' human contact, as I believe the people I contact on Facebook are real, too). Social media is a great tool, but, like anything, too much reliance upon it is not a good thing.
Finally, I'd like to write about support groups. I've been going to one particular support group for years and years, but it wasn't until I began attending support groups through NAMI Waukesha that I began to fully appreciate what support groups can do. I began to get a lot better when I started attending mental health peer support groups, and I couldn't figure out why - NAMI support groups don't have a formal program or any steps or anything like that. You show up, talk about what's going on (or not, if you don't want to), get support and suggestions.
What I've learned (and I couldn't just accept, I had to break it down and analyze things) is that support groups give me:
- A safe place to be me. A place where I can let my guard down for a little while.
- Normalization - those of us who live with mental health conditions and/or addictions have things going on in our heads that we don't discuss with the general public, because most people wouldn't understand. So we walk around feeling abnormal and alone, because almost everyone else we run into looks like they have their stuff together. In a support group, we find out that appearances can be deceiving - we find people that look normal, yet have the same stuff going on in their heads that we do. This decreases our shame and self-stigma.
- Trust - when I speak my truth, and listen to others speaking their truth - allowing ourselves to be vulnerable - we begin to trust again. It's important to human beings to have others that we can trust.
- A place to share - I've got lots of good within me. So does everybody. Support groups are a great place to share that with others.
- I begin to care about others. I gain compassion.
There's more, but those are the top benefits for me.
I think there's a big need for more real connection nowadays. I recently gave up my car to the salvage yard, so I'm back to my feet, my bicycle, and the bus as my 3 main forms of transportation. I was walking to a destination a few days ago, and I noticed people driving by - when we're in our cars, we are alone. Lots of us feel anonymous in our vehicles, which isn't always a good thing. But we're alone, and we're protected. The more alone and protected I am, the less healthy I get. I think it's easier to dislike and judge other humans when I'm not around them very much, and that's definitely not healthy.
I'm fortunate that my work throws me right in the middle of others' lives. I'm reminded daily how important my connection with others is. I really am healed by this thing called connectedness. I think it's really how Spirit moves among us.
Namasté,
Ken
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