Letting Go of More Fear

I’ve written before about letting go of fear. I’m fairly certain I’ll find cause to write about it again. I’ve lived most of this lifetime out of fear. I’m so used to it that I don’t really very often experience the emotion of being afraid. Fear was ingrained in me, and nowadays I only recognize it as irrational thinking that may be getting in the way of me attaining my dreams. It’s still fear, and, in order to proceed in a forward direction, it must be dealt with.

Some have told me that fear is a lack of faith. I know it’s not – fear is faith – faith that something’s going to go wrong. Faith that not only will I be picked last for the team, there’s even a chance I won’t get picked at all. Faith that I will say something stupid or uncool. Faith that I’ll be rejected. Faith that I won’t measure up. Faith that I won’t be able to handle life, and that I’ll end up a miserable failure. Faith that that person over there won’t like me. Faith that whatever decision I make, it’ll be the wrong one. So, you see, I’m not lacking in faith at all – I just have it pointed in the wrong direction. I’ll talk about that in a moment. But first…

Because I never really talked about the way I felt inside to anyone – the way I felt about myself, and life in general – until recently (the last 3-5 years), because I basically relied upon my own thinking and twisted logic to reason things through, I never heard any arguments about the way I thought and felt. I was pretty certain I was correct. I could make a list here of all the things I assumed about others and about life that were incorrect, but it’d be too long. So I went along thinking in a very negative, loserly way, and even when I got around positive people with positive vibes who liked life and seemed to be mastering it, I couldn’t get it – I couldn’t get what they had, because I couldn’t talk about what it was like inside of me. I was too afraid to do so.

When I became desperate enough, I became open to suggestion. After I became open to suggestion, I got connected with a really good therapist. (I’ve had good therapists before, but I didn’t utilize them very well. I usually tried to convince them how well I was doing. That was another big fear – admitting to someone that I’m not doing well, or that I’m hurting inside). Through my last therapist, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I learned how to question what my mind and my brain were telling me, and that has truly been a Godsend. And that’s what I’ve been doing the past three years – questioning what my brain is telling me, and, when in doubt, checking in with others whom I trust.

One might think that when one has the key, or at least one of the keys, that one would now progress rapidly into the superstar pro at living that I was always meant to be. Alas, that hasn’t been the case. It seems that I must work a lot on my false conclusions. The work is a lot easier now, but it’s still work I have to do. And, since my thinking has long been habitual, it doesn’t change until it’s starting to interfere with my progress. I first had to get the big stuff out of the way first – the stuff that was threatening my very existence. Then I became able to work on the things that threaten my happiness, peace of mind, and success. I’m better able to spot my fear today – it’s anything that keeps me from accepting my highest good. Additionally, my job exposes me to the fears, mostly irrational, that others are harboring, and when I see it in others, it’s easier to see fear in me.

One of the fears that I began working on around 5 years ago is the fear of others’ opinions of me. I worked on that in two ways – I used a self-hypnosis recording that implanted the idea that “other people’s opinions of me are none of my business,” and I started doing things that were in my heart to do, but left the door open to being judged. Two of the notable things I’ve done are this blog, where I expose innermost thoughts and feelings to anybody who’d care to read about them, and the year that I spent being self-employed. These were both huge leaps for me. The blog is still going on; not the self-employment. I absolutely loved being self-employed, but I love eating and living indoors more. Someday when I can marry some sound business practices with doing the things I love, I’ll be self-employed again; for now, I love the companies that are employing me and I love what I’m doing, and that’s enough.

The reason I mention this is that I find myself facing this fear again – “What will people think of me?” As I move further along in life, I discover more and more of the real Ken, and I let that guy out. In certain circumstances this is scary for me. I’ve got a couple of things going for me – today, I’m beginning to feel when I’m fearful, which is very helpful. Emotions are very good for telling me what’s going on inside, but I had shut mine down to almost nothing so that I could rely upon my ‘logic’. So I’ve found myself having to deal with the obstacle of caring what other people think of me (even though the truth is that other people probably don’t care about what I do or don’t do nearly as much as I think they care). And how am I dealing with this today? Back to the self-hypnosis, and back to taking chances, and there’s one more thing that’s very important: I’m putting my faith into what can go right.

Through the years I’ve learned a lot of helpful things about the nature of my Higher Power (and for simplicity I’ll refer to It from here on out as God). I understand today that God wants me to succeed, and provides me with an abundance of blessings in order for me to succeed. So, and this is from experience, when something comes in front of me that at first glance doesn’t look too good, and that I feel like shying away from, I now have a Second Voice, that of God, saying, “Why don’t you give it a try? What have you got to lose?” That’s why I’m here today – I went ahead and accepted things into my life even when I didn’t want to or didn’t see how they would work. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, some of the things that I thought wouldn’t work for me did, and still do today. I’m very grateful that I recognize the difference between what I come up with out of my own, fear-based self, and the things God has in store for me.

Today, my faith is turned in the right direction much more of the time. I don’t believe anymore that disgrace and disaster lurk just around the corner. I’m just beginning on the journey of allowing God to guide me, and so far it’s really turning out well.

Namasté,

Ken